Episode 085 ~Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust~

Too many sad friends to give into my misery, and trying to start this new week out of bed if I’m lucky but waiting to go to work and then after, my dose of the rage virus it seems, Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Episode 085 ~Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust~

Fifty-First Rule Madam Justice

How to make One Million Dollars, I wish those ideas came as fast as things I’m mad at or how quickly I get hard, though I didn’t wake up with Morning Wood, no I woke up angry that every other part of me had to get up. I read somewhere that couples shouldn’t go to bed angry, and most nights I’m not sure how I feel, though I usually tell myself stories, I go over games in my head, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time maybe Detroit: Become Human.

Back when I had a full-time school schedule, though I remember a pretty girl here, or there it is the rage I embraced the most, and now, hell I can be angry that I don’t have time for gaming, the money for it, that I don’t have a pretty girl like North, Kara, or Chloe. I’m mad that already I feel sick and what did I do wrong, I woke up right when I wanted to, ate breakfast, I’m even talking to you this morning so why should I be in pain. How about the fact that I can’t have hope, no I’m afraid which only means I need more anger to fuel me because when I get to the day job, what happens then?

Wouldn’t indifference be worse, I either want your head on a stick or your head on a… yeah it’s easier to talk about hate as always, people more often than not prefer my misery and they want it with me smiling. Me and my dumbass smile, THIS I CANNOT DO (anymore) I mean, so either I’m a pervert, a psycho, but never a person and strangely enough that makes me mad because do I honestly want to be like any person I know nowadays. Everyone I like is suffering, the man I am, I still hate, which goes perfectly with hating the majority of human beings so yes indeed I enjoy looking at beautiful things.

The Beautiful People, maybe that’s why I want anger because I want to feel something other than anything to be ashamed of right; being mad makes me damn well normal but pictures of bodies one way or another gets you kicked off Pinterest but not today. For now, I’m angry that this day isn’t going as planned but I am in more control dear Madam Justice, surprisingly this rage and Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 346 ~Everyone Says Hi Will~

Why do I wake up in the morning, dog/kid has to eat and however do I expect to find him a mom and me a wifey not that I’m looking currently, what was I looking up all day today? Everyone Says Hi Will of course music for more playlists right

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Lesson 346 ~Everyone Says Hi Will~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, I suppose after your first cup of coffee or however it is you get up in the morning, and I should know, “I Wanna Know,” I need to know considering you wake up beside me every morning. Seeing you beside me lets me know that it’s a good life no matter what the day may bring, whether it’s my name on your lips, the cries of daddy from the children or the snort of my upset dog, it’s way too early sometimes.

How about for you my Sleeping Beauty, my Cinderella, would you like a kiss or would you prefer to dream, I wonder what I imagine right now because no dream girl could ever compare to you. Maybe I could use a few minutes more, but if there is one thing I could give more of its time and why ever would I want you to leave my side and if I get to admire the view it’s a win-win. What resides under our roof are the words and barks that matter and even the silence of my family, not the cold quiet of the family I grew up in but the family that we’ve created because Everyone Says Hi Will.

To think that word demands so much from me and yet when you wake up beside me all I wish to do is give; with only a kiss I feel like I can take on the world, you drown out all of my fears. A touch of your hand and “Baby, I’m Yours,” all Juliet wanted was Romeo to stay with her, and I’m sure “Mama Said” there’ll be days like this, days where all I’ll ask is for you to “Stay With Me,” or “Stay” a little bit longer. Yeah you know I like to wake up to music; if anything one of my favorite things to do is to wake up on Saturdays, and the two of us listen to some 40’s-50’s nuclear pop, my “Atom Bomb Baby.”

I don’t miss those Saturdays when my “father” would wake me up for haircuts and how I appreciate the dog protecting the kids from the big bad school day, as you protect me from the mean, cruel world, so what do you look forward to when you wake up? Seeing me, I expect miracles when you open your eyes, and you never disappoint, I love you means so much more when Everyone Says Hi Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 339 ~I Choose You Waifu~

A thousand choices shout praises I read once but does it matter when all those choices are wrong or you don’t know anything about them, like Detroit: Become Human I almost forgot to mention it today. I Choose You Waifu, over my new favorite obsession

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Lesson 339 ~I Choose You Waifu~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, could you love me before, out of the billions in the world and how many choices leading to the right answer of you and me, us and them, the whole world? Where does one even begin, to tell you the truth I’d given up. I could make you an angel because I’d gone through Hell, a princess, a queen, my belle because I was a dragon, a beast. A storybook heroine and I became a writer so I could hold a woman like you in my arms somehow, someway I chose you.

“But I’ve already chosen. But this woman must also choose me.” Jake Sully, Avatar (2009)

Perhaps this is what I’ve never understood, the reason I need to hear it every day, I want you, I need you, I love you, I choose you, More Than Words, because for so long I didn’t know you were real, hell I didn’t want you to be. I figured I’d screw up, maybe I already had, and no I’m not looking for some overblown story like HIMYM in fact if you liked that show’s ending who knows where we would be. Speaking of fandoms I wasn’t looking to hate or to love, but more for all that I could never have and the man I could never hope to be, theirs, yours my love?

“If you weren’t real, I would make you up now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true” ― Honey And The Moon

Instead, I saw you in every book I read, scary when you think it’s a mess of YA love stories, Dark Erotica, Dystopian Romance, and apocalypse survivors, if I were the only boy in the world and you were the only girl, would make you choosing me simpler. My Pinterest *sigh* I think I finally realize reminded me of math tests, I write the problem over and over, and when I found you when I chose to be with you, I finally needed an answer. “Unthinkable” isn’t it… that you were in every song, I chose to play about love for you to “Stay With Me,” about the “Power” to be the man for you. To be only a man because I’m only “Human,” and I thought that would be “Easy Street” but “We Are People.”

Hold On, everything will be alright when I thought about the two of us together, I may have had no clue who to choose when I was voting today (anybody who might support Trump didn’t get it) but with you, well… “I know I got to be right now ’cause I can’t get much wronger.” So you’re my choice, and every day I will choose you; I Choose You Waifu.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 332 ~Bend The Knee Will~

Still struggling with my phone, all the girls text me nowadays, and that beats all the news that you can’t avoid these days and there wouldn’t be if people were allowed to take a knee, kneel to whoever or agree to love one another. Bend The Knee Will

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Lesson 332 ~Bend The Knee Will~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, you know how I feel about God, but here I am wondering “How Do You Talk To An Angel” without my phone that is, hell more “like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite” right? We fall in love, we can’t help ourselves because sometimes love is sick, it can be Heavy In Your Arms, and perhaps you’ll kick it under the couch, yeah aren’t we all fond of our phones my love.

There is nothing wrong with a man kneeling when he plays with his children, to think my “father” always spoke about my hair as a mess because I would be on the floor playing, that man knows nothing about affection. What about my first born, my little four- legged son is so short but I’m always talking to him, letting him climb in my lap, feeding him, and he’s not getting any younger. Neither am I; you can hear the crick in my knees, a man takes care of his family, and that doesn’t mean only financial obligations baby girl.

Then again I want that phone back, boys and their toys right, but there is a time to stand and didn’t I, right beside you, and ever since then, by your side, back to back, again I’m not one for God, but you’re my rib.

I have a spine to say I will kneel with those players who are protesting the injustices of this country and I will stand against those who wish nothing more than to destroy the ideals of our home; another thing to love about you and why I love us. This love I have for you, for all our children, for the place that we call home; if they don’t let people kneel quietly in protest we may be in for a world of trouble indeed.

There is many a reason to kneel, and you might have been the greatest one of all, the Greatest Love Of All, The Sweetest Taboo, and look who found their phone, and you’re mad but “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg.”

So “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong” or maybe I should be running, I have to stay in shape a bit, but we’re still not becoming some football watching family despite how I support their reason to protest. Now the kids are calling for their rendition of “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” so guess I’ll “Bend The Knee Will.”

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 325 ~Takes Two To Tango~

What if I were to put my phone down, there are some things you can only learn from practical experience, and you don’t want any distractions… love is the most important, but it’s a great big world outside. Takes Two To Tango I know that’s right.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Lesson 325 ~Takes Two To Tango~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, when you find out my movie knowledge isn’t unlimited, and even my playlists won’t last forever but speaking of forever what else is there to do with this thing called love? Maybe I got lucky… us meeting when we did and while I wouldn’t mind the kids living Cobra Kai besides watching it on YouTube Red *sigh*, I suppose I’d be learning right along with them maybe.

I might be a bit freaked out if they turned into sports enthusiasts, except for as I said Martial Arts, Running, and the Olympics. Of course, I want to see the world with you, and taking a class together, do they still pass notes, and we can always go for a run “Silver Linings Playbook” style. I never learned how to ride a bike and… hmm interesting that while I’m trying to think of things that make me put my phone down I get why we’re usually on our behinds. A dance class maybe, while I did learn for our wedding, “Dirty Dancing” was a bit cliché that’s why we performed that number from Ellie Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do” was that before or after our lightsaber duel and zombie skit, such are weddings.

If we’re going out to eat why not Dave & Buster´s, now honestly you were always more than a gamer girl to me, or a “Dancing Queen,” yeah besides 40’s and 50’s Nuclear Pop, and maybe a Lambada class, I am a teeny weeny into disco. No wonder Facebook considers me a moderate, we could always go to a shooting range too, and it would probably help to have you around, a black man near a gun these days and here I am with an angel. Yeah, I suppose my comedy could do with some work but no comedy shows; let’s go to a museum, walk through a bookstore, some scientific inquiry.

Plenty of stuff I enjoyed alone and with you… the world seems broader and then again smaller, it’s like when I introduce you to something I have loved for so long, and I get to see it through your eyes, and it can be so big and beautiful all over again. I get to see you as a friend, lover, wife, mother, and maybe that’s what scares me, the love I feel the love you feel for me I need it to spread so I can live and when we can share a love of something… or I could only love your butt; Sir Mix-a-Lot fan I’m afraid.

It all starts with me asking you to dance though and when did we first do that my love, they say, Takes Two To Tango.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 318 ~Can Pencil You In~

Homework I could see myself getting into, I can’t remember anything of Algebra which means any future kids of mine will either be super smart with their mother or might need a tutor but anyone learning to love… “Can Pencil You In”

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Lesson 318 ~Can Pencil You In~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, even if I don’t know the right answer, understand the question or I tend never to give up, I suppose you might also call it a bad habit? In school my favorite subject was history, and now here we are making history as there’s never been a love like this, don’t I think highly of myself, of us, nothing people will ever write a book about but don’t I try plenty though.

Not in a foreign language though, I failed French, wanted to learn Japanese, and while we both hate Trump I can’t say I’m a fan of Spanish, Mexican people are great and maybe I figured I would have to travel the world to find you. It also explains why I didn’t do so well in Geography either; so lost without my phone, my music, and of course Lost Without You. I thought I never would which leads me to Reading. I lost myself in books, where I imagined that you and I were together, but I was never the right guy, from Young Adult Novels to Dark Erotica as you can tell from the library, and I was so busy avoiding everything else, just saying.

I created stories, wrote poems, even a song here or there inspiring me in what you would indeed be like and for a man that didn’t do well in languages, English wasn’t my strong point either. Honestly, you were more like Math but then explain to me why I love you so and I hated numbers; I would write the problem, again and again, thinking, maybe one day I would get it and “then there she was” there you were. For all the things I was supposed to be learning, and all the teachers I’ve had in the end and I honestly did have some memorable teachers but it was man’s best friend my first born four legs and all, and you my beautiful wife, who taught me the best.

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

We Found Love in a hopeless place” okay maybe life isn’t but I sure was a hopeless romantic, and with all the things I’ve “learned.” How to truly love another person, how to be the better man, the man I wanted to be, the man I have to be, I must be a genius. I still don’t think it was God, but somehow, someway I found a tutor for this thing called life. If living without you was Math, then living with you it’s like learning how to write finally, to once and for all answering one plus one or two plus two, thank you, Winston Smith and Captain Picard.

Yeah, I’ve learned plenty being a fanboy but being a husband, a lover, a father, well “I Want To Know What Love Is” so as you “Close Your Eyes And Wander” in dreams my love, tomorrow morning and forever maybe I Can Pencil You In.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 315 ~Open Your Eyes Cyclops~

I still have years left to work if everything does its part, and today it was my eyes, to think that I might be suffering from a lack of sleep or maybe I’m just getting old; could I be developing mutant powers? “Open Your Eyes Cyclops”

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Lesson 315 ~Open Your Eyes Cyclops~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, because I don’t know, I haven’t looked in the mirror since Thursday really; being I’m my own worst critic, but I don’t have body issues, for the most part. Let me say that Thursday was eye-opening in a way, which is the concept for today’s lesson, despite everything; sight is not something to be taken for granted as we live in a beautiful world but “Don’t Panic” I will behave Lady Luna.

Honestly, I have no choice in that regard, well I do, but that’s just it right, I’ve said men would do anything when it comes to women that they’ll never see naked. To be honest, I’ve seen her naked just not in the flesh, but it did help with the manscaping and not. No more dreams, good ones anyway because other than last night I haven’t been sleeping much, my head was pounding and my eyes; not much scares me physically but blindness, I couldn’t do. My son is doing better on sleep, but just this morning he was looking for me and passed right by twice, I’ve said before I will be his seeing eye man if he needs me, and with taking care of him, there is so much to see my friend.

Now I know I usually see through one eye in particular, like “Okay” asking me what is it with me and brunettes. Honestly, I still don’t know; when I was a kid it was Asian girls for example “Tram-Anh Tran” a.k.a. Tina Nguyen on Ghostwriter. During middle school and through high school, it was mostly Caucasians with an African-American woman squeaking by every now and again. For a month or so I was all Wakanda Forever… does that make me racist now that I’m back to brunettes and yet there is so much beauty in the world, though women are best you have to admit?

My favorite “Colors” are black and red but just looking at my lost little boy today as he walked by, well I already like brunettes, so tan, beige, brown is just a given, between his beige fur and brown eyed girls. Maybe today I just wanted to appreciate my “Hungry Eyes,” and it beats being angry all the time “The Red” that usually takes over, so I should just enjoy today, but yeah I’m staring into a world of “Black Or White,” both with writing.

Black and white, will lead to green and gold, which will lead to red, and then “Back In Black,” and why not go and enjoy “Mr. Blue Sky,” today or tomorrow, Open Your Eyes

“There’s a saying — the pessimist looks down and hits his head.
The optimist looks up and loses his footing.
The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” ― The Walking Dead, The Well

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 311 ~Want It That Way~

How many ways can someone say those “three little words,” and in how many different ways, so many others seem so much better at it, and when it comes from me, it’s me saying it but can I be more? Want It That Way, if I could?

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Lesson 311 ~Want It That Way~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, as if you ever stopped or would, and “I Swear” and not “By the moon and the stars in the skies” or shall I quote the bard:

“O, swear not by the moon, the’ inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circle orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.” William Shakespeare

My love threatens to consume me, to hold me to this place that is by your side and yet grows to everlasting and so I’m always searching, reaching, and chasing after you, “Hanging By A Moment” okay, and now I will put down my phone.

To think I would have you love the world before me or if I loved myself the way you love me, I’ve become a broken record, a remix, it might be downright theft, but it only reminds me of the day we first met. The man I was before then became lost to better words, ideas, images, not that I could ever lie to you, no I wanted the distance, not that I feared you either, so was it the chase? Here I thought I was the one to do that and maybe that’s why only now I’m starting to catch up because I wasn’t running towards you, I was running away, waiting until I was sure; takes a lot.

“I just, I know we don’t know each other all that well or anything.
But circumstances are making it, so we’re all getting kind of close in here.
You know? So don’t let me run, OK?”

“OK” ― Containment 1×04

Seems dumb I know so far into marriage, how long has it been, how many kids, my dog getting old in the tooth but what am I not sure of after all this time. What reason do I have to doubt the woman who has stood beside me, shares my bed, and who has given love meaning? How can I challenge the man I am today that’s somehow managed to accomplish this, to live “The Impossible Dream” to be more than an “Escape” … see I’m still copying what am I trying to say in my words, my dearest love?

I love you… I can say that forever, and a day only I always want more, if I were a man of faith, I would say I’m reaching out to God to thank him for you, but I would go to Hell happily “For The Love Of You,” “My Goddess.” Yes take my hands in yours, make me forget to think of anything or anyone but you and I here and this will be enough, my gift, the man that disappeared so many years ago, his story every last word; you’re making it all possible.

So before I break into the Backstreet Boys, Sam Smith, or croon “Let My Baby Stay” speaking only as your husband, your love, take all the time you need to love me now, then, and in the future and know I Want It That Way.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 304 ~Can’t Buy Me, Love~

Maybe I shouldn’t work so hard after all I have all I need. Only you’re a gift and why do I continue to try to wrap you up, I’m not “Cyrano de Bergerac,” not anymore. What about a library, I can love books and you. “Can’t Buy Me, Love”

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Lesson 304 ~Can’t Buy Me, Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Fine Today; I’m a traditionalist, I’m classic, flowers and candy, oaths of love and sometimes I regret there are no dragons to fight… not a Game of Thrones fan but we can sit here and watch The Walking Dead or Into The Badlands. How much is it I wonder to get into Walker Stalker or to buy costumes, I mean real outfits and not what’s already in the closet.

Now allow me to sound cliché when you ask me what I want, and I answer “All I Want Is You, ask me what I need and “All You Need Is Love” but you want to know really, you roll your eyes at me which brings out my Christian Grey. No not his budget which never mattered to you, but what do women want, and I would say everything, and in one way this fits us perfectly. You may not want it or need it and my dear I already have it in you but can you knock me for trying, blame the knights of old, those princes in the fairytales, or blame Tony Montana.

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” ― Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

Every day I ask how I got so lucky that I met a woman that appreciates terrific cinema, and classic ideas, not conservative as we have so much love to give and maybe that’s why I feel this need to have more. “Baby, I’m Yours,” and you’re mine but am I so hungry, so selfish for you that I need to hoard every one of your smiles. Every idea, your eyes in the mirror, because it gives me a reason to smile, another beat of my heart when it’s not skipping, every breath in this body. A guy could save the world just for the honor, the pleasure of being right here with you, and still, I would give you the stars if they weren’t in your eyes. The moon if you weren’t so high above me, and the planets, well I already have Venus my goddess of love Aphrodite.

Would you stop me from building you a library, from turning our home into a garden, how about having a house at all, a castle, a vault, somewhere to keep “my favorite, favorite thing” your heart? I must be on my way to Hell with how I want to long for you, my greed for you, wanting to lie here with you and never leave. How I’m so proud to call you mine, how envious that I want the world to know you and then no, not to mention a ton of other sins and maybe that’s why I don’t get religion, speaking of blasphemy…

Why would I await treasure in Heaven, I found you angel, and that’s enough, no one else, not even God itself gets me, you love are priceless and timeless to me, Can’t Buy Me, Love.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 297 ~I’m A Wanted Man~

Do I love too much for having no one to “love,” well anyone with two legs that is; of course I love my dog like pancakes because he wanted my waffles but that’s a long story. I’m A Wanted Man but for all the wrong reasons that I know sadly.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Lesson 297 ~I’m A Wanted Man~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Fine Today or more like I didn’t receive a fine today, thankfully I don’t need bail, and yet here I stand wanted, needed, and loved, the only “Wanted” poster I see is the man staring back at me in the mirror. A man captured by his love and I’m guilty as charged, never let me go, throw away the key, though you won’t hear me calling you the ball and chain, as the song goes “What’s My Age Again?”

I’m not one to compare you to a summer’s day either though I’m sure you’ve heard enough of my romantic quips and my smartphone is a constant source of inspiration such as “I Want You To Want Me.” I want to know a want like putting the phone on shuffle and waiting for that all too perfect song to pop up on Spotify, and you can’t help but dance and sing. You know maybe how I am on a Sunday when I’m watching The Walking Dead/Fear The Walking Dead, “Into The Badlands,” and “Westworld” all rolled into one. An addiction like looking up something on YouTube and getting trapped in a stream of dog videos and reactions to shows, talk about “Let’s Get Lost” and we will be but speaking of wants for some reason I want regular TV too, does that make me weird.

Just like I want to be the last thing on your mind when you go to bed, I want to be like a story you tell yourself to help you sleep, as I would once replay Far Cry 5 or Saints Row in my head I want to be your “Escape.” Hell, I want you to be my Anastasia Steele… what too soon, I mean my Anastasia meets Abraham Ford, let’s make some pancakes one day. I want those pancakes to wake me up in the morning and what is it I always say, I love my dog like pancakes, my first born and all.

“When you were, uh, pouring the Bisquick, were you trying to make pancakes?” Abraham Ford

I promise no jokes about women wanting everything and don’t they say “All You Need Is Love” thing is that isn’t a choice, and while I want that too, every day I want to choose us. If this heart has its say I will because I want you, need you, believe, have hope, and many things in-between like the air.

Do I want too much, if wanting such love is a crime then guess what love? I’m A Wanted Man.

I Will Have No Fear