All from a thirty-minute trip. I can remember days when I feared no evil. I remember days when fear, anger, and evil were everything. My son and I fighting my father. B’s loss. A fast food trip. And yet I smile. B Emotional Virgil, Indifference…
Wednesday, January 15, 2025
Meditation 198 ~B Emotional Virgil, Indifference…~
Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… But on Tuesday, January 14, 2025, this afternoon, I rather talk about emotions. Being afraid, angry, and indifferent.
And my GRATITUDE for it… What do you expect, Echo? You want my positivity now.
All it takes is a thirty-minute trip to the gas station, McDonald’s, and “home” again.
Inspector, that’s why I’m afraid. Really! What is it that I tell Braxton? From Spontaneous:
“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)
There I was driving, and the fear, sadness, and anxiety overflowed like my orange soda. And it is not ok to “live” like this. I swear sitting here one more day in bed. Being scared. And when I leave this room… It’s no good for V, either. But we sit together, exhausted by our fears, or is it the fast food. And what would Virgil know about any females, Inspector?
And like a great king said… And yet, I smile.
Even through the anger… That’s what comes next, Inspector. At both man and machine. Monsters, both real and imaginary. Both mostly at myself. My dear E, I’m “Just A Man.”
Please, if only. And for the record, I’m not worthy of this song or “Like A Prayer. All the awesome things Braxton sends my way. And who am I? Not the brave man beside him. I’m frozen in fear and must summon up the blood, rage, and darkness that becomes the blaze to get myself moving. The fire under my feet, a step closer on the Highway To Hell. Run Boy Run. B and my “unofficial” theme song. To or from battle? I don’t know.
Inspector, does it even matter anymore? And yet, I smile.
Because I feel something. And that, above all, beats Indifference. It wasn’t fear or anger…
Ok, so maybe there was some anger. But I’ve admitted I wanted to protect Braxton, Inspector. My anger was never about him. So I tried to feel nothing, which cost me my son, B III.
But when I’m sitting in the middle of the road, Inspector Echo, having a breakdown…
And why? I can’t tell you. But I had to let it go and become the Dad I was before I knew my son was dying. The damned man I am and was come four years ago. A dead man.
And yet, I smile, Inspector. I have GRATITUDE. I can try and save Virgil. Tell him, B Emotional Virgil, Indifference…
1445 Days Without B III, Day 886 of Virgil’s Arrival
B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will