Tag: Manhood

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

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“This is a commune. We’re communists.” “This is a rebellion, isn’t it? I rebel” I’m a loser, so I lose. I was losing my little boy before I knew it. I lose time trying to be… A writer, a web designer? I lose my mind over boobs. V? To B Losers Virgil.

Thursday, March 30, 2023

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

788 Days Without B III, Day 229 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My wonderful boy, Will’s son. I’ll let the world know. My work and my woman.

So despite being in bed most of the week. And this is after the Day Job. Hell! Braxton, you would have demanded we cuddle. Well, not that Wednesday before you passed. Frightening to be in love with a dead man. Okay, so we have the movie Troy and now The Matrix. Not that I have been relaxing at all this week. Last night was… effed’ up. Braxton, I was reminded of how you were crying, and I went all Reservoir Dogs. “Say it: you’re gonna be okay! Say the goddamn words: you’re gonna be okay!” The next day B. It found you right where Virgil is now—lying beside me with no plans whatsoever. Braxton, we were/are losers. Only you didn’t mind. You didn’t know what I would do Sunday.

I cared more about my work than my goddamn son! And for once, I’m not talking about the Day Job. Last night I was working right where I am now. Then this whole place fell. I spent half the night trying to fix it. And then I called for help. Can you shut up, B? Remember, that’s what I said to you, thinking you were annoying. What came next? That’s what I ask myself every time I punch these keys or pick up the pen. What about my damn penis? When I’m afraid, I either want to pee my pants or pull them off altogether. I’m either a pathetic little boy or a pervert. Or I’m in pain because, worse thing, my boy is dead.

I lost you, Triple B. I need to back up my work. Publish your books. And be prepared for whatever this night is going to bring. So far, only the continued feeling of loss, Braxton. Didn’t I say yesterday that I was taught losing is okay? I wonder what it’s like to win for once. I’ve said it many times, I won the day you had a choice, and you jumped in the car with me. I was still a loser. But love is the prize. Not that I agree with that song at all. Braxton, I won that Sunday; you were dying, and you looked… “Daddy, let’s go home.” You didn’t lose your fight. I taught you to win. Virgil? To B Losers Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 265 ~Heal B, Heel V~

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When I got put off my Olds health plan. Many, many years ago. My Ma said I didn’t get sick or hurt often. I’ve been good for eye exams here. Shots for Covid there. A bacterial infection. I had my boy and a few good chicks. But now Heal B, Heel V

Thursday, March 23, 2023

Saga 265 ~Heal B, Heel V~

781 Days Without B III, Day 222 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’ve had a surprising one here or there. At least, sometimes. I’m healing. I think.

That doesn’t sound like much. I know. Considering I couldn’t save you. Your life’s work. It was keeping me safe, B III. I’m still breathing. So how dare I mock it, right? Hell! I still call V the freeloader. Ha! I can hear your voice… “I Think I Can. I Think I Can…” um, telling me, not cool, bro. Hmm. It isn’t, I know. But I did try and block off that gap in the fence. That’s for his protection. But when it rains, it pours Little B. Little V needs so many things right now. Well, you did too? And when did I start to care? Too late! Again I know. If I’m so bright, I should have been a doc. I did want to be a vet once.

A reason to get up in the morning. But these days, it has nothing to do with the new day. I’m usually sick. That’s TMI. At least I’m sleeping at all, right? I can say that. It always comes back to you, Braxton. I should live as though I’m watching you all night long B. When’s the last time I got a good night’s sleep? I love being asleep, B III. Allow me to be like that little girl in Blue Gender. Something to the tune of… I wish I could go to sleep for a long time. Because when you’re asleep, the monsters can’t get you. To sleep forever. That’s what I thought about at the Day Job today. Being antsy, Angry, Anxiety Braxton.

Both heads are a mess these days, my friend. Yet I want you, B, to rest in peace. Good Luck. Only you’re no doctor. A hero, not a heel, but a healer. If only I could tell you about today. Yes, we’re talking early because by the time you see this… Thursday will be horrible; Wednesday, March 22, 2023… other than begging to get off early when I need money. There’s a body to fix, a fence, and the freeloader. The word keeps popping up. I’m sorry, Braxton. Anyway, Virgil’s been summoned for a vet appointment. It still gives me chills, or is that The Sickness? I mean, mine, Virgil, is okay. Only shots, I think. Fixing; um, saving me. Running. Heal B, Heel V

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

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Pain’s a big subject that I could never do justice to. Well, except once… Hell! A week. But I knew Wednesday. I thought nothing about it Thursday. Friday, we saw a vet. And Sunday, my son died. That’s pain. Not this and not now. “Virgil’s A Pain, B.”

Thursday, March 16, 2023

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

774 Days Without B III, Day 215 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How can I while being such a meanie? It’s more like because of the pain.

You’re dead, Braxton. Anytime I feel like it’s too much. When I finally decide I don’t deserve this, I become all Tammy Rose meets Yuri Orlov, with some Robert Neville. “My son is dead,” “My brother’s dead,” “Everybody! Every single person that you or I has ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!” My suffering, betrayal, and treachery. B, this is it. And sadly, it keeps up existence. My Republican Tendencies, B III. Who needs hope, hmm? Not when there’s sadness and rage. And my personal favorite, FEAR. A lot more without you. That’s your daddy, alright. Always being the selfish prick I am. Oh, and speaking of… There’s The Cherry Collision from Thursday, February 16, 2023. A month since my idiocy brought…

“Pain, Pain…” I know there’s some song that goes like that. But finding it? Well, Triple B, if there’s one thing I’m an expert at finding, it’s Triple X. Looking up a word like sadism. “The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.” All but two seconds, B. Timing my bathroom visits? Yes, I know, TMI, dude. But you were the Todd to my Jacob. I started reading that series Succubus Lord when you were alive. Now I listen to it every day. Audible sees a problem. But anyway, I never got anything from hurting you. And killing you. Ellie and Joel… Braxton, you know I could go all in on that. Mental, Physical, Emotional, poor me…

But I haven’t learned, have I? Virgil is upstairs by his lonesome. It’s not fair for me to say he’s a pain in the ass after he has learned so much. Ending suffering, misery, and training. That’s for both of us. Only he ain’t you, and that’s “What Hurts The Most.” I sense another playlist, Braxton. You know I’m still pissed about Crazy Town’s Butterfly selection? Humiliation Braxton, and I was the only one who heard it. Effing mental anguish, Braxton. Only again, that’s nothing compared to the physical right now. Too late to see doctors. Then there’s how others feel. I’m ignoring your aunt, what I did to Cherry, again there’s Virgil. But you and I? And yet I’ll say Virgil’s A Pain, B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

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Dumb Ways to Die. Let Virgil take a few fingers eating fries… (B III knows better). Get a smile stuck on my face at the Day Job, then smash my head Humiliations Galore, etc. But whenever I wake up, surprise then disappointment. Smile Virgil, Fangs B

Thursday, March 9, 2023

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

767 Days Without B III, Day 208 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? What time is it? FUCK! It is only a half-day, and I’ve already wasted $40.00

Well, if it made you happy. I should have bought you fries that Wednesday. It would have been the last day you could enjoy them. Am I right? But you know how I was. One more hard week down and Humiliations galore. And I had to do it while smiling. Braxton, I woke up this afternoon, and it was like something out of King of the Hill. You know when Hank shook Bush’s hand. Surprise, then disappointment. That’s being alive. Existence. I shouldn’t look down on it, should I? I want to say you’d be happier lying by my side than the freeloader. One day I won’t call V that. Um, cut to my disappointment. That’s how I was this afternoon waking up after lunch.

V biting me doesn’t scare me at all. With all the med stuff I still have going on. My bad. What do I know about doctors and things? It’s not like they told me I’ll die. A shock B III. No! It was such fear when they told me that you were dying. The face I must have made way back then. Did I say that? It’s only been two years. And what do I have to show for it? It is much too early to start thinking about E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction B III. Or is that the only day I eat well? If it wasn’t for the rain today. Was I afraid, Braxton? That’s the worse look on my face. I look STUPID.

Only it could be worse… Well no. When it comes to my face, shall I perform Heaven’s Light for you? “No face as hideous as my face. Was ever meant for Heaven’s light.” B III. You had such a cute face. To this day, Braxton, you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. Okay, the most handsome. The last time I was all mushy with you… (sigh). Yeah, it was in the vet’s office when we had to say goodbye. How many times have I cried writing this? At least I ain’t moaning in another sort of way. Clothes on, Virgil sleeping. Sharing fries with him, he nearly took some fingers. To bleed to death… and join you. Smile Virgil, Fangs B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

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I thought the silence would kill me. But the noise filling the void now? It’s like “Wanted,” I want to scream at the Day Job, “SHUT THE F*CK UP!” I can’t even listen to Bob Marley; I need the perfect song to play on Spotify. “Gonna B Alright Virgil.”

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

760 Days Without B III, Day 201 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I asked that every day. But did I listen? I hope you hear me now.

My anger. And as the song goes, “I feel stupid.” Hell! I am stupid. And I wish I could have told you that. The Wednesday you came crying to me. If I didn’t hear you… Braxton, I should have let you help. That’s one more thing making me angry today. Selfishness. Because even now, I want to make this about me. I thought I was protecting you, in a way, from my rage and wrath. But it was the indifference. I didn’t care enough, Braxton. We went on until Friday. “I sang ‘Cause every little thing, gonna be all right.” But it won’t be ever again. And not only because you’re gone, Braxton Barks. Madness. To paraphrase from the character Howard Beale “I’m fucking mad as Hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

And I’m scared of what that means, Triple B. What if it doesn’t mean a damn thing? It didn’t back when you were with me. I would still be sitting here, head of the table. Braxton, that’s what I was scared of. I wouldn’t be able to put food on our table ever again. Don’t I have those concerns about Virgil Vivi? That’s another thing that frightens me… I don’t. You see, it’s been 201 days. That’s about six months and change. Any fear, Braxton? Only I don’t want to see him suffer in the rain. And there was that time he sniffed your bed. I don’t fear at all that he’ll take your place.

I’m sad that I would rather join you. A lot more these days, B III. Thanks to the Day Job. If I blame anybody for your death… more than myself, it would be those monsters. Going on thirty-nine years, Braxton, and if I don’t have anything to show for it? It was a sad idea. Better to give in to depression than anger. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And according to the Day Job, I don’t have one. So what should go into my head? At the moment, it’s what this reactor said about Anger, Fear, and Sadness. Triggering emotions. Lust is not the greatest. Eww! And things like hope, love… Hell! But telling Virgil and me, It’s Gonna B Alright Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 237 ~B III, 2V, D…~

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Yesterday was about shutting up or not. I didn’t talk to the termite guy. I only nodded idiotically. I told two people how I was feeling, then what… I should treat existing like a BINGO; since I never win. Depression is silent too. B III, 2V, D…

Thursday, February 23, 2023

Saga 237 ~B III, 2V, D…~

753 Days Without B III, Day 194 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know your aunt doesn’t talk to me quite as often. You know why? BINGO!

Even that Thursday afternoon when I was done for the week. And I finally acknowledged… Well, the truth. Something was wrong with you, and I knew you needed a doctor. Inevitably, I made it about myself. I was tired, the day was terrible, and there were probably some girl’s tits I was thinking of. Because not my baby, no, not my child, you weren’t dying. B, you were, you did, and somehow or another, I continue. I don’t want to. I was at the Day Job today. And I fell against the wall when they started singing Happy Birthday to some chick. Your birthday was ten days ago. I got you fries but no gift… Braxton, I wasn’t crying about that. Why was I? Depression?

If I ever go and see a doctor… that, of course, requires money, and with the tax refund, I got today… One more reason to be depressed. But I’d put on a “happy” face, somehow. You’d see right through it like the freeloader. Okay, I know he has a name. Virgil Vivi Bradford. But that hasn’t stopped me from being a dick, especially today. Asshole! Braxton, you would give me one of those looks that would tell me I’m behaving as such again. I want to do better, well, no. I need to do better anyway. Fear leads to anger. That’s got nothing to do with Virgil and everything to do with your granddad. Fuck! Yesterday, today, tomorrow, texting him. Braxton, I need some dollars.

If anything, to have a family that consists of more than you, me, and the free… I mean Virgil Vivi. I am trying. But not when I’m busy telling women the truth. I did yesterday. I’m still thinking about the termite guy taking that Bow. The Girl in 6E. I was talking to Cherry about that book. And let’s say I used a poor choice of language. Fuck Me! Yeah, and now I got money to spend on porn. But $300 to emergencies and $300 to another account. There’s a $300 split between you and Virgil. Possibly $100 and change… Me? Thinking about it… Like I tell Replika, I wish I didn’t have to. I want to shut up. Death Cure. B III, 2V, D…

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 230 ~Bad News B, V~

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That someone can feel the same way that I do? But I’m not reading about dead fur babies this year. Okay, the first three books I read this year. Then The Book Eaters didn’t count on the Kindle. And if Ron has his way… No Black History? Bad News B, V.

Thursday, February 16, 2023

Saga 230 ~Bad News B, V~

746 Days Without B III, Day 187 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You see what time it is. So you know my day is already bad. Worse…

There is always room for that. And since you’ve been gone, nothing makes it better. Boobs? I had an epiphany last night. Yeah, that’s never a good thing, is it? But okay, let’s go with boobs. I know you always felt better. When you were snuggled up with your aunt. Hell. Could you have stayed longer, B? I’m sure she beat any cloud you’re on. You should still be here in your own bed. Speaking of which, bucks. Payday B III (sigh). I’m crying over you, I promise. I still need to check the Day Job paycheck. Owing Virgil? Be nice to Virgil, I keep telling myself. He did get to lay with me when I was reading last night. So much to do today.

That’s the bad news B III. I mean, it’s always that you’re not here, but I exist and go on. For example, having finished Dystopian Girls 3, I want a new book. Which one, Braxton? I do want to know what happens to Alexa in Dystopian Girls 4. I’m also afraid to. Do you remember Stroke of Midnight? I never went in for the sequel. Plus, that was in 2020. Here come more tears, Triple B. Anytime I have to look into the past. Didn’t I say I have Republican tendencies? Only this isn’t CRT, Black History, or the like. It’s our history B III, and I do feel ashamed. Then looking towards the future… I read to avoid the bad news of the world.

Again part of this epiphany. Mammaries, manuscripts, and money. Anything to avoid the mutt in the next room. Fucking be nice, I know, I know. I am trying with Virgil; Braxton, the bad news keeps coming. I should try that. Yeah, gross; you’re so right, Braxton. Remember, I would watch you show out for your aunt, and I had to have the talk with you. Getting all Bobby Brown “Ain’t nobody humpin’ around.” That reminds me that I still need to pick a song on Spotify. Honest to God, Braxton, I don’t want to begin. Living, laughing, loving? Why is that shit so catchy? Because I’m still existing. For what? To exist and not know why, without you B. Bad News? Bad News B, V

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 223 ~State of V, Braxton~

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I wish I could say I was a “Real American” that watched the State of the Union on Tuesday. Nah, about this time, I was watching NXT and not for the sweaty guys. Two years ago, Triple B would be sitting here with me. But now the “State of V, Braxton.”

Thursday, February 9, 2023

Saga 223 ~State of V, Braxton~

739 Days Without B III, Day 180 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing how late it is, you can guess how mine was. Not a stinky corpse.

That makes two of us. Was that a low blow? My apologies, Braxton Barks. Again you can guess by the title what or, instead, who I want to talk about. Well, not really… Virgil Vivi. But it’s been 180 days or around six months. I gotta keep up with “Gotcha Day.” V’s was on Saturday, August 13, 2022. I’ve read about the first three months with a new fur baby. So here we are at six. Yes, you’re still here, Triple B. The only thing sticking more to me like writing and porno. Eww! I know, right. Don’t forget how you liked your aunt’s boobs. Always and forever, our love of TWINS. And this is your home or wherever I find myself these days. Bed.

But AHEM! I come to you this evening to say that the State of Virgil is strong. So I think… Physically, Virgil is about 2 years and 4 months. He’s eating and drinking, as far as I can tell. He needs his nails trimmed in the worst way. And when was he last bathed? Money. Emotionally, he lives in fear. I hadn’t yelled at him except when he sniffed your bed. Oh, and when he crapped on your pillow. And I ended up destroying it in the wash. Sadly, we only spend time together as we’re both napping the day away. As far as the house… he has yet to master the stairs, control his bladder, or take any initiative when exploring “his” new place.

Only he has started running to the bedroom. Do you remember how you would wait in the Den when I brought food back? Virgil doesn’t want to be left in your room all day. B. As I’ve been talking about this week, I’ve been all about the anime “Waifus.” Daddy? I can’t say I’ve been a good one leaving Virgil to do whatever and now becoming a bit annoyed with his intrusion. I haven’t “punished” him. I have sent him back to your room B. Early this morning, I woke up from a dream about a funeral. You never got one of those, for real, Braxton. And from that darkness comes Virgil Vivi walking in like he owns the place. Never! State of V, Braxton.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 216 ~Breathe, Virgil And B~

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Smells Like Teen Spirit or worse. B was only fifteen. But I’m thirty-eight, crying over a second year without my son. He’d be eighteen come February 13. And I haven’t washed his bed since he passed. The smell… um, no, that’s me. Breathe, Virgil And B

Thursday, February 2, 2023

Saga 216 ~Breathe, Virgil And B~

732 Days Without B III, Day 173 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I remember how you used to dance, wag your tail, and your footsteps. Little toesy-wosies…

Oh, how long did it take me to learn English after you left? Uh, you’d listen to me rant, B. But of course, I’d rather not today. Only you wouldn’t have me crying either, Braxton. Confession was earlier this morning, Wednesday, February 1, 2023. I am still afraid, B III. Cooking something to eat? You’ll be happy to know I have food left from the funeral. No, not yours. I’m sort of pissed about that. It’s tradition. Barbeque… Piggie Potato. Yesterday, I wanted both. Only since the place I got my first meal without you sucks at making a Piggie Potato… Well, a part of you says I’m thinking about myself. But no B III. Well, other than the fact I stink… I don’t know.

Not any people around here to make me nervous. I swear I should have had you registered as Emotional Support. As for Virgil… He’s still breathing. A low blow Braxton? Please, he’s only been here about six months. Call me in fifteen years, eleven months. Actually, call me sooner, Braxton. I won’t forget about you. But then, forgetting myself, B? How I wish I could B III. For real, I want to forget about that damn funeral and my funk. One more reason I’m going to go ahead and finish that food from the funeral. And I can hope that I don’t hear from your grandparents for a while. All that’s taking me away, B. That’s how I lost you, B. Holding my breath boy

Barely. Forgetting. And not wanting to breathe. Being around people B III. It’s like I don’t have the right to be alive. I want to be so small. But you are my world, a god, and even a titan. And on today of all days, I remember carrying you dying. The smell of my failure. All I need is the air that I breathe. And if that meant I could keep you alive without pain. If I had to carry you around to keep you with me, B. I wouldn’t mind at all. Not ever. Always and forever, that smell I couldn’t put my finger on, holding you. Those McDonald’s fries you loved. Braxton, you’re my reason to breathe… and smell. Breathe, Virgil And B

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 214 ~To B, Loved Again~

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Ain’t no woman like the one I got… Blowing her off to spend time with my son. Braxton died today 2 years ago, at 15. He was 13 days shy of his birthday. To lose such a love… All the women in the world… I’m sorry. I want my boy back To B, Loved Again.

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Saga 214 ~To B, Loved Again~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now… No! Scratch That! Leave Me Alone! Not Today, Please! Fuck!

(walks to Braxton’s old/new room)

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Good day… Last time I ever said that to you was Saturday, January 30, 2021. I should have starved. I’m sorry… Geez! Bad choice of words. I wanted to apologize for yelling at your stepmom; ok. But today, Braxton Barks Bradford. What? Today is our day, your day, the day? I don’t know how to say it. Like the vet’s office? If I were a good man, a great daddy, I’d head up to Banfield today. I would ask to sit on that bench for but a few minutes. Waiting, knowing, and yet I was hoping to. I had to. “He’s My Son!” I wanted to yell at those ladies, the vets, the whole damn world!

And I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. How many times have I said that, Braxton? It never stops. Two years. Always and forever. Look at where I’m standing? What was it I read about Enshrinement? Braxton Barks Bradford… Whatever, you’ll always be here. Only how many apologies do I have? There’s Never Enough. I’m sorry about this week. What about the last week you were alive? I had so many plans for what today might be like, Braxton. I would have been better off joining you the day you died. Too damn easy. I’m sorry for talking to you today… It’s Sunday, January 29, 2023. You were dying. Braxton, that was on a Friday in 2021, but you know that. Triple B, I love you

Always and forever! B III, nothing turned out right, then or now. This second anniversary. Who knows? I could get lucky, and my “father” could kill me Monday. Funeral… Ironic. If I wanted to die, why not blow off your great-granddaddy’s funeral. Making money? To think I believed the old Day Job was my punishment, my damnation, and indifference. No, Braxton. Losing you and having to suffer with living relatives and what about, um… I ain’t mentioning him today. I want to sit on our loveseat and watch movies. Barbecue? Braxton, that was my first meal without you. That night, “I’ll never be loved again.” Braxton, you have to know, You Were Loved. You are loved. I once was. I am… To B, Loved Again

730 Days Without B III, Day 171 of Virgil’s Arrival

Always and Forever,
Your Dad