Tag: Desire

Gospel 068 ~Willing Existence Day To Be~

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Well, I’m back to time-traveling because I will be too busy surviving the day to bother with writing. Today is like someone announcing the annual Purge and that means I have to hide. Only if I were to have the Perfect Day… Willing Existence Day To Be

Monday, September 7, 2020

Gospel 068 ~Willing Existence Day To Be~

To Existence Day #36

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, yes I am. Madam Justice, today is not about a rule. It’s Existence Day. Now yesterday, I talked about reality, but today I want to speak on Existence Day um, why not now. So if you dare…

My Dæmon is an old man, much like me. He has a little beard, maybe a few gray hairs, but he runs around with my two-legged kids. If I have a son and daughter, of course, Luke and Leia. Three daughters, Katniss, Tris, and Ember. Anyway, how’s breakfast in bed? My loving wife has long gotten me over hating today. She was up early for a “variety” of reasons, and after a kiss, good morning, she’s taking pictures. After breakfast, there’s a shower, but of course, I’m not alone, and why would I want to be. No more hiding today. As I walk through the house, several of the staff are wishing me well. I don’t grumble at them. I don’t have my earphones blaring away. Even now, hearing my voice sounds a little weird.

Now I’m not working today, but somebody has to keep things running. Before my beautiful wife, I would probably have a celebration at one of my many brothels. I have established several, so there’s plenty of stops to make. Everyone’s excited, and the gifts wow. That wonderful wife of mine has a surprise at the studio. Most of the staff will be taking a lunch break as we make a movie. I swear the woman is insatiable, and I’m getting used to my birthday suit.

We take the kids to the beach. While I’m still not much of a fan of the water, my wife is a talented swimmer. My Dæmon is barking his head off, but he’s trying to pull the kids away from the water. He’s getting too old for this stuff, but what about me? My age? Heading back to the house, well geez, everyone has arrived. Cosplayers, writers, some of the tamer girls I know. Indiana Gone, M. Anime, a couple of the MILFS. I don’t dwell on those missing, and my mom is a bit freaked out, but she did raise a gentleman, I think. “Surprise,” my wife announces in her dress, and she brought a friend. Happy Existence Day.

To me, that would be perfect, happy to be alive. Willing Existence Day To Be

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 061 ~What If Once Isn’t Enough~

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Someone said, “I’ll try anything once” now, I can’t say I exactly live by that myself, but if I strike out three times, I’ll walk away. Yes, says that man that is going on ten attempts and around 36 days come… um, nevermind. What If Once Isn’t Enough

Monday, August 31, 2020

Gospel 061 ~What If Once Isn’t Enough~

Hundred And Fifty-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I would never spend a dime on baseball. Nor would I pay anything for basketball, football, soccer, and the list goes on. Sure, I like nachos and a well-cooked hotdog, peanuts, and Icees, but I hate sports. Not all sorts, mind you. There are no Olympics this year, and I paused wrestling for our chat. Now I love movies. I went to see Black Panther at least four times. Yes, still thinking about Chadwick Boseman. Back to something HAPPY … Yabbos.

Wait, we’re not supposed to be speaking about those. Didn’t I say something about learning my lesson? Of course, you know I’ll talk about Yabbos forever, but HUT ONE, HUT TWO, HUT THREE, HUT! Yes, I know the difference between baseball and football, but I prefer music. Shame on a Nigga by the Wu-Tang Clan to be specific. Anyway, my point is I fucked up (pardon my language), and I’m not going for four. Only I want to Madam Justice. I continue to lose friends left and right like something off that movie Unfriended. I give myself too much credit that I could be a good man, but here I am, an open book. The battle cry of say his or her name and I don’t speak ill of the dead. If I talk to the living, I would be a horrible person once again.

Here I am talking about screwing up for the fourth time, but my madness and rage are constant. Fire is the only thing getting me through the Day Job because my fear threatens to overflow. How is it that I walk into Hell again and again, and I swear I know it? It’s like choosing to FAP with the knowledge of what I will feel afterward. Yeah, even now, before speaking to you, I was looking for Ariella Ferrera. A reminder of you know who as Momokun is of Cherry. As far as Milf Tres goes, now she was the easiest to forget, I admit.

“The Day” is almost here, and how many times has it been 36? Hell, how have I ever made it this long? Of course, each year, The Day shows that I must like something about this place but what hmm?

Yabbos seeing them again, but what is the meaning of life? Seek out a kingdom, make god bleed, love Madam? What If Once Isn’t Enough?

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 054 ~Be Something They Can’t Solve~

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Is it still morning? I’ve had a few revelations since the beginning and the ending of this conversation, so I won’t complain. Why won’t I, though; I’m pretty complicated or so everyone thinks. “Be Something They Can’t Solve.”

Monday, August 24, 2020

Gospel 054 ~Be Something They Can’t Solve~

Hundred And Fifty-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and THEY all ask how? Here’s a question for you; since when did I become THEY? In all honesty, I’m wondering how I’m even awake or fighting all my “primal” urges from one moment to the next.

Nobody Knows, THEY Don’t Know, please stop me, Madam Justice, before I turn into another Spotify channel. Okay, one more, “be a simple kind of man.” I wish I was. When did I become so Complicated? I’m Hot N Cold.

It’s having to lie. I’ve told you before that I can’t stand to liars or to lie. It’s like smoking, I suppose, you feel good, but at the end of the day, you’re killing yourself. Hell, we’re all dying, but there’s no rush, or I don’t want it to be… well not today anyway. It’s why we create the mystery, but I’m not at all.

I say I want to be something they can’t solve, but every day I’m right here. I’m like one of those Playboy sheets of turn-ons and turn-offs. The answer is right before their faces, but they don’t want to accept the truth of me. Does the same go for me? When I was still talking to MILF Tres, she told me things and then me and my big mouth. Maybe I didn’t hear it correctly with MILF Uno, and again I answered wrong. As with MILF Dos, I talked too damn much, I should have waited to see her Yabbos again and just shut up.

See that right there. I love Yabbos, I like books. Usually erotica or YA with a pretty heroine. You know I’m not one for swearing every single breath. Except for the beautiful Irish Youtuber Katie O’Shaughnessy. I have no qualms about violence, but I hate the NRA, and I even own a gun. So why is everyone trying to figure me out? Of course, there is my friend who says I give myself far too much credit. Yes, my PRIDE.

I’m a fan of all seven sins, though my favorite will always be LUST thank you, Ker Dukey. I’ve read four of her books actually, and I’m only finding that out now. Besides my discoveries, there are the things I have to hide always because if people did know everything…

I’m a black man in America, cages are used as easy answers for my “kind.” Be Something They Can’t Solve

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 047 ~Temptation Exist In All Creations~

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I wouldn’t do much for a Klondike bar, but I think the same company makes that strawberry cheesecake bar too, and I have raised holy hell for those. The only thing tempting me now is my bed. “Temptation Exist In All Creations” no doubt

Monday, August 17, 2020

Gospel 047 ~Temptation Exist In All Creations~

Hundred And Fiftieth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m lucky I got the money. What would I spend it all on? Do you really need to ask? Three words AHEM, Breasts, Yabbos, Titties, pardon my language, Madam Justice. Hell, My Dæmon is my son, and he’s exactly like his old man. You could ask Indiana Gone about that. Now, of course, he wants a lot of different things and is willing to commit any variety of sins. He loves to eat pretty much anything.

Every morning he’ll fight me for his walk. The boy will lie for a treat. So what tempts me other than a world of Yabbos?

Sad to say, but everything in this “wonderful” world leads right back to that goal. The sooner we finish this talk, the sooner I can look at Yabbos. Yeah, right, like Instagram wasn’t already showing me hot cheerleaders to look up. Guilty as charged. Now all of my creations only want to live, but that means I need to be horny. Sorry to say but this afternoon I’m only annoyed. You do know what would help with that, only I have to stay awake. That’s my point, though. Everything wants to live. What is the ultimate expression of that I ask? You give life to others, and of course, there are many different ways one can go about that endeavor.

For the most part, humanity only values life as it relates to death. The closer we get to the end, the more we cling to life. I could argue against that, though, given the current state of the world, I suppose. I don’t want to get political though. 170,000 dead, and the life I cherish the most isn’t human. Again I bring up my firstborn. I say he wants everything, but at any particular moment, he wants me. No girl could ever take his place. Still, I wish some girl found me tempting, I don’t think about love most days. Ask me what tempted me in these past twenty-four hours. Pigtails, food, my bed? Maybe it’s not the temptation itself but the motive behind it. I remember something from the Isaku series that I dare not repeat, but I understand.

Hell, the things we will do for such desires and how we fight to resist, rebel, and renounce sin. They can also be blessings, but I know what I want. Temptation Exists In All Creations.

“The world, chico, and everything in it.” – Tony Montana

“This is a rebellion; I rebel.” – Jyn Erso “Rogue One”

I Will Have No Fear

Log 308 ~Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation~

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Happy Birthday Indiana Gone and Happy Star Wars Day, May The Force Be With You. Only rules are rules. Today I’m talking about #135. I’m always preparing to write, to finish a game, to deal with people. “Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation”

Monday, May 4, 2020

Log 308 ~Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation~

Hundred And Thirty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and besides that, I’m always one for alliteration. Now let me start today by saying Happy Birthday to one of my dearest friends Indiana Gone. She won’t like me saying this but ahem guess what day it is; STAR WARS DAY. Funny and sad that this is a “holiday,” I can remember with no hesitation. Much like my hundred and thirty-fifth rule. Whether I want to or not on these “three commandments” as the Christians say. Hang all the law and the prophets. As the song goes, “I’m only human after all.”

During the Plague Era of Coronavirus (COVID-19), I leave here only for “good” food, GPS, and guns. For now, I’ll start with food. Whenever I walk into a store, my first question is always, does My Dæmon have enough to eat. He eats before I do, no matter what. Again with the apocalypse, people have often talked about returning to “normal.” I’ve decided that I can’t live my life THIS WAY. Only here I am Madam Justice living week to week. Still scraping by with the weekly McDonald’s and Piggie Potato as rewards. Now I’m by no means starving, but my cooking range continues to be limited. Hell, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m hungry for my words, writing and then I have my kid. I should also keep reading The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks as research.

If I’m not doing that, though, what have I been up to? According to my scorecard, it’s been 32 hours since the last time I “broke.” I don’t remember the last time, but before that, it was Rebecca “Backyard” from Marvel Charm. Madam Justice, I know I need to resist these horny “spurts” of mine. One more reason I’m not getting enough sleep these days because what was I busy doing? Half the time, I was downloading a new game with some delectable beauties called “Call Me A Legend.” The other I was adding to my “Motherload” of videos and pictures. If anything, though, I did tell a pornstar no today shocked. Yeah, I want to buy Marvel Charm videos of Rebecca and Alissa, right?

Before I go Justice, can I humiliate myself further other than drooling? I try Madam Justice to get ready for it, but to most, I’m a joke. Ready, Set, Go Preparation H, Hungry, Horny, Humiliation.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

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Whose side did I take, Captain America vs. Iron Man? And no, I’m not one for T’Challa as I liked Killmonger sitting on the throne of the Wakandan Empire. There’s always the thought of Deadshot and Harley (Homer drool). “Live The Villain, Heroes Die.”

Monday, April 27, 2020

Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

Hundred And Thirty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I didn’t do that being nice. Don’t get me wrong, Madam Justice, compared to most “I’m all right,” a point if you get the Firefly reference. While I’m on the subject of Firefly and Serenity, do you want to know the definition of a hero? Someone who gets others killed. One more reason I like villains because I don’t abide liars. Okay, so I’ll lie to save my behind, but I prefer not to put myself in such situations. I hate being the victim, playing the hero, but to live the villain, hell, I’m a writer.

Three reasons why I don’t write heroes. Number one again, I don’t like lying. I write fiction, but I don’t lie. It’s like the difference between the songs “I Wanna Love You” and “I Wanna F*ck You.” One four-letter word, but how many times must I say words matter. The second reason is I had an epiphany. I wrote nicely about women for a very long time, and where did that get me? I watched other guys drop some girls’ panties. Yet my words were considered stalkerish. Some were ignored altogether. What has netted me the most attention? Finally, I thought it was tough living up to the heroes. To have such stories told forever, to know constant stress. I’m not a hero Madam Justice because I’m stronger. I picked the path that puts me against the world. When I have (human) kids of my own, I don’t want them following me. I want them to greet the world, With Arms Wide Open, thanks Creed.

I should also thank Todd Michaels because all of a sudden, I want to read “Begging For It” again. Besides wanting my children to have a better example like Rabbit for a father. What about Dolly for a Mother? If you’ve read Sick Fux, you have my attention. Anyway, I have to live long enough to have a woman of my own, which means just that, living. As I said, heroes get stories and songs. Only the good die young, no good deed and the like. Last night I dreamt about Ozymandias, and of course, I don’t know his whole story. If anything, though, I wrote once “Lesson 050 A Comedian Died Today.” I’m not a comedian, a victim, or someone who saves, I’m Me.

Live The Villain, Heroes Die

I Will Have No Fear

Log 294 ~One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust~

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What am I trying to express other than an obsession with adult entertainment? I should be finished writing my book sometime this week, then editing… and I’ll file it away with all my “other” titles. One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust.

Monday, April 20, 2020

Log 294 ~One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust~

Hundred And Thirty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that’s great. If anything, like the song, goes, “Hire eight bodyguards that love to beat up assholes.” Except those “people” would be a lot of pretty girls. No, I’m not one of those “incel” losers, and I hate how I always end up sounding like Trump having to explain what I mean. SIGH first and foremost, women are the most beautiful creatures on the planet Earth. Okay, next to My Dæmon, of course. Everything I want and do in my life comes back to that, women.

So last night, I was talking about The Eve of a Cherry,” my novel. If you knew how many days I’ve spent first on the novella and then expanding it. I keep saying I can’t let anyone read it. It won’t make money, so why bother. It feeds my rank soul. What good is it, though. I don’t have the writing chops of S. Wolf, Todd Michaels, definitely not Skye Warren or Tillie Cole. Right now, I’m thinking more of Lily White, who wrote The Five and The Director. We’re talking snuff films “ravishment” fantasies, sex for drugs, and everything in-between. That stuff gets to me Madam Justice, it makes me feel alive. I can’t watch comedy for the sake of STUPIDITY. No toilet humor. Anything with mistaken identity or twins… well, that isn’t adult entertainment, but the funny stuff turns me off, without fail.

“THEY” talk about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, but I refuse to be blind. For a few weeks now, I’ve been arguing with myself over the idea of “Doublethink,” you know, from 1984. My kid is the perfect example of that, he can be a demonic little asshat, but I love him like pancakes, always and forever. I would fight anyone, though, that says anything wrong about him. Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Still, it’s the concept that everything I find amazing is looked at as putrid, perverted, or petrifying. One more reason I put women in everything. Only here I am nearing the end of my story, and as Jigsaw would put it, there will be blood. The Coronavirus (COVID-19) is running rampant, and I’m upset that there are no zombies. People are willing to die for some “beautiful” world I can’t see. Our American Dreams, my such art, One’s Art Is Another’s Disgust.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 287 ~Your Words Must Pick Sides~

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Don’t say it, and I wish it was something like “Cowabunga.” My Olds spent much of my life telling me not to talk, and when I grew up making me speak, but I didn’t want to sound like them. I want my words to choose me. Your Words Must Pick Sides.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Log 287 ~Your Words Must Pick Sides~

Hundred And Thirty-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now because my words chose me here and now. At least I wish because they didn’t last night; two hundred words for, The Eve of a Cherry. What was I talking about last night? Yes, my tongue remained silent as I was ripped apart by the world. It reminds me of something I’ve heard from the Bible. The sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children or something like that. I’m still not a Christian man, but I am the son of one. My “Father’s” words became the world’s words, and then my own Madam Justice.

“The mistakes of our fathers make us fight our brothers.”

Again, left off from yesterday, I pick the worst words hoping once written down, they’ll take mine. The things I say to hurt myself. I remember the book Sick Fux by Tillie Cole. Evil words Rabbit and Dolly used to pleasure themselves in bed together. They were the words of those who ravished them. Madam Justice, I again practice gratitude that I never knew such horrors. Still, when one knows a monster’s pain, how dare anyone ask me to rise above. Right there, why do I immediately fall from Man to Monster? I had one of those and a good Mother, and so I became ME. I’m always trying to define myself. These words, Madam Justice, they have power, I know. So what am I doing with such force when I’m not destroying myself daily?

I wish I spoke with more kindness and love when it comes to My Dæmon. Every morning I begin with one word, “NO.” At this rate, I should consider SLEEP a holy writ for myself. Of course, neither of those words help me in the slightest. Who else do I speak to nowadays? Marianne Engel from The Gargoyle had the stone, and I have the screen, but I understand her shackles. The great labors to form her grotesques. Here I haven’t even begun my work, too busy talking to you. That’s not a dig, it was only a decision when I needed to get out of bed. If anything, I want to believe in my words. To have that freedom, but they are sitting in limbo as the song goes. Haven’t I shown on more than one occasion my willingness to destroy them, quickly enough?

Misguided, misanthropic, and missing to become decided, disgusted, and discarded. Your Words Must Pick Sides.

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth” – African proverb.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

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What time is it? I swore I lost my watch yesterday, so I spent $15.00 buying a new one, and what was hiding under my seat? What I even left the house for? Woke up this mornin’, got yourself a gun. “Time Is A Cruel Bastard” and what it’s making me… hm

Monday, April 6, 2020

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

Hundred And Thirty-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I don’t have to go out. Well, at least until; my would you look at the time. As always, Madam Justice, like Professor Hulk, “Time Travel!” “Time, time, time, see what’s become of me,” as the song goes. In all these years, even minute to minute, I’m changing, rearranging, and estranging the man I am. From the one I want to be or have to, I’m not sure. So if you wouldn’t call me a bastard, then what am I.

A gun owner for starters. Now I started to say something, but I signed paperwork yesterday. You know how Cherry has me afraid someone is reading this currently. Anyway yeah, I stood in line for hours to as the song goes, “Woke up this mornin’ Got yourself a gun.” I’m a pervert, but that’s always been the truth. Whitney Wright was talking about “FREE PORN’ on Brazzers, so of course, I’m in. Minutes after, I looked up one of her films first, “Wh*re Tornado.” Before you get mad, you should consider what I usually look up as time goes by. It gets darker, more depraved, or even disgusting. I feel sick, but not because of that. No, it’s not the Coronavirus (COVID-19) either. It’s the feeling I got when I first picked up my gun. I want my zombies Madam Justice. Only this is the first time I’ve held a tool that has but one encompassing purpose in this world.

I’m a father, but what have I done for My Dæmon lately? He has his food, his meds, comfy spots, but in all this time, I’m still not the Dad I should be for him. Case and point I should have talked to you earlier and be playing with him now. One more morning of cutting off my alarm. How about the fact that I’m still alone? The two women I talked to yesterday and I’m upset about the one that stopped me at the door to the store. Madam Justice, that interaction will haunt me for the next week. I’m a writer, and then I’m not because; how many words did I write yesterday. I didn’t even reach the quota because of all the lines I was standing in because instead of life, what?

Munitions, masks, my monster in my pants, how I know, Time Is A Cruel Bastard.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 273 ~Faith, In You, In Something~

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Well, a different rule but repeated actions. I had faith that I would write something, look at the book, go shopping, and back to it being 3:00 PM trying not to look at women, playing TWD until 5:30 PM. I believe I’m lazy. Faith, In You, In Something

Monday, March 30, 2020

Log 273 ~Faith, In You, In Something~

Hundred And Thirtieth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how many times do I have to say it before I believe it? When I was so young, I grew up in the AME church. I remember saying something to the tune of, on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. Those were about loving God and loving your neighbor. Now I can’t say I do much of either anymore, but what two things do I repeat every day. I AM a Millionaire, Billionaire, Trillionaire, and I Will Have No Fear. The Law of Attraction. Allow me to try my best “Trinity” impression.

I believe “that girl” from last night wasn’t playing me for a fool. (Friday Night) I met this girl on Whisper. She was sweet, a mom, pretty, etc. So you’re asking me why no cute nickname? Well, haven’t heard from her at all today, and of course, that could mean anything. Do you see how quickly the negative thoughts come through? I could get played; I wasted the day, I’ll never get to sleep on time SIGH. I believe that we’ll have this conversation, but that doesn’t take much faith at all. Here we are, another day, okay, I promise I’ll stop it with the negativity. I believe AHEM I believe that I’ll go out tomorrow and gather much-needed supplies. We’re not starving, of course, but you know what it means when I set my clock for a twenty-minute nap? Not a “dang” thing ever.

You don’t know quite how badly I want to belt out the Blessid Union of Souls’ version of “I Believe.” Ironically, I believe by Monday night; when I finally post this, I’ll have a new gun. Life in the plague era and I’ve never once thought about getting sick; oh yeah, that Regal Popcorn. Anyway, I believe that I can keep “it” in my pants, and no, I’m not talking about a gun. I’m still working on my novella “The Eve of a Cherry,” and the two female leads well. It’s not like I’ve ever needed an excuse right, but at least I fixed two hundred errors today. Last but not least, ha-ha, I want to say that I believe in myself. I was talking to Cherry the other day and repeated all my dreams.

Why shouldn’t I, I ask, a man with “something” to do? All I need is Faith, In You, In Something.

I Will Have No Fear