Gospel 003 ~Will To Be Free~

What’s it like to be free? Would I say I’m free? I mean, I’m not at the “Day Job” for once. I could fall asleep if I so chose. Hell, I know what I really want to do, but I’m abstaining for some reason. “Will To Be Free,” of addiction, anxiety, aching

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Gospel 003 ~Will To Be Free~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or so I wish. My motivations would say, don’t chase money but follow your purpose. More to the point, I face down my goals every day, and you know what those are. Yabbos… talk about freedom and independence or maybe not.

Red eyes, my attempts at blushing, and being a horny male, prevent deep thoughts. I apologize that everything keeps returning to sex. It beats RAGE, doesn’t it. As long as it’s me and My Dæmon, whatever do I have to be mad about? Now I mentioned red eyes, and they both relate to the same “problem.” One, I’m tired because I’m all about PORN, and this will be day six of NO FAP. What am I not fapping to? Well, you know how I enjoy making my lists leading nowhere:

  1. Tifa Lockhart
  2. Aerith Gainsborough
  3. Liz Vicious
  4. MILF Dos
  5. Cherry
  6. Serah Farron
  7. Ellie, Dina
  8. Sesskasays
  9. New Purchases

That’s another thing, Lady Luna, like the word Yabbos, I’m digging on the number NINE. The NINE women I did wrong, or that’s all I can remember. Well, today is all about remembrance and celebration.

White or right… a Freudian slip or an observation? Now before you get excited, you what white reminds me of. I’m all for Black Lives Matter, but I love me a white girl. Not now, but when I start seeing with my heart instead of other portions of my anatomy. Hell, last night was touch and go because of that picture that started me on the road to Tifa. I found who made it and spent $15.00 on the collection. I swear I do everything for the Yabbos. Hold on, but I’m slobbering, spitting, snarling like an animal. So reasons I PUT ON THE MASK.

Blue Balls, though, are hurting, so I don’t have time for the Coronavirus (COVID-19). One disease or addiction at a time. The government is giving up, but I still believe I can do better. My legs crossed in bed, phone off, fighting the urges, porn is everywhere, and hiding it would break me without question. I should also mention my depression over my story, I mean how far did I get last night? I have characters to free from my mind, but then what exactly?

Red, White, Blue, I want GREEN, Will To Be Free.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 362 ~A Breath Of Will~

I hate these words probably as much as my Day Job “Another Day,” and that means I’m still breathing and not wasting my breath trying to be, well me. One day when I’m drowning in cash. A Breath Of Will

Saturday, June 27, 2020

Log 362 ~A Breath Of Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I can breathe without it. I Can’t Breathe, are dangerous words, and that’s why I prefer to keep my mouth shut. When I take in the air to speak, um, that hasn’t been going to well lately. Hell, aren’t my fingers an even bigger problem?

As you know, I started NO FAP yet again. Yeah, I’m in that 24 Hour state of clarity. Lady Lu, as the song goes, I’ll never fall in love again. I’m starting to remember all those years ago when I discovered RealDoll. Now, this might be more of a confession for Inspector Echo, but with all, I’ve admitted? I did enter the RealDoll give away for the summer. What, are you going to change my mind? I swear Lady Luna I’m not one of these “Incel” creeps. Over the past week, though, MILF Dos isn’t talking to me, and neither is Cherry. Two other girls don’t give me the time of day. It puts a whole new spin on “take my breath away.” More like I’m giving it away, and what about GULP? Did I get enough to eat yesterday, which is why I’m energized this morning? I Can’t Breathe.

I know not funny, like that dumbass political so and so. If it’s not women robbing me of my breath, it’s My Dæmon. Yes, he’s my handsome little boy, but he’s also an old man. Yesterday I thought he was getting sick yet again. I swear I hold my breath when he jumps from the bed or uses the stairs. I wonder how do I even get to sleep at night, and he’s right here beside me. I swear if it’s not a woman talking to me, it’s watching my kid’s little chest heave, up-down. He lives, and yet I say Luna, I Can’t Breathe.

How I wish I could say something righteous or anything that might mean anything someday. Why not work on my story, make money, buy a made girl, or actual MILF? We’ll see, won’t we, when I get back walking my child. I should breathe easy now that hey, I put some new shoes on. Funny, my stinky boots didn’t bother me when I went out yesterday. With the plague and being a black man, but I wasn’t holding my breath. Walking on eggshells, broken glass, take A Breath Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 355 ~Will Earns His Stripes~

So what did I do this week… if anything, it wasn’t better. I slept most of the week away, dreaming about what I did wrong to yet another friend. I didn’t publish my story again. I didn’t go to jail, so yay. Will Earns His Stripes.

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Log 355 ~Will Earns His Stripes~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so why am I still here? Directly where I was last week only older, ornerier, and having an orgy with my past misdeeds. For the record, I AM A BLACK MAN. I’m also a sadist, a writer of “erotica,” a would-be pornographer, and a pimp ha.

Let’s focus on me being a Black Man, but many African Americans would disapprove. You know, Lady Luna, for the past week, my focus has been on “The Nine.” Of those nine women, two were minorities, one woman was Mixed, and the second was Latina. One of them informed higher-up, the other asked me to leave her alone, and I did so. You can call me toxic when it came to The D because I didn’t stop when asked. Granted, that was my fault in college (COUGH) junior college. That leaves five; with The Harmonic War, I didn’t want anything but to piss her off to my forever shame. The Basic Bitch slammed me for my bullshit, “pardon my French.” Now, that leaves only four, Okay, Rainbow Girl, Cherry, and MILF Dos. Keeping track, hmm?

So what’s my point? Of nine, seven were white women, and I had an epiphany with all the racial concepts circulating. Now, this might be me only attempting to skirt the blame. The thing is I always figured these women ran off because of who I am as a man. I understand that, no question. Hell Indiana Gone is the only woman that wouldn’t judge me for Of Inner Demons. I don’t say that about her being a black woman but one of my own heart. Anyway, I would accept it if these, (gulp) white women found me ugly. I still haven’t body issues about myself, especially with my teeth.

No Lady Luna, the thought I had was this… I AM A BLACK MAN. How dare I am I right? My Lady, I am not an African American male living his life for some white lady to call the cops quickly. Every damn time, I know I’ve done something wrong, but what? I asked out the Rainbow Girl, posted a Pokémon, or a song lyric and blocked. I showed Cherry my work, and she knew it was about her beforehand, so silence. I offered a deal and a hello to MILF Dos and blocked again.

A black man in a cell, Will Earns His Stripes.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 348 ~Don’t Be WEEK Will~

It’s times like these I tell myself, I’m going to do better. I have an entire week to do what I love, and that’s writing or do I want to go back to the Day Job and “Home & Kids” (shudders). Don’t Be WEEK Will but more like bright future whoever.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

Log 348 ~Don’t Be WEEK Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I shouldn’t be WEAK, right? All this past WEEK, I’ve woken up at 4 AM, survived the world I was given. Hell, I still have the Day Job. Should I mention every slight, sin, and sorry not sorry I’ve had to contend with? If anything, now is the time for strength, to speak, and yes for Team Skeet, AHEM Alex Tanner “My Sister Is A H*e.” If I were a better man, well, no, a Christian, I would be praying for my friend right now. If but to share good vibes and positive thoughts, right?

What about me, though, and my selfishness? Yeah, this talk is brought to you by the letter S. The fact right now that I want to be WEAK this minute and go back to sleep. I want to sin right now and give into lust. I want to say hello and help my friend, but I’m afraid. You know what scared me the most, though during this week… looking STUPID. I still hate saying that word, and right now, I should be feeling super. All I am now is sticky. Relax Lady Lu, I spilled a soda and didn’t shower after, only changed my clothes.

Something I won’t be doing a lot of this coming WEEK as I checked my Day Job schedule. I don’t want to be every other week Will. I have seven days and not like when I’m there, trying to make it only another day. Okay, the question becomes, what am I going to do with them. I should say something to my friend. I’m still no saint, but I’ve spent 24 days, not playing Shaft if you know what I mean. Some might say I should seek salvation, or should I trust that my story will save me these days.

Tomorrow I will tell myself to be better. Yeah, then I’ll do something silly instead of singing, “I can’t live my life This Way.” What about my son? I should get up right now and walk in the sunshine because, how long has this conversation taken. Oh, you mean between looking up porn and song lyrics. Wanting to be a saint but living as a sinner. I’m seeing the destruction of the country as I’m surfing YouTube as per usual.

I say, don’t be weak. Will, Don’t Be WEEK Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 341 ~Someone SHOE Me, Will~

One of the worst weeks at the Day Job and that is saying a lot but I haven’t walked out for good, no not yet. Only with all this walking, I have been doing, why couldn’t I do anything a bit more constructive. Someone SHOE Me, Will

Saturday, June 6, 2020

Log 341 ~Someone SHOE Me, Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and more than ever, I want that private beach. There are pictures of me on a beach, not that I was allowed to keep any of them. Don’t ever ask me why I have no good memories of my childhood. I don’t have one picture to prove it. Now I don’t mean to be so cranky this Thursday morn or however long it takes to have this chat. By the time you read this, one of the worst weeks of my life has ended. Hell, how do I even keep score? Yesterday (Wednesday), I thought, no one counts days in Hell.

Of course, that was at the Day Job, the SHOE department. Talk about the Law of Attraction. Was this me talking about feet a few days back? Knowing the schedule made me think about my feet. Perhaps I’m feeling, defeated, yeah, not funny, I know. At least My Dæmon took it easy on me this morning. No walk for him, and shouldn’t I be worried? He hates getting old, the rain, and that I’m not sharing. Okay, for the moment at least. Speaking of walking nowhere, how about all the marches, protests, and riots going on. Running for Amaud, Marches for George Floyd, and we can’t forget about Breonna Taylor. Being Black in America, Lady Luna is something. The thing is I have a hard enough time only being me.

Do you want to take a walk in my shoes? If the Day Job is any indication, I intend not to wear any for plenty of reasons. Again the SHOE department is nowhere I want to be, and neither is Home And Kids. I would say I’m sick of running away and trust me, I am. Yet I want to be like Shaka Zulu, in some ways mind you. I want to stop running towards my bed and start running towards glory. With all this NO FAP going on (16 days, 21 hr, 42 min, 50 sec), I should be playing twenty toes. I’ll even admit to enjoying a bubble bath with a good book. Nowadays, I put my feet up for ten minutes at a time to read Too Late by Colleen Hoover. It seems though I still can’t keep up, even with my time traveling ways, what’s today?

Walk With Me… no Lady Luna, Someone Shoe Me, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 334 ~Will The Track Star~

Didn’t I say don’t ask me about the Day Job? I asked the question, what would happen if I stood up? The answer, have a Panic Attack and run out the door. Is that what I’m calling it now, thank you WebMD because it beats cowardice. Will The Track Star

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Log 334 ~Will The Track Star~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how much is Usain Bolt making? I suppose I chose the right profession if I became the next J.K. Rowling snickers. How about E.L. James, Stephen King, Tillie Cole, or my latest “obsession” Eric Vall? Well, did I even write to Lady Sophia all that happened at the Day Job on Tuesday? Let’s see if I can DUMB it down. On Tuesday the 26th, I asked the General Manager what I should do? She told me to process Amazon Returns. Ten minutes later, I had a Panic Attack and left.

What did we say about checking WebMD? Hell, what did we decide on making excuses? The biggest question is, what am I going to do with my life? As the song goes, I can’t live my life this way. What, in fear, am I afraid? How come I’m scared so GODDAM ALWAYS! Pardon the language Lady Luna, but this isn’t like The Eve of a Cherry. Not like I kept track of all the F-Bombs in that. Speaking of which, it’s Cherry’s Birthday on the 28th. Only did I mention her in any conversations before this one. Happy Birthday, Cherry. There’s so much to keep track of, My Lady. That’s how I was feeling Tuesday. My emotions were shot to Hell besides my fear and my anger. It was like being back in school, and the two bullies have my cap throwing it between them. Yeah, so I like hoodies.

So how do I feel right now? Why don’t you tell me, Lady Luna, how one schedules a mental breakdown? Do I talk about today, being Wednesday? The rest of the week, or what should be Saturday? Now my stomach’s in knots, the week hopefully employed, Saturday angry. No wonder I’m so tired? During the day, I’m running, from my father, from the Day Job, and even my bed. Of course, I’m sitting here right now talking to you. You could say I’m living the dream, beautiful girl in my bed, conversation, a good song. Dreaming… I have to fill my head with everything from well all the above. Money, writers I’ve read, excuses, music, Jeff Daniels, birthdays, Bobby Hill, more. I track everything because, in my real life, we’re just Dancing In The Dark.

Or running my Lady Luna, wouldn’t you say. Tired, Scared of Will The Track Star.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 327 ~A Will Too Far~

Last week I said I’m no good without a nap, and this week, I’m still angry, horny, and please don’t ask me about the Day Job, yeah I torture myself enough with that, and if I ever stood up? A Will Too Far.

Saturday, May 23, 2020

Log 327 ~A Will Too Far~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and some people would say that’s way too much. There’s no such thing as too much money, which is why MY country is the way it is. Now I don’t want to get super political with you. It seems that my nap didn’t help, but does it ever? What I’m getting at is, I have such grand dreams (when I’m not sleeping). Considering what I want to do with MY life, I take heat for the smallest things. So since I won’t give you the speech to my boss, let’s go over a few other things.

Yes, I still hate being a liar, but let’s start with my Day Job. AHEM I did not survive this “poop” to be treated like I’m stupid. I might yell at the next huddle at the lot of them. Hell, if it hadn’t been for that one lady asking about my kid, I would say, I hate all of them. So what about my kid? I know he must be sick of his old man spending all his time writing. I still love him like pancakes, but here he is sleeping, knowing it counts as quality time. He loves his walks and wishes they were longer. I hear him often enough. Now that explains why I got the worst night’s sleep. I swear my bed at this point might as well be a trash heap. A fly was making the rounds all night buzzing. I thought there was a beehive above me. Wouldn’t that be awesome, and no “honey” to show for it, makes sense.

Now on women, today’s the first day of NO FAP, again. 1 day, 5 hr, 14 min, 30 sec to be precise. I saw Lisa Peachy right after napping, so I hopped out of bed. There are reasons I can’t do Brainbuddy or Covenant Eyes. My wheelhouse, my writing, their writing. Lady Luna too much information, am I right? Nobody knows me, though, and the ones that ask. Well, they stop talking to me. Even here, I put up a Spotify link, but as the song goes, I gotta enemies. It’s like I’m behind bars in one sense or another. I’m trying to keep the Beast in, keep the Boy out, and end up being a Bastard, pardon my French.

Freedom Lady Lu, now that is A Will Too Far.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

I and no good without my nap, but I have worse crimes, of course, and here I am plotting some sort of way out, or at least I hope so. How much is it going to cost me though $45 or more, hmm? The “Way Out” Will.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Log 320 ~The “Way Out” Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how? Now you know how I hate sounding like the President. There are plenty of ways I would like this period in history to end though I lack the “liberty” to share them. Besides, we should talk about me and How’s It Going To End?

Should we talk about Thursday, seeing as how it’s Wednesday now? You’re seeing this as Saturday, though. The wonders of Time-Travel. Chances are I ain’t no fortunate son. Yeah, still at the Day Job and next week; there’s no end looks like. When’s the last time I finished a video game? Far Cry 5, NOPE, Heavy Rain, negative, Call me a Legend, are you serious with my little virtual harem? I know Lady Luna, but what was I doing in the shower? I see all my secrets coming to light, losing the social life that I do have, or being oh so sorry. Again there might not be an end, only repeating everything over and over. I’m sorry if I sound down, but this is what happens when I don’t get my afternoon nap. You know I still hate waking up early, and for what?

If there is an end, I hope it’s not like my books, me breaking, or a bunch of lost bucks. The emptiness Lady Luna, that’s the only way I can describe it. It feels so good, but then there’s only okay, and what do I have to show for it. 50,000 words, a clear mind for a few hours, or making some pretty girl happy. That’s what I have been sitting here contemplating. $45 to become a Patron. I only now got the Day Job back, and today I want to spend money, quick escape.

No Lady Lu, I’m talking to you because as the song goes, I’m Gonna Be Somebody. Funny, I use the song from Police Academy, and how often do I break the law? Yeah, I’m not behind bars… been there done that when I was in juvenile detention. It’s not like Coronavirus (COVID-19) did a number on me. Other than a bunch of new rules, and yes, I’m still mad at Academy Sports + Outdoors. I don’t let go of anything, right? My way out is with Bucks, Babes, and let’s say Biology for now, hmm?

So how to obtain those things, The “Way Out” Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 313 ~Will The New World~

Well, last week I asked what I do for money, and now sometime soon it will be back to the Day Job, I suppose. Indeed I finished one book and was working on a long-overdue poetry compilation. Will The New World?

Saturday, May 9, 2020

Log 313 ~Will The New World~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should be all into the. Brand New, as the song goes. Lady Lu, as per usual, I speak to you two days from the past. Time travel can be quite finicky, so if I told you I would find myself here? I’m a man having a panic attack, exhausted, well hell, isn’t that every day? Today though, I have received my marching orders to return to the world. Only the place I knew wasn’t so great. The land that awaits me, I’m not looking forward to. For now, I can’t see the aftermath, but there are other worlds.

“Only a man unable to handle the actual world would create another one in which to hide.”
― Andrew Davidson

I’m not suicidal, but at this moment, I want to return to the blackness of sleep. It’s no secret that I’m lazy above everything Lady Luna. Look, you’re my first girl, my favorite… my light in the dark, closest to where I want to be. In the night, not having to face the new day. Only when I find myself thrown into the world, I build new ones. One more reason that I’m a writer. I need somewhere to go, but then it’s like something out of The Handmaid’s Tale. My worlds are never “Better” for everyone, especially women, but I’m not in the mood today. I don’t wish to be one of these STUPID people comparing having a Day Job to some worse part of history. Still, I feel like I am doomed to repeat it as soon as I leave this “warm” bed.

“Better never means better for everyone… It always means worse, for some.”
― Margaret Atwood

I say it like that because I’m not sure if it’s the weather or my blood running cold. Fear freezes me, and there’s another F-Word that heats me right up. I’m not angry, though, and the other feeling I’m avoiding like the plague all around us. Coronavirus (COVID-19) hasn’t given me the world I imagined, as if I could handle it. Again I’m sitting here in bed trying not to think how good I had it and all the work I could have gotten done. Now I sound like Trump wasting my time. I don’t believe I will have the luxury of losing myself to the music or some audiobook. If I call upon the future, it will always be for My Dæmon’s continued health and the world I wish to build for him.

Today though (Thursday), is this normal or Will The New World…

I Will Have No Fear

Log 306 ~Will Comes With Interest~

I sort of despise that question, what do you do for fun? I’m more, what do I do for money? There’s reading, but I want to be a better writer. With what I call writing, I want to get paid. What about everything else? Will Comes With Interest

Saturday, May 2, 2020

Log 306 ~Will Comes With Interest~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should get a few new interests. Preferably one that pays well because it’s always about the money with me? Every single motivation I listen to says, “DON’T FOLLOW MONEY.” Still, I’m worried about getting back into Far Cry 5 or hell, Final Fantasy 7, what about Mass Effect?

Anyway, I’ve spent some time pondering the “Big Questions,” for example, why are people so STUPID. I hate that word, but people are fighting to stay broke. What kind of “man” am I hoping that most of them die to make the world a better place? Is it possible to save us? M Anime believes the end is nigh, and yet she’s falling in love with a trucker. Cherry is falling for her publisher. Confession time Lady Lu, and while I usually save this for Inspector Echo, here’s the question. Has any woman felt “Romantic, sexual love” for me minus the price tag? I told The Karlee Grey, who’s one of my top ten favorite pornstars ever I rather talk to you than throw out another $20.00. Hours ago, I felt stirrings, and with this evening? I read that the Quarantine could affect my libido, explaining how horny I’ve been.

I haven’t checked my bank account lately, but didn’t I say, money is what matters? Lady Lu, I should be taking this time to read. The Dæmon thinks I should cut the grass in the backyard. What about my gun? I should learn how to load faster and should head to a gun range. Talk about a lack of courage. I’m still upset that I didn’t have the balls to drive away from Taco Bell. I paid for a taco I didn’t order. I didn’t complain. Which I planned on doing. Yeah, I want zombies?

Then who would be left to read The Eve of a Cherry? I finished the first round of edits only yesterday. Speaking of which what about the Gown of Chaos, which is a “small” story I started years ago. There’s also Gulp, which is May’s project, if I’m not headed back to the Day Job. Oh, why should I talk about myself getting paid though Gay For Pay came to mind on OnlyFans? No, more like spending money to lead people to you, Lady Lu. So many ideas today, you know, Will Comes With Interest.

I Will Have No Fear