Gospel 069 ~The Will To Exist~

Well, one more Existence Day down, and unfortunately *AHEM* Spotify, Mensa, Hulu, and Adam &Eve remembered. The good news about being with me is I’m not one for celebrations besides Star Wars Day. “The Will To Exist,” I get Star Wars, but why me

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Gospel 069 ~The Will To Exist~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and may the world forgive me for my selfishness. More to the point, may you forgive me, My Love. As Will Smith put it, “I’m being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can.” Is that all I’m going on, these 36 years? I’m not regretting a moment of it. Still lying here beside you and her. Hell or sitting in my bed with my sleeping firstborn as usual. I can’t help but ponder the man I am, and I don’t mean only surviving my day-to-day.

I want to be real with who I am and again, being here at this moment shows me that you see. Now I didn’t become the man that you could love, I’m the man that you decided to love. Does that make any sense? A friend told me to compromise who I am for love. I’m not Wayne Brady. I’ve been talking about listening more to black men I like but back to my point. Anyway, he made a list, “The List,” of everything he wanted in a woman. You’re everything I hoped for. You’re everything I need.” Yes, with my music, I know Love. Somehow I’ve never gotten to what I want in myself. I know I want, like everything, I want lots of love and little ones, but what of the man inside. I’ve always hated yesterday until, hell, I don’t know. My parents weren’t happy I arrived, nobody else either but you, baby doll, that I exist.

You’re mine, and I am yours always, that makes us happy. I’ve never agreed with those people who said you have to love yourself first. You have to be in harmony with who you are. I found peace with you. Baby Girl, I’ll note millions of reasons with us. I know it to live hm. Is it only a Billionaire status… of course, living the dream. I can think back of a time when lying in bed, hoping I didn’t get humiliated at the Day Job, was as good as it gets. I was without direction, without purpose. My Mom would tell me I would find my way… another song.

How about a few like Chasing Cars, “if I lay here,” add in some U2 “With or without you.” Martin Luther King Jr. could be right about a man having nothing to die for, maybe.

“If a man hasn’t found something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Still The Will To Exist…

I Will Have No Fear

Log 352 ~She Never Existed, Willie~

My Olds gave me more time than I deserved before they kicked me out. My son was blessed with my good patience. Women though, talk about twenty seconds, I always find out the ending has come late at night ha. “She Never Existed, Willie”

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Log 352 ~She Never Existed, Willie~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which is only one more thing I want to breathe into existence. MILF Dos never existed, and today or yesterday (Time-Travel, remember). So too, our FINAL connection. Now that’s a lie. While I’m all about revealing my secrets, I do keep some and hers as well. Inspector, I’m not a bad man. Hell Inspector Echo, I never mean to be ever. Still the fact that I’m sitting here whining; that this whole week will be about, I don’t know. Why don’t I humiliate myself a lot more and try to help her if she needs it?

There hasn’t been a day yet, where I have written her off entirely. I’m like a puppy with a bone, well a boner, but I’m still on NO FAP. As for her, though, I would never erase or delete what I have, but she’s no longer on my phone… close enough. I’ve been talking about “The Nine” all this week, right. Here’s a story idea that’s more in Lady Sophia’s realm, Ghost Brothel… only a thought, Inspector Echo. Speaking of having any semblance of those, MILF Dos is still hard to talk about, so why continue? I’ve been sitting here procrastinating with all manner of things. As always, I’ve never been a typical porn guy, I need an emotional aspect. It’s one of the reasons I FEEL for Whitney Wright in PROM NIGHT. The fact that it’s been so hard to read Too Late By Colleen Hoover at all Inspector.

Yeah, freak her out more but mentioning the L word. Yes, I lusted after MILF Dos, but it was more than seeing her. She was my friend Inspector Echo, and Now you’re just somebody that I used to know. Only that’s the part that hurts the most. There was not even goodbye. Of the NINE, I’m seeing a score of four and four. Four of them blocked me, and four either disappeared, or I don’t talk to. The Harmonic War looked me up on Instagram but has been pretty silent. If MILF Dos had asked me to stop, would I have… YES. So why am I debating whether or not to try one last time? Goodbye is one of the best words. I understand why men pay women, but what is MILF Dos to me right now, friend, memory, hard-on?

Two words, one, zero, now three, “SHE NEVER EXISTED, Willie?”

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 331 ~If It Exists, There’s Porn~

I won’t take credit for this rule or a lot of them to be sure, but this one is a fundamental concept when it comes to being online, and at least I know the law, the rules unlike some in our government. “If It Exists, There’s Porn”

Monday, May 28, 2018

Lesson 331 ~If It Exists, There’s Porn~

Thirty-Fourth Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, even as I sit here and reiterate one of the fundamental rules that guide the Internet; I can only still estimate what brought about my fear, but my introduction to this concept was “Tenchi Muyo!” and movie channels.

One can only imagine who came up with this rule, indeed how do I come up with mine Two Hundred And Forty-Six and you know the plan is Three Hundred And Sixty-Five but this single rule governs many men. You know I have been working on my poetry compilation and every girl who made that list some time ago has porn online albeit a few fakes, but you would think that some of the actresses would crack down on this maybe. I’ve seen designers upset that game girls are used in such ways but again nobody honestly stops it and with how the government has been cracking down on escorts and brothels recently… does that offend you more than dead children, hell nearly everybody nowadays.

We are all trying to live in a fantasy because the real world; I don’t know anymore but I’ll admit, I’m a slave to it myself. Here I haven’t watched one episode of “Game Of Thrones,” but I have at least three actresses in what “Cherry” calls my spank bank, Pinterest. Before you shoot me; a dirty look, check out all the girls, cosplayers, “Killer And A Sweet Thang” anime, movies, Cherry herself. I’ve even had a mom send me a naked picture, any woman that says she doesn’t want someone to find her attractive physically is a liar but “#metoo.” If I told you half the things I’ve looked up from Sunday to now, my what you would think, the lesser being those girls from “Detroit: Become Human” Kara and North, coming soon possibly.

Maybe the real world has become nothing more than one big porno or at least a strip club and like everything else we want to record it, HD, CG, 3D, hell IMAX and if it’s between sex and death I will choose the former. In both, the stakes keep getting bigger though because nobody wants the rule of law, the rules, and you know what kind of guy I am Madam Justice, people make me worse because I don’t hide but I should I think.

Sometimes at least and I take my sickest, vilest, most depraved and perverted desires and lock them away but if you ask me I’m an open book, free and open Internet for everybody but still If It Exists, There’s Porn.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 202 ~Want It In Writing~

If it’s not said, read, or in bed does it even exists, according to Google it’s there and so I ask myself why am I so afraid it’s there; I wonder how many nerd writers there are because I always think of the technical stuff. “Want It In Writing,” hmm

Friday, January 19, 2018

Lesson 202 ~Want It In Writing~

“It’s funny, isn’t it? Only the white man wants everything put in writing, and only then so he can use it against you in court.” Tom Laughlin, Billy Jack (1971)

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, only writing it down doesn’t make it any more valid; to be honest, I expect all of my writing will find its way into court as exhibits a through z, so how can I feel so lazy? Maybe lazy trumps wrong in my eyes and how I hate my writing but I wonder how other people see it, yet another reason to be afraid just didn’t I write that I’m not scared.

I’m always writing because could you imagine where I would be if I said these things… hell, Lady Sophia, I talk about going to trial someday, I’ve been in trouble with the lawman accused of everything from stalking to terrorism, and then people wonder why I don’t write sunshine and lollipops. There is also this idea that I want to be rich but do I have anything fit for Amazon and apparently I don’t have a life worth being remembered and should I die you genuinely think my parents will have any of this stuff published? That’s telling isn’t it, that I believe they are going to outlive me but relax I’m not writing a suicide note, strangely enough, I never have, sleeping pills, Nyquil, other things, am I still looking for something to say?

I don’t know what I would do without writing, and then I go for such long stints without working on my novels and when is the last time I wrote a poem? You know I’ve even signed a contract that I would begin the editing process thanks to NaNoWriMo, and I still have writers looking for reviews, but it all comes down to the same concept, nobody cares and the people that do care… that in itself is a long story. It always comes back to that crucial question why do I write and you don’t know how hard it is because I am in an almost perpetual censor mode because just like real life nobody cares to listen anyway.

There was a time I was a whiny bitch about people paying no attention, and now I stand ready with a box full of matches prepared to burn it all and I don’t even worry about the mass exodus of people. If anything now I lurk in this place Lady Sophia, such is meager existence, and I can only hope that if I do not see stars, I do not see bars, but it’s my life, Want It In Writing?

“Are all nerds as good as you?”
“How come?”
“’Cause all jocks ever think about is sports, all we ever think about is sex.”
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 067 ~Take the Cake Please~

It feels like I have already had a whole cake to myself, cheesecake maybe, but I’m going to be full of so many things tomorrow but I must stand strong, or rather lie in my bed, but this will be no walk in the park. Take the Cake Please

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Lesson 067 ~Take the Cake Please~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, tomorrow will be a piece a cake, I keep telling myself that, a piece of cake, I wonder what great man upon facing the day that would define them figured that it would be a piece of cake. Sometimes I feel as though I have faced that day, others I truly hope not, and then I wonder why such a day exist, I feel you know what I’m talking about.

“Selling a gun for the first time is a lot like having sex for the first time. You’re excited but you don’t really know what the hell you’re doing. And some way, one way or another, it’s over too fast.” Yuri Orlov, Lord of War

Why sell guns my beautiful Lu (you see I gave you your form back) world’s gonna end one way or another, too bad it won’t be tomorrow but anyway, first I sell something worse than guns and second why must such and such a day be the day that defines me? When I was thinking about what I would want my name on, the cake did not come up, marquee, bestseller list, hell I might even prefer a headstone, no actually burn me and scatter me somewhere, haven’t thought of it yet. Haven’t thought of a lot actually considering everything I need to get done, everything that is coming up, not a piece of cake.

“Stay here.

Yeah right! Eat me, said the cake to Alice!” Stephen King’s Desperation (2006)

How about as easy as pie… can’t say I have a thing for pie either, I did like pumpkin pie once upon a time, and blueberry pie sounds yummy but I can’t say I have much of an appetite; this morning’s breakfast is like a stone. My mom never told me there’d be days like this, but she’s no prophet of course but if she had been I imagine I wouldn’t be in this mess at the moment, then again God fearing woman that she is… There is also the fact that when I know something like this is coming, I feel physically ill anyway, but already asked “Gospel Girl” about pizza, who says no to pizza right, but again who says no to cake and ice cream as well.

There are just too many things I can say about cake, for example, I always pictured myself as one of those men who just want to watch the world burn, and not be surrounded by a bunch of people singing, not that I’m worried about that happening, these days right. So what have we learned, well I think cupcakes are delicious and I wish I could remember what buttercream actually was but these days Luna, seriously Take the Cake Please?

“Piece of cake! Piece of cake!

Piece of cake!” – the movie Battlefield Earth (2000)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

The world is not crumbling around you, no you are crumbling within the world, from crown to toe, and so what remains of whoever you were or still are. Topless, yeah probably not what you’re thinking unless you’re “skeevy” like me.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

Hey Lady Lu,
Don’t believe what you read and only half of what you hear… I heard that in a movie once but let’s start a bit higher. I know you were thinking this was going to be something “adult” and honestly a part of me wish it was but higher Lady Lu.

Have you ever heard the expressions, having a price on your head, don’t lose your head, hard head, mind playing tricks on me, I could continue, yeah Luna I have a good memory don’t I? Today as the raindrops were falling on my head I just wondered what the price of mine is, the things I know, believe, every solitary thought. Of course, there is the standard, does anyone care enough to want to hate me to that degree; a price on someone’s head when we never use our brains.

“A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste” – Shrink, Get Out (2017) and the UNCF

Now, what our eyes and ears, most days we bury our heads in the sand and here’s another saying for you, “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” though I’ve never had much of a challenge with the speaking portion. Now seeing, I have a friend who actually prefers the burka look but it wouldn’t exactly help a guy like me. The hearing evil only applies to what I hear about myself (skeevy, the incident, never forget) … okay and the things that I want to tell you but we have barely been speaking a month since we started back to these somewhat lessons.

Speaking of which what is today’s lesson other than the fact I was listening to a Nas’s song and “Indiana” talking about ape nipples? I suppose I’m thinking about what actually makes us a human, or how about this, why I can’t seem to understand, what makes me, me maybe.

“So what is the “me”?

My brain, I suppose.

Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that’s you?

Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.

So if you’re aware you exist, then you do. That’s why you’re still here.” – What Dreams May Come
So I lose my head and the whole world isn’t on my shoulders though it feels that way a lot, don’t I still have plenty of heart? What about guts, do we really need to have another conversation about courage or my lack thereof and yet I still live.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages”

Probably one of the most beautiful sentiments I’ve ever heard is “don’t hate your broken heart lovely” makes you wonder why we’re so anxious to give it to someone right? How about the people who are looking to steal hearts away, I don’t think I have ever done such a thing, not for lack of trying, does that make it a crime? Not one heart could be kept in pristine condition, soft-hearted, cold-hearted, what about wearing your heart on your sleeve, makes me think of hiding a dagger to strike.

“Ohh. How embarrassing. There they are. They were inside you the whole time. You did have guts. I’ve never been so wrong in my whole life!” – Negan, The Walking Dead

Now Negan is a teacher if anything he taught me that everyone has guts and anxiety just makes me want to puke mine out all the time. I’ve been trying to keep them in over the past few days, thinking about having any heart changes by the second but as long as I have the guts I keep Braxton and me alive no matter what. How about the fact that I need them to find a woman and I can worry about a heart later?

Of course, this brings another question as we travel lower and lower because heart and guts don’t make you a man or even a decent human being. If I were to lose all of that what would I be then Luna, would I be someone like you, or something else.

Promise we’re not going to talk about whatever madness Trump is starting, but I know my biology and “equipment” quite well. What is it I told “Okay” the other day, I don’t want a woman that keeps me on my toes but knocks me off my feet, whatever that means.

Someone once said, vote with your crotch because, your mind can be fooled, your heart can be broken, and your guts are sort of twisted but your naughty bits always know what they want and I happen to agree. On the other hand, men thinking with the little head and not the big head leads to plenty of trouble and don’t even dare to dream that you can use both. Needless to say, a nice “release” can make everything appear so much clearer but with my writing who truly knows.

Last but not least, getting weak in the knees, “knocky” in the knees, knocking boots, now that is one I haven’t heard in a long time. Falling in love… I think if anything and you know me well enough to figure, we have to fall might far before we can even hope to be made whole. Walk a mile in my shoes perhaps, it all begins with that single step, and so on and so forth but in the movie “Just Looking” I liked that expression of, I don’t sell shoes Lenny, I sell journeys.

What the hell have I learned today, from crown to toe, what makes us, might have nothing to do with the physical, take it all away and what are we left with? I don’t know but naked and afraid, topless, even nonexistent, there is something, no man can see and that perhaps is what makes the man, woman, human, and it’s more than God, Topless.