Tale 074 ~Don’t B Jealous, Virgil~

Jealous? I can be far worse and, dare I say, greater. Can I ever be happy? I can’t tell you the last time I was. But I’m sure it was on some E-Day. And now that the thirty-ninth has passed… Geez, B III, how did you do fifteen? Don’t B Jealous, Virgil

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

Tale 074 ~Don’t B Jealous, Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m sure that involves all my sins. Treachery, Lust, Sloth, Wrath, Greed, Envy, Pride… More?

I still don’t see myself as a prideful person. My grandma told me I was. Considering how much I despise E-Day, I was “proud” to have a tray of cupcakes for myself. I did share… eventually. I talk to you and the rest of the girls. And for some inane reason. I think that someone is reading. There’s also the fact that if I dropped dead right now (fingers crossed). I want to believe that someone would care that wasn’t furry with four legs. Please!

Braxton was jealous that I began putting all my sins above him. Wanting the world to feel my wrath gave way to my Treachery. My betrayal of my firstborn son. And Virgil has every right to be jealous of Braxton.

But what do I know about fur babies, as I failed Braxton? And even if I were right, it’s not Virgil’s envy that’s in question but my own. All last night, it was, “Hey Jealousy.”

Why am I so into audiobooks? And, of course, the Day Job started forbidding earbuds. Can I give them the cupcakes back? Honest to God, I seek not happiness but the strength to endure. A moment in my existence, I don’t court death itself, Inspector.

Only it’s happiness that brings me to you, OK? Yep time-travel Sunday, September 10, 2023. Last night, I saw that Samantha and TBR Schmitt welcomed their daughter to the world. It was Madison’s birthday from MAC React. And isn’t she expecting a baby too? Wow!

Me and other people’s happiness. I should be ashamed, as I’ve been asking every day this month as I turned thirty-nine. What have you done? Not a damn thing, Inspector. And as the critic asked today… really. What is E-day? Emergence, Existence, Extinction? But let me try again. E-day is the day I was born. Inspector, nothing happy about it.

No girls are jealous, considering most are animated. I am bouncing back and forth between Koumi-jima Shuu 7 de Umeru Mesu-tachi and Himawari wa Yoru ni Saku. But if you want real, @bunnie_wifey vs. Momokun. Lust is right up there.

But jealous? That Braxton found death first, without me. “Drunk all and left no drop to help me after.” Being me. Don’t B Jealous, Virgil.

955 Days Without B III, Day 396 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Saga 300 ~To B Alive, Virgil~

“What is real? How do you define ‘real’?” Um, sorry, Morpheus, but what is living? How do you define living? The way I figure, wife and children (two-legged). “My business?” “Cash rules everything around me.” Fame, fortune? My son. To B Alive, Virgil

Thursday, April 27, 2023

Saga 300 ~To B Alive, Virgil~

816 Days Without B III, Day 257 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How about this question, B? What do you want to be when you grow up?

Big! Final answer? No. January 31st, on that day, your answer would have been, “Take me home.” And you would be my son, and that’s all that mattered to you. Afterward… whatever. Instead, in your bed, you asked me a question. Drugged, dying… “Why can’t I stay?” Braxton, I should do some more reading. “Pet Grief: How to Cope Before and After?” Yeah, I never read that stuff when you were around. Of course. Always and forever. Braxton, I was reading last night. The book discussed how I should replace the video of your death with “happier” memories in “my mind.” So as I risked life and limb today, I sat in the car and thought. You’re always riding with me. The pendant I wear…

Then I thought about Virgil sitting in your spots—the passenger side of your best friend’s ride. There’s him on the bed. And there’s your room. Your pillow Braxton. Dammit. Months later, and I’m still pissed about that. But Virgil’s petrified. Am I that bad… Thursday, I’m your Dad. 300 days of the Saga I continue to be. That is all and nothing more. Well, a pervert that wanted to eff the woman I was working with. Besides the point. As I keep saying. Most days I want to join you. Hell! All days. You won’t like this, but you have something in common with your granddad. Him living, you being dead B life sucks! Virgil feels the same way about me and him, sure.

Virgil is the life I should be worried about. He did well at his appointment. But with all the money I’m about to lose this week. Let’s start with forgetting to pick up any dinner. Don’t worry, you would have got your fries, or Virgil did. The little freeloader. Stopping! Anyway, I wish being broke was the only bad news. But it’s not like reading good news is doing me favors. Braxton, it’s like fate, karma; the universe can’t decide. You got me through 2020, Braxton. Now if it isn’t, the world is going to Hell; it’s all those angels I talked about with Echo. And today I saw Tobe Nwigwe got in a movie. Again I’m proud. But Braxton, I’m wasting “my life” existence… Alive? To B Alive, Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Lesson 176 ~My Turn To Fly~

Christmas Eve and I suppose Santa is out doing his thing… what I don’t believe in Santa, how can I when I don’t hold out any hope for myself, my faith is all shot to hell when every day is the same but tonight… My Turn To Fly

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Lesson 176 ~My Turn To Fly~

To Will:
No Fear but it wasn’t worth, the events of this week and so whatever can I give to you as a gift, I already told one friend I’m sort of horrible and this whole gift-giving thing, especially this year. Unfortunately, that cross is yours to bear, so be ready this week, it’s your turn to fly, and hopefully, you won’t fall flat on your face as I did.

I mean you’re not Santa, you don’t have the luxury of operating from the shadows or maybe this week sure, but there is still work to put in. You won’t have Christmas magic to fall back on, you’ll have actually to give a shit, and that can be freaking exhausting, caring about others, friends, Facebook, even the assholes. Speaking of which I hope you won’t be as sick, hell Santa Claus has 364 days to be ill can you imagine if he were queasy tonight?

Don’t they say that some heroes don’t wear capes but what exactly makes Santa a hero, the fact that he gives all he has how about the truth that of his immortality, invincibility, or both? Maybe the ability for even one night to rule the world, it could be the ability that he has in a way usurped a god, indeed several different deities. Most men think they’re God; this one just happens to be right though it’s death to acknowledge that sort of thing isn’t it, as the song goes, no one man should have all that power right.

So am I jealous of Santa… you’re damn right I am, and so I won’t tell you to be him, though you must keep in mind, what you give, your writing, and the faith you have if not in God and not in yourself in what? Maybe that should be your goal this week; you didn’t believe that 5-hour Energy would allow you to forgo a nap and yet here we are, baby steps but there isn’t time even now.

Honestly, you should be flying by now, if not for you, for others, okay see that’s too far, have faith that you will survive tomorrow, that you won’t get fired, that you can be a better man. Santa is the man, and he only works one night out of the year, how’s that for social anxiety, My Turn To Fly.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 032 ~In Oprah We Trust~

I don’t think I ever watched Oprah as a child except once when they were talking about children being kidnapped, thanks for fostering that fear grand mommy. “In Oprah We Trust”, I saw the cover of her magazine and strangely enough found courage.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Lesson 032 ~In Oprah We Trust~

Hey Lady Lu,
I think I’m starting to sound like Phil Dunphy… I’m turned on by powerful (black women) not really truthfully, but this is the second time one has inspired me so. Not so much the courageous thought but today Oprah via a magazine, gave me a new life motto today, something I’m truly trying to actualize, “NO FEAR”.

“I’ll admit it, I’m turned on by powerful women, Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena … Williams … wait a minute.” Phil Dunphy, Modern Family

It wouldn’t be the first time, you remember the dreams, Luna, hell the absolute certainty, when it comes to writing, an endorsement from Oprah and your words were seen as holy writ. I want to feel that certainty now, that one day I’m not going to feel like this, that one day I’m going to embrace those words, no fear, she didn’t even say it like that but the things you find in the break room at work. A bunch of idiots talking about nothing, that Mr. Goodbar that is becoming my go to snack, the mother of my children that is going to get me into trouble once again…

So why today and how about tomorrow, how about right now, if anything I wish I was being more articulate with this, but the best ideas often come at the worst times. As much as I want to embrace this new ideology, I know I’m not ready yet, couldn’t ask the mother of my children her name. I won’t let myself forget about this new motto tomorrow, I need to ingrain this as easily as I did “the incident” as quickly as any other humiliation, I need to know this.

To think this all started with a magazine cover in which the question was asked, “what would you do if you weren’t afraid”? Do we really want to know Lu, my hands are shaking at mere aspect, like father like son right, Braxton and I, afraid of what we love the most or I hope?

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
― by Ayn Rand

You know if anything I’m always one for a good quote; knowledge I think is perhaps the greatest gift you can give and I mean in every single form, mental, carnal, ideological, and even spiritual as long as it requires you to think. One of the reasons I both hate the church and envy them because they tell you not to think but by wiping you of the will to do so you gain the courage to do anything really.

“Seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” Worthy of Your Soul” by DJ Milky and b-nCHANt-d featuring Rachel Pollack

This is my life’s motto, for a long time I considered it the meaning of life, not so much anymore but even now this is where I’m headed but my mistake has been operating from the shadows. No one builds a kingdom from the dark but rather brick by brick, stone by stone, in the light of day and they don’t let anything stop them, even when they don’t have anything really to show for it, even when others are surpassing them. I apologize, Luna, I just saw something and to be honest my heart is sort of hurt; nothing against me but it still sucks, damn you “Ms. Seasons”.

“Blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine any brighter.” I have no idea

I knew I should have waited but curiosity right… okay I’m getting over it, anyway this just goes to show that I must be braver again, no fear, what has fear ever gotten me. Maybe like hate it gets a bad rap, you know what I say about hate and with fear I have lived by yet another motto “it’s better to be a live chicken than a dead duck” but on that note, I’ve had plenty of chicken and I’ve never had duck. Think about how most chickens live out their lives, now I’m no farmer but if anything I look at ducks somewhat better than I do chickens.

“Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” Conan the Barbarian (1982)

No fear my lady, everything but fear, the Marquis de Sade says lust leads to other passions, Yoda says it’s fear, you know this is going to take a long time for me to accept one or the other or even both. Today let’s say that Oprah and Yoda are right, we’ll get to lust soon enough but the question still remains, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

“A word of advice – don’t mistake stupidity for courage.” The Undertaker, The Cherokee Kid

“The Day” is coming up soon and I’ve often said… to myself, that everything I ever wanted was inappropriate, insane, or illegal so let’s pretend I’m not afraid, what’s next…

When I was making my new year’s resolutions, one was the fact I wanted a new woman in my bed every month or a girlfriend and I can’t say I have lived up to either of them. A part of me wants to say something to Ms. Seasons about the “mile-high club” but at the moment I’m still too angry, I gained the courage to talk to you again to start really writing because I was so upset. How about making a move on that girl today, “Senseless” nearly got me fired, I’m really going to have to start remembering all these nicknames for real.
As far as insane, I could always quit my day job and start writing full time but wouldn’t that be stupidity disguised as courage, I’m sure that’s what everyone would say. I could finally stand up to my father which borders on the illegal side of the line because if I were to do that…

Should I really tell you about anything I would do that is illegal, honestly Lady Lu it’s just you and me in this place isn’t it but okay, I could always have a woman… if I were willing to pay for her of course. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to kill someone, they say games like GTA make us killers, and stuff life Virgin Roster makes us so much worse but I’ve always been pretty law abiding… yeah, I’m laughing at that. The worst thing I could do, I have such fantasies but I’m not Ned Flanders, I’m not Christian Grey, and I’m definitely not Oprah ha.

What have I learned today, something I have always known, I’m afraid, I’m addicted to fear itself but now that I know it I will fight, In Oprah We Trust.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice.” After Earth