Tag: Hurt

Tale 298 ~B Unlimited, Virgil, Woke~

WillLeave a comment

My grief, sure as Hell, seems to be unlimited. I’m still crying over B. And then there’s V. Three months was not enough time. And even today, he jumped when I picked him up. And what picks me up? Something, something, girls… B Unlimited, Virgil, Woke

Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Tale 298 ~B Unlimited, Virgil, Woke~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. I do so every day anyway. But for now, I’m looking for a reason. So Girls, Girls, Girls?

Unlimited tears over my lost boy tend to make me sleepy. That’s called Depression, right?

I’m still mourning, grieving, whatever about B III, and it’s been 1179 days and counting.

A few less, considering today is Thursday, April 18, 2024. And as I’ve been telling all of the ladies. And the spirit of my son. The week in which you’re reading this is going to suck. Much like Misha Cross… Anyway, Inspector, I wish I had other ways to distract myself. I could go and find Virgil. His fear of me seems to be unlimited. Ditto, Inspector. Living in FEAR.

I need to do better, but I have 99 Problems and a… well, never mind. My grief, grossness, and great waste of time are unlimited.

But Virgil is here. How does 620 days sound to you? Besides that 3 days/3 months pamphlet, I read. I should be finding a new book to read. It won’t be anything I can read to Virgil, but at least I could try reading it in the den instead of lying in bed another day.

I told myself I would go shopping today and catch that movie Civil War. Only Virgil was caving cowardly to some cruelty that I’ve invoked upon him. Virgil was cursed to his name if you’ve ever wondered where he got it. A burning Ring of Fire. Virgil, my little guide.

From the book Dante’s Inferno… There’s a reason the 9th Circle of Hell’s about tears.

Betrayal of my best friend.

What about my country and God himself? Braxton was an angel to everyone… Laughs out loud. Okay, he was an angel to my family and his dear aunt. Of course. B III, to me, though, was a God. Love, courage, a reason to breathe. Who else has given me such?

There is a reason I’m avoiding the politics on YouTube and such. And not only because it has been acting up lately. How many times have I watched the movie “Share?” Or is it me trying to bond with Virgil? Again, anything that gets me out of this bed, Inspector. Whatever to keep me awake and alive. Woke? My B III was my apocalypse partner.

Existence is not unlimited… Heaven? Hell? B Unlimited, Virgil, Woke

1179 Days Without B III, Day 620 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Life is… beautiful? Everything is… awesome? That’ll be… lovely. And how about existence? I hate this phrase, but “it is what it is.” If something is “good” for others, that is great. Then there’s my boys and their lives, Huh. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But what does that mean now? That I pay? Part of me yearns for you…

Probably you want me to close my eyes, close my eyes, and relax, think of nothing tonight… That nothing is my firstborn son, Braxton. And tonight? It’s Thursday, April 18, 2024. Braxton is still gone. And this coming week? God, I want to join him.

Braxton is love. So are you. So are they. The family we have made together, this existence, the life that we share… I didn’t ask some father in heaven or one down here on Earth.

Love, I didn’t even ask the one I see staring back at me through the mirror. So, what did I want in this existence? It doesn’t come with a menu. But how much is that doggie in the window? I don’t know. Braxton was/is lovely.

And now I sit here in bed. Why… After seeing that little face. The touch of B III’s soft fur. I would hear Braxton’s happiness every time I returned. The taste of food before sharing.

Smell… please ew. In fifteen years, B learned to go outside. And “with that in mind, a soft, nice-smelling girl’s better.” With all the songs I listen to, why can’t I hear I love you?

I know you do, baby. Despite me being a baby. And you asking me anything and everything except the obvious. Because if you ever did, it would be cruel, ugly, and vile, my sweet love. And I’m trying. When I saw V, I thought, “That’ll be lovely.” A fur kid.

His life’s far from lovely.

But again, what about ours? What About Us, What About The Rest Of Us? Anyone? Indeed, everyone is asking me that. And it’s not fair to any of you. To just be lovely, like something to be picked up for dinner. I mean, there’s lovely. And then there’s, well, more. I can sing Isn’t She Lovely about each of our daughters. And what about our sons. I hope they are better men than me. Wasn’t B III, and what about Virgil? Hmm. Virgil Vivi’s trying.

Everything is lovely and awesome. But I want it to be… Well, how it never will be. Braxton should be here to see it. And if I can love as my firstborn son loved me, love. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

1178 Days Without B III, Day 619 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 296 ~Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire~

WillLeave a comment

I don’t smoke… anything anymore. But now people are banning and/or burning books. There are plenty of hot bodies. And it’s been around 1177 days since my boy was burned. That was Thursday, February 4, 2021. Troubled? Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire

Monday, April 22, 2024

Tale 296 ~Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire~

Three-Hundredth And Fortieth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken, but how do I even see them? And no, I have not aligned with the book burners—never! But how do I even perceive these rules, these societal norms that seem to guide our every step? But…

Never say never, right? As far as I was concerned, Braxton, my beloved son, would live forever. And Virgil? I should pick up a book on dog training. I’ve said the same about a cookbook.

That brings me back to cooking. What did I consume that’s causing this unsettling feeling? If I still do, Justice. It’s Sunday, April 14, 2024, and as I converse with you today, you know your Monday is a source of dread for me. I anticipate this entire week will be much the same thing. Sigh.

I see the bad moon a-risin’. Is that another way of saying, I see smoke?

When it came to my son, I pretended not to. And again, there’s Virgil. There’s this house. My entire existence…

But let’s start with something smaller… something bigger. I am equal opportunity when it comes to the female form. I shouldn’t make jokes if I don’t want to be a comedian. Only, I’m not a fireman, either. When things get hot… For example, Sylvia Van Hossen and Saya Otonashi. What is it with me? A few weeks ago, my thing was older women in formal attire. Today, it’s girls with swords. It doesn’t take anything to get me hot and bothered. Heavenly Sword’s, Nariko. Ha-Ha.

Inevitable, like my thirst, terror, or tonight, tomorrow, and the next day wishing I was…

Anyway, I wish I knew what it was that gets me to, “fire away.” Is it the stress of seeing everything getting burned all around me? But again, I pretend.

Only I know I must light a fire under myself to get moving. The fact remains. I got this week’s schedule and know I’ll be burning with my humiliations galore, like the Fourth of July.

Only I know I can’t escape the fires that await me. If I do right by Virgil Vivi, will I have the chance to see my son again? Even before I knew my little Braxton, I was set to burn.

There is smoke everywhere, and I don’t know if I’m cold, cruel, or cowardly anymore. The one thing nobody says about me is, “Let him cook.” No, I’m not that special, my lady. I know.

But I am troubled. There’s smoke and darkness. Lighten up? Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1177 Days Without B III, Day 618 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 295 ~Virgil Presses The B’s~

WillLeave a comment

A happy worker bee? Well, I wasn’t. But Braxton? Protect the house and protect me. And I’m sure my son minored in psychology. Virgil on the other paw. He drifts from one comfy spot to the next because what have I taught him? “Virgil Presses The B’s.”

Sunday, April 21, 2024

Tale 295 ~Virgil Presses The B’s~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And your land isn’t flowing with milk and honey yet. Doesn’t that involve work? Take a shower, for starters. You have the power to change your circumstances.

DO SOMETHING! That means more than reading so many books on “relations.” There’s more than waiting on The Walking Dead. You’re here, looking at yourself in the mirror like 1984’s O’Brien and Winston. That’s a pretty gruesome image. It explains why we don’t like each other and makes you miss B III all the more. And what about Virgil Vivi?

He’s sleeping on the floor waiting. For what? For you? What will you do besides waiting for the next P.Y.T. that comes across your feed, reel, or timeline? Whatever. And isn’t that what put Braxton in a box? The critic never understands this… Braxton, the “dog,” was euthanized. Happy now? Anyway, it was that whatever attitude, indifference, and apathy for him and Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 5, Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Don’t be like me. A B Keeper? It’s too late for that. And this coming week, it’s not like you’ll have much time for the newest blockbuster. I enjoyed watching ‘Civil War,’ But you don’t have time for movies now. Remember, time wasted is time you can never get back.

And I’m not just talking about the ones in the box office. But the kind of pictures and movies that turn learning Japanese from a hobby into a necessity. The type that makes the song “Turning Japanese” make sense. Uh…

I could go on. But why not read another book? What book are you reading this week… If you can find the time, it won’t be something about missing Braxton. And Virgil is due for an annual veterinary appointment. With what money? Hmm. Make it!

By doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Possessive Stepbrother (Steamy Shorts Book 1)
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 001, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

And why isn’t love on the list? Because Virgil is still on the floor, and you don’t want to look up at yourself. It’s easier to press down on these keys before you than face yourself. Speaking of keys, you’ll have to leave to go to the Day Job. And then what will you do?

You’ll have all your buttons pressed. And the only thing they’ll do is have you wanting to press yourself down harder on this bed that you can never leave. But you don’t want to either. You wake up, and you have to exist in the hive. A worker bee. Hilarious…

Because if you were, your boy would have lived. You’d find love. You’d DO SOMETHING! Anything! Virgil Presses The B’s.

1176 Days Without B III, Day 617 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 291 ~Virgil’s Not Write B~

WillLeave a comment

I’m not a foodie. The BBQ place here knows my name… Dare I say the first time I drove there was after I signed Braxton’s “Freedom Papers.” Nah! But that’s a day I’ll remember. B III’s future is gone. Food. And no effing around. “Virgil’s Not Write B”

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Tale 291 ~Virgil’s Not Write B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. I haven’t given Virgil Vivi the happily ever after that dogs dream of. It’s Monday, April 8, 2024.

Eclipse Day. But I have only been out for Virgil and Chicken McNuggets. I shouldn’t read or listen to Eric Vall when I’m hungry. Oh! And there was picking up some BBQ. Talk about a bad association. Forever and always, when I think about BBQ, I think about my son, B III. A little weird? It was the first thing I ate after Braxton’s Euthanasia.

Yet I’m not here to talk about my two furry boys… Did I just say that, Echo? I know. Eww! I don’t want to talk about food, Inspector. I’ve bought enough BBQ for three dinners. What about the future crimes I may have committed on this Wednesday? The Day Job? There was the Golden Son finale, too. I’m scared, Inspector.

That’s nothing new. Only to be afraid of books? I’m not one of “those” people. Inspector a story hasn’t rocked me this much since Stroke of Midnight: A Cinderella Novel.

Whatever! You’re not Lady Sophia. And the book Golden Son is not an embarrassment, Echo. I could send it to M Anime without fear. I could tell Cherry everything, Inspector. I could even read it to little Virgil lying here. Of fifteen books, I could read Virgil, two of them. Those other thirteen? There are furry dogs or women without… Anyway, Echo, let’s discuss those stories I can’t share with my boys or female friends. Um, there’s B III’s aunt?

Why not talk about why I’m not writing Braxton’s book or any book right now?

Because you know what stories I’m on since I’m nearly done with Golden Son. All three are written by Eric Vall. There are two audiobooks and one Kindle edition Inspector.

However, let’s start with something innocent… Poor Things with Emma Stone. Do you really want to know why I’m interested in such a film? X/Twitter is not a safe space. Echo, I’ve been going on about Makio Kaneda from the Discipline series for days. Sigh. There was a series I was reminded of just this morning, Keraku-No-OH King of Pleasure.

It’s a love story… Are any of them. The thing is, I want to be that sort of author, animator, and artist. But what do I write when I write. Only Virgil’s Not Write B.

1172 Days Without B III, Day 613 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I haven’t been bitten by the love bug in some time. When’s the last time I’ve been outside other than to let V out. Or go anywhere I didn’t want to go. What bugs me the most. Breathing. I wish I could make it worthwhile. Love Bugs B, Virgil

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But while you always tell and show me, I miss Braxton—you and them. Virgil?

Money makes such a lovely sound. But is it love? For the love of money. If I had it 1,171 days ago, would it have saved my firstborn son, my B? Food insecurity? Never, love! Today, Sunday, April 7, 2024. I’m only thinking about all the problems in the kitchen. Braxton’s food still sits on the counter. Three years? Is that a problem? Frightening, Mad?

Even now, I want to yell out to Braxton to take his medicine or fill up his food and water bowls. I do that for V anyway, but it’s not the same, and it sounds stupid. Doesn’t sound like love…

Like the kitchen faucet that’s acting up, the shelf that fell down, or a messed-up drawer. This mess, I swear.

If that ain’t love, then I don’t know what love is. A well-loved house that I should fix for the living. In doing so, I would honor my Braxton. It’s slowly eating away at me.

Inspecting for termites when I would instead be blasting my way through Terminids, Automatons, and whatever else in the game Helldivers 2. What’s one more distraction? Hmm. I need anything and everything to make some noise. Grieving, Hating, but Loving…

Trying to remember what love sounds like bugs me. Only I want to hear it. You and me, always and forever, my love. I want to place the two of us under the covers. Really?
Hey, it beats me thinking about Maiko Kaneda all day. Your husband has a type.

The two of us love bugs. Those two-legged children of ours, bugging mommy and daddy. Someday, I might even look at Virgil as such. One of our kids. But he didn’t have a choice, my love. I can’t say I was even bitten by the love bug. More like I was bitten by my B. And it would have pained me to leave without Virgil. Only I was being selfish or even obtuse with love. Seriously, what’s with all my talk of bugs anyway? Extermination?

Breathing bugs me. Every breath I take. Take this morning for example. I lied here reading, and Virgil was shoving against me. As long as I didn’t look at him, I could imagine Braxton, love bug. Love Bugs B, Virgil

1171 Days Without B III, Day 612 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 289 ~Failure Is A Temporary Condition~

WillLeave a comment

Braxton’s box looks permanent to me. But I know he speaks to me through books, beats, and this boy eating out of his dish. And speaking of Virgil. He keeps courageously running in here and trying to be friends. “Failure Is A Temporary Condition”

Monday, April 15, 2024

Tale 289 ~Failure Is A Temporary Condition~

Three-Hundredth And Thirty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… I should have made one that said I wouldn’t make it to forty. Thirty? Braxton was fifteen.

Almost sixteen. So that would mean B III was somewhere between seventy-six and eighty. But he will always be my baby. He will always be my son. Dare I say, my first real love? Tupac said ain’t a woman alive that can take his Mama’s place. Same, my dear Madam, same. But ain’t a woman alive that can take my Braxton’s place. I swear it.

Madam, I’m so late this afternoon. It’s Sunday, April 7, 2024, 2:15 PM, to be precise. If you’re wondering why. I was drooling over Maiko Kaneda this afternoon. Sigh. She is the perfect woman, the goddess. I know. I would give her or any girl up for my B III.

But why? I failed Braxton. Final, finished, friendship’s fatal finale.

1170 days, Madam, and I’m still shedding tears over him. I save none for myself. Euthanasia is a permanent condition. B III’s gone, and he’s never coming back to me.

Unless I continue to fail at this existence, and that’s the thing. Failure isn’t required. Madam, no matter what, this will all end, and then what? Gods, Devils, Heaven, Hell. You know where I stand, religiously speaking. But I will never believe my son simply winked out of the universe. And he would follow me anywhere. Comfy clouds, warming fires.

But until then. What now? Once again, I have failed for thirty-nine years. My success. Today, it’s the fact that we’re here. So, as I told the Man in the Mirror, how does that help?

I bet I failed to “keep it in my pants.” My money, many distractions, or my monster, dear Madam. As I said, Maiko Kaneda. Cue me drooling like Homer Simpson for another minute or two. Minuteman, indeed (snickers). And hopefully, I’m not into Helldivers 2.

You know I need to make sound financial decisions. And with everything that’s broken here.

This afternoon, I could have been a decent friend to Virgil. I can’t blame him for not holding it in. And if it isn’t him going outside, there are permanent tear tracks down his face.

Madam, my eyes are permanently tired. But this would all be a temporary hardship if…

I did something? Braxton’s in the universe. What about chances? Failure Is A Temporary Condition

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1170 Days Without B III, Day 611 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 288 ~Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report~

WillLeave a comment

I’m sure THEY once asked, “What’s your malfunction?” Or “What’s your damage?” How long do you have? B had fifteen years. And he went to the grave, seeing me cry about something. And V’s damage. I should figure that out. Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report

Sunday, April 14, 2024

Tale 288 ~Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And it sucks to be you right now. Too bad Braxton and Virgil can’t talk. Then again…

Your boys were/are honest men. It’s one of the reasons Virgil isn’t sitting here today. Braxton’s room is safer? B could be a ghost or some other type of spirit. And while you’ve been busy reading about those ghosts, a coven of witches, and a college boy possessed by a satanic entity, what are you? One more day down, only to rise. Not exactly resurrected.

In your head, zombie, zombie…

If only you could make Braxton the Cerberus of your thoughts? Strange, isn’t it? Virgil. He got his name because he was supposed to guide you through this. What? Inferno?

Today, though, what do you know? At 10:00 AM, you have already failed at existence. You’re content reading about others’ successes. Your Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Golden Son (Red Rising Book 2)
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

But seeing how you still have this list means you have another chance. Yeah, it’s another opportunity to fail. And since you’ve already made one list, here’s another. Damage Report!

Let’s start with you. Do you remember the Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident and The Cherry Collision? How sick were you? Now, you feel the opposite of that illness. It’s scary.

The backyard fence is breaking. Before long, there will be more holes. And then what? Going inside, the kitchen faucet has low pressure. But still, you need to do something to fix it. And you need to check on the bathroom downstairs. Have any guests around? And what about the floor itself? The mess that was made. Tax Refund is currently $335.00. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 5, Eric Vall
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

So how do you fix it? You got an answer for that: money. So here’s a question: How do you make money? You know what you’ll be doing all day. Besides being lazy? You are going to worry about the Day Job. Okay, so how do you stop worrying about your Day Job? You sit down and write. Did you say that out loud? Now, that’s my fault. I’m sorry.

For forty-five minutes, I was getting into those motivational speeches yesterday. It gave you loads of false hope that everything would be alright. Uh, no. Not now, not ever. Sigh.

And so you sit here, not the captain of your own “existence,” not even a survivor. Looking to your boys, asking Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report

1169 Days Without B III, Day 610 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 284 ~Virgil, Addictions Can B~

WillLeave a comment

I canceled the Balance App. It doesn’t mean I’m being kept from one of my addictions, sleep. And I’m being more of a slimeball today. Seeing how far into the future I’m writing. A week? If only writing was my addiction. Virgil, Addictions Can B.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

Tale 284 ~Virgil, Addictions Can B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. More than likely, I’ll face a police interrogation or a manager before my Olds, holy rollers, or doctors.

Would it help if I spoke poorly about B III? You know I’m one to pine away about my son. Braxton had three loves in his life. Should I call them addictions? Food, “my” bloodline. And like father like son, certain assets when it came to any company “invited” over. That’s a mouthful to say. Braxton liked girls. In particular, his aunt. Special K? Nah. Inspector, that was more for me. And trust me, we’ll get to women today. Unfortunately

But today is All About You. Is that what you’re telling me, Inspector? What’s today? Tuesday, April 2, 2024. And the second day of Camp NaNoWriMo. What have I done?

I’ve only dreamed of Braxton sleeping by my feet; as I said, writing is life.

I told him I was addicted to the idea of making a better life for us. Only what beat me?

In no particular order, Inspector:

  1. Excella Gionne ― Resident Evil 5
  2. Scarlet ― Final Fantasy VII
  3. Lady Alcina Dimitrescu ― Resident Evil Village
  4. Boa Hancock ― One Piece (Jahara Jayde Cosplay)
  5. Lulu ― Final Fantasy X

Honorable Mentions:
Tifa Lockhart ― Final Fantasy VII
Aerith Gainsborough ― Final Fantasy VII

A few days ago, Cherry asked me, “Is “Relations” all you think about?” Indeed, Inspector Echo. And don’t ask me how long it will be, “slightly older” women in formal attire, between reading about fancy Golds in Golden Son and then Jahara Jayde in cosplay.

Then, my usual book genre.

But even this is not my greatest addiction. What’s My Age Again? I’m nearly forty!!!
(Indiscernible verbal struggles.) Anyway, Inspector, this pathetic old man’s sleeping!

Today, like every other day, next to having Braxton back, I want to go back to bed. As if I ever left. And then I look at Virgil, who’s always sleeping. Following in my footsteps. Please! I don’t want Virgil getting sick all over the floor again. That’s me walking.

Inspector, I’m addicted to my grief, laziness, and genuine stupidity. But the worst of it? FEAR! Which is why I’m reading a book about courage? I hope I’ve finished, Inspector.

Failure is quite addicting as well. Like the touch of Braxton’s fur, the female form. Silence! Virgil, Addictions Can B

1165 Days Without B III, Day 606 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

WillLeave a comment

When was the last time I heard “I love you” and felt something? When was the last time I said it? The last time I heard love and felt it was in Braxton’s last breath. And I’m sure I’ll be hearing it well into the future. “Hear B, Listen V.”

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But I can tell why it has to be this way. My son is gone.

Braxton, my Soldier, Soul dog, indeed my firstborn Son. Even now, while I time travel. Today is Sunday, March 31, 2024, Easter Sunday. He Is Risen? Well, not my Braxton.

Today, how many more will pay for my sins? There ain’t no coming back from all these things that I’ve done. But that’s the thing, my love. I’m still gone, and you’re still waiting for me. Even though I don’t look a thing like Jesus. I know I need to cut the music off, love. I need to turn off all the noise and stay awake. Why? Because love’s louder?

Honestly, that’s my problem. The last time I heard love was my Braxton’s last breath. And for 1,164 days, I’ve only been listening. But hearing?

Whatever DEI! And you know what I wanted to say.

More like they want to say. But why is hate so much easier to explain? Why do the things I hate come so naturally? Like myself for what happened to Braxton. You tell me, I loved, and I loved, and I lost you. You sing to me. As long as I’m breathing, always and forever.

So why don’t I want to hear it? Am I making any sense at all, my love? Love is confusing.

It’s the way it has to be sometimes. But how much longer? As I said before, look how far I am from this day. Look how far I’ve come from the day my B fell. I still hear it, love.

Only you know you, man. My love language is physical touch. And when it comes to you and me, I feel everything. And you’ll do anything to make me feel your love. Actions, right? More than words? And everything that comes with it. But you want me to hear you. You need me to. But all I hear is pain, yours, mine, my boys, B III and 2V, our kids.

And I listen to everything else, like some white noise. I am sleeping away existence. Today, love doesn’t lie bleeding. It’s sleeping. And I have to find my way, darling.

Honestly, that’s the only time I’ll say you remind me of my Ma, baby doll. I’ll let you love me. Hear? Hear B, Listen V.

1164 Days Without B III, Day 605 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will