Chronicle 103 ~Hip To B Square~

Braxton was a little me sometimes. He was quiet on Sundays because he knew I watched TWD. He was annoyed at the Olympics, but wrestling, B would zoom around as I wasn’t paying attention. He thought he was a pimp on walks. “Hip To B Square.”

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Chronicle 103 ~Hip To B Square~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money can make anyone beautiful. Or so I’ve been told. What about cool, My Love?

Well, I’m still crying over my Lost Boy. It’s now been 254 Days. Planning my cryfest, our conversations, and how much cash I got, we got. I hope we’re not on a “sex” schedule, ha. That’s one area of my life that I’d like to keep Spontaneous. Then there’s something… My Braxton, again? Acceptance isn’t something I’m going to find in any novel waiting. It’s Sunday (Time Travel). Yeah, I cried this morning and this afternoon around 3:30 – 4:00 PM. Nope, I’m not opening his resting place again until I have something better. My skin? Tattoos are cool, right, except I believe that some people go overboard. If it’s in tears or ink, can’t I have both. It would mean venturing from bed or Den.

How about going down to PetSmart? Saturday, the doggies weren’t there, but I did get another email about one. Lucky for him and me, by the time I looked the puppy up, there were takers. Not like I need another beautiful thing to have put into a box. Creepy cool? Why do I care about being cool all of a sudden? Didn’t need that to get you, my Sweet Love. There’s always Love but with that comes, my Grief too. Now Squid Game becomes routine. It’s a lot of tears from Episode 6, but not from me. Hell, I cried so long for my “Gganbu?” Again I’m trying to be like everyone else, the Cool Kids. I’m your husband, also a father, a provider. Braxton’s…

The Hell if I know. But I feel you, Baby Doll, on my side, my hip. B, Carolina Bound, etc. You’ve listened to me prattle about my newest “obsession?” It’s not that, but it’s good. We haven’t been out in how long? Every dinner has been bagged or boxed somewhere. Baby Girl, I’ve lost myself in books. Emulating Bill Gates style. I only mean reading. You’ve been worried I could end up in some fancy box with how I’m moving. Acceptance of what has happened is not cool at all. Neither is dying. I wish I could call myself a nerd or a geek. I’m not smart enough and with what I’ve been into. I’m always into you (wink). But Love… Hip To B Square

254 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 096 ~Something New, Something B~

I want to say that dogs are much easier than women. With B, until his dying day, it was “Get in the car, Braxton.” How much of that is offensive, if any? Anyway, he was mine the moment my Olds moved. “Something New, Something B,” Not looking for love

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Chronicle 096 ~Something New, Something B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but this isn’t Futurama. Of the Pop Culture I’m into, this isn’t one. But “Seymour Asses?”

No, I’m not talking about work. As much as I would like to show you all that I do… Hell, I know you like it. I’m more of a Dennis Hof and his dog Domino sort of guy, Baby Girl. Only, Love my heart hasn’t been anywhere near my business in quite some time 247 Day. Braxton’s death, I know. How many dogs do I know that have met their end some way? Braxton wasn’t any dog. He’s My Son. Fifteen years. Longer than the despised Day Job. My love, longer than I’ve known you, which isn’t the smartest thing to say, honest. Dearest, are you going to go out and get a new husband? Okay, so I’m sounding like an ass at the moment, but what else is new?

Nothing else. Every Saturday, I walk into PetSmart and realize I’m a selfish bastard. One who walked out without his son on January 31st. Hate, Stupidity, Fear, even more. Even when getting pet emails too. There’s no room for more paperwork or new dog treats. Braxton’s are running out. Some new collar, leash, bedding. Hell B III’s room remains B III’s room. Braxton’s home exists. I don’t want to go back to mowing the lawn, so there’s a play area. Um, I do it for our kids, but they aren’t running the length of the fence barking at any neighbors. Uh, how do I know? Me leaving my Study would be something new. I left my Olds a new man, a father. I walked from the altar with you. Somethings.

Someone, my Little B, isn’t replaceable. You Baby Doll, our family, I’m hoping myself In Your Eyes. I can’t imagine another woman walking towards me to be my wife ever. Humans are what we are. Yeah, I look for my phone how many times a day and to get a new one. I remember panicking when I thought I had lost my pendant with Braxton’s ashes. The same with taking off a wedding band. What kind of man does that? Somethings mean forever or darling the feelings behind them. Love You and Me always and forever. Happiness and grief; before Braxton died, I would say the heart gets bigger. Without him, it’s like love’s bleeding out. I need more or healing. Something New, Something B

247 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 089 ~When B Isn’t B~

I’m getting the hang of closing myself off in the Den. I can’t stay in bed all day (dammit). I’ve started hanging up Braxton’s hoody in his room. Let me hang out in there for too long, and B will be for breakdown, amongst other things. When B Isn’t B

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Chronicle 089 ~When B Isn’t B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but if I wasn’t? B is for Braxton or books. How about beds. Damn Blue’s Clues.

What about Sesame Street? But it was Blue’s Clues that was in the news a week or so ago, right. What kind of man am I? A few weeks back, I was talking to M Anime, and she spoke about ALPHA men. You know me being one for Tradition. And yet I’ve cried 240 Days. I’m like one of the children crying over books like The Red Collar, Connected Souls. There’s worse, Baby Girl. I’m some Fan Geek “reading” over, Succubus 7 Fairy Tale, yep. Oh, and I did finish The Handmaid’s Tale. Turns out there wasn’t some “authoritarian” word. Remember I told you I figured there was some manly title for Commander Waterford’s office. My Study, being a man. Such things to figure out.

Only as I’ve said, my Study isn’t, only books. I feel Stupid (thanks, Matchbox Twenty). Today or how many days… I’ve been living, The Truman Show. “You can’t stand me.” Yes, that’s me, I don’t know, not projecting, but Thinking Out Loud. And sleeping helps. I’ve had a revelation of why I’m so tired. Well, okay, one reason and haven’t I always been a “man of leisure?” Anyway, I don’t think I ever got up off the floor when I was lying with Braxton. For Braxton’s last days while I was writing, I lifted him to the bed with me. Hell, I barely slept when I was beside him on the floor. Now even though the sheets are clean, he’s there. Space In Between Us

That’s my boy, my B. Even now, I can’t say he was. I’m sure I’ve slipped up here or there. Even at the old Day Job, the phrase “another day.” There will never be “another day” if I can avoid it. Every day should be unique. Not only for breathing purposes. What comes after? A beautiful wife, a big family, my billions, I mean ours. Before all that? Before there was Braxton. Before I can accept what has happened. That will never happen. It took Edmond thirteen years to get off the prison floor. For “The Fallen,” it was a year. Living in my Study with books and bites of movies. I’m a boy missing my boy. Not my wife’s bosom? When B Isn’t B.

240 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 082 ~Not Another Word B~ (2)

Brevity’s the soul of wit I both read and heard. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell, and they look forward to going. Love’s not what you say but what you do. So much in my Study, and there’s TWD. I still love you but Not Another Word B

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Chronicle 082 ~Not Another Word B~ (2)

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should have more free time. I wanted to be an Astronaut. Time Travel

It’s the only reason I’m on my couch now in the “Study.” What’s the difference between a Study and a “Man Cave?” Better yet, what did they call Commander Waterford’s office? Wasn’t there a fancy name for it when I watched the show? I’m not far in the novel yet. Having you to bounce these ideas off of. Braxton wasn’t much help on that front, you know. My Ma said that I would make room for happier memories of him. I’m still waiting for that day, and I continue hating the quiet. I’ll never reach Acceptance. B III being gone. What I am learning is like I hate most people, but they must be endured. I am trying to cope with the silence, My Love.

I close the door to my Study, and I imagine that B did something wrong. When he was in trouble, I would leave him in his room/the library. I couldn’t look at his face. I would forget to be mad. Hell, he would be upset with me if I took a shower alone; he’d huff. Only here you are, Baby Girl. Not to toot my own horn or scare you to death. I’ll never be able to forget the old Day Job that made me feel like an idiot every time I walked right in. Anyway, I’m a man who reads about Time Travel and never for better. Republican vices. I learned about a man who went into space because his cat left him alone.

Love, I’ll tell stories about men who abandoned their families for the cause of freedom. There are worlds where women aren’t allowed a place to speak. The sounds of silence. Now I enjoy my books. I like my TV, Films, and Games. Can’t I have it all, My Love, hmm? The Retiring Room, like “His Dark Materials” series. The Living Room of “The Immortals,” by Tracy Hickman. My Study/Man Cave, um Commander Waterford’s office. Baby Doll, that is going to bug me to no end. Like never hearing Braxton breathe. Yet I lie here on this couch with you. Your breathing, your heartbeat, questions. I’ll play games with the kids, watch movies right here. But I’d tell Braxton on TWD nights, “Not Another Word B.”

233 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 075 ~B We Bad Boys~

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, the first woman Braxton approves of, I’ll have to marry. When my 2nd best friend saw my sister holding him, jealous and awkward. Now he’s gone, and there aren’t many women putting up with me. B We Bad Boys.

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Chronicle 075 ~B We Bad Boys~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but will I be waking up at 3:00 AM forever? Hell earlier, later, or at all?

You don’t like me talking like that? I didn’t like Braxton waking me up barking, “Let’s Wake Up The Neighbors.” What I wouldn’t give to have all those times back. But the two of us having brunch isn’t bad either? By no means is this a silver lining, My Love. What I’m thinking is I had to learn so much when I lost him. Hell, there were so many mornings where I had to go into the Day Job, and you know how I am about that place. No eating, no drinking, and then I nearly puked when I had to do a drive-up order. Wouldn’t I be lying if I said that I don’t wake up in fear most mornings? Don’t you love me?

I’ve told you before I’m not one for the holidays, and that includes “Emergence.” Last week I was arguing about dinner. I’m sure you appreciate I’m around and the children. More money for their birthdays, Christmas, even the first day of school. B III wouldn’t have cared. Give him a thing of fries, and he would say it was the best day ever. My Boy. I’m never going to be able to leave behind, January 31st. Like I’ve said, my Emergence is nothing compared to Braxton’s departure from this world. It’s been 226 days here. Dammit, I’ve never thought about walking out. Be you my sun, my moon, my starlit sky. “I Want You Around.” That’s my pride, your celestial body lying next to mine.

Now, what was that? Time Travel, seeing as how I haven’t thought anything remotely poetic since Braxton’s been gone. He showed me love, and without him, it would be a waste not to love again. Another dog? The children will want one someday, Baby Girl. Though I’ll lie in bed for quite a while and dream. I know I can’t get another one; I can’t. I’ll mourn the son I have lost as I did on this very weekend. I’m not “Alright,” my love, okay? To stay in bed, where else would you have me? The world outside, my gift to you and B III. Brunches, Birthdays, Bedtimes, me and Braxton were old men. Yet we rode together and dying ha, B We Bad Boys.

226 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 068 ~B III The Emergence~

The more things change, the more they stay the same, or not. If there were to be any candles today, I would only wish to have my little boy back. Wanting him to live instead of wishing I had never been born, that’s something? B III The Emergence

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Chronicle 068 ~B III The Emergence~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so what more could I want? The Little Things, My Love

  1. Braxton Barks Bradford back. my son, my best friend
  2. No more setting alarms for the Day Job, memorials
  3. The tears to stop falling. 219 days and counting
  4. A tattoo on my left forearm for my son
  5. A Cuddle Clone, for the foot of the bed
  6. A phone that I’m not constantly worried about, sigh
  7. A new phone battery, in general, that lasts all-day
  8. Some Black Air Pods that last like the phone
  9. GUNS, Lots of GUNS. Bullets for those I own
  10. My OnlyFans to get out of single digits someday
  11. Number One Best Seller List All Over The World
  12. A few more glasses choices for my everyday wear
  13. To fix my fucking mouth once and for all
  14. To never be told or feel like I’m STUPID
  15. A few more masks since people are very STUPID
  16. To need less sleep or more hours every day
  17. A new tablet for my ever-growing library (books, movies)
  18. Sour gummy bears, worms, straws, skittles, the list continues
  19. A machine to produce blue raspberry Icees on demand
  20. Bottles of Blazin’ Sauce or Carolina Reaper from BWW
  21. To finally give my two weeks or just quit
  22. Apple Watch instead of the cheap one I own
  23. To know Manhood as in never calling my father
  24. A physical copy of every book I own digitally
  25. To Make SCC Second Circle Creations an honest company
  26. Gift Cards over $100 bucks for specific places, hmm
  27. Certain Playboys, DVDs, Archives, no longer in general circulation
  28. The ability to drink more than one wine glass
  29. Laptop Desk for my bed in black, mouse area
  30. The Omega Virus Board Game, the original, my childhood
  31. One single day without fear of anything at all
  32. A Nude Maid Service; haven’t cleaned “really” since B
  33. Black HP Printer in black full color and Wi-Fi
  34. A method to forget the things that distress me
  35. Three little words, “I Love You” and mean it
  36. Cash, I’m a billionaire, but I’m looking for more
  37. To look in the mirror and not hate myself

The Little Things, Love, and Happiness. B III The Emergence

219 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 061 ~B Losing Some Lovin’~

How many times have I lost love, my heartbroken? I thought I loved many a girl, but um… My Olds, way too much to unpack. I write every day but is it, love. Not like I had for B III. 212 Days, and with my love with no place to go B Losing Some Lovin’.

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Chronicle 061 ~B Losing Some Lovin’~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would give it all up to save B III. What do you want, God?

Should I have asked that instead of, um, please save my son? Is that why “He’s My Son” strikes me, you know? Mark Schultz sings to let him take his son’s place. For my son to have more love, take my life if needed. Robbing B of that, may God’s love be with you always. Hell, most days, I don’t believe in God, and if we’re going to get all religious? I don’t want to go all-in on my Olds either. Mother is God in the eyes of a child, or why I don’t fear the father of lies, aka Satan. I got my Old Man for that. For the love of money, a child. I hope I need neither by now, their love, money.

Ok, that sounds harsh, and I don’t mean death, mind you. What I mean is, if you asked me how many times I’ve said the words “I Love You?” How many times I’ve fallen in “Love?” What do those three little words mean to me? Fatherhood, Manhood, the boy in the hood? Before everything, there was writing. Even now, I’m thinking about the dream I had Sat. There was Braxton. I felt a woman was what was needed to know love. Somehow. Yes, I met you, a miracle. Baby, you chose me. We have a family. I love you and our kids. Always and forever, never forget that. It’s not a lack of love; it’s the fear of it. My Olds wouldn’t say I lost their love, I don’t think.

The thing is, I don’t feel it except the bills, and yep that idea would cost me. I have billions? You know I’ve never been good with the idea that you won’t just wake up one morning and be gone. But if you ever say, “Hey Stupid, I Love You.” I can’t stand that song. Neutron Star Collision, that’s how I love. “’Cause our love could be forever” that’s better. Love is forever. So I guess when I think of losing love… well didn’t I say love is like the sun? And I don’t know if I’m seeing an ice age or The Midnight Sun from The Twilight Zone. No matter its time, I’m losing, and God ain’t giving it back. B Losing Some Lovin’.

212 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 054 ~Will Love B There~

Sometimes B is in my dreams. When I go into his room, some of his toys have moved. I’d swear I had a rat or some other rodent, but all B’s treats are on the table. Calling him for meds, I swear I hear his paws patting all around. “Will Love B There?”

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

Chronicle 054 ~Will Love B There~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I still don’t fancy myself an art connoisseur. Well, like Onlyfans, it depends. What’s art?

There are no more little tan hairs at the foot of the bed or on my pillow from B jumping. B’s shrine, temple, memorial, I don’t know, is never going anywhere like V for Vendetta. I don’t care what we have, “Soon As I Get Home” from work, I’m in my B III hoodie, ok. Hell, where are we now 205 Days, and I’ve only ever missed one, with a treat for my B III. There are labels for meds, beeps for when I need to get up to check his spot or water bowl. You hear me when I walk into the house. Honey, I’m home. Nah, “just me, Baby B.” Is it ok? No, I’m not asking permission. Another thing like Aloe Blacc.

I’ve told you before about his song “Wake Me Up” and how he sings about life’s a game. I still don’t agree that love is the prize but a gift. Sure, not everyone wants it. There are imitations of such. But once you give it, when you receive it, well, can it be taken away? Losing Braxton has made me love more. Being a husband to you, a father to our children, I won’t ever be one to tell you what to think or believe. I know what I feel and what’s real. I know my love for my family will never diminish. It’s only, I’m loving for two now. Braxton’s not here. I know that (SIGH) I know that. I need him to be.

And you need me to be, as do our children, so to quote another song, “Where Is The Love?” Be it the Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, or applying for Cerberus’s job. I hope B will know. Baby Girl, I fear my love is like the sun. For you, it’s having to travel far from its origin. That was Braxton to me. Pathetic, I know, considering my history with the word love. B III is up there, somewhere, and the world is a bit colder for all of us. It could be that I loved him so much. I fear what would happen if I focused all my attention on you. God is love, THEY say, but God is cruel. But for us? Will Love B There

205 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 047 ~Birds And The B~

Braxton, can you try not to hump the company. True story. B will give me one of his looks like, “well, Dad, if you’re not going to.” He was his father’s son, and sooner or later, I will have to give “The Talk,” someday, among others. Birds And The B.

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Chronicle 047 ~Birds And The B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I never had it in me to have Braxton neutered. I’m a responsible parent, Ha-Ha.

This could be the second most feared conversation for a parent to have. The Birds and the Bees. Aren’t our kids a bit too young for that? Braxton was already an old man when I felt I needed to have such a conversation somehow. Braxton loved my third best friend. Hell, I never got “The Talk.” Everything I learned came from late nights with Cinemax. There was my discovery of Japanese Anime, and I mean more than Adult Swim. Hentai. I can tell you all about the first night I met Braxton. As for puberty, I rather forget it all. Well, I turned out alright… or instead Life, uh finds a way. Does Love? Well, I have us; we have a family, but a dog?

I don’t look forward to discipline. There is a song that goes, “Son, fear is the heart of love.” I will not be that sort of a father making our kids afraid. But how to talk to them at all? Now between the two of us, I hope they share our likes. But if they turn out to be jocks, religious, conservative, or prefer Star Trek to Star Wars. Um, have a little common sense. Then there is the idea of having a pet. You’ve seen first-hand what Braxton’s loss did to me. My Olds went through the wringer in their marriage but never got divorced. One of the few traditions I intend to carry on. Plus, I ain’t my father. Explaining a pet’s death.

There is so much you can teach a kid. You know how I am with music. “Son what you don’t understand. My words might never explain.” If I was a bit more like Robin Williams. I can speak of death. I can’t explain the feeling. Holding a dying love, waiting. The most I’ll give my Olds and God may I be a better man now than having to depend on them. Anyway, my relationship with them “it’s complicated.” Braxton and I… now that was love. You and I, this family. We’re okay, I say. Did anyone tell you how, though? I promised Braxton, but I don’t have his barks anymore. The birds and the bees are silent now. What is love? Birds And The B

198 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 040 ~B Team Breaking Down~

Whenever Braxton and I had an accident, stepped on his paw, his nail stuck in a collar, the time he got smacked when I saw a bunch of bullies getting their asses kicked… It was only a matter of time I had an accident with people. B Team Breaking Down

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Chronicle 040 ~B Team Breaking Down~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and like most, I believe the world is still going to Hell. So I thought yesterday.

Talk to me, all you like about 2020. No, My Love, 2021 has been the worst year ever. It is beating out the year I was born. Now that’s saying a lot which reminds me I should call in about you know what, eww. I’m not getting any younger, and being an old man sucks. There’s a difference between being an old man, the old man, and your old man baby girl. Yesterday I realized how old I was, and we’ll get to that. It was so exhausting, my god. Can’t call me B’s old man, his daddy anymore though I continue to. The audacity. Every day My Love, I try to be like the man I was. No, that’s a lie. That’s forgetting Braxton.

What about forgetting any good driving record, sigh? Yesterday I… like last week I must be careful with my words. Okay, so yesterday afternoon I had a “car accident” with this lady. No injuries; my car seems okay. No harm, no foul; people being agreeable. Forgetfulness is not my strong suit when it comes to pain. THEY ask me about Braxton. Why can’t I “move on?” It’s been 191 Days since B left. Hell, yesterday, I used my pain over losing him to not think about the fender bender. Those tears washed away the fear. Of course, it hasn’t been 24 hours. So I’ve been using everything from Songbird to Succubus, followed by Strahovski. Why not lean on you, Love?

Well, you see what happened to Braxton. When it comes to my first family… yes, I’m being a dick here because I called my old man, and my Ma called a couple of hours later. So I learned like Scrooged ahem “Scrape ’em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!” I hate that movie, by the way, or at least, think Groundhog Day is better. I prefer Happy Death Day, to be honest. What about Edge of Tomorrow since I’ve been all about The Tomorrow War? Anyway, my point is I don’t need anyone breaking down, breaking up, or just breaking because of me. With Braxton, I had to be strong because that’s his life. Only I’m broken, and it’ll take time, putting myself back together. B Team Breaking Down.

191 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will