Log 250 ~I’m Not Sleepy Will~

I do stay up way past my bedtime though, like my furry son, I am much too old to make things so simple anymore, but when my head hits the pillow, there are no ifs, and or buts, now about living… I’m Not Sleepy Will

Saturday, March 7, 2020

Log 250 ~I’m Not Sleepy Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and for One Shining Moment, I fought back sleeping. A small victory, but I’ll take it. Call it being horny, feeding on hate, or as Faith would say Hubris. Yeah, Lady Lu, I still miss playing Far Cry 5, and I’m a bit scared to pick it up again. Story of my life right, as I told Indiana Gone, Depression, but can I call it that if I know what it is right off the bat. Picking up a controller is the least of my worries; my feet, my head, my addiction, it’s like I’m toxic.

Everyone running around saying, “don’t touch your face” I know what I’m trying not to touch. Besides that, my pillow, my punches, and my passions. Again why do you think I’m still up? Yeah, I paid $20.00 to keep watching movies, and I don’t regret it, Lady Lu. Now that also goes for picking up Fast Food because I would get conked out in moments. Anger takes a lot out of you, and it’s what I feel most of the time. I’m burning out throughout the workday. Still, when it comes to accomplishing something meaningful. Well, today (Thursday), Cherry told me about one of the lines of my novella. “Some men are baptized in the blood of the battlefield.” I wish I could say I was so deep on some level and out of 7,000 plus words, which looks sad.

To be in such a state of mind Lady Lu. Do I regret any of the words I’ve written out of anger this week? I believe I will know at some point, but as for now, like sleep, I think not. Here’s another thing about sleeping; I would be dreaming at this very moment. My motivations often speak enough about living your dream. The idea is that most days are a nightmare, and that’s where the Depression comes in Lady Lu. I spend my days searching for another universe to lose myself in; today, I finished another one. Not one of mine mind you but The Five by Lily White. Now that book is going to bring “sweet” dreams of the wrong sort as always. It does beat being awake, though, but here I am trying because, as I read once, SIGH, “Hell is repetition.”

But I’m not dead yet, and I’m Not Sleepy Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 243 ~You Willie A Critic~

Doesn’t The Bible say something about judging others, and I’ve seen parts that would give certain paysites a run for their money with the raunchiness to be sure, and here I am saying I would never be a man of God. “You Willie A Critic”

Saturday, February 29, 2020

Log 243 ~You Willie A Critic~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it’s not for being funny. It’s not for being smart, a Republican, or even myself. Now, if it was for being STUPID, that’s the only reason I would give the money back. Lady Lu, I can’t stand STUPIDITY for its own sake ever. To this day, I wouldn’t mind being as controversial as the Marquis de Sade. It’s been a long day since I have felt this fire burning inside me to write. For two days straight, I have forgone naps because of this story.

“A Sin Full Of Cherry,” and no, I’m not thinking about changing the name. Facebook made that abundantly clear, and why am I so mad? As Metallica screamed, “Gimme fuel Gimme fire, Gimme that which I desire,” and I need it Lady Lu. These past few days have been all about rage at everything. It feels like everything is falling away. You also know how I like my list. The Den is still HUMMING. The toilet seat is still useless in the half bath. One of my cars still isn’t working, and the radio in my second car has gone silent. How about that, the one place I want some silence is loud and where I need noise I get quiet. Well, it has given me more than enough time to listen to Audible. Only today (Wednesday), I finished listening to The Gargoyle. Now I’ve moved onto Beauty and The Professor. Oh, I also made a playlist for my novella, not much yet to share.

Let me tell you this. I’m not reading today; I want to work on my book. Am I that weak Lady Lu for you know who? How can a writer be as such, we create worlds and people; you think I was going to mention God? Well, I did make my character a Minister. Once upon a time, there was this church lady who told me I would become a minister. I’m sure this isn’t what she had in mind. How many times have I said it, build paradise, be surrounded by pretty “angels.” While also like My Dæmon, finding a multitude of comfy spots and never getting up until hunger demands. However, with his face, he’s never going hungry, and as for me, Lady Lu? Well, my life isn’t the most prolific thing of all, but how many stars?

No, You Willie A Critic?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 084 ~When Does A King Kneel~

“There is a king in me” as the song goes or I should research a bit of history because it might be easier to find than the things I have been looking for on any given day; enough to bring anyone to their knees. “When Does A King Kneel”

Monday, September 23, 2019

Log 084 ~When Does A King Kneel~

Hundred And Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Millionaire right now and soon to be “Like A Boss” as the kids say nowadays. Not today and not tomorrow and yeah I hear you saying and why not. Too busy being a time traveler. Yes, I want to have that moment where The Day Job will be nothing but a horrible memory. I’m sure I will have a woman somewhere to thank for that luck. No, let’s call it something else, like perseverance. Now such a thing requires me to be on my feet or punching these keys daily.

Now’s not the time to sleep, so what else can I do Madam Justice? As the song goes, Run Boy Run, and we’ve talked about it stemming from fear. Eric Thomas says you have to attack the fight, but I still hate math class. Only when was I in a class last, and today (Sunday) I was only counting money. Of course, that leads me to research. If I’m not on the keys, I should be like Bill Gates and read books faster. I’ve been listening to way too many motivations last week, which leads me to my point. When does a king kneel, there is no porno for dummies (LANGUAGE). You know how I feel about words like that but back to the point. Madam Justice there is no master to teach me how. I wanted to go into stocks, but there are none, or I’m not looking hard enough. Of course, I’m looking for actresses, Saturday was bust.

Again I was on my knees this morning counting up the cash, so that’s why I’m starting with modeling. I have my Firstborn, so I’m always kneeling to clean up after the kid and cuddle. One should stop and smell the roses too or play games; I haven’t done either lately. No Madam Justice when I kneel, I’m hiding. Care to take a knee for a noble cause? Never I’m at the fucking Day Job (LANGUAGE). The man who would be king falls out of pain and service. Now I don’t mind service, but the question is how. Again I’m studying other artists on Patreon and adult entertainment. Why would anyone pay $75.00 for a naked character in something I’ve written myself? Do I believe people would fall so quickly, well haven’t I Madam Justice?

Am I a man hmm? When Does A King Kneel?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 077 ~Great, Just Be A Man~

I’m better than I was yesterday, but everything within me wants to argue you that fact and I need only wait until I get around some people and what the hell will happen to my manhood. Great, Just Be A Man.

Monday, September 16, 2019

Log 077 ~Great, Just Be A Man~

Hundred And Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Millionaire right now and remain a stickler for time. Haven’t I always been and with the Day Job? I need to be a step ahead, still. Does that mean I’m running? Well, Run Boy Run. The question is, where am I going, hell I’m always running at the Day Job. I woke up this morning (Sunday) because of a nightmare. Remember “Stupidest” from the Day Job; the dream had me running from a gaggle of them. Somebody killed me, but I don’t know who. Anyway, the moral I got was they were the better man.

Which, of course, leads me to today? Yesterday I got my Patreon running, and this morning I got my modeling page up. These are the thoughts of a businessman, a man that is doing. You know I’m always on the cusp of quoting Yoda or some great erotic writer. If I were only to be me though SIGH I’m upset I lost a Facebook friend. I’ll be in a bad mood for this week for a variety of reasons. Oh yeah, and the first block I was expecting came from the unexpected. What the hell NaNoWriMo I thought it was a funny meme. Speaking of pictures, what’s that I said about a modeling page? Can you believe I had the nerve? The moment I start talking about cover girls, I get a message from my publisher. Now that gave me a chill without a doubt.

To think; that’s one reason I hate fear so much, it stops you from thinking. Anyway, I want to live such a life, and the smallest things get in the way. You know maybe that’s the rub. Now, this is more Lady Sophia’s thing, but a writer is akin to a god. The idea is after I create the man has to deal with the mess. Mountain from a molehill so you might ask me why go all out. Again it makes me feel great and then I know I’ll have to get by when it comes to life. If I had my way Madam Justice I would be strong enough to tell people to Fuck Off (LANGUAGE). What happens to those kinds of people in my stories? One of my motivations says to be the hero of your story. Why live History books? Before that Madam Justice, needn’t be Great, Just Be A Man?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 083 ~Will Whisper To God~

What’s one more lazy day, I couldn’t scream to get up but one noise from my phone and it’s time to get to work, just in case right and let me say that church never got me to do that but the day job, my father, a pretty girl *sigh*. Will Whisper To God

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Episode 083 ~Will Whisper To God~

Hey Lady Lu,
How to make One Million Dollars; well I hear tell people will sell their souls to Satan for much less and give themselves to God for nothing at all and pretend that their Laughing With either or. I believe that the Devil gives better advice but at the same time what is the sum of human wisdom… I figured there was a good reason I dreamed about Alexandre Dumas, to the point, quotes and The Shawshank Redemption; more jail dreams just saying.

‘all human wisdom is contained in these two words, ‘Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas

That seems to be my battle cry these days, and people have often told me I’m a good listener unless it’s something about me, and then they all turn into politicians, but hell I’m the same when it comes to listening to myself sadly. There’s never an argument when I have to get out of bed in the morning for the day job, no confusion when my little boy needs me to let him back in the house and when a beautiful girl comes calling, wow. If anything that’s what got me out of bed today, another pretty girl on “Whisper” did I ever tell you that’s how I met Indiana Gone, met another girl who couldn’t stand my face.

Now did she say that; not in so many words and now I got one more that disappeared all of a sudden and so I listen to my inner voice, and you know how they ask would you like you if you met you; yeah I hate that guy. The Devil Is A Lie, but she’s focused, and as I often say, everything I could ever want in this world is impossible, immoral, illegal, and insanity but not to her; does that make me sexist making the Devil female? It explains why God never had a chance, the Devil would, of course, garner my desire but God, Our Father, a black man that I could never talk to, oh yeah he’s always there right but these are not the days to cry out to him, roar, or scream, no you whisper Lady Lu, remember that.

It’s why the world is a mess right now and if we are born in God’s image; again, I don’t fear success, but I have seen what I do when I’m no longer whispering, the worlds I’ve created, the actions I have taken and yet I Will Whisper To God.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 322 ~Let’s Speak English Please~

It’s not that people speak different languages but and I have made this argument before, there is too much noise, with gunfire and royal proclamations, and everybody is looking towards heaven but then again. “Let’s Speak English Please” not like that

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Lesson 322 ~Let’s Speak English Please~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again after a bit of a racist sentiment but it’s only racism if you compare me to Aaron Schlossberg or any Trump supporter, hell it might be treason during the Revolutionary War, but honestly today I mean the Royal Wedding. One country is preparing to bury more children and teachers, and another is welcoming love with a ton of security, thankfully nothing has happened; what if they had real knights with everyone knighted?

It’s times like these I think of that story of The Tower of Babel the idea that humanity spoke one language, and I would like to believe that language was love, but you can’t have love without hate. I’m still not a man of faith, but if there is a God sometimes you would think he hates us, my mom would probably go on some rant about love; why does love have to sound so much as hate, maybe something is lost in translation. I keep coming up with these reasons to write and here’s another, I’m trying to translate me because again it’s days like these I feel I am capable of love, but no one understands at all.

“If you think that what I do and how I live’s too much
I don’t really really give two fux
If you think that what I say and what I give ain’t love
I don’t really really give two fux” ― Adam Lambert, Two Fux

For example, if I were to have a wedding I’ve always wanted something like The Hunger Games, riding into the arena with my girl, crowds cheering, fire effects, or something like The Walking Dead or Star Wars. Don’t I call myself a traditionalist and maybe it’s sad because when’s the last time anyone said they love me, other than “Indiana Gone” and of course my dog gets a pass, but I tell him I love him every day, haven’t told a person that in years. More Than Words or Let’s Get Lost because we can’t “Escape” the fact that we’ve forgotten the love and again people will argue the contrary but we have dead children, and people instead hold onto their guns. We celebrate two people only to remind ourselves what love should look like or so we all dream.

If I’m not translating myself I do believe that words have the power to change the world as we know it, English, Spanish, Japanese, Yiddish, and god knows how many other languages because there are millions of ways to say I love you, but I need to hear it. Even if it’s Untitled (How Does It Feel) yeah I’ll turn off my phone, but I’m in a lovey-dovey mood, and I’m “Lost Without U” Lady Lu. Probably still am, unfortunately, but I’m just trying to understand, and with my languages *sigh* Let’s Speak English Please.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

Go ahead and tell everybody, I don’t know, but for once I’m not focused on the who but more on the what and usually that’s not anything I care to repeat but being a man these days. “I Am A Man Remember,” or I’ll see in the shower.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

Sixteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“What makes a monster and what makes a man?” ― Clopin, The Bells of Notre Dame (Reprise), from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore to say to any further extent that I honestly don’t know, that’s why you’ll see variations of this rule throughout because I am trying to figure it out. Now let me say this, in a moment I will be a hypocrite, I don’t believe neither God nor woman can teach one how to be a man, it’s just not possible.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.” ― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation #3.5

See I told you, that’s from a woman, and I have read more erotic literature than most and I ask myself is this what women want, but that’s sort of like being in rehab if you do it for someone else it doesn’t take. Now what about God, Jesus was made flesh correct and yet by today’s standards, traveled with twelve guys, didn’t drink, and of course, he never knew women, and somehow he was the greatest thing ever. As for myself well; I admire 60% of the men I read about, I don’t drink, I hang with a couple of girls, and I have been called some of the most horrible things but what is worse than being a man, being a woman… low.

“A woman is strength.
Not just the giver of life
and all that, but more.
Men don’t even know who they are
until they find the right woman.
Or, for that matter,
if they even want a woman.
But whatever he chooses,
it starts with us.” ― The Brothers (2001)

If a woman is a woman when she gains the ability to give life, is it the same for a man, I do have illusions of being a father one day, and I am to the four-legged ball of instant love. I can go on forever and a day about what I think a man is, but there is too much emphasis on what a man is supposed to be and speaking of my dog, I have said I want to be the man my dog thinks I am. Why not apply, if I had a daughter and she dated maybe a guy like me would I be pleased… ask Indiana Gone, I cook, I clean, I don’t lie, I don’t screw other women, how I want to but she’s not mine, so there’s that.

“Only a fool refuses a woman who offers herself.” ― Miroku’s Past Mistake, Inuyasha, 161

Here’s the question, do I want to be a man pleasing to God, women, my dog, my parents whoever; I have a job, a car, I protect what’s mine, I don’t do drugs, I want to write. I love most animals; I kill spiders, roaches, other creepy crawlers, I read, etc. None of that matters though to any and all, I might even have biology on my side, and just like any math class I just copy the problem over an over *sigh* I might not be great, worthy, right, or just, so be afraid, I Am A Man Remember.

“Mercy is the mark of a great man.

Guess I’m just a good man.

Well, I’m all right.” Shindig, Firefly

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Maybe if I was left with a few beers, sometimes as the song goes I wish it would rain, could I maybe go work out in the gym, how about having some woman in my bed, anything to stop talking about my feelings “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Seventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, but complaints, tears, frustrations, worries, and who am kidding there is fear, there is always fear, but the trick is that nobody is supposed to know it if anything that is not what a man is. As if I know what being a real man is right but on the other hand, there are plenty of days I don’t think I even have a heart at all really.

I get accused of a lot of wearing my heart on my sleeve and even today I could find plenty to cry about, how hard work was today (my boss said I look like Spike Lee) plus I’m just so tired, how this week is going to suck overall, or how about why I’m even bothering with NaNoWriMo. What about the situation I found myself in so many months ago; no question I wasn’t being a gentleman back then and I think I read somewhere that a gentleman must keep these feelings to himself. It hasn’t just been words either which has been ugly enough I think, but then again can I count my heart amongst some of those ha.

You don’t know how many times I wish I could just break down and cry or to actually pray for a miracle, should I start envying my dog and maybe I understand why some men make themselves out to be gods. Could you imagine God crying about something and you know this will lead to a Jesus discussion so let’s just drop it right now? That’s the thing though I should just drop it, drop everything that makes me, myself I guess and instead of crying, drown my sorrows, fake it till I make it, or whatever else people say.

So am I expected to lie forever… if other people can do it, and at least it would be something because you know I’m too quiet anyways isn’t that right. The thing is crying never solves anything now does is Madam Justice, I think even you would think less of me but truth be told can people’s opinion of me get any lower… still complaining?

I again find myself apologizing for just being me for I am truly guilty but it could be worse, it nearly has been worse but at the end of the day, I’m still alive so Stop Crying Your Heart Out.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 132 ~A Few More Keys~

Twenty-six letters in the alphabet and I have to make fifty thousand words or more, sounds horrifying when you look at it that way, like some monster I can’t escape because I still have to choose the right key, over and over. “A Few More Keys” really

Friday, November 10, 2017

Lesson 132 ~A Few More Keys~

Hey Lady Sophia,
No Fear, other than I can’t get out of is so what’s the key to being a good writer and while this is somewhat simplistic advice, for once I can give you an answer. Write, now isn’t that what they all say and how about comparing yourself to others, sad to admit that the idea that someone is worse seems to get me through these days now.

That and “5-hour Energy” which is how I managed to get anything done at all yesterday but as I told you before, it’s “NaNoWriMo” and I’m proud to say that I’m actually participating to a certain degree. I’m going to need every trick in my repertoire to get this done and at the moment that means the placebo effect. It’s keeping me buzzed as we speak, I should probably be writing a review for “Powerade” too but honestly, I don’t need to add any more to my plate right now.

So right now my current story is “The Keys of Life” but that’s a working title, and Grammarly already nailed me on dreaded plagiarism, so I’ll have to see where, and of course shelling out more money. I was thinking something along the lines of “Wool” meets “Mad Max” probably with some “Sucker Punch” thrown in as well and of course, it will be erotica or whatever I hope erotic to be. Is it sad that I’m already throwing in characters like this will be a movie, or maybe that’s just par for the course these days helping me visualize?

I can’t even give you a synopsis because I can’t see where I’m going, I’m just taking it one key at a time, one step at a time, and aren’t I always saying that time is always against me. Even today I have to write a review for “Ruthless King” by Meghan March, well I don’t have to but I want to kill more time writing about somebody else really.

I wonder if God ever felt this way, maybe he got bored playing The Sims, wanting everything to be perfect and so he just chose to step back and give himself eternity. I don’t have that luxury, think outside, off the TV and Youtube, even the depression if I can and get right back to writing but Lady Sophia it’s *sigh* A Few More Keys.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

All work and no play, but what about some work and sitting on my behind, which is actually sort of perfect since I have been behind for quite some time now. “Playing God, Good, Guy” better than being a rock but what else could I be doing, try reading

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe disappointment, maybe depression, somewhat dejection but no fear which if this was my “Blackjack Scale” would probably be a five and no don’t hit me. I can’t help but feel like I’m giving up and for what more time, what have I been doing today though it feels good to have a clean inbox.

I’ve been catching up on TV for the most part and actually had decent food, didn’t I tell you that dinner went okay and that usually means not killing myself with something undercooked and actually having leftovers to look forward to. Any day I’m not sleeping the day away in bed… took a nap on the couch and nearly gave into temptation, not that anyone would care to be honest. Isn’t that what this is all about, thinking that someone cares when at the end of the day, it would just be so easy to just let this all go.

It’s what reminded me of the book, “The Hauntings of Playing God” a title that didn’t disappoint but I have plenty of authors that seem to be counting on me. While I have no problem telling people to f* off, I still hate letting people down if there is such a task that I have set my mind to and I am always my worst critic, though YouTube begs to differ, only that’s just me being invisible once again. What do they say, flattery will get you nowhere and what about criticism, if love is an open door, then a few bad words are like an invading force, that leaves nothing left behind to see.

Not that I’m burning my work down to the ground this time, though besides talking to you today what else have I done, what else is there left to do? This just gets me back to why I need a break as if I haven’t had enough of those just falling into the endless abyss.

It makes me question have I ever truly hit rock bottom or experienced true freedom though I can tell you about a time or two back in high school and of course when I was out walking the streets for a few. So what have I learned today, other than I should be playing if not working, or always so exhausted that I’m passed out as I’m dreaming, of course, I’m Playing God, Good, Guy?

I Will Have No Fear