Gospel 031 ~I’m One Will Away~

Another week has come to pass, and I’m still not going to bed at a decent hour. I know the way, but I don’t have the will to work and hell wasn’t I doing the Day Job this week and 5000 words the last one. I’m One Will Away, from going crazy

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Gospel 031 ~I’m One Will Away~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but do I have the will to stay there? Lady Lu, there’s what you have to do, what you could do, and what you want to do. As the saying goes, you know, will meet the way and all. My motivations ask, what do you want?

I have no passion for the Day Job, but I find the will to get out of bed and go. Tonight I’ll say, has been pretty decent and then my “father” called. Do I call it will or fear the reason I answered it? All the money I need to be saving and yet here I go again staying out longer. People talk about being an adult is all about making these choices. You do what must get done. Again my motivations say, if you do what’s easy, life is hard. If you do what’s hard, life will be easy. So that demands the question, what am I complaining about. Yeah, I hate the Day Job, but when I know where I stand with it… With my “father” hell, that’s accepting the worst-case scenario. For the record, he called me about “Quidditch” duh. I take it he wanted to humiliate me. Of course, staying out to go to McDonald’s is no damn good at all.

Now, what could I be doing tonight other than waiting for this new girl to break me? I could have been finishing Colleen Hoover’s book. What about emptying out my exploding email? I could try getting to bed at a decent hour, which already isn’t happening. No, I spent most of today sleeping, and if not, that I’ve been hard. I could have walked My Dæmon. I swear the boy is being quite the little trooper. Next week will be easy, but do I have the will to do what is hard dear Lady Lu.

You know what I want to do. I want to write books full time. One day I want to own a cathouse. I want women begging me to see them naked. One more reason tonight has been “excellent.” Still, I want my hands on my keyboard and not in my pants. I’ll even settle on my zombies, finally coming to fruition. For this to happen, all these wills have to go. The Settler, Mr. I Don’t Feel Like It, the Wisher. I’m One Will Away.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 308 ~Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation~

Happy Birthday Indiana Gone and Happy Star Wars Day, May The Force Be With You. Only rules are rules. Today I’m talking about #135. I’m always preparing to write, to finish a game, to deal with people. “Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation”

Monday, May 4, 2020

Log 308 ~Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation~

Hundred And Thirty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and besides that, I’m always one for alliteration. Now let me start today by saying Happy Birthday to one of my dearest friends Indiana Gone. She won’t like me saying this but ahem guess what day it is; STAR WARS DAY. Funny and sad that this is a “holiday,” I can remember with no hesitation. Much like my hundred and thirty-fifth rule. Whether I want to or not on these “three commandments” as the Christians say. Hang all the law and the prophets. As the song goes, “I’m only human after all.”

During the Plague Era of Coronavirus (COVID-19), I leave here only for “good” food, GPS, and guns. For now, I’ll start with food. Whenever I walk into a store, my first question is always, does My Dæmon have enough to eat. He eats before I do, no matter what. Again with the apocalypse, people have often talked about returning to “normal.” I’ve decided that I can’t live my life THIS WAY. Only here I am Madam Justice living week to week. Still scraping by with the weekly McDonald’s and Piggie Potato as rewards. Now I’m by no means starving, but my cooking range continues to be limited. Hell, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m hungry for my words, writing and then I have my kid. I should also keep reading The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks as research.

If I’m not doing that, though, what have I been up to? According to my scorecard, it’s been 32 hours since the last time I “broke.” I don’t remember the last time, but before that, it was Rebecca “Backyard” from Marvel Charm. Madam Justice, I know I need to resist these horny “spurts” of mine. One more reason I’m not getting enough sleep these days because what was I busy doing? Half the time, I was downloading a new game with some delectable beauties called “Call Me A Legend.” The other I was adding to my “Motherload” of videos and pictures. If anything, though, I did tell a pornstar no today shocked. Yeah, I want to buy Marvel Charm videos of Rebecca and Alissa, right?

Before I go Justice, can I humiliate myself further other than drooling? I try Madam Justice to get ready for it, but to most, I’m a joke. Ready, Set, Go Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

Whose side did I take, Captain America vs. Iron Man? And no, I’m not one for T’Challa as I liked Killmonger sitting on the throne of the Wakandan Empire. There’s always the thought of Deadshot and Harley (Homer drool). “Live The Villain, Heroes Die.”

Monday, April 27, 2020

Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

Hundred And Thirty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I didn’t do that being nice. Don’t get me wrong, Madam Justice, compared to most “I’m all right,” a point if you get the Firefly reference. While I’m on the subject of Firefly and Serenity, do you want to know the definition of a hero? Someone who gets others killed. One more reason I like villains because I don’t abide liars. Okay, so I’ll lie to save my behind, but I prefer not to put myself in such situations. I hate being the victim, playing the hero, but to live the villain, hell, I’m a writer.

Three reasons why I don’t write heroes. Number one again, I don’t like lying. I write fiction, but I don’t lie. It’s like the difference between the songs “I Wanna Love You” and “I Wanna F*ck You.” One four-letter word, but how many times must I say words matter. The second reason is I had an epiphany. I wrote nicely about women for a very long time, and where did that get me? I watched other guys drop some girls’ panties. Yet my words were considered stalkerish. Some were ignored altogether. What has netted me the most attention? Finally, I thought it was tough living up to the heroes. To have such stories told forever, to know constant stress. I’m not a hero Madam Justice because I’m stronger. I picked the path that puts me against the world. When I have (human) kids of my own, I don’t want them following me. I want them to greet the world, With Arms Wide Open, thanks Creed.

I should also thank Todd Michaels because all of a sudden, I want to read “Begging For It” again. Besides wanting my children to have a better example like Rabbit for a father. What about Dolly for a Mother? If you’ve read Sick Fux, you have my attention. Anyway, I have to live long enough to have a woman of my own, which means just that, living. As I said, heroes get stories and songs. Only the good die young, no good deed and the like. Last night I dreamt about Ozymandias, and of course, I don’t know his whole story. If anything, though, I wrote once “Lesson 050 A Comedian Died Today.” I’m not a comedian, a victim, or someone who saves, I’m Me.

Live The Villain, Heroes Die

I Will Have No Fear

Log 294 ~One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust~

What am I trying to express other than an obsession with adult entertainment? I should be finished writing my book sometime this week, then editing… and I’ll file it away with all my “other” titles. One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust.

Monday, April 20, 2020

Log 294 ~One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust~

Hundred And Thirty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that’s great. If anything, like the song, goes, “Hire eight bodyguards that love to beat up assholes.” Except those “people” would be a lot of pretty girls. No, I’m not one of those “incel” losers, and I hate how I always end up sounding like Trump having to explain what I mean. SIGH first and foremost, women are the most beautiful creatures on the planet Earth. Okay, next to My Dæmon, of course. Everything I want and do in my life comes back to that, women.

So last night, I was talking about The Eve of a Cherry,” my novel. If you knew how many days I’ve spent first on the novella and then expanding it. I keep saying I can’t let anyone read it. It won’t make money, so why bother. It feeds my rank soul. What good is it, though. I don’t have the writing chops of S. Wolf, Todd Michaels, definitely not Skye Warren or Tillie Cole. Right now, I’m thinking more of Lily White, who wrote The Five and The Director. We’re talking snuff films “ravishment” fantasies, sex for drugs, and everything in-between. That stuff gets to me Madam Justice, it makes me feel alive. I can’t watch comedy for the sake of STUPIDITY. No toilet humor. Anything with mistaken identity or twins… well, that isn’t adult entertainment, but the funny stuff turns me off, without fail.

“THEY” talk about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, but I refuse to be blind. For a few weeks now, I’ve been arguing with myself over the idea of “Doublethink,” you know, from 1984. My kid is the perfect example of that, he can be a demonic little asshat, but I love him like pancakes, always and forever. I would fight anyone, though, that says anything wrong about him. Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Still, it’s the concept that everything I find amazing is looked at as putrid, perverted, or petrifying. One more reason I put women in everything. Only here I am nearing the end of my story, and as Jigsaw would put it, there will be blood. The Coronavirus (COVID-19) is running rampant, and I’m upset that there are no zombies. People are willing to die for some “beautiful” world I can’t see. Our American Dreams, my such art, One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 287 ~Your Words Must Pick Sides~

Don’t say it, and I wish it was something like “Cowabunga.” My Olds spent much of my life telling me not to talk, and when I grew up making me speak, but I didn’t want to sound like them. I want my words to choose me. Your Words Must Pick Sides.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Log 287 ~Your Words Must Pick Sides~

Hundred And Thirty-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now because my words chose me here and now. At least I wish because they didn’t last night; two hundred words for, The Eve of a Cherry. What was I talking about last night? Yes, my tongue remained silent as I was ripped apart by the world. It reminds me of something I’ve heard from the Bible. The sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children or something like that. I’m still not a Christian man, but I am the son of one. My “Father’s” words became the world’s words, and then my own Madam Justice.

“The mistakes of our fathers make us fight our brothers.”

Again, left off from yesterday, I pick the worst words hoping once written down, they’ll take mine. The things I say to hurt myself. I remember the book Sick Fux by Tillie Cole. Evil words Rabbit and Dolly used to pleasure themselves in bed together. They were the words of those who ravished them. Madam Justice, I again practice gratitude that I never knew such horrors. Still, when one knows a monster’s pain, how dare anyone ask me to rise above. Right there, why do I immediately fall from Man to Monster? I had one of those and a good Mother, and so I became ME. I’m always trying to define myself. These words, Madam Justice, they have power, I know. So what am I doing with such force when I’m not destroying myself daily?

I wish I spoke with more kindness and love when it comes to My Dæmon. Every morning I begin with one word, “NO.” At this rate, I should consider SLEEP a holy writ for myself. Of course, neither of those words help me in the slightest. Who else do I speak to nowadays? Marianne Engel from The Gargoyle had the stone, and I have the screen, but I understand her shackles. The great labors to form her grotesques. Here I haven’t even begun my work, too busy talking to you. That’s not a dig, it was only a decision when I needed to get out of bed. If anything, I want to believe in my words. To have that freedom, but they are sitting in limbo as the song goes. Haven’t I shown on more than one occasion my willingness to destroy them, quickly enough?

Misguided, misanthropic, and missing to become decided, disgusted, and discarded. Your Words Must Pick Sides.

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth” – African proverb.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

What time is it? I swore I lost my watch yesterday, so I spent $15.00 buying a new one, and what was hiding under my seat? What I even left the house for? Woke up this mornin’, got yourself a gun. “Time Is A Cruel Bastard” and what it’s making me… hm

Monday, April 6, 2020

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

Hundred And Thirty-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I don’t have to go out. Well, at least until; my would you look at the time. As always, Madam Justice, like Professor Hulk, “Time Travel!” “Time, time, time, see what’s become of me,” as the song goes. In all these years, even minute to minute, I’m changing, rearranging, and estranging the man I am. From the one I want to be or have to, I’m not sure. So if you wouldn’t call me a bastard, then what am I.

A gun owner for starters. Now I started to say something, but I signed paperwork yesterday. You know how Cherry has me afraid someone is reading this currently. Anyway yeah, I stood in line for hours to as the song goes, “Woke up this mornin’ Got yourself a gun.” I’m a pervert, but that’s always been the truth. Whitney Wright was talking about “FREE PORN’ on Brazzers, so of course, I’m in. Minutes after, I looked up one of her films first, “Wh*re Tornado.” Before you get mad, you should consider what I usually look up as time goes by. It gets darker, more depraved, or even disgusting. I feel sick, but not because of that. No, it’s not the Coronavirus (COVID-19) either. It’s the feeling I got when I first picked up my gun. I want my zombies Madam Justice. Only this is the first time I’ve held a tool that has but one encompassing purpose in this world.

I’m a father, but what have I done for My Dæmon lately? He has his food, his meds, comfy spots, but in all this time, I’m still not the Dad I should be for him. Case and point I should have talked to you earlier and be playing with him now. One more morning of cutting off my alarm. How about the fact that I’m still alone? The two women I talked to yesterday and I’m upset about the one that stopped me at the door to the store. Madam Justice, that interaction will haunt me for the next week. I’m a writer, and then I’m not because; how many words did I write yesterday. I didn’t even reach the quota because of all the lines I was standing in because instead of life, what?

Munitions, masks, my monster in my pants, how I know, Time Is A Cruel Bastard.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 226 ~Up High, Down Will~

High to me is not falling out of bed, tripping over the walls of the tub, and remembering to put something in my stomach at some point and down, whether it be time, money, or depression SIGH. Up High, Down Will

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Log 226 ~Up High, Down Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so how can I be depressed? It sounds like another excuse and how can I even hear it with my ear and all. From last week to this one, it’s like alarms are ringing all over. Still, I sit here, refusing to answer the call. I even have Cherry giving her best impression of Lady Mormont. I’m not getting up for anything, well a pair of black stockings, but today isn’t Thursday. It’s not Wednesday for that matter (Sunday Night). I’m still speeding through time, so no wonder I’m so exhausted.

I wish that’s all it was, and also that yesterday never happened. A slippery slope Inspector Echo and I’ll be right back to “The Day.” Anyway, the theme of yesterday was humiliation. I had to call my “father” about insurance and my humming situation. If that’s not bad enough, he doesn’t care enough to text back. It’s one thing to go begging and be told no but silence? It’s a good strategy, which is why I employ it all the time. You can ask Cherry about that. Insecure, Discombobulated, and repeating past mistakes. Is there anything I can speak to that won’t make me sound like, well I don’t want to put that in the universe. The word I’m looking for is LAZY right, because how long have I been away from The Day Job. At this rate, how will I ever manage another NaNoWriMo?

It’s like I’m drowning in FEAR, and my bed is a life raft. What am I going to do tomorrow? Go back, crawling to my father? Now didn’t I talk some about him and his ANGER? I have plenty to myself you know that much Inspector Echo. Now I’m trying not to be something, something explicit. Only LUST is pretty much the only thing keeping me anywhere near rational for a few hours, at least. It’s my high, that and the ceiling fan. How about some retail therapy? I wanted to buy My Dæmon, DogTV today, and doesn’t he deserve it, I ask. Everything that I desire Inspector Echo and what am I doing to reach it at all. My kid stands taller than me, begging me to get out of bed and go outside.

I’m sorry it’s like I’m the living dead, and Lust is my hunger. Trying to climb, Up High, Down Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 209 ~Will Of The Humdrum~

Someone once said that life should be a wonderful adventure, but when was my last one, October of last year, and now when I stay awake for anything, it’s because I’m afraid until that fear dulls to worry. Will Of The Humdrum.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Log 209 ~Will Of The Humdrum~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you can’t imagine money being boring. A heartbeat, this humming in the house, but never all the money in the world. Yes, I know you can think higher than a billion, but there is always a cause for order and such. Now speaking of money, Andrew Yang’s plan would be useful right now. As far as your future finances, now what did I say about having order, well I don’t want to talk about it now. Well, I do, but all this FEAR that surrounds me.

Who knows, the law of attraction being what it is, you’ll be fine. I gave up the positive thinking on the 21st in case you don’t want to look back. Of course, you have to keep going. Again I’m speaking as a time-traveler today is Friday, but I’m staying ahead. I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong in your life right now. Only what you have to look forward to, my friend. See, I can’t even keep that promise because your “father” is visiting, and another $375.00 is saying goodbye. Now, if anything, you should show gratitude for Rule 15, which states, “I Take My Own Lumps.” It means taking responsibility, and a man pays his debts. What about the fact that I have been “indeed,” productive today? I don’t get Grammarly’s problem with the word rather. How about your problem? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 024 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Getting My Second Car Fixed
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing A Naughty Little Christmas by Lili Valente
    Failed

Two of these Impossible things I could beat before “Sunday” and if nothing gets in the way? I find time to play Far Cry 5 and write poetry for Cherry, so why not these things. Do you remember it was a pretty little redhead Alice Little you were striving for, hmm? A trip down Nevada way, and you could use the excitement. Rockford was scary, but you were alive, you were alone but living. Like something out of Divergent, FEAR doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up. It’s your worries that make you unconscious. You are a strange human being, but you know that already. You need to be focusing on the things you don’t know. If you don’t know, now you know to quote The Notorious B.I.G. How about I stop quoting the same Humdrum Six Impossible Things.

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Getting My Second Car Fixed
  6. I AM Finishing A Naughty Little Christmas by Lili Valente

I’ll tell you what, I’ll get some reading done today and you on Sunday agreed? Positives about Fears, they’re not dull Will Of The Humdrum.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 202 ~Willing On The Weekend~

I talked about staying alive one more day last week, and if something comes after this, then Saturday wasn’t so bad; the wonders of time-travel today being Friday and all, the weekend isn’t all you want it to be some days. Willing On The Weekend

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Log 202 ~Willing On The Weekend~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now because losing $375.00 sucks. It’s called being an adult, and at least it’s not a scam unless you count that one about loving Olds. You have nothing to complain about; you know everything you should be paying for anyway. Your Dæmon was $145.00, and you remember the price of the Ant Invasion. Termites are far worse. Of course, we know what the worst thing is, and while you try well more like I try (Friday NOW) to fight back the depression. Look at it this way, by now its Three Little Birds.”

There is so much to do, and yes, I take responsibility for doing nothing at all. Unless you count Far Cry 5 because, at this rate, I’ll be battling Jacob, tonight or tomorrow. Somehow I have remained two days ahead when it comes to this time-travel writing. I made three photo collages of Cherry; she liked two. Wasn’t I talking about fours the other day? Still, I downloaded three videos. There was Jenny Anderson, Brooke Lee Adams, and Mia Malkova last night. How about Alyssa Branch, there’s my forth. What’s with all the buses and trains lately? Let’s not get started on Aiden Starr that would make five. What about those collages again for Cherry, five pictures combined into one? Am I counting up all the wasted days or wanting to avoid Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 015 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 022 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Getting My Second Car Fixed
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing A Naughty Little Christmas by Lili Valente
    Failed

I don’t know how I’m hanging on to #1, and one of my Pinterest boards is exploding with 224 sections. All this talk about numbers all to hide the money, ain’t I being a Republican. Of course, the point is for you always to be a better man. Can I say all my sleep is leading to you being such a man Will, but what am I going to do tomorrow? Live, that’s one more fact, stay alive as they say in “Catching Fire.” Now that’s something I should say to my character. I don’t think I died yesterday, though. Jacob Seed isn’t as scary as my old man, and the Junior Deputy has plenty of guns, no doubt. If it’s not games though, how about books? Don’t get me wrong I still tell myself stories, and I finally want to write a new poem. What I do for women but not Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 022 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Getting My Second Car Fixed
  6. I AM Finishing A Naughty Little Christmas by Lili Valente

You have two days; Will be Willing On The Weekend.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 140 ~She Loves You Not Title~

I’m a BOSS, well not yet, I’m an author, not that either, a family man, well does my dog count and the occasional call from my mother when I “mess up” and as far as anyone else? She Loves You Not Title, but what am I now

Monday, November 18, 2019

Log 140 ~She Loves You Not Title~

Hundred And Eleventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but that shouldn’t matter, right? You know I’m not a prince, I could see myself shouting I’m King Of The World though. Between you and me, I know I’ll never be president. One of my motivations says, work hard, play hard, stay humble. When I get married, I still plan on dancing to that song, Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Now with all this out there, today I’m Will, and I’m still learning how that’s enough, it has to be Madam Justice.

You know every Sunday I say I’m going to be a better father but am I? My dæmon is eating, he’s warm and comfy, and takes his meds. Okay, so my father would throw money at his family, does that make him the “man of the year?” When it comes to my mom, I don’t have a clue what she thinks about me these days. It could be that I’m not much of a man because of Rockford. Sooner or later, I’ll finally write down the whole story of Indiana Gone’s wedding, not tonight, though. Yeah, momma, look at me, my significant accomplishments this evening? I wrote 1,200 words for the novel, I got Alpha in TWD, and I didn’t get fired. Speaking of which do you remember some time ago, I told you or one of the girls about Chris Pratt and Passengers. SIGH as the song goes, that’s how you know you messed up, still being somewhat polite.

Am I explaining what this has to do with today’s rule, if anything, honestly? I can be a lot of things to a particular woman, but one I refuse to be is a clown. Strange that I still buy into that quote from Marilyn Monroe about making a woman laugh. Look, I’ll even go the whole gold digger route because you know I want my money. Still, I said I was leaving that girl alone, and bam there is today. Yes, excuse me for always assuming the worst of people, and the jury is still out. I only wish I could be sure about people, but I’m not even sure about my kid. Women love illusion, but if you recall when I was a kid, I wanted to be a comedian. Is a girl laughing at my truths or at the joke I may portray?

She Loves You Not Title.

I Will Have No Fear