Log 252 ~Heart Hurts More Than Body~

My Ma would tell me to go easy with all the seasoning salt. I’ve got quite a long history with women, plus I have my furry kid, I haven’t had a heart attack yet, but I know all about broken hearts. Heart Hurts More Than Body.

Monday, March 9, 2020

Log 252 ~Heart Hurts More Than Body~

Hundred And Twenty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, if only because I refuse to see a doctor. Not because I’m afraid. Indeed in this time of plague with the Coronavirus (COVID-19), I’m excited. Now I know that doesn’t sound right, and it shouldn’t, not until there are zombies. Okay, I’ll stop, I know I’m not funny. I’ve never laughed so much until it hurts. Madam Justice, I’m not one for self-harm. Fists at drywall, STUPID things while people watch. Giving into FAPPING (it’s Saturday). Anyway, my body takes a lot, but what about my heart?

Most recently, what I said about Cherry and I don’t mean my novella. I speak my heart to you and the others Madam Justice. No secrets, but you and I both know that’s a lie. If I told you everything, then we would see the end, and that’s how you know I’m not suicidal. Still, it happens the same way; I try to talk to one girl, I speak innocence to another, I don’t tell one more and wham. I’m having a “Harriet the Spy” moment because it’s like they weren’t supposed to see that. I put my heart out here so the body can keep going. The thing is nobody wants my heart. I think that’s why I’ve been down as of late. If I don’t write out how I am, the body keeps it in, and I “mess” up, horny, hatred, heartfelt, whatever.

Women though SIGH, let’s talk about something else that hurts my heart, My Dæmon. My little boy is getting older; he’s bumping into walls, avoiding his walks on cold days, sleeping more. Then again, I’m in bed, and he only wants to be near his Dad. I’m still not working on my stories, and I miss them—what a waste of the day. Somebody took my shift at the Day Job and how did I spend it, Madam Justice, lying here looking at the usual. Even my FEAR of my father doesn’t have me doing anything. Okay, so hurting my friends or them getting hurt, Indiana Gone told me she got punched in the face. My little boy and my writing, what more do I love in this world. The man in the mirror that is such a waste that it hurts to witness myself.

Only the body doesn’t quit, fingers, eyes, ears, dang humming, Heart Hurts More Than Body.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 225 ~Will And “Folk” Heroes~

One day I’ll hear those words, “Help me Daddy,” yeah, I know what I’m thinking but I’m serious, I’ll always be there for my family and no, I’m not a hero. They’ll also talk about meeting the folks me and my wife. Will And “Folk” Heroes

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Log 225 ~Will And “Folk” Heroes~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, even after I gave my parents a few million, so I’ll never see them again, well, dad. If I ever become my father, do what you think is right, but don’t become my mother. You don’t deserve mistreatment or anything less than to be the goddess you are My Love. The one thing I ever learned from my father was money, and he’s not a rich man. Indeed most of my heroes are rich men, and I don’t know how they did family life. With what I do for a living, most people ask how I dare to be a father.

My “Big Sister” told me once, “you can’t build a strip club, next to a school.” I wholeheartedly agree, and while I won’t keep any secrets from you when it comes to our children? Now I’m Sonny Corinthos saying my kids will never be part of the MOB. There was another woman who worked for me once and is an awesome mom. My business is one thing, but respecting her as a woman is another. People do as they like, and I wouldn’t want you or any of my family to know disrespect for my dealings. It’s hard wanting to be one man and then wanting to live the dream, and would I surrender one for the other? Again I don’t know how they do it, baby girl. Writers like Todd Michaels and S. Wolf; there are others, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

I still don’t want to be my old man, thinking I give money, so that’s love. Who has to be terrifying or full of rage to hide insecurities and anxiety. I’m never going to hit our kids or threaten them with any violence. They will never feel ashamed of themselves, and I swear if anyone ever calls them STUPID.

Now they say boys marry girls that remind them of their mothers. You can have her intelligence, her heart, and talk about courage. Will I call her the epitome of parenting? My sister has two kids with different dads, and how did I turn out? Then I look at my firstborn, and I always say I love him like pancakes. I couldn’t love him more if I poured the Bisquick myself. For all our kids, we can be the best parents, Will And “Folk” Heroes.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 224 ~Dogs Have Such Big Hearts~

I’ve had dogs before, my grandmother’s. His name was Wishbone; he was shot. Grandma lives ghetto adjacent. I had a chow puppy; one of my grandfather’s dogs killed him. “My Dæmon,” once belonged to my sister. He’s nearly 15. Dogs Have Such Big Hearts.

Monday, February 10, 2020

Log 224 ~Dogs Have Such Big Hearts~

Hundred And Twenty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so My Dæmon’s backyard is enormous. As you know, I’m a time-traveler (Friday, February 7). For the record, I still stick by the first rule of going through time, DON’T.

Anyway, if I were to imagine the future, I see him, he’s grown a beard, or all his little tan hairs are gray. He lies between two or three children, a boy and a girl Luke and Leia, or three daughters, Katniss, Tris, and Ember. Yes, I know there are other combinations. I didn’t even get to name My Dæmon, though we called him Neo for three days, my mother changed it.

I always thought the deepest love was between two partners sharing their lives. The truth is, though, I would kick any woman out on her behind for my firstborn. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t hear the word LOVE. I say it nearly every day, and any time I leave the house. You know how my #2 Impossible Thing is always to be a better father. One of the reasons I’m not is because it’s my boy who shows love 24/7 365. Even now, where is he, you ask? He’s lying against my leg, taking a break from his guard duties. Now I can’t blame him. Madam Justice, he’s the strongest man I know. I’m ashamed to admit this and I should save it for Inspector Echo, but I hit him yesterday. Not on purpose, never, but you know my rants about “Coal” at the Day Job, right? So yesterday I was watching all these bully fights. There was this big one with Bruce Lee fighting all these guys on a rooftop, beautiful brutality.

Well, I’m up, and I’m swinging, and My Dæmon gets excited and WHAM, he gets smacked in the nose. One more thing my son teaches me, and that’s FORGIVENESS. I swear he’s hated me more for vet visits and that never lasts more than a day. Isn’t it ironic that he has heart troubles and my love for him, wow? I buy his medication, his food, everything he needs. I’m sitting here going crazy with the humming. Scared, I did something to my ear this afternoon. I’m exhausted, and all this seven-pound ball of fluff wants to do is help and comfort his own Dad. GRATITUDE, he’s my sweetest blessing.

Dogs Have Such Big Hearts.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

Wasn’t I all about positivity a few weeks ago, was it all the rain and then too much sun, a lack of Energy; can’t say I know much about hangovers but my head hurts something awful, and I’m vomiting up this. “Will’s Walking On Sunshine”

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Episode 248 ~Will’s Walking On Sunshine~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, in six months mind you, half a year wasted. So maybe I should invest in that sinus antidepressant, but that’s my first sin today. While I despise my anxiety, I can’t afford to be happy; a smile’s not required moving forward.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Think I’ll stick to the ground, for now, my head is usually in the clouds but go one day without an energy shot. Damn you 5-hour ENERGY as if I don’t have two bottles ready to go. If it wasn’t for that, I still had to go out for the car and sink tools sigh. Life finds a way I heard in a movie; it gets you up and moving. Eric Thomas and Tom Bilyeu both talk about passion. You know I write everyday Inspector Echo but only when my feet get put to the fire. Tell me B III is hurt, a pretty girl is coming by, my car is damaged, and I’m out the door. Hell “Okay” and “Indiana Gone” both want me to get published, and I’m looking into it and buying my PS4′?

“But it’s only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment.” The Day the Earth Stood Still

Now if it isn’t my cowardice, I mean fear of everything, that I’ll be alone, that she won’t like me, or getting stuck. I still drag my feet, and that’s if I’m lucky, I was barely able to get out of bed, and of course, my mouth looks like I kicked myself. Anyway, I can’t be happy; I am on a slow trek of surviving but as lazy as I am if you count my blog. I have written nearly two novels, 120,000 words each, that’s something isn’t it but to what end. Again I turn to my motivations which say you must add value to the universe and no I’m not suicidal. Still tripping into a grave wouldn’t be such a bad thing Inspector.

“When you can’t run, you crawl, and when you can’t crawl – when you can’t do that…”

“You find someone to carry you.” The Message

A reason to find religion, only my son is so much stronger. I don’t mention his heart condition much and excuse me for waxing poetic. He has such love no wonder, but that’s dogs, in general, loving all us humans. How about the fact that even as a dominant I’ll fall to my knees over some boobs. Harley Quinn, The Lady in the (Blue) Dress, Okay, the list goes on. My those bouncy delights keep Heaven light because plenty of guys are going to Hell. A thought that makes me smile because I’m sure there are a lot of uglier things than me down there. THEY say it’s what’s inside that counts, but I am sorry Will’s Walking On Sunshine.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 242 ~Man, You’re Lining Will~

Close your eyes, shut your mouth, and if you’re lucky it will go away; one of my motivations says that pain is temporary, another says that your greatest fear may come true, another says I’m going to make it. “Man, You’re Lining Will.”

Thursday, February 28, 2019

Episode 242 ~Man, You’re Lining Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,

How To Make One Million Dollars, I would say become the villain, but I’ve done that. According to God, the gods, or goddesses. I still feel like Prometheus strapped to the rock. I know where my liver is because of a suicide attempt, but this is more my penis or heart.

I don’t even understand why I put up the warning. The worse this will be; only the fact that I’ll say penis and that I’m a sadist, so pain gets me off or it did. Another point, that I can’t stand the suffering of people I loathe (like myself). Better to end enemies fast but I’m learning I can’t stand others pain. Today however it’s more like the Eagle is eating my privates than my heart. Not that I don’t feel it, but it could be worse. I could have “The Blues” in a wholly different manner, but I don’t feel anything but complete disgust in myself. I suppose my belly truly is feeling the brunt of this abuse. I am trapped between a rock and something quite hard, again penis and my rib-cage, failing me.

I think I’m starting to understand why I sleep so much. Because I can’t stand torturing myself be it my latest desire or looking in the mirror. I see precisely what everyone else sees. At the Day Job and with my writing; I wish, I work my fingers to the bone. Aren’t I always preaching about idle hands or should I say idol, I was at the store today staring at the PS4 again. Yesterday I also brought up something in one of my reasons for finding “The Line,” and you know what it is? My eyes, they see, the brain interprets and lock the door. Swallow the key because once the idea comes back to the eyes, everything’s trouble.

Close your eyes, your mouth, the distance between you and the covers. Isn’t it ironic that like alcohol, the bed is both the cause of and the solution too most of my problems these past few days? When you attempt to cross those lines, they only become gigantic. Certain “assets” are such when you see them with eyes wide open? The smallest words carry the gravest consequences and my body; everything hurts. The thing is, as the exact shape of the heart or any person’s plumbing, you can’t trace it (no offense to Fleshlight). As I have said, it is becoming way too easy for me to offend people. I have crossed plenty of lines. Over and over, its become pathetic, so the truth is; Man, You’re Lining Will

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 241 ~Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies~

I’ll never be a hero; in less of a week I have seen that I am everything else and today I felt l would be on cloud nine instead of the ninth circle of Hell, Treacherous I am not, but Lust isn’t sitting well. Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Episode 241 ~Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, get a psychology degree and find someone like me. For damn sure I need a psychiatrist more than porn. That PS4 I was sitting in the parking lot thinking about earlier or a bit of Plutonium.

I don’t need bombs, my life feels like a wasteland, hell this country, North Korea, Russia, I couldn’t care less. No Inspector Echo I want Superpowers, and the first would have to be Time Travel. Never turns out well for anyone and once you start, where would it end, starting from today. I offended a woman… notice what I’m not calling her right? Before her, there was “Butterfly” Friday, before her someone I can’t discuss. What about “Cookie” or “Cherry,” “Okay,” breaking my mother’s heart.

Go ahead stupid nigga
Go fuck with them chicks
I’m the third little piggy
Imma fuck with them bricks –-
The Roc (Just Fire) – Cam’Ron

My mom is a Christian, and I have credited her with raising a “gentleman, “now that’s a laugh. Mother is God in the eyes of a child and my mother much like Achilles’s mother must have dipped me in the River Styx. I have survived much but my heart. Brains scrambled sure enough and again since Friday, and earlier today. It was like “Butterfly” ripped my dick off (LANGUAGE). Isn’t that right because it grew back only for a lioness to tear it off, ouch.

Let’s get back to the heart; my “penis” it’s like it’s being eaten and regrown overnight still my heart. I swear it’s worse than being consumed, no the eagle is tearing it apart and then pushing it around my rib cage. Now at this point, I don’t want to even talk to “Indiana Gone,” “Okay” or “Cherry” I’m not Ma-Ti with the power of HEART sigh. Inspector Echo, I do have the gift of prophecy. Remember my dream when I was dating that girl, and I knew it was a bad sign, but I couldn’t figure out what, now I know. I turn my back on black women, people that understand my lifestyle. Friends who need help and how am I rewarded, the women I desire, the things I want, gone, lost, just wow Inspector.

Even now I’m sick, and that would be an awesome superpower, Inception. If I could forget everything and have a brand new idea. If it’s not mine who would I be, what do I imagine more? I’m a beast, I’m something ugly, foul, about to lose more and why? Once I thought I was creative, maybe naughty, skeevy, kind, a pimp and now. Just crazy but who is the Joker, how dare I, who is Marquis de Joker without, Harley Quinn or Dolly “Sick Fux?”

Doesn’t that make me the villain, that’s what they say about men who want X-Ray Vision. About those who turn invisible, about those that morph into others. Only for now I want to be Clark Kent, Peter Parker, Virgil Hawkins. To not have to be brave but then again look here Ninety-Nine Powers, Passions, Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 116 ~Will Connects The Dots~

Money and then the woman, but I’m not saying she’s a golddigger, though I’m not above buying my way into Heaven with how I’m working these days, only I would be better off looking for a change of heart. Will Connects The Dots hopefully

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Episode 116 ~Will Connects The Dots~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t be such a boob or better yet stare at a pair of them for extended periods because no matter what you call them, breasts, ta-tas, fun bags, whatever the feeling remains and yes I looked up the slang. If I’m looking up anything nowadays it should be for dotting I’s and crossing T’s but look at me today, well I did show up eventually but speaking of eyes *sigh*

If only I had such laser focus when it came to my words or can I blame work again, every day this week… that’s one good thing about my day job, you can’t wait to leave, if I ever did own a brothel, well… Is it fair to use “cathouse” and “romantic,” they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and there was a time that was my focus when it came to a woman, the time of intimacy am I right? The days of having a heart but now it’s everything on the surface, freckles, nipples but is it odd that I don’t like too many tattoos on a girl; don’t get me wrong there are two moms and a lesbian chick I would happily fuck, still.

One of the many things I’m attempting to figure out about myself, what separates one girl from the next as I was telling Inspector Echo yesterday a person is supposed to control their feelings, but everything in this world is demanding honestly; such as being a dominant as well. You don’t change a submissive; you want her as she is but everything after that is to draw her more into you, like those connect the dots pictures. You have the idea, but you follow steps, and when you see her for what she is, you fill her in with your desires and hers My problem today has been the fact that I’m focusing on two dots on some cosplayer’s chest because… well one more puzzle, other than I’m horny honestly.

Too much pent-up energy, do I blame my “medication” or my new work ethic this week at the day job or maybe I’m dying and looking for a piece of “paradise” and however will I get there? The money is coming at this rate, not a lot but it’s something if I don’t fuck it up somehow, but no more dreams of anything so far, and don’t they say seeing is believing; with boobs, yes touching would help quite a bit… Will Connects The Dots.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 079 ~Will To Be Selfish~

Possession, love can make us do some incredible things, right or horrible, “Stuff And Thangs” as Rick Grimes would put it and indeed it brings us back to life in some ways at least *cough* Life Itself. Will To Be Selfish

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Episode 079 ~Will To Be Selfish~

Dear Future Wife,
How to make One Million Dollars though I’m not sure that my organs are worth that much… don’t turn all squeamish on me now, though if you ever mention Pig Feet or Chitterlings I’ll want a divorce, same if you ever say Roll Tide or War Eagle. Not that Alabama is forever, and as long as we’re together it doesn’t even matter honestly, though I’m looking at Nevada, California, and for some reason New York but you know I hate being cold, another reason I want you all to myself, my love.

“I love you… but I may not be equipped to be loved this much.” Life Itself (2018) Abby, Olivia Wilde

Professional Wrestling is an acceptable sport, right behind the Olympics and Martial Arts competitions “The Karate Kid,” “Cobra Kai,” “Best of The Best” and don’t get me started on my fixation with Kung-Fu, but I’m in a “Life Itself” state of mine FUCK… what they said it a bunch. Anyway so back to wrestling or more like reality TV “Total Bellas” when Nikki’s family was always telling John Cena to compromise, but they didn’t know what that meant, it doesn’t mean surrender, nor submission, or sacrifice. Which brings my point because I believe love is a sacrifice, but when two people love each other, when they give everything of themselves leaving nothing it should feel like you have everything you’ll ever need and even more.

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” The Princess Bride (1987)

I think I’ve told you this before and I know that I can be a bit much to handle that’s why I admire your strength so much, Beauty & the Beast, do you know how incredible she had to be, to fight so hard, and loved even harder, the way that I love you. It can be scary; I keep thinking about when we first met, what did I have to give, and Suddenly I have smiles to give away, and what did I say about cold and now my arms are around you, and is that my hoody? Strange the times I want to cover you up, and then I want to show you off, but you’re all mine… beast, yeah I’m like your shadow, a ghost that haunts you, a zombie and dare I say you’re the prettiest necromancer I have ever seen.

“I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of anything.”

“I’m only alive when you’re inside me.” Angel “Waiting In The Wings”

Only one fucking demon, is it Halloween yet; yeah, I’m going to have some old white lady screaming at me like that poor studio guy at the screening last night, but as I heard once, it’s a disease this thing called love, a confession, a belief. It transcends everything baby girl, even my words and my phone *gasps*, and I do want to be hoarded, kept away, lost to everything, and so I ask this important question, do you have, the Will To Be Selfish.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 072 ~One Willing Word Maybe~

When somebody laughs at me I want to punch them in the face (yeah that’s kindness) when a pretty girl flirts, is it wrong to think about wanting to kiss her, and when someone says they love me well… One Willing Word

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Episode 072 ~One Willing Word Maybe~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to say I’m sorry because I’m sure I will be, probably more than I’d like but there are some things in this life you can’t control, and for everything else, there could be an apology. That’s why mine will be the genuine article, I’m not sorry you got stuck in traffic, it sucks when people at work are assholes, it’s not super when this that or the other happens, but I am sorry I can’t make it go away for you my love.

Like when I tell you You’re Beautiful, do you think I sing that out to every girl I ever knew before; sure when I began writing it was To All Of You and my pages were my wings, how best to reach an angel. Then I found you, and that is when I discovered my voice again, you made me brave enough to say such things, so when I say such a thing to you, there aren’t many that can say I was willing to give them a word that held all that I am. Beautiful, I’ll call you that a million times over, I’ll show you in every way that I can along with Love And Happiness. However, we choose to define such things because there will always be such things as pain, hurt.

Now my mother never taught me that, if you can’t say something nice but when I am quiet when my words don’t come, well you know more than anyone that I will lose myself in music. Again I will lose myself to writing because how could I ever speak a word that would cause you heartache, What Kind Of Man Would I Be to utter a terrible sentiment to the one that I adore? My father taught me to despise lies because you only do that to the people who you hate, he would know more than most. Then what about our children love? No I don’t hate them what I mean is Santa, pain, what about all of life?

I suppose that will be kindness, to protect them for as long as we can from a world that is full of lies and hungry for the truth. So when I say I love you and them, when I call you my own, when I read them stories, I don’t want to open my mouth out of ignorance or fear. It might take a little while, it may involve me finding such words as courage, discipline, wisdom, because I refuse to be one more stupid man, you deserve better than that and with a yes, with I love you, when you Stay With Me, without a word, your name becomes my One Willing Word Maybe.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 065 ~Will Wait For You~

Last week I talked about time, and now it’s moving at a snail’s pace, when something you’ve grown to love or even someone makes it clear for one reason or another that, well I don’t know, I feel like I’m on the verge of losing. Will Wait For You

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Episode 065 ~Will Wait For You~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason to wait, other than I needed to read “The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them” by W. Anton, don’t laugh you’re here now right, and I still consider it my Bible and fourth favorite book. I didn’t wait when the moment finally came to talk to you; I do wonder how many years it took, the breaths, the steps, heartbeats and of course the fear, stupidity for courage, I call it insanity, a whole twenty seconds worth, then:

Finally, females tend to give males advice that only works for females, such as telling them to take their time, let love come to them, that they will meet someone when they least expect it, and it will “just happen.” But the only reason those things work for females is that they rely on males taking action.” ― W. Anton

Even after all this time I’m not sure which scares me more the moment or the wait, glass half full or half empty, I’m more the type there’s something to drink, I wait for you like Schrödinger’s cat sitter. It could be like telling the boss man I’ll think about something and then getting put on the schedule anyway and sometimes it works out, mostly it doesn’t, but I don’t know how to quit you and I never would. It’s not sleeping, and so I clean, I watch YouTube, I write, my Weapon Of Choice for a long night, choose one, not all isn’t that right, then again I multitask.

Sometimes I wait for you as though my little boy has another tick in his ear or he hurt his paw, and I listen to him cry out or look at me when the vet says he stepped on a pinecone wrong. Maybe it’s like when my brakes cut out, and I backed into a tree, and somehow I still got to work, left and made it to the auto shop with six hundred dollars, and the repairs were four hundred. It’s the time between thinking I’m stupid or Pinterest is and forty-eight hours of waiting to lose everything, to know humiliation, the fear of neither taking action or wondering what I’ve done wrong now.

I approached, pursued, won, and now I must improvise, adapt, overcome which takes, thinking and waiting, for what; I love you, I believe in you, and still this life that I lead, what we share together, I feel at any time can be, I don’t know. In the end, though you’re here, everything a man like me could ever want and I Believe love is the answer. If I have learned anything in life, there’s such a thing as love at first sight but even now my love I suppose I Will Wait For You.

I Will Have No Fear