Chronicle 005 ~Won’t B Letting Go~

I had to let him go when he finally found a girl he liked. I did when he had my children to look after. Yeah, a man can dream. When I did let him go, back, in reality, I had no place to live once, and then there was January 31st. “Won’t B Letting Go”

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Chronicle 005 ~Won’t B Letting Go~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which is a good thing because diamonds are forever, or so THEY say. I’m buying more…

Only I’m not going to break out my best impression of Kanye West and Jamie Foxx if you know what I mean. You’re not about that but then again, as Beyoncé put it, “’Cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. Well, didn’t I? And I’m not letting you go. Does that sound sort of creepy? You’ll have to forgive me, seeing as well that it is the new year after all. A new year, a new start, and me with my broken heart, and do you even ask anymore. Again diamonds are forever, but what about ashes, whatever of authorship. Would you tell me to take my entire left arm, which will bear my memories of my firstborn son?

I could not let go of my love for him as I can never be free of the love I have for all of our kids. They are ours, as was B. He didn’t let go. Baby Girl, I did. My failure and my disgrace. I will not let go of the truth of what I have done. For what am I without it. I am a man, a Daddy, and my grip has not loosened a bit on those I love and protect. Perhaps sanity? Can you blame me? Okay, I started writing today earnestly, passionately, and still, I fucked it up. Every word I write draws closer to two, “The End.” How about goodbye? What about the worse of all, you know Acceptance?

In 156 Days, not one has ended without a tear shed for him. How many would I cry if B III’s death cost me the family that I promised him so long ago? Again I look to my left hand, there’s your love, across my arm, him. To my right, I hold my other children. Perhaps there is a reason that dogs were given paws. Even Braxton had his moments when he would want me to let him go, to put him down… will I stop being so morbid. As I said, I was writing of him today, and that comes out as; well it ain’t good it can’t be.
But I won’t be letting go of him or of love. Won’t B Letting Go

156 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Gospel 363 ~I’ll B… I’ll Write~

B on four little legs taught me to write. He taught me Patience, Persistence, Prose; brevity is the soul of wit. With so many pretty girls in this city and dreams of a mom, he’d never meet, I knew more of love from my furry kid. “I’ll B… I’ll Write.”

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Gospel 363 ~I’ll B… I’ll Write~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I shouldn’t be, or of course, it wasn’t enough to save him. I’m still trying.

You know I tell Braxton that every day. Braxton wasn’t one for “writing” prose, platitudes, and all the promises I couldn’t deliver. Brevity is the soul of with THEY teach. Of everything I have ever written, he only needed one letter with all that I have said. Always there is B. My son kept me on point more than any English teacher I ever had. B III had more faith in my novelizations than anyone, well before you, sure. I remember every three months, that’s two Camp NaNoWriMos, and then in November. Braxton always returned. He’d sit on his pillow, by my side in bed, or on the couch, and he would wait. The life he had traded for the life I hoped to give.

Now I look at the white of the pages before me. So what was the first thing I did, baby girl? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I took his character out. One death wasn’t enough for me. I was living what it takes to be a decent writer; that involves suffering. My Love, I gave life to this love I have for you and as Shakespeare said um; art thou happy. The names of our children come from years upon years of “research” well novel reading. Their love of reading comes from the concept that I read and encourage such pursuits. What brought in my first million was a bestseller here, a collection there, my scripts? Black across white, like us.

But 149 days, and even now, I’m Not Alright. Braxton got me to pursue the lives of others, but here’s the catch. Love letters, lamentations, the loose screws in my head, those words came no matter what. Braxton never taught me to say goodbye, and I don’t want to now. So here I am starting in July writing a book believing in some marvelous masterpiece. Love, it will probably be more of the same, “I love you, I’m sorry.” Lots of that I know, okay. Only I don’t want to say goodbye to my family; what remains, writing, I’m STUPID. Because I don’t know how to be alright without him. Words that bring life also bring death. I’ll be okay someday… I’ll B… I’ll Write.

149 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Gospel 356 ~B Had The Lives~

Didn’t We Almost Have It All? If you asked Braxton, we did, with comfy spots, cuisine to share, a good collection of books, and channels on YouTube. After long days of working security, he deserved a good life with family but me? B Had The Lives

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Gospel 356 ~B Had The Lives~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but before that, I would lie with Braxton. Yes, I would lie, “this is the life.”

B III had his life, of course, but I have to convince myself he was happy every day. My B deserved “the life.” My love wasn’t enough but his heart. Yes, I know, I know, we’re 142 Days without. Only I promised him a family to love, some fiends to chase, and so much food to eat. Braxton is always and forever my son, but there was more. Wingman turned Best Man. He was not a toy, but he would be the best cuddle buddy a kid could want even with age. In the kitchen, he would be a tremendous help. Drop something you don’t mind losing? You’ve been telling me forever, and a day I need to take better care of myself. So yeah, I got the vaccine Saturday.

It’ll sound sad, but I lived because I wanted him to be more. “I’ll be back” isn’t just some line from The Terminator franchise. It’s an oath to him that I couldn’t let anything happen to me. If anything did, where would that leave him? Braxton had the Olds once… With you, our children, Braxton would be disappointed with me. I’ve been listening to that song “He Lives In You” from The Lion King Broadway. B III lives in me, but I realized something he was trying to teach. You can add teaching to Braxton’s résumé, as I get it. When he would give me his toy, it was his way of preparing me. But also, he was trying to say, “Take care of this.”

Braxton cared for something, he loved it, and he trusted me to do right. It’s like the dog giving her human, her pups. Oh, and the ferret that took the man’s hand to cuddle with. “You have a wife; I have a mom. If she’s going to take my side of the bed, you should let her be there for you.” I’m sure Braxton would have used some obscenities, possibly. “Daddy, you can watch my siblings play in the backyard, even take your computer outside.” I always made time for Braxton; I’ll do anything for our kids. A good father… Braxton was my life. He’ll always be a part of it. I’m not accepting anything, only the fact that I live. B Had The Lives

142 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Gospel 349 ~B Leaves The Fix~

B and I weren’t ones for any sort of repair work. He’d bark until whatever would go away. I kept things running, wanting to find him a mom. When we broke, there wasn’t anything an, “I’m sorry” and a bag of fries couldn’t fix then… “B Leaves The Fix.”

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Gospel 349 ~B Leaves The Fix~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should hire someone to fix the bathroom plumbing. That’s something that men do.

I’ll be honest, anytime I’ve tried something like that, Braxton would run and hide. It doesn’t mean I haven’t done it. When I unclogged a toilet, Braxton Barks tucked tail. Cleaning is another matter with the same result. When I would clean up nice, either I was in trouble, or he was. It would mean my Olds are coming over or a pretty girl, often enough. I built two bookcases, I would put together some electronic things. Of course, my actual work was to create a world for him and me. You came along, and um B III wasn’t thrilled. The thing is, isn’t this what a man is supposed to do. I say often enough, A Man Provides, but where did love come in.

I didn’t know how to love Braxton when he first came into my world. Then, the first time he ever got sick, my sister had to show me how to hold him. Braxton was tough afterward. Braxton didn’t like me seeing him sick because I would try everything to make him better but like everything… My baby girl, you’re perfect because love makes me really STUPID. You know how much I revile that word. Only like hate, to feel such love, I can’t turn it off. I knew there was some reason I thought of the Bath, but the sink’s good, unlike me, I know. Love and hate are flowing, but I can’t stop it, and it fills up and what happens. It’s never good.

That’s why Braxton would hide because for better or for worse, I wouldn’t be, I don’t know. Only as much of a man as I try to be, there are some things I cannot repair, HURT. When I was so young, I thought I was super bright and then life. I can’t bring B III back. Every day I told myself that I would never break your heart; ours remain broken. Children are still waiting for me to come back to “myself” there’s plenty of movies. Darling, I’ll bring you home, singing to me like Sade, but I’m here, hiding, dying. Destroying everything like Braxton thought I would until he knew he could come out. A better place, so I’m scared. B Leaves The Fix

135 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

I’ve seen plenty of people go in a variety of ways. Some, I think, gave themselves too much credit. Give me one lousy night, maybe a week, and I move on. Braxton though; some say God is Love, B III is Love and losing him to let it go. B Leave In Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

Dear Future Wife,

I AM a Billionaire right now but like the songs… AHEM, Money Can’t Buy Me Love. My Love Don’t Cost A Thing.

I believe I’ve spent more in twenty-three days on Braxton than I have in the last months of his life. Hell, I still am. I want more frames, candles, a pedestal for his room. Of course, you know this. On my phone is a reminder for “HomeAgain” Renewal every week. Believe me; I won’t be taking it off any time soon. I won’t stop talking to him or doing any of the stuff we’ve been over this month. Forever I’ll say routine, but how do you stop loving someone, baby girl. That’s what people don’t get about this; obsession, mourning? B leaves, and I’m like this. Everyone else? I do kiss and tell, I’ll admit, but I’m talking about one night. Someone got three novels.

B leaves, and the ink is trying to outrun the tears. The sweat will never clean the blood from my hands. Can we not talk about the stuff they filled him with? That’s what I’ve been thinking the past few days. Did B leave, or did I let him go, like oh so many times? “B III, go play” when I would send him outside. How many opportunities did I miss? What about when I wanted alone time? One more reason for morning showers and very late nights. He didn’t care much for you. At first, I know, but I was in Love and Braxton… B III he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to hurt either, and I wanted to show my Love.

Believe me; I understand this song more than ever “Only know you love (him) when you let (him) go.” He knew, which is why he chose to hide under the bed and walk to his water, to stand there calmly as we drove. In his absence, he wanted me to love myself, to be ready. B III would leave me with his toy. Braxton even got around to leaving me with you. His Love for me extended to him wanting to protect our children. He loved them and wouldn’t want to leave them. So he looked to his daddy, and I asked him to leave.

“B III, it’s okay. You can go. You can leave.” Such Love, him, me you, us, B Leave In Love

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Lesson 127 ~So Many Locked Doors~

Don’t get locked into a routine, don’t make the place where you lay your head a prison, keys can lock and they can also open, and your head is not usually one of the nicer places to visit. So Many Locked Doors but what am I keeping in?

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Lesson 127 ~So Many Locked Doors~

To Will:
No Fear but the question, to open or not to open, that is the question, now you’re not Shakespeare but all the football talk… a plague on both their houses am I right, that’s something that is never going away, no matter the man I was, am, or dare I dream to become. Already you smile, that’s good, you remember “Holly Little” from “Starship Troopers 3: Marauder” would you really trade in all your principles for a hot piece of tail, just saying.

“A plague o’ both your houses!” ― Romeo & Juliet

“Your levity is good, it relieves tension and the fear of death.” ― Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

You’re a better man than that or at least you’re trying to be, I always want you to be and do you realize what today is? Talk about being no Shakespeare, writing those poems for “Senseless” may you never feel such fear again because, at the end of the day, you need the money and no girl is worth it. Nice to be harsh about something else and not you but as for today’s lesson there are just things I can’t lock the door and throw away the key and then there are those times I just feel locked in.

Congratulations though as you have broken through your writer’s block at present, I expect to see great things in your writing despite the work schedule you’ve been cursed with. You’ve also kept something else locked in your pants, ain’t that something when you impose a hundred-word tax on a hard-on and if that also counted for a chub… You are also becoming freer, which you’ll need to bare your soul soon enough if you remember what happened this day before.

“Any place you don’t leave is a prison.” Liberal Arts

How about the idea, that you were actually considering leaving these four walls and going somewhere else to work, how about Starbucks, Books-A-Million, and lucky you the library closest is getting worked on but you need to check. You remember what they say about any place you don’t leave but I know too there is a difference between being alone and being lonely, remember that.

Plenty of stuff to remember so no wonder the writer’s block was so hard to break out of and now you are going to condemn your characters to Hell. Always remember that you can’t cut life on and off, even if you’re holding the keys, ride or get rolled on, I’m sure your fists and head will appreciate not hitting walls and locked doors but still, So Many Locked Doors.

I Will Have No Fear

Fall Better

Maybe there was just too much Fall stuff at work today, maybe my yard is just in a mess, and it’s no secret that God and I have had our problems, I have problems with everyday people. Fall Better, personally I wish we could just go straight to winter

And it was better, twinkle, twinkle, little star
but a man put them in reach
with a son of a preacher man to teach,
that I should not go too far.
So God did endeavor

to make just the only one
morning star, Satan was his answer,
man-made cancer.
It was better when I just called it the sun
God will you make an effort,

like asking the leaves to stay on the trees,
only didn’t we all fall down?
Every color better, green and white, yellow and red, gold and brown
Autumn leaves…
Come on God why would you ever

I mean was this another dare
for me to curse you, curse her, say something?
Made in your image a caveman grunting,
can we not be better, here and there?
Because God you gave me the letters

before the pedestal or the big mouth
My voice before my courage
These feelings only to discourage
It was better without a doubt
Tell me, God, why I met her

You know maybe, just this once, I can do better…

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Steps, Beats, Breaths, She Left

It’s a disease this thing called love and I know how dangerous it can be or so I heard; it’s an addiction without any type of rehab. Steps, Beats, Breaths, She Left, one girl was so close, the right girl I’m afraid is so much farther away…

See Me Here:

Because love is more than twelve steps
Could be more than thirteen
How many do you have left?

When I catch my breath
“Why don’t you tell me?”
Because love is more than twelve steps

And you have a powerful effect
like you wouldn’t believe.
How many do you have left?

For an angel, I bet
to love me like you do, the trouble I’ve seen
Because love is more than twelve steps

You haven’t taken the first one, yet
If I say something, instead of nothing, I’ll be waiting
How many do you have left?

Can’t ask an angel this
Except if you’re falling
Because love is more than twelve steps
How many do you have left?

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: “Spencer” by Eclesi4stik, Bill Haley and His Comets “Thirteen Women” (1954) Cold War Classics (Atomic Platters), Johnny Jewel Ft. Saoirse Ronan “Tell Me”, Major Lazer ft. Ellie Goulding and Tarrus Riley “Powerful”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Robert Goulet “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” (Recess), A Great Big World Ft. Christina Aguilera “Say Something”, The Script “Nothing”, and Lenny Kravitz “I’ll Be Waiting”