Log 334 ~Will The Track Star~

Didn’t I say don’t ask me about the Day Job? I asked the question, what would happen if I stood up? The answer, have a Panic Attack and run out the door. Is that what I’m calling it now, thank you WebMD because it beats cowardice. Will The Track Star

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Log 334 ~Will The Track Star~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how much is Usain Bolt making? I suppose I chose the right profession if I became the next J.K. Rowling snickers. How about E.L. James, Stephen King, Tillie Cole, or my latest “obsession” Eric Vall? Well, did I even write to Lady Sophia all that happened at the Day Job on Tuesday? Let’s see if I can DUMB it down. On Tuesday the 26th, I asked the General Manager what I should do? She told me to process Amazon Returns. Ten minutes later, I had a Panic Attack and left.

What did we say about checking WebMD? Hell, what did we decide on making excuses? The biggest question is, what am I going to do with my life? As the song goes, I can’t live my life this way. What, in fear, am I afraid? How come I’m scared so GODDAM ALWAYS! Pardon the language Lady Luna, but this isn’t like The Eve of a Cherry. Not like I kept track of all the F-Bombs in that. Speaking of which, it’s Cherry’s Birthday on the 28th. Only did I mention her in any conversations before this one. Happy Birthday, Cherry. There’s so much to keep track of, My Lady. That’s how I was feeling Tuesday. My emotions were shot to Hell besides my fear and my anger. It was like being back in school, and the two bullies have my cap throwing it between them. Yeah, so I like hoodies.

So how do I feel right now? Why don’t you tell me, Lady Luna, how one schedules a mental breakdown? Do I talk about today, being Wednesday? The rest of the week, or what should be Saturday? Now my stomach’s in knots, the week hopefully employed, Saturday angry. No wonder I’m so tired? During the day, I’m running, from my father, from the Day Job, and even my bed. Of course, I’m sitting here right now talking to you. You could say I’m living the dream, beautiful girl in my bed, conversation, a good song. Dreaming… I have to fill my head with everything from well all the above. Money, writers I’ve read, excuses, music, Jeff Daniels, birthdays, Bobby Hill, more. I track everything because, in my real life, we’re just Dancing In The Dark.

Or running my Lady Luna, wouldn’t you say. Tired, Scared of Will The Track Star.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 327 ~A Will Too Far~

Last week I said I’m no good without a nap, and this week, I’m still angry, horny, and please don’t ask me about the Day Job, yeah I torture myself enough with that, and if I ever stood up? A Will Too Far.

Saturday, May 23, 2020

Log 327 ~A Will Too Far~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and some people would say that’s way too much. There’s no such thing as too much money, which is why MY country is the way it is. Now I don’t want to get super political with you. It seems that my nap didn’t help, but does it ever? What I’m getting at is, I have such grand dreams (when I’m not sleeping). Considering what I want to do with MY life, I take heat for the smallest things. So since I won’t give you the speech to my boss, let’s go over a few other things.

Yes, I still hate being a liar, but let’s start with my Day Job. AHEM I did not survive this “poop” to be treated like I’m stupid. I might yell at the next huddle at the lot of them. Hell, if it hadn’t been for that one lady asking about my kid, I would say, I hate all of them. So what about my kid? I know he must be sick of his old man spending all his time writing. I still love him like pancakes, but here he is sleeping, knowing it counts as quality time. He loves his walks and wishes they were longer. I hear him often enough. Now that explains why I got the worst night’s sleep. I swear my bed at this point might as well be a trash heap. A fly was making the rounds all night buzzing. I thought there was a beehive above me. Wouldn’t that be awesome, and no “honey” to show for it, makes sense.

Now on women, today’s the first day of NO FAP, again. 1 day, 5 hr, 14 min, 30 sec to be precise. I saw Lisa Peachy right after napping, so I hopped out of bed. There are reasons I can’t do Brainbuddy or Covenant Eyes. My wheelhouse, my writing, their writing. Lady Luna too much information, am I right? Nobody knows me, though, and the ones that ask. Well, they stop talking to me. Even here, I put up a Spotify link, but as the song goes, I gotta enemies. It’s like I’m behind bars in one sense or another. I’m trying to keep the Beast in, keep the Boy out, and end up being a Bastard, pardon my French.

Freedom Lady Lu, now that is A Will Too Far.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

I and no good without my nap, but I have worse crimes, of course, and here I am plotting some sort of way out, or at least I hope so. How much is it going to cost me though $45 or more, hmm? The “Way Out” Will.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how? Now you know how I hate sounding like the President. There are plenty of ways I would like this period in history to end though I lack the “liberty” to share them. Besides, we should talk about me and How’s It Going To End?

Should we talk about Thursday, seeing as how it’s Wednesday now? You’re seeing this as Saturday, though. The wonders of Time-Travel. Chances are I ain’t no fortunate son. Yeah, still at the Day Job and next week; there’s no end looks like. When’s the last time I finished a video game? Far Cry 5, NOPE, Heavy Rain, negative, Call me a Legend, are you serious with my little virtual harem? I know Lady Luna, but what was I doing in the shower? I see all my secrets coming to light, losing the social life that I do have, or being oh so sorry. Again there might not be an end, only repeating everything over and over. I’m sorry if I sound down, but this is what happens when I don’t get my afternoon nap. You know I still hate waking up early, and for what?

If there is an end, I hope it’s not like my books, me breaking, or a bunch of lost bucks. The emptiness Lady Luna, that’s the only way I can describe it. It feels so good, but then there’s only okay, and what do I have to show for it. 50,000 words, a clear mind for a few hours, or making some pretty girl happy. That’s what I have been sitting here contemplating. $45 to become a Patron. I only now got the Day Job back, and today I want to spend money, quick escape.

No Lady Lu, I’m talking to you because as the song goes, I’m Gonna Be Somebody. Funny, I use the song from Police Academy, and how often do I break the law? Yeah, I’m not behind bars… been there done that when I was in juvenile detention. It’s not like Coronavirus (COVID-19) did a number on me. Other than a bunch of new rules, and yes, I’m still mad at Academy Sports + Outdoors. I don’t let go of anything, right? My way out is with Bucks, Babes, and let’s say Biology for now, hmm?

So how to obtain those things, The “Way Out” Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 307 ~Trust Fund Baby Will~

There was a time I believed $300 would fix all my problems, once I trusted myself to keep my mouth shut, I had faith in God, and for some reason, I knew good would win but those coffers have run dry. Trust Fund Baby Will

Sunday, May 3, 2020

Log 307 ~Trust Fund Baby Will~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and how I wish I could say I’m leaving it all to you. No, as always, I leave you only the opportunity to become someone better. You have one “edited” novel. Now you’re on @disneyplus and @netflix all because of some women, of course. Before I forget, Happy Birthday @TheAliceLittle. Also to Indiana Gone, though her birthday is Star Wars Day. You also have Cherry’s Birthday on the 28th. I hope you won’t go asking for pictures of her boobs for the month. Now I would never trust you, and you won’t believe me, which explains today.

You can’t be like the rest of them, you know, PEOPLE. Tell me you didn’t think we were going to talk about money when I mentioned “Trust Fund?” The Man In The Mirror, when will you trust him. How about your Dæmon, sleeping by your side. His every breath is an act of trust. Like yours with your Olds, I suppose. The lights are still on, there’s water, water everywhere, and you still have the car. I want to say trust is life, but how will being amongst the living treat you? The last time you were out, not so damn well. Yes, I’m still mad about Taco Bell. Hell, maybe you should rage at the politicians. The protesters that aren’t being shot because they’re WHITE. Or the Coronovirus COVID-19 plague that surrounds us. What to trust? Again these words of my Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Editing For Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”
    Completed

Number six, is that all my words account to? 50,000 words to a group that has no idea you exist, but for some reason, you’re with them. Yes, NaNoWriMo is good, but you couldn’t even trust yourself to get up when you said you would. Noted, you want to write, you want to learn. Have you noticed in your stories your character never dies ever? You can trust them to mean what they say, but what about the people they are supposed to trust. I would give away a big spoiler, but again we never know who’s reading. What if those people believe in you. Only more to the point believe in who they see in these words, and that’s never you? I mean the man that you want to be. So yet again here we go Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings Or Security Threats Ever
  6. I AM Finishing The Zombie Survival Guide

I trust you’ll do better, bet, Trust Fund Baby Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 261 ~Will Throws A Rager~

I could keep my head underwater for a bit longer, or I could go to sleep, even in my noise-filled Den the humming doesn’t stop me from sleeping, or I could have knocked myself out with my tablet. Will Throws A Rager

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Log 261 ~Will Throws A Rager~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money makes me happy. What about My Dæmon, solitude, and women, in all their many shapes and forms? My motivations talk about creating happiness but three things. One, everything that brings about that feeling, people say is wrong. It’s kind of hard to imagine those things when knowing with them, you’re “evil.” Two, I don’t even remember what it felt like Inspector Echo. I get wisps now and again sometimes, but I don’t know. Three, there’s rage like you would not believe, anger, hate, suffering.

Yes, Inspector Echo, Star Wars, but I’m drowning in this rage, and of course, it begins with FEAR. I am not one for grossness, but when I have to go to the Day Job, I get sick to my stomach. In my bag, I carry Sprite and plastic bags. Of course, I have the perfect word and excuse me, but shit. I’m sharing my feelings, but at least I ain’t crying, and yeah, you know what is going to nail me for that word. I could think of a few hundred reasons to scream at the moment, but I’m too hot. Not in a DECENT way. I’m talking about blood boiling and how far can I take that thought. Well, nowhere near a conclusion. Otherwise, I’ll be explaining myself like Hilary Swank in The Hunt. Remember what I learned from Cherry; when you believe no one is reading, they’re here.

Now I could go to bed. I fell asleep on the loveseat again reading The Gargoyle. Inspector Echo I think the world of the book, but that’s the thing about rage. It burns everything. It’s a desert; it’s a Hell. So what about an oasis? Once again, the best release is one I’m swearing off again. The money I do have, well, I don’t know where it’s going. Isn’t that a lie, like everything else it’s all about the ladies. A time of crisis and I deal in Babes, Biology, Bucks, and Bullets. If anything, I need to hit the store tomorrow and see if I can find supplies. My son is good at the moment, but what about me, Inspector Echo. I skipped dinner, and yes, I have food. I’m only full of such anger. It’s like my big sister tried to figure out.

An average day or The Apocalypse, Will Throws A Rager.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 133 ~Rage Can Kill, But Who~

I wrote a poem about RAGE once, but I think 28 Days Later, and the sequel said it so much the better than I ever could, but what I wouldn’t give for a beautiful apocalypse or how about the ability to utter NO. “Rage Can Kill, But Who?”

Monday, November 11, 2019

Log 133 ~Rage Can Kill, But Who~

Hundred And Tenth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and is this the way wrong rule for today? Hell, I’m tempted to say it’s the perfect rule for today, that, of course, disqualifies me from posting some places. Even at this moment in time, I’m mad as Hell, and I know I’m going to be exhausted in the morning. Not because I’m letting NaNoWriMo down, I kicked ass there (LANGUAGE). Would I do better to list all the things I’m not mad at tonight? My dæmon, how about my work ethic, and not you Madam Justice.

First and foremost, I hate my Day Job, with the heat from a thousand suns. You wonder why I’m not published yet because that work is burning all the pages. Do I talk about how the Truck can be overwhelming, or more to the point those damn people (LANGUAGE)? What about the shower this morning? The things I come up with, and it wasn’t like I was even remotely horny. No, I made a conscious decision. I swear that scene from a particular anime movie I won’t name. Yeah, people already think I’m a psycho or worse. Cherry might like it, though. Speaking of which, FEAR, Madam Justice. I can’t talk to specific people because of such terror. I didn’t say what needed to be said at work today. NaNoWriMo is being held up because of the FEAR of losing my position, and you know I need the money now.

I can quote Yoda, you know, fear, anger, hate, suffering, but who am I hurting? You see what time it is, but I’m still up because I’m a man of my word. Okay, so I’m a clown now too because I can’t that with a straight face. Can I tell you all the stuff I wanted to say to my boss; how many times would I have to call myself out on language. Don’t even get me started on other employees. I want the world to go away, but again I’m not crazy or suicidal. Well, if I keep having nights like this, I won’t have to worry about it. I’ll drop dead. So I can’t indulge in my self-help phase. I haven’t gotten to play Far Cry 5 or Fallout 4 any and what about the state of the real country, no politics today. It’s Veterans Day; I’m Grateful.

Rage Can Kill But Who?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

This song says “love is the answer” but that will be true when there’s no one left to hate and on the day to day I find only hatred and no I ain’t scared of no sheet, no confederate flag, or swastika, no my enemy is my own. Rage Against The Will

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason not to because I have said before like the “Lord Of War” you can’t fight your biology; to think last week it was a crime that scared me to death and this week it’s a crime of death, and I am not afraid. Maybe I should be but I can’t, and that’s my first sin, the fact that I want this more than anything, my blood to boil, to burn, and indeed want to breathe, believe in RAGE.

Rage
Everywhere
I feel it
Can’t help it
It burns
Through my heart
And my soul

Rage
Consumes me
Every look
Every smile
I want it done
Tears
Don’t fall

Rage
The pain
Insane
I must be
Death
Theirs or mine
Don’t care

Rage
Such a
Misery (the poem RAGE)

Like sex it’s a biological imperative and especially in America a more socially acceptable one, nearly once a week it overcomes someone for one reason or another so what is that for me, you want to know, do you honestly, because none of them do. Every work day I have people coming up to me asking how I’m doing but today there was nothing, maybe they could sense it, I know I still do, and like sex, I know neither, sin, satiation, or satisfaction. So why do I feel this way… some say laughter is one great medicine and no I won’t sit here and say don’t laugh, hell Inspector Echo it’s my best form of camouflage, I type out LOL a dozen times minimum, I might indeed mean it, I even call myself Le Marquis De Joker on occasion…

And I would call it a plague
how this fever infects
me, I sweat

summoning up the blood
which can never assuage
the disgust, the dirt, my name is mud.

Better though, tears for fears,
than this need to purge, to clear.
I lock the monster in its cage

the white walls of the page.
A mad world of ink,
kink, mystique, doublethink

Don’t rage, rage (the poem Vial Rage)

“Oh yeah! I love jokes! I love all kinds of jokes. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like people trying to kill me, hurting my family and my friends, and destroying the whole world as I know it. That just doesn’t sit well with me.” Toys (1992)

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

My second crime today is the fact that I have let this go on for too damn long, in the name of getting along, of professionalism, of attempting to be a decent human being, see I learned something today, these aren’t people I’m dealing with now. I swear I would make a great Neo-Nazi or KKK member because I was ready to scream… okay speaking of crimes, that might account for hate speech and nobody reads this anyway but again being reasonable. Lastly, when did this start, you know Inspector Echo I have no problem giving orders, but I am not an ignorant leader, and if there is one thing in this great big world I can’t stand it’s looking, feeling, and knowing, I’m STUPID.

Stupidity my greatest sin of all, so no Inspector Echo you don’t have to forgive me for my rage, no I’ll happily go to Hell for that, but I apologize for the time, for wanting these motherfucking moronic assholes to die (nothing racial there right) and for being so stupid, I Rage Against The Will.

“Dear Lord, Please forgive us for all the sins we have brought upon us. And look down upon us with forgiveness for the sins we will have in the future. I know you understand that niggas ain’t perfect, but we try lord. We try to keep our heads up in bad times. This is a bad time, show us the way. And if you can’t show us the way, then forgive us for being lost.” Sweet Pea, Baby Boy (2001)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 345 ~Dead Men Tell No Tales~

No, I haven’t gone pirate, and “Grammarly” doesn’t count this as plagiarism, hell if it were I would pity that person and the world in general because there would be another me and I’m still alive. Dead Men Tell No Tales

Monday, June 11, 2018

Lesson 345 ~Dead Men Tell No Tales~

Thirty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, I have gone back and forth on wanting an answer, not wanting an answer, looking for it and before the end, I guess I want to know, more like I need to know. What would some autopsy say about me, what about all the fans I dream about having, my dog knows so many secrets… and what does my blood understand about me that isn’t some party line of bullshit?

How many times do I have to tell myself to answer the question why am I a writer and here’s another one, because I don’t want any lies; sounds strange doesn’t it that a fiction writer doesn’t want to lie but fiction isn’t lying per se. If anything I assume that should scare people even more but through my novels well… no one will write real stories about who I am, and already there are plenty of files about what people think they know. It’s also a reason to stay alive; sometimes I think my dog is the only reason I stick around and besides wanting him to be happy, because God knows I would never pull a “Fry” you know Futurama, leaving him waiting.

You know how they say, and they all lived happily ever after but no one lives forever, and nobody ever talks about they died merrily; peacefully, gentle, surrounded by family and friends but not happily. Rage, Rage and you can stop right there with me because the light has already died and all that’s left is the fire if that makes any sense; I mean there’s no sun to see. A stupid new rule but “Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire” and seeing how you know some men want to watch the world… maybe I want to see how it will be reborn but then I have to do something that I still hate, that’s survival.

History’s written by the survivors, I’m sure that’s a rule, or it’s another new one, but I’m sure I might have debunked it at some point, which leads me to another idea; I want people debating me, but I pray for the courage to stand and defend myself. Is this rule displaying a lack of faith in my words, even today I feel it might be a text that ends me, but I won’t worry, I won’t agonize, I won’t play dead until morning because Dead Men Tell No Tales.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

Lie to me, you’re going to have to, I’ll hate us both, but this is the least I can do because you don’t know me, so you’ll make something up. And like the genie I am, I will make your wish come true and become what you want me to be. The Way You Lie.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, and that is probably the biggest lie I’ve told, no fear, how I have repeated it nearly two hundred and twenty-one times, a hope, a prayer, a lie, a big fucking lie.

When I was a child I became an atheist, a choice and yes this is a “sin” for another time, but because of my cowardice, I would tell people life was terrible, that life sucks, instead of acknowledging how I felt about the church. Sometime later my father confronted me, threatened me and asked what was I going to tell people, how did I feel, and I said “unwell,” and after another threat, I lied. Inspector Echo *sigh* I lied and not to those people, not to my father but to myself and that was the killing stroke, ask me why I hate God, and I could give you a million reasons but the fact that I can’t be me, why should I fear Hell?

“That’s what hell is. Forgetting what you were.” Malleus Maleficarum

Before you ask, I am well aware what an atheist is, not a hatred of God but a complete denial and maybe it’s this whole made in his image that has me asking today why do I hate myself, hell I got to keep my job, didn’t I? Questions upon questions, why did I get to keep my job, and I answer because I became that little boy again, I agreed to lie about who I am, how I feel, and everything because I hate these damn people, and why? Tell me why I choose to hate, because they allow themselves to wipe my existence off the earth and I let them because I hate myself infinitely more every day.

It’s probably the only reason I’m still alive, why I don’t fear to go to Hell… I know it, the fire, you see flames have names, guilt, lust, rage, but lying, that has to be the biggest one for me, I cannot stand a liar. If you knew everything I was lying about, more like omitting but Inspector Echo every day I lie here and show every secret I dare. I even told my manager and district manager, I’ll pretend of course if I get paid, I’ll lie to save my ass, I’ll use lies as weapons, but the truth is so much worse. You learn deceit as quickly as you embrace hate and that is my sin Inspector Echo, I made their lies real.

So forgive me Inspector Echo for accepting those lies, for making my life a lie, for covering their fear and hatred as something I deserve because if you knew me at all you know, I deserve Hell like so many others, and I’ve found it, it’s The Way You Lie.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 214 ~Not One Of Us~

At least Walkers or the standard zombies are asking for it, but as for me, I just want to get through my day the best way I know how but apparently that’s not normal and if I’m not one of them? “Not One Of Us,” I just can’t run away though.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Lesson 214 ~Not One Of Us~

Born in grief
Raised in hate
Helpless to defy his fate
Let him run
Let him live
But do not forget what we cannot forgive

And he is not one of us ― (Not One Of Us) from The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride (1998)

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, as a matter of fact, I’m not a lot of things. I’m not some victim of abuse, depending on how you define it, I am not a human being, again what classifies as human, and I am not going to live forever, have I at all? Speaking of my sins what am I, a coward, a hypocrite, unemployed, not yet anyway I haven’t sent in my account of things at work still.

If I haven’t said it before, how dare I, you know I’ve had my misgivings about the “#metoo” movement mainly because I’m ashamed of my actions towards women, and worse I compare my predicament with my boss to such maddening suffering. My entire life it’s, I’m not black enough, loud enough, and just not like them, so I continuously shift between being a monster and then not worth having a life at all honestly. Don’t worry Inspector Echo I’ll be alive for some time yet but as the song goes:

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had (Mad World)

So what is stopping me from telling someone other than you and maybe Indiana Gone; I can’t say that my goals were genuinely noble when I wanted to report my boss, and there is a fine line between justice and wrath but what happens if I don’t tell? I won’t lie, and if I don’t I’ll get fired but don’t I pretend all the time, at church if I weren’t a Christian my “father” would beat my ass and at work… no job, no life. I have to keep my job at all cost, but instead of spreading my legs or ass cheeks as the case may be, I’ll have to open my mind, to break my heart, to open my mouth to lie on myself, to open my eyes and watch that bastard laugh.

Again my oldest sin, this rage that I feel and at the same time, in an exact moment of “Doublethink” I will kowtow, I will worry, I will know fear because when has anything I’ve ever written helped me? The idea of being an ordinary human, at least in America, I’m a slave to my phone, I keep up the status quo, I lie like anyone else because while the truth will set you free… of the mortal coil, it means I’m not dead yet.

So can you forgive me, may I have absolution, monsters don’t deserve it, and the problem with people is they always are sorry, and I am tired of being sad just being me and as they all seem to think now Not One Of Us?

I Will Have No Fear