Chronicle 358 ~BEING Sick Of Love~

Notice I didn’t mention my father. Talk about love being a memory if it were ever there. But what about the things I know I love, my puppy, money in my pocket, amongst other things> Love never dies, THEY say. No wonder “BEING Sick Of Love.”

Friday, June 24, 2022

Chronicle 358 ~BEING Sick Of Love~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so “For The Love Of Money,” I’m “Happy?” Now you know that ain’t true, Lady Sophia.

Hell! Twitter is renowned for making people unhappy. So a few days ago, I was made unhappier… I suppose. Now forgive me because you ain’t Inspector Echo, and I don’t want to sound like that “asshole” that came at the girl. A popular Youtuber’s proposal… This girl I’m a fan of because of The Walking Dead is getting married. So what? What do my feelings in this equation even matter? What about all the other influencers, models, and sex symbols. If anything, Lady Sophia, my story is one of being a horny fanboy and nothing more. Then there’s the promise I always made to B III. “I’ll find you a mother.” If anything, Braxton was my soulmate. So what did I need a woman for?

Oh, that’s right, I love my son, my little B, but then I became indifferent, or so I want to say. But again, I love money. I want to make as many bucks as I can. And like The 1619 Project was talking about… Wealth. The last bit of knowledge that I gleaned yesterday, Sophia. Then again, I’m sitting here in bed because, as Eric Thomas says, I love sleep more than success. That’s for damn sure! Everything in me wants to go back to sleep right now. That’s especially after, as I said, I finished reading The 1619 Project. I love books. But to read all those biography notes and such in it. I know I don’t have to, but… Time for getting blowjobs?

Not really. I’m pretty versatile regarding my porn viewing habits and whacking. Sigh, I was whacking. That’s what I was doing. Well, after I struggled to put together the new weed whacker. Now I’ve defined love for you before, so answer me this. Why do I love the things that I hate so much? The Day Job, cutting the yard; for a dog, I don’t have anymore. Sophia, let’s not forget disease. I’m still sick but don’t want to see a doctor. The fucking dollar bills. “Another” furry kid or finding some girl. Lady Sophia, there is love all around me “to a certain degree.” And I want none of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’m done with love. I want to be but BEING Sick Of Love.

509 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 357 ~The Next Round B~

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I would have been better off buying $160.00 worth of alcohol and spending my week in bed or my face in the toilet. Not like I have B. Bottles of pills, food packets, puppy toys. “The Next Round B.”

Thursday, June 23, 2022

Chronicle 357 ~The Next Round B~

508 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m not asking that to your face or your “sister.” No doggies in the window…

No, not today, B III. I am time traveling, this being Saturday, June 18, 2022. You know what that means. I could use a drink. Braxton, I’m not one for hitting the bottle. After today? Braxton, if it’s any consolation, I brought back fries. That’s not such an all-consuming addiction, right? Love is all you need? When I wasn’t busy humming “Rasputin,” guess what other song there was? As I said, I’m not one to drink but your Aunt Carolina… Yeah, Braxton, with you around, I was my most free; now second was with your Aunt. I’m always “trying” to remain in control of myself. But considering what came from Amazon today. And how much more money did I spend to reclaim the lost ground?

Your yard, Braxton. Your Old Man, yeah fucked up, surprise, surprise. I’m not working on your memorial, but $80.00 for a new yard trimmer. But wait, there’s more, Triple B. Remember, I know my limits, but without you here to spend money on or curb my enthusiasm… Well, that outfit came today. The one that a particular vixen wears. Dammit! It’s not like I can do anything with it. And all I wanted to do was get her out of it, so I could see her Yabbos. B III, trust me, you would like them to. I was begging, Braxton. More than you for a bite of anything and with the money I’ve spent. Would liquid courage help me with returns to the Day Job?

It couldn’t be harder than walking up to Banfield today when I didn’t see any fur babies at the front. Of course, I didn’t make it to the desk. It was like my heart was beating out of my chest. I was shaking, scared out of my mind, and ready to scream. Were you too? The last time I talked to Banfield was when they put you in a wooden box. And a little of you in my pendant I wear every single day. Your spirit, strength, and security. Those are everything. I wish I could say I was delirious, discombobulated, or drunk. Medicine time. I shake your meds, but I could use a drink. And still, I’d never forget you. The Next Round B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 356 ~ That’s The S*** B~

I bought my kid food which he stopped eating. To this day, I still have the last of his medication. I call him down for, or is it up? No, that would be the greed that is leading me to Hell. Because at my door right now from Amazon… That’s The S*** B.

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Chronicle 356 ~ That’s The S*** B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And if I could buy anything? Oh great, figuring out how to waste more money today.

Yes, I’m time traveling today. Before we get into my most recent splurge, let me sing you a song. “Money can’t buy me love.” Only if I found B at PetSmart. He would be $175.00. Hell! I won’t spend that to go to the doctor’s office but for B III? I’ll never forget sitting on the loveseat Friday, January 29, 2021, and paying $455.96 to find out my son was dying. I didn’t think twice about it. And that was shit Inspector. My son can’t die. Inspector, tell me why I spent some time this morning looking over picture frames and albums. A new phrase for a pendant? I should be ashamed I didn’t buy anything for him. $80.00 I didn’t have, and not one dime for him I love.

Well, that’s shit, too, in a way. Now besides my health which I’m ignoring as I did his. I noticed Braxton’s territory is overgrown. And I broke the weed whacker a week or so ago, Echo. Wish I could break another “whacker,” but ok. So I went shopping to get a replacement part, some trimmer string, and one of the covers. Do I want to protect B’s yard or so hmm? I only wanted to feel productive today, which I haven’t been with this Wednesday, June 15, 2021, or the day you read this. Of course, I’m being a lazy ass and yet spending more money, and for what. To be honest, to justify buying even more creepy shit that I don’t need. I’m reminded of old times. Basic Bitch…

You know like why I started my blog up again. For so many years, I ignored it. I even said, was it today or yesterday that I’m not growing up even a tiny bit? One horny fanboy as always, Inspector. You know I’m one to buy things for my submissive closet. This lingerie I saw once drove me wild, considering who was wearing it. So I found it and bought it. It’s like buying some girl’s underwear which I think is distasteful. Bathwater and the like, um, icky. Yet I wasted $20.00 being, as the genesis of this blog stated… skeevy (sigh). What the shit? There’s always a reason to miss Triple B. I wouldn’t be wasting cash on XXX. Lust is one thing. Braxton’s love… That’s The S*** B

507 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 355 ~To B A Friend~

Truth, I don’t have any guy friends. I mean that outright know, see every day, etc., I’ll serve as an alibi when they start making their daughters’ boyfriends vanish. As far as my own kids… I was/am B’s father, but he was also my BFFF. To B A Friend.

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

Chronicle 355 ~To B A Friend~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but to buy a friend? I don’t have many friends. How many groomsmen did I have?

Triple B, of course, would have been my best man. What? He likes big heaps of food. Bigger Yabbos. And with the biggest mouth I’ve ever seen, he wouldn’t find a ring the least bit appetizing. Next to our family, he’s the only one to score 21 Blackjack scale-wise. Now how did that happen? Love at first sight? The only time you’ll hear me say that about a guy. Well, next to us having a boy as well. I could give you many examples of B being my friend. The one I always go to love, a million times over, him watching me sleep. But when did we become friends? Was it even my choice? Braxton had four people and ended up choosing me. What!

Now you baby girl could have any man on the planet. Hell! Any woman on earth too. So how and why did you choose me? Should I ask such a question with… um, my life? Love with everything, I should get back into the swing of things because I have no idea how I could do this again. Not that I would want to. I fall in love, we get married, and that’s that. Always and forever. I can’t say it was how I was raised, but it’s what I’ve always believed. So you’d never have to worry about me making friends with women, ha. Hell! Braxton was/is my only guy friend. I call Carolina his Aunt for a reason. Cherry, M Anime, pretty but…

Let me keep digging the hole I’m in, right. “Running Up That Hill,” as the song goes. Or as the kids are saying these days. I want our kids to see me as their father, friend, and favorite parent. Okay, that last one is asking too much. When it comes to my Olds… I’ll always love my momma, but we’re not friends. Are you seeing why B III’s so important? And to think I could go out and find such a friend again in this life. But I found you. And I’ll never take that for granted, my love. But haven’t I? I need to be a better friend, hmm. Be more like Braxton, who hated everybody? Like father, like son. To B A Friend.

506 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 354 ~Before, Forgiveness, Permission, Ask Why~

There are two, a dog and a girl. I never needed to beg forgiveness or ask permission. My son B and his Aunt. Yes, I did for many things, but I mean to keep breathing. To be who I was/am. Everyone else? “Before, Forgiveness, Permission, Ask Why.”

Monday, June 20, 2022

Chronicle 354 ~Before, Forgiveness, Permission, Ask Why~

Two-Hundred and Forty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, so forgiveness and permission no longer matter. At least from what I’ve seen. America! But the Why…

What is your reason, the why? You’ll have to forgive me, Madam. It’s been a long time since I’ve listened to my motivations. No wonder Sloth is quickly ha-ha becoming my favorite sin. Then again, I’m talking to you on Tuesday, June 14, 2022, Time-Traveling. Madam, I wouldn’t have the strength to speak to you today. Hell! This fucking week. Pardon my language. Now you’re not Inspector Echo. None of the people are around me. And yet I’m always sorry. Do you know what that’s like to be sorry for the mere act of existence? Dangerous words but true. But the thing I’m sorriest for is not over any person. I’m not sorry for being Braxton’s daddy, but how it ended. Being a father: why?

How many times have I said it? I told B III to get in the car, and that was that. From the new house to this place, he followed. Only day one, he was my sister’s puppy. I begged and pleaded for a dog when I was young, and nothing. My sister never uttered anything. Inevitable that a fur baby would end up in her arms. I didn’t ask; I didn’t steal. I only loved him, and I love him still. One more blessing from him never talking, my little boy. Again it goes back to existing. Do you remember that movie “Love Story?” Famous Lines. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. What about asking permission to be? Forgiveness, permission, I ask both.

But why? There are reasons I hate taking one step out of this place. There was a teacher that said I was the politest person ever. Only who the Hell was I, Madam. Then, today? I don’t know, but that goes for plenty of things. Why am I alive and Braxton isn’t? I still can’t believe he’d ask my forgiveness for not staying and permission to go away. As I know, my Little B. He was sorry that I was worried, that he wasn’t strong enough, that I cried. He wanted my permission to come back home with me. To fight, to try to B. And I know why? It’s love. Without his, I ask forgiveness and permission. It’s exhausting. Before, Forgiveness, Permission, Ask Why

505 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 353 ~To B So Weak~

From “I’m too weak” to POWER! UNLIMITED POWER! Oops, wrong holiday. It’s Juneteenth, YAY! And Father’s Day? I have mixed feelings. But will I even be getting out of this bed? If I had B’s strength. I had such a strong son. But for me? “To B So Weak.”

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Chronicle 353 ~To B So Weak~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m not weak anymore. But as for you and this week? Today, Juneteenth, Father’s Day…

What, you don’t want to talk about the Day Job? Doesn’t matter anyway because you’re weak. No, we don’t run from the truth of things. You didn’t get up at 4:00 AM as I did. You’re lying in bed, wrapped in blankets, and still fending off sleep. Today is inevitable. Like the memories of your Braxton. Hell! Especially today! This is going to sound “harsh.” You are a black man and a father, no matter what anybody says. When did you decide you wanted to quit being a Dad? Even your own father hasn’t to some degree. Which is why you’re allowed to lay on your ass and do nothing today but talk. Braxton’s dead. Your own father might want that for you, but still…

  1. I WILL BE Finishing The Pet Loss Companion
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

You are still here. Oh, don’t go looking up “Stranger Things.” It’s my fault that I forgot about Six Impossible Things. To be so weak that a small word or phrase can turn us off the path of glory. To be a fanboy is one thing. And then there’s being a simp. Oh, you know this. Um, what have you been doing for an hour? Tits, Yabbos, Breasts! Weak okay? No, not okay. It is this weakness, along with indifference, that killed your son. If it was between the Day Job and some big fun bags, you’d prefer the boobs. At least that’s a dream career. But the Day Job is what you’ll be obsessing over, amongst other things. It won’t be Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE Finishing The 1619 Project: A New Origin Story, Nikole Hannah-Jones
  2. I WILL BE Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I WILL BE Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Only the Day Job and all the misery that entails. Remember telling Cherry this morning you’re drawn to it. The pain, the humiliation. Hell! Reading one of her stories. (Drools.) That’s called being a sadist. “Deriving pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain or humiliation on others.” But you’re more a masochist, which is the opposite. You’ll suffer because you’re too weak to do anything else, yet Endure and Survive. There is an alternative but, again, dangerous words. But for a brief second, you had the strangest sensation. It’s called TRYING. If we’re being honest. It was only the idea of resting on some “dirty pillows.” Because you are not your son. B III’s strength, courage, and heart. He died. You… To B So Weak

504 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 352 ~ It’s The B’s Knees~

B is the only thing, the only one, that I love that was pure and on the level. The books I read. To the art I like, games, music, etc. There’s always something wrong. B’s aunt? Um, besides her handing him food. Life with him? It’s The B’s Knees.

Saturday, June 18, 2022

Chronicle 352 ~ It’s The B’s Knees~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that should be enough to wake me up. While at the same time allowing sleep.

The day has only now begun, and it’s a test. But I am still up. There’s not much Lady Lu. I said something the other day about listening to motivations and finding a reason Lu. Well, something other than Yabbos. There is the promise of a new novel. But we talked about this last week. Lady Lunalesca. Have I made one move in that direction since? Being up before 5:00 AM for me and nothing else is a miracle. I don’t know how many times I’ll say it… Trump told about ten lies per day as president. But I’ll tell the same truth about as much and going on 503 days now. I miss my son; I miss Braxton today. This morning, the bee’s knees.

Okay, so maybe not. But mornings were undoubtedly better than how I’m existing right now, Lu. I’m fighting for every single second. And how am I doing that, you may ask? Well, there’s you, to be honest; Melina from Elden Ring. And, of course, such and such’s Yabbos. Now I’m drooling. At least that beats tears or doing that other thing… Man in the Mirror, sad. Everything I do these days that I would consider the bee’s knees? Everything’s no good. I almost forgot what was coming today. Well, other than me. I know Lady Lunalesca. Being perverted and gross? One more thing that is keeping me from falling back to sleep. If we finish this conversation before 7:00…, one more miracle. The bee’s knees.

I have equipment coming so I can cut the yard for a fur baby I no longer have. His ashes? Hell! You know my routine. If Triple B has been reincarnated? Today I’ll find… Virgil? Lady Lunalesca, I keep telling myself he’ll be a boy again. And if I found a girl? Well, then it’s true. Braxton will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge or wherever. Me? Heaven? Considering what other thoughts make me feel good. But again, Lu, He Lives In You. Which is why I haven’t died yet. Lunalesca, I’m not staying because of the vittles. Inevitably, I’ll get some more books, boobs, and bed sheets. But those things ain’t helping. But they feel so good, Lunalesca. It’s The B’s Knees.

503 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 351 ~B On The Clock~

Sleep, nature’s call, back to bed, yabbos, a few more minutes gaming, music, YouTube, nap, and then hearing a noise. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I wasted four hours from 4:00 to 8:00. B wouldn’t have ever allowed it. “B On The Clock.”

Friday, June 17, 2022

Chronicle 351 ~B On The Clock~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so am I still waking up at 4:00 AM? How about 3:00? Well, B ain’t here.

Is that why “Every Day Is Exactly The Same,” Sophia. The fact that I feel like an “Every Day Normal Guy 2?” It’s strange wanting to stick to a routine and, at the same time. You know, a phrase like (another day) pisses me off. I’ll never forget such indifference. It’s how B died, after all. The fact that B was always there. And I took that for granted. But I could look to him at the foot of the bed, and it would be a new beginning Sophia. Braxton would begin running all over my face to go walking by seeing the light outside. And when he left, time seemed to stop, but here I am and what now 502 days. And the time…

I wish I could remember a time I wasn’t hurting. Hell! All our conversations are based on a time I was hurt. What four years ago? And what have I learned since then, Sophia? Nada. But we’ll get into that in a bit. Me and my fucking fetish for brunettes. All Yabbos in truth. But if you had seen me earlier. Here’s a hint “American Beauty.” Then again, um, UK. The only way time doesn’t seem so HARD is when I’m sleeping, and you know what I want to say. I wish I could sleep… and I won’t finish that idea. Dangerous Words; written down. Speaking of which, shouldn’t I be working on my novel? Well, B III’s novel, really. Maybe he understands my reluctance.

I hate myself, Lady Sophia. When I miss filling his water bowl. Or calling him down for his medicine sometimes. And here I thought I was lifting him up. “It’s Not Putting Me Down It’s Lifting Me Up,” as the book goes. I didn’t trust Braxton was looking down on me this morning. Sophia, that’s why I was in the drawer this morning reaching for, as the kids say, the gat, heat, strap, whatever. Vey wrong choice of words but, as always, Republican tendencies. Guns! Morning officially started after checking the doors. I heard a noise. Triple B waking me? And I wonder where he is now if he’s already reincarnated and is waiting, Sophia. Inevitably with my luck, it will take god knows how long. B On The Clock

502 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 350 ~Think B For Buying~

Yard supplies and frilly stuff I’ll never wear. But B’s mom might, $80.00. A trip to the doctor’s office for antibiotics? $175. To get a dog that’s not my kid, another $175.00. To have my son back? When I’m a billionaire? Still, “Think B For Buying.”

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Chronicle 350 ~Think B For Buying~

501 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I could make it better if I brought fries. Why walk when we could eat.

But I will walk if everything works out Saturday… Ok, maybe Monday? Hell! With the money I spent, I should have gone ahead and bought that pendant. Yard or necklace? Braxton, You’d prefer the grass not poking your wanger than something for me to wear or not, right? I’m sure you would choose life over memorials. “Running Up That Hill.” “And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God, and I’d get him to swap our places.” Sold. Especially in times like these. When I’m lying here, lacking the strength to even sit up and talk to you. So yeah, like old times. I doubt the promise of even Amazon shopping and having to get my wallet will get me out the bed.

Oh, but the words B, all the words. “Do It For Braxton, Always.” Or what about “You’re my boy. I’ll always protect you.” I didn’t do much of either. So why buy the lie, right? There’s so much I wanted to buy you. B. Um, you deserved a big yard to play in B III. While I’m busy buying lingerie, Couldn’t I find you a mom to wear such things? Yup, I’m upset about yesterday, letting my libido get in the way of good sense. If you were here, B. I bought all that yard stuff because I want to reclaim your territory. It’s more like facing embarrassment from the neighbors. Without you around, kids are losing things in the yard. Get off my yard.

Why don’t I finish the old man motif and go to the doctor’s office again and fetch some antibiotics or something? Camp NaNoWriMo is coming up, and I’m sick of buying into the Day Job. I spend money and time on a life I can’t stand. You at least made it bearable, B, and how much did I invest in you? I’d do better in keeping myself alive for sure. Nothing is stopping me from doing something today. Since we’ve been talking, I even made it to a sitting position. New pillows? And you know I’m not doing energy drinks again. What would I do with all your old stuff if I found you or another? Shopping Spree! Anything and Everything. Think B For Buying

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 349 ~When Docs B III~

Last time I saw a doc was for my ear. B got annual checkups and then some. An occasional tick. Checking his heart. I’ve needed to see a doctor since Jan 11, 2022. Um, I needed one on Feb 1, 2021. 500 days ago, my first day without B. When Docs B III.

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Chronicle 349 ~When Docs B III~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means there’s always a doctor in the house. I know I could use one today.

Hell! I could have used one 500 days ago. Didn’t I? No, I didn’t start counting until Monday, February 1, 2021. Why do I feel this is a milestone for some reason? 500 days ok. 500 days since my B went away? Passed away. Was put to sleep. Euthanized. Murdered. Call it whatever you want, Inspector. The moment I “know” I crossed the line, I remember. I’ve already done the worst thing I’ll ever do in this life. I don’t have any medical degree, and yet I made the decision. Even if I found myself a Dr. Frankenstein somewhere. Inspector, Tupac had it right… “Bury me in pieces ’cause they fear reincarnation.” I have “The Box” to my left, but I believe Braxton will return.

I need to get my head checked. And off the top of my head, I can give three big reasons. First and foremost is B III. I’ll keep saying it, I’m at 500 days of mourning. How many books have I read suggesting a support group, and now I’m thinking of taking a look. Ha. The second is being a boy in a man’s body. I got nothing but the warm and fuzzies for the LGBTQ community. But I still speak like a child as if looking at the adults. And I love big tits. That leads me to the third thing, which is sex and why I’m late talking to you. Only by a few minutes, but I woke up at 4:00 AM. Now!

Yeah, it’s 6:20 AM. So I wasted two hours. I wish I could say it was that other thing I need to see a doctor for. It was “easy” to go and get my ear checked out. Only the money. Inspector, that’s my greatest shame. When Triple B needed to go to the vet, I waited. It was the “wealth,” going to work, wanting everything, and it cost me everything. And when he finally saw the vet… Yes, that is my failure and my disgrace. I never blamed the vet. Who knows what damage I’ve done to my body not seeing a doctor. And as the song goes, “Where Is My Mind?” Braxton was my remedy. And finding another cure, Echo? When Docs B III

500 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will