Lesson 242 ~Learned From The Best~

I’ve learned you don’t have to make sense, I’ve learned that being a man means I’m usually wrong and strangely enough I needed God to tell me that, by the way, do you think he has a missus? “Learned From The Best,” a world full of women and all.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Lesson 242 ~Learned From The Best~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, or at least I have forgotten some, though I do wonder if I had more fears then than now, I think it has to be the latter. Haven’t you ever wondered why I call these conversations with you, the other girls and myself lessons; if anything I might as well be keeping a journal as one of the characters in Stephen King’s “It,” and speaking of fears I haven’t forgotten, *sigh* clowns.

Girls are less scary, I don’t remember getting spankings from my mom, grandmas, great grandmas, the worst beatings I remember were all from men but the physical pain has nothing on the mind. I think I told you or maybe I didn’t, who knows, anyway when I was in the fourth or the fifth grade, I smacked a girl on the ass and as far as I know, she liked it, and plenty of people congratulated me, but my father threatened to beat my ass. Is this going to turn into a defense of my father, he cheated on my mom so I think I’m decent there and I have said my mother taught me to be a gentleman at least to a certain degree.

“We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.” ― Tyler Durden, Fight Club (1999)

Don’t get me wrong Inspector Echo, if you want to know who indeed taught me to hate myself I can talk about my father forever, but today during one of my frozen moments of regret and shame, I remembered when I was a little kid and I was at a store. I wasn’t trying to be gross or skeevy (I’ll never forget) I was just trying to find a place to hide and to play, and I ended up seeing this girl, and her mom nearly killed me on the spot. When I was in church, they had this tradition or something of the Tom Thumb Wedding, and everyone was like I should marry this girl Jeanette… it never happened.

You have to forgive me Inspector Echo, I wanted to explain why it was girls that turned me “icky” and I probably will at some point but long story short it was women themselves that warped my perception of women. I’m sorry I’m the one that’s icky now or perverted, depraved, skeevy and all that. Though I’ve never cheated on one, never hit one, besides my sister (childhood), and that I still can’t get over some past misdeeds, but you know, Learned From The Best.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 241 ~The World Sees Me~

If I could only see the way you love me, everything might be solved right; you want to switch eyes… okay so not a horror movie but a love story, or maybe beer goggles, or am I just a piece of meat, I could live with that. The World Sees Me.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Lesson 241 ~The World Sees Me~

Dear Future Wife,
I’m Not Afraid Anymore, or I suppose I won’t be sooner or later, there won’t be any more to see and if there is I won’t spend a few hours trying to change it… message. It’s a man’s world I know it, and you worry about how the world will see you and so do I, the only difference is, to me, you are the world, knights and their shining armor, right?

Not after we slay the dragons, suffer the slings and arrows, and I spend so much time polishing and hell the first time you saw me I was probably in my hoody so why bother dressing to the nines then or now? Unquestionably because my mom wouldn’t have it any other way; my mother, my sister, women in general and no it can’t be our sleeping angel in her room, a man has to be better for himself. My love if I told you about the battles I have with the man in the mirror, and then you look at me; if you only knew how long I’ve been looking for you and when I finally found you, before then?

“You make me want to be a better man.” ― As Good as It Gets

Love can’t tell time; I heard that in a movie too, and before I met you, as I imagined the woman that you surely aren’t I had an epiphany, what if you could see me now? I even made a playlist full of songs about eyes, watching, the look of love, brown eyed girl, your eyes, and that’s just it, I know what I must look like now but back then I was worried about my face. Maybe I was hiding, and there are some things I can’t hide even if I wanted to, so that’s when I began thinking perhaps I should pretend that every day would be the day I would find you.

Let’s just say you kept me from doing more stupid stuff before we ever met and now well as the song goes, what makes a monster and what makes a man, and I cam only imagine who I am and what I am in your eyes. Bedroom eyes, those hungry eyes, those ocean eyes, I should know what makes you cry, other than certain movies and those Sarah Mclachlan commercials

So I will continue to wonder, I’m sorry, I can’t help it hopefully the future on the horizon is much grander than the past that t lies behind us, the black and white on some blog The World Sees Me.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 240 ~Get Up And Earn It~

What are you working for, what do you want, what about when they asked the question in school, what would you do if you had a million dollars; I’d ask how I got a million in the first place. “Get Up And Earn It” and how?

Monday, February 26, 2018

Lesson 240 ~Get Up And Earn It~

“You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin’ themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.” ― The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

Twenty-First Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore; I may be lazy, then slow, stupid, a great many things, and we don’t have time to go through them all, but the fact of the matter is, I’m here. Now I know that isn’t good enough for some people, I remember telling a girl I’m up and to come over, probably not the best choice of words but that’s where it starts, getting it up, easier said than done.

“Just reach up.” Planet Terror

So what gets it up for me, I’m trying not to think of some stupid sexual innuendo; if anything I’m too tired for that, and I’ll consider that a good thing. The day job doesn’t do it for me but every morning, I get up, I do what I have to, sometimes that means raising your voice, maybe looking someone in the eye, if anything it’s just putting one foot in front of the other. I think therein lies the problem, you have to keep moving but where am I going, who’s race is this, being up and about with no purpose, no life, only the need to feed, how I envy Carl Grimes now.

Who was it that said life is a gift, every day we all have to go out there and earn it, no it’s not a gift, a privilege, an honor. Madam Justice it’s an obligation, a responsibility, and don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that it doesn’t have its good parts here or there. We can enjoy it without a doubt but it sure as hell ain’t free and there are those who don’t earn but merely steal as though that is there purpose. It always comes back to the question, for me what makes me get up, what is it that I want to earn in the end, what does it all mean?

I could talk about being a family man someday, hell I already am, I get up and work, to keep my dog’s belly full, to make sure he has a good life, to keep him with me because he’s getting old in this world. How many times does it come back to somebody else, I love him like pancakes but my dog, promises to friends, all the assholes I know again what is it that gets me up and makes me want to earn anything.

You know something, maybe I have the rule all wrong, should it be get up and learn it… so many years ago and even worse these days; I need time, Get Up And Earn It.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 239 ~Save Room For My~

As the song goes, that’s too much sauce, but I’ll probably be eating a box of chicken all this week, speaking of chicken, the work day is going to be horrible, but there is too much room in my bank account. “Save Room For My”

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Lesson 239 ~Save Room For My~

To Will:
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, this week, high hopes, the bigger they are… just trying to explain why I’m in bed again because I can’t afford to be banging my head on a table, my fists through a wall, and talk about open mouth, insert foot. Is there anything as too much good as well, The Walking Dead returns tonight, you’ll record the Winter Olympic Closing Ceremonies, what about The Elimination Chamber, and you’ll need more closet space with all the submissive shopping.

Is my glass half empty or half full, sometimes you’re just going to want to break the damn glass because the good and the bad are just a mess considerably? There is plenty of room in your bed, too much room in your bank account and even this morning I know you’re already stressing about the coming work week. How about the six impossible things, I’m sorry I let you down a lot this week, but maybe it’s not so bad as it appears hmm:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants, (Day 01 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 02 No Fap)
2. I Will Get Out Of The House
Partial Completion (Store)
3. I Will Get My Bank Account Fixed Up
Partial Completion, I know what I have to spend this week
4. I Will Do Something Nice For Indiana Gone’s Move
Partial Completion, last movie night
5. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Completed, two full days of backyard fun and cake
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel, Finish One Whole Chapter
Partial Completion, Grammarly is a letdown somewhat

Always looking after my dog, still doing for everyone else that there is no room for me, that’s what you will have to contend with this week and since I didn’t work last week… money can be such a hypocrite, too much room in my account and yet it’s getting tight. I would tell you to keep your head up, but even when you’re down you don’t let a single tear fall because that would be too much when you’re in a room of sharks, no drops, tears, blood, otherwise, and yes that is going to become a rule. Speaking of one more list I almost want to call this, a what won’t you do list but six impossible things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 02 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Find My Latest Amazon Order
3. I Will Get My Bank Account Fixed Up Finally
4. I Will Not Take Any Guff At Work
5. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel, Finish Two Whole Chapters

One day you’ll have plenty of room on this list for other things, and maybe Amazon is trying to tell you something. Since I ordered something last week, and it should have been here today, so now it’s your problem. I always leave you with issues don’t I but didn’t I say once, difficulties are for tomorrow, even Dr. King saw the promised land, but from the top of the mountain, he didn’t see everyone waiting for him coming down.

As the song goes I hope you’re “staying hungry” so if anything, save room for the fight, but also for the good things too and *sigh* Save Room For My…

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

Often when I get done with my writing, I think of how many words I wasted and how many things I want to say but going on two hundred and thirty-eight days there are always more thoughts, more words, more time to spend. “Waste Not, Want Not”

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, angry some, horny most days, exhausted always, and don’t even get me started on how I feel about my job… is there yet a word for such emotion because there isn’t just fear. This morning though I had to draw upon anger and what I realized is that my rage is not some finite resource, there is plenty to burn, so it’s not wasted but is it wanted, and yes I even looked up the old saying.

I spend my anger to keep it from overflowing, and that’s probably not the safest thing to say in this climate, but of course, you know who draws most of my anger. Wouldn’t I suggest the same of my lust but though I have a high sex drive, my money situation, well… just another reason to envy Christian Grey but I’m sure that leather costs more than the outfits I buy for potential submissives. My dollars could be better spent on a softer bed, two birds with one stone because apparently, I’m not getting enough sleep, but for a second day, I dragged myself to the dining room table to talk to you and work.

Is it sad that I feel like I’m wasting a god awful number of words, it beats having to talk to actual people next week, and even then I wouldn’t be allowed my first amendment? In this way, I don’t waste the truth on those people either, and as I’ve learned Lady Lu, with most girls, even speaking a fraction of the truth means I don’t get the girl but not talking at all? I’m sure I’ll go back to saving money now that Indiana Gone has departed, I’m going to miss having a movie partner but when’s the last time I wasted any tears?

The worst things Lady Luna are either immeasurable or I hoard but what about the best things… I suppose love can be a bit of both, I love my dog, but when it comes to myself, I don’t waste any, but I seem to be like everyone else, my company is unwelcome. For me, time is what I lose the most of, and that is what leaves me wanting, more money, more power, more women.

So what have I learned today, spend anger but keep enough to write, don’t waste money on a submissive you don’t plan on finding, spare less on sleep so you’ll have a lot more to contemplate Waste Not, Want Not?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 237 ~What’s In A Name~

Well, it’s not ambrosia, it’s not a squirming bundle of love, it’s not even an actual breath, but it can be a dream, it can be a prayer to the porcelain god, the pushing of buttons rather than slamming of fists, sigh new characters. What’s In A Name?

Friday, February 23, 2018

Lesson 237 ~What’s In A Name~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore or at least less afraid… let’s go with that because even if you know your friends, your enemies, your family, somebody that you used to know doesn’t erase the fear of everything else you want to give a name to honestly. If Romeo and Juliet lived, if the Hatfields & McCoys could have stopped sooner, if Republicans and Democrats weren’t idiots, how long would it take, this thing that some call peace?

What’s in a name, what does the name “Hazel Fiona Brenton” mean to you? How about “Hanna Mallorie Farone,” “Deo Nikola Kesten,” “Maya Myriam Klose,” “Kellie Isabel Klose,” and yes there will be blood, but you don’t know any of these people. As far as I know, they don’t exist in the real world but within my mind do you know who I see, prostitute, the victim, brothel owner, prostitute, and a great sin, these names have history and meaning in my novel. To this day I still hate the idea of a picture being worse a thousand words, but I suppose the “inspirations” for these characters would hate me, for using their visage storywise.

We’ve also talked about my name before, and I’m still not letting it go which is, of course, my fault; being synonymous with “skeevy,” I can understand why other authors use pseudonyms all the time, and that gave me an idea. I’m no hero and considering people’s false assumptions about me I am nowhere near the villain, but maybe I need a new name. Don’t get me wrong I’m sticking with Marquis de Joker for the time being but perhaps some heroes, some villains wear a mask, and I am no stranger to that truthfully.

On a brighter note at least I’m working on my book right, I’ve been trying to summon up the anger, summon up the blood, instead of another bodily fluid, and that explains why I’m up pretty early because I want to be and not because I have to be. I’m not censoring that bitch’s name because I’m afraid, no I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of being a source of energy these days.

If I were to title my anger something, call my lust anything, name my shame, Will; you can never let them take your name. That’s for damn sure because that’s your life, well, ill, that’s your inch, and that’s my answer, What’s In A Name?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 236 ~Doing It After Dark~

Someday it will all be in black and white, a BDSM contract, the book I need to write to fund my fetishes and the woman in my bed, and I’m not talking about Betty Boop. Doing It After Dark, how about an afternoon delight, Halloween, at the beach, etc.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Lesson 236 ~Doing It After Dark~


I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I’m not afraid of the dark either, and it should come as no surprise that black is my favorite color for most things, of course, I do have some exceptions to the rule. For example, red is my second favorite color, but honestly, if I were to build a playroom, I’d make it black. I got a friend who is heavy into purple, but this isn’t “Saint’s Row” my color choices favor The Morningstar, but then we might be talking about the wrong playroom right?

Speaking of black *ahem* contract, I should probably draw up a BDSM contract seeing as how these days have been spent shopping for potential submissives, can you say I have high hopes? Honestly, I know that such women exist but shouldn’t I spend more time working on myself… it doesn’t matter when the lights are out but then tell me why I spend so much money on colorful things? Just so full of questions, full of myself, wish I could say the same about my bank account, staying in the black, or as the Beatles sang “can’t but my love.”

I know I often repeat the same mistakes and stories but have I mentioned I am into voyeurism and exhibitionism; probably one of my biggest fantasies is a sex tape, this past week I’ve had the yearnings of a photographer for the perfect shot. Perfectionism has always been my curse, chasing something that doesn’t exist which explains the schoolgirl, Asian, and princess ensemble I’ve assembled so far. Funny women want the world and then claim to be every woman like that Whitney Houston song, and somehow I intend to make one or several prove it.

Yes I’m still into brunettes, and I still can’t figure out how that came about; like I told someone, brunettes and blondes/etc. are like crunchy and soft tacos, I’ll eat either but crunchy is my favorite and no I’m not talking about age today. It’s a wondrous world of color out there, and I’m just thinking why waste it in the dark, though forever and a day my bed has been my place, that’s sad?

A guy like me might as well be dreaming of such things I suppose than bathing someone in the flash of an iPhone camera and besides my bed is black too besides dog hair. Another reason I need some creativity like doing it in the park, doing it after dark.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 235 ~Skeletons In The Closet~

I’ve never been the one to lay my coat in a puddle of water; I offered my hoody to a girl once to protect her hair. I’m interested if I remove my hoody because I’m hot and bothered, but I don’t care what I wear. Skeletons In The Closet

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Lesson 235 ~Skeletons In The Closet~

“I said I’m sorry mama!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I’m cleaning out my closet.”
Eminem, Cleaning Out My Closet

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, though why do I get the feeling I used this theme before, in any case, I have plenty of sins this week. Maybe, for the most part, it’s “Minority Report” things I will do, things I have done but nothing in the present moment, another blessing of being alone, you can’t hurt anybody at all but yourself.

Last night, for example, I discovered I’m haunted still from the sins of my past, but I gave that crime a name, and even now I won’t do it again but did it not take courage to do it at all? To hope gives one courage or it can drive you mad, like Emeric Marceaux, but his hope brings high reward as he got the girl in the end, and he avoided looking like a pervert or with all his wealth he was allowed to be, but he wasn’t. At least I think so honestly.

Tony Montana talks about money, power, and then the woman, I’ve skipped the second step because I don’t have enough money for the first. I told a friend once who is perpetually naked because she complains she has nothing to wear, that I thought women liked pretty clothes. Funny how that works, when you have the girl they want clothes, but if you find beautiful things before getting the woman, then you’re creepy, sad, skeevy. Same old sin I suppose that I have to get out, that I have to purge, but there has been too much time on my hands, amongst other things also.

“If she only knew how many size-seven replacements I’ve bought her. The whole damn closet behind me is filled, not just with shoes, but clothes and bags and… Jesus, I sound like a psychopath, even in my head. I’m not even a shopper. Fucking hate it.” Pam Godwin, Dark Notes

There’s not just one reason to watch porn; I could be like any other guy, but no. I’m the one looking up what an actress wears, I’m the one buying things and putting them in my closet awaiting her arrival, and I might as well be one of those guys buying a “RealDoll” or a Fleshlight. Aren’t there worst things to hide in the closet, guns, drugs, real skeletons, but no just pretty clothes and sex toys, and “if I were a rich man, Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum” no worries there.

You might think that would worry me though, my sexuality, my fashion sense, the last time I was trying to take some girl’s clothes off rather than put them on her, but I’m sorry it doesn’t. I’m sorry I don’t get out more, I’m sorry I would instead air some clean laundry because I’m still sitting in my dirty laundry, I’ll probably be sorry if anybody sees all of this but Skeletons In The Closet.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 234 ~Just Look At Me~

Michael Jackson once said keep it in the closet and other than all those pretty colors and outfits, how about my wife, who is complaining she has nothing to wear and personally I have nowhere I want to go, so can’t we stay home? Just Look At Me, I am

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Lesson 234 ~Just Look At Me~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore only aren’t we always honest, has there ever been a straight answer to “does this make me look fat” or “does this make my butt look big” and how many years has it been since “Just The Way You Are”? I’m not Aladdin, but I will ask if you trust me, I’m not the Genie, but somehow I catch my breath, my heart starts beating, you knock me off of my feet and somehow love lifts us up where we belong; am I annoying you waiting here?

I’m sure I do with my million and one questions, which is why I don’t mind yours but you have mirrors, girlfriends, a dog though I’m sure he loves you for more than a dress my love. To think if love were blind I would probably still find myself in some husband’s chair listening, but I think I have a good fashion sense, don’t believe me? It’s not the hoody or the pair of jeans, some sneakers but the two of us hand in hand.

You know I’ll never complain about us being in the closet as long as I’m helping you or do you prefer when I say nothing at all. Like how much you love my dog when I see everything that has to go in the laundry, should I be jealous maybe? Not when I know how much we love each other when there are paint stains, grass, and moss, dinner, how am I going to feel when the husband chair also becomes the daddy chair someday.

If our daughter has our fashion essence, I might seriously consider us joining the Amish folk; I swear where does the time go, that’s right you’re still in the closet. Would it help if I told you the “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” … ha, my dastardly plan worked, you coming out here to get my phone right.

Honestly though, if I told you what I saw when I first saw you, what I felt, what I wanted… let’s just say that I’m glad you’re not like other girls. Maybe I’m just happy I didn’t say nothing too stupid or profound, comparing you to a summer’s day or god forbid an “autumn” night.

The only thing that looks good on me is you, cause I got issues, but you got ’em too, saying something stupid like I love you, whatever could I answer that would convince you to stay home? Why would we ever, just look at me.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

I’m a lot of things, to a few I am even a man if not The Man, and those few times I look in the mirror or how I feel, I know it. Only humans can be so annoying, we can be loved and hated but what’s worse hmm? What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

Monday, February 19, 2018

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

Twentieth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore though time has passed since I was fear itself; when I was in school my slogan was, the best thing to have is love, if not then be liked, at least be respected, barring that be invisible, and if all else fails, be feared. Another day, another school shooting, well a few days ago so maybe I shouldn’t knock hate, at least hatred makes sense or insanity but to just not matter, to cease to be, that’s indifference, that’s Hell.

“You don’t think I’m ordinary?”

“You couldn’t be ordinary if you tried.”

“Thank you. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being ordinary.” American Beauty

Now how can anyone hate words, but “interesting” I find lazy but “whatever,” is the worst just edging out “just kidding” because whatever to me eliminates an idea? Yes I know I’m guilty of using all three but the last time I used all of the above I still talk to the person daily, like, love, and hate can be the most exhausting things ever. What about silence, at work my first amendment rights are being curtailed and telling people that you honestly don’t care, hell I don’t talk to my family and vice versa, but again I am exhausted.

Hating though is one thing, to hate means you once cared, even if it was a Luke Skywalker moment of wanting to kill Kylo Ren, but once there is nothing left to love, hate, or fear, you’re capable of doing the most monstrous of things. Better to feel too much than too little isn’t that what they say and that’s also the problem, people trying to tell each other how to feel. When you do that to someone they feel as though they’re not understood and when they aren’t being heard then what is the point of speaking at all?

Another reason I put such value in words, for someone that hates most people, thank goodness, I do see the importance of communication, as in my dog, but solitude is also a blessing. Hate can destroy but I think it’s the moment that we cease to care, a time when a person is seen not as a human being or less than what they are, and they know speaking, crying, screaming won’t help they are made indifferent and notably dangerous.

“Can’t even shout.
Can’t even cry.
The Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows,
knocking on doors…
They need to take seven
and they might take yours…
Can’t call to mom.
Can’t say a word.
You’re gonna die screaming,
but you won’t be heard.” Hush

So love if you can, like, respect, and if somebody chooses to be invisible, take it as a blessing, because the moment everything is lost including hate, there is but indifference, and the return of fear and goodness knows I hate, lust, I feel shame. What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I Will Have No Fear