Gospel 349 ~B Leaves The Fix~

B and I weren’t ones for any sort of repair work. He’d bark until whatever would go away. I kept things running, wanting to find him a mom. When we broke, there wasn’t anything an, “I’m sorry” and a bag of fries couldn’t fix then… “B Leaves The Fix.”

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Gospel 349 ~B Leaves The Fix~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should hire someone to fix the bathroom plumbing. That’s something that men do.

I’ll be honest, anytime I’ve tried something like that, Braxton would run and hide. It doesn’t mean I haven’t done it. When I unclogged a toilet, Braxton Barks tucked tail. Cleaning is another matter with the same result. When I would clean up nice, either I was in trouble, or he was. It would mean my Olds are coming over or a pretty girl, often enough. I built two bookcases, I would put together some electronic things. Of course, my actual work was to create a world for him and me. You came along, and um B III wasn’t thrilled. The thing is, isn’t this what a man is supposed to do. I say often enough, A Man Provides, but where did love come in.

I didn’t know how to love Braxton when he first came into my world. Then, the first time he ever got sick, my sister had to show me how to hold him. Braxton was tough afterward. Braxton didn’t like me seeing him sick because I would try everything to make him better but like everything… My baby girl, you’re perfect because love makes me really STUPID. You know how much I revile that word. Only like hate, to feel such love, I can’t turn it off. I knew there was some reason I thought of the Bath, but the sink’s good, unlike me, I know. Love and hate are flowing, but I can’t stop it, and it fills up and what happens. It’s never good.

That’s why Braxton would hide because for better or for worse, I wouldn’t be, I don’t know. Only as much of a man as I try to be, there are some things I cannot repair, HURT. When I was so young, I thought I was super bright and then life. I can’t bring B III back. Every day I told myself that I would never break your heart; ours remain broken. Children are still waiting for me to come back to “myself” there’s plenty of movies. Darling, I’ll bring you home, singing to me like Sade, but I’m here, hiding, dying. Destroying everything like Braxton thought I would until he knew he could come out. A better place, so I’m scared. B Leaves The Fix

135 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 342 ~To B Level Man~

I told a girl once I couldn’t live without her. To think I agree with my Old Man for once that such a proclamation was really STUPID. That problem when away, but here’s another one, going on without Braxton after 128 days. “To B Level Man.”

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

Gospel 342 ~To B Level Man~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I couldn’t tell you that one day I made it. Opportunity seized, Here Comes Success.

I couldn’t tell you the day goddammit WHEN I first met Braxton Barks. Of course, I’ve told the story a million times over of that moment. The little ball of fluff that would become my world for years to come. And WHEN he left, there was nothing but new questions. I am thinking back to when I was in high school. All I would do is write down math problems. It wasn’t that I liked math as I asked myself WHAT am I doing waking up on the floor. Courtesy of my Old Man. My Love, why you and the kids will never see him. Anyway, there were problems that I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to because it meant doing things I just couldn’t.

Like, get over B III? That’s never going to happen. WHO would dare say such a thing, well other than my Old Man? Are you asking me to? I’m sorry I don’t mean to get angry though I am holding onto it. Anything beats Depression, and I’ll become depressed ever. So says the man who cries every day over his lost boy. The one who doesn’t care WHERE Braxton is because I know he’s not here despite what I do daily. Call it Denial, pathetic, sad, some form of insanity. Bipolar because a doctor says so, but no not Depression? WHERE would I go then after 128 Days without him. Back into your arms, to the children wanting a daddy, not like my Old Man?

WHY that’s a Hell of an incentive. My Old Man was an angry asshole, and I’ll never be that. Didn’t I say I’m holding it close, hating and destroying myself? WHY because it’s well deserved because I failed when B III needed me most, but you need me, the children. HOW I’ll ever be the man I was, I don’t know yet. I’m still cursing myself because I could even accept your affection for but a moment. To feel anything but this pain is wrong. So here I am once again writing down these problems, tried, measured, and found wanting. Darling Baby Girl, the who, what, when, where, why, and how of my life. Our lives but to share this hurt; To B Level Man

128 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 335 ~Braxton’s Behind The Times~

Can’t say I saw this today, but yep, I’m time traveling. Why can’t I do that in a new job or arguing with a real person? If I did have a time machine, I’d go back to B III. The time I spend on him now, amongst other things. Braxton’s Behind The Times

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Gospel 335 ~Braxton’s Behind The Times~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I can hope it’s because of some quote or some romantic gesture, fit for movies.

“Love can’t tell time,” from Our Family Wedding (2010), is one that gets to me. It’s something you have over B. Do I mean that as a compliment? I don’t want to insult you. At the end of the day, it is only a fact. Our Anniversary, birthday, there are others. Depressingly enough, the only days I’m absolutely sure of when it comes to B III are those behind his death. Braxton has been gone now for 121 days. I noticed something was wrong on Wednesday, January 27, 2021. Braxton died on a Sunday afternoon, 31st, death day. His birthday is up for contention. The night I left him with my Olds. The day that he and I were reunited and got our own home.

Home, is that what this place is? It’s where the heart is, and mine is still in pieces. Is it taking me longer than you would like to put it back together? No, because if I ever thought you were one of those people (it’s just a dog). We wouldn’t be here, You and Me. Of course, we have children, we know people, you might even call them friends. Wouldn’t I… a good question, for another time. That’s what we’re talking about right now, time. I would tell B III once I made it. Once there was more than the Day Job, “Stuff and Thangs.” I promised him that I would have all the time in the world for him, and now? “B III medicine.”

Every morning, there’s another treat, I refill his water, I shake the medicine bottles. In the evening again, more water, more meds, move his things. Do you think those few minutes are what it would take to heal? I built this life and won’t honor the family I’ll always love. Just You and Me, that’s what you miss? More than four months of mourning, of wanting to be a monk. The moaning and wailing, gnashing of teeth. Not doing the things that might get us into Hell because I’m already there. Again that’s not very complimentary, and no offense. “Fights will go on as long as they have to,” but are we fighting? Braxton wouldn’t like that, but so much love… Braxton’s Behind The Times

121 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 328 ~Trying, A, B, C’s~

“Show you how to be man, how to be the boss,” as the song goes. My Old Man was old school, a man ain’t supposed to cry, and if a man provides, you don’t need to talk about love. I want to learn better, but then there’s my first son. Trying A, B, C’s.

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

Gospel 328 ~Trying, A, B, C’s~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I must be able to care for our family. Black Lives Matter, A Man Provides

I could give you a list of things I believe in. God is not amongst them. We’re still not on speaking terms since Braxton passed. Hell, we weren’t much for speaking when B III was alive. And well, except for some prayer anytime I left him alone; Braxton’s protection, safety. Sounding somewhat like Toby “Roots,” oh, I ain’t never going to be no Christian man. As the song goes, My Love well um, it’s this “I hope he’s not like me, I hope he understands.” I want our kids to love like you, and I want to love them like I did my firstborn, Braxton. Yeah, after what happened to him? No, I happened to him. Fifteen years, eleven months, I’m still learning of fatherhood.

What can I tell you about my own father? I’m thirty-six, so I don’t envy the man, which is one of the reasons I want to remain a billionaire. I have yet to learn that money doesn’t fix it all, but I finally crawled out of bed after how long? A Man Provides, that’s true. Baby Girl, it’s always going to hurt, but we learn to live with it. That’s something I don’t want to teach our children. Maybe I’m wrong, not STUPID, but wrong. Those aren’t the same thing. At the old Day Job, they might as well be another reason for hating retail. That’s something I promise never to teach our kids. I’ll never teach them to hate, but how to stand up?

Why do you think I want to name our daughters Katniss, Tris, and Ember, girls on fire? If we have a boy and a girl, Luke, and Leia? One boy, Dante, or would I dare to name him after his big bro Braxton. B got his middle name Barks because it was his biggest feature. Here we are discussing baby names. And haven’t I sworn I would never have another fur baby? Yeah, that’s coming from the man that checks out Adopt-a-Pet every now and again. My mother, my son, even you, Baby Doll, have made me the man I am today. God didn’t make men, but men made gods. We make love; we make children. Before that was Braxton. Love? Trying, A, B, C’s

114 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 321 ~B In The Doghouse~

The Day Job is Hell, the Decisions I will have to make (Mask or No) but the Doghouse… Between Grief and Nothing, I choose Grief, but I am a minority of one in that. The High Priest of the House of Braxton. B In The Doghouse but shut up

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Gospel 321 ~B In The Doghouse~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t think I’ve seen all our money in any one place. Would be dangerous

One more reason I haven’t finished my album for Braxton besides being lazy. Yes, lazy, not sad, or moving into Depression (shudders). I still deny I’m even into Bargaining, even though we’ve been doing plenty as of late. It’s been 107 days since Braxton’s passing. Again another reason I’m hiding out in the Study instead of facing you like a man. Of course, “I prefer handwritten sentiments,” so you have Braxton beat there. But I’m pretty sure he could read some. Okay, so I am going crazy, but you and the children are here too? Not very comforting? What I mean is, it’s because of Braxton I learned the value of a picture and of keeping family close. B III, you, them, you are everywhere.

Baby girl “If I had my way, then surely you would be closer. I need you closer.” I’d like nothing more than to be in bed with you and just talk about B III. To tell you how much I miss my boy and that I need him, love. I need you, I need us, and to believe in love. Even my second best friend is getting sick of me talking about him, and she and I never fight. You and I, on the other hand… At the old Day Job, all I ever did was rage, and I don’t want my home to be that way ever. It’s not going to be how it once was, either Baby Doll. Never again with B gone.

To think I complained about dog hair when Braxton sat on one of my masks. I will miss wearing masks because a year wasn’t enough time to break me of fake smiling. That’s what it would be, pretend, in dreams, just my imagination. Oh, but to stay in Denial always. Only I can’t hide from you being here and my Dæmon being gone forever. But where am I to go? I’m starting to understand the true meaning of loss and being lost because Grief is love with no place to go. Not that I’m blaming you at all, ever because I wish I could climb inside his doghouse or box…

He wanted to stay; let me lay here forgetting the world. B In The Doghouse.

107 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 314 ~100 Days Before Braxton…~

It’s been 100 days, and I live in one being January 31, 2021. The worst day of my life; how dare I. “B III” didn’t live to see the end of it dying 4:00 PM (approximately). But who I was on Oct 23, Jan 31, and maybe on Aug 19. 100 Days Before Braxton.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Gospel 314 ~100 Days Before Braxton…~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I have been without my firstborn son, my Braxton, for 100 days. That’s 144,000 minutes.

The man I was before January 31st at approximately 4:00 PM (3: 46 PM when the bill was printed). That man has ceased to be. No, that man fucking died along with my child. Reading that bill only destroys me. It’s why I haven’t really looked at you, our family. Having become THIS or remained with 100 days, what would I be if I lost you, our kids, or anything else. I haven’t been, as Will Smith puts it, “being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can?” 100 days My Love and I sing “I’m no prophet or messiah.” Yet here I am, no longer writing it but living:

Friday, October 23, 2020 (100 Days Before Braxton’s Rainbow Bridge)

“Does that mean I’m STUPID, that BORED? Would the ENDINGS be worth all of it? Even in my novel, I still mourn the deaths of a family. In the second, I grieve for a dead girl and an upcoming marriage. Despite everything, I always figured I wanted to be in love and be a family man. Only that wasn’t the story’s end in any form.” 114: Willing The Story’s End

From January 31st to now… I know we have been over it. For 72 days, I lived in Denial and still do. After, I gave into Anger. On day 86, I talked about a dream that went into Bargaining. I’ve been looking into that, but I haven’t for a second thought what I do now? How many times do I repeat myself? I’m not angry at Braxton or the vets. I hate myself, but I despise the Day Job so much more. I can and have given up parts of my “lifestyle.” B III isn’t coming back. If I publish tomorrow, he won’t walk in begging to be beside me. But he died on a Sunday, that Monday I worked. Then only to be threatened.

In 100 days, it will be August 19, 2021. I will still love you, hell I’ll love you more for staying with me. If I’m a daddy to our children. You know how I feel about parents who fail their kids. Now I’m one big fucking failure as I walked into B’s room today counting. Nothing will change with Bargaining, and I can only hope I’m mad as Hell. I’m not going through Depression. I have cried every day since Braxton’s passing. There were 2 days but talking to someone brought on my tears, and one night forgetting Braxton’s meds. Will I be a better man, a husband, a father, a friend, I don’t know? But there hasn’t been much love, 100 Days Before Braxton…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 307 ~To The B Loved~

Dearly Beloved… it won’t be many of those when I get married. For the longest time, I thought that Braxton would be there, my Best Man. I guess I’m going to need a new vetting process because I’ve been turning my back on EVERYONE. To The B Loved

Tuesday, May 4, 2021

Gospel 307 ~To The B Loved~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and someone said love or rather passion is like money. There’s a time to save it up, a time to spend.

So where is my love? An excellent way to describe it is this, and yes, it’s an explanation that I borrowed and/or stole, yep. My love is like having $19.00 in the bank. You know it’s there, it’s yours, but you can’t go to any ATM and punch in $19.00. And walking into a bank… Please stop me, Baby Girl, before I burst into Saving All My Love For You or I Will Always Love You. You never need to doubt my love, but now it’s just so damn hard to reach right this minute. First, it was my sadness about Braxton, and these days it’s this rage against so many idiots. I wish I could turn my back on the lot of them as I turned on our family?

Never ever, Baby Doll, it’s just, well, take today for an example. You know I’m a Star Wars fan, but I’m not one of these fans starting a fight about it. I can’t watch every movie today because of Stupid people. Only Star Wars is my heart (what’s left of it). God, I miss B. Today of all days, I don’t mean to hurt my friend Indiana Gone. Happy Birthday!!! The thing is this, much as I like her, if you pitted her against my little boy, she wouldn’t stand a chance. Braxton is my firstborn. Braxton’s my longest relationship ever, father to son. There is nothing that can ever make me turn my back on him. Nothing will make me betray us, my love.

It’s just, and I’ll never understand why. But in the words of Stephen King: “God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live.” The hatred of people, my hate of those people, took my Braxton from me. My love, you show me that all people need not be hated and feared. Braxton and I met in my twenties. And he showed me that no matter what assholes like the ASM, the gemstone bitch, or the spectator do. There is love within me— that love I give to you that made our children. I have to find it without Braxton. Good Luck.

Well, I have you, always and forever, right? I ask you not to question me, and yet I doubt you. Trying To The B Loved

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 300 ~B Cause Growing Up~

B III IS always a puppy to me, but he grew up. He can climb the stairs and hop on the bed. B was the angel or devil on my shoulder. Sometimes he would step on my face, and now I see how high he’s gotten. Should I stop crying? B Cause Growing Up.

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Gospel 300 ~B Cause Growing Up~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but why did I want to be? Power, no more, no less. God is Power, right?

Like the song goes, “I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it” thanks a bunch, Missy Elliott. Taking in all the connotations of that song, consider this. I put Braxton down (no, I killed him). As for flip it… if I want to see him, I look to Heaven, or there’s his “coffin.” I should call it an urn. It’s a box that I have to unscrew to see his ashes. Finally, reverse it; what’s God spelled backward… Dog. My Dog, my friend. My son is Power. Braxton is my heart; why not go ahead and say my everything. Um, I didn’t know I could love so much. Then you came along, My Love. That’s not an insult; it’s a fact, my reality.

They say God is love, but again Dog is love. THEY say that most people don’t know what they want. I know long ago when I spelled my first word. As I put pen to paper, I wanted to be a writer. Oh, I wanted to be a sword fighter too, so we both see which one I stuck with, ha. I wanted to be a fighter pilot, a comedian, a wartime journalist. Nowadays, “I’m a motherfuckin’ Starboy” Pardon my French, but my life is pretty hilarious. And how about how I write. I don’t need a war; all I have to do is sit down and bleed. A tad offensive? Such things weren’t when I was growing up. Here I am, crying about Braxton.

I’m just a little boy, a grown-ass man crying about a puppy. I don’t know when I decided I wanted to be a Dad. I’ve had dogs before, at my grandma’s house. B wasn’t even the first Dog I held as he died. I was covered in a puppy’s blood once; my fucking granddad. I’ve told the story enough; the day my Olds moved, and I called to Braxton. He came running without a second thought. I’m sure you’re having second, third, even sixteenth thoughts about the man you married. You, baby girl, have blessed me with children. However, I’m still growing, learning, and I have so much love to give. So I want more, undeservedly after my Braxton, no way. B Cause Growing Up

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 293 ~Braxton Paws Is Love~

The day I lost my son, there went my remaining love. At first, love was like a river that continued to flow, my tears, the hoodie I wear, the music. Then because of some asshole, my “peace” was shattered and replaced by Anger. “Braxton Paws Is Love.”

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Gospel 293 ~Braxton Paws Is Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m gonna love you now. Hell, when Braxton and I had nothing, I loved him.

I love Braxton still as I love you, our children, the life we have created together. For the past Seventy-Nine Days, I have found that DENIAL has blocked and muted everything. THEY say that love is not only what you say but what you do. A Man Provides baby girl.
Feeling it and doing it, though? It’s like Braxton paused love. I’m starting to understand how THEY say you can’t love another until you love yourself. Now I never liked that. In truth, it’s a lie because I hated myself, but when B III came into my life… Wow, it’s like the same thing. He paused my hatred, the wind, the wrath. To think I complained that he distracted me but what about right now.

You are doing your best, My Love. I am not asking you for anything. Okay, you say Let Me Love You. I’m not trying to be one of those broken men who need saving ever. As you say, When You Say Nothing At All… it’s the only way I can love you right now. At the very least, I will do no harm, and it saddens me further I have to say such a thing. To have lost such love as that of my son. Then to have the evils of men reawaken my ANGER. God, it has been so easy to cocoon myself in my DENIAL. Love, always and forever. Braxton’s remains in a box, and that’s how I feel. I’m Sitting In Limbo, I hope. It was better.

Indeed, I was but until the fucking tattooed arms of men. I dare not turn my ANGER towards the innocent. It was such rage that led to such apathy. Soon I may have time to love again. Who seeks time to hate? It’s why I lie with you now as every time I get up… That’s what feeds my fury. The fact that another black man found it fitting to steal my peace as my Old Man did. I go to say bye to my boy, and my heart beats faster. My blood boils. With these hands, oh My Love I’d love, write, pet my fallen son again yes, yes. Mourn alongside me, but I won’t make you Lady Macbeth. Love… Braxton Paws Is Love.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 286 ~Can’t Buy B Love~

B was here when I was gaming. I haven’t picked up a controller in months. He was here when I was doing my thing to make money. Such a bad attitude for a writer, but I love it and him, and if I were getting paid, might he be alive? “Can’t Buy B Love.”

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Gospel 286 ~Can’t Buy B Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m not saying you’re a gold digger. If you’re asking anything… where is the love?

Now make no mistake, I love you more each and every single day. I love our children, which is why you know that Braxton’s passing is hard. Where is the love? It’s sitting in a box on the nightstand; it’s hanging around my neck. Baby Girl, it’s in Braxton’s bedroom. It is funny, isn’t it seeing as how he never used it unless we um… yep he was just one of the kids, my firstborn. A softer bed wouldn’t have helped the situation. In the end, I would have spent my last dime on fries, but he didn’t want food. I only want to be with you. That’s my Braxton. Also, you too. If it’s not song references, should I compare thee to my dog all day? Maybe not, hmm?

I’m comparing you to the only love I have ever known for almost sixteen years. He was worth everything I own; well, we own now. I waste cash on myself, no doubt. Only it was B III that made me want to work so hard, to give him so much, and I didn’t try enough. It’s as if I can’t find the balance, My Love. Love wasn’t enough to save him. While I doubt all my fortune would have done anything, it would have been worth a try or something. With you, I give all this wealth but what you’re not feeling is any love from it. I still try. Baby Doll, that’s what I promise, that I will always try, and it is there.

I told you once before how I’m into Aloe Blacc’s “Wake Me Up.” There are these two lines in particular: “Life’s a game made for everyone. And love is the prize.” Love isn’t such a thing. No, love is the instruction manual, and I just lost mine. So, continue, insert quarters? It’s better than me walking away, deciding I don’t want to play anymore, then what? I wouldn’t rob you of Player 2, but I lost Braxton, and I need time to learn this game again. Have you had enough of my game analogy yet? I haven’t been spending on gaming. Hell, the quiet is killing me, but we have to pay for that too in Life. Will you lay here? Can’t Buy B Love.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will