Gospel 286 ~Can’t Buy B Love~

B was here when I was gaming. I haven’t picked up a controller in months. He was here when I was doing my thing to make money. Such a bad attitude for a writer, but I love it and him, and if I were getting paid, might he be alive? “Can’t Buy B Love.”

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Gospel 286 ~Can’t Buy B Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m not saying you’re a gold digger. If you’re asking anything… where is the love?

Now make no mistake, I love you more each and every single day. I love our children, which is why you know that Braxton’s passing is hard. Where is the love? It’s sitting in a box on the nightstand; it’s hanging around my neck. Baby Girl, it’s in Braxton’s bedroom. It is funny, isn’t it seeing as how he never used it unless we um… yep he was just one of the kids, my firstborn. A softer bed wouldn’t have helped the situation. In the end, I would have spent my last dime on fries, but he didn’t want food. I only want to be with you. That’s my Braxton. Also, you too. If it’s not song references, should I compare thee to my dog all day? Maybe not, hmm?

I’m comparing you to the only love I have ever known for almost sixteen years. He was worth everything I own; well, we own now. I waste cash on myself, no doubt. Only it was B III that made me want to work so hard, to give him so much, and I didn’t try enough. It’s as if I can’t find the balance, My Love. Love wasn’t enough to save him. While I doubt all my fortune would have done anything, it would have been worth a try or something. With you, I give all this wealth but what you’re not feeling is any love from it. I still try. Baby Doll, that’s what I promise, that I will always try, and it is there.

I told you once before how I’m into Aloe Blacc’s “Wake Me Up.” There are these two lines in particular: “Life’s a game made for everyone. And love is the prize.” Love isn’t such a thing. No, love is the instruction manual, and I just lost mine. So, continue, insert quarters? It’s better than me walking away, deciding I don’t want to play anymore, then what? I wouldn’t rob you of Player 2, but I lost Braxton, and I need time to learn this game again. Have you had enough of my game analogy yet? I haven’t been spending on gaming. Hell, the quiet is killing me, but we have to pay for that too in Life. Will you lay here? Can’t Buy B Love.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 285 ~I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain~

I never told B III about Heaven, The Rainbow Bridge, Paradise, at least not until the very end because I always thought I would be better. I’d give him a bigger yard, a mom, siblings to pet him, but who am I? I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain, anymore

Monday, April 12, 2021

Gospel 285 ~I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain~

Hundred And Eighty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and pretty Hoity-Toity, to say the least. It helps Braxton’s not picky.

As it comes to what my grandma used to say about my pride, I go back and forth. As the song goes, “To hell with my pride,” or take a cue from Marsellus Wallace. “Fuck pride. Pride only hurts. It never helps.” Ok, so I want to live in another world, “Far Cry 5” hmm. This is going to sound very familiar. I keep thinking it was my wrath that killed Braxton. It was aimed at other people, never at him, and in so doing, I ignored him. Again I turn to my pride, or maybe it was his. I told Indiana Gone that he wanted better. Meat, not cheese. I started buying hot dogs, B III got classier food, his medications were a must.

The thing is, Madam Justice and I won’t stop saying it. My Son Deserved A Better Daddy. I let people diminish me, and in so doing, I diminished him, and my apathy for us both led to his death. My life is their fucking bargain and B’s love which is a gift I simply left. Here come pride again, that I was such a despicable human being that I alone killed him. I could play God or the Devil in his eyes. Because how does everyone else look at me. I’m so sick of being nothing, and then I look at the empty bed and full dishes. I have nothing. What I refuse is to have anyone look at Braxton as people look at me.

I have been looking too, ten weeks now at everything. Braxton’s more expensive food, but what if I had stuck to the cheap stuff? What if I bought that water filter for the fridge? 99% of doctors were excellent. What if I asked them to heal Braxton; paperwork’s still here. Yes, I know he’s dead, but they could have been running more tests. I could have been brushing his teeth, better grooming, buying him doggy steps. More walks in the sunshine, A Million Little Things before he made the Rainbow Connection. Last pop-culture reference, swear. I want to tell him, Madam Justice, that I am trying. I fail, but I won’t stop; 5000 words yesterday. If people, if God wants me, don’t look for bargains. I Won’t Be Anyone’s Bargain.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 284 ~B Eager As Ever~

When I was a kid (ha-ha), the Book Fair was, well, my second favorite thing. Dogs were first. And now, being an adult (funny) with only the memory of my son and m library mostly digital… it’s rare when anything good comes to the door. B Eager As Ever

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Gospel 284 ~B Eager As Ever~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you’re still tired, hoping you’ll be a better man, but you’re “home,” so yeah, Braxton’s life.

Ever so grateful for his. You can’t say that enough. It’s official or will be around 4:00 PM. Braxton has been gone 70 days or 10 weeks, does two months, and some change suit you better. I was once annoyed by how people talked about their newborns. You want to treasure every single breath, right? Every Day Is Exactly The Same as the song goes. With all the routines that will be keeping you alive, I’m sure you’ll be fighting the urge to live exactly that. I’m sorry that I failed you in that idea. Again you’re living as B III, living for him. Should I give the spiel or sing He Lives In You? Enormous, hopes, wishes, and dreams but not Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 12 by Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 100 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 107) No Fap
  5. I Am Getting In Touch With Someone About A B III Tattoo
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Enemies that I suppose you’ll avoid well, four of them at least. Are you going to blame Camp NaNoWriMo? You’d never blame Braxton but that Day Job of yours, and then what are you doing to change the situation? Yeah, I know you’re getting started, 5:00 AM, damn fucking world. Egregious, isn’t it? And I’m not only talking about your language. I’ve been thinking about all the lessons that B taught. It’s like when he was here, I didn’t know it, but I had it all. Now you have enough. Becoming a Billionaire seems to be getting further and further away, like 5000 words, ha. Energy, peace, and I’m not Whitney Houston or Hank Hill to wish you, LOVE. A curse of Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Katie: A Novella by Mo Ibrahim
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 107 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Getting In Touch With Someone About A B III Tattoo
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Eking out a living is no way to live, and yet I ask you like those motivations you no longer play to be grateful. I’ll admit that even I was for a few minutes yesterday afternoon, so one is ready. Easy way to say this is. Be like B. You remember how he was with you would bring fries home, and he would be prepared to tear into them. Yesterday I received another book and read it on the counter. Enlightenment may not be the order of the day, but why choose fear, pain, and oh this world again. You could make that an Impossible Thing, like living without B. But find something… um good. Eagerness, like Braxton to stay. Please, B Eager As Ever.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 279 ~A Link To Braxton~

Braxton for nearly sixteen years was my family, no is family, forever and always. With all the tornados still I grab “him” while I hide. Well not really I put him under the stairs and go sit on the couch. A Link To Braxton, it’s dangerous to go alone

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Gospel 279 ~A Link To Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so it’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. The “this” was my Braxton, and without him…

Link had his sword, as did King Arthur with Excalibur and Captain America with his shield and Mjolnir for a bit. I could go with King Ezekiel and Shiva, Sango and Kirara. Um, All Dogs Go To Heaven, but Hell has Cerberus too. Yes, Love you married a nerd, ha. You’re my Player 2 but Braxton… If I were to go into everything my little boy meant to me, I would never stop. Have I come close yet, as it’s been two months? How long did I pursue you even though it was “Love At First Sight?” It was the same with B III Love. You must be getting sick of me with these comparisons, but he was the greatest life I have ever known.

So “Excuse me, Princess,” a Legend of Zelda reference. I’m more like “You are My Queen,” but even Daenerys didn’t have to watch ALL her Dragons die. We have our legacy, My Love, but still, I mourn my Dragon, my Dæmon, my dog, dearest Braxton. These days I’m lost, Baby Girl. I’m in the dungeon (not the playroom). I’m not supposed to be here because if the hero was all alone without… anything, he would die. I am dying, and even now, I know B III is telling me to carry on. Forgive me, B, but I don’t know how? Or I do as “A Man Provides,” but why don’t I want to. Do princesses need saving, the prince a mentor, and you, my Queen?

I hear you singing to me, “I Want To Hold Your Hand.” Only I’m a boy that misses petting his dog. The kids want to run around at the park, and all I want is Braxton barking away in the yard. Everything I have in the kitchen with my “Left Hand Free” and right too. Baby Doll, I can no longer carry my boy, and that’s when I had practically nothing but him. A seven-pound ball of fluffy goodness who my father, my sister, and so many others think of as some NPC in life. Braxton was the purpose, the Triforce, all the Pokémon, the endgame. And in trying to find him I fear I’m losing us My Love. I need A Link To Braxton.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 278 ~Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off~

Keep your pants on… well, I don’t want to go to work, but if I had my dream job, I wouldn’t need them. If anything, I want to go back to bed and cuddle with Braxton, but he’s gone. Writing can be done with or without so. Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off.

Monday, April 5, 2021

Gospel 278 ~Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off~

Hundred And Eighty-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but this isn’t Futurama; Easter has passed, and can’t, but me love…

I swear, Madam Justice if I had the dollars, I would spend every day in bed. Of course, I do that already, and I’m broke. You know what I mean, I’m surviving but nowhere close to alive. I’d be lying if I said that I even want to without B. No, I’m not suicidal generally. If anything, I want more time. Anger and worry take a lot, and how about Depression. That sounds like a fucking excuse; pardon my language. B III spent so much time trying to fix me. If I had those last days back from the Day Job and writing, always writing. Funny that I haven’t given it up amongst the things I’m no longer doing. It’s the monk’s life for me.

Or maybe something more akin to Mahatma Gandhi… more on him later. Now didn’t I say money can’t buy me love? Some people might refute that by answering, have you ever paid the adoption price? I don’t know how much Braxton “cost.” A man provides. If I could provide, I would have found Braxton a mom. I think we’re going to need a bigger bed. If I fell asleep, B would have had someone to dole out the treats for him. I wanted him to meet his siblings in diapers sneaking him all he could eat, till he burst, ha. One big happy family, Braxton and I, survived the first plague year together. And again, my pockets were empty. It hasn’t stopped me, buying pants.

I would instead buy more books which means buying more studies on Mahatma Gandhi. Well, not mainly, but I did learn something about practicing “Brahmacharya.” Photography has been something that fascinated me and certain kinds of art. Most days, I pull up my sweat pants, and I don’t know; I did write five-thousand words yesterday. Braxton had faith that my writing would lead somewhere. That’s why he always allowed me to do it unopposed, even to the very end. I’ve worked at the Day Job for a decade, about, and my pockets have never been fat. Only now, my heart is empty, and if I could sell my soul, or vow chastity, at least asexuality… Am I Bargaining? No, I’ll stick with Denial. Empty still, Full Pockets, Pants Fall Off.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 277 ~Love, Madness, Lies Braxton~

Last week I mentioned the caveman commercial, and this week it was the old “Obsession” Ad. Anything I focus on, you could say I became obsessed with. I was with Braxton, and then I grew aphetic and what happened next. “Love, Madness, Lies Braxton.”

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Gospel 277 ~Love, Madness, Lies Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I got “a king-size tub big enough for ten plus me,” like the song goes.

Ok, even if you or I had that much room, that’s the one place B III wouldn’t go. Not unless he was getting a bath (I paid groomers) or he was sick. So before you forget, are you even going to shower today and not in a procrastination sort of way? But who’s waiting now? Speaking of forgetfulness, you do know that today is Easter Sunday. Not that it matters to you not being a man of faith and all. Your last REAL prayers were for what? You could wax all poetic like the Christians, QAnon folk, the Republican party. A list of “um, well.” The only thing you have in common with them is a collection of excuses for losing. Yeah, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Innocents by Cathy Coote
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 093 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 100) No Fap
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
    Completed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Obsession, isn’t it? Well, it depends on what you choose to follow. For you, it’s Braxton, which is apparently unacceptable. You’re Chuckie, and Braxton was Melville… “I Remember Melville.” People follow the “living dead” all the time, especially today, right? It’s something you miss about Braxton. As there is no one, not family, not Indiana Gone, M Anime, or Grandma, that is here for you, every day. Now your actual Grandma said you were one for Pride. I mean, who the hell are you? To Braxton, you were the world. Now isn’t that a sobering thought to go from being a god to nothing at all? Yet you were the one who worshipped him, always trying to be better for him with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 12 by Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 100 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Getting In Touch With Someone About A B III Tattoo
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Opioids aren’t raining from the sky for this type of pain you’re going through. When I was a boy, I would look for stuff to take the edge off. No, I never did hard drugs but more excuses, distractions, anything to waste time. I swore that was Pokemon, Anime, Hentai. Only yesterday, while I was reading more Eric Vall, I got into more “forbidden texts.” Oh, what, reading about Succubi, Lilith, and the Circles of Hell aren’t enough? As you can see on Six Impossible Things, why haven’t you finished B’s collection yet? Too Much! Obsession kills, and yet you keep coming back. Without Braxton or your very own Taylor Townsend “The OC,” you’re alone.

Could say paranoid but “Find Me.” Love, Madness, Lies Braxton.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Still Salty About B III “A Dream”

Talk about pouring salt on a wound. And as the song goes, “These wounds won’t seem to heal. This pain is just too real.” To be honest, I’ll take a dream about Braxton than being trapped in boxes at the Day Job. Still Salty About B III “A Dream.”

I’m reminded of the night my Olds cut me off. Most of the police were gone. Thank you ever so much, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. For once again, proving no one gives a shit if I live or die. Only, that was so many years ago, and my dream brought that back some. Except in my dream, it was daylight. I had my current car, which is far from a Mercedes. I wasn’t at my former “home.” I was sitting in the parking lot of PetSmart, where there’s a Banfield Pet Hospital. Braxton died there.

I’m not blaming them or anything. This is my fault but anyway, so my dream…

I’m sitting in the car, but I’m not alone. B III is riding shotgun, and he’s not sick. He’s happy and giddy, but he wants outside. He smiles, and I pat his head. Usually, he’s frightened of car rides, and of course, he’s still standing, but there’s no fear in him, only an eagerness. My “Dear Future Wife” is sitting in the backseat. At this point, I’ve narrowed it down to three girls. Her face is that of Anna Vlasova, “Alissa” MarvelCharm. Her body is more Alycia Debnam-Carey, yep. Then we get breasts, and there are two words Sabrina Nichole. Then there was my “father” sitting beside her. How does one tell a nightmare from a dream? He was a big red flag, not literally. With him being there, I should have gone ahead and woke up, but I didn’t.

The vision played on until my alarm woke me up, and I didn’t scream or even grumble. It didn’t slip away these images. Like my memory of being cut off, it only sat there waiting, which brings me here today. Fifty-Eight days since Braxton’s passing, and I know, I do. I should get on with the dream. I should get past this feeling… As the song goes, “Let It Go.” Only there were no Disney characters to be had. I’ve been through Legion to John Wick, but only one film truly stands, and it’s this.

The Count of Monte Cristo (2002). In my dream, I was Edmond Dantes, but I was still me, hoody and all. My wife again was the three girls I described. My father in this, what I remember is black. He could be a zombie for all I care but was he the villain or all.

The door on the passenger side opens. Braxton never goes out that way as he crawled over my lap in real life. He’s tugging on his leash, eager to get to the store. More importantly, to get to the hospital in back. It was rare for us to simply walk the store as he usually has an appointment at the groomers or the vet. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind where he wanted to go. I’ve laughed a lot, telling him, “are you going to walk in like a man?” In the dream, I got scared holding his leash.

Braxton pulled and tugged. Whether he wanted me to follow or let go, I wasn’t sure at the moment. I held on tighter as Braxton barked towards PetSmart as if he were asking for help. It was the complete opposite, the day he passed away. Hell, I carried Braxton there. Wifey said something like I needed to let him go, and I shouted at her, “He’s all I have!” My Braxton was, no, is my world, and no matter what she said or did, I couldn’t give up. As I said, she was a combination of three of the most beautiful women, but B III. Wifey opens the door and begins pulling out piles of money from the trunk. There are clothes and gold, diamonds. My eyes were fixed on Braxton, but I knew all the stuff was back there being taken from me, and it didn’t matter. Braxton’s struggling

My “father” says the same thing, to let Braxton go, and I scream at him, “Don’t rob me of my hate; it’s all I have!” Now, wait a minute, I thought that was B III? At this point, I could no longer see him beyond the car door. I felt him continue to try and drag me, but I wanted him back in the car. We would be safe together. My “father” left the car, and like my wife, he began pulling things out. Only in his arms were guns and knives. I thought of my mother taking my first pocket knife. It was a Spiderman back when he was with Venom. It was black and white with the Spiderman emblem. The blade was black with white webbing. It was my favorite, but it’s gone.

So there’s my wife grabbing green and my father taking guns. A wicked world, cruel…

Before Braxton, Wifey, and my “father” left, I heard the three of them like one voice. “Let It Go,” but did I let go, or was there nothing left of me. I won’t give up ever. B gave me one of those looks when he’s like, “Really, Dad, Seriously, Daddy.”

All three doors slammed together, and I was left alone in the car. All that remained was Braxton’s black leash and hippy collar. With the blue towel, I had placed beneath him. The day this really happened, I burst into tears and couldn’t go home. I went to Walmart of all places and picked out a black digital frame. I also picked up BBQ because my mom called, saying I had to eat. You don’t want to know what I wanted to do, but I didn’t because Braxton was watching. There had been a storm minutes before but now sunlight.

In the dream, though, I continued to sit there. It was like the movie 1408, but it was only my car instead of a hotel room. John Cusack, aka Mike Enslin, had to listen to “We’ve Only Just Begun” as the room tortured him. As I sat in my car, it began to fill up with salt. I wasn’t afraid. As a matter of fact, I wanted to dive in, no question. The car was becoming an hourglass. Yes, I know those have sand, but Braxton never went to a beach. I wasn’t cold, and I don’t do drugs. Well, I never did cocaine anyway. As I was buried alive…

The Devil by PJ Harvey
Everyone Says Hi (Defiance Version) by Young Beautiful in a Hurry feat Fyfe Monroe
He’s My Son by Mark Schultz

I listened, and not once did I want to escape; I only sat there waiting for the inevitable. The nightmare didn’t end. I saw flashes. Pornos I have, an air pistol with its orange tip, other real weapons, cash. In all of that, though, I never saw Braxton again, only his collar and the endless white. I don’t know if I lived or died, but the alarm went off, and that was that. It’s been a typical day so far. I can’t say “Another Day” anymore. I did clean out Braxton’s old dog dish. It’s been about two months, and something furry was growing. I wanted to keep the can of special food, another mess.

What does it all mean? I’ll break down four elements of the dream; Three, Wifey, Father, and all the Salt.

The Number Three: His name is Braxton Barks Bradford. There were three people in the car or three lives other than my own. Braxton started getting sick on Wednesday, which is actually the fourth day of the week. However, he died on a Sunday, meaning the next Wednesday would be the third day of his death. With my “OCD,” I test things by three’s. I have three women in my life, my mom, Indiana Gone, and M Anime. It’s like that book “The Five,” the main character, “Rainey Summer Day.”

Wifey: Speaking of Rainey Summer Day and how, when Braxton died, there was a storm, and then the sun was out. I suppose she represented love and lust. I haven’t been open to anything since losing Braxton. I’m a man, I have desires, I’m horny, but there is no will both figuratively and literally. Everything I do in life is about sex, and at the same time, I want love. I want a family. Only no one understands the love I have for my son, and losing him, costs everything.

Father: He, of course, represents my hate. If it’s not sex, then let it be violence. Since Braxton’s been gone, I’ve been in a rage, but I’m always fighting it. Anger is the second stage of grief which is another step towards Acceptance. I refuse to accept that. My son is dead, and yet I can’t stop. His water bowl is filled every day. Losing all of my weapons, the ability to wage war. On the one hand, it helps maintain my Denial, but if I can’t love or hate?

Salt: Braxton is my balance, my constant, my peace. It’s why he sat at my right hand. Why did B want me to let him go? The day he left, all he wanted was to go home, but I chose this path. Salty tears, hmm? Everyone Says Hi goes, “said you sailed a big ship, said you sailed away,” ocean? It could mean diet, which has been lacking. It could have something to do with sex since I won’t allow any pleasure. Or looking back, becoming a pillar of salt.

A dream, a nightmare, nothing at all, I don’t know. Only that’s how I feel. Salt preserves. My nothingness preserved.

Gospel 272 ~Braxton In The Mercedes~

Maybe I’m dehydrated. Braxton got like that once, a little dog like that walking in the southern heat? My diet could use a change; I’m living off Walmart wings and Subway. Grateful I have a car, but nobody is riding shotgun. “Braxton In The Mercedes”

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

Gospel 272 ~Braxton In The Mercedes~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but as the song goes, Money “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Of course, the jury’s still out.

The businesses I’m in… Hell, I know more than most. Did I ever tell you that when I was young, I wanted to be a veterinarian? How about the fact that Braxton was a gift and not to me but my sister? He wasn’t even the first dog I ever watched die; a puppy’s blood. People can be so STUPID, My Love. Myself included, or so I’ve been thinking since… well, you know when. I took Braxton’s love for granted, and now yours, the children’s, I keep none for myself. It all comes back to me, or as I keep saying, “A Man Provides.” There’s plenty of men that do that, and how little do they know about love. My father, I hate the bastard.

Still, he’s the one that bought Braxton. As Shakespeare wrote, “My only love sprung from my only hate!” My father, um accused me of murder. As I stood in the parking lot that day delivering the news that my little B III had passed. But it wasn’t the accusation, though. What do I mean by accusation? It is what it is. B is gone because of me. You say that’s me hating myself, and I think, that’s the whole point, well two? Understand the first is easiest to bear as I watch you and the children, our family, what remains of us, All Of Me. Always and forever, “even if I come back, even if I die,” you’ll want for nothing. But there’s my love.

You want that back, Baby Girl. I love you and our family, but do you know how many times my father said that to me. How many times did I say it to Braxton daily?

This brings me to my dream last night. I dreamt I was Edmond Dantes, and you were my Mercedes. You asked me did I suffer, and no, I was not in the Chateau d’If. It was with Braxton’s death. I begged you, pleaded with you not to rob me of my hate as Edmond had. I watched you, my father, take my weapons. It wasn’t any love but an arsenal leaving me with nothing; my second point. My father taught me I deserved neither love nor hate because I’m nothing.

Before you, I had always been a fool. I became a best friend, a father. Now I may lose it all. I have lost it all, but no, you’re still here, but I see the man in the mirror these days. I want to take him away from you. Braxton wouldn’t have that, but no love, no hate. What’s left? In my dream, it was my old car. Braxton didn’t die in a car, but I was buried alive in salt inside after losing everything.

It was only a dream because you’re here, but I’m not… Braxton In The Mercedes

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 271 ~Know Your Sins Before Others~

I’m an open book but there are some I don’t share. Now aren’t I always saying that Braxton’s death is the hardest thing to know. The final bill still sits, I tell everybody. When’s the last time I haven’t mentioned him. “Know Your Sins Before Others”

Monday, March 29, 2021

Gospel 271 ~Know Your Sins Before Others~

Hundred And Eighty-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and Braxton never knew. Oh, come on now, he had more faith.

Now before I wax on all “poetic” about B’s eyes… Aww, screw it. B III looked at me as though I alone had the power to save him. He believed, with all his might, that I would take him home that day. I am his Dad, and I couldn’t be anything else. What I became? I’m sure Amazon is wondering the same thing. Yeah, I’m still burning money like it’s going out of style. As a matter of fact, I’m gazing at some “style” right now if Amazon Prime is true to their word. Let’s just say it’s concerning “Lollipop Chainsaw” fashion sense, Madam Justice. Speaking of cash and my absurdities with it, my GREED. To think I “give-up” one sin for that of GREED.

I’m sure two redheads are laughing their way to the bank. One of them was something over a year ago. Petting Braxton, him sitting here while I read, kept me from more sinful pursuits. I wanted to be a good example but ask Indiana Gone something about that ha. I’m still reading. “Anything good?” you ask? Depends on your definition of good. Of all the things I would tell B III about, recounting my latest… Yeah, with my “retail therapy.” Is that what it’s called? Well, at least I did cancel that Patreon, and it’s not like this is new. Several subscriptions still await. Isn’t it funny that the WWE isn’t one that had me the slightest bit conflicted? “Born in LUST turn to dust.”

No, I’m not reading Stephen King. It’s not like what I am reading is putting me to sleep either. I’m tired, Madam Justice. Last week… if I survived since I am talking to you March 26. Now I’ve mentioned how much I despise the Day Job; being so rageful also depressed. Although Braxton is the cause of one of those. Not that I’m blaming him. Because around this time, January 29, I was witnessing my ultimate failure as his father. Yep, I called the Veterinarian. Last night, I was so out of it with exhaustion, but my Mom called; wakefulness. It’s the one thing that gets me moving, and out of my SLOTH, another’s pain.

Braxton’s death… I knew before the doctor’s words, “He’s Gone.” Know Your Sins Before Others

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 270 ~I Growl B Cause~

I remember those old commercials of “so easy a caveman can do it.” The first word ever spoken was probably not caveman to caveman. I can imagine it was one telling his wolf to get off the rock. I growl at people; I talked to Braxton. I Growl B Cause.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Gospel 270 ~I Growl B Cause~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means Braxton would be as well. I’m not mad, though, at least not like you now.

It’s one of the reasons we’re talking today and not Sunday. With everything happening right, you might break your keyboard. As I believe I broke the car stereo. Yes, another distraction from the empty passenger seat. In truth, it’s not like B was there that often. Still, I could commiserate with him as we both had enemies outside the car. Braxton’s would be the vet. Again and I can’t stress this enough, I’m not mad at the vets. At least I was paying for Braxton to always get better, and then… Anyway, paying those Serra fucks. Pardon my language or yours, I’m getting angry on a Tuesday, and I don’t want to imagine your rage. The worse days of the week are Wednesdays and Sundays.

Any day I brought fries back was a good day for B III. He didn’t growl because he was hungry. No, he would do it because he was greedy and his Daddy is weak. Are you as I am because I went to Mickey D’s. Just like I won’t say “Another Day,” “Life Goes On?” I’m pissed at myself, sure for my crime. The Day Job, though, and I know you’re getting it. You’re still in DENIAL with Braxton. People at the Day Job… why are you still working there. Of course, I know, which makes me hate myself even more with these past days. You know something, maybe you should make “that the prize.” If you were able to accomplish the Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 11” Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 086 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 093) No Fap
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Still, I am no oracle from ancient Greece. I said before I’m not Hercules. And looking in the mirror, I’ll say, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus. But he talks like a gentleman.” Or I wish I had, and you are hmm, with M Anime. B growled at girls, but they loved him so. Didn’t I? And that’s why I’m looking into all this stuff. I want a black pedestal for frames and candles, a trunk for all his things… another furbaby. Yet one more Republican tendency; find something to hate more than yourself. A man trying as always for these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Innocents by Cathy Coote
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 093 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

I would say “You Are Not A Caveman” because you could be better. You could be the man Braxton thought of as Dad. How can I? I Growl B Cause

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will