Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

Whose side did I take, Captain America vs. Iron Man? And no, I’m not one for T’Challa as I liked Killmonger sitting on the throne of the Wakandan Empire. There’s always the thought of Deadshot and Harley (Homer drool). “Live The Villain, Heroes Die.”

Monday, April 27, 2020

Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

Hundred And Thirty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I didn’t do that being nice. Don’t get me wrong, Madam Justice, compared to most “I’m all right,” a point if you get the Firefly reference. While I’m on the subject of Firefly and Serenity, do you want to know the definition of a hero? Someone who gets others killed. One more reason I like villains because I don’t abide liars. Okay, so I’ll lie to save my behind, but I prefer not to put myself in such situations. I hate being the victim, playing the hero, but to live the villain, hell, I’m a writer.

Three reasons why I don’t write heroes. Number one again, I don’t like lying. I write fiction, but I don’t lie. It’s like the difference between the songs “I Wanna Love You” and “I Wanna F*ck You.” One four-letter word, but how many times must I say words matter. The second reason is I had an epiphany. I wrote nicely about women for a very long time, and where did that get me? I watched other guys drop some girls’ panties. Yet my words were considered stalkerish. Some were ignored altogether. What has netted me the most attention? Finally, I thought it was tough living up to the heroes. To have such stories told forever, to know constant stress. I’m not a hero Madam Justice because I’m stronger. I picked the path that puts me against the world. When I have (human) kids of my own, I don’t want them following me. I want them to greet the world, With Arms Wide Open, thanks Creed.

I should also thank Todd Michaels because all of a sudden, I want to read “Begging For It” again. Besides wanting my children to have a better example like Rabbit for a father. What about Dolly for a Mother? If you’ve read Sick Fux, you have my attention. Anyway, I have to live long enough to have a woman of my own, which means just that, living. As I said, heroes get stories and songs. Only the good die young, no good deed and the like. Last night I dreamt about Ozymandias, and of course, I don’t know his whole story. If anything, though, I wrote once “Lesson 050 A Comedian Died Today.” I’m not a comedian, a victim, or someone who saves, I’m Me.

Live The Villain, Heroes Die

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 355 ~Will We Be Heroes~

What do you want to be someday and I don’t think a father ever made my list but maybe a Power Ranger, and now I want to be a PIMP but in my dreams what did I become I’m still asking? Will We Be Heroes

Friday, June 21, 2019

Episode 355 ~Will We Be Heroes~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now, which is why B III is sleeping on my lap. How much do I want to relax after today’s events? Last night wasn’t any easier; strange dreams. You see one more reason I don’t have nightmares usually is because I’m the monster. I was plenty scared today and last night. Well, long story short, I don’t know what hero I was Lady Sophia. They were all there, Captain America, Spiderman, Black Panther, others. The thing is though in the dream, in a book of heroes, I couldn’t find myself at all.

Now forgive my BLASPHEMY, but for a moment I thought I was Stan Lee. How dare I but I don’t ever write about heroes. You know what they say about heroes and legends. Of course, there has to be someone there to write about all their great deeds. What heroic actions did I take today other than saving my son from a tummy ache? How about facing down people and not killing them? How about going back to Taco Bell after complaining. Somehow keeping my shit together (LANGUAGE) looks like Captain America is back. In my dream, the deed I remember is Spiderman escaping a house explosion. I swear up to the moment I woke up; I was trying to identify myself. I’m an Employee, Father, Consumer, Writer, so what’s wrong with this picture, Sophia.

Is that a question I should be asking today? My panic over B III kept me from worrying about other things. Take, for example, the Gallery List I didn’t share. I was probably reading the wrong book and should have gone looking for villains. That’s how I see myself at work sometimes when as CJ put it, I listen to that hardcore gangsta shit (LANGUAGE). I still have my list of would-be evildoers, according to society. In the end, though I’ll always see myself as the worst. Only I don’t remember any criminals in my dream. There was fire though that reminds me of my novel, Apocalypse Rush. Even so, I met some evil people today. Well one of them did help Triple B so how can I consider that man terrible? Have I failed my little boy once again?

Which brings me back to Stan Lee and how he would only watch. I moved when I had to do what was right. I was a father, but still, I ask, Will We Be Heroes.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 189 ~Your Will On Paper~

What was that about keeping no good vibes last week? If anything I am feeling chipper and I’m hoping to keep it that way or so it’s written right, and I do that every single day without fail. Your Will On Paper

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Episode 189 ~Your Will On Paper~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, your name being on the schedule and how I know it’s hard keeping up the feeling of yesterday but that’s something right there, the past was good, maybe even remarkable. Perhaps it’s something to your Motivations, yesterday was such a feeling and how excited are you today, considering what, a text message, that we’re having this conversation, how about tearing open another 5-hour ENERGY, living on it.

Maybe they should make you a spokesperson, today you saw some guy living his best life after a year of making funny videos about food and by September you’re going to have a million dollars. Keep fighting it, and again I know it will be harder tomorrow but that’s another thing, the challenge, whatever doesn’t kill you had better start running and that will be the only reason you run now. Well, that and your goal and this is where the rubber meets the road isn’t it, one more reason to get into novels, because the word “completed” is beautiful, so is MILF, a spoonful of sugar as they say with these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 007 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 014 No Fap)
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
    Failed
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
    Failed
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
    Failed
  5. I Will Finish The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks (Gift)
    Completed
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel
    Failed

Such a way to start the new year am I right, and no that’s not sarcasm or any negativity, because this is an opportunity, you can see it right… if you could keep your eyes off the MILF’s… okay, that would only be dirty but incredible. Something else you must come to realize, seeds sprout from the dirt, from the darkness, chasing the light much like B III today. Talk about being “Johnny on the Spot” when it came to his bathroom needs. At least whatever had him up all night seems to have passed and you proved yet again you can get up that early and honestly who needs to dream of angels when you have one to see in the nude and again six opportunities, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 014 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
  5. I Will Finish The Art of the Pimp by Dennis Hof
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel

How about some other paper or on screen activities such as finally cleaning out your email, now that was joy some years ago, and again when was the last time something brought a bout of anticipation, and that’s what life needs to be. The “Hero of Your Own Story” keep the excitement coming, and instead of thinking about the rock of tomorrow, know that the paper will save you and there will even come a day when you won’t have to imagine that, such intelligence… it’s Your Will On Paper.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 059 ~Iron Today, Will Tomorrow~

My head is made of stone today, and I wish I were a Tin Man because my flesh is killing me, after all, it is stronger than steel as was said in “Conan The Barbarian,” but everything feels so damn hard at the moment. “Iron Today, Will Tomorrow” *sigh*

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Episode 059 ~Iron Today, Will Tomorrow~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason to stop, other than the fact that it’s “set in stone,” but that’s the Internet for you, and wasn’t I lucky that it was in its infancy when I was in high school; yeah my age is both a crime and punishment. Talk about throwing dirt on my name, but will they remember me someday, what for I ask, well Inspector Echo, this covers a wide arrange of sins, probably more suited for Dirty Diana so I will tone it down today, hopefully.

I am not the man of steel, goes without saying, especially over the last few minutes… what I mean is I’m not the hero, I’m not exactly the villain either, or at least I hope not, but I’m not “made of stone.” Iron Will, an elemental metal, yes I spent most of my workday imagining different metals and stones; when you’re introducing yourself, well Will a.k.a. Iron Will, a.k.a. I Go Hard, and there we go back into that “adult situations” state of mind. Sex and violence, you see my writing takes care of my violent tendencies, for the most part, and the sex somewhat but I also want to own a brothel someday too.

Silence is golden, am I right but is that a sin, admitting a life goal, I want a lot in this world, and I want to say I’m going to earn it but I didn’t go to the library today to write and will I be working on my novel today? All that glitters is not gold, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing, but as I often hear in my motivations, it’s good to be a dreamer but better to be a planner and a worker and I’m dreaming a lot lately. Too bad I’m awake when I do and when I’m in bed *sigh* it’s hard but I’m on Day 15 though I’m edging like crazy for sure.

Diamonds are forever, and that is what I need to be doing, pressure and time that’s what it takes with coal but how can I when I’m on fire, and I feel like at any moment there will be nothing left of me? Will you forgive me Inspector Echo for being so random today, for the sins I know that will remain and for attempting to dig myself up from beneath the stone, for being a “basic bro,” for wanting that Midas Touch, and for not appreciating what I am for the moment because I know, Iron Today, Will Tomorrow.

“The riddle… of steel.”

“Yes! You know what it is, don’t you boy? Shall I tell you? It’s the least I can do. Steel isn’t strong, boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; a beautiful girl.” ― Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 301 ~No More Heroes Anymore~

I’m no hero, but at the same time I don’t want to be just cannon fodder, and for sure I’m not Atlas trying to carry the whole world, but maybe somebody should tell that to my e-mail account or the guy wanting me to donate. No More Heroes Anymore

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Lesson 301 ~No More Heroes Anymore~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, and in other news, I don’t need to be saved either and don’t worry I’m not about to turn all religious on you. Honestly, we wouldn’t have so many heroes if that was the case. Why don’t we ask ourselves why we need so many heroes and I answer, it’s because the world is just one big mess and yet we tell everyone to do their part, but look at all the charities, the programs, the ideology.

Hell you might as well call me a Republican, but then again I didn’t donate to babies when I was at the store today, and sure I didn’t want to but say I did, what about the puppies, what about housing, and there is always disease. There was this man today that called me “rabbi,” seriously I’m not religious, and this guy, just another black guy trying to make it in the world who only wanted to talk, maybe he needed a friend. Don’t get me started on friendship; you know “Cherry” can be draining, people talk about enemies but it’s your friends Lu that take it all, and no I don’t mean like that.

“I got enemies, got a lotta enemies
Got a lotta people tryna drain me of my energy.”
Drake ― Energy

How about the girl I saw today while I was shopping, beautiful and all but I didn’t want to mess up her day; another reason I’m not a hero, I lack courage, and to a villain, it wouldn’t have mattered. You see every person on Earth is their world, trying to save themselves, some find by helping others they indeed accomplish this, but that ain’t everybody though they continue to say that thinking of yourself is selfish. Personally and I’ve said it before, I don’t want to be the hero, and I feel so horrible saying that, I feel selfish, every day we are inundated with cries for help, justice, and those that can try.

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Deep Down

Maybe I’m just feeling overwhelmed at the moment as again I live “my” life not for myself but others, and when I do rest, I feel like I’ve wasted a day. I do it out of love for my dog, the needs of my job, the fear of my father, and the lives of my friends. The problem with being a hero is they only get to see the bad, and with victory comes no meaning, and at the very least a villain understands what he does, don’t I know.

Villains and tragedy give heroes purpose, and I have enough of the bad, but no matter what I say I only need one hero and that’s me, the rest of the world has plenty fighting to keep it going, so let them be strong, I’ll say No More Heroes Anymore.

“You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

I Will Have No Fear

The Air of a Gentlemen

Always reaching, can I keep my feet on the ground for once, someone once said, don’t try to be a great man, just be a man. “The Air of a Gentlemen” I wish I was a little bit taller if only that is all it took these days.

But wherever in the world
does he come from, the hero,
with cape ready and unfurled
because Fierros
don’t save lives
or open a lady’s… eyes.
No, he has returned

Return of the Mack heard,
along with his wish that everybody wants to go to Heaven
she observed
being the angel that beckons
him to take her to a gangsta’s paradise
crying out “I’m alive”
because nobody wants to die when pretty pearls

still, lie undiscovered and the netherworld
can wait
while this gentleman, curled
up so close to God, says “you made a mistake”.
Operating on those they would make divine.
Such a man finds
that while the world does twirl

some rocket man almost hurls
but she didn’t see the meltdown.
How he uncurls
himself from Armageddon, the Apocalypse, the world goes around
though always on alarm,
she has no place but his arms
as though this is Westworld.

A machine and not biology this girl
falls like autumn leaves
perhaps like a thousand words
that the writer has yet to believe.
Maybe like any other,
he might learn to fly as the Wright Brothers
with the air of a gentlemen and reach her

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

From the man who was once the yes man and will probably be again in a different light but today is all about knowing no. “Courage to Say No”, I need the courage to say anything really but let’s start small

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear, I’m going to constantly be reminding me myself and it’s a good beginning for our lesson because while the overall goal is to become fearless, no is the word I’m having trouble with today. Reminds me of something out of the Planet of the Apes series, and isn’t that all of us, just a bunch of apes with our hair standing on end at the sound of that word… no.

“Teacher only reverted to type under provocation. He… he spoke like a slavemaster in the old days of our servitude when we were conditioned to mechanical obedience. He, uh, he uttered a negative, uh, imperative.

Could you put that into words which even Caesar could understand?

Uh, he said, “No, Aldo, no!”” Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

It starts when we’re young, people fight like Hell to get us into the world, pro-life, a yes and then the rest of our lives we’re told no and we only continue the cycle. Then with the same breath, we’re frightened of those words, only those in power say no and those without say yes and that dictates who we are. So how do I explain heroes then, to a villain it’s always yes to themselves and no to others but then the hero must always say yes, even at the cost of all that they could ever hope honestly.

“This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “no.”” Rorschach, Watchmen

When your equal asks you say yes; when someone better ask the answer is yes when you consider someone beneath you the answer is always no or you seek to benefit some way. The only thing worse than no is maybe and even lower is a maybe that turns into a yes out of fear of no. Simply put if you’re afraid of saying no, that shouldn’t qualify into a yes, no means no, yes means yes, and often times maybe means no…okay, not simple.

I’m afraid of no, always admit the problem, I’m afraid of no, and I hate yes most days, and the world makes it so, honestly I wish I could say it was all in my head. When you see it put into practice how can you not be afraid, I mean most fears are in our own minds, but with experience, you must fear it.

Take for example work today or lack thereof, when I first started working I never said no, the answer must always be yes because the moment I said no, what would that make me, a bad employee? I learned to start saying no though and then my fears became actualized, my weekly hours were cut, my tasks became worse, for a person that had always said yes in the past, the calls stopped altogether and even when I said yes on occasion at work it wasn’t until I became a yes man that things returned to normal, so I caved.

You want to know why I feel like such a monster when it comes to women because the monster wants the pretty girl and when I wanted someone, that pretty girl’s life became hell from all those around her. She said no because of what a yes would do to her, what about the things I’m into, we have proof that some women would be into my type of kink as long as it isn’t me, my words have won women as long as they know it wasn’t me. I have read Roosh V and he talks about imagining the worst case and you know things can’t be that, take a walk with me sometime.

We say no to those we love the most, I mean an enemy is more inclined to get a yes and why, again we seek to benefit, but I tell my dog no, I tell my “real” friends no, but with my family it’s always yes and that’s because I fear them. No is not just some concept it’s an action with true consequences, take a victim of sexual assault, how many say no it didn’t because of what lies on the other side of fear which is yes only to experience a lifetime of no. A maybe or a yes born out of fear of no and yet I seek the courage to say no, even with you Lu.

I can’t say no to you and do you know why, it’s because I’m waiting for a yes, I fear the moment I give you a no is the moment I miss yes, that makes me a bad man doesn’t it, like pawing away at “Okay” again. Which do I fear more though, no or yes, from now on its one way or the other and you can’t always sit on maybe, I must choose.

How about what I have been thinking about all this morning, well at least two hours maybe, that job of mine called and asked me to come in today and I said NO. Would a yes have been preferable, I have to start thinking about doing things that scare me, I must break my fear.

“Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Telling them no even with experience, even with a full understanding of the consequences, even with how the moment it was done made me want to pick up the phone and say yes took courage. It’s not like I died for anyone… everyday life, you work somewhere you hate and you sell an hour of your life for a certain amount of money, don’t mistake stupidity for courage. No means I’m being selfish doesn’t it or setting myself up to fail at some point but at the end, I don’t want to succeed there even, I endure to get to where I want to be.

What if I said yes, I would have been caving to one fear but I would get to face several others and I want to be stronger, and people, of course, are one of my worst fears, the dragon known as anxiety. How about missing my yes there, find your yes, how long have I been working there, company taglines and all, but what I want is on the other side of fear which means I make money to buy things I want and need, facing people would mean more money and thus I would be rewarded. So scared to say no but didn’t someone say that in order to face your fear the answer must always be yes, I guess it’s a situational thing.

Anyway today I made the choice and that choice was to say no, so no worries… okay dammit, I’m still thinking about “Ms. Seasons” flying away… how about the courage to let go of my hate, to no longer fear it. What have I learned today, yet another thing is not the end of the world and that thing is no, Courage to Say No.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 028 ~A Dog Day Afternoon~

Don’t be a hero, why, because heroes die but if you’re not the hero, people don’t get rescued, I can live with that, you’re a villain, I’ve been worse, a dog dies, okay now I have to get up. A Dog Day Afternoon

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Lesson 028 ~A Dog Day Afternoon~

Hey Lady Lu,
I love Braxton, a statement of fact, I love that little dog, as far as I’m concerned he’s my son and I would do anything for him, does that make me a decent human being, a hero, anything at all, I don’t know and I don’t care, he’s mine and I love him. Now I could go all in about love but this is going to be a long day and an even longer night and how long does that dog have?

No, I’m not talking about Braxton, not talking to Braxton at the moment though what concerns me the most at this particular moment is the neighbor’s dog. I wonder when does the moment come when you have to take the law into your own hands, when do people come to the moment of busting the window out of a car to save a dog’s life? Am I there yet my lady, I mean the things that I have done on Braxton’s behalf honestly but what of this dog’s dire straits?

You know I don’t understand people at all but if people are truly made in God’s image and “God is Cruel” as Stephen King put it, what does that say about people? Aren’t I the one to blame as well, if I were any sort of man, I’d go over there now and rescue that poor dog, I would talk to the neighbor, I would be doing something anything other than talking to you. I like talking to you Luna I apologize but as I said this is going to be one long day and one boring night, but this shouldn’t be about me really.

I got one dog that again is making me feel like a failure as a parent, maybe now I’m starting to understand why my “father” is the way he is, yeah I can be all sorts of dangerous and I hate his guts. On the other hand, I wonder if Superman ever had kids (I’m not a comic guy or most heroes) which do you think is easier Lady Lu, to be a father or to be the hero hmm?

How many times have I said I’m looking for a new role model but what would Jesus do is not the one, what would a father do and what would a hero do, I pretend to be one and courage stops me from being the other. Does it not take courage to be a father, a pet parent, always concerned what other people will think of me, while a hero would simply do what is necessary regardless of anything else.

“Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.” Lt. James Gordon, The Dark Knight (2008)

I was always more of a Batman over a Superman and why, because Bruce Wayne was only a man, albeit a wealthy one but a man nonetheless, I wouldn’t dare say I could be Batman though. No, I can’t kick the neighbor’s ass, can’t swoop in and save the poor doggie but what’s stopping me from offering money for his life and in the end whatever would I do with that life? Most people don’t see the dog at all and if they did what would they do, no I don’t want to be them I want to do a good thing, the right thing.

“Fear is the enemy of will. Will is what makes you take action; fear is what stops you, and makes you weak…” Green Lantern (2011)

Truer words huh Lady Lu, Batman had a choice but being a father to Braxton, the moment those four little legs hit the floor my course was set and I swore to look after him, even when he belonged to my sister when he wasn’t mine. To a father it doesn’t matter, a father does what has to be done as it has always been with me and Braxton, anxiety is damned, people be damned, there is no fear because he’s mine, I’m daddy and he needs me and that’s that. If I did it before can’t I do it again, hell when I wanted a dog so many years ago my father wouldn’t dream of it but my sister got an accessory for her purse, and then she had a real baby and Braxton came along with me, simple.

If anything I can’t sit back and do nothing, but as I say that here we are and he’s out there possibly suffering because I fail to act. Everyone I have told “Indiana” and “Gospel Girl” both say I should do something and I have always believed a man must see about his family but what about this poor dog.

A few months ago he was only the dog next door, Braxton’s nemesis and I was wondering what would happen if they actually did meet and now he’s a dog I just can’t watch suffer. I’m better than that, I want to scream at “Ms. Seasons” yeah I’m skeevy and inappropriate but I am a decent human being, I am.

“I feel like all I’ve done my whole life is be pretty. I mean, all I’ve done is be born! I’m a failed actress, a failed artist… I’m not much good as a mother. Come to think of it, I’m not even that pretty anymore. I have failed at everything, Yuri… but I won’t fail as a human being.” Ava Fontaine, Lord of War (2005)

I’ll ask you Luna and I suppose you’ll agree with everyone else, you see a dog, no collar and no tag, his back is dirty, he sleeps on a pile of rocks and hides from the rain and the heat of the sun. Your neighbors report that he’s been seen walking along, nearly hit by cars, the neighbors report him missing while his owner never does, you don’t see him eat or drink, you call out to him to make sure he’s alive. You return him twice, you block his gate so he won’t be in danger but you might have locked him into a prison, whatever are you supposed to do, what comes next?

They say, “Evil prevails when good men fail to act.” What they ought to say is, “Evil prevails.” Yuri Orlov

Because it does Luna, it absolutely positively does and if you don’t believe me ask the last couple of girls I made a pass at, then again while being evil or skeevy I did fail which in retrospect is a good thing. Only I can’t fail with this, would what I do be considered evil, “rescuing” the dog, I’m sure the neighbor and Braxton would probably. I don’t know what I’m going to do but the other neighbors are reaching out and they say this is wrong too, the way this dog is living and here I am, no hero, father, biology dictates a bit of man hood, just a bit if not longer, inappropriate?

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

Today I don’t want to be, today I don’t want to be or do a lot of things but I will and for a thousand different reasons. Why not today I do something that truly matters, something that will make me more of a hero, more of a father, more of a man my friend on A Dog Day Afternoon.

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

I think I talked about before that being a man is one thing and that we are all trying to be greater and to do great things, so I wonder is that what I accomplished today. Zero to Hero, I’m no hero but the score must have gone up today

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

Lu,
Braxton wasn’t a rescue you know, that in no way diminishes his life but he wasn’t saved or rescued, from what I know my “father” shelled out hundreds so my sister could have a purse accessory. Big plans for a small pup and even now, there was an old man that offered me five hundred dollars so his wife could have a little lap dog.

It wasn’t enough, it will never be enough, there wasn’t the slightest bit of temptation, Braxton is mine and I like to think I am his, we protect each other, stay together no matter what. It’s to the point that if the zombies come and I pray that they do that I hope they’re like the “Dawn of the Dead” zombies, you know the ones that wouldn’t eat dogs. So what if they were right, I wouldn’t abandon Braxton, I would die before he does, and that’s simply a fact, a conclusion drawn from the moment we first met Luna.

Now what does that make me, some people would say I’m an idiot, I mean what is Braxton to them, a four-legged, seven pound, bit of fluff but like any real pet owner will tell you, our pets are our children. A parent does right for their children out of love right, responsibly, you bring a life into the world that life is yours, that life holds value, you have expectations and obligations am I right? Now I don’t have any two-legged kids and to be honest, the thought of having any scares me nearly to death but I do want them someday, or at least that’s how I feel at this particular moment really.

I think that such an endeavor makes us better people and I’m sure there are a million good reasons to have kids, love, legacy, the continuation of life but I ask why do I love Braxton so? Of course, he’s mine, so explain to me why does he love me so, what makes him a hero to me and why did I join the club.

“It isn’t the love of a hero, that’s why I fear it won’t do.” Hero

Now that’s a bit presumptuous of me, I’m no hero, I will be the first person to tell you that; first thing that comes to mind is courage and do I have that? What about selfless, what about stupid, goes back to “That’s Not a Compliment” but people in love are heroes and that’s a fine bit of insanity and then there is just timing.

“Well look at this. ‘Pears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?

Big damn heroes, sir.

Ain’t we just.” Firefly (Safe) Episode 5

So this morning, Braxton is busy with his praise the sun routine “walking” helps me out you know, fewer people, less anxiety; so we’re at the end of the street and we spot our neighbor’s dog; Braxton’s Frenemy. I wouldn’t leave him Luna, no collar, on his own for days, another neighbor reporting him missing, probably hungry, scared, so I called out to him. Isn’t that another thing we have talked about, I mean take me all in, T-shirt, sweatpants, holding back a fierce Braxton, and I have “Lucille” with me, all heroes don’t wear capes but come on.

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel (Deep Down)

It wasn’t a question, for thirty minutes, I called, I coaxed, I set Braxton down because even in Braxton’s anger that little dog saw a kindred spirit, and he followed us from house to house. I was afraid neighbors see a black man carrying a blunt instrument, though honestly, I wasn’t scared of the cops, my anxiety was working overtime but I just could not leave that little dog all alone. One of the neighbors even stopped and checked out “Lucille” a white guy, I let him hold it though I never let go and he smiled and eventually went about his day as I continued calling this lost dog.

I did it, I got him home, rushed Braxton into the house, grabbed some treats and went back to the lost little one and got him back to his yard and I shut the fence. Didn’t tell anyone what I had done right then except a friend who wanted me to contact the neighbors and honestly Luna that scared me.

Honestly, I have no quotes on courage because I don’t know what it is, to me, courage is being afraid to do something and then thinking to yourself, what the hell and doing it anyway.

Again I’m no hero, I remember last year “Black Friday” I was at work, of course, maybe it was the year before last, anyway I saw this lost little girl and I was freaked out but I asked her to follow me, I got her to customer service and fortunately her mom was standing in line. Is it wrong to say I was more scared of helping her to the point that I didn’t want to, I could have passed her by but this dog there was just no doubt in my mind you know? Same with that MILF I told you about the other day, first I helped her out because I would hope somebody would do the same for me and then I thought I would have helped her out more because she was desperate and I could have gotten her to do something for me, anxiety is a blessing and a curse.

If anything Braxton teaches me about courage, how many phone calls have I made, people I have cursed out, been prepared to fight, other dogs I have stood against to see to his safety. Of course, I did the same for my sister back in the day but that was not courage, that was the idea that if something happened to her my family would kill me, and so no I would not call myself a hero in any sense.

I thought about all those men that got shot defending, wives, girlfriends, first dates in those shootings, take your pick and how it’s expected for men to do that sort of thing and is it fair. How about if you save yourself, Lady Lu, does that make you a hero then, according to the movie “Defending Your Life” (1991) it doesn’t so the fact that I’m still alive is no big whoop is it. So zero to hero, I got the zero down pact, well actually a friend asked me where I saw myself on my “Blackjack Scale” and while I’m no hero for a little bit today I didn’t exactly feel like a zero, well not until the adrenaline started wearing off after everything.

“If there’s no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters…, then all that matters is what we do. ‘Cause that’s all there is. What we do. Now. Today.” Angel (Epiphany)

The lesson Luna, at the end of the day I don’t want to be a hero, I’m not sure I’m what’s best for Braxton, and giving that dog back to people I didn’t see mount an effort to find him… I actually see myself as a villain but don’t we all want that hero’s moment and courage, Zero to Hero.

“You want to see a man? That’s a man.” Kevin Costner – The Postman (1991)

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” Hercules

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

It’s not a lie but it isn’t the whole truth, I wouldn’t want to put it in fiction but sometimes I really wish it was just that. Tail, Tale, Tell, should I put my heart under some floorboards

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

Lu,
I hate that I keep repeating myself, my apologies but from a former lesson, hat is the difference between a patriot and a terrorist, a hero and a villain… the winning side of course. For some reason, I just imagine Superman with some goofy smile on his face but then you got Batman, who is as much of a hero but doesn’t smile that often.

What about the measure of a man or a woman; I’ve brought up my face often but I can be as shallow as anybody else. Now I think of myself as a certain type of guy (Ned Flanders Blackout Continues) anyway I think of myself as one way but I saw someone in the store today and the back made me curious about the front. It made me wonder what people must see when they are looking at my back, really is the view any better or worse, damn eye doctors and their catchy jargon.

How about the way guys say “getting some tail” is that too skeevy; to be honest I have never used that lexicon myself. Doesn’t that say something about the thing that leads humanity, primal nature and all that, we are always looking for something to follow isn’t that right? I don’t think that’s any better than not looking back, forward is just somebody else and behind is just whoever I was or somebody in a worse shape, but trying maybe.

“But that’s why there’s us – champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel S401 “Deep Down” (2002)

No truer words Luna, this is why we raise people to such heights, indeed this is why there was such an intuition as “courtly love” but does that not fly in the face of everything I was taught? In another way, the question remains, what happens when that uniform off in the distance, isn’t that of the hero but of the villain, and we follow.

If I heard it right all the fairy tales of yesteryear were actually horror stories, so why were they changed, erased, new stories replaced them, a form of newspeak? We just can’t help it, it’s one of the reasons I can’t help but look back, in a way I don’t like who I am becoming and as they say, you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been, rock meet hard place.

Like some little kid, there are the fairy tales I get lost in every night before bed, not that you can call, “Saints Row”, “GTA” and “The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time” fairytales mind you. At least these stories can be rewritten and there is no real damage, becoming someone else over and over is the luxury. The honest to God stories of my past make me I feel as though I’m Winston Smith and with that being said nobody will remember the truth of him either or that he ever existed at all.

Yes, back to the incident, I can easily say that while I had ulterior motives I really was innocent and didn’t mean any harm when it came to her. It can be said that I was skeevy and inappropriate and way out of line and that guy I haven’t really been trying to escape from finally caught up with me in the end. I can also say my anger is justified and that if I was anybody else from another place, time, or story this would in itself be a whole other story I know.

“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

Only by piecing together the story of a past can I even begin to start and write the present and dream of what may become the story of my future. This is one of the reasons I turned to you Lady Lu, all those years ago and I turn to you now, and while I don’t lie I edit things.

Isn’t that the right of the storyteller though, I mean this isn’t Fox News or anything, facts are important here but my truth, will not be hers, yours, or anybody else’s that happens to read these words *crickets chirping*. The teller must put a part of themselves in the telling and that part is what is most important to them will define the story as well as themselves… why does this remind me of “Gabrielle” from Xena Warrior Princess, classic?

At this point Luna I might as well be doing this for me but that’s the thing, I have no clue what I’m doing and when I finally realize who knows if I will want to, what be 100% honest like the good ole days, weave lust like a paintbrush and the like? I don’t think their ready yet, how could anybody be ready for what’s to come, I didn’t get to work on my novel today, but it’s coming along. When that day comes though… see I can’t even imagine it yet, just another chapter that has not been written but it will be.

For now, other than you and somebody else there is no one to tell, strangely enough, it has been my past pains that have earned me the most acclaim as of late. Today these words just came to me and they flow, though I don’t know if this is a lake or a cesspool and we both remember the disgust in those days. I think that is what this is all about, the need to be honest and you can’t do that looking at someone’s back not knowing, but such and such brunette has my guts all twisted up, sometimes you’re better off having them turn their back on you.

One day Luna I want to be the dad that tells his children stories but of course, they won’t be my own, but I will give them heroes or at least intelligent villains. Until I’m feeling up to it, no tail to chase, plenty of tales to explore and no one to tell them too, not yet Tail, Tale, Tell.