Log 119 ~Happiness Is Just Being Yourself~

Am I happy today, this second, nope, but I’m still glad; I’m finishing up today, there is food in the freezer, my kid is resting, TWD reactions are badass, and I’m not all horny, the thing is I believe. Happiness Is Just Being Yourself

Monday, October 28, 2019

Log 119 ~Happiness Is Just Being Yourself~

Hundred And Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but does that make me happy? Sometimes I like to think I’m different from other guys, and then I talk to Cherry or MILF Dos. How many mornings has it been where I’ll say I’ll do better? Well, it’s 5:00 PM, and I’m not reading but talking to you. I don’t mean that as an offense, but I should be elsewhere. Hell, I never thought I would make it this far. I hate that it bears repeating, but I’m not suicidal. Today’s lyrics would be, “I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad,” true.

Take, for example, last night, SIGH; I broke my NO FAP rule. Call me crazy, anything but happy, but a woman saying, “I want you to feel me cum on your dick” (LANGUAGE). I know today isn’t Thursday, but that was my unfurling. Sometime this afternoon, I was talking to Cherry about old journals. You remember I wrote some hateful stuff once upon a time and got arrested, Juvenile Detention. Of course, the porno, which is the last journal I showed her, didn’t do me any favors. I might as well be like those guys that send “penis portraits.” I remember what I would write to the Basic Bitch “Skeevy” and even when I tried to be kind like to the Rainbow Girl. The cops have a point; I have the right to remain silent or not considering the company.

There is a song that says, “happiness is a warm gun” let’s not go down that road, though. Sex makes me happy, no doubt. You want me to be happy myself, books, brothels, and bucks. The only three B’s more vital to me belong to my Firstborn. How many times do I need to say it, I want to live the life of Dennis Hof. I could go through quite a few names, but wouldn’t they all be sex icons? My motivations though talk often enough of being happy this very moment. I would be satisfied if I weren’t checking my phone every second of the day. Now didn’t that start in September, perhaps? The thing is, worrying, obsessing, fearing, is all I am. So if these things don’t make me happy, then I don’t like myself wouldn’t you say?

I am trying like hell though Madam Justice, to be a man worthy of happiness. Happiness Is Just Being Yourself.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 232 ~How Do You Want It~

Last week I talked about “Someday” so let’s say “One Day” came, how would I be living my life; I would probably be as confused as ever, but since I’m not looking at a magic lamp, wishes get complicated. How Do I Want It

Monday, February 18, 2019

Episode 232 ~How Do You Want It~

Seventy-Second Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, my first will come from writing no doubt. Wasn’t it last night that “Okay” asked me that if I were to get anything for her birthday, it would be that of submitting a book. My “big sister” asked me to send the short story, we wrote together years back.

Now Tupac asked the question “How Do You Want It.” Will Smith said something to the tune of; if you’re not making another life better, you’re wasting your time. Chris Rock when talking about love says; when you’re a man look yourself in the mirror and say fuck you. My language I know, but he added, now let’s get out there and try to make this bitch happy. Yesterday I asked how do I make myself happy, and again I keep feeling so gross about that. More often than not it’s what I can get away with and not what can I do. Of course, last night was “The Walking Dead,” and I feel like a WHISPERER. They march with the dead and what can they do; anything, that’s death.

“But you invite us to a poker game, hand us a fixed deck and then wonder why we can’t win?” ― The Tuskegee Airmen (1995)

You know Republicans claim God is one of theirs. You get what you get, and you learn how to live with or without and that’s your life, God’s will and all. If we are his children let alone if there is a God then in his image, we are all stupid. I texted Okay that mother is God in the eyes of a child and she loves her children more than anything. With that sentiment, I am my father’s son. He and I can both agree I don’t want to be stupid. An embarrassment, him in general, full of hate, a man who abuses women, or the greatest evil I know in the world. Start of this week I have looked at myself in the mirror and like I talked about stupidity, does everyone hate me? I’m being told to hate myself or do I hate this man before me?

“What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.”

“Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“What… do… you… want? Whaddaya want?” ― from The Notebook (2004)

What do I want Madam Justice in this one moment, I want to be writing my next bestseller? To be sifting through all the files of girls that want to come and work at one of my cathouses. Could I be cutting and pasting pornographic movie scenes? Why do I want this… because this is what I do Madam Justice, I write, I see the world, I know what I believe, and I want to understand. I have a son that needs a better father, friends that have faith in me, a woman waiting for me. Everything that has never known giving or was teased and never offered I’ll take.

“You want me to beg? Okay, I’ll beg. This is the only thing I know I am good at! Don’t take that away from me!” Best of the Best (1989)

So then that central question HOW? By sitting at this table working my ass off and not being afraid to say words because of anyone. Even with my son lying on my lap? On the beach with my family, in my office with beautiful women. How Do I Want It?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 225 ~Someday Is Not A Measurement~

Someday is more than a song I played when I thought I was going back to juvenile detention or winding up in real trouble, and more than the idea of “Happy Thoughts” that should be in my reality. “Someday Is Not A Measurement”

Monday, February 11, 2019

Episode 225 ~Someday Is Not A Measurement~

Seventy-First Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, take it, and no I don’t mean stealing it though there are plenty of “legit” laws on the books to do such a thing, what I mean is I have the right to have a million dollars. You know before talking to you I had a ranting session in my “crazy” brain about the day job and what I didn’t do the last time I was there, which to quote Bob Marley & The Wailers “Get Up Stand Up.”

Now I’ve said for a few days that I do when it comes to the day job, there is no someday, I get up right when I need to, I fight to get there on time, there isn’t a someday I’ll get this right it’s I have to get this right. Someday I’ll be the boss… no, because I don’t want to be; I’ve heard about reigning in Hell, than serving Heaven but honestly I would choose death because there was no someday I’ll kill myself, sleeping pills, Nyquil painkillers, many aspirins. Someday we all die, no one day we all die maybe several times over because for every day that starts with Y we write in someday, and where is that on the calendar, the timestamp, ruler, hell how far is it from the bedroom to this table, to the dining room, to anywhere.

Forever and a day I could quote my MOTIVATIONS or give you another song like “Someday At Christmas” why Stevie, are we talking before, during, or after, how about when I dream of revenge against my father “In The Air Tonight” how old is he again? In 1984 Winston is told that victory against Big Brother in his lifetime is not possible, he will work, do what he can, be caught, confess, and cut from the pages of history, happiness indeed was not a possibility because what happens then. I don’t want to wait until someday to find out, but again we have fear. How will I feel when I get that PS4, perhaps that next day of work, if that mom I asked out says yes, it’s just a thing, mad as Hell, and she won’t, I know that.

Someday I won’t be happy because shouldn’t I be happy now or would I instead call myself out on my language when I curse; when I say someday, what I mean is never, maybe always means no, fear is choosing to be the victim. Madam Justice, I don’t want SOMEDAY, I wish today. I’ll play Detroit: Become Human because I have time, energy, happiness, ONE DAY I’ll tell every manager to fuck off because I don’t need their work, Wednesday or Thursday I’ll have dinner with a remarkable woman and watch a movie, I know Someday Is Not A Measurement.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 086 ~Will We Be Rich?~

Now I’m not saying she’s a golddigger, but the way I dig her and gold as well, though could you get a million dollars cash in a briefcase that would be awesome and yet she carries my heart around. “Will We Be Rich?”

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Episode 086 ~Will We Be Rich?~

Dear Future Wife,
How to make One Million Dollars and I’m sure I told you before, but when I was a child, I thought that two hundred bucks would be enough to solve the 99 Problems I thought I had. While you’re my queen, my love, my goddess, my angel, I’m no King David a.k.a. DMX; I don’t hold much faith in a quarter of a million dollars because honestly we deserve more, our children deserve more, I know it.

I must sound like the typical rapper or worse my father because while I never want to be like him and I’ll deny it should you ever meet him… how long have we been married again, anyway a man takes care of his family without a doubt. Now I will sit here and sing All You Need Is Love, and you make me believe it but God I am becoming my father throwing money at everything and hoping that makes up for how I fail. Caesar was ambitious, and Chris Rock spoke about the difference between Rich and Wealth, and I want to be rich, but with you I’m wealthy… okay, who am I kidding, I want both my love.

I want to tell you every beautiful word in every language, and at the same time your beauty inspires me to write, and if anybody cares to listen, I want my words to set us for life. You know I am one for greed, and I want every breath you take, every beat of your heart, together we’ll make even more, and I never want to fear running out, every day I want to bask not only in This Year’s Love but as many years as we can get. Maybe it’s the idea if I have everything, I get to pick and choose, and I would always want you, not a day in the Hell of an old job, the rage that somehow vanished overnight when my heart became full of nothing but you, how much happiness did you have saved up for us both?

Perhaps it is wrong of me to spend yours. As people say, a man must build Heaven for an angel. Honestly, I was buying my way out of Hell, gathering every dollar I could, dreams to make C.R.E.A.M, from the pages I wrote. I Want To Be Rich, I won’t deny it, but I am wealthy because of you. I am because of my first born, the legacy of our other children and yet I ask Will We Be Rich?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 081 ~Ring A Ding Will~

A woman can help a man find his bravery but don’t mistake stupidity for courage and my how I feel stupid at the moment even with a clear head, but strangely I’m the richer for it even when I picked up the phone and dialed. Ring A Ding Will.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Episode 081 ~Ring A Ding Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How to make One Million Dollars, well first off let me say how happy I am that porn is free or maybe not considering time is valuable and how much have I wasted this week… I should enjoy the clarity while it last. How I’m going to miss that killer instinct though, maybe I shouldn’t say that considering the world we live in, save that for Isaku, Church by Stylo Fantome, and a Playboy subscription, okay so I’m a hypocrite sadly.

I would choose to be a hypocrite than a failure as Mr. Trump can attest to but despite it all, he managed to score Stormy Daniels and please don’t ask me where my hot blonde is but I know I’m serious when I find the courage to pick up the phone and start dialing. Dirty Diana, I tell you that I am dead serious when I’m in my kitchen and a woman texts, and we’re talking about food, and she says burgers are good, but I’ll give you a blow job for your shrimp pasta, and then both are sitting on the table. You know I’m not giving up when I have a closet full of outfits that I sure as Hell ain’t wearing because someday soon I’m going to have some submissive with voluptuous tits, or amazing legs… it was her legs that made me break today honestly.

As you can see I’m “trying” to be all sorts of positive because I broke today but better to do that than to do what I was planning but who knows what will happen when I go shopping today, one of the reasons to like Halloween, wigs, collars, slutty outfits. What, people are already gearing up for Christmas, and I could go all into Dear Future Wife mode, but right now it’s not my heart that concerns me, something else has to get back up along with the rest of me. You know Tony Montana has it right, and I’m still getting it backward, however Dirty Diana when I make my New Year’s Resolutions, one is always, to either have a new woman in my bed for the month or a steady supply of sex.

That’s why I’m up now… on my feet getting back in the ring because come tomorrow, hell some hours from now I’ll be a mess, that is unless I honestly am the man Dirty Diana, somebody knows that I’m the man *sigh* Ring A Ding Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 074 ~The Turncoat Has Will~

From “The Day” to this past week, living all alone in America as a black man, okay sure I have my son but finding a good woman… okay, today is never about finding a good one, but sweet maybe, and so I’ve had to look elsewhere. “The Turncoat Has Will”

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Episode 074 ~The Turncoat Has Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason to feel bad about it, as the song goes; we’re all the same color when we turn out the light, the thing is we’re all looking for that brightness be it a video camera, to be better than who we are or dare I call it love.

“White women don’t bring nothing but trouble.”

“That ain’t white women, but women.”

“That’s your women.” Save the Last Dance

Now before I get zealous, erudite, or racial let’s talk about Colors… of clothes that is because my battle standard is usually black and red, I’ll let Wiz Khalifa do Black And Yellow, though if we were talking a girl in a little black dress or yellow sundress… I’ve found that I like bright colors on women just as you’ll usually see me in black, anything to mix with darkness which seems to be the underlying theme, black and white, salt and pepper and take for example women like Zoe Kravitz and Alicia Keys. To quote another song, I got sunshine, on a cloudy day; now I could go on and on about how I want a woman to dress, but that’s a long story; only a woman that matches me in black, a thought.

How about the whole blonde vs. brunette, I told “Okay” that brunettes always get me going but why; even more so if a woman can go back and forth, for example, this MILF I know or Andrea Logan White. How about Jennifer Lawrence but don’t get me wrong I have a thing for all kinds of hairstyles and colors from redheads to black hair so it must be something else. Still brunettes I mean damn.

Speaking of that or more Damnation as most people will think I’m wrong for this because this past week I’ve been fighting with black men but when it comes to black women I know two good ones, my mom and “Indiana Gone.” When I was young, I had maybe a “fetish” for Asian women, somewhat now, but I wouldn’t call it that anymore but I could see myself falling for such a woman. My idea though of being with a white woman, if anything it is only experience, the idea of repeating the same thing and expecting a different result, and when it comes to black vs. white though I am reluctant to use this word I find umm happiness.

Dressing is one thing, hair color, okay, but it has nothing to do with skin, black people have made it abundantly clear I’m not black enough, worthy of anything, one of them so yeah say You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ while wanting to fuck anyone else well yeah it’s a decision, The Turncoat Has Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 022 ~Things Could Always Be Worse~

Things are getting better; things are getting better every day. Today wasn’t so bad, but I worry and why; when awful is the norm, but you see the light where the darkness ends it’s the sun, stars for wishes, a train. “Things Could Always Be Worse.”

Monday, July 23, 2018

Episode 022 ~Things Could Always Be Worse~

Forty-Second Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason things could always be worse, from fighting so hard to have a voice and then not liking what you have to say, to deciding you’re going to stand up but having nothing to stand for, from getting up early and not accomplishing anything. I don’t mean with us Madam Justice; I could be enjoying an extra hour of sleep seeing as how the day job awaits but I’d Rather Be With You, do you feel special?

I could be worrying about a million things, but I’m here now, and the world doesn’t feel like it’s falling apart, last night, for example, was worse, customers, the bastard I work for, other employees, I can honestly appreciate changing one mind more than several. According to all of those motivational speeches, you have to believe that the future will be better than the past which I find accurate, so how about my concept that the world will end in the next five minutes, to think an apocalypse is better than now? How about the fact that I have no clue what the day job will bring, good thing I’m talking to you now because who knows the state I will come back in, Angry, Bothered, Confused, A, B, C.

I heard in a movie once that things are getting better every day, a simple idea but again motivational speaking, don’t say failure but “success in progress” instead of things getting worse hold on to what’s getting better. Start each day feeling grateful, and I am, I was able to eat a muffin and drink some water, my version of breakfast but it beats going in empty, we might finish this chat, and I get tomorrow off, meaning time to write. The sad thing is I’m still not sure even at this point would I count dead as worse, but there is plenty I want and considering I’m still Alive there’s time to want everything living or want nothing dying, that is a fair question.

Rule Forty-Two is all about being grateful to the moment knowing that things at least in my life find a way of crashing down so enjoy now but don’t be like Angel and gain that moment of perfect happiness because what happens then? At least it means I haven’t sold my soul to Satan yet… or my “father” didn’t destroy it all because we know Things Could Always Be Worse.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 358 ~Art Thou Happy; Discombobulated~

I’m not happy that’s no secret but something people don’t like hearing about, amongst other things which explains why I don’t talk, well anywhere; places I can go, women I am into, but am I happy, my dog might not be. Art Thou Happy; Discombobulated

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Lesson 358 ~Art Thou Happy; Discombobulated~

To Will:
Can You Love Me Again, to be honest love has not been the theme of this last week, and I only hope you can do better, mostly because of the dog, he needs you, and I need you to… what shake it off, let it go, try it again? Yesterday I was blessed, and tomorrow you will still be blessed but isn’t it ironic to have so much and to want more and you know exactly how to get it, or you have the faith which only adds to such confusion and fear.

Your fears should be tomorrow’s problem but when you were walking the dog this morning, you felt alive, not happy, it’s been so long since you’ve known that, not even satisfied, only you were “living” and with the concept that you could die at any moment. Spiders, snakes, people, hell I feel you, I had my hands on my knife when the AT&T guy showed up so if anything I didn’t want to die and while suicide is always on the table it’s under a stack of books, a pile of candy and the dog’s outside/inside routine. At first, I thought maybe we wanted to bury the fear from the “Al Bundy Shift” but since that’s finally canceled… why all the options and the list, of course, Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 99** No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 106** No Fap)
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. I Will Not Get Fired
Completed
4. I Will Complete 75% Of Psychopath’s Prey by V.F. Mason
Completed
5. I Will Post A Review For “The Prophet” By Celia Aaron
Completed
6. I Will “Edit” One Hundred Poems “The Bedroom Soapbox”
Completed

You Always Hurt The One You Love,” this is the second week, and even now the little boy is annoying you, another reason you’re a writer because you want to remember and not hurt him with some hasty word you can’t recall. Much like a pretty girl, I never forget a beautiful face “As Pink As Lily,” “Ariella Ferrera” (Ariella’s Areolas), “Lucy Blew,” “Alyssa Branch,” “Belle Noire” (Nasty Noir), “Cassandra Sarbeck” (Lady’s Night Blow Out) how many of these are mine and how many are yours? Too many damn options, it’s like you’re being torn apart at the seams trying to fill the void of however you were before, again why you’re a writer, listing memories and Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 106** No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The Friend My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Not Get Fired
4. I Will Complete 25% Of “The Church” by Celia Aaron
5. I Will Post A Review For “Psychopath’s Prey” By V. F. Mason
6. I Will Write A Thousand Word Preface Page For “The Bedroom Soapbox” Compilation

So the question is how do you cure your discombobulation, you need focus and discipline obviously on your craft, but you keep looking at the destination instead of the journey, captured by the past and shuffling towards the future. Happiness is nowhere for the moment, only desire, want, need; you’re sacrificing the wrong thing when it comes to your dog, no you must find something else to lose because I ask Art Thou Happy; Discombobulated?

I Will Have No Fear

The Good Sip Anger

If anything I’m angry that I had to censor this or that I felt I had to censor this, I think I need a drink, but of course, I have never been a big drinker anyway. The Good Sip Anger, to put out this fire or to make it manageable.

Smoke coming out of my ears
A dragon’s tongue goes unheard

Never freed, as a mind is a terrible thing to waste
Just like a really good beer or tea
Bought by, for, about some beautiful stranger

The best you’ll never have
Happiness, joy, rapture, bliss, but who always wins the race
Tears for fears, a deal if you please
But I’ll go home to anger

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

I’m not a fancy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show but as found myself growing angry at the mere thought of my day job I found myself becoming exhausted and the price of all this is happiness? Madness Takes Its Toll I don’t make enough to sacrifice joy

Monday, September 11, 2017

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, though it comes cheap, hell it’s practically free, as the holy rollers say about God, he may not come when you want him but he’ll be there right on time. It’s like taking a flask to work, you have to hide it, you know it’s wrong, and you need it settle your nerves quite often.

It’s one of the reasons I’m getting to you so late today and I never thought of myself as a drinker, but I’m an unusual creature, other people drink coffee to function, alcohol to relax, and who knows what else? They say money won’t buy happiness but as the song goes I’d like a chance to see, how about you tell me where they are handing it out. Maybe that’s why I spend anger like it’s no tomorrow as with my fear you can’t get rid of it, talk about being a rich man today.

“It’s all right, little brother… there are more!” Herger the Joyous, The 13th Warrior (1999)

Just like drinking for a living though, what is the value in it, I could ask myself the same thing when it comes to writing, because don’t people say if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life? I think I told you before, that when I go to work, I get physically ill, sometimes I try to keep it all in my head because I have to do it, and while I’m not sure about whatever I’m doing, I don’t get paid enough to be angry all the time. Six hours today Luna and that’s twenty-four hours I’ve wasted as far as I’m concerned, that’s unless you count anger as making any real profit.

“I’m gonna teach you to HATE spending money. I’m gonna make you so sick of spending money that the mere sight of it will make you wanna throw up!” – Rupert Horn, Brewster’s Millions (1985)

It’s a load of BS that people say happiness lies within, I had the week off and that anger that was dribbling down came back as if I won the lotto and where do I spend the most of it? Honestly, I never thought of myself as one for self-harm, but how many times did I pound my fist into something, how many times did I go and slap myself, always pay yourself first right?

“Anger is more useful than despair.” -, Terminator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Maybe I need to take stock of what makes me happy, grateful of course is one thing I must never forget but happy, isn’t this what happens to drunks. What have I learned today, the price of happiness is time and for some reason, I always seem to be flat broke, Madness Takes Its Toll?

I Will Have No Fear