Gospel 326 ~This World Be Longs~

WillLeave a comment

I wish I could live in B III’s world again or at least see it through his eyes. He only had to deal with me. When I think about everyone at my “freaking” Day Job or the chick that got me for $50… I’m not such a bad guy. This World Be Longs.

Sunday, May 23, 2021

Gospel 326 ~This World Be Longs~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but this legacy belongs to you. Yeah, you’re working so your dog can have a better life.

You woke up wondering how Braxton did it. His world wasn’t a huge place. Hell, as the song goes, “it’s a very, very Mad World.” Only are you the one that’s crazy? I had oh so many days to do something in the place Braxton loved. You exist, fearing tomorrow. Are you “Waiting on the World to Change?” Once again, you can’t give into that apathy that killed Braxton that every day is no different. Even though the last time the world did make a change was 112 days ago when he left it. You should appreciate walking his path. For some damnable reason, though, I was yearning to get back out there. Always the sadist. You’re a Sucker For Pain and Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Owned: The Bundle by Neil Bimbeau
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 142 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 149) No Fap
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

“It’s The End of the World as We Know It.” How dare you think that after what this day brought before. You don’t want to go to the Day Job and whose fault is that. Yeah, I know, and I’m sorry, but you saw that email you got today. What comes next… stuff and thangs? “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands,” as THEY say. Your novel, universe, pencil? I can imagine how much that chick made in 3 minutes, $50.00 easy-peasy lemon squeezy. Having the whole world in your hands now would mean Braxton being alive once more. You long to have his tenacity, that willingness to go on. Nobody’s forcing you to do anything, but what else is there. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Art of War (Crappy Version)
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 149 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Again I apologize that there’s not “A Whole New World” for you in the six days I had. There was always the world I promised for B III. A mom for him, a wife for you. There should be a yard grander than this whole neighborhood. Braxton’s new siblings will need protection. “What A Wonderful World” should be the name of the game. You would even settle for Las Vegas in “Army of the Dead.” Anything beats going back to the Day Job, right? Then why did I sleep all this week? Fuck Saturday was my best day, being honest. As for any advice I can give you, treat this world as Braxton did. Your world’s so much bigger, though, SIGH. This World Be Longs

112 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 325 ~Must B Freeing Sometimes~

WillLeave a comment

I expected some woman would tie me down. Some Nights I dreamed of B III being an old man (older) who would be running from his siblings saying, “I didn’t sign up for this.” He’s free of the mortal coil; I’m not free of love. Must B Freeing Sometimes.

Saturday, May 22, 2021

Gospel 325 ~Must B Freeing Sometimes~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it’s almost like being in love. Hell, neither one of those match B being alive.

He’s not, but I am, and I intend to stay that way? What, I still haven’t taken the Vaccine? I thought to yesterday Lady Lu, yep. I got a haircut, and Supercuts girl got pissed at me. I went to Walmart and got mad at them for cheating me. Did I say having money, hmm? Hakuna Matata for the rest of these days, and if I had only been working this week, who knows. Another part of my Denial is acknowledging that “Every Day Is Exactly The Same.” Again that attitude got B killed, and how can I not want to keep him company Lu. It is not suicidal to acknowledge the truth. Death is the ultimate freedom, and next to that sleep, I’m tired.

I’m so “Tired Of Being Alone.” There’s a difference between being alone and my loneliness, THEY say. I was never alone with B III here, but now I’m lonely. But every day, I lock Braxton’s gates, I like having money in my pocket, and I love my mask. Freeing hiding. Only without Cerberus, without my Dæmon… when’s the last time I call Braxton that? THEY talk about our better angels, but I have let my demons come out to play. My heart cannot hold back the darkness. Lust, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Hell not Depression. So what about Gluttony? THEY say that we project our sins onto others, and I told M Anime that she’s just a “Sucker For Pain.” Of course, that’s more me.

I haven’t been starving myself as I did once before. Yet the people I have talked to lately don’t want my skin and bones, my warped mind, and my broken heart. I go back and forth between my soul and seeing as how I continually serve in the Church of Braxton. Lady Lu, I am free of love but not hate, considering the Day Job this week. What the Fuck! Were you expecting me to say, “Oh God?” Pride thinking anyone gives a damn right? That’s all the sins, but I am free, so is there a chance that somehow I’ll reach B, you think? It depends on who you question, but everyone wants to be free of me… I agree. Must B Freeing Sometimes

111 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 324 ~Go To Bed B~

WillLeave a comment

Right now, I want to go back to sleep and see if I can find Braxton. Hell, John Wick got another dog, and I dreamt I was Mr. Wick last night. It’s better than the dreams of my actual crime, and B III can’t wake me up anymore. “Go To Bed B.”

Friday, May 21, 2021

Gospel 324 ~Go To Bed B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I can sleep without the money. Dare I say without the girl? But there’s Braxton.

Besides my tattoo, I’ve been thinking about getting one of those “Cuddle Clones.” Still, I haven’t been able to decide between B III sleeping or being awake. Braxton slept well. Okay, so that’s something you tell a baby, “oh, you’re such a good sleeper.” I’ve told the story of Braxton being my “pancake” and curling up in my lap as I sat working on stories. The Wednesday before he died, he didn’t take his post at the corner of my bed after I got back. He didn’t crawl on my legs, looking towards the door. B cried and my response. Father of the year says, “Go To Bed B,” like he hadn’t been sleeping all day. Still, he crawled under my arm, staying beside me.

There will always be the story of when I thought I left him outside all night. Of course, I didn’t. Only I was out running around in the morning while Braxton slept in his house. Any day when I was leaving, he would formulate a plot to get me to stay. He knew I wouldn’t leave him inside the bedroom. Denial, it seems, moving his bed and the dog gate. With the Day Job, Braxton gave up. It was too early even for him, or he knew I had made my choice like “Six: The Mark Unleashed.” The last free choice, the wrong choice Sophia. Yes, I’m still freaking out about the COVID-19 Vaccine. I’m not a man of faith; I deserve Hell… I’m there.

“I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I think you’re already there.” Jack Valentine

Because telling Braxton, he could rest either was an act of mercy or a fucking crime. I’ll tell the story of when I placed his water next to him. Braxton walked to its usual place. When he was dying, he wouldn’t sleep in the car. Braxton wouldn’t even lie down, not my son. Braxton fought for every single second of his life and what he wanted was to come home. Sometimes I’ll move his favorite toy to his spot on the bed, to the couch. I’ll keep it on my lap. Braxton was preparing me for “Times Like These.” I dreamt I was John Wick and Braxton was nowhere to be found. I slept longer, hoping when I woke… “Life finds a way;” “stuff and thangs.” Go To Bed B.

110 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 323 ~Point A To B~

WillLeave a comment

A sharp-dressed man takes on new meaning with a needle in my arm. I didn’t get all spiffy when Braxton got his needle. Of course, I still argue whether it was for better or worse. He’s not suffering, and I’m not living so the point. Point A To B

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Gospel 323 ~Point A To B~

109 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? At least you’re alive, somewhere, my heart. The only reason to put it back together

What about a reason to go take a walk? I was barely able to cut the backyard a week or so ago. Are you still watching over it and me? You spent your life chasing me around only to finally catch me and say goodbye. Of course, who’s fault was that? B, I killed you. The point of a needle, no my friend, the tip of the sword. I’ve told this story to anyone who would listen. Hell, to those that don’t care to. My anger, rage, my wrath towards those who wished me ill. All so I could fulfill the promise to you that I’ll be back B, ok? Sorry if I’m sounding a bit like the Terminator; M Anime sent me something yesterday.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDlzqs44hcA&t=2011s

The point of the needle B III that I won’t be facing today as it’s too late. Yeah, it’s 7:00 AM right now, B, so my day is already shot to Hell since I didn’t wake up at 4:00 AM. Before you received your final shot, I should have fought for every single second, Braxton. I didn’t want you to suffer any longer than you had to. So why don’t I get out there and take my medicine as it were? Maybe I’m asking your permission to live, to die, make your choice. The one I took from you because what was the point of your life Triple B hmm? I’m not being mean because you chose to love me despite everything. I love you.

109 Days Later and 15 years 11 months before. How many times did the point of the pen or my finger touch on that? You won’t be forgotten, B III, not as long as I live. The point of the vaccine is living; it’s something to get back to you. Dying is us together always. What is the point of my life right now? It’s like I think at the Day Job when you’re going through Hell, you keep going. Will Smith said something to the tune of if you’re not making someone’s life better, then you’re wasting your time. Braxton, a purpose fulfilled. That might be plagiarism, but that would mean I’m published too. To speak of us, Braxton. That’s Point A To B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 322 ~Needling Away Might B…~

WillLeave a comment

Plenty of religious movies that say Mark of the Beast this; shot that, but I’m not a man of faith. If Trumptards are against this, then it must be good. My son B III would want his Dad alive. To vaccinate or not, against COVID? Needling Away Might B…

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Gospel 322 ~Needling Away Might B…~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, a proud American, a good father, and an alright man. Like before, it’s fun to dream.

Since I’ll say I’m a Billionaire tomorrow, let me focus on being an American. The American Dream. Before B III, I was in the military, In The Navy but only a few weeks of Basic Training. That was the last time I ever intentionally saw a needle for myself, Echo. Now Braxton saw plenty, including his last one… we’ll get to that soon. Anyway, I don’t understand why this is such a hard decision to vaccinate or not from COVID-19. I’m not a Stupid Trumptard. Inspector Echo, I trust the science and want to do my part, USA yay. Honor, Courage, Commitment, yeah, one more reason I didn’t stick to my guns, literally on some ship. Nobody’s saying I can’t still wear my mask around…

I wasn’t when B took all his needles from the first to the last. Hell, half the time, I laughed, always telling him, “Be A Man B.” He’s a scaredy-cat…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMbcOC5dS5k

Anytime we went into PetSmart or over to Banfield, it was like he was walking The Green Mile. Or it was Room 101 from the book 1984 (scary). Allow me to be overly dramatic. If it were between having Braxton looking at me those last moments or the cage with the rats? He’s not asking me to do that, though. Braxton would want me to be healthy and safe, especially since he’s no longer here to protect me. If the vaccine did kill me, well, like I’ve been saying, I’ve got it coming. It’s deserved. Does it beat exploding “Spontaneous?”

Yes, I’m still a grown man obsessed with a movie about high school. I’d be lying if I said a bit of peer pressure wasn’t involved with my decision. What, I’ve made a decision? That explains why I have been sleeping so late or Depression? It’s almost 7:00 AM, shame. A “decent” man once said, “Listen to the woman,” or women in this case. I would do anything for a pretty girl. My second BFF hasn’t gotten the vaccine, but her hubby has. A woman I’m hoping to do “stuff and thangs” with is pleading with me not to take it. What kind of man am I then? Braxton’s father always, forever, and would he be proud of me after yesterday… Needling Away Might B…

108 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 321 ~B In The Doghouse~

WillLeave a comment

The Day Job is Hell, the Decisions I will have to make (Mask or No) but the Doghouse… Between Grief and Nothing, I choose Grief, but I am a minority of one in that. The High Priest of the House of Braxton. B In The Doghouse but shut up

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Gospel 321 ~B In The Doghouse~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t think I’ve seen all our money in any one place. Would be dangerous

One more reason I haven’t finished my album for Braxton besides being lazy. Yes, lazy, not sad, or moving into Depression (shudders). I still deny I’m even into Bargaining, even though we’ve been doing plenty as of late. It’s been 107 days since Braxton’s passing. Again another reason I’m hiding out in the Study instead of facing you like a man. Of course, “I prefer handwritten sentiments,” so you have Braxton beat there. But I’m pretty sure he could read some. Okay, so I am going crazy, but you and the children are here too? Not very comforting? What I mean is, it’s because of Braxton I learned the value of a picture and of keeping family close. B III, you, them, you are everywhere.

Baby girl “If I had my way, then surely you would be closer. I need you closer.” I’d like nothing more than to be in bed with you and just talk about B III. To tell you how much I miss my boy and that I need him, love. I need you, I need us, and to believe in love. Even my second best friend is getting sick of me talking about him, and she and I never fight. You and I, on the other hand… At the old Day Job, all I ever did was rage, and I don’t want my home to be that way ever. It’s not going to be how it once was, either Baby Doll. Never again with B gone.

To think I complained about dog hair when Braxton sat on one of my masks. I will miss wearing masks because a year wasn’t enough time to break me of fake smiling. That’s what it would be, pretend, in dreams, just my imagination. Oh, but to stay in Denial always. Only I can’t hide from you being here and my Dæmon being gone forever. But where am I to go? I’m starting to understand the true meaning of loss and being lost because Grief is love with no place to go. Not that I’m blaming you at all, ever because I wish I could climb inside his doghouse or box…

He wanted to stay; let me lay here forgetting the world. B In The Doghouse.

107 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

WillLeave a comment

Braxton’s leash is free and remains unused for what is now 106 Days and counting like all of his other things. Meanwhile, there is no stopping the mighty dollar, my mourning, or my mooning. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame.

Monday, May 17, 2021

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

Hundred And Eighty-Eighth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I have my boy, and I own a brothel. It’s fun dreaming…

Let’s start with the first; if I had a billion dollars. Of course, the song is If I Had A Million Dollars, but I dream big, or still of Braxton. The money doesn’t matter much anymore, not after B III. If I want to try again, though… All I’ve read on fur babies says it’s natural, betrayal; Madam Justice, not betrayal but guilt. Let’s meet in the middle and call it Treachery. But like all my sins, I am one to downgrade myself to greed. It’s one of the reasons this week I want to focus on getting my tattoo of B III. It will be expensive, I guess, but Braxton’s life? B’s worth everything. With anger, I blame greed. Money is the root of all evil, The O’Jays sing.

So why couldn’t I save him? I’m beginning to move more and more into Bargaining, but you know I don’t want to. It’s like Dante making his way through the circles of Hell, and what is the next? More beats, more breaths, and blankets full of tears. Today’s date 106. Hell, I couldn’t stop Braxton even when he knew he was dying. What a horrible thought? Do you think he accepted that while everything in him told him to keep going? Fuck Madam Justice, I’m one fucked up human being, but the thought of hurting my child, I could never. It’s still so weird that on one side of the coin, I’m free. On the other without my Cerberus to guard me, I’m a monk.

This, of course, guides me to my worse “sins” I gave up Dirty Diana, I believe Thursday, February 4, 2021. I haven’t done “stuff and thangs” since Thursday, December 24, 2020. It’s when I wanted to be a better father, and I should have gifted B with a mother, right? I’m only a man (snickers.) I saw someone ask (Onlyfans girl) when did she think of herself as an adult. I can’t tell you like she did when she said she bought her own house. My Olds took out a mortgage. They pay some of the bills. I have a job, hobbies (stuff and thangs.) Yet I am Braxton’s father? To leash the horny fanboy. Become someone Braxton’s proud of. Trying Madam Justice, I’m trying. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame

106 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 319 ~Weight For Me B~

WillLeave a comment

How tall am I… Braxton figured I was a king, and he was my little prince, who became the angel on my shoulder, and now? Is he somewhere in the clouds? I still carry him in my heart, though, so I guess I’m strong enough, maybe. “Weight For Me B.”

Sunday, May 16, 2021

Gospel 319 ~Weight For Me B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you can’t wait to see how much all that money weighs. Well, you have a week.

Hell, you don’t need a billion dollars. You don’t even need a million. Do you Remember The Time when you thought that $200.00 would solve all of life’s issues? Wasn’t it 105 days ago you were paying out $455.96 and praying for a miracle to save B, and then what? Good things come in small packages; good things come to those who wait. Why not go all Nelly Furtado and sing? “Why do all good things come to an end?” Only Braxton wasn’t just a good thing, a good boy. Braxton was good, better, best. He’s My Son, yours, always. Which is heavier, you think; love or hate? Dead or alive, you will carry Braxton always and forever. But now, here are Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody Exposed by Imogen Linn
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 135 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 142) No Fap
  5. I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
    Completed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – The Shawshank Redemption

No wonder you feel so tired as I did three of these things but the main ideas on the list? You’ve been all about the music this morning, so here’s another. All You Need Is Love. Not enough of that to go round, but then again, B was so small. Just A Touch of Love. Now it’s time for the psychological portion of our conversation? Both Indiana Gone and M Anime would kick your ass for saying this but AHEM, your taste in women? You’re still a monk but think about them and your two new subscriptions on OnlyFans… what? Braxton was a man of comfort, leisure, and big Yabbos. Always, like father like son. This morning it’s Braxton, Bed, Big ’Uns, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Owned: The Bundle by Neil Bimbeau
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 142 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Okay, not so psychological then, but the mind is heavy these days. I wish I could say it was The Art of War. Hope for the best prepare for the worse that bastard, meathead ASM. Your heart remains heavy with losing Braxton. To think when your heart was full of love, it was such a light thing, and now trying to pick up the bits. Step By Step, thanks, Whitney. Let’s not get into which Whitney, but what about this week? I would ask that you try and enjoy it? No, why not get some fucking work done, so you don’t have to do, the week after. As I was alluding to, there will be heavy lifting but the smallest coffins… Weight For Me B.

105 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

WillLeave a comment

Not quite the Mother’s Day week I had envisioned though congratulations to all my friends with their new kids and grandkids. I remembered when I was a child and wanting to stop and get food, but McDonald’s doesn’t serve love. Got Braxton At Home

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Yes, that’s a want, and I’ve been dreaming far too much. What about making it aspirational?

I’m sorry, Lady Lu, I had been thinking about this meme the other day. It’s how you want McDonald’s, and your Mom says we have it at home. One more way, I’m such a little boy, even back in my twenties. I didn’t want to stop. I needed to get back to B and be okay. This week I’m not, and I’m sure you’ve seen that. Since Wednesday night, I’ve imagined what it would be like to simply explode. Why must I repeat myself… AHEM, I’m not suicidal, Lady Luna. Braxton would never allow it. That didn’t stop me while he breathed. It’s like on one side of the coin, I want nothing more than to be with him again. On the other, if something were to happen to me and I faced my son, how would he look at me. Does he forgive me? I’m an atheist, but I know Braxton found his eternal comfy spot… The Rainbow Bridge?

SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen Spontaneous (2020). It’s like the “Red Screen” scene between Mara and Dylan and how they were happy and then not. Or it could be like “Angel” when Fred asked Wesley, “why can’t I stay?” It’s 1408, Mike’s daughter’s ashes.
I return here every day, and sometimes I even forget that Braxton isn’t here, and I sit on the stairs. When I do remember, I run through all the emotions, Braxton’s fear, his wanting to come home, all of it. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

“Boom, Explosion!” The fucking ASM lit the fuse, and here I am 104 days, and I’m trying to put myself back together. I know I’m still sticking with the pop culture analogies. Can you blame me, Luna? For living in fiction when you see what has become of this reality? Now Lady Lu, am I, Mara or Dylan. You know who I want to be, but God is cruel, yep. Like Fred, I might wake up a “monster.” Um, I got two new OnlyFans, and I’m making room for “stuff and thangs.” Of course, I’m like Mike holding onto my son’s ashes in a box. There’s no mom, no wife, no lover to stop anywhere, and I want to go home. Got Braxton At Home.

104 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 317 ~Ask Your Mother B~

WillLeave a comment

Instead of looking for the perfect woman, the goddess, I’d like to think of a girl that would love Braxton as much as I do. I’m already crying enough for two, so let some woman kick my ass for what happened to him. “Ask Your Mother B.”

Friday, May 14, 2021

Gospel 317 ~Ask Your Mother B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it’s because I’m “creative,” or I like to think. Thinking about who Braxton’s Mom is.

She would have to be an early riser. I know I haven’t been the past few days. It’s going 8:30 AM about, which is super late for me. If there’s light in the sky, we walk him and me. Hell, I couldn’t even open the back gate a few days ago. It’s not me being sad, just the rain, hmm. Braxton would want her to be a better cook, not that he ever complained about mine. I can’t help wondering did all those McDonald’s fries have something to do with his passing. They last forever, you know. With all the food both B III and I shared, I killed him. Once again, I will never let go of that point. Then again, Mom blames herself.

Not that I would want Braxton’s Mom doing that. No, I am guilty. If she wants to blame me… It would be karma catching up to me. My Ma never blamed my “Father” for anything, and see how I feel about that man? To make B think the same of me, oh, that’s a crime, yep. On the other side of the equation, she’s not one of those “wait till your father gets home” types. Shall I imagine such love like my wife being here, and B runs from her to greet me? He chose me over everyone. He loves our kids, loves his Mom, but it’s Dad. I’m back. It took his death to turn me away from boobs, but my life… his world.

Only one woman outside the family held his sway, and that’s my second best friend. I’ve said before how she had to let him walk all over her, sharing four months of food and treats. There was a cake for his birthday and presents. Braxton’s party was an incredible time. His last days though… no Braxton, I’ll carry you, I’ll get you more water, I’ll help you. If any mother could do better, I would welcome that rather than him dying in my arms ever. Ask your Mom to save you even if you hate me for the rest of your life, son. Men save gods all the time; that’s why they’re not gods. Dog spelled backward, and Mother is God. Ask Your Mother B.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will