Tag: Hell

Chronicle 084 ~Reasons To Fry B~

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I have a vegan/vegetarian friend here or there. B III’s Aunt calls me a true Carnivore; this isn’t that type of conversation. As I stuffed my face yesterday with fries, and will do so again. I remember why there are more than usual. Reasons To Fry B.

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Chronicle 084 ~Reasons To Fry B~

235 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only starting, and it’s not because some chick is good mommy material.

I’m sorry, Braxton. We are boys, but I tried to keep that kind of talk away from you. I remember you and your Aunt and how you and I had “The Talk.” Be good, Daddy. Braxton, I don’t think I was. It’s obvious why you’re not here. I’ll never forget why you aren’t ok. So as the Terminator said, “I killed you.” And I didn’t put you, my son, first. Hell, if I was ever up this early, and I wasn’t going into the Day Job, you’d be up like the sun. I noticed that as I was making the bed. Second straight day and I decided to, B III. Usually, I would let you sleep longer B while I went to take a shower.

Is the water hot enough, or am I dreaming up new reasons I’m getting into Hell? As I said, it wasn’t a woman that got me up. I made an accidental discovery yesterday, so fuck. Well, at least it’s only me. And not some indigenous people, the day job (fuck that, BTW), or women. Well, in the instance of reading The Handmaid’s Tale, again trying. Braxton, I finished reading a good portion last night instead of talking to you. We’ll have to continue this conversation later this afternoon. Of course, I’ll bring fries home, Braxton. Did you see I’m saying your name more? I still say it every day with medicine in hand, saying goodbye, and walking in. Whenever I slip up, oh, the pain.

Take yesterday’s first humiliation as an example. I was walking up to the Day Job, and I literally almost slipped and fell, rain and all. Bark at Earnest Hemmingway, Braxton. What right do I have to ask you to do anything for me? Would you stand up to God if I had fallen and broken my neck? You could be saving me a nice warm spot by the fire, ha. Oh yeah, my Treachery, which of course, is a Ninth Circle trespass. Whether it’s something like buying onion rings B III. How about petting a warm doggie at the store? Being with you like this, but I want to be back beneath the covers sleeping. Explains some of my dreams. My Reasons To Fry B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 081 ~Yesterday Was The Easy Day~

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Sad but true, even before Braxton and worse without him. It’s sort of like that movie Office Space. Every day is the worst day of my life except for Emergence, Braxton’s last day, and the Day Job anniversary. Yesterday Was The Easy Day

Monday, September 20, 2021

Chronicle 081 ~Yesterday Was The Easy Day~

Two-Hundred And Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I won’t be writing at the dining room table tomorrow. I’ll be busy with humiliation.

If there’s anything to hope for while I Time Travel today, it’s this. No, not that I’ll see a fur baby at PetSmart Saturday. Today is the farthest from that, being Sunday, and I got another email about a puppy yesterday. Every day I’m farther away from B III, dammit. Um, excuse me, Madam, I need that pain. As I was trying to say, I can only hope I’ve seen the worst humiliations this world has had to offer. Only I know I haven’t. If I were smart, I would be in bed right now, soaking in whatever energy, comfort, peace to be found, yep. Despite all I have done today, the only fact is that Monday will be worse. Dare I become a prophet?

A Realist. As I said before, it will be 232 days without my son when you see this, dear Madam. It doesn’t get easier. I still have yet to see one where I wasn’t crying about him. I’d take that over living like this. It’s a horrible thought to think that Braxton was the lucky one. It should have been me. I’ve said it before that 2020 and being 36 was a cakewalk, piece of cake and easy as pie compared to the moment right now. Let’s look at today, Sunday. Besides talking to you, I got dinner started early. I worked on “Stuff and Thangs.” Madam, I took a shower. I even changed my mind between reading The Handmaid’s Tale and The Red Collar.

Compared to tomorrow or today, whatever. Madam, this whole week is going to suck. Yes, every day will be worse than the last. Braxton’s not here to lie to anymore. I only speak the truth to myself, and when it comes to the day job… I know I didn’t say Another…

“There’s too many men, too many people, making too many problems.”

My fucking Republican tendencies. They want more people until they’re born. More, unless their immigrants. Yes, more unless they have brains. People make the days harder, that is true.

“If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.” ― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle.

I think that’s it… I hate days more than the people. Hating myself the most because Yesterday Was The Easy Day.

232 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 074 ~Survival’s Fact, Life Is Faith~

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I said humanity had a duty to survive but considering the direction we’re going in. I know I’m a bad man, and there have been more than enough days wishing I got what was coming to me. It’s ain’t over for me, Survival’s Fact, Life Is Faith.

Monday, September 13, 2021

Chronicle 074 ~Survival’s Fact, Life Is Faith~

Two-Hundred And Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Every day I say that; such is my faith. But my wallet… I’m mad about twenty bucks.

Hell, I’m angry about math in general. You know that song “What’s My Age Again?” Fucking Emergence Day. I remember where my father was by this age, sigh. Sleeping… nope. Like Sunday, I wake up to see I’ve lost cash on something I never use, something I don’t want. If it’s any consolation, at least it’s better than Yabbos. For the love of money, eh? Speaking of Yabbos, two words, Prom Night. Understand, I’m getting too old for this shit. But Samantha Flair “robbed” me, I’ll have to let Whitney Wright go. Oh, the Yabbos. To have faith in one pair and such faith was misplaced. The others were my bread and butter. What was it I said about feeling good yesterday? Today I’m tired.

Why shouldn’t I be? Do you see what time it is and it’s not for the Day Job? Still, today is all about survival. Most days, I don’t even worry about that much. “Humiliations Galore!” That’s what I want to avoid most days, but of course, today I need to get my haircut. So much for recouping the losses from the thievery. Funny, I think so bad of some chick. Of anybody when I need only say his name. Braxton. Oh, did you think I forgot my son? Talk about Losing My Religion, but we’ll get to that. It’s Day 225. How many more, hmm? As long as I keep myself alive. No, this isn’t living. As always, Madam, these words, are they living, breathing?

It’s like The Scorpion and the Frog, Toad, Boy, Goose, whatever. To cause pain, and yet I had two lives to keep alive, two men that I trusted. If anything, B III had enough faith for the both of us. Honestly, it’s not going back to the days when B III was alive. I want to go back to survival as routine. When I’m not, I hate the man that I am. There’s a rule for that, you know, ok. Rule Four: Hate Will Keep You Alive. Do I need to go into Rule Five? I see why hate is so prominent. As the song goes, I’m only “Human.” That’s in dispute, depending upon who you ask. Braxton isn’t here anymore, but he had/has faith. Survival’s Fact, Life Is Faith

225 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 067 ~Duty Should Not Rule Destiny~

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I can’t promise to do more than survive this week. I didn’t know it was my destiny to be here and if I had my way… Humans have a duty to survive but as far as a “shared” destiny. Braxton should be a part of mine still. Duty Should Not Rule Destiny

Monday, September 6, 2021

Chronicle 067 ~Duty Should Not Rule Destiny~

Two-Hundred And Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and if I had never met Braxton, I’d take that over fatherhood.

So I know today is about Rule 204, but it’s also Day 218 without B III. Yep, I’m not alright. We could also talk about Year 37, but I’d instead cry over B’s death than my waste of life, I know. Because when I dream of destiny, a concept, an ideology, I remember writing Rule 13. “Power Is All That Matters.” Do I believe that this is my destiny? I’m halfway tempted to go all Forrest Gump. “I didn’t know it, but I was destined to be your daddy.” At the same time, if B were still here, I’d have to ask, “What’s my destiny, son?” I have no clue. Fuck, whatever it is, I know it’s not what I did while showering last night.

To quote Rule 002, “You Are Not A Caveman.” Allow me to be one of the “Cool Kids,” and as Xzibit put it, “Man was made to procreate.” So for a while, I have come to believe this sentiment. For me, the epitome of a man is that of fatherhood.

A man must see to his family always and forever. I didn’t need a woman for that; now that’s not anything against women. Braxton’s love. Madam, I had my son. You know how certain people are about animals. Again Braxton. It was his duty to protect me, Madam, but it was his destiny to love me. Did he? Of course. My duty was to provide; my destiny was to love. As The Beatles sang “All You Need Is Love,” Hmm.

If Life is a Game, Love is the Instructions. I was in the Navy for a couple of weeks. Yes, I’m rambling, but my point is I had a duty to my country but a destiny to love all, right? Madam, every day it’s as if I have to write, but I have the destiny to live as a writer. Does that make any sense? A duty to try but my destiny and another song I just wanna be “Successful.” Going back to rule 002. I have to survive. A caveman could do that. What does it mean to live? When’s the last time I felt alive? I don’t mean Fear, Sex, Pain, but good. Sad, but it won’t be any time this week. Survive. Duty Should Not Rule Destiny

218 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 060 ~Young Deaths Equals Older Humiliations~

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This should be a longer, like B’s life. At least I’ll say it. I don’t ask for the young to die so I can make some sort of statement. To think there was a time in my life I wanted to be the Secretary of Defense. Young Deaths Equals Older Humiliations.

Monday, August 30, 2021

Chronicle 060 ~Young Deaths Equals Older Humiliations~

Two-Hundred And Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I wish I had done it sooner. Tomorrow would be good.

Tomorrow as today is Thursday, August 26, 2021. More Time Travel. Now would be a decent time to bring up Rule Number Two, “You Are Not A Caveman.” Only today’s rule is so damn usual in a world of kids dying so old white men can allow plagues, own guns. Hell, I want to be a daddy someday; I was to Braxton. The odds of B III outliving me? All I know is he should have lived longer. That is my failure and my disgrace. Thus my shame. I don’t bury children lightly, not like the men and women I see every day on TV. I don’t want to get all political, Madam; I want to be real, but manhood’s purpose is family. That’s a man to me. Be that.

I’m a man, as Nicolas D. Wolfwood put it. With the loss of my child, yeah, I said it. Braxton, “He’s My Son.” With his death, I’m not like… Do you remember Hurricane Katrina? Black people lost their homes, and then they were made out to be refugees? Politics Madam. Anyway, I was never meant to make it this far. I’m about to be thirty-seven and with what I’ve done. Years of suicide attempts, not now. The lot of them I tried to hurt my father. It’s not like he would have cared, but maybe Madam maybe, shock, humiliation, failure. There was no shame when Braxton left me, for he fought with everything he had. He wanted to live. I didn’t, like father like son.

My father lives with his shame of a son, and that’s the thing, ain’t it? I live. I would have gladly died instead of my son. I was always worried about leaving B III alone. I talked to B III today (again Thursday), and I had an epiphany about why I’m still eating. Because no one will ever say he died because of his dog. How hard is it for anyone to understand this from Denzel Washington in John Q

“I AM NOT GOING TO BURY MY SON! MY SON IS GOING TO BURY ME!”

People, no, politicians have no shame. The young and the old don’t die for your power. For 211 Days, I would die for love. Others? Young Deaths Equals Older Humiliations

An old man dies. A little dog lives. A fair trade. I love you, Braxton

211 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 053 ~Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder~

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Sum up my job, pick it up, put it down. Boxes, tools, my feet, but B wouldn’t complain if I brought food. Eat first, then let him run around the backyard. I’m cleaning up as if he’ll step off the Rainbow Bridge. “Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder”

Monday, August 23, 2021

Chronicle 053 ~Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder~

Two-Hundred And Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I always have a soft place to land. I swear Braxton quested for comfy spots.

It didn’t take me 204 days to realize he was the cuddliest thing ever. Being as exhausted as I am, I’m always grateful for my head to hit the pillow. Braxton’s fur is long gone. Madam, at this moment (Sunday, August 22, 2021, Time-Travel), I’m in B III’s favorite hoody. His pillow is beneath my feet. Yet I’m cold AF. AC, stupidity, my B’s love? Don’t you think I should look up how to work the thermostat for once? That’s something Dads do, isn’t it? Talk about a lift. For all my failures, I once could say I’m B’s Daddy. Braxton can no longer lift my spirits, and whenever I raise my foot, I’m heading off in the wrong direction. It’s a decision, I know.

When my foot comes down, I wish I was in the ground. Didn’t I say today (again Sunday) that I must be careful with my words. Like wishing I could fly as Braxton does? How many steps must he have taken in his life? I’m 36, 37, but Braxton had four paws for fifteen+ years. The thing is, he appreciated every one of those steps while I hate mine. You ask me what the last step I wanted to take was. Not as profound as what I was thinking because of the truth. Taking Braxton to die, of course. The Hardest steps of my life. After those would be the ones, well, who knows how long it took me to walk after my “Emergence Day.”

Only I keep going, don’t I? I can’t tell you the last step I took that I was happy about. Carolina Bound would be disappointed because, in July, we all went to lunch. My friends. Braxton would be proud that Saturday I went and bought new pruning shears… What’s My Age Again? I’m trying to take care of the backyard. Braxton, come play again, please? I’ve even written it into my budget now to go and pick up lunch. McDonald’s will be pleased with $10. Taco Bell has fries. I need plenty after the Day Job shitshow; I know it. What else do I know? I don’t want to fall on my face; for scams and not in love again. Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder

204 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 046 ~Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally~

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I don’t look at the “Man in the Mirror.” I would have to ask what I have become, and there is no answer for that. Does it matter as I would always say I could do better? B would think good enough. Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally.

Monday, August 16, 2021

Chronicle 046 ~Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally~

Two-Hundred And First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would have no trouble accepting that as a Republican asshole.

To lie, cheat, steal, and kill. Not to get all political this early in the morning cough 7:20 AM. I would sell out for the right price. Speaking to M Anime, I told her that we all have a price tag. It’s called a paycheck. For the record, mine is nowhere near $15.00 an hour. Madam, I take it right, don’t I? I’m not the first to clock in or the last to leave, contrary to my playlist. Hell, those early days of Braxton’s death, I wanted to be anywhere else. Working the Day Job was acceptable. Only I say it every Sunday, the roughest thing with my Six Impossible Things. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am. My Braxton wasn’t delusional.

Delusional, dumb, or dead. 197 days and counting as I refuse to accept the fact that Braxton’s gone. Even if I’m starting to talk to myself again because I can’t even pretend to speak to B III anymore. Every day is a struggle to remain that abstinent, asexual, agamist asshole. The things you learn when you’re looking for the word celibate. Anyway, I must accept what people think of me, so I spend all the time I can, hiding in the house, an asylum. Last night I had a nightmare about how I’ve let the backyard become overgrown for sure. Then it started raining, so it’s not like I can do anything about it now. Who am I kidding, right? I’ve had four days off.

There’s a difference between acknowledgment and acceptance. Notice that the rule says accept and not love. M Anime and Carolina Bound would say they love me. I’m 36, about to be 37, come Emergence Day, my first in 15+ years without Braxton. I’m a failure. Madam, what kind of man relies on his Olds the way that I do. If I didn’t have them, hmm? I acknowledge my failings in all my dealings and being a father, but I have yet to accept it never. If for any other reason, that I don’t know who the fuck I am (pardon my language). I hate that saying you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Braxton and I had unconditional love but now. Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally

197 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 039 ~I Love You Has Flavors~

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And they call it puppy love, but Braxton was no puppy at fifteen, yet he’ll always be my baby. As far as other babes or whatever movie I happen to be watching… The Tomorrow War. How about the love of money? I Love You Has Flavors

Monday, August 9, 2021

Chronicle 039 ~I Love You Has Flavors~

Two-Hundredth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Billionaire right now, but as The Beatles put it, “money can’t buy me love.” Only I know plenty of websites that disagree.

It’s been 190 days, and I don’t even want to think about love. I love that little doggie in the window. Which doggie, what window, you may ask. I answer, where have you been. Nobody loves me enough to read this, and no, I’m not complaining but stating the obvious. How I wish love could be so frivolous as to allow me to keep loving The Tomorrow War. It’s my Flavor of the Week, as it were. I can’t even watch it anymore, Amazon Prime. Finances have been a pain in my ass as I did them this Sunday afternoon. You know what that means. This week is going to be um eww and my usual blah, Olympics, the WWE. Books have been good though

My love of reading is nothing in comparison to that of B being here. Now I wouldn’t read my A.J. Markam title to him, but Chris Dietzel has been speaking to me. What do these authors have in common? Nothing? But my rage at myself and my desolation as well. Madam, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Braxton and I were aiming to be the next Dennis Hof and Domino. Of course, that type of lifestyle wasn’t about love. I did want to give him a mom and siblings. How dare I dream of such love without Braxton, sigh. Braxton loved a daddy he would never see in this life. But somebody said that love can’t tell time, hmm.

Nine weeks, nine months, until his bucket finally runs out of treats. What about those hotdogs I never eat or all that cheese? How about forgetting to fill Braxton’s water? Madam, if it ain’t the time, then it’s the expense. Hell, I had a woman offering me another Chihuahua, but I couldn’t do it. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I looked at prices. Astronomical. For me anyway, and I am not a billionaire yet? Maybe when I fill in the application form at some of these places. My words murder my heart, ha. Torture, why M Anime likes me? It’s strange to think there is so much love in the world, but I’d instead be walking Braxton singing It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp. Life’s harder when I Love You Has Flavors.
190 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 032 ~Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim~

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There’s always talk of sweat, blood, and tears to get anywhere in life. Who knew by this time I would have more than enough tears. And “his” blood that rests on my hands. As far as sweat… I could use more but the Day Job? Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim.

Monday, August 2, 2021

Chronicle 032 ~Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim~

Hundred And Ninety-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which can buy a lot of towels. Hell, dry off in cash. I never learned to swim.

That’s because I rather stay in bed. As Eric Thomas would say, you’re given twenty-four hours, and what did you do with it? Cried about B, of course, on what’s now Day 183. Grumbled, Groaned, and Growled about today… (it’s still Sunday.) Isn’t Time Travel great? I’m not upset about grieving. That’s not going away anytime soon. And the only thing making me hot, because I’m not going outside… Yeah, by the time this is up, my blood will be boiling. Should I also add how disgusted I am with myself? I think I might vomit. Bathing is a good idea. But with all the “dicking” around, I have to do. I should stop using that word. Yeah, Madam. Go back to being a monk.

Return to some form of “atonement” as Braxton’s blood still rests on my hands. The definition of insanity. I continue to cry, but tears won’t do anything. Braxton’s still dead. The ink I spilled throughout his book “My Turn to B III” did nothing. Not that I expected it to. You must admit that there was some sweat there. I put in the work, exhausted, except that I always am. I’ve even turned to chocolate like I’m some girl. Yeah, that might have been sexist. Anyway, I was at the store the other day but not singing in the rain. Madam, I was only making more excuses. If anything, they are the one thing that is keeping me afloat. Braxton was my life preserver, Madam.

Too soon, brave captain to lose him. You know how I would tell Braxton that line from “Battle For The Planet of the Apes.” One day you will be as tall as a king. Yes, from my ankles to the couch. To the bed, in my heart on my shoulder, in my head, damn Rainbow Bridge. I’m the one that can’t stand tall anymore. I’m the one who once again falls into the bed as I did when I failed Braxton. I’m the one who bends the knee to a Day Job I abhor; who’s treated like slime and muck. Let me stop with the “I’m the one.” That’s Tony Baker Comedy. Talk about someone coming up swimming. Not me. Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim.

183 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 025 ~A Thousand Choices Is Lonely~

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B III didn’t tell me what to do. He simply gave me a whole new set of options. Kinda like Detroit: Become Human. Without him here, you would think I would be freer but do I really want that. A Thousand Choices Is Lonely.

Monday, July 26, 2021

Chronicle 025 ~A Thousand Choices Is Lonely~

Hundred And Ninety-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I would be if I would shut up and finish the damn book. We’ll get there.

So why are we talking at noon on Friday and not on Monday? Better yet, why not Friday morning at around 7:00 AM. I made a choice Madam to sleep and dick around, no doubt. Pardon my French; I’m annoyed at myself. I would be at B III if he tried to wake me up to go out. Yes, I made a choice, and that led to his death. And me, hungry, tired, angry, etc. I don’t want to leave these soft sheets because, as I told B III often enough. Make good decisions. I’d like to start working at the dining room table. “I’m Gonna Be Somebody,” I’d sing. Of course, that’s bullshit, right? Well, Braxton isn’t around to hear me use such language.

Yeah, my choice, isn’t it? My choice was to starve because if Braxton was here, he’d need water. Or I would have already gone out and picked up food if B’s bowl was empty. Being Dad. I was talking to Lady Sophia; yep, it’s Friday. Only I’m not looking to be anyone’s hubby, lover, or even Mr. Right Now at the moment. To be fair, love wasn’t a choice for me. Telling what happened this AM, was a choice, and it was the wrong one. If M Anime is right about her resistance to the vaccine, I’m going to Hell. But I already knew that. Madam, I have so many choices, but each and every time, I make the wrong one without question. Well, one.

Why? Because these choices are all about me and not about anyone else. Love makes you do the craziest thing of all. It makes you stop thinking about yourself. I’ve never liked that saying about you can’t love somebody else until you love yourself. Yes, that’s a big lie, ok. You can have a thousand choices. Although in The Cure by Sonia Levitin, there were far fewer. So I still don’t love myself. I keep saying I can’t love another fur baby like Braxton. Soon my body will give out and make me go downstairs. Before that, leave it to the Internet. And, of course, why I’m talking today? Once more choosing my Day Job over writing Braxton’s novel (sigh). A Thousand Choices Is Lonely

176 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will