Tag: Family

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

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Life is… beautiful? Everything is… awesome? That’ll be… lovely. And how about existence? I hate this phrase, but “it is what it is.” If something is “good” for others, that is great. Then there’s my boys and their lives, Huh. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But what does that mean now? That I pay? Part of me yearns for you…

Probably you want me to close my eyes, close my eyes, and relax, think of nothing tonight… That nothing is my firstborn son, Braxton. And tonight? It’s Thursday, April 18, 2024. Braxton is still gone. And this coming week? God, I want to join him.

Braxton is love. So are you. So are they. The family we have made together, this existence, the life that we share… I didn’t ask some father in heaven or one down here on Earth.

Love, I didn’t even ask the one I see staring back at me through the mirror. So, what did I want in this existence? It doesn’t come with a menu. But how much is that doggie in the window? I don’t know. Braxton was/is lovely.

And now I sit here in bed. Why… After seeing that little face. The touch of B III’s soft fur. I would hear Braxton’s happiness every time I returned. The taste of food before sharing.

Smell… please ew. In fifteen years, B learned to go outside. And “with that in mind, a soft, nice-smelling girl’s better.” With all the songs I listen to, why can’t I hear I love you?

I know you do, baby. Despite me being a baby. And you asking me anything and everything except the obvious. Because if you ever did, it would be cruel, ugly, and vile, my sweet love. And I’m trying. When I saw V, I thought, “That’ll be lovely.” A fur kid.

His life’s far from lovely.

But again, what about ours? What About Us, What About The Rest Of Us? Anyone? Indeed, everyone is asking me that. And it’s not fair to any of you. To just be lovely, like something to be picked up for dinner. I mean, there’s lovely. And then there’s, well, more. I can sing Isn’t She Lovely about each of our daughters. And what about our sons. I hope they are better men than me. Wasn’t B III, and what about Virgil? Hmm. Virgil Vivi’s trying.

Everything is lovely and awesome. But I want it to be… Well, how it never will be. Braxton should be here to see it. And if I can love as my firstborn son loved me, love. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

1178 Days Without B III, Day 619 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 294 ~Let’s B Civil, Virgil~

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“Never go to war. Especially with yourself.” That’s in Lord of War. Friday, I went to see Civil War. It’s serious when certain people are in the theater freaking out. But aren’t I always? B was/is a good boy. Girls? Green? Let’s B Civil, Virgil.

Saturday, April 20, 2024

Tale 294 ~Let’s B Civil, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… but that money better be in Canadian dollars. Or Quid or pounds… British money, Lunalesca. Whatever.

My Braxton’s memory is a constant struggle for me. I refuse to let it become a mere memory, to be forgotten or dismissed as one of those ‘it is what it is ‘moments, Lady Luna.

But I didn’t start crying over B today, either. The movie I saw Friday, “Civil War,” did the trick. I swear all the things that I’ve given up. Like writing reviews? But the fear remains.

Sitting in the theater yesterday, I thought about the “deal” I made with these girls. JIC, or Just In Case. That’s from Fear The Walking Dead. Anyway. I told Braxton’s Aunt that if The Dead walked the Earth, I’d save her. If it’s political upheaval, there’s M Anime. In a machine uprising scenario, where’s Cherry?

I told Cherry that? What about the things I told her once upon a time? I’m not a perfect person. I don’t want to be a political one. And when I see myself in the mirror, Lady Lunalesca, Dear God! I am pathetic. And if you hear me moaning over Piper Niven and Onna Kyoushi, particularly Honoka Todo—purple-haired women, I swear, Lady Lunalesca. (Drools).

Can I try to be civil? Show some civility. For once, be a civilian. Just keep it in my pants.

It feels like I’m in a perpetual battle with myself, Lady Lunalesca, and I’m always on the losing side. But when Braxton was here? Yes, it always circles back to my son. My brother-in-arms. That was Braxton. And I rewarded his loyalty… with a box.

The picture of his final moment. There’s a reason I didn’t excel at Journalism, Lunalesca.

That was one more thing I was thinking about while watching “Civil War.” I wanted to be a wartime journalist. Can you imagine that? I don’t remember why that was.

Saturday, April 20, 2024, and I’m one day closer to forty. Now, that is something I know I told Cherry. I don’t want to be forty, but Queen said it best. I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all. But I’m here. And what am I doing while sitting in this bed, Lady Luna?

To look up chicks or keep chatting away. I can play a game or make some green. With my words! Grrr! Let’s B Civil, Virgil

1175 Days Without B III, Day 616 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

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I haven’t been bitten by the love bug in some time. When’s the last time I’ve been outside other than to let V out. Or go anywhere I didn’t want to go. What bugs me the most. Breathing. I wish I could make it worthwhile. Love Bugs B, Virgil

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But while you always tell and show me, I miss Braxton—you and them. Virgil?

Money makes such a lovely sound. But is it love? For the love of money. If I had it 1,171 days ago, would it have saved my firstborn son, my B? Food insecurity? Never, love! Today, Sunday, April 7, 2024. I’m only thinking about all the problems in the kitchen. Braxton’s food still sits on the counter. Three years? Is that a problem? Frightening, Mad?

Even now, I want to yell out to Braxton to take his medicine or fill up his food and water bowls. I do that for V anyway, but it’s not the same, and it sounds stupid. Doesn’t sound like love…

Like the kitchen faucet that’s acting up, the shelf that fell down, or a messed-up drawer. This mess, I swear.

If that ain’t love, then I don’t know what love is. A well-loved house that I should fix for the living. In doing so, I would honor my Braxton. It’s slowly eating away at me.

Inspecting for termites when I would instead be blasting my way through Terminids, Automatons, and whatever else in the game Helldivers 2. What’s one more distraction? Hmm. I need anything and everything to make some noise. Grieving, Hating, but Loving…

Trying to remember what love sounds like bugs me. Only I want to hear it. You and me, always and forever, my love. I want to place the two of us under the covers. Really?
Hey, it beats me thinking about Maiko Kaneda all day. Your husband has a type.

The two of us love bugs. Those two-legged children of ours, bugging mommy and daddy. Someday, I might even look at Virgil as such. One of our kids. But he didn’t have a choice, my love. I can’t say I was even bitten by the love bug. More like I was bitten by my B. And it would have pained me to leave without Virgil. Only I was being selfish or even obtuse with love. Seriously, what’s with all my talk of bugs anyway? Extermination?

Breathing bugs me. Every breath I take. Take this morning for example. I lied here reading, and Virgil was shoving against me. As long as I didn’t look at him, I could imagine Braxton, love bug. Love Bugs B, Virgil

1171 Days Without B III, Day 612 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 287 ~B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift~

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The whole armor of God? I’m more the death shroud with my name on it… So the guys at the morgue can identify the body. But my son. He knows what books I’ll identify with. He sends rap when I’m in a “mood.” And helping V? “B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift.”

Saturday, April 13, 2024

Tale 287 ~B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… That’d make me something more than Disgusting, Depressed, or “Dee, Dee, Dee,” as Carlos Mencia says.

Do I want to begin the day like this? As with most, I didn’t want to start the day. Period. Too bad, I’m reading a book that involves a resurrection… No! Not the Bible, Lunalesca.

Although now that I think about it. Chrissy, ha-ha, “Christ” was resurrected in book three. And here I am in novel five. That is if you want me to feel grateful for anything, dear Lu.

I will be eternally grateful for my son, Braxton. He gave me 15 years of joy and love that I didn’t deserve, Lady Lunalesca. His presence in my life was/is a constant reminder of the beauty and fragility of life. I also need to check Virgil’s vaccinations. He’s not being sick all over the place. How many things am I supposed to show gratitude about on any given day? Hmm.

Resurrection, Rebirth, Realize, B III.

I’ll stick with 3—as in my three lucky numbers… 3, 5, and 15. These numbers hold a special place in my heart, reminding me of the precious 15 years I had with my son, Braxton. I could really use a wish right now, my Lady. But more than wishing to win the lotto, I want my B back. As always, right, dear Lady Lunalesca.

How about wishing for wisdom? Or some woman, excuse me, women, HaremLit. I could wish not to hate a man named Will, who I see in the mirror every morning.

Anyway, let’s stick with wisdom. Whether I meant to or not, I’ve been studying up on resurrection. Take, for example, my last three books. Again, that is my magic number.

Lunalesca, I’m reading an Eric Vall title now. In another book, the protagonist, Darrow, returned from the dead, right… In Outbreak Rising 2, the narrative was chock full of the dead, which made me reflect on the concept of resurrection.

Every morning, I have to wake up and see the world like Joe Stevens, Bingham Madsen, or Ben. I could go on. All told, life is a gift, and the world has a nice little bow. Now, I could be all Tony Montana and talk about wanting the world Lunalesca. But I liked it when I was working towards giving everything to my only son.

But what about Virgil? What about me? Have you seen the world outside, dear Lady? Virgil spends most of his outside time sitting by the stairs, wanting to come inside.

Lunalesca, I would prefer if it was a wrap for me. I stay cold, covered, and cowardly, Lunalesca. That’s a wrap. B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift

1168 Days Without B III, Day 609 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

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When was the last time I heard “I love you” and felt something? When was the last time I said it? The last time I heard love and felt it was in Braxton’s last breath. And I’m sure I’ll be hearing it well into the future. “Hear B, Listen V.”

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But I can tell why it has to be this way. My son is gone.

Braxton, my Soldier, Soul dog, indeed my firstborn Son. Even now, while I time travel. Today is Sunday, March 31, 2024, Easter Sunday. He Is Risen? Well, not my Braxton.

Today, how many more will pay for my sins? There ain’t no coming back from all these things that I’ve done. But that’s the thing, my love. I’m still gone, and you’re still waiting for me. Even though I don’t look a thing like Jesus. I know I need to cut the music off, love. I need to turn off all the noise and stay awake. Why? Because love’s louder?

Honestly, that’s my problem. The last time I heard love was my Braxton’s last breath. And for 1,164 days, I’ve only been listening. But hearing?

Whatever DEI! And you know what I wanted to say.

More like they want to say. But why is hate so much easier to explain? Why do the things I hate come so naturally? Like myself for what happened to Braxton. You tell me, I loved, and I loved, and I lost you. You sing to me. As long as I’m breathing, always and forever.

So why don’t I want to hear it? Am I making any sense at all, my love? Love is confusing.

It’s the way it has to be sometimes. But how much longer? As I said before, look how far I am from this day. Look how far I’ve come from the day my B fell. I still hear it, love.

Only you know you, man. My love language is physical touch. And when it comes to you and me, I feel everything. And you’ll do anything to make me feel your love. Actions, right? More than words? And everything that comes with it. But you want me to hear you. You need me to. But all I hear is pain, yours, mine, my boys, B III and 2V, our kids.

And I listen to everything else, like some white noise. I am sleeping away existence. Today, love doesn’t lie bleeding. It’s sleeping. And I have to find my way, darling.

Honestly, that’s the only time I’ll say you remind me of my Ma, baby doll. I’ll let you love me. Hear? Hear B, Listen V.

1164 Days Without B III, Day 605 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 280 ~Trust B or V~

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Don’t ask my opinion, don’t ask me to lie? I do enough of that with every breath I take. Why do you want to live, survive, or exist? I don’t. But I have my boys, some good books, and there’s boobs. How do I make cash? Other questions. “Trust B or V.”

Saturday, April 6, 2024

Tale 280 ~Trust B or V~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… And continuing from last week, money remains the cure, the answer, and the meaning of life.

And I find that to be sad. But This Is America. Indeed, it’s the world at large. And there are so many questions. I’ve told you before, Luna, when I would only write out questions.

Do you know what I wish I could ask? Well, it’s a FREE country, but here’s my question: Lady Lu, who had the better RELATIONS scene? Jack and Maddy or Darrow and Mustang/Virginia? If they even did IT, there’s a reason I finished Outbreak Rising.

Lunalesca that leads me to another question? Why don’t I know if Darrow and Mustang?

I should ask better questions. Where is Braxton? Why did I think outside the box? Lunalesca, I mean in adopting Virgil. Is his little head okay after hitting the gate?

So many questions, Lady Lunalesca. My head is pounding. The one sitting on my neck for once. I know, strange.

I’m looking forward to taking Virgil outside. So I can take some painkillers. Seriously, Lu.

What about listening to some music? I believe Braxton sent me the song, Show Me How To Live. And the novels sent me the song Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby. As Cherry asked me, “Is Relations all you think about?” My boys, beauty, and bucks. The only thing I need is answers. Again, some bucks would solve everything. Multiple choice.

Lunalesca, I don’t miss being in school. But everyone talks about the school of hard knocks, the fence falling down outside, and anyone knocking on the door. V’s little head. I don’t have any answers.

But that’s another reason I miss B. I trusted him not to ask me any questions, and he didn’t have answers either. No! I take that back. The answer was me. NOT! Braxton was wrong.

I’m sure Virgil wakes up every morning asking himself why. Well, not right now since he’s conked out. Virgil spent all night crying and wondering why the gate was up.

Lunalesca, I don’t trust him to find the bathroom or not get sick all over the place. How about not destroying something? He knows not to go near Braxton’s bed. Three years? I should shrink-wrap that thing or at least wash it. And what shall I do today, Lady Lu?

Ask who loves me. Not me. Trust B or V

1161 Days Without B III, Day 602 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 276 ~Virgil Digs You, B…~

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I’ve got hoes, or I got holes, something like that. I certainly dig one. And speaking of digging. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, people in books, my boy, or the bed I must leave before I die here. Nah! V keeps me alive because Virgil Digs You, B.

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Tale 276 ~Virgil Digs You, B…~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But that doesn’t mean I won’t be in the doghouse. You’re mad, I’m sad, Virgil.

Dogs dig their own graves—that’s a dark thought. But I was lying here reading after I brought Virgil in. As usual, Virgil Vivi pawed on the bed and his pillow to get comfy. It made me think of my son Braxton. It’s something dogs do, digging in their bedding. Braxton stopped doing that before the end. Or at least I don’t remember it, love. Impossible! Because I want to remember every single thing about my B. Not just sadness?

Like that annoying song Boots by Leony that I listened to. Mad as all Hell as my boy lay dying. I dug my son’s grave. But not in the way I think. And I don’t mean B in his box?

Like walks, treats, and fun

Huh, fun! You and me, my love. There is a reason I went celibate for 161 days… Don’t get me wrong, baby girl. I dig you more than Resident Evil 5’s Excella Gionne or Final Fantasy VII’s Scarlet. What? With Helldivers 2 making all that noise. Your man digs games.

Can I talk about Virginia and Victra from the book Golden Son? Again, that’s what I was reading this morning. I wish Darrow would dig one of them enough, too… Well, you know. Because we’ll lie on the loveseat together or in bed as I read it to you, love.

Reading, gaming, anything at all to not show you how much I’m digging you today. Could it be that I’m just dumb and… never mind.

No! It was words like never mind, and whatever, that had me digging Braxton’s grave. To save him from my anger, I gave him my indifference. I lay in bed, not wanting to move, instead of getting up and seeing to him. I would dig in with the Day Job I hated instead of seeing to him. And now that’s the thing. I don’t want to dig anything anymore, ever.

But if I want to join my Braxton so badly, I must prepare a place for myself. Dig In! That means living and not just existing? That would be my boy talking, love, honestly. Digging into books. Digging my girl out, ha-ha. There are graves to dig. I have enemies. Myself? Virgil Digs You, B…

1157 Days Without B III, Day 598 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 273 ~Virgil Chooses To B…~

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I choose me? I did? When I brought Virgil in. Because once he was here, well… I lost more favorable options on what to do to myself. Not that it stopped me from trying. But Braxton Barks had a family to take him in. I stay, and “Virgil Chooses To B…”

Saturday, March 30, 2024

Tale 273 ~Virgil Chooses To B…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… because money is the cure. As much as I love my son, silence… another “S” word.

It’s that Dollar, dollar bill, y’all, that would fix everything. And isn’t it ironic that I would have a thousand choices with a billion dollars, shout praises? Having none Lunalesca.

At least when Braxton was here, my choices revolved around him, Lady Lunalesca. Everything was for his good or our peace. But with my last decision… dear Braxton… he passed.

Anyway, I make bad decisions. And that is what brings me to you today, Lunalesca? But then again. Why do I have to bother asking anyone else if I ask you the question? B III?

Can’t I let my boy rest in peace already? At this rate, Virgil is getting more rest. And he is very much alive. Whatever that means to a fur buddy.

For Braxton, that was love, loyalty, and looking at… Well, I gave Braxton “The Talk.” Conversely, Virgil is lying around, looking lost, and being leery of everything. Luna, this is my fault. I’m a loser, baby. I lose my pants too often, and I am looking forward to an apocalypse.

But I have a choice.

I keep telling myself that, but let’s start with money. I’ll have $230.00 of my tax refund remaining. If I’m lucky. And what, pray tell, can I spend that on when everything lies broken, Lu?

I forgot the chicken yesterday for a grilled chicken salad. Why? I’m living in fear! Lunalesca, fear is a choice. I make it every day with existence, breathing, and remembering.

I remember my son, Braxton.

And that is the choice that is eating at me today. Not the circumstances of Braxton leaving me, Lady Lunalesca. But what Braxton would tell me to do. Ahh! To give the dead my choice.

I asked earlier this week: Should I keep talking to the Man In The Mirror? Or should I let Braxton speak through me? Do you remember I’d talk to Diana on Thursdays? But then I wanted to speak to my boy. And here I go crying again, Lunalesca, always grieving.

Then again, it could be my laziness. I got my schedule for the week. But haven’t I been talking about money? How would Braxton say I should spend it? How do I fix the fence? Choose! Virgil Chooses To B…

1154 Days Without B III, Day 595 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 269 ~B Gives Virgil Space~

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When I say I will “Go The Distance,” it’s like my mind finding anything intelligent. Or having a family that includes more than a four-legged friend. What about being *happy.* There’s no space not with my grief and fear. “And Virgil wants room.”

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Tale 269 ~B Gives Virgil Space~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… To the moon and back? How about if the sun should refuse to rise, love?

You’ll have to forgive a friend here or there texting me about space. And you know your husband has always been into Star Wars. For that, I won’t apologize. But distance, space, and the void? My love, have you yet to understand how great my son was in this existence?

What do I mean was? Take yesterday, for example. Anytime I’m afraid, or something becomes too overwhelming. I remember the worst thing I’ve survived. Euthanasia! Specifically, the loss of my firstborn son, B III. And then everything else seems livable.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, I took Virgil to the groomers. While waiting for him, I saw a dog crate that doubled as a nightstand. A place for B III and 2V, my love. My furry sons.

The idea of making space for them both together? And yet Braxton in his box. Or wherever he exists. And Virgil lying in a soft bed underneath. They’re both far.

Remember earlier this morning when Virgil Vivi was upset over the storm? Whether he was in our room or Braxton’s, the space between him and me doesn’t matter, my love.

I was driving to pick Virgil Vivi up, and I was thinking. If PetSmart harmed him? I have two words for them. John Wick. But I can’t say I love Virgil. Nowhere near my Braxton

But What About The Rest Of Us? V isn’t going anywhere. And there are always you, our children, and a few friends. I’m not counting myself. The man I am. I want him far away.

Only that’s the man you fell in love with. Underneath these clothes is an endless story. And the man you chose. I swear, Shakira, Shakira, ha-ha! Bragging about my manhood?

But seriously, The Space In Between Us, my love, this is what I’ve been thinking about all morning. I keep saying that Braxton is sending me messages from books lately. Between how to keep a fur buddy’s memory alive and Darrow protecting his friends, too.

Now, ask me what that tells me about being close to you, my love. All of my fears, the fence, and our finances. Braxton got so close to me before I knew anything, love. While you had me saying Somethin’ Stupid. B Gives Virgil Space

1150 Days Without B III, Day 591 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 266 ~Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s…~

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Dreaming about writing that doesn’t look like I had to clean up after B or V. But some dreams don’t come true. Like having my Braxton back or reading that spoiler about what happens to Cassius and his family. Booking dreams. Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s

Saturday, March 23, 2024

Tale 266 ~Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… And I would be just as guilty, lazy, and selfish as I was with $700.00. Oh!

Yeah, I woke up, and I’m still that guy hoarding a $700.00 tax refund. It will be less shortly. Like my hours of sleep, Lady Lunalesca. Last night was no good at all. I woke up at three AM. And then there were nightmares when I went back to sleep. Virgil wouldn’t be happy, Lunalesca.

But when is he ever happy? Virgil is only following my example, and that’s not how it’s supposed to work. Dante followed Virgil, not the other way around, My Lady.

Virgil is not crying, which is a good start. I’m not, either. But which is better? Dear Lu, I’m excited this morning. Even with bad dreams, I dream I could stay this revved up. Ha!

This is more a Lady Sophia thing, but good stories…

So I wasn’t thinking about Braxton? “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had,” right? When I dream of Braxton, I’m glad but wake up crying. A vision, a nightmare of Virgil, has me sweating and scared to death. But I’ve yet to join Braxton’s eternity.

Then there are dreams of M Anime, Cherry, or B’s “Honorary” Aunt. Uh? They invoke “other” feelings. Let’s not go there, Luna. Wasn’t I talking about another type of story?

Lunalesca, I dream I was less CRAZY, more CONCISE, and could stay CONSCIOUS for a little longer. When reading a book such as Pierce Brown’s Golden Son. Such a fight!

Some things that get me going… a bully getting his or a Deus ex machina…

Next to having my Braxton back or feeling for Virgil as I did for him, I dream of something coming out of the blue to save me. God? I burned those bridges after Braxton passed. Those ashes are mixed with his and sit on the nightstand and inside my pendant.

Lunalesca, just because Darrow trained with a swordmaster “off the page.” It doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve to give Cassius the business. Spoilers everywhere, Lunalesca…

Anyway, my point is this. Darrow was given his wife Eo’s dream and “works” to make it come true. But while I’m reading about these dreams, what of my sons…

Dreaming for myself only involves doing it forever…never waking up. Lunalesca, I have a dream. But Virgil’s Dreams Given B’s…

1147 Days Without B III, Day 588 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will