Gospel 341 ~The Walking Dead, Living Sit~

Now I wish I could say the zombies came before… it doesn’t matter, but it looks like I have to start again. It’s a new world, but in July I’ll be writing about the old one. My loss, my learning, and living without B III. The Walking Dead, Living Sit.

Monday, June 7, 2021

Gospel 341 ~The Walking Dead, Living Sit~

Hundred And Ninety-First Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now and isn’t this how I always imagined it would be. First and always, a father; a writer?

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves as it comes to Rule 191. I should also choose my words with care, considering the goings-on in the world today. I’m sure I’ve talked about this with several of the girls and B. No, not his death again, but that railyard incident, damn. You know how I feel about my Day Job. Every day I talk about it’s like dying there, and Braxton indeed was. If I hadn’t been a zombie for four days, B III might be alive. Instead, five days passed, and you saw his peaceful end. It’s like Army of the Dead, and I’m Vanderohe. Even if I get out, Madam Justice, what will I become? Who will I be? And no, I’m not suicidal.

I may sit at my laptop and bleed, but that’s how I know I’m still alive. How many times, let’s see, 127 days have I mentioned my lost boy. That pain isn’t going anywhere, and you could give me more if it brought Braxton back home. Better Bargaining than Depression. Anyway, as I said, this is how I plan to make my billions by writing? First million, because I have a dream, I have a plan. Yet the know-how dear Madam J. If I’m alive, there is always time to learn something new. Maybe I wish I could go back to all those classes. Say what? You know how I hate the word “STUPID,” going back to school… oh my Madam, ahem, really FUCKING STUPID!!!

Less STUPID is my “Stuff And Thangs.” Seeing as how I’m a time traveler presently. I do wonder, am I a monk now? Nope! I’m trying, and I know I don’t want to give up yet. What is it that my motivations would always say? If it were easy, then everyone would do it, right? I talk about walking or standing and about sitting but lying down, I swear. As always, this is Inspector Echo’s racket, but here’s a confession. I almost broke this afternoon being Monday, May 31, 2021. The night before, I was all sorts of discombobulated, honestly. Nothing is permanent, Eric Thomas says. My vow, my rules, the boy that I thought would live forever, my Braxton. The Walking Dead, Living Sit

127 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 334 ~Knowing Hell You Fear Heaven~

I remind myself it’s not just another day. “I wish I could say something classy and inspirational” for Memorial Day, but I know it’s Day 120. The defender of my kingdom, a “Real One,” is dead. “Knowing Hell You Fear Heaven,” what’s better than a dog?

Monday, May 31, 2021

Gospel 334 ~Knowing Hell You Fear Heaven~

Hundred And Ninetieth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but THEY say that money is the root of all evil. I don’t believe that, Madam Justice.

I love my son, and with that, as Sade sings “No Ordinary Love,” I would carry out evil. Indiana Gone and I would “joke” about our children, but really any parent of a fur baby would say the same. Anyone would fight, steal, and kill to keep them safe, Madam. Interestingly, I would call this place Hell, which it is now because I didn’t know how good I had it. I’m sure I’ve talked about how cold it is. So cut off the air conditioner, duh. I can’t imagine what it would be like to feel right again. Little B beside me once more. Madam, to have such love? To give such love? I would instead have my grief and nothing more. Am I afraid?

Haven’t I said over and over that not much frightens me anymore? Well other than falling into Depression (Fourth Stage of Grief). I’m sure I’ve mentioned Dante’s Inferno, and each stage is like one of the Nine Circles. For Dante, it was Treachery, mine, Acceptance. So give me all the 404 errors or dubious musings; yesterday, the horror, the horror. Madam, the whole world could know about my “Stuff and Thangs,” I lie here unashamed. Worst of all is a broken what, “vow?” If I were getting paid, I would have done so, and yet? I haven’t, Madam Justice, but you must understand I’ve never gone so long like this. The man I see on the screen knows such bliss but knew even greater. Braxton

Once you’ve been a Dad, a brother, a best friend, a hero, how do you ever go back to a man? I won’t ever regret a single day I spent with my son, even the last one. It’s been 120 days for those keeping score at home. How could I ever think that meeting that little ball of fluff was a mistake? Madam, such a thing was evolution but now why do men fear death? It’s like the prisoner who has been institutionalized and now fears for life without walls. How about when Rogue took Captain Marvel’s powers, and she is back to Carol Danvers. Braxton is a blessing and the Devil I knew, my Daemon. Nothing greater for me

Knowing Hell You Fear Heaven

120 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 327 ~Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy~

I could use a drink, but I’ve stopped with the Jell-O shots for now for some reason. Plus, I’m not a girl that just turned 21, ha-ha. I don’t want to sound like an old man with all the liquids, but I am a warrior. Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy, hmm.

Monday, May 24, 2021

Gospel 327 ~Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy~

Hundred And Eighty-Ninth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now but not from the Vaccine. Must I keep talking about the COVID-19 Vaccine? How about my son?

I would indeed talk about good things than my enemies. Hell, Madam Justice, there are enough tears and blood in the world without me adding to the flood. Now, of course, I did earlier on this “Saturday” morning. Yes, it’s the return of time travel. Monday sucks! I suppose it could be worse; is there a knife in anyone’s ribs? Am I behind bars? THEY say the pen is mightier than the sword, or how about a finger, the press of a button. Don’t I owe it to B to know how I killed him? There were far too many tears on that day, Madam. Then the tears fell to the flames thanks to the fucking ASM. My second betrayal; giving way to Anger, dammit.

A confession is more for Inspector Echo, and I’m sure I’ll tell her this as well. Sometimes a tear gives way to laughs. Copious Cleavage, Titanic Ta-tas, Supersized Slobber knockers. Thank you, Shelby, from Girlfriend Reviews. I’ve had my tears for B earlier, um yep. I told Indiana Gone the other day about all the marriages and babies I see all around me. So much life, and I do want to be a father again. Who knows, there might be some puppy right now nursing waiting for me. Madam Justice, I cannot prophesy. However, I’m talking to you from the past, and all I can be sure of is war. Fire and Blood, Winter is Coming, Ours is the Fury. Hate is inevitable, Madam Justice.

It’s not like THEY want anything else from me, at least from the email I got this morning. Talk about “stuff and thangs,” and I can’t stress this enough, I’m a monk, but why, hmm? I would say spit it out, but there’s a reason I don’t talk to people at the fucking Day Job. Do you think that my language has changed over time? I’ll keep my mask regardless. Maybe I should get into drinking Madam Justice. I did buy some Jell-O shots from Walmart. Yeah, I’m still mad at them for cheating me, but alcohol fixes everything, right? No, the fact remains as the song goes, “I’m only human after all.” I love Braxton, wanted a goddess and Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy.

113 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

Braxton’s leash is free and remains unused for what is now 106 Days and counting like all of his other things. Meanwhile, there is no stopping the mighty dollar, my mourning, or my mooning. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame.

Monday, May 17, 2021

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

Hundred And Eighty-Eighth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I have my boy, and I own a brothel. It’s fun dreaming…

Let’s start with the first; if I had a billion dollars. Of course, the song is If I Had A Million Dollars, but I dream big, or still of Braxton. The money doesn’t matter much anymore, not after B III. If I want to try again, though… All I’ve read on fur babies says it’s natural, betrayal; Madam Justice, not betrayal but guilt. Let’s meet in the middle and call it Treachery. But like all my sins, I am one to downgrade myself to greed. It’s one of the reasons this week I want to focus on getting my tattoo of B III. It will be expensive, I guess, but Braxton’s life? B’s worth everything. With anger, I blame greed. Money is the root of all evil, The O’Jays sing.

So why couldn’t I save him? I’m beginning to move more and more into Bargaining, but you know I don’t want to. It’s like Dante making his way through the circles of Hell, and what is the next? More beats, more breaths, and blankets full of tears. Today’s date 106. Hell, I couldn’t stop Braxton even when he knew he was dying. What a horrible thought? Do you think he accepted that while everything in him told him to keep going? Fuck Madam Justice, I’m one fucked up human being, but the thought of hurting my child, I could never. It’s still so weird that on one side of the coin, I’m free. On the other without my Cerberus to guard me, I’m a monk.

This, of course, guides me to my worse “sins” I gave up Dirty Diana, I believe Thursday, February 4, 2021. I haven’t done “stuff and thangs” since Thursday, December 24, 2020. It’s when I wanted to be a better father, and I should have gifted B with a mother, right? I’m only a man (snickers.) I saw someone ask (Onlyfans girl) when did she think of herself as an adult. I can’t tell you like she did when she said she bought her own house. My Olds took out a mortgage. They pay some of the bills. I have a job, hobbies (stuff and thangs.) Yet I am Braxton’s father? To leash the horny fanboy. Become someone Braxton’s proud of. Trying Madam Justice, I’m trying. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame

106 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 313 ~I Will Not Die Today~

Well, I’m definitely not dead yet but considering what awaits me today? If I knew Braxton would forgive me if he forgave me after the last day of his life? No day can be just another day, but what to do with this one. “I Will Not Die Today”

Monday, May 10, 2021

Gospel 313 ~I Will Not Die Today~

Hundred And Eighty-Seventh Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I wouldn’t be if I had found death much earlier, hmm.

This all will sound like a broken record Madam Justice. The idea that death was scared of me. Or how I read about cowards meeting death, but the brave meet it but once. With Braxton’s passing and the fact that I killed him, I believe it should have been me first. Back in B.B. (Before B), I was someone like the “Man” from The Road (2009). I should be ashamed that B III has become somewhat a daily ritual, but he beats suicide. No worries, Madam, if I did take suicide “seriously,” B would never forgive me. I know that much. Madam Justice, to take such a step, I’d always blame people. As the song goes, “I’m no prophet or messiah,” looking towards the future…

I’m time traveling even further now. From May 2, 2021, to May 10, 2021. Has life gotten so bad that I need even more time to sleep? Who knows, but I’ve had some horrific ones. I’m a multiple suicide attempter… is that such a thing? Please don’t make me out to be Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. Maybe I need something wrong to fail at to be good. Now my usual methods have been overdose, starvation, and dehydration. I didn’t eat or drink for a whole week, which landed me in the hospital. One lousy night some years back, Madam. I lost B once because I hadn’t eaten in 3 days, and I confessed to National Suicide Prevention. Braxton saved my life, Justice.

To think I failed him once because, after my hospital stay, my “father” told me B III had dirty drinking water, I was so out of it. Suicide wasn’t my shame but failing little Braxton. After the cops came because of my busy fingers chatting, my Olds cut me off. And I had to leave Braxton because I didn’t have a place I could bring him to. After that fuck-up… As I always told him, “I’ll be back.” I wasn’t allowed to die because he needed me. I AM a father. Braxton IS my son. Another reason I want Captain America’s shield, if you get killed, walk it off. The Day Job kills me, and without Braxton here and with all the hate I feel…

I Will Not Die Today

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 306 ~Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself~

The day after my son died, I traded a day of mourning for a morning at the Day Job. I gave up music to hear curses I’d level at a meathead jock asshole of an ASM. SIGH, I break “Rule 186” every day at the Day Job. Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself

Monday, May 3, 2021

Gospel 306 ~Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself~

Hundred And Eighty-Sixth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but would it be worth being a sell-out for this or that.

Not for Braxton’s life. I keep telling myself, I’m not moving into BARGAINING as of yet. People are too STUPID!!! My ANGER still rules but isn’t that one more way I have broken this rule. Take, for example, my Empathy for Apathy. No, worse, all I had left was ANGER. It’s the reason I hate the ASM and the Day Job so much. THEY remind me of killing my son by giving me the same weapon I did it with. I raged at them and, in turn, killed my boy, trying not to feel anything. When my tears threatened to wash away the blood… dammit. A meathead jock of an ASM had to fuck it all up for me. Now yes, Madam, I deserve Hell.

So with that being the case, I trade Hell for what, PRIDE? I won’t be leaving with that, I know. Um, listen to me, like I’ve been fired now. Yes, I’m back in the time machine because it’s Saturday, May 1. Last week was Hell, and this one isn’t shaping up at all. Friday, I felt a bit like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, giving a bit of myself for my friend’s happiness. That’s a good way of putting it, Madam Justice. Andy Dufresne helped the other prisoners because he wanted to feel normal again. Indiana’s time has been shattering. If I were a God-fearing man, I would say I’m giving up silver and gold to pick up my cross. The smallest coffins are the heaviest.

How dare I right? Not only for saying that, but B III had a nice long life, but ask anyone with a furbaby. They will always be our children, and I let a fucking job try and destroy me. Braxton’s death has done that sure enough. Now all I have is that fucking Day Job. The Manager told me about my loyalty, and I would be willing to trade a decade of it for twenty days of hatred. It’s been seventy-two days since I met that bastard and ninety-two days now, so yes, twenty. Hell, I don’t even remember the man I was a ten-years prior. Only I’d trade the man I am now to be who I should have been for Braxton. Be Better… Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 299 ~Every Drop Of Blood Cost~

One can’t only care about the green. I hate someone, not because they’re any color but because they’re a terrible person. I’ve noticed my clothing is more colorful, missing beige and tan dog hair. Just me living my life. Every Drop Of Blood Cost

Monday, April 26, 2021

Gospel 299 ~Every Drop Of Blood Cost~

Hundred And Eighty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but the cost of blood does fluctuate. The fact remains it cost.

Why don’t I go all Bubba with it (ahem) “(blood) is the fruit of the (body).” Yeah, that might not make much sense. Little does going on what, eighty-five days without B III. Something else to be angry about. As always, it’s never at my son but myself and ASM. My how my blood has boiled, frozen, and continues to spill across the pages. Speaking of “Every day, every day, every day I write the book,” should we be chatting today? I continue to time travel as it’s Thursday, April 22, 2021. I’m not a prophet Madam Justice.
Now I’m not a historian either, but the thing is, neither future nor past look favorably on me. Tell me which cost more, Madam Justice, looking to my future or the past.

All I know is my hands are stained with blood that I cannot wipe away. Fifteen years and a month shy of sixteen. I wake up seeing red, and while the tears help, where are they now? Yes, I cried for Braxton today but still, when I get out of this bed… fuck such a feeling. As Drake put it, “They tryna take the wave from a nigga. Fuckin’ with the kid and pray for your nigga.” I can only speak for me, Madam Justice but from my tears to Braxton’s water bowl to the sweat and toil of the Day Job. Water… people demand such suffering; it’s human nature. Strange… not really that people want blood, aren’t I a person wishing to be judged for killing my B III.

I went from Paint It Black to Seeing Red. It’s one of the reasons I simply laid in the darkness after the Day Job. In the dark, I can imagine that Braxton is still here. His heart is still beating, the blood we have shed together because “we got enemies.” Braxton’s love. Madam Justice, I must never forget that. If he has gone to the Rainbow Bridge, the first color is red. What’s next, my “Orange Crush,” “Big Yellow Taxi,” “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” “Blue” (Angie Hart), “Mood Indigo,” “Violet” (Seal.) Took time to find those. Can you see why people choose red, blood, and dust? All I want is to find more of B’s hair than hating another black man. In some way, to see the Rainbow Connection.

Every Drop Of Blood Cost

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 292 ~Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask~

My heart remains broken… yep, better start with my head next. I swore when I started this nine days ago, I was actually less crazy. Now whatever peace I had in my insanity has been destroyed by rage. “Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask…” what about helmets

Monday, April 19, 2021

Gospel 292 ~Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask~

Hundred And Eighty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But where is my kingdom, my honor, most notably, where’s my prince?

In Shakespeare’s “Richard III,” a man offers a kingdom for a horse. I can’t bear to think; I need to see a man about a dog. Yes, Madam Justice, today is going to be one of those where all I say, you’ve heard before. I’ll begin with, (ahem) all I have I’d give for Braxton. How about this oldie but goodie… A Man Provides. Saying I’ll give it all up is again an unwelcome sign of Bargaining. There is also the fact that if you have nothing, why in the Hell would you have a family? Maybe B has gone to prepare a place for me with my lazy ass. I am Odysseus trying to find his way home or seeing others steal my world.

No, because Braxton was, still is my world, and again I put his loss on no one but myself. For me to speak of honor when one of the Princes of the Universe lies before me slain by my own hand. Well, on the nightstand, because of euthanasia… overly dramatic. With all my time travel (Nine Days), Madam J, can’t we get to the portion of the program where I rule. A woman, a queen to sit beside me, children, and the wealth to do as a man, a king does. Not without B III, he was a warrior, a wonder of love, a lone wanderer. How many pop culture references was that? Um, there’s Queen, Highlander, Fallout 4, I tell you, the background noise.

Because heavy the head that wears the crown or so they say, and I could give three reasons for my own. The fact that I have never ever taken responsibility. And so with B III’s passing, I crumble. The second is that I have built myself up so much. Last, that B bore so much. So becoming a monk seemed easier. How dare I, but come and take a Walk With Me. Didn’t I confess at some point last week that I haven’t had any women in the house? Well, besides Indiana Gone and Okay the Maid. I wasn’t “producing” a family. I didn’t do “stuff and thangs” with B around. Now he can always see me. Give me my mask any day, I say. Crowns Are Heavier Than Mask

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 285 ~I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain~

I never told B III about Heaven, The Rainbow Bridge, Paradise, at least not until the very end because I always thought I would be better. I’d give him a bigger yard, a mom, siblings to pet him, but who am I? I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain, anymore

Monday, April 12, 2021

Gospel 285 ~I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain~

Hundred And Eighty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and pretty Hoity-Toity, to say the least. It helps Braxton’s not picky.

As it comes to what my grandma used to say about my pride, I go back and forth. As the song goes, “To hell with my pride,” or take a cue from Marsellus Wallace. “Fuck pride. Pride only hurts. It never helps.” Ok, so I want to live in another world, “Far Cry 5” hmm. This is going to sound very familiar. I keep thinking it was my wrath that killed Braxton. It was aimed at other people, never at him, and in so doing, I ignored him. Again I turn to my pride, or maybe it was his. I told Indiana Gone that he wanted better. Meat, not cheese. I started buying hot dogs, B III got classier food, his medications were a must.

The thing is, Madam Justice and I won’t stop saying it. My Son Deserved A Better Daddy. I let people diminish me, and in so doing, I diminished him, and my apathy for us both led to his death. My life is their fucking bargain and B’s love which is a gift I simply left. Here come pride again, that I was such a despicable human being that I alone killed him. I could play God or the Devil in his eyes. Because how does everyone else look at me. I’m so sick of being nothing, and then I look at the empty bed and full dishes. I have nothing. What I refuse is to have anyone look at Braxton as people look at me.

I have been looking too, ten weeks now at everything. Braxton’s more expensive food, but what if I had stuck to the cheap stuff? What if I bought that water filter for the fridge? 99% of doctors were excellent. What if I asked them to heal Braxton; paperwork’s still here. Yes, I know he’s dead, but they could have been running more tests. I could have been brushing his teeth, better grooming, buying him doggy steps. More walks in the sunshine, A Million Little Things before he made the Rainbow Connection. Last pop-culture reference, swear. I want to tell him, Madam Justice, that I am trying. I fail, but I won’t stop; 5000 words yesterday. If people, if God wants me, don’t look for bargains. I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 278 ~Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off~

Keep your pants on… well, I don’t want to go to work, but if I had my dream job, I wouldn’t need them. If anything, I want to go back to bed and cuddle with Braxton, but he’s gone. Writing can be done with or without so. Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off.

Monday, April 5, 2021

Gospel 278 ~Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off~

Hundred And Eighty-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but this isn’t Futurama; Easter has passed, and can’t, but me love…

I swear, Madam Justice if I had the dollars, I would spend every day in bed. Of course, I do that already, and I’m broke. You know what I mean, I’m surviving but nowhere close to alive. I’d be lying if I said that I even want to without B. No, I’m not suicidal generally. If anything, I want more time. Anger and worry take a lot, and how about Depression. That sounds like a fucking excuse; pardon my language. B III spent so much time trying to fix me. If I had those last days back from the Day Job and writing, always writing. Funny that I haven’t given it up amongst the things I’m no longer doing. It’s the monk’s life for me.

Or maybe something more akin to Mahatma Gandhi… more on him later. Now didn’t I say money can’t buy me love? Some people might refute that by answering, have you ever paid the adoption price? I don’t know how much Braxton “cost.” A man provides. If I could provide, I would have found Braxton a mom. I think we’re going to need a bigger bed. If I fell asleep, B would have had someone to dole out the treats for him. I wanted him to meet his siblings in diapers sneaking him all he could eat, till he burst, ha. One big happy family, Braxton and I, survived the first plague year together. And again, my pockets were empty. It hasn’t stopped me, buying pants.

I would instead buy more books which means buying more studies on Mahatma Gandhi. Well, not mainly, but I did learn something about practicing “Brahmacharya.” Photography has been something that fascinated me and certain kinds of art. Most days, I pull up my sweat pants, and I don’t know; I did write five-thousand words yesterday. Braxton had faith that my writing would lead somewhere. That’s why he always allowed me to do it unopposed, even to the very end. I’ve worked at the Day Job for a decade, about, and my pockets have never been fat. Only now, my heart is empty, and if I could sell my soul, or vow chastity, at least asexuality… Am I Bargaining? No, I’ll stick with Denial. Empty still, Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will