Thursday, June 12, 2025

Meditation 346 ~Virgil’s Everything Everywhere B~

1593 Days Without B III, Day 1034 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sorry I’m late. My mind has been “Everything, Everywhere All at Once.” Movie references?

I’m late, and at the same time, it’s too early. But at least I haven’t been crying over you, B.

Not in this universe, at least. Half the time, I’m sweating up a storm. I have to walk your little brother. I’m worried about his health. Didn’t the Doc say that he’s okay? His teeth?

That’s another reason I’m sweating, “For The Love of Money.” And no, Braxton, I haven’t been around the Day Job all that much. But that doesn’t mean Virgil’s life has been any easier. The thoughts that must be running in your brother’s head. FEAR? Uncertainty? And if I told you everything that’s scaring me these days, my son. Again, Everything, Everywhere All at Once. We wouldn’t talk about your stepmom.

You and Virgil’s potential stepmom, that is. M Anime. But I might have to start calling her Julia. Do I know any women with that name? Cowboy Bebop codename Julia.

Honestly, Braxton, I’ve been thinking about Julia from George Orwell’s novel “1984.” She is my Julia, and I’m Winston Smith. Or at least I feel that way in body and spirit. But again, I’m not crying. If anything, I’m ready to leak a whole other bodily fluid. I know… Gross!

Not something you want to hear from your old man, your best friend. Your brother.

However, Braxton, your worst FEAR could be realized. Ain’t a woman alive that could take my Braxton’s place believe that. Dear Mama, more like Dear Braxton, always and forever son.

Then, why was I late? And what do I intend to do to make it right? I can’t fail again.

Nope! Let’s not go into the moral ambiguity of your Euthanasia, or I’ll start bawling.

Though, for the record, I’m sure there is a universe where you level twenty. Seriously? Braxton, I can see you watching over your siblings while Julia and I… Well, M Anime might not like me using that name, but I’m thinking about starting a playlist of all the songs she sends me. I’ll call it “The Red Sash” again from 1984. But my Julia, geez!

Building a life with her, with Virgil. A life where “I’ll always see you soar above the sky.” Faith Hill, Braxton? Virgil’s Everything Everywhere B

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, June 5, 2025

Meditation 339 ~B’s Backyard, Virgil’s Undertaking~

1586 Days Without B III, Day 1027 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It depends on how you define good. With it being Monday, June 2, 2025. Uh…

Today ain’t looking too good. Well, other than early this morning when I saw your potential stepmom. I swear I’d be worse than The underdog MR Williams on YouTube and his kids. “COVER YOUR EYES!” There’s always another reason to miss you, Little Braxton. You see far too much from the Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, Elysium, or wherever your comfy spot is. And I’m trying to keep Virgil from joining you anytime soon. For what? Have you seen the backyard lately? As I said, today has been far from good, B.

Virgil is digging into the blankets as much as I am. And the only two-legged that might know I’m alive, besides your stepmom again, is whoever brings me dinner tonight.

Yeah, with what cash? SIGH.

Talk about digging myself into a hole. Even further into the bed. Your stepmom’s tight…

No, we don’t need to talk about that specifically. However, you were talking to me earlier today, as it’s Monday. Your stepmom and I… Seriously, I need to remember this is all speculation. Yeah, like your spirit talking to me. Seeing a spectacularly striking and sexy woman in a crystal ball. I know, Braxton, I know you don’t need to hear all that. Um eww.

From “Between The Sheets,” you and your brother will have several siblings to protect; B. Your soul and Virgil’s ability to skedaddle. If he hasn’t dug a hole to China.

Hell! Anywhere but here, right. “Memories of Things,” Rough nights with the stepmom for fun.

Okay, I’ll stop before you go and “runnoft” or ride the winds, and if you retch… Well, I wouldn’t call the Ghostbusters. At least I would know you’re really alive somewhere in the great beyond. And that you’re eating good too. Did I mention I’m ordering dinner, hoping it will make me feel better? Or is it the fact that there are no vittles in this house because I haven’t found time? It’s not much of it when you’re dead. Like I can talk, right?

Your potential stepmom is sinfully angelic, and Virgil is as white as a ghost. Honestly?

Existence isn’t a prison yard or a graveyard. Braxton isn’t your backyard. I need to stop digging graves. Look for treasure. B’s Backyard, Virgil’s Undertaking

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, May 29, 2025

Meditation 332 ~Braxton’s So Forward, Virgil~

1579 Days Without B III, Day 1020 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? They were better when I was around, that’s for damn sure. Haven’t felt that forever.

Wanted? Sure, your little brother Virgil is getting into the habit of wanting to cuddle with me as soon as I finish a meal. Unlike you, he’s not looking for crumbs. What does he want?

The Hell if I know. But he’s not barking “NO – I WILL NOT DIE TODAY!” like from The Beach, especially with his vet appointment coming up on Friday. I am scared of that, B.

“When you are with me, I’m free. I’m careless, I believe.” I believe in God? If he, she, or it would have saved you, I would have been the fastest convert in history. But no.

Honestly, Braxton, I continue to be life’s bitch. You know what they say: “The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.”

Ew! I know Braxton, I know. “Ain’t even much a matter what happens tomorrow, ’cause we men, ain’t we?” Glory be what is with all the movie quotes today? “Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law.” What, am I Superbad? I’m not lying on the couch.

Only by some miracle did I make it to the Dining Room table, and I started thinking about “The Talk.” You know the conversations I’d have with you about treating your Favorite Girl with respect when she came over to watch movies. Awkwardly good memories.

As I was telling Inspector Echo today, Wednesday, May 28, 2025. After the energy shot detox. My mind’s clearer. I haven’t sent Virgil away because, well, I have my reasons.

You and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime. Notice how I’m not telling myself to stop calling her that. That’s what’s scaring me, B. I’m sure you’d like her if she let you “jump her bones,” like you did your Favorite Girl. Very forward of her and you, but after that…

There’s a reason she’s your Favorite. But M Anime has potential… pics sans her clothing.

There’s a “Possibility,” something can happen with her. Talk about forward. Can I? Will she? We talk about sex, significant others, sins, and then I’m sending Virgil to your room.

But “Love Is a Long Road” and like the Stephen King novel I’m on “The Long Walk.” I don’t think I can win. Never stopped you. Braxton’s So Forward, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, May 22, 2025

Meditation 325 ~Braxton Needs Space, Virgil~

1572 Days Without B III, Day 1013 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As for myself. No energy shot. No cash. Well, not enough cash. What about sleep?

The only space I care about is the two between my eyelids. I need you and Virgil’s stepmom in the worst ways. First, I need to stop calling M Anime that. Second, Braxton, you had a favorite girl. Her Yabbos, anyway. Like father, like son. That is one thing you got from me. An affinity for Yabbos. I’m sure there are some “Somewhere Out There.”

All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I’d come back from the darkness. Back from the pit of hell to fight at your side.
Valeria, Conan the Barbarian (1982)

The only thing I’m sure you need from me right now is space. Is that why M Anime has been “Naughty…Naughty….Naughty in a Vanessa Marcil freaky with Nicolas Cage sorta way. You do remember the movie “The Rock” (1996). I should ask M Anime to put her hair in pigtails. And yes, Braxton, I know “Fucking-A” man! Language and eww!

I need to stop talking, yep. Or at least father to son. But that brings me back to my point.

Space. The final frontier. You’re somewhere on the Rainbow Bridge, while I’m afraid of hitting the road today. I’m scared of today, period. But what do I expect you or your little brother Virgil to do? “Make Room! Make Room!” What, so I can fit in more pop culture references? That’s what The Critic has been saying recently. As I live and breathe Braxton, it’s always the next thing on TV or in a book. Even the whole space idea is The Last of Us.

Only this is not The Last of Us, B. I don’t know what this is. But it is never Acceptance.

It’s me being scared all the time. It’s being a sinner. I don’t think M Anime and I trading pictures sans our clothing is sinful. It’s being slim. I’ve been seeing a lot of my body lately, and since I won’t be getting paid next week… What about this week. I’m going out B III.

I have to get the Check Engine Light looked at. After that comes your brother. He needs to get his yearly shots. Food has not been on the agenda. Not all that much for me.

When you stopped eating, you got sent to Heaven twice, but only once was permanent. I should let you remain there. I should give you space. From this world, the spotlight. Braxton Needs Space, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, May 15, 2025

Meditation 318 ~SUNDAY Virgil Will B~

1565 Days Without B III, Day 1006 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Me? Well, considering it’s Thursday, I’m thinking about Sunday. Do you remember Braxton? SIGH, Life.

Some days, I have no sense of time. On others, I count every minute and second. And then there’s your passing, which I have mourned for four years, four months, and today. Although, if I’m being honest, those twenty-four texts from your stepmom distracted me.

As always, I must stop calling M Anime your stepmom. And second, she’s a great distraction. Between waiting for you to come back… (Cue “When You Were Young”). “I said he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.” But I spent some time reading about a particular dead man and his betrayer, Judas Iscariot. Baby B, some of this harem literature I read gets a bad rap. “Losing My Religion,” indeed.

“I Believe in a Thing Called Love.” For M Anime? Towards your little brother Virgil.

Braxton, I don’t love myself. Virgil took up the center of the bed last night. But unfortunately, he didn’t push hard enough for me to fall and bust my head on the vent this morning. God bless him for trying, though. Speaking of God, why am I thinking about Sunday? Other than the fact I was reading about Yehushuah ben Josef. And I want to hear M Anime scream OH MY GOD, biblically. And I know I think, Oh God!

When the Check Engine Light came on, having to wake up, there was “my” bank account. Braxton, I haven’t checked it yet, though it’s payday. Thursday’s the second worst day.

Oh, I want to talk to you, Braxton. But for all I know, you could be like me on Sundays. You’re all Lieutenant Dan barking, “Get Down! Shut Up!” You remember how I was B.

Sundays, I watch other people living the dream… The Walking Dead, The Last of Us. And whatever book I’ll start the week with. Sunday is the start of the week, and I’m sitting here crying about it? Or that I want to go back to sleep. Is it the fact I have to get food? Am I dreaming about lying next to M Anime, seeing Cherry’s yabbos, or Yui Obata?

Braxton, let the church say, Eww! I’m EASY, like Sunday morning. When it comes to “Pretty, pretty, pretty girls.” If somehow I were quiet and happy SUNDAY Virgil Will B.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, May 8, 2025

Meditation 311 ~We’ll B Cooked Virgil~

1558 Days Without B III, Day 999 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Me? Do you see what time it is? You don’t worry a lot about that.

For you, it was whenever you sat on my head. There was when I came back from the Day Job. It was whenever I called you downstairs for your meds. “Medicine Time, B! Come get your Medicine. Medicine Time. I miss doing that, Braxton. You have no idea how much.

Or maybe I miss being in the kitchen. I swear the memory just came up. Between being hungry, another horrible energy shot, and “happily” knowing you’re safe in the backyard.

I suppose you are always and forever, though there’s a wooden box saying otherwise, Braxton. Am I crying? You and your little brother. I’m crying over you and sweating when I take Virgil for walks.

I could be thinking about you and Virgil’s stepmom. First, I have to stop calling M Anime that. Second, I would need your approval; otherwise, she’d be cooked. However, Braxton.

“Let Her Cook.” Next to talking to you, she’s the one I look forward to hearing from and talking to the most. There’s you, M Anime, should I say your grandma next. And what about your favorite girl and Cherry. If I had to kick you out whenever I heard from M Anime. No…? You practically led your favorite girl to my bedroom… You dog. And Cherry is pretty much in her “Look at me, look at me” Era. Do you remember; I can ride a bike with “No Handlebars?” But M Anime, dear Braxton.

When you were leaving, I’d have said anything to get you to stay. Yes, I can see you, B III, giving me one of your looks, saying, “Why did you sign the cockadoodie papers, Dad?”

Speaking of movies and manuscripts, there’s M Anime. I’m sure I told you before Cherry inspired me to write a series. I speak often enough of your favorite girl. But M Anime has me writing two novels while trying to do some “Shadow Work.” But last night, B? I’d sent you straight to your room. M Anime said she’d let me do everything the men of her dreams/nightmares do to her IRL. Xu, Associate, Boss! I swear Braxton, things like Food, having funds, your father…

“And if he falls in love tonight
It can be assumed
His carefree days with us are history
In short, our pal is doomed.”
Timon & Pumbaa ― Braxton &Virgil

“You can put it anywhere.”
― Kathryn Merteuil, Cruel Intentions

I’m forgetful, foolish, and possibly effed… (Smiles). I’d have to drive. We’ll B Cooked Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, May 1, 2025

Meditation 304 ~Virgil Tunes In B~

1551 Days Without B III, Day 992 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I haven’t seen any people. And I haven’t paid much attention to the news. Stepmom?

First, M Anime isn’t your and Virgil’s stepmom, so I should stop calling her such. But you can’t blame a man for hoping she wants the job. She likes killers, a mad general, and a “Smooth Criminal.” In her dreams, ha-ha. Your Daddy is none of those things. I’m trying…

Yeah, B III, I’m trying not to look at the Day Job schedule or how much I made last week. Positive thoughts? I’m talking to the ghost of my dead fur kid and writing about those evil men that M Anime can’t get enough of. Or at least I want to. Like when you were waiting for me to be successful. Virgil is waiting, too. And how much time have I wasted as I look at the date? Your favorite girl’s birthday is on Star Wars Day. I’ve got nothing.

So why aren’t I talking to your little brother about these things? For being a good dog like you, he’s a scaredy cat. Who am I calling scared? I live in a constant state of fear. My “Captive State,” if you will. I miss watching movies with you and your favorite girl, whom I haven’t talked to in a while. My, how things change. I’m sorta freaked today, Little B.

Only not in the good way that M Anime is starting to write about. Speaking of things changing, I remember imagining you lying in your corner while some girl lies with me sans her clothing, listening to apocalyptic rock from the 50s. But I’m here listening to pretty Harpsibored dole-out gaming tracks. While Virgil snoozes.

Your Dad can speak like an “Ordinary Human,” at least when it comes to you. Isn’t it “Ironic” that I’m only “Human,” “Just A Man,” when we’re here, talking, dreaming.

Braxton, your brother and I are trying to find our voices, especially with each other. Honestly, how long did it take me to learn your language and how I would always sing to you. It’s the “1st of tha Month” and Virgil has been here nearly 1000 days. And still, he shakes like a leaf. When he does make a sound, it’s when I leave for the day. Money (snickers).

I should say hi to your favorite girl. Stop talking about Cherry’s Yabbos. M Anime is fun. I can say anything. Virgil Tunes In B.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, April 24, 2025

Meditation 297 ~Braxton Spells Much Virgil~

1544 Days Without B III, Day 985 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? “Love and Happiness.” If it wasn’t for love, we wouldn’t be talking today. And happiness?

Braxton, I love you like pancakes. But I’m not happy. Your Dad’s never been happy.

That’s a big claim. But I wasn’t happy at twenty when we first met. And in 2021, I was even more “Broken” with your loss. Only if you want to know something you and your brother have in common besides having four legs. I didn’t know what I felt meeting.

Why am I not talking to Virgil today? We’ve been outside, and he’s had breakfast. But today, I slept a lot later than usual. It’s 9:20 AM. And even that thought makes me cry. Or it’s allergies, AGAIN. How about a lack of sleep? I spoke to you and Virgil’s future stepmom last night and this morning. I gotta stop calling M Anime that. Seriously.

Braxton, how do you spell love? It’s like I’m the Tower of Babel, and you and your brother, your favorite girl, M Anime, Cherry, my Olds, and even myself are the builders, trying to get me to Heaven. But all the noise from everyone. How we speak in different ways, B.

You and Virgil speak of love, but yours is very faint. Being dead and all. I know that’s not funny, Braxton. Your brother tells a different version of love. I’ve got no word for it.

Your favorite girl is a glimmer of joy. When Cherry isn’t saying, “Look at me, look at me,” I’m drooling over her Yabbos. Uh, eww.

When I think of my Olds, your grandparents, you know what I hear? Worthless, waste, and “what you gonna do with your life?” Boys Just Want To Have Fun, remember.

Honestly, I don’t want to look at the “Man in the Mirror.” “It’s no surprise to me. I am my own worst enemy.” Hell! Even now. I’m still on my back, yapping away with you.

Those were the days. And they beat, slithering on my belly, dreaming up scenarios between Joel, Ellie, Dina, and Abby. I got around to watching The Last of Us. And if it wasn’t them or Cherry, then the things I said to M Anime. I’m no gentleman. You’re not, either.

But I raised you to be a better man than me. That B is my love. Braxton Spells Much Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, April 17, 2025

Meditation 290 ~Renewing Braxton’s Membership Virgil~

1537 Days Without B III, Day 978 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? By the time you’re reading this, your Daddy’s half-dead. But today… Saturday, April 12, 2025.

You won’t like me saying this, Braxton. I’ll let Thandiwe Newton, AKA Dame Vaako, say…

I wouldn’t be surprised if someone promoted him soon… to full dead.
― Dame Vaako

Yes, your Dad is “Feeling super, super (super!) suicid…” But that’s not your fault, Braxton. I wake up “Every Morning” asking, “Why (why?), why (why?) Tell ’em that it’s Human Nature.” Or at least for humans. And I don’t know how to bring myself back to life. Music, Movies, a Manuscript. If you asked me right now to describe life, I would say Cast Away.

I’m Chuck Noland. Your little brother Virgil Vivi is the raft. Honestly, Braxton, it’s why I’m at the Dining Room Table wearing pants despite “Chloe | Kuroinu.” But anyway, B. You’re Wilson out there floating along, and for once, I ain’t crying… I think… Allergies.

So why aren’t I crying? I saw something beautiful on Facebook! OMG! WTF! Right, B?

Anyway, I looked it up, and it’s from a book-turned-movie, “The Art of Racing in the Rain.” If only I weren’t reading Backyard Dungeon 15 this week. Braxton, I was listening to this dog Enzo talk about how if he did return to the land of the living Braxton, he would return as a man.

Do you remember when I was reading all those books about reincarnation? And I’ve been saying for about two and a half years that V isn’t you? I knew I effed up looking for you.

Do you, my son, have a greater destiny? I’ve been joking a lot about M Anime being your stepmom. Mom!

Seriously Braxton. M Anime had this dream, which she wrote into a short story about… She said a crazy general wanted to make her a mother. He did “Bad Things” to her, but she ended up enjoying them. Then he spoke of having sons with her. Breeding? A kinky fetish…

Braxton, as the song asks, “Am I A Psycho?” Well, I’m writing a full-blown manuscript.

Writers, by nature, have to be a little crazy. But “Cries Come Women, Come Country.” Braxton that has been clawing its way through my mind for days. An Erotic Horror? A War Thriller? I don’t know. But if you’re meant to be a man… M Anime and me, B III. Your resurrection. Me as your father. Renewing Braxton’s Membership Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Thursday, April 10, 2025

Meditation 283 ~A Sorry’s Between B-V~

1530 Days Without B III, Day 971 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sorry I’m bothering you twice today. I know it’s still Thursday, April 3, 2025.

And truth be told, that’s the least I need to be sorry for. The ole, you’re in a box angle.

Nope! You’re here, Little B, listening to your Dad feel sorry for himself and everything. All as I listen to Harpsibored on YouTube, who reminds me of your potential stepmom. I need to stop calling M Anime that, especially after explaining what happened earlier this morning. In fact, I owe plenty of apologies here at 10:20 AM. Dad’s an A-hole…

However, I’ll start my apology tour with you and Virgil. It’s “Times Like These” Braxton. Four years ago, in late January 2021, I was pretty annoyed with you for keeping me up on a work night. But when I came HOME, I decided you needed to see the veterinarian on Friday. It should’ve been nothing.

I didn’t know we’d say goodbye on Sunday, January 31, 2021. And what about Virgil?

Well, this morning, present day, as I was making a cappuccino, I was thinking about how I’ve been existing with our schedule. I couldn’t remember how many pills you took. Was it two in the morning and one at night or the other way? Well, I’ve been letting Virgil out at sunrise when I’m here. Not 8:00 AM? Writing time… “Nightmare At The Meat Market”. You know that’s based off of M Anime’s dream. And what I’ve been telling her.

I have been kicking myself since Wednesday night. You recall I loaned your favorite girl $500. I gave MILF Dos $300. And now $700. I swear, your Daddy is crazy.

I must not think much of her, or I overthink. When it comes to those I care for… Again, after going through your papers this morning,… $323.60. Euthanasia! Last Day! And even more, trying to save you! And “Only God Knows Why” and how much Virgil’s following vet visit will cost. Not that it matters. He is my son, like you. Aren’t you proud, Braxton?

“And I feel like number one yet I’m last in line
I watch my youngest son and it helps to pass the time.”
Kid Rock

However… I know I’m not the only A-hole here cough Kid Rock cough FDT, right?

Anyway, what about forgiving myself? How? Why? Indulging with Anna and Riko Ichinose. Yes, I’m still upset about missing this morning. Your Dad enjoys sleaze…

Honestly, I want a steak. On $17.00… I’m hungry, Humpin’ Around, and must leave the house. A Sorry’s Between B-V.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad