Saga 213 ~Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages~

Life is hard. Don’t recommend. I died between seven and twenty-one. Then came Braxton. And for fifteen years, it was “stay alive.” Then I was free to die. Hell! If I wanted that, why not skip this funeral. But tomorrow… Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages

Monday, January 30, 2023

Saga 213 ~Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… So what do you want to buy, you ask? A box? House, coffin, a place for Braxton?

My head hurts. I wish I could say it’s for Braxton. It should all be for B right this second. No such luck. I should be at the Day Job crying my eyes out to see my son die, Madam. But beside me sits a piece of black plastic and metal. I’m waiting to hear it ring about me “skipping” the Day Job today. To think I’d crave that place. “I don’t want to work….” Only I don’t want to go to my granddaddy’s funeral either. A man in a box… And honest to “God,” Madam. The only reason I’m going is that I don’t want to join in death… Fucking conflicted. Last night all I could think about was, “Free Your Mind.” “Bang, Bang”

In more ways than one, Madam. For now, let us focus instead on the boom, boom of a heart. But it should be my B’s heart. I look to my other side and see the box I put him in. Hell! I even moved Virgil out of the way. He’s sitting in Braxton’s room right now. If only he were Braxton, and that’s mean, I know. Again it was only last night Virgil crept out. Walking into the den, Virgil jumped up, wanting to cuddle. Did Virgil hear this heart? Broken? I keep saying that, but I can feel it pounding, and it will only get worse as the day goes on. There is no escape Madam. All last night I prayed for my death.

That’s something I’ll own. Or the “Bang, Bang” in my shorts. Fucking up this morning. Only it could be the guilt, fear, or anxiousness which also comes with masturbation. Yuck! Talk about something that should be kept surrounded by bones. Don’t you think so too? Skin and bones. Which appears even more likely when I see what I was getting back on the tax return. I won’t be boning anytime soon… that is if I paid for it. Working hard. Madam Justice, I wish I was today. It’s going to be a long day. But what about tomorrow, hmm? I put a better man in a box; my son Braxton. I can do without my head. My heart’s for Braxton. Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages.

729 Days Without B III, Day 170 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 206 ~I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity~

I ask authors, “things.” Or at least I read their books. The last one I talked to, I asked to see her yabbos. As far as asking anyone else anything… There’s B, but he never had answers. Comfort was enough. But speaking? “I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity”

Monday, January 23, 2023

Saga 206 ~I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means stupidity, lies, and damn “white supremacy” (in some cases). It’s damn near a language, Madam.

But as the song goes, “first let me explain that I’m just a black man.” And while I could go all into racism as people like Ron DeSantis will keep it prevalent. Fuck you, DeSantis! Madam, for now, let’s focus on me. Oh, what? Not on my dead kid? Every day we take a step closer to Braxton’s second anniversary. That’s the wrong word, isn’t it, Madam? His Memorial Day? Aren’t I full of questions today? Now that I’m awake… in a better state of mind. But we’ll get to that in a bit. First, there’s B III. If only he were still alive. Madam, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. Pretty ironic, huh? The one I turned to never had answers.

Again, at least Braxton was/is real. And I would have never given in this morning. Madam, you can relax. As I said, I’m up now. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed. Hairy butt? Virgil ticked me off last night. He’s becoming a brat with his outside time. Time-out? Last night he had to stay in Braxton’s room. So I didn’t bother thinking about behavior. Madam, I had mine to consider. My “Obsession” to go with another song. Fucking fuck. In case you were wondering where I was from, four in the morning, a half-hour. Cumming? I’m thankful that I didn’t. But there was Twitter, Tifa Lockhart’s tits, thumping over an English beauty, etc. How will I ever get over this? Boards don’t hit back. And some Triple D Yabbos?

It was either those or falling back asleep. The Million-dollar question. How do I exist? Every morning when I wake up… that’s Sugar Ray, by the way. Anyway, I look at the time. I was up at four again and settled down by 4:30. By five, I had an energy drink and had been watching The Last of Us reactions. On and off besides talking to you. And still, I wonder. Why don’t I have a billion dollars yet? You saw what it took to do banking and shopping. This week won’t be good, but with 100% truth, next week will be the worse since Sunday, January 31, 2021. Then 2022. Now a bratty friend in 2023. With no one to ask, I remain stupid. I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity

722 Days Without B III, Day 163 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 199 ~Find Pains Greater Than Fear~

Braxton is the word of God. As Christians say, God is Love. God to Dog. Easy mistake. Now FEAR and PAIN… I’ve claimed fear’s a great pain, next to losing B, the greatest. There’s Blue Balls, my “father, stupidity, and the GOP. Find Pains Greater Than Fear

Monday, January 16, 2023

Saga 199 ~Find Pains Greater Than Fear~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means I shouldn’t fear a damn thing. Honestly, there’s always… well, don’t need the cops knocking.

I don’t fear death. I wonder if Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. did. His birthday was yesterday and today’s his day… Hell! I wish I could say I looked into him first thing. Nope! Braxton. After that came porn. Then there was The Last of Us. Finally, Dr. King. He had much to fear. Fear is a great pain; I’m sorry, Grammarly and Hemmingway, for my lack of IQ. STUPIDITY! Next to the pain of my son’s passing/murder… Being Stupid is What Hurts The Most. It’s what leads me to read every single day. Or why I feel so “proud” watching The Last of Us and being all, “I understood that reference.” But nearly every waking moment Madam like the song goes, “I feel stupid!”

And to avoid it, I sleep only to feel worse after, for having to face the day. The time wasted. If you asked me what I wanted to do today, well, besides everything I’ve done since four in the morning. Well, starting with this conversation that we’re having. Fearing existence. There’s wanting to organize everything that’s piling up that I never get done. Lazy Ass! There’s also a book review I want to do… Things that keep me up, Madam. My Braxton, worrying things are breaking down. And some girls’ boobs. If only every book were written by a girl with a set of melons I’ve “almost” seen. But I won’t. But I’m not sleeping.

It’s a pain. But, yes, a fear as well, right?

Blue Balls keep me awake as well. I keep thinking, any minute now. I’m going to explode all over the place. If you saw what broke me from a 161-day streak mourning my B III.

A greater pain is what is about to happen a little less than an hour from now. I swear, dealing with people. At least this time, it isn’t my fault Madam. The pain my father brings. Isn’t it ironic? He is the one that not only brings pain but the very spirit of fear. But B? Braxton made me braver than I could ever know. But a pain far worse than my father could dare to dream. Then again, being brought to this existence? Fear? Find Pains Greater Than Fear.

715 Days Without B III, Day 156 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 192 ~Sleep, Is The New Broke~

How do I fix my wallet, want to be awake, and make myself worthwhile to my son? Work? Well, not my Day Job. But to write? Only I spend all my time sleeping, so the bed must be broken. How’s this for motivation? “Sleep Is The New Broke”

Monday, January 9, 2023

Saga 192 ~Sleep, Is The New Broke~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… and the first thing I’ll buy… if they can’t bring Braxton back from the ashes. A bed.

I know exactly where I got this rule from. It’s from one of Eric Thomas’s motivational speeches. And that’s what I should be talking about, but Wednesday, January 4, 2023. Madam, I can’t get the humiliation off my mind. Talk about having a big head. We’ll get to that, but you know what I mean today, Thursday, January 5, 2023. I didn’t want to wake up. I stay woke, but that’s because I feel such hatred, I’m horny, and he’s by my side, Little V. It’s hard to do anything STUPID when you have a fur baby. But dying, Madam? Yeah, the feelings aren’t going away. If I don’t die in this bed… It will break underneath me sometime soon. The way I’ve been sleeping.

Only sleeping? Don’t get your hopes up, Madam. The only play being done in this bed is Virgil running around. There are also several games not “Pictures on My Phone.” Wheeler Walker Jr, thank you very much. I got to talk to M Anime, and then there’s Cherry’s new book. Think of all the books I read if they were physical and not Kindle. There’s also the fact that I have all these conversations in the center of the bed. And when I’m done, it’s right back to sleep, despite how I say I’m getting things done. 4:00 AM, earlier? Then there’s the screaming, crying, and smashing my head against a pillow. No wonder Virgil tries to take it from me. Fur babies, boobies, balls.

Well, I only got two of those. And I do mean balls. I’m still not sure about V and boobies. I’ve mentioned how horny I’ve been, which again brings to mind chatting up the ladies. Now I won’t be breaking the bed anytime soon, bouncing. But I may be breaking my wallet at some point. And with how I’ve been behaving at the Day Job, cutting out early this week. I mean 5th and the 3rd. What? I don’t want the money. It’s Humiliations Galore. I can’t take it, Madam. But if I could stay awake? Hell! I planned on seeing M3GAN this week, and then there’s The Last of Us. I’m broke in more ways than one, Madam. But Sleep Is The New Broke

708 Days Without B III, Day 149 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 185 ~Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness~

The second day of the new year, and am I comfortable yet? I wish I could have that day when I scooped B up, told him to shush, and fell asleep. He was dying, and I wasn’t being polite… ignoring him. Such a lesson. Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness.

Monday, January 2, 2023

Saga 185 ~Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means a lot more comfort and surely much less politeness. That might make a good resolution.

I’m speaking to you from a year ago, Madam. Saturday, December 31, 2022, being precise. And much like right this moment, as the song goes, “there is no love here, and there is no pain.” The Day Job? The indifference that led to the death of my son. One thing remains. But this week Madam. Hell! Today, yesterday, the day before? Whatever song gets picked. I’ve gone from “He’s My Son” to “Am I A Psycho.” There’s “The Way,” “Every Day Is Exactly The Same,” and “Enormous Penis.” Um, ok, that would be… uh, uncomfortable. First off, my continuing to exist makes me pretty damn uncomfortable. A terrible sign for the beginning of the year. Only what, Madam, “Put On A Happy Face.” My resolution?

It begins with the truth. The Man in the Mirror is never comfortable. Unless he and I agree… “we pretend that we’re dead.” I only took a short nap today and spoke to Lunalesca and Braxton. Anyway, back to my resolution. It’s not “I’m Here”; it’s “I’m waiting to see who will piss me off.” That’s my new phrase for the Day Job. Politeness? Again that quickly fell to indifference which killed my kid. Then there’s Virgil (sigh). But the thing is, B III is still here. And while I can’t say I’ll speak comforting memories, I’ll speak “B.” And while there is no way I’ll keep this promise as long as I’m talking. I’ll be “me” like I was with him. Always and forever…

Well, minus the porn, as you can see. Bible Black? I can do so much worse, Madam. Today I unsubscribed from a girl on OnlyFans for… fart jokes, eww. But I hope I haven’t fallen back into jerking off so soon, especially this month. The Zoe Colletti, Tifa Lockhart pain… I want to publish a book this year. Which will be one of the polite ones. Yet you know there are plenty that aren’t so much. What to do with them? Get uncomfortable and work; that’s the big thing. I try to be so polite to others. And then I’m more so to myself, Madam. Holding back everything seems so damn polite. But if I want any real comfort here… Comfort’s Not Limited To Politeness.

701 Days Without B III, Day 142 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 178 ~Everyone Lies Without Any Exceptions~

The alarm goes off to work at a Day Job I hate, to see people I despise, so I can continue deviant, sinful, skeevy behaviors. And then I have a son/dog to mourn and a “friend”/dog to support. I’m a good liar, but Everyone Lies Without Any Exceptions.

Monday, December 26, 2022

Saga 178 ~Everyone Lies Without Any Exceptions~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… that makes me a pretty big motherfucking liar. Pardon my French. That explains why I hate myself.

And yes, I will hate myself more. It’s all just icing on the cake with my big sin Madam J. The one thing that I never lie about. I killed my son. B III’s blood is on my hands always. And sure, with my time traveling and all. It’s 3:30 in the afternoon on Christmas day, so you know what that means about tomorrow. Hell! I could tell you about the liars I’m going to see. But what good would it do? To quote a Christmas film, “Scrape ’em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!” Yes, I’m using that out of context. It’s practice. Madam, if anything, I need to become a better liar. The things I told my son. What I tell Virgil.

Well, not yet. By the time you read this, it will have been 135 days. But do you see any women walking around here? Only you on the page and perhaps in one Christmas gift. Relax, Madam, the money was already spent on an artist, Opiumud, and the porn “Bounty Hustler Queen rush!” Talk about something to do at Christmas. I still want a family? One of the things M Anime likes about me is I don’t lie to her. I’m like every other guy. That means, of course, I do. But I try to tell her how it is short of becoming Akon or Wheeler. I Wanna Fuck You, or God Told Me To Fuck You. With women, I need to be a “gentleman.”

Which is why I would both excel and fuck up being a member of the GOP. Oh, I can lie, J. The thing is, I own that shit. You notice I don’t say my bed, food, money or anything J. Madam, you want to know what I own, what’s mine? FEAR! I’m afraid of everything, everyone, every day, always. And the fact that I bother getting up in the morning means I lie constantly. So why do I want to sleep all day? Because I can’t stand a liar Madam. The lies get bigger, and so do the people that tell them. But B III and 2V? They don’t lie. And Braxton’s Aunt, M Anime, and Cherry… to be real. Everyone Lies Without Any Exceptions.

694 Days Without B III, Day 135 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 171 ~I Dare You To Fail~

I don’t fear failure. No, my problem is I hate living. People fail at life, including me, daily. It’s exhausting. But failure? How many NaNoWriMo’s have I done to fail one or Kindle Reading Challenges. Hell! Keeping my pants on. “I Dare You To Fail.”

Monday, December 19, 2022

Saga 171 ~I Dare You To Fail~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Hell! I say that like it’s my middle name, much like murderer, pervert, and yeah, even failure.

Where do I begin? Nine times out of ten, it’s with my son. I failed to save him when he needed me most. You’re getting sick of me saying that. AHEM, Day 687, and counting. And while I’m focused on today, I failed to wake up on time. Oh, I rose on time but went right back to sleep. When it comes to the Day Job, yep, I was up on time, no doubt. Then while I was there, I failed to escape Humiliations Galore for God knows how many days. And as always, I failed to be the man Braxton thinks I am. And that’s a good Dad. But if you need some optimism, Madam, I failed to join him wherever he now resides.

Must be some comfy spot because he still hasn’t come back. And Virgil? More optimism. I keep trying, but Enabran Tain was a better “father” to Garak. He trained Garak… Madam, that’s some Star Trek: Deep Space Nine for you. To be one of those people who loves TV and things. I hope I’m not so terrible. But then again, I fail loving, the truth. Madam, do you dare me to tell the truth, or is that one more thing I would fail at? What is the truth, you ask? I could tell you everything, and what would that lead to? It would show my entire life has been a failure. But that’s where this rule comes from. Listening to Eric Thomas many years ago.

I dare you to fail is I dare you to live. And despite everything, I still get up. Never willingly. Unless we’re talking about my addiction, which shows I have gotten past one day of keeping my cock in my pants. But for how much longer? Masturbating… this man’s failure. Madam, that’s less embarrassing than talking to myself. I would do that even before B. When he was around, at least I appeared less crazy. And then, when he left, it was the silence, Madam. It was like I could hear B’s voice but V’s. Only when he’s crying, Madam. But Virgil’s trying too. Fur-babies don’t fail; that’s people. Don’t let me be a failure. Is it up to me? I Dare You To Fail

687 Days Without B III, Day 128 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 164 ~Dream Big Enough To Wake~

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams? Nope. Last night I dreamt of candy, pizza, and a breakfast sampler platter (yeah, Succubus Lord). It got as far as steak and sushi. Now, as the song goes, “the dreams in which I’m dying….” Dream Big Enough To Wake.

Monday, December 12, 2022

Saga 164 ~Dream Big Enough To Wake~

Two-Hundred and Seventieth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but nine times out of ten, you wouldn’t know it by looking at me. Peaches & Cream, more like hoodies and jeans.

If anything, when I dream of the future, well, consider last night. Simplistic. That’s if I want to be nice about it because all I was dreaming about, Madam, was “I Want Candy.” Strawberry and Blue Raspberry, to be specific. Hell! I can walk to the mini-mart. Even before I went to bed, it was all about pizza. I need to stop listening to Succubus Lord every day. If it’s not the “people” porn we get to, it’s the food porn that comes along with those books. I’ve gone from pizza to steak, a breakfast platter, and sushi. A man and his stomach. But it beats getting up because of nature’s call. Or the nightmare that awaits me most days

I call it a Day Job. If my alarm had gone off for that… But no, I only got up to jerk off or rather edge. And that was after letting 2V answer nature’s call. If you’re asking why I’m so late talking to you. If anything, I want to go back to sleep as usual. To live the dream… 680 days now. My vision remains the same. That B III is alive and well. I want my son back. Do you remember when I’d dream he would have all the room to run in the world? Or that he would be on a beach playing with his two-legged siblings. I see him, my Braxton the grey or the white. Too old for this shit

Ironic that my boy dreamed of staying with me, and when I dream now, I want to follow him and never wake up. Another reason that while Virgil is not Braxton. B III sent Virgil? Honestly, he’s plenty white, ha-ha. A ghost in this house? Joining the club, right, Madam. And then there’s what I say every day. This little ball of fluff is pushing me out of bed every day. Hell! Sometimes I’m mad enough to move him but does anger beat indifference? Emotions that are big enough to wake me. But not one is ever for good. Morning wood inspires me to find someone. Reminding me of what I once dreamed. Having a family. That’s a big dream. Dream Big Enough To Wake

680 Days Without B III, Day 121 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 157 ~Luxury’s Nonessential; Beauty, Good Are~

What do I want for my life? 673 days, it’s been, ‘I want my son back.’ But when he was here, I’d sing, “I want the money and the cars, and the clothes, the hoes, I suppose” Luxuries? Having a friend like him? “Luxury’s Nonessential; Beauty, Good Are”

Monday, December 5, 2022

Saga 157 ~Luxury’s Nonessential; Beauty, Good Are~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. If you talked to me yesterday… I’d have fewer dollars and desires. Be less of a dick.

Like this rule, I am still determining how I ended up on a list for Better Homes & Gardens. Millionaire/Billionaire addition. Wouldn’t that be “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous?” I’m letting my age show, aren’t I? I’m thirty-eight, and what do I have to show for it, Madam? It was only last night that one of the bathroom rugs got a bit too ripe for me. So I washed it instead of getting a new one. Duh! But it’s been years, Madam. A lifetime? What about when I was at the eye doctor a couple of weeks back? I wonder if I told this story, but I wore the old glasses until one side snapped. Besides, you know, seeing. I wanted the same type for my son B III.

I stand by my vow. Everything is exactly the same. It’s more like the song Every Day Is Exactly The Same. Yes, I haven’t left that day ever. Sunday, January 31, 2021. I need that day; I need B. Ok, so while I cry and you tell me I shouldn’t remember him like that. There’s his pillow I destroyed. The hoody and sheets I had to wash. I should again soon. Virgil Vivi is upstairs. Madam, what was it I said about being less dickish? A Deer Head Chihuahua puppy? That would be a luxury. Instead, I got a Chihuahua mix who’s two; and what drew me to him. He could pee on the pad, and he’s got no balls… figuratively and literally. The fuck!

That was mean, but 2V is a good boy. Only I keep saying it. B III didn’t reincarnate as him. A fact I can let go for now. Um, you know what I’m reading. But these books got dogs too. And speaking of being a “dog,” what about my views on women. A shallow bastard. That’s not changing anytime soon, but I look to M Anime, Cherry, Braxton’s Aunt once. “Beautiful Girls” sure, there’s a lot of “Pretty Girls” in this city. Finding a “Cheerleader?” You know what I want, Madam. And yet I’m willing to “settle” down. Myself sigh. Because having the brothel/haram that Dennis Hof once had is a luxury. I’m jealous of the life I “deserve,” but Luxury’s Nonessential; Beauty, Good Are

673 Days Without B III, Day 114 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 150 ~ Don’t Speak Ill Speak Truth~

“Mark of the beast…” 666 Days without my son. If I were a better man, I would have published the story of my angel, my devil, and the prince. He lived true, and as for me. I exist in a world of lies. How else am I “alive?” Don’t Speak Ill Speak Truth

Monday, November 28, 2022

Saga 150 ~ Don’t Speak Ill Speak Truth~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can have a big mouth. I hear the snickers already. Me, talking, like ever?

I think of that saying, “Don’t speak ill of the dead.” Was it Dawson’s Creek S2.E19 “Abby Morgan, Rest in Peace?” Fuck! That was May 5, 1999. I was still in high school. Fuck me! Anyway, before that, there was Daria S1.E13, “The Misery Chick.” That was July 21, 1997. Hell! Let’s go more recent. There is Jason David Frank, aka Tommy, November 19, 2022. But, of course, the first two were fictional deaths. As far as Jason goes… who am I to speak, Madam? Back in my day, ha-ha. Oh, I was a big fan of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I remember my Ma telling the church congregation about my “love” for TMNT. A lie when spoken back then. Make Me Wanna Die!

Another saying. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We know better now, don’t we? Don’t we? It’s one of the reasons I want to be a writer ha. I desire such power; an idea, a thought, or a belief can destroy. It’s the lies, dear Madam. Do you wish to create monsters? Are you ready to see Hell? How does one raise the dead? It’s with a LIE. To think STUPIDITY is the virus I fear. That is a disease of the living, Madam. With a LIE, the things you can do. That is sorcery, my discipline, necromancy. Is fiction a LIE? I create, I destroy, I rise, but most of all, I speak. Yet I hate liars.

If I’m not living for Braxton’s memory… You didn’t think I forgot about him? And, of course, there’s Virgil, who still needs me? What did I say about liars? Reincarnation? Madam, I live to tell the truth. But what can a Simple Man do? I don’t live; not at all. Existence since… Hell! I don’t know when. We are The Walking Dead. Rick said once. Then again, we are the ones who live. But not forever because I will tell the truth. Even if all I am doing is playing out some 1984 fantasy. A documentary or reality, for sure. The only death sticking with me is my son’s. Who Wants To Live Forever? The truth shall set you free. Don’t Speak Ill Speak Truth

666 Days Without B III, Day 107 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will