Tag: Grief

Saga 340 ~I’ll B Standing Virgil~

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“Stand By Your Man,” “I’m Still Standing.” Knowing “after you’ve done all you can. You just stand.” My playlist as I ask, “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” As I lie here thinking of my son and my troubles. I’ll B Standing Virgil

Tuesday, June 6, 2023

Saga 340 ~I’ll B Standing Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But if dollars could have saved Braxton… Or with all my sins? And with everything wrong.

That I love my firstborn son as much as you, our two-legged kids, Virgil? I’m iffy about myself. And I always will be. But at least I can stand facing the man in the mirror. Inevitable with me being a husband, father… Hell! Being a man. For you? Always trying. But again, 856 days in. It’s like whenever I have to talk to my Old Man, “It’s Time for War.” I wish I could look to Braxton and again ask, “Do you love me, brother? Will you protect me from any enemy?” Okay, or sit on the couch with him and watch Troy. To stand? That’s not something I’ve wanted to do for a while. But “a man provides” always. Though today’s another day and…

Well, I don’t want to get up, my love. Oh, getting it up is no question. Hell! Have you seen yourself in the mirror today? I look at everything that makes us money. My business. What leads me into trouble? What might have me on the stand someday in a court of law, my love? Um, besides the fact that I’m a black man. A reason to get out of this bed. Instead of binging on Youtube again. But if I am going to be here, we could be doing something more interesting. Oh yeah! Enjoying my existence, my life. Because if something were to happen to me. I always worried that it would be a criminal act that would take me away from Braxton.

Wasn’t it, though? I killed him. I know you can’t stand me saying that. He can’t, either. I know it. Is it any better to say (sigh)? I believe he can talk to me now. Speaking of a time for war. This morning I heard him sing “It’s My Turn To Fly.” Singing to Braxton. Can you stand my voice at all? Like how I stand Virgil being so close to me. I pushed him to the foot of the bed this morning. I would have done the same to Braxton if I had found you before he passed. I’m sure. Can you stand all my grieving? If you couldn’t, love… But you stand, sit, uh ooh sex me up. Someday. I’ll B Standing Virgil.

856 Days Without B III, Day 297 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 337 ~What’s Past B, Virgil~

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“What we’ve done, we’ve done.” “We evade it by moving forward with a code to never do it again.” TWD. I said I’d never be afraid again. I went to the Day Job. I’d never be a Dad again. 2V’s on the stairs. Boobs. Uh, am I awake? What’s Past B, Virgil?

Saturday, June 3, 2023

Saga 337 ~What’s Past B, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Should I give up being a trillionaire? As much as I should, seeing Braxton alive again.

I can’t! Not in this existence, at least. Or, as Tupac put it, “Bury me in pieces cause they fear reincarnation.” That’s what I need today (sigh). To see Braxton’s ashes. Uh, that’s a no. I’ve said before, Lady Lunalesca. Anytime I’m afraid, awkward, or just being asinine. I need only think of my “Lost Boy,” and everything pales compared to my worst crime. It’s like when I’m meditating, and they say, focus on your breath. Lunalesca, that’s B III. Braxton wasn’t here a few minutes ago… Please! Of course, he was. Lunalesca, I know. Hell! I could hear him grumbling as I rushed around like a chicken with its head cut off ha-ha. Fear is something I can never leave in the past, Lunalesca.

And you know I’m trying, but then as the song goes, “I take a look at my enormous penis and…” Hell! I might as well bust out Sade’s “Is It a Crime?” Lunalesca? Yeah. Yesterday it was the Day Job because, of course, it is. It’s like being a little boy or back in high school and busting my balls. Pretty much The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident and The Cherry Collision. That’s my STUPIDITY —confessions for Inspector Echo, Lunalesca. FEAR makes me STUPID. Strong, Speedy, Sexual… wait? We’re not talking about my first time, are we? Sick, Savage, but Salvation bound… screaming, oh my God. Okay, I’ll stop. That’s in the past. And instead of the first or last time, I had some “relations….” Yesterday?

There was my fear. And you know how I get over that. Effing! Or at least dreaming, imagining, envisioning, so I can’t forget about The Pic Phenomenon. That’s the past? Lunalesca, try this morning. How I miss my puppy. And what about Virgil, Lady Lu?

Anyway, there are all the pictures… porno. Because I can’t make a gallery for Braxton. And I only want to show that Virgil is alive daily. Lunalesca, Pornography? Something I can’t leave in the past… My feet are still planted in the veterinarian’s office. Lunalesca, my existence should be in the past, along with Braxton’s. But here I am. I’m panicking over a smartphone, spending money, and seeing plenty of Yabbos. It’s Saturday morning. The Past? What’s Past B, Virgil?

853 Days Without B III, Day 294 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 333 ~You Rib B, Virgil~

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I was raised having many a BBQ. But never invited. I was raised in the AME Church. I can appreciate a story here or there. But I didn’t want to go. And there was a time I even wanted to be a comedian. Not anymore. Just Kidding… You Rib B, Virgil

Tuesday, May 30, 2023

Saga 333 ~You Rib B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But it’s not so funny anymore. Whether it’s true or false. I ain’t laughing. I’m trying.

What? Not to laugh? And I ain’t gonna lie. It’s been 849 days without my firstborn. And I have laughed my ass off at times. Well, what ass I do have. And I do like my ass? But don’t get those ideas… Got enough troubles with things inside… Mind, memories, madness. Weirdly, my rage has full reign, sigh. And yet my heart is in a cage, my love. Hell, it’s in a box on the nightstand labeled Braxton. But no! I can tell you the day I retrieved it. Wednesday, February 10, 2021. The day I saw what had become of my boy. It wasn’t a joke. He wasn’t hiding in his house, huffing at the food I made, heading under the bed as usual.

I know you’re asking what brought this on. Well, you’re my rib, after all. Religion? (Laughing). I lost whatever remained of that when Braxton died. I killed him, I know. Baby girl, it could be the fact that I’m hungry. And I know there are ribs in the fridge. Ha. Though if you could cook like Tineke Younger… I’m kidding… Jokes that might hurt feelings. I was never one for that. But feelings, isn’t that why we’re here today? Hmm. Would you rather I sing “Had a bad day again. (He) said I would not understand.” Today has been a pretty bad one. And if I told you why, besides Braxton or boobs. Who can get mad at either, I ask you? I have… did.

And I don’t know what I should do about it. I’m no bully. But I haven’t been saying Virgil’s name often. I guide him, usually with a pat on the ribs. I don’t abuse animals! Or anyone else, for that matter. It feels like my heart is trying to beat out of my chest. The meditation I’ve been doing says, “Open your chest.” That is about all I remember for sure. A few days ago, it was with the victory I had over my ear. I didn’t need your help, love. Not with that. But I need you. That’s no joke. Neither is missing my boy more than ever before. The fear “All Of Me” might end up in a cage… You Rib B, Virgil

849 Days Without B III, Day 290 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 330 ~B A Second, Virgil~

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Second place, second-class, second rate… Um, give me a second to explain. Do I? What have I told Virgil? How many seconds have I saved, spent, and squandered? Even when I go out to make sure there’s food. Well, V can expect seconds B A Second, Virgil

Saturday, May 27, 2023

Saga 330 ~B A Second, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means I have all the time in the world. I want it all, Lady Lunalesca.

Well, in more ways than one. I mean, I can always go to my GOP ideology… I want it all. But what about the Dems and/or Liberals? Biden’s not my first, second, or third choice. Why am I so political this morning, Lady Lunalesca? The first choice hurts too much. Braxton? He’s always looking out for me, even now. Of course, you know what my second choice was after Braxton. Should V consider himself lucky nowadays? Um, to be honest… He and Braxton… AHEM “Poor Unfortunate Souls.” Because to be the center of my attention? I swear, anything that is my first choice. “You Always Hurt The One You Love.” Braxton, Boobies, the boy? I wake up failing Braxton; been looking at boobs. Virgil’s here.

Then again, he might be second, Lunalesca. I found another fur baby before a female. Lunalesca, I don’t mean to sound like some Incel. I read something about calling women females. Everyone needs a second for everything we dictate, do, um, diddle. It seems. Ha! Not that I’m thinking about those last two incidents. I’m still imagining “The Pic Phenomenon.” Man will always choose darkness over any light. Artistic quality. Lunalesca, there is plenty of light even in the dark. But Braxton was/is my light. Lunalesca, I’ve always hated those types that have to be affected by something to see reason. Like a man having a woman to see other women as such. Second-class, never! How about putting “God’s words” above one little voice? Hmm!

Whether you’re Bangin’ on a Trash Can or trying to Think Big. Doug, Lady Lunalesca. Hell! I always have a second for some dumb pop culture reference. That’s another thing. Why must everything be second to someone else? My reasons to become a billionaire, Lu. Because only then will I have the right to be first; I feel To live instead of exist. As always, I feel like that little boy playing Mario Kart with the neighbor kid, demanding second. Now I don’t mean the food. I mean the place. Because if I were ever to get first in racing… Braxton and I were boobs. We were a beautiful pair. Damn, near perfect! Equal. Loved. Need a second? Braxton, you, Virgil. B A Second, Virgil.

846 Days Without B III, Day 287 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 326 ~Trust Me V… Braxton~

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Have I ever been cheated on… uh? Have I ever cheated? Flirted. The only thing that has cheated someone out of all of me? The goodest boy, my grief, giving people a reason not to trust me. Am I Aladdin, Jesus, or the government? “Trust Me V… Braxton.”

Tuesday, May 23, 2023

Saga 326 ~Trust Me V… Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now but what about the other stuff? Mind, body, and soul… This should be a given, hmm?

As a friend, father, effing buddy for life… Isn’t that called being a husband? Family? Braxton’s my only reliable reference. And he won’t be saying much out loud, my love. What about Virgil? He’s been here 283 days. I know where his problem lies. TRUST. Virgil is right? Since “The Pic Phenomenon,” I can’t say I trust myself. Did I ever? If it ain’t music, it’s movies, so allow me my Nic Cage as Cameron Poe moment… “There’s only two men I trust. One of them’s me. The other’s not you.” The other guy… B III. Braxton knows everything about me. Well, now he does, wherever he is now. I’m sorry. Love, I trust you now. Again, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.”

You would have figured I’d learn my lesson. My son couldn’t trust me to save his life, love. I effing tried! And here come the waterworks. He trusted me, and I failed my boy. Every single day I fail myself. I wake up, hit the alarm, and WHAM! One more day failed, and so to all the rest… “You cannot hurt me,” I want to scream! Of course, anyone can; trust. And who am I in the grand scheme of things? How badly I want anonymity. This is the very thing I took. Though I meant no animosity. But for this anomaly in my moral code. Desire is desire. But would I break our trust for it? I did his, theirs, and as always mine.

How dare I ask you to trust me again, and with what? That “Whenever you call me, I’ll be there.” When I’m not thinking about Thursday, May 18, 2023? Let’s say Sunday, August 13, 2023. Virgil’s “Gotcha Day.” How many days I’ve believed my last? Happiness? Do you trust me to find my happiness? The love? I haven’t had that since a birthday I had. And I was pretty young. “What the Hell is going on?” I’m sure people will ask, “With all these things that I’ve done.” Did I feel good doing them? Yes. Am I guilty, my love? Yes. Gross? Sure. Being a “man.” But for you, our younglings… Yo Braxton, you there? And even Virgil and them. Trying! Trust Me V… Braxton

842 Days Without B III, Day 283 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 323 ~Virgil’s Business Bugs B~

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“Well, you can tell by the way I roll, shorty, that I’m a ladies’ man. A businessman.” While B III was here. Trying to win the maid or spending money on his favorite girl. And now existing… more like slavery. How dare I? Virgil’s Business Bugs B

Saturday, May 20, 2023

Saga 323 ~Virgil’s Business Bugs B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But I don’t know what for. I got wealthy Olds? Nah! No boobs, books, or bureaucracy.

What? Do I need to be any more depressed at the end of the week? I was annoyed; what was it? Monday, Tuesday, or both? When I couldn’t “watch” wrestling. Oh! I was all “jerk to divas” (Twitter), no doubt Lady Lunalesca. But actual television. Effing nightmares. Lunalesca, it’s been all porn. And seeing how I’ve had to restart my… celibacy, abstinence… Should we call it sobriety? It’s been three days and counting. SHE’S not helping. Case No. 7906243 – What’s Under The Jacket? with Lulu Chu | Shoplyfter. What about My Dirty Maid Destiny Slams Her Cuban Big Ass On My Cock? There’s Ashley Graham. If you’re wondering what got me out of bed… More like it woke me up. Depression at missing Braxton?

You must be sick to death of hearing about him, Lady Lunalesca. The highlight of my week. A few precious minutes of meditation. Thinking of something to be grateful for, always being Braxton’s Dad. Next came sleep. And then there’s writing which explains the conversation we’re having right now. And why my underwear isn’t at my ankles this very second? Because this is my business. Lady Lunalesca, business, existing… Effing. Don’t I wish? Do you know how many pornstars there are when looking up Shoplyfter? And here Virgil has left me all by my lonesome. More like I put him in B’s room for now. Ain’t like he’s coming to look for me. He wants to live long enough to figure out what he’s doing.

Because it ain’t taking B’s place. Not that he ever could. To keep existing Lunalesca? Please! You can relax. I haven’t taken a painkiller today. And the last time I touched a gun… Well, it sort of spoiled my meditating mood. I was hearing things. It was something creaking. How about something I have to pay for? Again not the crux of my sadness, Lu. But we’ve talked about my big three pornos. And then my three elements of gratitude. With depression comes my boy, blogging, and an effing ton of bucks needed. Uh, food? Hell! If my “father” were here, I wouldn’t mind starving. B, I wouldn’t mind “living.” Because he was a “good dog,” and what’s best for business. Virgil’s Business Bugs B

839 Days Without B III, Day 280 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 319 ~Braxton’s Mom Before Virgil’s~

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I wasn’t a good man when Braxton was here. But I was far better than now. Listening to audiobooks. Todd discusses the difference between an orgy and a gangbang. Surprised I don’t have a wife yet. I Wish B had met her. “Braxton’s Mom Before Virgil’s.”

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

Saga 319 ~Braxton’s Mom Before Virgil’s~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now but before… Well, I was a different “man.” I’d even say less of one. Being honest

And not fair at all. If anything, I don’t want to go sounding like the GOP. But I have always been one for the Nuclear family unit. Two parents and 2.5 kids. Half? Please, Braxton! Yeah, if you don’t know by now and you do. You being you. I had to find a woman that got me. Anyway, Braxton was/is my whole world. Only this world got a lot bigger. Today marks 835 days without my firstborn son. My Braxton. How I wish you could have met him. Would it be easier? Me being a single father. Hell! Should I even say it like that? And today of all days? I’m time traveling. So it’s Sunday, May 14, 2023. How about it’s Mother’s Day? Hmm?

I wish I could say I’ve been busier. You are the mother of all our beautiful children. I did say 2.5. Right? With all the money we have… I want a lot. Fatherhood and manhood. And speaking of things I should stop thinking… My GOP ideology. But I have money. Or is it my father’s? Money equals love. Has he ever felt that? Unconditional love… I wished my Ma a Happy Mother’s Day, and she would beat my ass thinking of my Old Man as such. Only I look at what I’m asking of you. Well, that I’m hoping you’ll feel. Braxton. A love for the furry son you’ve never met, and here I have Virgil Vivi amongst all our two-legged children. “What is Love?”

I shouldn’t have to ask that, and I don’t. At least not when it comes to me pouring the Bisquick and you making pancakes. I do mean the kids that we made together. “My Love.” But why do you think I call B pancake? He couldn’t haven’t been more mine. Braxton, He’s My Son. He will always be. I sing, “Nothing’s gonna change my world.” But the “man” I am, and the woman I hold you to be… To love Braxton as I do. Virgil? I don’t have favorites when it comes to our children. Friend, favorite parent, a father. Love my Braxton. Love our kids, love me, and love Virgil. Could you love the man I was, where you were Braxton’s Mom Before Virgil’s?

835 Days Without B III, Day 276 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 316 ~B Said Mama, V~

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The first girl that won B over I’d choose. The first two were related to us. The third, he was leading to the bedroom. “What, Daddy, what’s wrong with her?” Never got to a fourth. Hasn’t been a woman in this house since he’s been gone. B Said Mama, V

Saturday, May 13, 2023

Saga 316 ~B Said Mama, V~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. As you know, Lady Lunalesca, we Billionaires are the biggest crybabies. I already started for Braxton…

Well, at least he’s part of why I’m crying now. Hell! He didn’t see me cry the day we met. I have to ease up on meditation. Last night, during the session, I was told to think of something that made me feel good. I’m sad to admit that B was nowhere to be found. What I thought about was being in bed sleeping. It could be worse, Lady Lunalesca. Already as the song goes, “Pretend that we’re dead.” I was that before Braxton. After… But anyway, the night I first met him, I couldn’t cry. He was this little “ball of fluff” I always wanted, even if I forgot. And there he was, being hugged by his new mom. I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…

If that. A brother or the other human that he had. Because the question became, “Where is your mother?” Braxton’s mom was everywhere. Now I didn’t mean that the way it sounded… Don’t my nephews have two different daddies? Shut-up! So B III’s mom, ha. What about my Ma? I haven’t seen her since Granddaddy’s funeral on Monday, January 30, 2023. Lunalesca, I’m sure I’ve talked to her after that. I’m a “man” who wants a family but can’t provide for one, that’s for damn sure. I have $5,000 in my name. Feeling lucky, hmm? And again, manhood and fatherhood. Nope! I texted her about the garbage bill. I think. But as far as getting a hug from her. I smelled worse than the corpse.

That was so not cool, I know. I still think about what I said to M Anime’s racial slur. Yep. You know Lady Lunalesca, I want to do much more than hug her; when it came to Braxton and his Aunt Carolina’s yabbos. Hell! He would have called her Ma as he led her to the bedroom. I do miss her “platonic” hugs. And I always said I would find him a hug. One more promise that I didn’t keep. Write a damn tab. No, I’m not mad, Luna. Looking at the date, and I’m cold. I don’t get enough hugs. My voice is like ice, to be sure. And something’s hard like ice. Finding a mom for Braxton… and Virgil. B Said Mama, V

832 Days Without B III, Day 273 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 312 ~Braxton Would Cheat, Virgil~

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Braxton couldn’t cheat death; none of us can. On people, pay, and pleasures. I’ve never been one for Love and Happiness. But I am Hopelessly Devoted to You… if your name is grief or a specific pleasure. Cheater? Braxton Would Cheat, Virgil.

Tuesday, May 9, 2023

Saga 312 ~Braxton Would Cheat, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But I wouldn’t even need that to be my old man. He cheated on my Ma.

Yeah, this ain’t the week for this. Right? And this was a long time ago. I have a half-brother I’ve never met, around college age. No love there. Love and time, isn’t that right, love? Other than being a provider, I don’t want to be anything like my “father.” Never. Cheating, though? I was thinking about that Sunday, May 7, 2023. Not like that… Please! I have many views on such, but I’m not talking about love. Love. No, the other love. My B III. How often have I said Virgil’s name today compared to B’s? Uh, Good Morning. Hell! Even before you, there was Braxton. Then us… And with Virgil Vivi, there was, “V, you need a bath? I’ll take you to get one.”

It’s all that walking in the yard. At some point, it’s going to get mowed. Such a little thing, a husband mowing the lawn. I was raised on TRADITION! Fiddler on the Roof, I’m sorry. Not for the singing. Nope! That’s always been me. Pop Culture Whore… We’ll get there. I mean for cheating on life, not you, my wife but life with death. Oh, I’m in love with it. The only reason to wake up is that I move a bit closer to it. Step by Step… more music? Yeah. Ma was a big fan of The Preacher’s Wife and Whitney Houston. I remember. Anyway, I have to get her something for Mother’s Day. And you as well. A mom to such beautiful children.

I’ll forever be grateful that they take after you and not me. Do I feel cheated? Not at all, love. Now, Braxton, I swear I think he was in love with Aunt Carolina. Those boobies? Someday, I won’t be so juvenile when it comes to those. Oh, like one day I won’t think about B? That’s like telling me not to think about sex ever. Ask Cherry about that, ha-ha. It’s like me wanting to have a threesome or thoughts of us becoming “Swingers,” right? I mean, not now. And I’m not a cheat. Not with you, and again there’s B, but here is V. Like the song, Is This Love? Could You Be Loved? Braxton’s big heart. Mine’s broken. Death. Braxton Would Cheat, Virgil

828 Days Without B III, Day 269 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 309 ~Braxton, The Charge, Virgil~

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I never wanted to be a president or king. There was a time I wanted to be Dennis Hof, minus the GOP. But as Malcolm X put it, “I have to stand here today as what I was when I was born: a black man. Trite, considering. Braxton, The Charge, Virgil

Saturday, May 6, 2023

Saga 309 ~Braxton, The Charge, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can be guilty as sin but with enough paper… meaning green, not white.

I could use both; to be honest, I could use both. Seeing as how I haven’t been feeling well this week. I need to see a doctor. But considering the last few attempts. I get what I effing deserve! Lunalesca, who am I, the Joker? I’ve said it a few times. The comedian is dead. And yet my entire existence… So I won’t hold my breath on Trump ever facing punishment. And King Charles III Coronation is going on today. They say, heavy the head that wears the crown. Hell! Unlike Trump, I have a conscience. And the crowns I have been seeing, uh? Better not to say. But my head hurts, amongst other things? Braxton is dead. I yelled at a friend. The Day Job sucks. So, I’m guilty.

What did I do wrong? Lunalesca, I could name any number of things. Waking up. Honestly, one of the Revenge of the Nerds movies says it better… you were born. That’s enough. I’m sorry I’m so down this morning. If only I got up late again today. But my punishment or mistake? I don’t even know (sigh). The fact is I want to sleep, Lunalesca. But there is my charge. Virgil Vivi Bradford. He’s been getting worse… more scared, Lu. Like father, like son? But he’s not my son. Lunalesca, Virgil will never be Braxton. Lunalesca, am I the bad guy, an effing asshole, or have I forgotten. Virgil leads Dante through Hell. Dante never speaks Virgil’s name, though. Is It A Crime? Everything is.

Yet I look into the mirror; “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.” Again you can talk to Carolina about that. I mentioned her birthday. $50.00 and naked pictures. Lunalesca? There was a time I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Am I guilty of another betrayal? How treacherous am I? That honor belongs to Braxton. And to end such beauty. I’m repeating myself because, again, what happened yesterday. I’m woke. Standing up for what’s right for people. “Chinky” is not a nice word. Fetishizing Asians? I’ve been doing that with one woman in particular. Effing Instagram. But then B’s Aunt. Her getting laid because of me? Talk about some atonement. But all my sins… charges? Life. Braxton, The Charge, Virgil

825 Days Without B III, Day 266 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will