Chronicle 313 ~B There, B Square~

What was I saying about “adult entertainment” at some point? Porn and sex are not the same things. And wanting to be a Dad doesn’t mean I’m into “breeding.” Yeah, it’s about time I get out of this bed, and what? Celebrate? B There, B Square

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

Chronicle 313 ~B There, B Square~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I can’t imagine being anywhere at the moment. One bed to another and then another.

Not the kind of thing you expect to hear from a husband. But you know I’m anything but typical, considering the businesses I’m running and the life I lead. Yet I choose to be here. Yes, it’s time to get out of bed. The old Day Job and my new career have something in common. Am I ashamed? One made me, as the song goes, “You make me wanna die.” Career-wise, the other is all about bedrooms, and I’m trying not to enjoy it every day. What does that mean for us? We’ll get to that, but yeah, you know why my love. It’s why I pay particular attention to a corner of the bed. Why an empty dog bed remains, a pillow, the loveseat…?

Sometimes I’m surprised you haven’t put me in the doghouse. For all my shortcomings as a husband… um, Will Smith put it like this. “If I’m being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can? I pray I am.” Is it wrong to thank B III for all his lessons? Looking at our children now, my love. And how I read to them before bed. Wanting to sit with them, at the slightest sneeze or tummy ache. Oh, when they were babies… I’ll admit that cleaning up after Braxton was easier. Every parent talks about losing their Saturdays. Baby Girl, that started when I had to check out PetSmart every week looking for… There’s still that empty bed sitting there.

Will that be a moment of celebration or a day of betrayal? Grieving overtaking loving. Neither has a time limit. And both can be done from the comfort of this bed we share. I can stay here and cry all day, and when you’re here with me, well? You do have some things over Braxton. I could weep, read, feed, etc. But when it’s just the two of us, love? Breed? Yeah, that’s crude of me in a way. But my business is in adult entertainment. Inevitable. Only it’s a damn celebration when I can even get through the day anymore. I’m trying, and I want to say it’s time, like with books. Baby, “Just call my name, I’ll be there.” B There, B Square.

464 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 306 ~To B Beautiful Again~

There’s always something new to see regarding “adult entertainment.” I’ve never been one saying I’ve seen everything. But if I had known that the first time I saw my son, well, that’s it? Now it’s hard seeing through tears. To B Beautiful Again.

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

Chronicle 306 ~To B Beautiful Again~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I wonder whether that could give me 20/20 vision again. Like masks, I rather like glasses.

I like compliments too. But as the song goes, “Ooh, it makes me wonder” what you want about my body, brains, and bravery. I picture you like Sia/Superbia looking at “businessman” Jacob. Have I finished the Succubus Lord (audio) series by now? Baby Doll, I was so quick to get my ears checked. You’re asking yourself if there is something wrong with my eyes besides the glasses. Knowing me,… quite the shallow bastard. “Doesn’t matter what you do. You’ll still be beautiful.” Oh, from the 1996 film “Twister,” ha. You’ll always be beautiful. And I hate that I’m saying this, but it’s not you; it’s me.” All the tears I cry. The sweat on my brow.” Hell, when I get weak and instead of us…

Yeah, I don’t blame you for asking, “us?” Do I mean “You And Me” or Braxton and me? As I said before, all this water in my eyes. At least Monday last week, my eyes were shut when they were pounding into my head. I swear I’m listening for you as much as Braxton. Considering we’re having this conversation on Friday, April 29, 2022. The screen, the screen, Baby Girl. Or, again, seeing white walls in a doctor’s office. I am looking so hard. Okay, I need to stop with the jokes, but would you have me crying again? It’s as if I’m trying to peer into Heaven itself and find Triple B. Perhaps find my way into a straitjacket. But there’s so much beauty.

You have to understand that despite everything I thought I had seen and all that I felt in existence. At the time, Braxton blew it all out of the water and then some. Seeing, Loving. And to this day, I imagine I’ll go deal with the fucking Rebeccas. Braxton Reincarnated. I remember the first time I saw you and I turned all “Life Itself” That has to mean a lot. Being in the room when you had our “firstborn.” A fight for another time. Inevitable. The way I’m going to feel when some young “Thundercat” tries dating our little girl. There will be beautiful moments in life, I want to say. After enough tears, Babe, everything will be, once again, love. To B Beautiful Again

“I’m waiting for the right moment cause when I ask you out, there’s not gonna be any turning back for me. I’m not gonna date anybody else for the rest of my life. I’m not gonna love anybody else for the rest of my life. I’m not gonna really care about anything else for the rest of my life.” Will to Abby “Life Itself” (2018)

457 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 299 ~More Than Words B~

Remember those “Can You Hear Me Now” commercials? Triple B heard every single word. But even when I had my arms wrapped around him then. No matter how many books I have on Goodreads. Or chains I buy. The love I felt… More Than Words B.

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Chronicle 299 ~More Than Words B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I won’t be one to turn a deaf ear to those around me, Baby Doll.

Well, considering I wasn’t able to hear out of my right ear for most of last week. Don’t I wish that’s all it was; something that could be fixed for $175.00? I’m a billionaire, so what am I complaining about? Again it was my body that was doing that. Doctors… Except for my eyes, I haven’t looked after my health for around 450 days. 449 considering this was yesterday afternoon. It always comes back to my firstborn. Hell, I haven’t had the stones to go back to Banfield Pet Hospital since B died. A step too many in that store. Only isn’t that sort of the point? I remember talking about the Bible for God so loved the world right. I loved my son enough…

Enough to let him go because nothing else could be done. Only I wasn’t listening to him before. Yet he showed me that he loved me as I scooped him up, love. “More Than Words,” right. Like my “Lost Boy,” I keep coming back to my earache. And like Triple B, all gone. I’ve been saying I need to show B how much I love him. Food, water, meds, bed? Whitesnake sang, “Is This Love?” Forgive me, Baby Girl, the music is returning. To Hear! Yet I always was telling Braxton to shush it. Only he would lie down in my lap. I still feel him pressed against my leg when I get out of the shower. He sat at the foot of the bed.

Now you know I’m a man for affection. Braxton taught me about that. Warmest pancake. When’s the last time I said, “I love you like pancakes.” The last time I remember my mom hugging me. Was it when I was in juvenile detention. Or during my brief stint in the military, hmm? As far as hearing, I am loved? You could say that until the cows come home. Well, fuck the cows until Braxton comes home. I had a dream of him last night? I was in the waiting room in the doctor’s office, and I asked my mom was B there waiting for me? Anyway, More Than Words between you and me, my love. “Hey Stupid, I Love You.” Divorce! More Than Words B.

450 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 292 ~Levels That They’ll B~

How deep is your love or love lift us up where we belong? Any parent would die for their child, and at the same time, I want to be there, bed height, when they come into the world. I watched B III die in his bed on a table. Levels That They’ll B

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Chronicle 292 ~Levels That They’ll B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I have time to get back to Far Cry 5. Violence over sex, tears…

Every day I wake up and find that you still love me. Oh, I’m not calling you crazy or such. These days I don’t love myself very much. Seeing myself with no mask (shudders some). Love, I hate that saying about if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anybody. When it came to Braxton, hell. I hated myself then and now, but I loved my son more than this existence. I hate myself more, considering how I define the word love. Did I love B III in my own words? No wonder I feel like “this.” You know what I want to admit… Dangerous. Only I wouldn’t do that because Braxton might never forgive me. I have you. And “God” gave us our children.

I should have got another book other than Pawverbs for a Dog Lover’s Heart. Challenge? Since I was a kid, I’ve been a sucker for a good book challenge. But a nonfiction title, oh um? Anyway, since I’m getting all preachy, do you know why men choose hatred? Because love is so much more difficult. People say they love everything but do they? Hate is pretty general. And then I look to my boy and the greatest sin I have ever committed in this life. The Ninth Circle of Hell is Treachery, and I betrayed my son. Treachery has four levels, and when it comes to Triple B, Caina, Atenora, Ptolomea, and Judecca. But I never hated him, not ever.

With the family I had then and now. When B died, “my love for you runs deeper. Deeper than blood.” That’s from a song called “Deeper Than Blood” in a movie called “The Sixth Man.” Yeah, you know the levels of my pop culture references. I’d lose myself to them. So much like love. My family of six like I’d always dreamed about. A wife, three two-legged kids, and my fur baby. Of course, there’s me. To name another song, “How Deep Is Your Love.” It shouldn’t be as deep as this hole I’m digging to the grave. Creepy? I said Braxton would be as tall as a king, and he is. What level am I on in loving you? I’ll keep playing with as many Levels That They’ll Be.

443 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 285 ~Equipped To B Loved~

When B and I met, I was still living with my Olds at 20 or 21. If some woman met me, I’m still living under their thumb. Like I could do anything, I don’t even have $5,000. Love is all you need, some say but do I have it. “Am I, Equipped To B Loved?”

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Chronicle 285 ~Equipped To B Loved~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so how can I be disappointed. I play with people and dogs’ lives but Squid Game…

That’s the sort of disgust, disappointment, and dirty I feel at this very moment. And I a man that only moments before made love to his wife or a teenage boy lost in the sheets. So one more day to remember from February 27, 2022, to April 12, 2022. Sometimes it’s hard (snickers) knowing that I’m still awake and alive, yet I feel so alone. Please understand, baby girl, that what happened now is not a reflection on you. Um, it is, but you know what I mean, I enjoyed it, “sigh.” I’m sure you don’t want me kissing and telling. Hell doing what I do for a living, but 15 minutes ago, 7:40 AM. I was with you. Time with you but B III…

In 2005 I was sure to have accepted this belief. I didn’t need love. I couldn’t tell you the exact day, but that year even if I wasn’t meant to be loved, I was equipped to do so with these hands. The boy everyone made stupid had a brain in his head. Heartbeat baby doll. Braxton loved me more than anyone I had ever met at the time. Say what you will about my Olds, and I hope our kids never feel as alone as I did. B III made me want to live. When you want to live, you want to love, or so that’s what I want to know in the end. How do some only live to use and take and kill?

If you’re keeping track of pop culture references so far. Squid Game “I Remember My Name,” “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel, and TWD 8X01 “Mercy.” Hell, there might be more? Anything to not remember failure. Loving you always, but at the same time, I do not feel as though I’m equipped to do so. No, not like that. We did that this morning but why do I feel so bad about it. A fool, a creep, an idiot. I feel STUPID. Braxton was here for 15 years. Did I believe he could put up with me forever? He’s been gone 436 days, but are you ready to love me for even more. Always? It’s what we promised. We come to life with nothing, leave with nothing, but love is everything. Equipped To B Loved

436 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 278 ~That B’d The Line~

I read something once to the tune of making sure your bags are packed if you ask a person to choose between their furry kid and you. A line in the sand, if you will. I deal with a line ending my son 429 days ago on a piece of paper. That B’d The Line

Tuesday, April 5, 2022

Chronicle 278 ~That B’d The Line~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I always figured it would make me happy. There’s your boobs, my boy, a b…

Well, a dangerous word that would be crossing the line. It’s why, once again, I’m time traveling. Constantly reminded of the bullshit of the old Day Job. Pardon my language. But you know, babydoll, I’m not one to lie ever. I’ll admit I’m one to omit specific things when needed. Only I know with “All These Things That I’ve Done,” I did kill my son. Even now, 429 days since, all I can think is that B III needs some company. Why do you think I read a book on reincarnation? The Rainbow Bridge, the Other Side, Hell itself, Braxton is my family. He didn’t have anyone else; I shouldn’t say that. His furry family could greet him? I need a drink or good drugs.

How many lines were I, “Tryin’ ta get over” to get next to you? B III was always on my side of the line, and when I hopped it? Ah yes, here come my tears now. Today, being Sunday and all. Of course, this was his last day. I stole his line. Or, more as we said it together, “can we go home?” No, he wasn’t at the vet now to get better. Protecting him. Anyway, I remember the things I kept from him. The stuff I showed Braxton’s aunt… There are lines, even now, I can’t utter because those would be the ones to end me even if truthful. I’m not some fucking member of the “GQP,” again language. Black lines, skin, over white…

A smooth talker, or as Sade put it, Smooth Operator. I know I’ll cut my phone off. That’s something you have over Braxton. He hated my phone, and I don’t think I cut it off even when he lay dying. No beeps or boops, though, ok one boop as I watched him. B III’s nose. I’m trying to say that I wish I could remember the line that got you. The things I needed to say. I’ve continued to tell this story but the moment I knew I was Braxton’s family was when I said, “get in the car, B.” Without a word (rolls eyes), he hopped, Braxton and Will. So what’s my line? I love you and him, always, forever. That B’d The Line.

429 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 271 ~To B In Love~

If you asked me right this second, who or what I loved? My Ma? Then why aren’t I a better human being? My writing? Then why do I still have my effing Day Job? B III? Where’s my tattoo, my gold chain? Why isn’t he alive? “To B In Love.”

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Chronicle 271 ~To B In Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t love money. It’s more like I love not thinking about money. “Brewster’s Millions?”

But to this day, this remains my position on love. Love is the want, need, desire, the ability to put one above self. But, when I remember all my younger years, chasing several “shes who shall not be named.” I accept my foolishness, my “Idiocracy,” hell, stupidity. Hate that word. If it ain’t music, YouTube Reactions, or movies, it’s audiobooks. I’ve heard plenty, my love. Oh, and about “that word,” “stupid.” Don’t go there. Hey Stupid, I Love You… Divorce. Another big no, no would be getting rid of my four-legged child. 422 days dammit. Dearest, you’ll have to forgive me. The fact that I’m speaking through time travel lets you know, today is one of those that reminds me of my old Day Job.

Ok, so let me start over. Like an old fucking Republican that has an answer but asks again. What Is Love? I swear, I’m trying to chill on the pop culture, but “Todd,” Succubus Lord? I want to say that love is routine. I can’t tell you how I feel calm, peaceful, and glad when I know everything has its place. When I know where I belong. When B passed, day fucking one, I said everything remains the same. Everyday Is Exactly The Same. I’m trying. Anyway, I fill his water bowl, call him for meds, say hello and goodbye, because how can I not? A Man Provides… yes from Breaking Bad. But Stephen King wrote that Hell is repetition. Love grows, you, our children.

This leads me to believe that love is obsession or at least some form of madness. It’s an addiction, a habit, but that sounds like routine… And don’t people dive into them at their darkest hour. Well, until they hit rock bottom. Then they die or recover. Losing my son… Yes, that’s rock bottom, but then I look at you. Oh, I know it can get worse. I’d take it as another punishment in my failure to protect Braxton, but I can’t lose you, Babydoll. Continually I say I’m in love, which has never changed, but why doesn’t it feel that way right this second? When you love by my definition and that one above is gone… well, people choose eternity, To B In Love.

422 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 264 ~Being Blind To Love~

The perfect woman? Not much has changed since Princess Leia. Take a look at most of the Star Wars heroines. Padme, Rey, Jyn. Had a big crush on Katniss. Hell Braxton had plenty of brown/tan hair. Here I go crying. Being Blind To Love

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Chronicle 264 ~Being Blind To Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but no, I’m not into organ harvesting. Um, at least not the usual type. Kinda dark…

Would you instead have me crying about B III? It’s been 415 days now (Sunday, March 13, 2022), but I know that’s one thing that hasn’t changed. How long will I cry for B III? Indeed how long will I deny myself the pleasure of your company or without? Yes, at the moment, I want to keep my monk status. And it’s one more reason I find myself in bed. Look at the time, 3:00 in the afternoon. I would hate to meet the man in the mirror right this second. Hell, I have hated him for again 415 days by now. Then I wonder what you see in me. I mean, you haven’t walked out yet. I don’t have qualms about my body, ha.

You know my whole business is based on being a shallow prick. Am I not, considering I’m open to lots of women. In the “company sense,” Baby Doll; always, forever. I’ve got the perfect woman at home. And yet I am where I am now in life? And the others? These men aren’t looking for love. Well, at least I hope not though I can understand the idea of “I’m In Love With A Stripper.” But of course, that’s only one aspect of “my place.” As I said, I’m one for all the organs. Some I like looking at. And where others stick them well… And I’m not in love with the almighty dollar either, but I always want more. Greedy? One woman, one family?

One dog, which is my Braxton. B III. I ask myself, when did I know I was in love before. On the one hand, it was love at first sight. He was a puppy; what monster doesn’t love puppies? But he wasn’t my puppy. The moment he had my heart was when my Olds moved, and I said get in the car B. If it worked for Chris Rock right,” Bitch, get in the car.” As for when I knew I loved you? If I told you everything, I looked for physically in a woman… Braxton’s Aunt could sum it up. But when I knew you had my heart, well? Some say love is blind. I’m shallow. But loving another furry? Being Blind To Love.

415 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 257 ~A Write To B~

All the signs that Braxton has been sending… I hope he has been sending and still is, and what have I responded with. Considering when I’m writing this because I won’t have the strength after. I’ll hate myself the rest of the day. “A Write To B”

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Chronicle 257 ~A Write To B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means writing a check shouldn’t be any big deal. It’s more anxiety-driven than financial. (Shudders).

Imagine the time spent thinking money. Republican Tendencies, America, Everyone. Hell, what about the time I’ve wondered about the ghost dog Saturday, March 5, 2022. Aren’t I time traveling now? That’s what happens when you don’t learn from history, baby girl. I’m doomed to repeat it. Even though now I love what I do for a living. A living, huh? Aren’t I having the time of my life in my business? Braxton’s death… 408 days. Such a love puts me to shame. I wonder if it would put me out of business. Who would have thought being in a room full of women would tick me off; Karens/Rebeccas? Less than the old Day Job. You don’t want to hear me go into that. Time Travel.

I know you wish I would. Become the man I once was. But again, I say of love once known. As a husband, I deal in LOVE… ok, and a bit of LUST. In business, it’s all LUST, you know. Only B was the first to give love meaning. Is that an insult, to my Olds, to you our kids? 15 years 13 days, and I’m still trying to define it. I don’t mean any offense to the “people” in my life, but I think of all I have said. More like all I have written down in life. To my “father,” there were notes for money. Oh, begging for something like Braxton. The first time he buys a “family dog.” He’s for my sister, ha.

If that wasn’t a sign? Oh, for weeks, I’ve been going on and on about signs. Am I still hmm? You’ll never see me leaving with a pink slip, writing two weeks’ notice; my businesses. Baby doll, it’s only days like today; I go back to thinking I should walk out on the old Day Job. Remind me someday to write about how I escaped that shithole. Pardon my language, but the Day Job is a shithole. I’d call it the ninth circle of Hell, an accessory to the murder of my son. Anyway, why would I write a book for such a place? Never… Instead, I would write of Braxton. I would speak of love. But to you and everyone. A Write To B.

408 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 250 ~Bruh, By, Bye Love~

No, I’m not “religious.” I love No Strings Attached Sex, FWB, and saying hi to my monster as much as anybody. Not as much as being Braxton’s Dad but a close second. Sex does have a purpose, though, other than fun and beauty. Life… Bruh, By, Bye Love.

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Chronicle 250 ~Bruh, By, Bye Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but by the sweat of my brow? All the beauty in creation but being a creator?

I am struggling over whether to confess. That I’m not much of a creator? True enough, but there is more. Braxton, he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, baby girl; you can easily see your effect on me. I’m just a man, only human. The knowledge that I’m a father when I look at our children… I still cry every day for Braxton. 401 days and still counting. But looking at the family we have made together brings more tears of joy and gladness. I can’t swim, but I haven’t drowned as of yet. Babydoll, it always comes back to why all this beauty ends up in my hands. Hell, why aren’t I jealous when not by these hands hmm?

There’s much to be rage about, Spotify, the destruction of this world, hatred of self. Inevitable but let me fall back into the music, “With Arms Wide Open.” It would be those lines, “If I had just one wish, only one demand. I hope he’s not like me. I hope he understands.” But I look to the signs but not the ones I’ve been reading about. But why do I have a hard time finishing writing books or making anything? “Why do the things I hate come so naturally?” That’s “Dance On Our Graves” Paper Route. To bring beauty to the world… I’ve said that Braxton was the best man I know. If he was so perfect, what’s that say about me, his Daddy? Am I good? “Bye Bye, Love…”

Damn! You know something; I should talk to robots more often because I got it. I talk plenty about hatred and pain. In another life, I studied torture. I always looked at it as a means of intelligence gathering. But there is something else, babydoll. Torture is fun. Same with sex, making love, fucking, pardon my language. Yes, fucking is all kinds of fun. Again, next to being Braxton’s Daddy, it’s the best thing ever. But as I keep saying, fatherhood is the epitome of manhood. Making love also means the chance to create life. Braxton was not a life I made, but he is my own. I thank everything for you. The children… a joint effort. To fear losing life… Bruh, By, Bye Love


401 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will