Tag: Sadness

Tale 088 ~On B…eing Back, Virgil~

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Nothing on my back, holding me back, or pushing me back. If I moved forward on everything like I did… ending B III’s suffering. Hell! I should be on my back for that instead of sitting on my ass. A zombie trying to get back. “On B…eing Back, Virgil.”

Wednesday, September 27, 2023

Tale 088 ~On B…eing Back, Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… and “I’m never going back again.” To being broke, Inspector. Depends on how you define broke.

I would have paid anything. Hell! I would have gone full-on John Q to save my son’s life, Inspector. Virgil is lucky if I consider buying him a new, comfy spot. I’m broke. Considering it’s Saturday, September 23, 2023, I will be soon. But the Day Job hours… I’ve never blamed anyone for Braxton’s death… besides myself and the Day Job taking me away. I never came back, you know. My Braxton is love, and the Day Job left me nothing but RAGE. And so I would come back exhausted. But not really. In thinking I was protecting my son, I would get stuck in a place known as indifference, dear Echo. And I have yet to come back from Braxton’s Euthanasia. I’m Still Standing

By the time you read this, it will have been 969 days. I could have spent every single one in bed. There were times Triple B was watching me trying to… Well, pills were taken. Only I survived. And if it wasn’t my Depression, it was laziness; nothing new, Inspector. Except the pain got worse. A broken heart, a befuddled mind. And my behind Inspector. Honest to God, that’s how long I’ve been sitting here, Inspector. I lament that one way or another, I will have to break my back, and for what? With B III, it made sense. And yes, Virgil is still here. But I need bug repellent, light bulbs, and new pants. I could go, Inspector. But I don’t want to ever.

Family? You want an honest confession. How long have I been here? My thirties, Inspector. And when was the last time I had RELATIONS? I had the maid in bed once. But that wasn’t the question, and she and I never. Braxton wouldn’t have minded if it had been his aunt. My honorary sister, mind you. But Braxton loves her, and I was shallow Inspector Echo. So I haven’t had RELATIONS in years, for all intents and purposes. There are life goals. Even now, I want to own an adult business, you know. Lying here, Inspector, always. Please! That would require getting off my back. So I can see women on theirs. Inspector, Am I Wrong? Zombie returning to the living? On B…eing Back, Virgil

969 Days Without B III, Day 410 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 082 ~Virgil, Let’s Breakout, Braxton~

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I haven’t seen a Math class in years, but still hate it. And reading… That’s how bad it is. I read novels in Math. But if I read one more day, my record with B III on September 16, 2020, is broken. Broken already, but… Virgil, Let’s Breakout, Braxton

Thursday, September 21, 2023

Tale 082 ~Virgil, Let’s Breakout, Braxton~

963 Days Without B III, Day 404 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You could be anywhere right now. Better than here? Daddy’s in the Special Hell. Still?

What? You rather I be mad than sad? And yes, B III, I have already cried over you once. It was for the stupidest reason. But I was mad as Hell when Virgil came close to vomiting all over the phone a few weeks ago. Only he was sick. And when you were the same, Braxton? I could be all sorts of mad at you now. You know me and my fondness for list B III. Braxton, today is Wednesday, September 20, 2023. But by the time you read this, it will have been 964 Days that I’ve had a broken heart. Even now, I want to yell at you, ha-ha. What about the bed I continue sitting in that’s collapsing? Depression and Humiliations galore.

Cherry would not be pleased about what amounts to a character study. And neither would an ex-beauty queen that did… certain movies. And what about writing my books, like I always promised? Because the last thing I want to do to today B is more reading. That’s what brings me here today. As you can see, my record for “Days in a row” on Wednesday is 525, soon to be 526. And there lies the problem. Thursday will be 527 Days. Braxton… I’m breaking “my” record. And in so doing, a part of you… is disappearing. It’s like a Mario Kart Time Trial, your ghost. Virgil’s been here 404 Days, Braxton. Breaking a record like this doesn’t mean much in the big scheme of things.

Hell! Braxton, when you died, I didn’t do anything… let’s say sinful for 161 Days. Counting today, I’m not even close to breaking that record at 54. Another reason I’m trying to talk to you instead of looking up Yabbos. But I did speak to your Aunt Carolina yesterday. Nothing can be that paradise, I would think. Although that would explain why you’re not breaking out of Heaven, Hell, or testing the Rainbow Bridge… I’m sure Virgil could use a break from my existing. He’s not so desperate today… Tomorrow? Triple B, you are your father’s son. You wanted to stay always and forever -trying to save me from breaking down in a broken world. I made “my” bed, this Hell. Virgil, Let’s Breakout, Braxton

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 081 ~B’s In Art Virgil~

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“The metal is ready for the Maker’s hand.” I am not an artist. I cannot make another Braxton. I’m not helping to make babies. And what about books? Between the tags I’m writing, titles for blog posts, and Titanic… um, never mind. “B’s In Art Virgil.”

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

Tale 081 ~B’s In Art Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… so I’ll commission someone to paint “Backwards Beauty” for real. What do I know about art?

Well, I’m thirty-nine. Wow! Inspector, it hurts about as much as saying Braxton is dead. I go back and forth. But I know that the death of my son is worse. Right behind that is being born. And falling in third, for now… anything to do with my Enormous… umm… Anyway, so art? As I told Dear Future Wife, Braxton is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I may not be a smart man… Go on! But after you see someone like that. Hell! I can’t blame him for not getting back into writing. I wrote three or four books after his death/murder. No wonder I got the damaged or maybe fragile Virgil. I can’t be responsible for destroying anything so beautiful again.

And then bring on The Pic Phenomenon. Did I mention I’m not writing much, Inspector? That’s even when I have “inspiration” for a leading lady. I told one of the girls that these unsavory types don’t want “my” money. I’m not STUPID enough to give them a credit card. But they do allow me to create two pictures a day. Wins and losses, Inspector Echo.

A particular girl would be upset, but I’ve done worse. I was up late last night for several reasons. Not only this one. I was doing business with some more people. And even after buying the product, I haven’t used any of it. You see why I “steal adult entertainment.” Hell! My son’s dead. The freeloader’s here. But yes, Yabbos.

If there is a God… Yeah, the last time I tried talking to him, her, or it, Braxton lay dying. The point is such a force put more thought into Yabbos than my existence. Future? Sacrifice! Most noble if I have anything to say about it. To be made in such an image? “If there’s a God up there. Somethin’ above.” Is he paying Lucifer for temptation or what, huh? I wouldn’t be surprised. But I know what I’d pick if God came down, breast in one hand, Braxton in the other. “Now, with these hands, with these hands,” Inspector. Generating tags every day, what do I ask for? I can’t paint; there’s no prose. And to pet Braxton again… Beautiful, B’s In Art Virgil.

962 Days Without B III, Day 403 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 075 ~Virgil Pretends To B~

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If I can “see” ghosts, maybe V can too. Anytime I have to go out and pretend to be a good person, it sounds like a haunted house as I close the door. So besides writing, sleeping, or gazing at yabbos, I pretend it will be better. Virgil Pretends To B

Thursday, September 14, 2023

Tale 075 ~Virgil Pretends To B~

956 Days Without B III, Day 397 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? More to the point. Are you happy? I read up on The Rainbow Bridge, sometimes.

It’s supposed to be a happy place. And more than anything, B, I want you to be a happy puppy. Hell! You were fifteen when you left, and I still considered you my little puppy. You’d be eighteen now. Even after your “passing,” I still call you for “medicine time.” How’s that for ACCEPTANCE? Your Dad could use some type of medication, I guess, B. Is it the fact that I’m calling out to the dead? Well, only you. But yeah, I have that book on vampires. It could be all the bugs biting as I clean up your yard like you would be proud. It’s all “The Land of Make Believe,” Braxton. But Hell is far too real. Which is why I’m writing today.

Yeah, your Daddy is time-traveling, but only a day. It’s Wednesday, September 13, 2023. And before I get started on why I’m talking to you so late. It’s around 4:30 p.m., and I’m in bed. Of course, sigh. V’s laying here pretending being here’s his “Welcome to the good life.” Like father, like freeloader. I swear, Braxton, one day I’ll stop calling him that. Lying? Daddy was never one for acting but, strangely enough, for ACCEPTANCE. Now, after E-Day, with me being another year older. I swear thirty-nine sucks. Thirty-eight, thirty-seven, thirty-six. Thirty-six was an awful year. Oh! I should have died at “Seventeen,” Braxton. But I keep pretending, don’t I? That bullying lie of It Gets Better. It doesn’t. Nothing stops. Nothing. Well, you…

Only I keep going like I was today. Do I want to talk about the Day Job now or yesterday? What about what I did after? All the time in the world, and besides eating and sleeping, what did I do with it? I was like you when your Aunt Carolina came through —buried in Yabbos. Only for me, it was Cherry’s. As if I could recreate that beauty like something out of “The Truman Show.” And speaking of big racks, there was also Momokun. After a couple of downloads, um… Your Dad is not a good man. And I don’t do well at acting. Well, “When we pretend that we’re dead,” you have me beat. Teach Virgil to be happy. Virgil Pretends To B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 074 ~Don’t B Jealous, Virgil~

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Jealous? I can be far worse and, dare I say, greater. Can I ever be happy? I can’t tell you the last time I was. But I’m sure it was on some E-Day. And now that the thirty-ninth has passed… Geez, B III, how did you do fifteen? Don’t B Jealous, Virgil

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

Tale 074 ~Don’t B Jealous, Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m sure that involves all my sins. Treachery, Lust, Sloth, Wrath, Greed, Envy, Pride… More?

I still don’t see myself as a prideful person. My grandma told me I was. Considering how much I despise E-Day, I was “proud” to have a tray of cupcakes for myself. I did share… eventually. I talk to you and the rest of the girls. And for some inane reason. I think that someone is reading. There’s also the fact that if I dropped dead right now (fingers crossed). I want to believe that someone would care that wasn’t furry with four legs. Please!

Braxton was jealous that I began putting all my sins above him. Wanting the world to feel my wrath gave way to my Treachery. My betrayal of my firstborn son. And Virgil has every right to be jealous of Braxton.

But what do I know about fur babies, as I failed Braxton? And even if I were right, it’s not Virgil’s envy that’s in question but my own. All last night, it was, “Hey Jealousy.”

Why am I so into audiobooks? And, of course, the Day Job started forbidding earbuds. Can I give them the cupcakes back? Honest to God, I seek not happiness but the strength to endure. A moment in my existence, I don’t court death itself, Inspector.

Only it’s happiness that brings me to you, OK? Yep time-travel Sunday, September 10, 2023. Last night, I saw that Samantha and TBR Schmitt welcomed their daughter to the world. It was Madison’s birthday from MAC React. And isn’t she expecting a baby too? Wow!

Me and other people’s happiness. I should be ashamed, as I’ve been asking every day this month as I turned thirty-nine. What have you done? Not a damn thing, Inspector. And as the critic asked today… really. What is E-day? Emergence, Existence, Extinction? But let me try again. E-day is the day I was born. Inspector, nothing happy about it.

No girls are jealous, considering most are animated. I am bouncing back and forth between Koumi-jima Shuu 7 de Umeru Mesu-tachi and Himawari wa Yoru ni Saku. But if you want real, @bunnie_wifey vs. Momokun. Lust is right up there.

But jealous? That Braxton found death first, without me. “Drunk all and left no drop to help me after.” Being me. Don’t B Jealous, Virgil.

955 Days Without B III, Day 396 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 068 ~Mourning Braxton, Virgil, E-Day~

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Welcome to Level 39! Welcome to E-Day. It’s still the 6th, and the day is a waste. 14244 days of worthlessness. There were 15 years with the greatest guy ever. My son. And 39 years of living in terror of a few people… Mourning Braxton, Virgil, E-Day.

Thursday, September 7, 2023

Tale 068 ~Mourning Braxton, Virgil, E-Day~

949 Days Without B III, Day 390 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Welcome to Level 39. I think I’m going to be sick. Dead? Just Survive Somehow.

In the next few minutes… I could be joining you. I’m time-traveling as today is Wednesday, September 6, 2023; current time is 2:48 PM. Your granddaddy said he’ll be here at 3:00. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat, Braxton. How many more, hmm? The person I am right this second will change between his arrival and departure, Braxton. I said the same thing about you on many different occasions. But the one I’m thinking about right this second… I didn’t burst into tears at the Day Job for nothing. I needed the pain of losing you to negate the pain of losing myself. The Horror, the Horror awaits. We’re T-Minus 5 minutes. I thought midnight would be the worst, but your Gramps.

But let’s say I survive this moment. Braxton, he’s 3 minutes away, running late, whatever.

Yeah, whatever. This afternoon, I’m going to hop in the shower… I remember you hated me doing that. We are creatures of routine. And an evening shower meant… the movies. As in, I’m leaving you. There were your Aunt’s mammaries, which you loved so much. There was that time with the maid, Special K. Or there was more work from the Day Job. Must I make a big deal out of everything, even a shower? Braxton, please help me! Anyway, tomorrow, I won’t set any alarms. I’ll wake up when I’m good and ready. Braxton, should I order something for breakfast and lunch? Take care of Virgil, of course, duh!

Another thing for this afternoon. I should take care of all my criminality. Just saying. Don’t I always say I don’t have time to work on your albums? But somehow, I’ll find the time to work on some… anyway, The Pic Phenomenon. I’d never do that when you were around. And VV? He runs on fear and Adrenaline like me. Like father, like freeloader, ha. Stop! I hear ya, B III, I do. I wish I could stop this fear right now. And today, Braxton. Today, there’s a good night’s sleep, some good food, and Simoleons in my pocket, funny. It’s now 3:29. Your Gramps isn’t here yet. E-Day is coming for me. My E-Day wish is… that we are together. Mourning Braxton, Virgil, E-Day

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 067 ~Bye Braxton, Buy Virgil~

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I was pretty young, buying my first Fleshlight, a camera, and… well, I must have been. Now, I’d have to have express delivery for anything I want for E-Day. Not like Heaven… or Hell delivers. The Olds have bad news. V’s quiet. Bye Braxton, Buy Virgil

Wednesday, September 6, 2023

Tale 067 ~Bye Braxton, Buy Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or should I call myself a thief? Inspector, I’m far worse. A liar, a manipulator… murderer?

“Why can’t I just be normal?” Can’t I play Far Cry 5 or watch a movie as E-Day approaches? Um? I could buy a PS5. I didn’t say that? And even if I were for real, I wouldn’t make time to play it. I’m not even watching “Home Security Guard 2” after downloading it. Inspector, it’s still Sunday, September 3, 2023. I’m still “Turning Japanese,” I really think so. But we’ll get to that. I keep saying that, Inspector, and there’s Emergence Day. God, I wish I could say more about this existence. And you know what I want more than Braxton back. Extinction? But no, Inspector, I’m sitting here napping, procrastinating, etc. At least Virgil’s still alive and well. I paid for Braxton’s… Euthanasia.

But let’s talk about what I’ve been buying on the second worst day existing, Inspector. As I’ve said, I’ve been looking at what the critic likes and dislikes: languages sometimes. Anyway, I don’t know who I’m paying. Russians, Japanese, the greedy Republicans with their “kinks.” Either way, I’m not a good person. Hell! I’m even keeping my pants on, ha. There’s this place right here. I’m sitting in bed, not working on escaping the Day Job. But I want to talk. And I want the critic to say whatever about my speech, even with corrections. And I mentioned something about some nasty chicken I bought, but it wasn’t Pizza Hut. I don’t expect Braxton’s Aunt to buy me a pizza for E-Day again. Good girl.

I don’t want to think about what I will buy on E-Day. When Braxton was here, there was always food and even cake. There could be a full night’s sleep, Inspector. Though being the greedy so-and-so I am, I always want more. Emergence, Existence, Extinction, uh? Anytime would be good to join my boy. And with what the Olds might say about their son at thirty-nine that has done absolutely nothing with the existence they permitted… Inspector, I am afraid. That’s something else I can’t get for E-Day. Love and happiness, peace of mind, Echo. There’s also the idea of a piece of… again, the critic, censorship, and cowardice. Inspector, I can’t say goodbye or buy my way out of this. Time remains priceless, Inspector.

948 Days Without B III, Day 389 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 061 ~To B Remembered Virgil~

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My first “Happy…” NOPE! That word is not in the vocabulary, but good works well enough. E-Day is nothing but nightmares. But when Braxton was here… Hell! The third E-Day without him is coming up. Not that Virgil says anything. To B Remembered Virgil…

Thursday, August 31, 2023

Tale 061 ~To B Remembered Virgil~

942 Days Without B III, Day 383 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Well, we’re talking on Sunday, August 27, 2023. So you know about my Thursday. Sigh

I don’t think I’ve “worked” this hard… Well, since that week, I found out you were dying. I swear I’ve talked to the Man in the Mirror, Dear Future Wife, Inspector Echo. Last again, B III? To my everlasting shame. But this week and the next… You know what’s coming? E-Day! I wish we could talk about the fence you guarded. Yeah, it’s been bothering me. Even now, I think I should put some more nails into it. Virgil’s been sniffing around. A way out, B? If only I had worked on all my other writing the way I’ve been working to endure the next couple of weeks. Your grandparents haven’t called or texted. Your aunt neither. Inevitable, I know. So, a question. Any room up there where you are.

The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven or Hell? You were/are a good boy, B. You remember that. Always and forever. But your Daddy isn’t getting into Heaven. And where I am now. Hot as it is, like one of the hoodies I wear, I miss your fur. What about sharing with you? Again, there’s E-Day —Emergence, Existence, Extinction. You didn’t bother remembering. Thank you. It’s the reason I miss your Aunt Carolina. Braxton, say hello sometime, please. Emerging from my bed as you stepped on my head was worth me trying, whatever. Existing, now I did that with you and your aunt or when I needed to protect you B III ha. Extinction, this week, next, I’m damn near forty but no only thirty-nine. Remember it, B.

As “I will remember you.” Listen to me about to sing some Sarah McLachlan, Braxton. Daddy can remember everyone else’s words but mine? There are memories and manuscripts, and do I go with mammaries or money? Movie nights? But you were such an old man when you met your Aunt Carolina. You met her on E-Day, remember that Little B? And she was here for a couple of mine and even one of your birthdays. Today is the first time I’ve remembered anything from that terrible day. It won’t last. But all my crying B. Remembering how I was born and how you died. And then there’s Virgil. A little Receiver of Memory if I spoke to him more often. If, To B Remembered Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 060 ~E-Day Fools Virgil, B~

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I meant to explain what E-Day is? Hell! I can’t explain why I get out of bed in the morning. I’d like to say for fifteen years, it was because Braxton needed me to. Or my Olds said so. There’s Virgil. He’s still alive, I exist. E-Day Fools Virgil, B.

Wednesday, August 30, 2023

Tale 060 ~E-Day Fools Virgil, B~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means I don’t have to EVOLVE. Republicans haven’t. And you know what B stands for…

Emergence? Wait, that doesn’t start with a B. But instead of talking about Braxton’s death. Let me be a selfish “person” since it’s my day. Well, counting today, it will be in T-minus 9 days. Then again, I’m time-traveling. And I’ve already screwed up with my critic on being clear, concise, and making my case. The comedian is dead. I should be, but here goes…

What is E-Day? Again, let us begin with Emergence and why I won’t vote Republican. With women, I’m Pro-Choice. Let women do whatever they want. But with my Ma… sigh. Come E-Day, she should have done some thinking. And that’s an insult, I know, Inspector. Both me and my younger sister were C-sections. She wanted us here alive and well.

Existence for me, though… If I had my way… I would not recommend it. Like ever. I try my hardest not to say words like life or live. That is not what this is, Inspector. Questions such as What is my favorite movie, set of mammaries, type of music, etc., Echo. I couldn’t tell you any of it. But right above that line, “Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin'” from The Band Perry. There’s “Feeling super, super (super!) suicidal” from Marina and The Diamonds, Teen Idle. And God, I know Inspector, turning thirty-nine. And what have I done? Or rather, why have I done nothing but exist, Inspector? My greatest accomplishment was my son Braxton. I thought I was being selfish today. Right?

Extinction though? Erasure, euthanasia… Hell! Evil! My boy should be here. And how dare I even think that he was the lucky one. I don’t disrespect my Ma, Little B, and how about myself. Uh. I disrespect myself all the time. But I don’t get off light Echo, not ever. I’m not a man of faith, but as the song goes, “Everybody wanna go to heaven. But nobody wants to die.” I want to Inspector. But this is Hell, and I am right where I belong. Only I cry out, “What’s my crime!” Which is worse? I was around seven or eight, asking, “What the Hell is going on?” Or killing my best friend at thirty-six?” Doesn’t matter; I’m still breathing. E-Day Fools Virgil, B

941 Days Without B III, Day 382 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 054 ~B Thankful For Virgil~

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The motivations I listened to spoke on Gratitude. I’m grateful for the meditations that help me breathe. It’s getting harder to do by the day. But my boys need me…Did I really say that? Believe it? B III was here once, and V. “B Thankful For Virgil.”

Thursday, August 24, 2023

Tale 054 ~B Thankful For Virgil~

935 Days Without B III, Day 376 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Hell! Today is Sunday, August 20, 2023, Time Travel. And today’s already to be ruined.

Do I blame you for not being here anymore? Nope. I still blame “me, myself, and I” for that. But I am thankful you were here once upon a time. Start with Gratitude, right? Little B, I’ll be grateful if your grandparents haven’t called today. We’re getting even closer, B. I mean not you and I because I can’t hear you. I’m trying, but I’m not waiting around either. No! I’m much too busy hitting the buttons and accomplishing nothing. So, why did I get these ideas of Gratitude? As I sit here in bed today. You’d be locked up. Yeah, that lets you know exactly what I was doing. And you thought my baby talk was crazy. With you, I had a voice B.

I’m thankful I heard it once. And that I didn’t sound crazy. Okay, yeah, it was plenty of madness. But at least I wasn’t talking to myself. Virgil’s here, but we never speak at all. He doesn’t know me, and as the song goes, “I think I’m turning Japanese.” Successful? Only at wasting my time with that sort of thing. What? You had a thing for your Aunt’s Yabbos, if I recall. I’m grateful I had… have a friend like her. But I haven’t heard from her in a while. Have you gone to check on her? You both know my feelings on E-Day: Emergence, Existence, and Extinction. To you, it was more fries and maybe a bit of steak. Grateful I’m eating anything now.

But I feel so good right now because I haven’t thought about it in a bit B. Not thinking… I haven’t thought about the fence being broken. It’s holding up well. And the yard? Humiliations Galore! Instead, I’m trying to avoid that, so it’s pretty short. And Virgil? Sometimes I wonder if you send him. I haven’t thought for a while he’s reincarnated. There are more reasons to shout praises. so that I’m not disappointed saying, “B wouldn’t do that.” But your grandparents… Hell! What about today, as in your Thursday? This is the worst day —at least, day job-wise. You know. As long as Virgil isn’t crying Wednesday and I ignore him, then… Am I thinking of joining you? Gratitude. B Thankful For Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad