Gospel 048 ~Will Needs His Space~

I get pretty tongue-tied when I talk to women, and then I go ahead and write something like this… It’s a reason I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, and people call me a headcase. Will Needs His Space.

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Gospel 048 ~Will Needs His Space~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so how can I be mad? Well, I know quite a few Republicans that hate so much more. Only I don’t want to speak about hate because I love you. Talk about Doublethink, I tell you all the time you take my breath away. Sometimes it’s like I’ll overflow with everything about you. Today though, it was like being in love with the stars, how high can I go. It was like loving a grave. Make no mistake, I would die for you. I was reminded of that poem Suicide’s Note.

“The calm,
Cool face of the river
Asked me for a kiss.” –

Langston Hughes

You’re not “Equipped” to be loved this much. Well, you did marry me, after all. Now you know I come out of nowhere with my music, but today I want to share my favorite song with you, one anyway. It’s called Moondust (Stripped; EP Version) by Jamyes Young. He sings about burying his love, and for some reason, this stands out to me. It’s not only because of my novel. I named “The Business,” “The Moondust.” I’ve been thinking about how many friends I’ve lost and how I’m always afraid that someday you’ll leave. One wrong word, and it’ll be like something out of the movie “Pontypool.” You say I’m a hard man to know, and I want to be so close but not today. Hell all the movies, music, my manuscript, to tell you the truth. Okay then, I’m mad as Hell, My Love.

That’s what I’m burying, this rage that I feel at so many that I know it would send you running. As the song goes, I bury my love to give the world to you. I won’t have you rob me of my hate, but I can’t give it to you.

I bury my tears everywhere else but not where you can see them. A man ain’t supposed to cry; yeah, another song. I need to lie down, though, and I don’t know if you or my firstborn could help me.


I bury myself in my work… no, not like that. Let me work harder or, as people say, all work and no play. I need some awesome video game carnage, and does that make me sound like a kid again.

Now that’s what I won’t do? I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. I keep burying the man I am, and for what? I love you.

Only Will Needs His Space.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 045 ~Big Willie Style, NOT~

No, I’m not getting jiggy with it, but how I wish. It’s ten at night already, and I haven’t been getting to bed until after two in the morning, and I know why. One of these days, the answer will be zombies, and I’ll be living. “Big Willie Style, NOT”

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Gospel 045 ~Big Willie Style, NOT~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and Will Smith isn’t? Now how would I accomplish this, seeing as how I couldn’t climb out of bed today? I know I say that a lot Lady Luna but I did go and get a couple of Honey Chicken Biscuits this morning. Yeah, making up for last week. Are they good enough but not my writing? I ask you? Is everything better than anything I can do? So what’s with the depression and the questions? One head has been busier than the other since Monday.

I have these phases when I get heavy into NO FAP, and now I know why. Excuse my language Lady Lu, this is more for Inspector Echo, but I am FUCKING Mad. Tuesday morning, I was at the Day Job listening to sad songs that turned into rap. I’m an African-American man, but that doesn’t mean I know anything about rap, but most of what I chose was angry. Now, if that’s not enough to scare “white” people, I’ve also been reading. No, not, The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them. Yesterday it put me to sleep. Instead, I’ve been looking over The Screwfly Solution. Let me guess, now I sound like one of those women-hating Incels, right? Hell Lady Lu, I’m not mad at anyone but me. This brings me back to the point; I’m only punishing myself again.

Instead of working like Will Smith, I’m doing me, which means sleeping. I won’t finish our conversation until later on tonight. No disrespect to people who have other addictions, but it’s like rehab. There’s nothing inside and what’s outside isn’t right. Speaking of outside, this is still the plague era. Porn is like a vaccine, you’re infected, and at the same time, you’re fighting the onslaught. If you knew how many times I’ve searched for Tifa Lockhart in the past few minutes. When I’m outside though, SIGH. THEY say the problem is men don’t look at women as people. Nowadays, I look at them as monsters. People have always been zombies to me, now I’m only running faster. Why can’t you just be normal? People cry over and over again.

When has anyone saw me as such and what they do see me as well, they “Make Me Wanna Die.”

They’re disappointed, Will Smith, W. Anton; Big Willie Style, NOT.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 343 ~Want Is Just Another Virus~

Ignorance and Want only it’s nowhere near Christmas, I know, but if I ever have the money? Well, considering how I feel about the Day Job or the things I actually want to do for a living, I can tell you “stuff” I want. Want Is Just Another Virus

Monday, June 8, 2020

Log 343 ~Want Is Just Another Virus~

Hundred And Forty Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now… or how I want to be. Now, this is the perfect rule for right this second. It’s times like these, I realize that I have a problem. THEY talk about how “some” black men emulate Tony Montana. The Money, Power, Women, Gimme.

It’s no secret that this week I want, hell, I need money. I ought to be ashamed, Madam Justice. Only today (Saturday) I had a full day, and what have I done with it? To my shame, I slept, and Eric Thomas often talks about being willing to give up sleep. There’s also the fact I wanted that so badly I didn’t get myself a snack. How much will it cost to get over my fear of being awake? Even now, I checked out my schedule for next week and what do think I saw. SHOES, HOME & KIDS, dammit, I want money, so I’ll never have to listen to these STUPID people ever again. Now isn’t that the dream, and sounding like Trump? I do think having money does make you deaf. Of course, I hear everything which tells you all about my finances.

You know I’m one to quote Master Yoda, Fear, Anger, Hate, Suffering. Money leads to Power or the whole Rock, Paper, Scissors Dynamic. Power, Knowledge, Money. Money buys Power, Knowledge can take Money, Power crushes Knowledge. I want the power to not look STUPID. At this time, I want enough strength to stand up to my boss. Anger makes me sick, Madam Justice. I would say it makes me powerful, but here I am like a lamb to the slaughter and why? A Black woman and now ain’t the time.

What, for women? As Jake Morgendorffer put it, “God, God, Dammit,” how do you think I woke up after my nap? Drooling over “Specs,” Alyson Hannigan, and I’ll take a shot at saying Alison Rey because I need to stop looking at porn. I’m a master detective when it comes to that but can’t find one old lady, an electric knife. Even with NO FAP, I’m going crazy, and I want to… well, go off like a fire hose. I remember the words satisfaction is the death of desire, and that’s why I’m a dead man most of the time.

At least want shows I’m still fighting or about to. Want Is Just Another Virus.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 286 ~Will Raises A Roar~

Easter Sunday, though you’ll see, I’m not a participant. However, I am trying to bury my anger. It will probably rise again whenever I decide to go out and see what’s left of the world, but right now, I feel like the Devil. “Will Raises A Roar.”

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Log 286 ~Will Raises A Roar~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and when you are, as the song goes, Heads Will Roll. Now don’t shoot the messenger… with what, gun loading sucks. At the moment Academy sucks, Jim ‘N Nick’s BBQ, Walmart. Don’t take me as ungrateful, I do appreciate the essential workers. One of these days, I’m going to give you the full speech about why I think the Coronavirus (COVID-19) had to happen. Today though, I want to scream at everybody, well not the cashier at Walmart but a bad day.

Let me say that I am the first one that will take the blame. As messed up as I am, I will take the hit, that’s how you know you f*ed up, right. I wasted another day. When I got back, even the food wasn’t enough, and I needed a pink bra and a beautiful set of boobies. It didn’t start out that way, understand. I handled the books, ordered the speed loader. Somehow I even made a semi-decent mask. Of course, I didn’t wear it. What, did I roar, did I scream, did this apocalypse finally come to fruition? No people are people. Besides telling you my mindless ramblings, I didn’t even work on the book today. Okay, that may change, considering today is Friday. Still, what will any of this mean when it comes to, and I hate saying it, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 006 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
    Failed
  6. I AM Writing 25,000 Words, Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”
    Failed

Not to sound like Cameron Tucker. The truth is I hated most of Modern Family but was kept “abreast” about it. I probably shouldn’t say it but Alex Dunphy/Ariel Winter’s boobies. Why do I keep talking about “Divine” boobies, because I had an epiphany? I was wondering why I wasn’t swearing at Jim ‘N Nick’s. I didn’t yell at Academy Sports. You know I was scared about talking about Necrophilia. What about how many times I mentioned my gun like I like the NRA? I don’t, or we don’t. Anyway, my writing is my ROAR. It’s how I curse the sky at whomever or whatever is up there. Even when there’s nothing at all. It’s me spitting on graves or dancing. Of course, it’s how I hurt myself the most with SIGH Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
  6. I AM Writing 25,000 Words, Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”

There’s this country song “If I Die Young” which says it best. For now, while my hands are busy in some disgusting ways. In my throat, Will Raises A Roar.

“A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin”’ ―If I Die Young

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 092 ~Riches, But Looking For More~

I wish I could say it’s just money that I was burning and that I didn’t have to worry about it because there would always be more but what about time and words, doesn’t that count for more, sadly Riches, But Looking For More.

Monday, October 1, 2018

Episode 092 ~Riches, But Looking For More~

Fifty-Second Rule Madam Justice

How to make One Million Dollars, or maybe the real question is, why do I want to make one million dollars, when in the end I want so much more than that, but this is about stepping away from money right, nobody’s paying me a damn thing yet. I refuse to say I’m looking for happiness, revenge is a poison Madam Justice, and somebody said everything is about sex but sex is about power, and I say I want to be full, but at the same time I give all I have to you here.

There is no trouble at all telling you what I want but as for today as always I want people to suffer, to pay, I want retribution, I want my anger, as a matter of fact, I need rage if I’m going to get everything done today and even now I’m wasting time. Somewhere it’s written that one would instead feel something than nothing and I believe that in a way humans are greedy and as much as one may want to, you can’t wake up happy. Trees convert carbon monoxide into oxygen; they take what the world gives them and produce something positive for somebody else, I work the same way, I take the hurt and the pain and make smiles, for somebody else, I live off the misery as if I were a masochist, but I prefer sadism.

Didn’t I say yesterday that this is supposed to be the week of positive thinking and how many times have I said that I’m grateful, but today I want a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal, a new Kindle Tablet, and to be done writing because I’m saying three thousand words. Now I could have all of that at this very moment Madam Justice but what would I have left here, how would I feel afterward, I suppose the same with you know what. How will I believe if I do get this accomplished, I woke up early today, made my bed, worked, got off an hour ahead of my shift, I felt like a winner for a bit but where did that feeling go and that’s how it goes with happiness honestly. Isn’t that why the writers keep going, the Republicans keep stealing, and the dog keeps snuggling because it is never enough, is that why I dreamed of Daybreakers last night, I suppose.

True enough I could list everything I want, and that might solve my problem because I would be writing forever, but the greatest riches a writer could have is readers, immortality, worlds of their own, Riches, But Looking For More.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 085 ~Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust~

Too many sad friends to give into my misery, and trying to start this new week out of bed if I’m lucky but waiting to go to work and then after, my dose of the rage virus it seems, Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Episode 085 ~Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust~

Fifty-First Rule Madam Justice

How to make One Million Dollars, I wish those ideas came as fast as things I’m mad at or how quickly I get hard, though I didn’t wake up with Morning Wood, no I woke up angry that every other part of me had to get up. I read somewhere that couples shouldn’t go to bed angry, and most nights I’m not sure how I feel, though I usually tell myself stories, I go over games in my head, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time maybe Detroit: Become Human.

Back when I had a full-time school schedule, though I remember a pretty girl here, or there it is the rage I embraced the most, and now, hell I can be angry that I don’t have time for gaming, the money for it, that I don’t have a pretty girl like North, Kara, or Chloe. I’m mad that already I feel sick and what did I do wrong, I woke up right when I wanted to, ate breakfast, I’m even talking to you this morning so why should I be in pain. How about the fact that I can’t have hope, no I’m afraid which only means I need more anger to fuel me because when I get to the day job, what happens then?

Wouldn’t indifference be worse, I either want your head on a stick or your head on a… yeah it’s easier to talk about hate as always, people more often than not prefer my misery and they want it with me smiling. Me and my dumbass smile, THIS I CANNOT DO (anymore) I mean, so either I’m a pervert, a psycho, but never a person and strangely enough that makes me mad because do I honestly want to be like any person I know nowadays. Everyone I like is suffering, the man I am, I still hate, which goes perfectly with hating the majority of human beings so yes indeed I enjoy looking at beautiful things.

The Beautiful People, maybe that’s why I want anger because I want to feel something other than anything to be ashamed of right; being mad makes me damn well normal but pictures of bodies one way or another gets you kicked off Pinterest but not today. For now, I’m angry that this day isn’t going as planned but I am in more control dear Madam Justice, surprisingly this rage and Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 024 ~Sack Up For Life~

Please, don’t let this be an ending of my motivation; I swear I can give more, I know it doesn’t look like much of a sack, my computer, my words, my life, and where the hell did my balls go? “Sack Up For Life.”

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Episode 024 ~Sack Up For Life~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason that my life should end up in a bag if anything I suppose it beats a box and I’m still Alive but what exactly am I living for when everything I am can fit in a sack. I’ve heard girls talk about their whole life is in their purse and not that I’m trying to be offensive against women… oh no not me though that brings to mind a whole other sack full of life I’m keeping full.

Unlike the sacks of potato chips and sandwiches I’ve subsisted off of the past few days, food is food, but again I ask the question as to why other than not actively trying to kill myself these days. Well, I am still getting up an hour early for these chats nowadays, I would say I’m standing up for myself at work while sitting down, yeah I might get fired any day now and if it isn’t my boss, where do I say my courage comes from again? Must I go all Yoda with the Fear and Anger but I feel my courage accompanies my rage and those that enrage me so, well I wouldn’t look like much of a man.

Why can’t I sack up when it counts Inspector Echo, I was supposed to go to the library today, but from the look of the time that’s not happening, I can’t grow a pair when it comes to my damn name and of course both of these attribute to not buying lunch today. Why not, because I don’t feel like I deserve it and that’s true, when I start making money when I prove that I can do something, anything, all I did today besides working the day job is hit the sack. As you can attest there are so many to choose from and as they say, think outside the box, I need to think outside the bag but again my whole life is in there except my dog, and he’s my reason, my why I should be doing anything, so why aren’t I?

When most people pack a bag it’s for a few days, but when I do it well I don’t expect to survive, I plan on getting sick, something happening to the car, that I’ll forget something that is crucial. May you forgive me Inspector Echo for choosing to live inside a bag than die in a box, for being offensive yet again and still not having any balls, for filling up everything but myself as I give everything else, I must Sack Up For Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 017 ~Fires of Mt. Motivation~

If I were asked this moment what inspired a year’s worth of writing, nearly four books, buying space for a blog, fighting like Hell to keep it and more, find a person that makes your blood boil and then get it out of you. Fires of Mt. Motivation

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Episode 017 ~Fires of Mt. Motivation~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give me one reason other than fear; I have believed for the longest time that if fear is all you have to get someone to see your point of view, then you don’t have much to offer; the fires of Hell won’t scare me into the light of Heaven. Now I’ve been all about flames and the Devil these days, but no one has given me any reason why I should want to go to Heaven when my idea of paradise is what’s going to get me into Hell without a doubt.

What’s “interesting” (how I hate that word) is the fact that the concept of FEAR is cold; one more reason why I’m always in my hoodies, and it’s Summertime, honestly do you know how long it took me to show up in my trunks at the pool? When I was learning how to swim, and I never did, all I remember is the cold and at the same time when I wasn’t afraid I couldn’t get enough of the water, the pool, the lake, I’m not going back to my brief stint in the Navy. Where’s the motivation then, is it merely my desire to escape the cold, you know the ninth circle of Hell is that of Treachery and these past few days, despite waking up an hour early, writing, coming to the library I feel, “success in progress.”

Okay, more to the point FAILURE like last night and this afternoon so what drove me to come out today; first and foremost, my desire, talk about setting your feet to the fire whether it be for material possession, the fact that I looked up the word “Quadrillion.” Finishing my latest novel, and as always women, which leads me to humiliation, that sort of heat puts fire in my fingertips, and still, I bury myself in blankets and Puppy Love but haven’t I said once where my courage comes into play. Anger, that’s what I feel when I’m at work, and I’m thinking I should be writing, how about when I woke up this afternoon, and I was pissed because it was one, and I finished that Spotify Motivational playlist.

Still, I couldn’t get here sooner, I’m motivated, don’t get me wrong, tomorrow I’ll wake up and write seven hundred words, I’ll come to the library, and I will write another five thousand words. So why do I need forgiveness, forgive me for learning how to accept the cold, for not yet trying hard enough to escape it, for all my hellish desires, my fear of humiliation, the anger I have, Fires of Mt. Motivation.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

Often when I get done with my writing, I think of how many words I wasted and how many things I want to say but going on two hundred and thirty-eight days there are always more thoughts, more words, more time to spend. “Waste Not, Want Not”

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, angry some, horny most days, exhausted always, and don’t even get me started on how I feel about my job… is there yet a word for such emotion because there isn’t just fear. This morning though I had to draw upon anger and what I realized is that my rage is not some finite resource, there is plenty to burn, so it’s not wasted but is it wanted, and yes I even looked up the old saying.

I spend my anger to keep it from overflowing, and that’s probably not the safest thing to say in this climate, but of course, you know who draws most of my anger. Wouldn’t I suggest the same of my lust but though I have a high sex drive, my money situation, well… just another reason to envy Christian Grey but I’m sure that leather costs more than the outfits I buy for potential submissives. My dollars could be better spent on a softer bed, two birds with one stone because apparently, I’m not getting enough sleep, but for a second day, I dragged myself to the dining room table to talk to you and work.

Is it sad that I feel like I’m wasting a god awful number of words, it beats having to talk to actual people next week, and even then I wouldn’t be allowed my first amendment? In this way, I don’t waste the truth on those people either, and as I’ve learned Lady Lu, with most girls, even speaking a fraction of the truth means I don’t get the girl but not talking at all? I’m sure I’ll go back to saving money now that Indiana Gone has departed, I’m going to miss having a movie partner but when’s the last time I wasted any tears?

The worst things Lady Luna are either immeasurable or I hoard but what about the best things… I suppose love can be a bit of both, I love my dog, but when it comes to myself, I don’t waste any, but I seem to be like everyone else, my company is unwelcome. For me, time is what I lose the most of, and that is what leaves me wanting, more money, more power, more women.

So what have I learned today, spend anger but keep enough to write, don’t waste money on a submissive you don’t plan on finding, spare less on sleep so you’ll have a lot more to contemplate Waste Not, Want Not?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 183 ~Time To Work Sparky~

At the closing of the year *sigh* I’m exhausted, and I will be, but maybe this year I will try something different, perhaps this year I will live instead of just surviving, no more usual. “Time To Work Sparky.”

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Lesson 183 ~Time To Work Sparky~

“We are the spark, that will light the fire that’ll burn the First Order down.” Star Wars: The Last Jedi

To Will:
No Fear and we’ll start here and end here only to begin again; to be honest fireworks scare me and let that be the last deep dark secret I share with you because you will be a much braver man. Perhaps today is a day for grand declarations and if I have to think of one for you, Will you won’t just be a man you’ll be the man, and you’re doing great.

Do you even remember how you spent last New Year’s Eve because I don’t, but already, you’ll be out amongst people, you’ll have a friend that has two legs and while you’ll be exhausted tomorrow morning as the kids say nowadays, YOLO? I know it doesn’t sound as exciting as watching religious propaganda… what some of those movies are awesome, yet another secret but anyway that was a good night, and there is no reason not to think the best of this one. Speaking of which I don’t expect you to get over fear in one night, we’re talking decades but again, today is the first day of the rest of your life, just yours.

“I don’t know where I’m going
But I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday

And I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time” ― Whitesnake

There are too many statements that all contradict each other, maybe we should stick with the words of Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” because this is what you’ll have to do. I want you to feel the fear, don’t knock it, fear, anger, hate, yes I sound like Star Wars which just goes to show, don’t forget who you are and who you will become. Just like hope, kindness, and love, there is a balance to grow, which brings me back full circle my friend.

“The opposite of war isn’t peace, its creation” ― RENT

You won’t just be the spark, I want you to be a freaking infection, pain, a virus; I want you to go off, to explode, and from the craters that you create from yourself for once. I want you to build, be the angry man and give them a reason to look down on you. Yeah, let them see because just when they think they’ve won yet again, you’ll blind them with your bright future.
Yes, you just won’t be a firework, you just won’t be a spark, not just the tip of the sword, this is going to be your year. Okay, how many times have I said this and it is my wish that you will never have to repeat it now go on Time To Work Sparky.

I Will Have No Fear, Have A Happy New Year