Saga 216 ~Breathe, Virgil And B~

Smells Like Teen Spirit or worse. B was only fifteen. But I’m thirty-eight, crying over a second year without my son. He’d be eighteen come February 13. And I haven’t washed his bed since he passed. The smell… um, no, that’s me. Breathe, Virgil And B

Thursday, February 2, 2023

Saga 216 ~Breathe, Virgil And B~

732 Days Without B III, Day 173 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I remember how you used to dance, wag your tail, and your footsteps. Little toesy-wosies…

Oh, how long did it take me to learn English after you left? Uh, you’d listen to me rant, B. But of course, I’d rather not today. Only you wouldn’t have me crying either, Braxton. Confession was earlier this morning, Wednesday, February 1, 2023. I am still afraid, B III. Cooking something to eat? You’ll be happy to know I have food left from the funeral. No, not yours. I’m sort of pissed about that. It’s tradition. Barbeque… Piggie Potato. Yesterday, I wanted both. Only since the place I got my first meal without you sucks at making a Piggie Potato… Well, a part of you says I’m thinking about myself. But no B III. Well, other than the fact I stink… I don’t know.

Not any people around here to make me nervous. I swear I should have had you registered as Emotional Support. As for Virgil… He’s still breathing. A low blow Braxton? Please, he’s only been here about six months. Call me in fifteen years, eleven months. Actually, call me sooner, Braxton. I won’t forget about you. But then, forgetting myself, B? How I wish I could B III. For real, I want to forget about that damn funeral and my funk. One more reason I’m going to go ahead and finish that food from the funeral. And I can hope that I don’t hear from your grandparents for a while. All that’s taking me away, B. That’s how I lost you, B. Holding my breath boy

Barely. Forgetting. And not wanting to breathe. Being around people B III. It’s like I don’t have the right to be alive. I want to be so small. But you are my world, a god, and even a titan. And on today of all days, I remember carrying you dying. The smell of my failure. All I need is the air that I breathe. And if that meant I could keep you alive without pain. If I had to carry you around to keep you with me, B. I wouldn’t mind at all. Not ever. Always and forever, that smell I couldn’t put my finger on, holding you. Those McDonald’s fries you loved. Braxton, you’re my reason to breathe… and smell. Breathe, Virgil And B

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 214 ~To B, Loved Again~

Ain’t no woman like the one I got… Blowing her off to spend time with my son. Braxton died today 2 years ago, at 15. He was 13 days shy of his birthday. To lose such a love… All the women in the world… I’m sorry. I want my boy back To B, Loved Again.

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Saga 214 ~To B, Loved Again~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now… No! Scratch That! Leave Me Alone! Not Today, Please! Fuck!

(walks to Braxton’s old/new room)

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Good day… Last time I ever said that to you was Saturday, January 30, 2021. I should have starved. I’m sorry… Geez! Bad choice of words. I wanted to apologize for yelling at your stepmom; ok. But today, Braxton Barks Bradford. What? Today is our day, your day, the day? I don’t know how to say it. Like the vet’s office? If I were a good man, a great daddy, I’d head up to Banfield today. I would ask to sit on that bench for but a few minutes. Waiting, knowing, and yet I was hoping to. I had to. “He’s My Son!” I wanted to yell at those ladies, the vets, the whole damn world!

And I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. How many times have I said that, Braxton? It never stops. Two years. Always and forever. Look at where I’m standing? What was it I read about Enshrinement? Braxton Barks Bradford… Whatever, you’ll always be here. Only how many apologies do I have? There’s Never Enough. I’m sorry about this week. What about the last week you were alive? I had so many plans for what today might be like, Braxton. I would have been better off joining you the day you died. Too damn easy. I’m sorry for talking to you today… It’s Sunday, January 29, 2023. You were dying. Braxton, that was on a Friday in 2021, but you know that. Triple B, I love you

Always and forever! B III, nothing turned out right, then or now. This second anniversary. Who knows? I could get lucky, and my “father” could kill me Monday. Funeral… Ironic. If I wanted to die, why not blow off your great-granddaddy’s funeral. Making money? To think I believed the old Day Job was my punishment, my damnation, and indifference. No, Braxton. Losing you and having to suffer with living relatives and what about, um… I ain’t mentioning him today. I want to sit on our loveseat and watch movies. Barbecue? Braxton, that was my first meal without you. That night, “I’ll never be loved again.” Braxton, you have to know, You Were Loved. You are loved. I once was. I am… To B, Loved Again

730 Days Without B III, Day 171 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 209 ~Death, B Not Virgil~

I didn’t sign up for this… stuff. But in 2021, on the 31st of this month, I signed the paperwork to end my son’s life. I swear he gave me a look that said, “Daddy, can we go home?” And now 2023, I got a call from “home.” Death… “Death, B Not Virgil.”

Thursday, January 26, 2023

Saga 209 ~Death, B Not Virgil~

725 Days Without B III, Day 166 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Well, I’m still breathing. So is Virgil. My “granddaddy,” your great-grandfather, not so much today.

I didn’t sign up for this shit. Being born, Braxton. I know you’ll hate me saying this, but it was the second worse day of this existence. If I had a choice B III to do it all over again… I didn’t sign up to be your daddy, either. I’m 38, and you were the greatest love of what I wish I could say is “my life.” It was the greatest honor to be your Dad, Braxton. I mean that B. I didn’t sign up to kill you… Well, no. There was actual paperwork involved in that, I remember. Sings out… “(Remember who you are) I remember (Remember what you did to him).” At this rate, I’ll have to do it again. Only Virgil’s 2.

You know he’s okay, Braxton. Starts singing again… “Lift me up. Hold me down. Keep me close. Safe and sound.” That’s Little Virgil, Rihanna, you know what I mean, Braxton. One more reason I wish you were around. Because I have no idea. Today’s thoughts… When I was leaving and listening to Virgil cry, I couldn’t help but think. Betrayal. Treachery. For the record, that’s the difference between you and him B. Looked it up. Betrayal is violating loyalty, love, and your very life. Treachery’s the same but without any loyalty. Anyway. As I listened to Virgil, I thought of you and said, “fucking ninth circle.” Then there was the text about your great-grandfather. Your grandma is who I’m worried about. And what about me?

The third thought of the day. As I was leaving the Day Job, I read this flyer saying something like, “It’s okay to talk about suicide.” Do you remember when your great-grandma died? It was the day your grandfather kicked me out. Hell! I deserved that, given my age. It was the longest we were apart, Triple B. It was around 2 months. Terrible! Braxton, there came your Aunt’s wedding, which was about 5 days as I went to see her, which wasn’t bad at all. And now here we are 725 days, almost 2 years. Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~. I couldn’t see how sick you were getting? How do I feel about my granddaddy? RIP. Virgil’s life? Death, B Not Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 202 ~Virgil, Don’t B Mad~

I’ve raised my voice at Virgil once… ok, twice. What he did on Braxton’s pillow, I tried to wash it and destroyed it. And sniffing Braxton’s bed. But Virgil’s not mad; he’s scared. Physically I’m sick, and my heart remains broken. Virgil, Don’t B Mad

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Saga 202 ~Virgil, Don’t B Mad~

718 Days Without B III, Day 159 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Even if you got food poisoning, you’d consider it your best day ever. But milkshakes…

2V can’t be mad at me today. Besides sharing a ton of fries with him, I’m sure he doesn’t have a stomachache right now. Not throwing up or crapping all over your room B III. About to get all TMI. Well, Jack’s is now one more place I can’t go anymore, considering how I’m feeling. But I can’t check the walking path, either. You remember all the walks you took until you got old and I was lazy. My zombie apocalypse buddy. Braxton, I swear I have plenty of reasons to be mad these days. A stomach bug. Way too many boobs, and missing you, my boy. More than ever. It’s making me a meanie regarding Virgil Vivi. I’m a crappy friend so far, B.

I’m sick and tired. Yes, plenty mad too. But Virgil is scared, if anything. It’s been about five months, and where is he? As I said, Braxton, your room lying on a pillow by himself. At least now I have an excuse. I don’t want him to see me like this, about to blow any minute. And I mean that in more ways than one. So gross, I know. I remember your good days and bad. If I thought of those more, I would focus on something other than your last ones, Braxton. And as far as Virgil is concerned… I suppose that’s one thing you two have in common, Triple B. Every day is your last and his first. And at best, I’m in the middle every given day.

But right now, I don’t know how I feel. Well, physically, I’m hopping out of bed. Fuck that milkshake! Or was it the chicken? The fries were on the chicken, but V’s good. I’m fucked. At least I’m too sick to be Humpin’ Around. So I can’t eat, I can’t hump, I’m just like you. How dare I compare this to your last days. Yet again, you see what I’m doing, don’t you, Little B? Anytime there’s pain, I have to dig into the greatest pain. Hurts Like Hell. As the song goes, “I loved and I loved and I lost you.” But I don’t love Virgil like you. When shall I? Not this month; the next, ever, I don’t know. Virgil, Don’t B Mad

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 195 ~B “Stairs” Down Virgil~

Virgil successfully climbed up the stairs today. And what was my accomplishment? I stepped up my porn viewing. I climbed up the stairs at the Day Job to avoid people. What would B III be proud of? B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Thursday, January 12, 2023

711 Days Without B III, Day 152 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I haven’t looked up in some time. Looked down? That our song Don’t Look Down?

I have yet to listen to one song on Spotify this year. I’m still trying to pick something to set the tone for the new year. Don’t Look Down, Just Look Up, and He Lives In You, to name a few. Staring down at the phone when we should be talking. You remember B III. Can’t say I have such memories with Virgil yet, but it’s been five months and some change, 152 days, to be precise. But you’ve seen everything. Kinda scares me when I’d go out of my way to keep something from you. What kind of Dad would I be, ha? I am trying with Virgil Vivi, honest. He could need you more than me right now, don’t you think, B III?

Yesterday was not one of my best days. And that was with getting off early. Yuck! Get your mind out of the gutter or wherever it was. The stuff that you would get into, Braxton. Yes, I’m reading yet another book about dead fur babies. “The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss.” Braxton Barks, you wish I’d keep my head out of such things. Memories. Like King Ezekiel would say, “and yet I smile.” It’s good to think about how you’d bury yourself in your aunt’s cleavage. Beats you being buried in another way. Fucking low. Speaking of which, yesterday. Remember I said I wished you didn’t see me like that… much too often. My Triple B seeing some Triple X exploits in Saimin Seishidou.

In this Mad Season…, yet another song for the playlist I’m building. Virgil needs you. Braxton, it’s not like I remember how you learned to navigate the stairs. One of the few things I can’t write about. But you learned, and that was a miracle. Your whole life was B. My little miracle, my son, my best friend. One of the few things I can claim in this world I continue to exist in. And I can only imagine you giving me one of your looks. You know, the ones that seemed to say. I hate this inflection, but “… is you crazy.” Yesterday yes. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. More like The Reika and Reina Kurashiki occurrence. So let’s say B “Stairs” Down Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

The first thing, the first someone that made me want to be a better man, ha, wasn’t some parent or teacher. A lovely girl with decent Yabbos made me clean the house. Or flash some cash. But a four-legged kid… I Tried, I try? To B New Virgil

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Saga 188 ~To B New Virgil~

704 Days Without B III, Day 145 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you having a good year, seeing as I’m from the past, the future… whatever

Time-Travel is way past my pay grade Braxton. And speaking of time, you know why I’m talking to you on Saturday, December 31, 2022. Today, this year, already fucking hell! There are better ways to start the year. Am I right? It’s my third cry of the day this morning. Braxton, by the time you read this, how many times will I have cried? And more tears are coming. Remind me that I need to see to it getting time off for Tuesday, January 31, 2023, and Feb 1. Ok, Triple B, I’m going to stop crying now. Then again, Virgil might be awfully confused by the change. “You’ll be like lil’ John Q and get a change of heart.” Do you think so, Braxton? Yep, still looking up music.

Ludacris? Both the man and ludicrous my existence. Both cruel and, as for now, necessary. Though I want to say, highly unnecessary. But again, Virgil is here. And how does he know me? Indeed do you know me at all? The day you went away… I wish I had too. The fact that I’m writing this at all (sigh). Unless, by some miracle, I’m not going to do something STUPID today. But again, Little B, I have thought about it. Anytime I open my eyes. Indeed the moment you took your last breath, I closed my eyes. Brand new me. Unfortunately for me. Anyway, this is a brand new year. “It’s a new world, it’s a new start.” Again with the music. Nothing new, B.

I can’t even guess what might be new because of how far I’m jumping. No, not like that, Triple B. If I am keeping my promise… that’s one of many reasons B III. You know, going crazy over Triple X or something like that. Once again, RAGE driving me bonkers. How about thinking that Virgil Vivi could be you somehow? I don’t even remember “Me Before You.” Or I just don’t want to. Hell! I’d give anything to be who I was… perhaps two weeks before you died. And every week I write, I’ll be the person you think, Braxton. Virgil would be better off. But then again, you might have lived. Yet how to see the man in the mirror? To B New Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 181 ~The Stranger’s Virgil, B~

Being a billionaire, as I claim most days, I’d build my own world in the house. Going to space involves too many people to deal with. But now I still have a stranger/fur baby in this house. So many strangers this week. “The Stranger’s Virgil, B”

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Saga 181 ~The Stranger’s Virgil, B~

697 Days Without B III, Day 138 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Are you still here? I only ever asked that once. The Saturday before you left.

I haven’t cried for you yet today. It’s still a little early. Though I did cry when the alarm went off. And currently, I’m watching “Waking Up at 4:00 AM Every Day Will Change Your Life…” You know me, B. That’s After watching some porn in the bathroom. V is sleeping now. The thing is, I would have no problem sending him back… to your room, B. There are plenty of days that I want to go all Whisperer and say, “You are where you don’t belong.” How many times have I said it, Braxton? It’s been 138 days, Braxton. Don’t they say it takes 90 for a fur baby to acclimate? With you, I’m not sure, but you were a puppy. A Jedi. Fearless

But that hasn’t been me these past few days. If Virgil ain’t you, then is he me? Sometime this week, I said I was Virgil. Hell! I’m scared to death of everything and everyone, B III. One more reason to cry. Between three different humiliations at the auto shop. Day Job. Oh yeah, Triple B, the Humiliations Galore continue there. And those are nonstop B III. There was my first UBER ride, which was a new experience. Excuse me, four humiliations. The ride back to the house. Although you were never one for driving around town. Inevitable the shame that will be coming to me soon. I have to go to the post office. And should I get the car rechecked? More like my brain

Then again, I had you for that. Only now, B, I can talk to you “Anytime.” You’re everywhere, yet I want you right back here next to me. I don’t mean to be a dick, but I don’t want this usurper lying here. I should have thought of that Saturday, August 13, 2022, right B? Only I thought I saw you. Somehow, someway, I was listening to you. Promise Braxton. He remains a stranger to me, even after all this time. And I’m still being a meanie. Do you think? For example, yesterday I went to that hot dog shop. A pepper dog, onion rings. I didn’t feel like sharing with Virgil. After a late lunch, Virgil and I didn’t speak. The Stranger’s Virgil, B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 174 ~They’ll B Presents, Virgil~

I’ll have to head to the grocery store because my favorite Chinese place closed down, and it was the only place open on Christmas. But still, B and I would have a pancake breakfast. And he got a present though he’s gone. They’ll B Presents, Virgil

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Saga 174 ~They’ll B Presents, Virgil~

690 Days Without B III, Day 131 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Yesterday I had to apologize to Virgil for asking you. As for my days, Braxton…

Well, I hate to lie? I didn’t lie to you “In The End,” which is why you ain’t here, Braxton. You never asked for a gift, but if I could get you anything… I’d never mention you leaving me ever again? Like I said, B, I don’t like to lie. Another reason masturbation sucks TMI. It leaves my mind way too clear when I’m not thinking about brunette bazongas. Bucks! All I want for Christmas, Braxton, besides my best friend back. You didn’t show up for the last one, B III. Do I need to cry now? Well, the answer is yes. “Love And Happiness?” No, that would be me being selfish? But Virgil could use some comfort and joy, a dog toy? Uh, money…

And you don’t know how hard it is not to look. A distraction to not talk to you today, B. I’m trying to figure out how many fries I can buy with the slave wage from the Day Job this week. You would figure as long as we’re together, Braxton. But fast food doesn’t hurt? That’s what I was talking to Inspector E about yesterday. Being present and, um, present. Virgil is upstairs because I couldn’t stand being in bed a moment longer… That’s funny. Anyway, I need to go to the store and get laundry detergent. Oh yeah, sustenance… Breakfast is one of our Christmas traditions, isn’t it B? Did I do it last year? This is the second Christmas without you, my friend.

Hell! I even bought you a present last year; I know that. One more thing to add to the list. I’d tell you how much money I had to spend but if M Anime keeps up with our chats… Yeah, I know you had your heart set on your Aunt Carolina. I ask that you go and check up on her and say hi to the fur babies she has also lost. Don’t give her man any static, please. I’m sure there’s plenty of room on her bazongas. I promise not to purchase bazongas. How many promises have I broken this week? Have you kept Virgil Vivi company, B? Pancake? Yes, there will be pancakes or maybe waffles on Christmas? Gifts? They’ll B Presents, Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 167 ~Virgil, B Not Proud~

I on what my grandma said about “my pride.” What do I know about that? If anything, I am proud of my son. Eff my pride to keep him safe… What’s ironic is losing pride in existence, about everything, Day Job, etc. Got him killed. “Virgil, B Not Proud”

Thursday, December 15, 2022

Saga 167 ~Virgil, B Not Proud~

683 Days Without B III, Day 124 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? With how I feel right now… And on the understanding “He Lives In You.” You

Well, I feel like shit. And so I’m sorry, B. Yesterday and today haven’t been my proudest moments. As if I have many of those to talk about. I did finish reading another book, B. That’s if you need me to be proud of something. Today though, I’m pretty disgusted. Here I am, gorging on tacos, and I don’t do soft tacos well. You’d usually cuddle me, B III, especially if I were only sick of the Day Job and my Humiliations Galore in that place. As if you need to be reminded of my hate for the place that garnered my indifference towards you. Besides my cowardice and lack of balls. I’d spilled them over… not Reagan Kathryn, Cherry, or Mandy Rose… Jennifer Lawrence

A solid week down the drain and probably TMI for you, Triple B. You remember getting all X-rated with your toys and over your Aunt’s Boobs. Our conversation before, Braxton. I’m sure Virgil wishes I would get his name right. Or maybe he doesn’t even care anymore. As I was leaving today, there was no barking or crying. He went face-first into your food dish. While I was sharing nacho fries with him, he nearly took some fingers. I should be training him. But, of course, he’s hiding out in your room. There’s no gate and no lock. Virgil’s free to come out and play, but he doesn’t. I can’t blame him. And yeah, I’m not going there to get him, either. Just In Case

What! I want to jerk off again… I swear, sometimes I “prayed” you’d do something so that I could lock you in your room for a while. B, when you look at me now from wherever… You’re in a book that I’m doing absolutely nothing with. I meant to take a nap this afternoon, but there was a fear I had to contend with. Oh, there were more books to buy B. All the money in the world for titles, titties, and Times Like These makes me disgusting. Only you never looked at me like that, B III. And 2V doesn’t look at me at all. Not really. Then again, he’s not my son, and I for sure ain’t his Dad. But am I trying, Braxton? Virgil, B Not Proud

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 160 ~ Virgil’s Fights To B~

I’m not the fighter I once was. I’m sort of Tris lazy (Succubus Lord). And I’m not giving Virgil anymore of Braxton’s things. The blue dog plushie might freak him out. You can’t teach anyone to be happy, but for the wars to come… Virgil’s Fights To B

Thursday, December 8, 2022

Saga 160 ~ Virgil’s Fights To B~

676 Days Without B III, Day 117 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Not if you’re looking down at your old Dad. Or up… I’m going to Hell.

Not saying I expect to see you there. And look at me; there I go crying again. Or is it that; I’m playing “Don’t Look Down” as I speak to you today? Time-Travel. Again, B III, how is my day going? Aw Hell! This whole damn week. Endure and Survive as always. What about fight? You know what I rather do. But you see, there’s 2V for sure. One more sign that he ain’t you is that I had to move the pillow beside me today. I remember how you sat under the table in perfect peace. That is unless someone was dumb enough to come knocking at the door. One of our many fights. But you were protecting me always. “Danger is very real.”

Virgil Vivi, on the other hand. Um, that’s one way he and I are alike. A need to find balls. I’m afraid it’s much too late for him. And you gave me fifteen years to find my courage, Triple B. To Live Brave. But then I look at these little scuffles I’ve been winning lately. Yeah, I nearly cleaned out all my emails about this, that, or the other. I’m keeping up with my reading because what’s so hard about some girl getting banged on Christmas. I haven’t been taking noon naps, but my dreams have been all sorts of weird. When I’m awake, there’s revulsion, rage, and realization. The comedian may be dead, but I am a coward. Sorry, my son. I’m always sorry.

One more thing I can chalk up to you. I don’t know how to be without you after 676 days. And I don’t know how to give Virgil Vivi courage I don’t have, and he hasn’t found in 117 days. What Would Braxton Do? What would you do? I saw this video saying, “bite first.” Unless I’m holding a French Fry, Virgil doesn’t. Now, what’s my excuse if not cowardice? Exhaustion? I did say I’m not taking naps. But anger in itself is a tiring enterprise. But fear? The things that keep us going. So what should I teach Virgil? We don’t do happiness. Never did in this household. But I hope you were happy somehow, someway. “Only I got enemies.” Virgil’s Fights To B

Always and Forever,
Your Dad