Log 251 ~A Question Of Willies~

When am I going to start back writing, when will I get rid of this “dang” humming? How long can I hold out this time, and will I ever read a book with an average guy with no issues, like my six impossible things. A Question Of Willies.

Sunday, March 08, 2020

Log 251 ~A Question Of Willies~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you keep buying your books, BBQ, and sexual investments. We’ll keep it “PG” as much as possible today. Also note to self, being a southern man and all, I should know not all BBQ places are equal. Today’s was yuck. Now seeing today is (Friday) this subject would be perfect but of course, time-traveler. So I noticed a pattern this morning about you and recent books.

  1. The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson (Loses His Accidental)
  2. The Five by Lily White (Can’t Control His)
  3. Lust by Ker Dukey (Hates His)

“What!” I hear you scream and then “Ouch,” finally, you cross your legs. Okay do you need context, we have the PORNOGRAPHER, who burns his off in a car accident. A DOCTOR who has to keep his hands off his subject. SPOILER ALERT, he dies in the end. Lastly, we have a college boy who has to film the girl he loves, having sex. I’ve always had this dream that I want a girl I love so much that I don’t want to film her; okay, instead won’t share what I shoot. It’s not Thursday, and don’t get me started on the drama I dealt with for what I said. Anyway, the question is, as usual, what is the matter with you? Yeah, you haven’t done anything yet, but if you follow in my footsteps? We steady on as always. Dealing with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 008 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Making The Bed Every Morning No Matter What
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Writing My Latest Novella
    Failed

Back to one, and just because you’re making the bed doesn’t mean you aren’t still sleeping. I haven’t mentioned the HUMMING in a day or so, but it’s still there. That’s something, while you’re contemplating the mysteries of “manhood.” You can’t keep running from this; you have to do something, one of many problems. Is it any wonder you are into audiobooks? You know what, that’s a theory, men who have lost their manhood for one reason or another. One man can love, but he can’t express it in such physical ways. Another loses control and can’t satisfy his girl. The third can please his girls but not himself until much later. As the song goes, I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, which would explain plenty of things. Well, what about not doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Making The Bed Every Morning No Matter What
  6. I AM Finishing Writing My Latest Novella

What about thinking with another part of my anatomy? Another similarity, these men faced death, all A Question Of Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 349 ~Who, What, When, Will~

This week I should have been asking the question of how much money am I going to make, but I still haven’t sent in my book. Hell, I trust writers of fiction but publishers and what about myself to be honest. Who, What, When, Will.

Saturday, June 15, 2019

Episode 349 ~Who, What, When, Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Millionaire right now but WHO WILL I blame? Karen Marie Moning for Mckayla’s Manuscripts and Miscellany. That’s from the Fever Series so is Barrons Books And Baubles. Vile. Vicious. Villainous. Vasiliev comes from The V Games Novels by Ker Dukey and K. Webster. Invisible, Impenetrable, Invincible or Resurrection, Redemption, Resolution, thank you Pepper Winters for Destroyed. Am I trying to explain my love for alliteration or looking for another woman to blame? I don’t want to be alone in madness, I guess. I can’t say my latest stylings have been kind. With all my efforts to win NO FAP, I’ve added 36 Sections to one Pinterest board. I can’t blame anyone for this but me myself and I. It did give me an idea for a new novel though, Camp NaNoWriMo begins in July.

WHAT WILL I write about, while the idea is still fresh in my head. As always, there’s a brothel, a doctor’s office, and a tattoo parlor; that’s new. A man is an executioner for a bordello, and he tells the stories of his victims through tattoos. I’ve set the stage for this through the thirteen tools of the Gods and my last tale. I’m thinking strings of DNA in the symbols. So what’s stopping me from writing this story right now or putting down anything? Yesterday I barely got out of bed. Of course, I can make a million excuses as the song goes. You know I watched an episode of The Handmaid’s Tale. Another thing? What do I get from spoiling things for myself? For this week it’s been Eden and Issac, love her and hate him of course. Have I had enough of the HEA, but I have such respect for Canada now.

When Will I go there or any other part of the world? How about those goals I wrote down, still proud to be an American? Nevada, California, New York and Sweet Home Alabama. Shall I once again travel through the world of my imagination? I worry about little B III. I still refuse to put these words out into the UNIVERSE. He couldn’t jump in the car; he’s slower on the stairs. When will I have enough to make women’s clothes blow right off? I suppose that’s enough social media for today Lady Lu. Don’t I know all of this right? Who, What, When, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 198 ~Cold Outside, Willing Approval~

I don’t need your approval, what I tell myself daily and part of that is because everyone has already agreed to the man they see now and God help me if I decide to change or if some girl likes what she sees in me. Cold Outside, Willing Approval.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Episode 198 ~Cold Outside, Willing Approval~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, though I can think of scarier questions, the first time I asked you out, will you marry me, how am I going to drive to the hospital during the winter months in the dark… praying for a summertime baby. I saw a movie once where this man said that a man doesn’t have to run around a woman, he tells her how things are, another man says he looked in the mirror and consulted with himself.

You know me baby-girl, or maybe you don’t, I’ll look at you longer than any mirror, my favorite thing on dates are movies, and of course, on Saturday mornings, lying here with you for two hours, maybe an hour, kids willing, listening to “Nuclear Pop.” Where does such a love come from, for you, our children, for dystopian societies and if I go by the logic of my first born “B III” I would say it was the moment I realized I was more scared of knowing you, terrified that anything outside could take you away, that I would have to explain everything. You see, you’re here, you see me when I can’t stand to look at myself, hear me when I run out of words from music, movies, and how many musings this year; is that the definition of love, being accepted for who you are, not needing approval?

How about forgetting who you are, and becoming what someone needs you to be, some Detroit Become Human right but no music today My Love, okay maybe a little but I go to work, and all day people are more than willing to accept me as they would have me but let me show them who I am? I’m done being the son my parents never wanted and as for your parents; as traditional as I am I would ask your father’s blessing but not his permission, I’m not looking for an alliance with France since taking French in high school. Having a daughter of our own, will I hope she finds a man like me… that’s why I want to be the man you need and every day I want to ask someone, anyone am I him, who approves?

It’s cold outside or don’t you believe me; Someday it won’t matter because as I begin every day, how to make one million dollars, fifty million, billion, five hundred billion but I’m not greedy and would the world approve of a man like me? At the end of the day you chose, the man you see before you, that you want, need, believe in, and love and It Doesn’t Matter what anyone else thinks because it’s Cold Outside, Willing Approval.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 107 ~All Will Be Will~

Get well soon, nope, usually, it’s better to get Will soon, whether it be a fight at work, a reason to be fired, or some other calamity but the question is who will I be tomorrow, and who cares to know. All Will Be Will.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Episode 107 ~All Will Be Will~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, yet I Stay here with you, for a little while longer and I don’t worry, more like a wish that all will be Will… yeah for a writer, I’m sure many an English teacher will have a field day with that. I’ve done worst in English classes, ask me about my freshman year in junior college one day but I close my eyes, and I know all will be well if I can be the man you always love every day.

If I can be the man that everyday kisses all of my children’s heads and tells my furry little firstborn “good puppy, good puppy, be good puppy *gives him a treat* I’ll be back, I love you, be a good puppy, make good decisions, always make good decisions.” Could I say the same for myself as you kiss me goodbye, is there anything better to stop my words whether they be angry, negative, or complicated as people seem to find them and that’s when they come at all. Is there a better way to keep a smile on my face, the needs of the many as they say but For The Love Of You, I want to be me all of the time, even when I can’t see him, I still don’t like mirrors much.

Is it strange that I don’t like first person shooters either but “Far Cry 5”… I learn but my point is when I’m leaving, and I’ll never bow to any religion but I pray for my son, and now I pray for you as well and my other children; I believe, I know you’ll be Alright. Again I don’t feel that way most days, people ask me how I’m doing and I find that question so freaking annoying because people don’t care, so I say “another day,” and when I realize at work, I won’t feel my rage. When I’m out in the world and don’t rattle, or when the average person doesn’t leave me with the look of “REALLY” on my face. So I come back to you, and I’ll always ask how your day is going, but you don’t need to ask me, I know you care too but how was my day, how am I doing, how do I feel right now?

I want to feel like Will, I want to love my family, I want to know I have everything I need and I get out of bed not because I’m in a hurry, but because hell maybe Shakespeare had it right, parting is such sweet sorrow and knowing me that’s the only sadness I’ll cater to. I want to kill… for fun, Far Cry 5, Detroit Become Human, Fallout 4, getting around holiday time. Yeah, I can be a monster, trying to be an Eagle surrounded by turkeys, and as far as the Santa Claus question *sigh* we’ll get to it, me and my motivations; when I love you will do, all will be well and All Will Be Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 010 ~A Question Of Literacy~

I can lose myself in a decent book, a hard class, or a pretty face, but while some I eventually come to understand the others well… let’s say all the fiction in the world isn’t helping me deal with liars. “A Question Of Literacy?”

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Episode 010 ~A Question Of Literacy~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason to keep going, discipline, character, fight, heart, I could go on and on as I listen to motivational speeches every day, I’m not ashamed of that. If you’re curious, I even had a self-help phase, along with a religious one. If it weren’t for reading, I probably would have taken my life years ago and while I still adamantly refuse to listen to audiobooks, Audible for example, those speeches, these books I read on Kindle… such is salvation.

I’ve said this before, but I can’t read people, not face to face anyway, I’ve only ever put down three books in my entire life, but I’m ready to write off the human race, or such as my novel dictates. Do you know why I took French in school Inspector Echo, because I wanted to learn the “language of love” as it were, and where did that get me; I failed that class in spectacular fashion. My “father” wanted me to take Spanish, what so he could call me STUPID in a whole other language; I’ve never been so fortunate to fail a class. However, the pain I read well.

You know what I haven’t been able to get off my mind, as always the day job and you know who, offers a strip tease for my dog and me, now that’s what I heard but translations as follows “I like you,” “I’m fucking with you” and finally “TROUBLE.” The things we choose to see, to listen, to hear, and to understand and I can’t understand a word like “Clean” at the day job, all I know is it scares me, it gives me such Anxiety. I have spent my life in books, both reading, and writing and it seems the question as to why I haven’t published one becomes quite clear, I might as well look at porn and Pinterest, like a male version of “The Handmaid’s Tale” maybe.

Don’t get me wrong a picture is not worth a thousand words, but if I write the only word I see is monster, and the same goes, for watching a pretty girl dancing, I need only look at myself in the mirror, and I have all the instructions I could ever need. So will you forgive me Inspector Echo for not thinking much of audiobooks, my course failures, for wanting to read some girl, my fear, my “success in progress” and for my somewhat sour mood, I’m tired, reading, writing such A Question Of Literacy?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 009 ~Peppy Poppy’s Twenty-One Questions~

As the song goes, I got 21 questions; okay let’s be fair, I’m still working on the number. I tried to ask a girl the 36 Questions To Fall In Love Once, but I’m not much to look at I suppose. “Peppy Poppy’s 21 Questions.”

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Episode 009 ~Peppy Poppy’s Twenty-One Questions~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to not believe you; honesty, loyalty, trust, all side notes in a Crazy Little Thing Called Love because I don’t intend on losing my heart again once you found it, my soul, as beat up and as damaged as it is. Maybe those are my first two questions. You have the heart to look for both, and when you found them, I trust you to take care love.

Don’t worry I’m not jonesing to ask you “21 Questions” I don’t even know what all those questions would entail since I continue to ask you only one and that’s why… what did I say about believing in you? I guess you could ask me the same thing, why should you trust me, being a fiction writer with my ideas, are these my desires, what do I truly believe in, seeing I tossed away faith? It’s Only A Paper Moon, it’s only Lady Luna, another way to live, to see beauty in the darkness, to pay the bills, though that last one was a bit harsh, I suppose people have lied to my face far too often. Writing can be scary, or so I’m told, but that only shows that it’s sincere, and you can believe me when I say writing is what I do. I do it because I love it and I’ll let you know I love you every day, I’ll write it down, and I will show it today, forever and always.

That’s all I Ask Of You, that you do the same, and I’m not asking for a full-blown work of art… am I honestly calling my work that, but that’s something, will you tell me what works and doesn’t, will you tell me if I scared you, will I wake up to I love you? When you walk away and make a promise with a sultry smile can I believe it, when you ask me something do you wish for an honest answer; when you stood by my side, was that forever and a day? How about when you’re peppy can I trust that to be accurate and would you tell me if you were hurt and if I’m in pain how I imagine that you would keep trying even if I were mad, also if I turned you away, still if I said I didn’t believe you baby girl?

“I held him close and said nothing, all the while telling him silently that he was loved. Oh, but he was loved.” — Me Before You

More than anything I want to believe you, I want to believe in you when I don’t even trust myself: you and the dog, and that our children love us, because being with you makes me happy; if I ask you 36 Questions To Fall In Love, Back At One or Peppy Poppy’s 21 Questions.

“I know we can do this. I know it’s not how you would have chosen it, but I know I can make you happy. And all I can say in that you make me… you make me into someone I couldn’t even imagine. You make me happy, even when you’re awful, I would rather be with you – even the you that you seem to think is diminished – than with anyone else in the world.” — Me Before You (2016)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 003 ~To Hell With Independence~

Independence Day when even the freedom to be yourself can burn you, or you freeze in fear, Land of the Free, Home of the Brave indeed but I’m not a political type of guy but hey neither is Trump, issues. To Hell With Independence.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Episode 003 ~To Hell With Independence~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason to stay here, how about my dog is comfortable, I didn’t get to sleep until three in the morning truthfully, or The First Purge is closer than you think; been there saw that. How about to Hell, have you never seen it, felt it, known it, I was there last night because as I told “Indiana Gone” Hell is repetition, and so you Put One Foot In Front Of The Other and leave.

Not all those who wander are lost.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

You see my sin here is that if we honestly wanted freedom and independence, why by my free will is a place like Hell permitted to exist, I’m talking about the shame I felt yesterday, tears cascading down my face did nothing to quench my thirst. How the blood boils and what about a witch’s brew the things that one can conjure in a man, now isn’t that a story idea? People in Hell want ice water and release but none was to be found, while I was busy writing before the new day’s sun there was desire burning desire, Alexa Bliss if I am to be specific, and talk about anger… I missed Smackdown.

Hell can also be isolation, in an attempt to escape my shame, my guilt, and most dire is the fear, when you don’t know anything and at the same time everything, the man in the mirror, on the page, right in front of them and you might as well be one of The Walking Dead. There are the days I feel so cold that I can’t help but stay in bed wrapped up, waiting for that fire of other people’s madness to force me from the house, only so I’ll freeze in terror. It’s when my eyelids feel so heavy from the tears that I don’t shed or that my life all these years is stuck, or maybe like when I was a kid taking swimming lessons, and I never got anywhere, but somehow I was able to keep breathing.

Moving because of fear is not freedom, standing because I believe I have no choice is not free will and living because someone else permits it is not independence, and then I ask myself do I want to be free? Forgive me Inspector Echo that I don’t want the answer to that question either though I have yearned for that one true freedom only if there is a God that’s one thing, there is a Hell, and I burn, I freeze, To Hell With Independence.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 361 ~Dare To Be Stupid~

Rob Thomas sang once, “I Feel Stupid” and when I feel that “I feel angry” and if I had a “Creed” to live by it’s the fact that “I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.” It would be water “Under The Bridge” thank you YouTube. Dare To Be Stupid.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Lesson 361 ~Dare To Be Stupid~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again if I choose not to, if anything I’ll be worse, they’ll think what they wish and believe whatever they want to believe, and again I walked away and why is that? In these final days, hell it’s not like I’ll stop writing, but this has nearly been one year and do you remember why I started because one bitch called me “skeevy” and Here I Go Again because some girl called me stupid… okay implied it, whatever.

Now notice I’m no one to be calling anyone names considering my habits in the bedroom, I’ll name a girl everything under the sun but as I’ve said, my mother raised a gentleman somewhat, I always pay for outings, (unless she owes me money), I cook, I clean. See I want to say I sound like a bitch, but that’s wrong too; if I call someone that nine times out of ten they’re “barking” without knowing a damn thing and how can I defend myself against being called skeevy, a pervert, a stalker, #metoo movement dammit. Didn’t I hear somewhere that profanity is a good sign of intelligence, hell or a sign of stupidity and that’s my sin, you know it wasn’t always lusting once before it was stupidity, every word out of my mouth, every word written, indeed who I am but how do I fight against it forever?

It doesn’t matter again right, so I hurt her, I believe I hurt others, honestly, Inspector Echo when it’s a crime to be you what do you do. In this day and age, it’s a crime to be black, but that hasn’t bothered me, in my life as Dr. King put it, it’s the content of my character. Yes, another reason to be a writer because I create characters, but I don’t know who I am because when I was a child that was stolen from me by my father and I became STUPID and why do you think I always ask questions because the answer from every single person is the same. Isn’t that an epiphany and what set me off, perhaps I should thank “Cherry” or at least talk to her again, my mother always said I take out my pain on others guilty or not, we cannot learn without pain, another rule.

People talk about burying the hatchet, and that doesn’t bother me as long as I get to shovel everything else of them as well, ditch diggers aren’t stupid people Inspector Echo, even that takes math. I’m sorry that a year has nearly passed and a bitch is still a bitch, can I be forgiven on how I went off on “Dear Future Wife,” I’m sorry for just finding my button, I’m sorry for my rage but to let it all go requires something I refuse now, Dare To Be Stupid.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 243 ~Don’t Pretend To Be~

I don’t want to pretend, but I wouldn’t mind dreaming just a little bit more, and I have plenty of ideas, only I don’t want to lie, and she shouldn’t lie either or even want to lie at all. Don’t Pretend To Be; orgasms are not optional.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Lesson 243 ~Don’t Pretend To Be~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, for no matter what costume I decide she wears, where I choose, or what lesson she must learn, she will always be mine. If you don’t know me by now, lying is a pet peeve. Now I know I lie, and that is why I regularly have to reinvent myself and others, but as I heard in porn once, your naughty bits always understand what they want, vote with your crotch and all that, just saying.

When it comes to the bedroom women don’t like to fake it, and neither do I, maybe it makes me a mean person, but I don’t just take any woman to my bed, and before there is an uproar, many women would feel the same way about a guy like me. Now a costume doesn’t say I like the person any less but hell, if you knew the hours I’ve spent trying to find the outfit a certain pornstar wears or the stories I would want a woman to cosplay… Sick Fux Dolly, anyone? Let me also say this; I won’t be a lackluster lover either, people say I don’t communicate ever, sex and power. Could be one in the same and violence and not against lovers, but when I’m not in my playroom, I’m in my “playroom” GTA, The Last of Us, Until Dawn, speaking of TLOU, yeah I have some fucked up fantasies.

While I would like to have mutual fantasies, that’s optional but orgasms… as I said I refuse to be mediocre, I want to know I get a woman off and if I can’t that’s probably the only time I’ll take a lesson from a submissive. I will educate a submissive on what I like, but there should never be a question of whether she wants to be with me, that should be as easy as breathing, as necessary as food, as high as any drug, and as welcome as a glass of ice water in Hell. Of all the things women accuse me of; when I want somebody, I go all in and only stop when I hear a safeword or when I obviously admit I’m honestly a complete moron.

I don’t pretend to be perfect, but when it comes to these things I don’t pretend to be the sweet guy either, and the last thing I want is a submissive who indeed isn’t such a woman for me and so, Don’t Pretend To Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 139 ~Because Books Become Beguiling…~

Write, Wow, Win, I feel a new rule coming on at some point but shouldn’t ever word now be going to those 50,000 that I owe… well not really anybody, just like these lessons that I’m apparently not learning, as Because Books Become Beguiling

Friday, November 17, 2017

Lesson 139 ~Because Books Become Beguiling…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
No Fear because every day I doubt all the more truly I could ever write such a title and yet the dream remains, forever the dream, how many words am I supposed to have written for “NaNoWriMo” by today and with my current schedule as is *sigh*.

It doesn’t take much to write excuses does it or even talk to you, no I’m not trying to be mean though I’m sure a girl here or there would call me as such. Here I am trying to write a 50,000-word novel and I can’t even reply to a few simple text and I actually fell asleep today, the “5-hour Energy” is still working, I didn’t take it before because… Yeah, fill in the blank with whatever you want when it comes to that, talking about my warped creativity.

What do I find inspires me lately… I already fell off the wagon as of late but I have been finding my anger fuels me quite a bit, I feel, my day job knows all about my “epic” rants and that’s been awhile too. As for my current reading list, “Shiver” by Ella Frank and Brooke Blaine, and I don’t mean this as a criticism but it is honestly the gayest thing I ever read, Gay Dark Erotica, of course, I didn’t know that when I first picked up the title, read between the lines or read the fine print why don’t I. Talk about beguiling because in my life there have been perhaps three books I just couldn’t finish.

Maybe I’m just stubborn when it comes to this one and if only I could be as stubborn when it comes to my own writing, because charming, beguiling, debonair, what have you is not what I have been doing lately. It’s been about banging my head against a wall or more to the point… oh yeah, I have to be somewhat diplomatic talking to you, probably the only real practice I have been getting with my writing lately just saying.

I will never say that any book disturbs to be burned, people sure but ideas, even bad ones show us something, even if we are the worst off for it if they come rushed, and unlike some words said, writing means… isn’t that a question, what does writing mean. Perhaps people will never know because my words belong somewhere else but others in the end maybe “Because Books Become Beguiling…”

I Will Have No Fear