Chronicle 208 ~Will Love B Back~

Superman, Batman, they can take off the cape. Other heroes can take off their costumes. B’s my hero, and he never wore a thing but a collar and a PetSmart bandana. But he always had my back, and I had his. Two against the world. Will Love B Back

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Chronicle 208 ~Will Love B Back~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I get no days off. Or so they say. Being a husband, father, man.

This time last year, I remember thinking I’d become something “wrong.” I was seeing, like the song “All These Things That I’ve Done.” Gospel 208 Collective Madness Is Called Sanity. Sweet buttery Jesus, I wish I could ask you to come along. You tell me now more than ever before I should look at all the good things. “All The Small Things” our children, Love. Oh, the music. That’s so they won’t hear the sobbing, which I will be doing a lot of this week. And it’s about one of those small things. If you didn’t believe that, we wouldn’t be together. Never ask anyone to choose between their furry and, well you. Again you know this and with B, My Love; “He’s My Son.”

Baby girl with you, children, the family, the life we’ve built, I ain’t fucking leaving. Insanity. But I can’t wear my cape today. I’m not going to pick up some smokes; I can’t stand smokers. I’m not much of a drinker. As much as I should pound back several bottles. Please, I need to feel this. Christians say I need to take up my cross and follow him. My son. I always found that funny. Do you think Jesus would want to remember his death? Braxton wouldn’t want me to remember him this way. Hell, it’s not even the day yet, January 31st. I don’t know if I’ll have anything to say then or the day after. But it was him and me that day.

So you can’t have my back on this one, Baby Doll. I’m not pushing you away, but I must stand alone on this one. I don’t know what I’ll do; Monday the 31st and Tuesday, Feb 1st. Grieving? Sure, but my love isn’t going anywhere. When I looked at Braxton on the day, I don’t remember if I asked him to stay or go. Braxton fought so hard. Did I have Braxton’s back? You have mine, and I have yours always and forever. This week I should remember. Braxton and I would sleep back to back sometimes. Somehow or another, taking turns being close to the door. How he would guard me during naps. Sitting on my shoulder. All our comfy spots together. Love never leaves. Will Love B Back

359 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 201 ~A Paw From B~

Let’s hear it for the boy; let’s give that boy a hand. I didn’t do that enough when B was alive and when it mattered, with these hands, yeah with these hands. I don’t need applause, as all he clapping in the world won’t bring him back. “A Paw From B”

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

Chronicle 201 ~A Paw From B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how did I do it. As the song goes, “with these hands, with these hands.”

It’s what I want to sing; it’s what I want to believe. I see hands clasped together praying. THEY say it’s in God’s hands. Into thy hands, I commit my spirit. Getting out of hand. You know I could go on like this for a while. And could go with touching you, my love, um. Is, always and forever outside of the realm of possibility? I wouldn’t blame Jesus, love. Believer? I continue to go back and forth. Yet I ask where his hand in all of this was, hmm? If I don’t give him, her, or It any of the blame, I’m not handing out credit either. But you? Baby girl, how long has it been since I asked for your hand? Just kidding.

A husband is in dangerous territory, not knowing that. The fact is I asked, and you gave. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t reached out and found you. And with our hands, together, you and I created… God, I count ten little fingers and ten little toes.

For the second time in my life, the third, fourth, even more. Feet don’t freak me out. Darling the first? Yeah, the first had me on the ground feeling the pavement and counting ten seconds. I had to make sure it was safe for my firstborn to walk. Again, while I go back and forth. The first had my hands clasped together, me on my knees praying. My hands couldn’t save Braxton. But his paws?

“Pa, father, Daddy, wake up,” B would say by stepping all over my head. And you wonder why when I take the kids to see the fur babies, my big concern is paws and nails. Pausing my life to know before you and them when there was no hand to hold. How they say, I found a paw Gospel 201 Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken. B and me until the? Paws stopped moving; my Braxton left this world 352 Days ago. I look to my hands that signed the papers. My tears have surpassed all those days. Even last night, they found me I need that. Yet you say I Want To Hold Your Hand. I love you. Taught because of, A Paw From B

352 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 194 ~Love B Hard Sometimes~

You give out hope like it’s candy in your pocket. Well, no, I could give you the meaning of life pretty easily. The concept of love? Now that’s something you don’t keep in your pocket. B gives it out always. But for 345 Days. “Love B Hard Sometimes.”

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Chronicle 194 ~Love B Hard Sometimes~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, more like we are, and thank goodness. Love to my Olds is not being thrown out.

I swear that’s why I stay away from them. Being who I am, being me, well, that’s subject to debate. How do “THEY,” say, you’re lucky I love you? Because I don’t like you not one little bit. Speaking of a little bit, of course, you know I will talk about my B III. Braxton taught me all about love. Well, B III and Chris Rock. Defining what love is? Always ahem the want, need, desire, to put another above oneself. That’s why I’ve never agreed that you need to love yourself to love another. Of course, I would love to love me. One more reason I stay far from my Olds. I grew up to this. I was a duty, obligation, a hated job.

Thirty-seven right? Love is like books and writing to me. It’s a thirst, My Love. They have that word right and wrong. I want more; oh God, help me, and not only boobs, um yep. Hell, look at Braxton? He didn’t have any boobs even though he wanted to claim his aunt’s. But from the moment I laid eyes on him… Talk about we found love in a hopeless place. My life became that of his, loving myself to love him from that moment. Now some way, that’s what killed him as well. It was my indifference when love itself became routine. I have it wrong… it’s not love being hard; it was life. At the same time, my obsession led to his passing away.

You’re the first woman, My Love, that didn’t find my obsession; oh, what’s the words? Creepy, stalkerish, perverted, the list goes on. I don’t love pizza because I don’t know everything about it. I don’t love my phone… Would I die for it? Obsession, knowledge. People say they love, but how much do they know? Unconditional love, as in without condition, you have to know everything. You and Braxton know everything of what I am. And that’s why love is hard sometimes. It’s learning, it’s understanding, it’s growing. We learn about our children; we learn about each other. And to realize that my child, my firstborn, is dying and love, every want, need, and desire can’t save him. What Is Love? Love B Hard Sometimes

345 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 187 ~Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye B~

It was only a kiss, yet I’d argue with B every morning. I know where his mouth has been. He didn’t seem to mind when I would kiss the top of his head. But he must have thought humans are weird. Well, kissing shuts humans up. “Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye B”

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Chronicle 187 ~Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, well, more like we are. Only mouths are better for other things. A kiss, Baby Girl.

You know I am some kinda way about my Olds, but if I remember anything good. Well, it was the fact that they always kissed each other goodbye before departing. An idea I’m hoping to continue with you despite what’s going on with me. Right now, it’s B, My Love. A New Year’s Kiss. Excuse me for being crass, well no, because I know you instead like me this way. Anyway, if I’m going to be kissing something HAIRY. It would be the top of B’s head. That’s another first; I couldn’t do that this year and never again. Tomorrow? Baby Doll, I keep thinking that. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. 338 Days of him not sitting on my head, My Love.

Sure, you sitting on my face is great and all. As I said, it’s been a while, and you know your man. If I wanted to get in trouble with you, why don’t you ask if I remember our first kiss? Don’t ever want to experience our last kiss. Now Braxton’s… Sunday, January 31, 2021. My firstborn got me more than prepared for our children crawling all over us. Death by kisses “What A Heavenly Way To Die” My Love. A thousand sweet kisses, “I’ll Cover You,” and our family. Yeah, I know Spotify again, remembering days, fucking Day Job. As I said, there are such things we can do with our mouths. Singing, hell, I should try again before saying something STUPID. But B…

Looks like crying every day over B isn’t changing in this new year. When I had to talk to the vet. And I gave her permission. Talking to a woman, and that’s what I do. Asshole! Braxton saw me as such, or was I still only his Daddy who wouldn’t take him home. The man that was going to let the vet and her assistant do these things. Explain Daddy, right? All I could do was hold him and kiss the top of his furry little head. I love you, I’m sorry, goodbye? If a kiss is good for anything, it shuts me up. It stops us from thinking love. Ha thinking before like Gospel 187 ~Panic Does Not Serve You~. Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye B

338 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 180 ~A Year To B~

15, B would have been 16. I made it to 37, and I’ll be 38, 39, 40, oh no? The eighties suck, and people talk a lot about 2020, but 2021 was the worst year of my life. How I survived without my boy. And do you see any family around here? “A Year To B”

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Chronicle 180 ~A Year To B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so what else is there to look forward to? My indifference is what got Braxton killed.

The man that has everything but his best friend… As long as Braxton’s been gone and as long as we’ve been together. “Oh, baby, I love you, just leave me the fuck alone,” as the song plays. Which you did, considering what time I woke up this morning. Fucking up? Baby Doll, I know I am, even worse than the plague year. I went back over Gospel 177 ~It’s Christmas, Willie B~ last year at Christmas. To think we could survive the pandemic but this? This year has been the worse of my entire life. Beating out the eighties, wow. Baby girl, of course, that has nothing to do with you. You’ve been here, but as for me. Hell, I’m still stuck in seven days.

A year to a dog is seven years, or so THEY guess. How many years does that make 331 Days? You know I suck at Math, Music, Making Love? When’s the last time Baby Doll? It’s four days until the new year, and I don’t know where to begin. I’ll be 38. That’s next E-Day. Will I see Braxton’s Aunt before the new year? I say I’m a billionaire, however… Yeah, I can’t hear B III. You’ve been trying, screaming, crying, you love me. Besides “Don’t Look Up,” there have been soundtracks. Just Look Up, Memento Mori, Fourth of July. Ironic, the Fourth of July, the noise. And the same will be heard for new year’s. Will you still be here for me, My Love?

I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve told you the tale of how I was planning on taking my own life years ago. I say planning because I was only starving myself. Braxton saved my life, and I knew he needed me, so I would always say, I’ll be back. Fucking Terminator. Anyway, I made you the same promise, Always and Forever. With all the family that turned their backs on me, why would I ever want to be them? Yet this whole year with Braxton being gone. Sunday, January 31, 2021. It’s been all him. Come the first, I have no resolutions as yet. I’m not going anywhere, neither is B, but how about you. A year of beginnings, books, baby, brats, A Year To B.

331 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 173 ~This Christmas Will B~

My “father” told me I’ve had a “White Christmas” here or there. I’m too old to remember. And a “Blue Christmas” doesn’t seem to cut it. I’m sure B is somewhere barking, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.” If only in my dreams, right? This Christmas Will B

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Chronicle 173 ~This Christmas Will B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I could take Santa’s job. Well, that’s sort of the thing being a Daddy.

Do you think the kids know yet? When I discovered the whole Santa Claus, Jesus, and Olds conspiracy? I was older than I’d like to admit. To be honest, all of 2021, I’ve felt older and younger than I’d like. A boy, crying over B III. A man trying to be “strong?” Uh Nah. I’m sure the kids would be happier not waiting for Santa but for their Daddy to come home. There’s a reason I, well we don’t go “home” for the holidays. My Ma invited me home once, and I asked whether Braxton could come too. She never asked again. Christmas with Braxton. Sometimes it scares me to know how much our kids are like me. To be like you. A Christmas Wish?

Every day Christmas gets closer, I still think about what I want most of all. You know, of course. My friends know, and there is nothing anyone can do. Um, if this was Futurama? I could say I want nothing. With everything, I have, no what we have. What do you give the man that has everything? I wouldn’t be a proper billionaire if I didn’t want more, ha. Then once more, I could ask what you and our kids want? Christmas is supposed to be a time for miracles. Yet to this day, I still live by this. My desires, Impossible, Insane, Illegal. Why do we save it for Christmas? Braxton has been gone 324 Days. Not one passes that I don’t need him.

I’ve had a White Christmas and ones without snow. As the song goes, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” I’m sure our children would say, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” How about a Christmas without me using Spotify? My Olds had a sound system. Speaking of tradition, I’ll be in here reading my Christmas Erotica alone. Want to come? I’m sure I’ll invite the children to watch Santa’s path on the computer. Pretty awesome. Will you cook up a brunch as my Ma does? Um, I don’t know if she does now, but ok. The thing is, “this Christmas will be a very special Christmas?” It will be different, that’s for sure, but Santa never fails. The postman, Braxton, Love. This Christmas, Will B

324 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 166 ~Heard “See B” Radio~

What do I do for fun or in my spare time? I’m no billionaire yet, but I’m all for space, particularly Star Wars. I’m still waiting for The Walking Dead but not Madison… wait, what? And finding time to cry out my lost boy, a hobby. Heard “See B” Radio

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Chronicle 166 ~Heard “See B” Radio~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. This means I have walls dedicated to Star Wars, The Walking Dead, my family, and Braxton.

Of course, B is family, but it was us against the world for the longest time. B III was/is/always all I got. Don’t let my Olds hear me say that, or you. It’s not like I’m going home for Christmas. No, My Love, I am home with you, with our kids, and their hobbies. You know I’m one for thorough research on anything and everything. No wonder this time of the year makes us feel young again. It’s also why I’ll try to get them into things I know a lot about or something I hope will help them along the way in life. Yes, I hope. I thought I wanted our daughter to study a form of Martial Arts the other day. This world.

Do you know that Christmas song Run Rudolph Run? A little baby doll, electric guitar? To this day, I will never forget the actual Hell that was my Old Day Job but not the point. Love, um, if they like a doll or guitar, we’ll make it work, but I want more for them always. I wasn’t trying to sound all “woke.” I’ve been thinking that plenty. You also know I’m not one for politics. If anything, I have a conscience, morals, considering my “business.” You’re also not a Republican, so I can ask you what you want for Christmas. I’m sure you’re thinking you want your husband back. “And how I used to be…me,” as the song goes. When grief wasn’t my full-time hobby.

Books are better, wouldn’t you say? It was last week or so. I finished my 52 books for the year. Is that why I looked up “The Gift of the Magi” by O. Henry today? I can’t give you back the man I was. And I have your love, that of our kids, but there will always B a hole. Ok, so that’s a hobby I should give up, terrible puns of sorts, I guess. How about the music I rely on? Even now, I can’t help hating on the shithole that was my former Day Job. Yeah, all the things I need to give up, at least for the holidays, like swearing. Someday Love. Someone You Loved, you still do? Heard “See B” Radio

317 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 159 ~Happy To B Together~

Happy, I’ve never been able to define it with all the books I’ve read. Of course, there’s that one moment doing what guys do. I’m sure if I had the billions I seek. If Braxton suddenly found his way back to me. Happy To B Together

Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Chronicle 159 ~Happy To B Together~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and there was a time I believed that would make me happier than anything. B III…

Fur is murder. Those words are never going to sound the same to me ever again. I’ll never buy you a fur coat. You know I feel some sort of way about hunting. Unless we’re talking about “The Most Dangerous Game.” I miss watching movies with you. B between us. Always was, and he will always be. 310 Days and his fur is still everywhere. Not anybody’s fault. Well, ok, mine, seeing as how I hate to lose any little piece of him. I still have a tuft of his fur. I dropped my pendant a few days ago and panicked like people and smartphones. You would think our phones keep us together. For me, it was Braxton and now you. Um, so happy together.

That’s something I will always regret. I wasn’t “happy” with Braxton. Hell, the last time I fibbed about being happy, I was a kid, and my Olds took my sister and me to Walt Disney World. I said I was happy. Well, Love, Disney. Being The Happiest Place On Earth. Finland, I think, has dibs on the reality. Here’s something not looked up, Baby Girl. Individuals that say you have to be happy with yourself. People can’t make you happy. You have to love yourself, accept who you are. I never did anything like such. But B III made me ok. I mean, if he’s A-ok, he’s alive, life is ok, then I’m not doing half bad, I know. Because we’d be together, always, forever.

“I’m not sure. But I always read that you had to be ok with yourself first before you could be ok with another person. Now I feel ok with you. But I don’t know how ok I was with myself before I met you, so maybe you’re making me ok.

You’re not that ok.

Ok.” ― Defending Your Life

It was the promise I made him the very day we had our own place. Then I had to let him go. THEY say it’s the best thing to do. What’s that saying? Let them go, and if they return, then they’re yours forever. The fact that you’re still here. Always and forever. Old soul. I can’t define happy but together. It could mean existing now but loving and living? Together Baby Doll, you and me always, our family. I can’t afford to lose everything. Sometimes, all there is, My Love, is putting one foot in front of the other. B III had his four. Yet, I’m the tired one. And he got eternal rest, my son. To be happy someday. Happy To B Together

310 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 152 ~What B Doesn’t Know~

STUPIDITY is a disease like any other, but that’s not what took B III. Hell, compared to me, he was a genius, and yet he stayed, and a girl here or there decided hmm he’ll do. What B Doesn’t Know is he always was my priority

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

Chronicle 152 ~What B Doesn’t Know~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but Braxton didn’t know he was priceless. That anything and everything would come back to him.

Well, B III didn’t know when he liked a girl and invited her to the bedroom… Now, how many was that again? That he would be losing his side of the bed for the most part, ha. Braxton didn’t know that someone could cook well kitchen wise and he wouldn’t have to hide, fearing the worst. Braxton watched his grandma, but that was many years ago. It’s impossible that his best friend; didn’t rule the galaxy. When I was at the old Day Job trying to shut out the Humiliations Galore surrounding me, I’d think of us, Vader and Luke. If anything, Braxton and I were more C-3PO and R2-D2. You can guess which is which. Only come Star Wars Day and Sunday, he knew to shut-up Daddy’s watching TV.

Braxton didn’t know that he’d like another pair of Yabbos as much as his aunt’s. B III and I were very much the same in that aspect as I’m sure you know more than anyone. Braxton didn’t know whose side to take when it came to “Stuff and Thangs.” And why I would shut him out of our room when he wasn’t so bad. When did showers take so long? Braxton didn’t know why he had to work that much harder to cuddle me. Or why he now had two people full-time with protection detail. I gave Braxton “The Talk.” Somehow though, and you’ve heard me say this. I would sit on the loveseat, and he would put his toy next to me and sleep.

Braxton didn’t know he was too smart for his own good. He’s loved some questionable people in his day… his grandfather. Hell, what about me. My Little B loves me. Leaving on a jet plane? I’m more a fan of “Said you sailed a big ship. Said you sailed away.” The fact that my son gained his wings, however, people want to say it. It was him, Love, B III. B must know that you love me. And as I can’t figure out why he had to leave like that. I can’t figure out why he loves me or why you do. Why I can’t believe it. Not too bright. Such is my curse to be surrounded by love and intelligence. What B Doesn’t Know

303 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 145 ~Tail Of Two B’s~

As B passed, he looked me in the face. I turned around when his heart was no longer beating. When there was no longer the huff and puff of breath. When he could not hoist himself from the table. But turning my back on more “family” “Tail Of Two B’s.”

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

Chronicle 145 ~Tail Of Two B’s~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but if my father taught me anything, it’s that money is no replacement for someone’s love.

Time is money… well, I haven’t been sitting here crying all day over my lost boy. Ok, yes, I paused a bit and “let it out” while I was reading. It seems this or that, one way or another, that something is pulling us apart. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I let everything and everyone get in the way when it came to Braxton and me. The idea was to keep us alive. I loved him more than anything in this world but to survive, to build a life. With all the love songs in existence, I cannot believe “All You Need Is Love.” Again all day, it’s been about working, writing. To this day, I hate the Day Job.

Of course, I’m talking about the old one. The thing is, what that hellhole and doing what I want have in common? I put everything I have into them and leave nothing for myself. I’ve had a nap today, but I’ve barely eaten anything. Yes, time is money. My masterpiece? I wouldn’t go that far when it comes to my novel. How many years have I made this error? I’m the guy that gets mad when the line is too long at McD’s, and I’m late picking up a pizza from Pizza Hut. I’ll sit in the B-Dubs parking lot for a half-hour for food. Dammit, all the time I could be giving to my family, and it goes out the window on this crap.

Braxton would be upset that I still haven’t learned this lesson. I’ve told you before he taught me so much, but to cherish time? I would say Braxton taught me plenty of patience. When it came to things like walking, giving him his medication, just sitting on my lap waiting. I made time for him and before the end, where was I? Buying fries every day to avoid walks. Getting annoyed when I had to carry him. Fuck me. Yeah, when’s the last time you and I did that baby girl? Anyway, I would carry B forever and a day if I had the chance. The children can’t wait, neither can you, and I shouldn’t as you Love Me Now. But, Tail Of Two B’s

296 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will