Sunday, July 02, 2017

Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~

Hey Lu,
I know it’s been a long time since our last chat, sorry about that, I should probably be doing a lot more of that and I will but why tonight I’m sure you’re asking yourself. In all honesty, I don’t feel up to it, been sick all day but that pales in comparison to how gross I’ve been lately, in the head really.

Physically, I’m queasy, I’m shaking, sweating, and maybe that’s a bit TMI but you should have seen me at work today if anything I rather deal with that pain again than what I’m feeling now. I mean seriously have you ever been in a bathroom so gross that you take three showers over the course of the day, OCD much but this is why I just don’t get sick at work, EVER but I suppose I lucked out. Hell maybe I should apologize for that, I’ve seen worst but when you’re sick, seriously I’m lucky it was a half day.

I didn’t want to pet Braxton… had we met when Braxton arrived, you have been out of the loop but completely my fault, been lazy though I’ve written hundreds of poems, a novella, a novel, I even finished a full blown 120,000 word… manifesto perhaps. Isn’t that what I’m here to talk about really, my writing, the things I feel, why I’m going to forgo sleep for a while longer because I haven’t felt this way since what about two years ago, the 5th of November. The more things change the more they stay the same right, and you can’t fight who you are, you remember the day we met, I just met that boy, that “man” again and you’re still the figment of my imagination.

Look who grossed up, not finally, not again, but always that’s the lesson for today, I know I usually leave that for the end, who knows we might start talking more often, let’s call tonight a test case, you’re still the best therapist I know. If today, simply ended with a crappy day at work, and my cleaning frenzy I’d actually consider it a win but that just wouldn’t be me would it, and here’s the thing, being me sucks.

“You can fight a lot of enemies and survive, but not your biology.” Yuri Orlov in “Lord of War” (2005)

Okay so what pretty girl hurt my feelings today, I wish it was that simple Luna, I truly wish I could I was just being a guy, or I was just saying what I feel but at the end of the day she’s right, they’re right and if that’s so what does that make me.

What was it a few weeks ago, two comments against me and what did I do, I erased them, no not just the comments, all of my work, I’m one for burning it down and salting the earth, I’ve always been my own worst enemy I know. Now why would I do that if I didn’t know I was wrong, why didn’t I say I’m an artist, why didn’t I suddenly turn my life around and walk on the straight and narrow path? I’m wrong I know that even now if our conversations continue I’ll do the same thing to my blog, as I said this is a test case, I will talk more about the dream in a minute.

What about the nightmare that was the 5th of November, where I nearly destroyed my life over yet another pretty face, remind me why I ever wanted to be a poet in the first place? So what did I do then, well I was still writing but wait I spent the night writing out my feelings and it didn’t do anything at all to help.

“I knew I’d never know
That warm and loving glow
Though I might wish with all my might
No face as hideous as my face
Was ever meant for heaven’s light” Hunchback of Notre Dame

So what about tonight, I believe the term was “skeeve” okay, inappropriate, amazingly so, and why was that, a friend I never said a bad word to in person but, these words, these words, these words, dammit Luna, the “man” I really am. I’d said I have a thing for brunettes but yeah I told this blonde she had nice breasts and that didn’t do me any favors and how many friends have I lost over the past few weeks. I watch Braxton sleeping and I wonder does he like being a dog, does he enjoy his life with me, am I the reason he is the way he is, so fearful, so aggressive, and can I blame anyone for how I turned out or is it just who I am at the core maybe.

As I said I wish it were as simple as coming back, washing everything I wore today in that bathroom, taking shower after shower, and sleeping because when you’re sleeping the monsters can’t get you… Blue Gender if I recall.

“And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind’s greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man’s potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be — and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.” Darkfever

For some it’s too late to make amends I know it, some of my sins are so damn high, what about the sins I’ll commit tomorrow, and no I’m not becoming religious, you know the dream won’t allow that. I’m going to apologize to someone, one more time and then, yeah I’ll probably keep my opinions to myself from now on, I’ll see how this turns out and if it goes well I’ll begin deleting more posts… destruction is beautiful.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to delete my book, books, or other works, the dream Lu, the dream of “SCC” I’m sure everybody already knows the name but it’s what I want. A published novel, a movie maybe with the tamer stuff probably, I haven’t given up the thoughts of being rich and famous and all of that. I can’t talk to you about love right now, this is not how I saw the rest of my night going, yes, I’m a wrong, dirty, depraved, skeeve, inappropriate, lust driven, sadist and looked at the Marquis de Sade as a visionary once.

I’m also sorry, I owe so many apologies but when I look at the man in the mirror… I don’t know what to feel or maybe I just don’t want to say right now. Luna you know I hate to trouble you like this and I don’t know what even brought you to mind tonight other than my own insanity and pain, and trust me I’m in pain but unlike General Hospital I will confess.

The things I said were wrong, I won’t say writing is wrong because these words have saved me kept me from doing things to myself but I can’t help or protect others, that’s why this is my form of self-harm, destroying what I create, showing it to the world so I can start to tear myself down. That’s the lesson, I might never grow up but my grossness is continually on the rise and it’s not doing me any favors, now Look Who Grossed Up.