I miss masks. COVID didn’t bother me, as it could have led me to my son. It’s the ability to hide my STUPID smile. I have to laugh and smile. And then I’m at the house crying. Like it’s a law to mourn my son for four years… Virgil, I’ll B Crying
Tuesday, February 4, 2025
Meditation 218 ~Virgil, I’ll B Crying~
Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Enough to cry on our wedding day. When you gave birth to our children. Braxton…
I’ve cried over my firstborn furry son over a dozen times these past few days. How many more since I’m speaking to you on Sunday, February 2, 2025. And there won’t ever be enough, my love. They can’t ever extinguish the fires of Thursday, February 4, 2021. Love, there is no flood for me to drown in or a storm to traverse that could stop me on the 10th of 2021. It’s when I picked up my son. The remains of him, anyway. Love burns.
Inevitably, someone will say it better… “Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds and marks,” hmm. But today, I burn, which means I haven’t reached the deepest level of Hell yet. Which I do when “The Man Comes Around” every year.
Again, that date was Sunday, January 31, 2021, when my firstborn son B was collected.
You must be crying at my attempts at prose, poetry, and philosophy for my puppy.
Braxton was fifteen. Thirteen days shy of his sixteenth birthday. Still a puppy to me.
Speaking of things that make this man of yours cry… Because a man ain’t supposed to cry. Recently, I’ve been watching a lot of things about it. Relationships being destroyed.
Men who are seen as weak for one reason or another. I have often repeated Gus Fring/Giancarlo Esposito’s line from the show Breaking Bad. “A man provides.” This is true. I do not try; I do because that is what a man does. But this cost me my firstborn son.
I cry because I did all this work for him. When I worked at the Day Job with all the rage that place instilled in me… Talking about fire, I again cry because I wasted so much of my life in that place. And all of Braxton’s. And now I wouldn’t be caught dead there…
Never, in such a Hell as that place again. Can I cry enough to wipe that place off the map?
I can’t help but be overwhelmed by your beauty and grace. I remember B’s aunt saying that she would leave if her love weren’t crying as she walked down the aisle. But you, my love. You are the one I want by my side through tears, “Joy, and Pain.” Everything.
Would you leave for me crying over Braxton, E-Day, even nothing? Virgil, I’ll B Crying
1465 Days Without B III, Day 906 of Virgil’s Arrival
B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will