Log 015 ~Will Needs A Mirror~

I don’t think a girl has ever asked me, “does this dress make me look fat” and I learned from Cory Matthews never to tell the “absolute” truth about everything, I guess it pays not to be a prize myself. “Will Needs A Mirror.”

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Log 015 ~Will Needs A Mirror~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Millionaire right now, so why not several mirrors? The first time I even bought a mirror for myself was when I got my first place. I did a few weeks of basic training in the Navy after that my first retail job. People don’t like it when it looks like you don’t iron or covered in dog hair. If anything I felt that when I found you, the apocalypse would have begun. You know me baby-doll, considering my profession I’m all kinds of shallow.

It keeps going back to I don’t want anyone ever to feel like I did or still do? I was thinking about why I wanted to be a father, and while I do “copy” him, I want more money. The thing is I don’t want our children to ever hate themselves because of something I said. To feel so low that they never feel the need to look in a mirror. Heads hung low, minds so dark that they can’t see who they are ever. Looking in their wallets or hiding in words to say, “at least I’m not that evil.” I want pictures on the fridge, notes in lunch boxes and picnic baskets. I want their rooms decorated in all the things they love in life. So I’m back to the point of if I were a rich man. Well, I am, but what do I know about art, dancing, and can you plant black roses, The Hunger Games?

As the song “I just wanna look good for you,” and I should apologize if I’ve made you feel pressured like that My Love. I do love how you sing, though. Again back to my point because if it were up to me, I’d still be looking at blank walls. If it weren’t for you, my life goal would remain to stay here at home. You don’t keep beauty to yourself though; it should be to share with the world. One more reason I became a writer, and everything else fell into place. I don’t need mirrors if my children see me as well, is Superman too much to ask or Black Panther? If you see me and want me, everyone can go to Hell baby-girl. I’m praying I guess to see myself how you and the children see me when I feel so bad.

Who sells the best, my profession, Will Needs A Mirror.

“I’m not sure. But I always read that you had to be OK with yourself first before you could be OK with another person. Now I feel OK with you. But I don’t know how OK I was with myself before I met you, so maybe you’re making me OK.”

“You’re not that OK.”

“OK.”

  • Defending Your Life (1991)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 315 ~A Million Dollar Will~

Money over everything I heard in a song but first that starts with printing some books however the only sheets I seem to be interested in are the ones in my bed and what does that say about me. A Million Dollar Will

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Episode 315 ~A Million Dollar Will~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, and you must be since you gave your word to a girl. The things men will do when the mere idea of getting laid comes to mind. Anything and everything and you got four months. Now the question becomes what you would do to get that million? It’s not that you don’t believe in miracles, and if anything, you shouldn’t consider it such. It’s the way things ought to be “Dig It.”

I wish there were some form of righteousness or being woke as the kids say these days. Only it all comes backs to Breasts, Ta-tas, and Boobs. Now you have to prove you have the brains, testes, and bucks to get it done. If not for @TheAliceLittle then to prove you’re a better man than most make you out to be. It’s a constant thought that money can make anyone beautiful, brave, and believable, in the eyes of others. Still, to see yourself in a certain way, of course, we always go back to life goals. A million dollars will be the start of your new life. Remember when there was that list of everything you could do. Right here and now are instead these same old Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 033 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 040 No Fap)
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
    Failed
  3. I Will Name My Novel And Write A Back Cover Of It
    Failed
  4. I Will Review Crave (Addicted To You #1) K.M. Scott
    Failed
  5. I Will Get Out Of Home & Kid Shifts
    Failed
  6. I Will Finish Reading The Five by Lily White
    Completed

I have no clue how #1 is unbroken with today’s viewings. Let’s see, Eddie908 (XVideos), Lucie Bee, Lucie Wilde and of course Alice and Ruby. You need the will to keep your hands on your keys and not down your pants. I’m offering you one million dollars to do that. A freaking forty days you haven’t broken. Only you’re wasting money because you’re not following Brainbuddy. You’re continually watching that harlot whose offering videos on Twitter. What about how you miss sleep I know. You wouldn’t do it for your mother. Nearly forgot about Mother’s Day. Now at this rate, B III is the only grandchild she’s getting from you. There is also your future wife and daughter. Be a better man, Six Impossible Things.

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 040 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
  3. I Will Name My Novel And Write A Back Cover Of It
  4. I Will Review Crave (Addicted To You #1) K.M. Scott
  5. I Will Not Hold Conversations In Bed; Minus Today
  6. I Will Finish Reading Breaking Beth by Jennifer Bene

Money, Power, Women, but you want to skip to number three of Tony Montana’s lifestyle. Sigh I don’t mean to be a downer, (positive vibes) but you’re not even reading today. Well only to finish The Five by Lily White. Every day you sing If I Had A Million Dollars. How do you plan to get it? Dirty stories but not A Million Dollar Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 308 ~Thought I Saw Will~

I did not mean to go so dark but when you go from thief to slave, to joke, and the nothingness begins to regain an appeal, but I’m feeling that hole with cash because money makes me Happy, bury me with it, Thought I Saw Will.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Episode 308 ~Thought I Saw Will~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, and so are you. So you need not be a thief but lo and behold out of the mouths of babes. Some little boy takes one look at you and says you’re robbing the store. Some adults are like that too. Do you remember 1998 when McWane Science Center opened? Now you’ve heard worse and even more so Will. Okay I know you’re keeping up the positive vibes “Easy Street” and all that. Your motivations teach that you must let the past go but always remember where you came from so ahem…

You see the trick is you’ve never known such places. The BITCH (Language) had you hiding out in her garbage because you were skeevy. The Rainbow Girl, hell, not a clue there. The Harmonic War, well. Your “father” might have done you a service, telling you. Indeed showing you that you were nothing, less than that. I’ve said it so many times before; you don’t look in mirrors; only when you get caught? You’re horrified by what you see. So you write, you make money, you do anything and everything to avoid knowing who you are. Your every meme becomes a battle, every idea the definition of thought crime. Words dismissed like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 026 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 033 No Fap)
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
    Failed
  3. I Will Name My Novel And Write A Back Cover Of It
    Failed
  4. I Will Review Crave (Addicted To You #1) K.M. Scott
    Failed
  5. I Will Enter The Mythic March Short Story Contest
    Failed (Missed The Deadline, Can’t Do)
  6. I Will Finish Reading The Five by Lily White
    Failed

Today you were listening to Brainbuddy, and it said to visualize your enemy. Wow, that’s too damn easy. Again look in the mirror, and you see who you are trying to beat. Who you have to destroy, the man you never want to see again. These days you see a man whose pockets are so fat that he can have everything. Pay off the dentist to fix him. Be the number one fan of cosplayers. Have that fantasy at the Peppermill Resort in Reno. If I say it enough and believe that. I’ll be that author, pimp, hotel owner, The Director and it all starts with these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 033 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
  3. I Will Name My Novel And Write A Back Cover Of It
  4. I Will Review Crave (Addicted To You #1) K.M. Scott
  5. I Will Get Out Of Home & Kid Shifts
  6. I Will Finish Reading The Five by Lily White

I saw you though Hugh Hefner, Dennis Hof, Jimmy Stephans. Some guys over in Europe, I’m better off not naming. Todd Michaels, S. Wolf, and still I ask the question, erase everything you could dream of and who are you, Will. It always boils down to that one moment in your senior year of high school, a minute, less. That would explain plenty, focusing less on money but that moment I Thought I Saw Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 257 ~Will Deserved Love Letters~

When I think back to when I was in college, the first girl I ever “love.” did me the service of rejecting me, others called me names and most even blocked me outright or had me begging and pleading. Will Deserved Love Letters and now I “write” books.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Episode 257 ~Will Deserved Love Letters~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t tell anybody a damn thing. It keeps bucks in your pocket, prevents blocking. Yeah, the police can’t put you behind bars. Only what do I tell myself in the future, seeing as how it’s Tuesday now. Next week will suck.

Let’s focus on the positive. I can say such beautiful things to a young lady. I’ll have her falling head over heels in love. Her panties are hitting the floor, in a word YES. Just not to me. Several other gentlemen are quite happy. That’s more of a reason to run a brothel. I’m no one to compare a woman to a summer’s day anymore. More like a Brazzers or Reality Kings model. Have you seen them, and of course that gets me blocked. I have sung to a girl. Think of the sweetest things. Butterflies, Rainbows, Pokemon and in every one of these examples I’ve never spoken of love. Not even like, but I do have an L for myself, and that is Loser.

I know Lady Sophia I have to stop. Come to think of it though did you CANCEL BRAINBUDDY. Again I’m writing from Tuesday, but this app was an act of love for myself. So far I like it but still confused, Erotica, Nakedness, Pinterest. Do they count as porn? Still not giving it up but a day clean? Today I went ahead and ordered my PS4. However, Walmart is a pain in the ass and no not from Cupid. So you wonder why I don’t believe in happiness. More like WORK, though today has been a significant setback. I didn’t read earlier, but I did go through the “Morning Routine.” Only yesterday I got so much done, but I’m tired.

At the day job all I kept thinking about is how someday I’m going to write how I love myself. Sophia the first part of that is writing. Every word that costs me a second of sleep is telling me, you are loved, wanted, alive. When I write my bestseller, I’m going to be signing autographs, books, and checks. I’ll make business deals, buy my land, the labor force, and LADIES. No, they’ll be filling my inbox, knocking my doors down. But their doors are open. I’m never going to stop writing Lady Sophia. Even with my restaurant, love hotel, and then my movie studio. I want to be “Pure Taboo” and “Fetish Network” even more so. The payoff, I’ll look at myself in the mirror. My beautiful wife with our kids. Little B III still on guard duty. Yes, I’ll know I was loved. But Will Deserved Love Letters.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 141 ~Making Money Is Always Necessary~

One guy pimped women, another shared stories, and if you asked me what my dream job is, I’d like to combine the two, more so have a brothel of storybook heroines “Giggity,” but women want the guys on the covers. “Making Money Is Always Necessary

Monday, November 19, 2018

Episode 141 ~Making Money Is Always Necessary~

Fifty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars; the perfect question for this week but I can answer how not to, stacking boxes for four hours, hard-tagging shoes for a couple more, buying McDonald’s, and killing off what remains of the ant population both outside and in. On the other hand, somebody is making millions, billions probably not lifting a damn finger and my fingers today black keys, black “ants,” and perhaps being a black man is hard enough, but I don’t want to get all racial in this piece, how else does one Run This Town?

Didn’t somebody once say that it takes money to make money, not if you’re a woman; is today going to be a political issue; I need something with which to ignore the coming holiday known as Black Friday. Can you imagine the people we would be if money weren’t always the issue, perhaps it would be more so if I had plenty of it but I would trade the problems of never having enough for the single concept of wanting that much more? I think I’ve spoken plenty about what I would like to do to get it; I just put another 1800 words down for my novel titled Pay Two Plague. I still want to acquire a brothel, and why I don’t have the body, and a harem takes time, “B III’s” face could sell anything, the whole world loves him, okay this street.

So am I making any real plans, you know that despite writing down my goal every single day there are times I forget about it, I think it’s what they call, the forests for the trees, struggling for the day instead of September next year (goal date). I would honestly have something to celebrate because the most I have to look forward to this week would have to be free food and several others are looking at that with gratefulness in their hearts. I’m sure my pests are all kinds of grateful ha, and as for me, I am thankful. Mostly it’s that moment I’m leaving the day job, and I didn’t get fired, when I finish the bare minimum writing, for not having to live a few hours though I’m still breathing on my pillow, of course, Madam Justice.

I’ve said this before, that I wish I had the same drive that has me rushing out of the house for the day job in every other facet of my life but instead I’m like one of these little ants crawling, ingesting poison, watching other’s like me dropping, with some dark face glad for my demise. Someday I’ll stop talking about this, like Detroit: Become Human, NaNoWriMo is only a month and the worst day in store history will end but like The Purge *sigh* Making Money Is Always Necessary.

“If Purging really worked if everyone actually got better wouldn’t we stop needing it?” Penelope Guerrero, The Purge (TV Series)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 134 ~It’s Okay If They Don’t…~

Why do people even care, is my face not enough, my anxiety, how I move or talk, and today I’m getting all these personal questions, and I would say I don’t want to talk about me because Hell the don’t get me. “It’s Okay If They Don’t.”

Monday, November 12, 2018

Episode 134 ~It’s Okay If They Don’t…~

Fifty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars? If anything don’t apologize for how you make it, Tupac Shakur said it best “whether rhyme or crime I’m getting mine” but here’s the thing, if you’re going to be a worker be the best damn worker. If you’re a thief, then accept it; pornstar, writer, jock, don’t be sorry. My General Manager told me once that people didn’t get me *sigh* I should have said “where in my job description it is written I have to help people understand me hmm” so don’t.

Being honest this is the second half of Rule 057: They Don’t Understand Your Shit; so the premise is that people won’t understand you regardless of it being good, bad, or otherwise, you have to be okay with you. If it means, you have to cut people out, or they walk away, don’t change for nobody; my “father” used to tell me to be myself, and he didn’t like me, to this day I meet people he knows, and they say “I didn’t know he had a son.” I’ve grown to accept my status as an “Unperson,” and the thing is people don’t understand why anyone doesn’t want to be like them; have you seen how many “Trumps” we have?

I’ve also told you about how tired I am saying sorry because in a way it merely serves as another excuse for things that I know nothing about and even if I do we all handle things differently than others. One of my coworkers was telling me about his dog passing away, his love leaving him, his truck finally giving up on him and what am I supposed to say, what knowledge can I impart *ahem* Will’s Writings, Witticisms, And Wisdom, ironic hmm? If something happened to “B III” the last thing I would be doing is working, can’t say a girl I love has left me, I’m perpetually studying that word, and I have two cars and as long as I’m not staying at my parents’ house on Thanksgiving…

Finally, it’s the idea that people aren’t okay with themselves and their “Stuff And Thangs” so they have to make something wrong with you, so they appear normal, and the sad thing is, the world in which I have come to understand makes them “Average Joes.” The big question, is it okay if I don’t understand me, do I understand my shit; my answer is a resounding “Hell to da Naw,” and one day I have to look into the mirror and say, it’s okay if I don’t know and It’s Okay If They Don’t…

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 212 ~If You Can’t Love, Understand~

Why do I hate you is the most common question but when is the last time I asked the man, staring back at me why do I love you and before I ask him to change his ways I must understand why he is the way he is. “If You Can’t Love, Understand”

Monday, January 29, 2018

Lesson 212 ~If You Can’t Love, Understand~

Seventeenth Rule Madam Justice,

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” Sun Tzu

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, or I won’t be once I finally understand the man I see in the mirror every day; love him, probably not but to get to know him… there’s a possibility. It gets harder to show kindness with each day passing and hate can be just as tricky but to understand, I believe that will save lives more than anything else.

Look at “Battle For The Planet of The Apes” there was an ape named Mandemus (The Keeper of Caesar’s Conscience and Armory) and before one could acquire a weapon you needed to explain why. I joked with a friend once that by the time you got past him you would have forgotten what you were mad at in the first place and thus tragedy would be avoided. The Jedi are without a possessive love but where they failed is their fear to understand the Dark Side, denying an enemy exists does not negate the enemy. Instead, you must contemplate why it is so to hate.

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” ― Verbal, The Usual Suspects (1995)

Keeping in mind animals are so much better than us, I don’t know how my dog knows, but when I’m sad he comes to cuddle, if I’m hurt somewhere, that becomes his focus. If I lock myself in the bathroom, he sits beside it, even offered me a blanket once. In that same token if someone attacks me the only understanding he needs is, somebody he loves is in danger, and so he fights; that’s the rub we don’t have to like everyone or love, but we must understand. If anything that’s the reason we’re still here, the human race, we have turned following the who, what, when, why, and how into science, religion, and art but it only buys us continuation a moment more.

So as Michael Jackson put it, I’m starting with the man in the mirror, when I understand him, and I mean genuinely acknowledge I can then decide to love or to hate, but man and especially woman are so damn complicated. I can’t touch a star, but I can build a rocket ship, I haven’t killed anyone but I can dig a hole, and it’s quite easy to buy a gun, that just got dark.

My point is how can I hate him for being a loud mouth while I’m understanding my quiet, how can I hate her words when I can’t define myself, I hate her looks but can’t embrace what I see in my mirror, one must understand, If You Can’t Love, Understand.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

I said once that if I could have any superpower I would like to be invisible, doesn’t honestly help with the ladies and no not for the reasons you might think but then again knowing me. “Not The Invisible Man.”

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, I am here, I am still right here, and you are one of few people that might be comfortable with that sentiment being honest though I wonder where you are. When we’re apart, while you’re dreaming right here next to me when you look at me what do you see?

Maybe I’m too touchy-feely as they say, both emotionally and physically, an exact opposite of Rogue from the X-Men or as the song goes, more than words. I’ve always said, if you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the job don’t touch me, don’t stand so close to me and then here he is and here you are. Maybe I’m afraid that, invisibility had become my superpower and it was the power I chose, so much so that I felt you might never find me and when I noticed you, was I creepy?

So it’s in the moments that I don’t have to wonder, while I’m lying here dreaming, and then I feel your touch, and I know that I don’t have to dream alone anymore. The first time we kissed and then the kiss after that and the one after that, no words, no sight, only the touch, the taste, and I behold the most beautiful thing ever. When I feel your arms wrap around me from behind and I know I’m alive, I’m a man with the most beautiful girl, I’m yours, now and always love.

Back to back, side by side, how do you do it, I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but when you don’t look at me at all, I become the most real, the most like myself, and I’m still trying to figure that out. I’m not the invisible man but what power must I have, whatever do you see in me every day and I know I must ask you all the time, I want to, I need to, and when I don’t you just understand.

You take my hand in yours; you lie beside me, you treat as though I’m air, more than this like you rather drown in me and I know I can’t take my eyes off you, or my hands but I try because with you I see myself. I know I want to be that man worthy of you every time I look into the mirror when I look into your eyes, so what’s my power if Not The Invisible Man.

I Will Have No Fear

Some People, NOT Me

Do I still question how they see me; to be honest they barely do anymore except the occasional text to see that I’m still above ground, still they’re dirty little secret, even from myself nowadays. “Some People, NOT Me”, I’m my own worse critic.

Some people… more than one
Laugh and fear and hate… me
For fun?
My crime is making a “we”
When I’m they’re son
Not the whole world, see

Just some people… not just a few
Over twenty-seven years
Make it their mission for me to lose
The cause of all my tears
Should have been born blue
Maybe I wouldn’t get the sneers

Of some people… more than a dozen
Flesh and blood, a “family”
Mommy, Daddy, Sister, Cousin
Don’t make me happy
Brothers, sisters, all the others
Skin like theirs… no one like me

Because of some people… not most
Look at me, like a diseased rat
Make me doubt, so I don’t know
And tear me down with their attacks
Hate my birth and make me want to go
Not Muslims, Republicans, I’m talking at

But some people… and not the whole damn world
Those from royalty, to slavery, to today, and me
Ashamed and filled with hate for sure
And why shouldn’t I be
Say I’m worthless and I’m no good
The man in the mirror, that I see

Some people won’t understand
They and I are enemies
Dare I say, “I AM A MAN”?
Who is it that cannot see?
My character they cannot stand
And who am I supposed to be
“You people” won’t understand
Some People, NOT Me

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

Nothing you want to see here unless you like laughing which is the usual response or something plenty worse. Funhouse, I didn’t look to go out so I’m definitely not going in but then again my head is a fun house or madhouse, I can’t decide.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Lesson 021 ~Funhouse~

Hey Lady Lu,
There shouldn’t be any filters, uncensored, raw, but you know the last time I was like that, other than writing, it was a trip to Walmart. Now nine times out of ten I have no faith in mirrors the lesson today is how they’re unnecessary but this trip to the store was eye quite opening.

“That’s you, you’re ugly” I probably sound like some teenage girl but that’s what I said to myself and guess what, I left the dressing room and bought the pants. Haven’t gone clothes shopping since but the fact that that I faced that one moment, could I “Call It Courage”; a good book by the way at least when I was a kid. When I was a kid… there are times I don’t even remember when there was such a time and it explains why my parents never acknowledge my existence to others at all.

You know Quasimodo, the phantom of the opera, the Marquis de Sade, talk about mentors and maybe this explains why I like Halloween, my Topsy-Turvy day. I have worn a mask for so long I forget who I really was beneath it and all that’s left, well just another reason not to look right? The Marquis de Sade was thrown into prison for all sorts of things, yeah I continued that proud tradition in juvenile detention and with my novel, I just refuse to work on, though I have time.

I’ve never been in a funhouse and I don’t ever need to because life is full of mirrors and not one of them reveals anything flattering about me. Not one of them reveals the real me, isn’t that why I have you here, isn’t that what we’re working on daily.

No this isn’t about loving myself but rather being myself but the thing about it is, I wanted to be someone worthy of Ms. Seasons, badass enough to be “Oh K”, the devil to the angel. If anything I need to be okay with myself but again I have no idea who that is, the person I’m reflected as I hate, and most days I feel like I’m going crazy.

“She was nice to me. Gave me something I didn’t even know existed I wasn’t never even able to… buy a woman. Yeah, the way I look” Sin City (2005)

Twenty-one days and I still think about what I said to Ms. Seasons, how she looked at me before and how she must see me now in black and white, not that living color was any better. Only a skeevy type of man though would try what I did and she wasn’t okay with it at all but could I really be that sort of man in the end? As for the good girl I’m taking my time but wondering should I be honest, should I dare, or keep her friendship as just a guy?

I’m still trying to grow up if my bank account has anything to say about it and does money make a man, I know enough about that sort of power. At least I didn’t have to see my “work persona” today, walking Braxton is enough and that brings on a whole new set of worries I’ve brought up before. Along with those is the fact that either I want to be known for my money then it doesn’t matter or I truly am terrified of the man I could be given half the chance because I know this for certain, he isn’t good.

“Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.” – Too Cute, Daria

When you have died as many times as I have of course you live with the damage, I broke my front tooth sometime back at elementary school, I don’t eat enough or work out to fill out and I don’t drink enough to not care about it. Did I mention I’m shallow as Hell, I seek out goodness to balance out my wickedness and with the way I look, how do I desire a goddess?

“There’s a man Ian never got to know, the man he was growing up to be. He’s a good-looking clear-eyed fella… about 25. I can see him. He’s the type of guy men want to be around, because he has integrity, you know? He has character. You can’t fake that. And he’s a guy women want to be around, too. Because there’s tenderness in him… respect… and loyalty, and courage. And women respond to that. Makes him a terrific husband, this guy. I see him as a father. That’s where he really shines. See, when he looks in his kid’s eyes and that kid knows that his dad really, really sees him… he sees who he is. Then that child knows that he is an amazing person. He’s quite a guy… that I’ll never get to meet. I wish I had.” – Chris Nielsen in What Dreams May Come (1998)

Today though what really got to me was just looking at my dog, he’s been with me since I was 21 or 22, making him around 12 but in his years an angry old man and I blame myself honestly.

Why I’m always freaked out about kids because I have raised Braxton and what is he like, as I said angry, frightens easily, he knows how to put on a show, he’ll growl at the one person that loves him the most, he sleeps a lot, he’s me in a nutshell. I love him more than he’ll ever know and I know there would be a better life for him if he wasn’t as screwed up as he is. How does he think I look at him; I feel like such a negligent parent and yet I trust him more and love him more than anything and just hate that I know I’m not good enough, yeah it’s my fault.

“It’s no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
‘Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me” Lit

When I write, even right now talking to you I know I can do better but it will never be enough for me to be satisfied. “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.” or so they say and as Hemingway put it “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know.” thus my problem surely.

“Hell’s waking up every goddamn day and not even knowing why you’re here.” Sin City (2005)

Am I going to talk about love Luna or maybe the meaning of life; one day I want to look at a woman and see the man I hope to be but in my woman’s eyes I want to see that I’m enough, better, best, that she would choose no other, no she doesn’t love my potential, she loves me. I wrote about Bubble from Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets today and how she could be whatever Valerian wanted, like Mystique, maybe this part of the reason I’m a dominant, for another time Luna I’m still Ned Flanders. Yep, Ned Flanders, I’ve been thinking about why I chose him, seeing as how he married Edna Krabappel I might need another role model.

Anyway, what I have learned today is, start with the man in the mirror which means I might have to kill him again, at least face him down, accept him, though Walmart is already a carnival, I have to go back to see the Funhouse.