Meditation 074 ~How To B Virgil~

How to Build A Fence. Not a wall? I’m not Trump. Last time I checked, Trump didn’t know how to do that either. And Elon Musk? Funny, I see him on my freaky channel when I distract myself from my fears. How to be fearless. “How To B Virgil.”

Friday, September 13, 2024

Meditation 074 ~How To B Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… What! No book review? I’ve read about War, Building Harems, and Cannibalism. What about my son?

Like I’ve said, with Emergence Day and indeed this whole month… “Today is all about you.” So no, I haven’t been reading any books about Braxton or fur buddies passing away in general. And I should be ashamed of how I’ve left Braxton’s Aunt alone with the loss of her Gabe. Is there a book about How To be a better friend? I had Braxton.

Lady Sophia, if I need a How-To manual this week, it would be something like Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. There’s also How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. To think I was once so motivated. When I read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, Braxton was/is still here. Nowadays, it’s more Stayin’ Alive than Motivation.

Or more like bringing life into the world… Here’s a fun fact, Lady Sophia, or at the very least, an interesting one. On my other “X’ Channel, https://x.com/WillsWants. That’s the one where I get all “skeevy.” I tend to get a lot of posts from the likes of Elon Musk and other “people” like that. Pro-Lifers? For the record, I’m Pro-Choice, my dear Lady Sophia.

More to the point, I’m Pro Baby Making Activities. I’m a connoisseur. Movies and books.

I haven’t been reading anything about how to make my existence better, but other guys…
There was The Freshman Experience: A Slice of Life Contemporary Harem (Harem University Book 1) by Dirk Knight. And currently, there’s Camgirl Harem: Zoey: Age Gap MFFF Menage Erotica by Kelli Wolfe. I swear, Sophia…

I often speak to Cherry about art imitating life. In those two books alone, you have a would-be creative writer and an old man… Ahem, he’s 37 with a girl in her early 20’s. (Drools).

If I could read anything right this second, it would be How-To be Fearless. Sophia, I would settle on the lyrics of Be Not So Fearful. That’s one more thing that shows that Braxton did not reincarnate to Virgil. Braxton wasn’t scared until he realized we weren’t going “home.” Virgil is afraid all the time, and so am I. It’s why I read about boys, bosoms, bravery, and bucks. How To Not Fear the Wind. That was yesterday’s storm. Fixing Fences? How To B Virgil

1321 Days Without B III, Day 762 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 073 ~AB Honor Roll Virgil~

Thursday, September 12, 2024

Meditation 073 ~AB Honor Roll Virgil~

1320 Days Without B III, Day 761 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I am my father’s son. Though he would ask, “How Was Your Day?” Those days…

I shouldn’t have made it past those days, Braxton. I shouldn’t have made it past my 40th Emergence Day. And yet here we are. I know you don’t like me speaking like this, B III.

Should I go back to crying over you? Or what about thinking about your Aunt? How is Gabe doing, by the way? Is he wherever you are? For now, Braxton, that’s at the foot of the bed this Tuesday afternoon. It’s Tuesday, September 10, 2024, to be precise. So working… Braxton that has become “the great fear” since Emergence Day has come and gone. Sigh.

The manager asked me about Emergence Day. At least last year, there were cupcakes, B.

I hate Emergence Day, as always, but I like eating.

And while we’re on the subject of eating… “the great fear?” That’s a reference to The Road. I was the man, and you were my little boy. You were never starving… Okay, you might have had dirty water, but that was during that period I was intentionally starving myself. That’s not a fun way to die. I should stop now before I end up crying over you again. B III. There must be a simpler way of saying that money’s tight around here. My mouth

“All I know is the child is my warrant, and if he is not the word of God, then God never spoke.” ― The Road

Cannibalism? Yes, I’m still thinking about that book Meat by Joseph D’Lacey. It was a more visceral Tender Is The Flesh by Agustina Bazterrica. I’m not that hungry, B III.

Seriously, with what I’m reading now… Meat going in mouths…

Eww! That’s gross. Talking to you about such things… And I remember you, Braxton sitting on the floor as I tried to explain why you shouldn’t “have the stones” to “hump” your toys when your Aunt was around. Or to get all up in her yabbos. Your father’s son, indeed. We were both horn dogs. But we needed to be better. Braxton, you were better.

But here I am at forty… Well, you were around eighty, right? Anyway. I’m forty and trying to figure out what or how I will eat. I’m tearing myself apart bite by bite, I know.

School days were the worst, and that was before all the “problems.” And at the Day Job? To have better grades… AB Honor Roll Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 071 ~Virgil’s Happy To B…~

Wednesday, September 4, 2024. Just make it past E-Day. Get past E-Day. “If you’re going through hell. Keep on going.” That was me and my B. “Run, boy, run.” But to be happy wherever… Not in the womb or pet hospital. But V’s here. Virgil’s Happy To B…

Tuesday, September 10, 2024

Meditation 071 ~Virgil’s Happy To B…~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? You are the love of my life. Every moment, every single second, I am filled with love for you. To be in love with you is my greatest joy, my deepest desire. Please believe me.

A little less of a horndog… How about to be here? And happy? Two things, my love. Sigh, horndog or hound dog… I’m loyal to you and no other. You know the man you married.

And you know, my love, that I struggle with happiness. It’s a concept that often eludes me. When was the last time I truly felt happy? I’m not sure, but I need to explore this. We should focus on the present, on being ‘Here and Now ‘. Like right this second, Wednesday, September 4, 2024.

B III is still gone. But do I feel the need to talk about him? No. There art thou happy! Today, I’m not ready to be happy. I’m not ready to celebrate. I’m petrified, love. Not only hard for… you.

I feel comfortable making jokes about adult situations but not about celebrating Emergence Day. And what is the leading cause of Emergence Day? Being in an adult situation. So why can’t I be an adult and make a decision? And that’s how much to spend.

There is no price for my family’s happiness. But since I can’t bring back the dead or build a time machine. And love is not a prize; it’s a gift or the instructions. How-To Love.

My darling, you know that I love you with all my heart. I love you, our family, our friends. But when it comes to me, happiness isn’t in sight… Yet, I strive to be the best for you and our children. Like breathing, it’s natural.

So I’ve been sitting here contemplating how much to spend.

“Money can’t buy me love…” Did I say that out loud with the business that I’m in? Again, with the jokes. I don’t remember Emergence Days without my son. That’s how horrible they were. At least with Braxton, it meant no alarm clocks. B III got steak and fries, ha-ha.

Only sometimes. I met Braxton’s aunt on Emergence Day because she didn’t want me to spend it alone. Well, at least without human interaction. Braxton Barks was none too pleased.

Darling, it’s less than a hundred bucks. I tell Lunalesca that I’m a billionaire. Would I be happy if I had the fortunes of the Amazon, X, and my novel CEOs? “We can be heroes just for one day.” Happy? Me? Virgil’s Happy To B…

1318 Days Without B III, Day 759 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 067 ~B There Tomorrow, Virgil~

Well, I hope my boys have better things to do. Braxton, rest… in peace. Not cool. Virgil acts up when I leave, so he’ll be in B’s room. As for me, I set up for E-Day. The bunker, a bunch of food, bedroom hopes… Without B There Tomorrow, Virgil.

Friday, September 6, 2024

Meditation 067 ~B There Tomorrow, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… As I was telling my son yesterday. I’m not happy. Ever?

If I talk to the Man In The Mirror, I’ll feel something. You can count that as a win… But today? There’ll be no book review. And what’s this forty-year-old’s story. Well nearly… We’ll see.

Battle Stations! It’s not supposed to be this way, but here we are… without Braxton.

“Today is all about you.” Me, Me, Me. But yes, Virgil is here as well. I have yet to do nearly anything to clean the house. I’m not expecting company. Well, food delivery. I could go all “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” and hire a “special friend.” Seriously? Would I ever.

And what is it with me and films with Steve Carell? I mentioned The 40-Year-Old Virgin the other day. Hell! When was my last time with a woman? If I am riding out the end.

Sophia, it’s not an apocalypse. It’s only Emergence Day. One more for the books, right?

Not the beeps, boops, and bills I’ll have to read through tomorrow. There was a big one yesterday? $100.00! That was barely enough to cover four 12 packs of soda, some odds and ends. I had street tacos and wings. And let us not forget an E-Day cake, Lady Sophia.

Today, there’ll be more. More baked goods. I’ll have a beautiful woman cut my hair.

There’s been a bunch of spam lately. People I’ve never heard of… wanting to be friends or offer financial planning. How do I know? The phone rings once, and they never call back again, Sophia. But my Olds? Please, not today or E-Day. They are the greatest fear I know.

Worse than me talking to Lady Lunalesca. Sadly, she drew the short straw this year. Tomorrow or, more likely, today, I’ll have to tell her how I wish my Emergence Day was. I won’t hear from Braxton’s Aunt because she knows how I feel about the day. M Anime has her life. And Cherry will probably have me reading her latest work. I take it.

It’ll beat talking about a ton of Yabbos. Yelling, moaning, and screaming in adult poses… Your boy might post a few pictures in his Emergence Day suit for OnlyFans… for $100 a pop. Nobody’s paying that! But it would be a story or something. Fortieth E-Day B There Tomorrow, Virgil.

1314 Days Without B III, Day 755 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 066 ~Will, B, Happy? Virgil~

When’s the last time I’ve said “It Was a Good Day?” “I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow.” A man without gratitude. One who doesn’t count his blessings. A man… not even at forty, which I’ll be very soon. I’d rather find my son again. Will, B, Happy? Virgil

Thursday, September 5, 2024

Meditation 066 ~Will, B, Happy? Virgil~

1313 Days Without B III, Day 754 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Today, I’m going to tell you about one, Braxton. But before I do this, please understand. Happiness is not my nature. Even when you were here. Also, let’s think about breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Really? Your way of timekeeping. A reminder of our shared moments.

“When I wake up in the morning, love. And the sunlight hurts my eyes,” plays on the radio. I see you staring back at me. You’re not sitting on my head or guarding the door.

We’re not back-to-back. You lick my nose, so of course, you must be hungry. But I have a little bit of money, so I order breakfast. The only people we’ll see today are delivery people and Daddy’s special friends… I let you play outside as I sip a cappuccino. When the vittles arrive, I will fix you a little buffet, and you will think it’s Christmas. But it’s Emergence Day.

“And in this moment, I am happy.” Happy to be…

Alive! With You! Older! But Braxton, “You know I’m a big boy, and big boys have desires,” seriously. Hey! You like your Aunt’s Yabbos. But first, we need food, and you need a mom. And Mexican food is a good idea. And getting it on with the maid… As I said, “special friends.” We did share with you until our movie time… Netflix and Chill?

Would you rather I lock you up or close the door for “adult time.” If I’m forty, you would be nineteen. Still, I don’t need my puppy seeing me and a pretty brunette. Your mom?

Well, no. But you know what it means when you hear Sade’s Smooth Operator playing. My cue for my privacy…

Anyway. Woke her up after fun… she didn’t hesitate to call Big Will the top gun. Did I do any writing today since I’m busy ripping off Ice Cube? “It Was A Good Day,” B.

However, it’s not over yet. Your Aunt wants to come over and spend what’s left of the day with us. You know I go all out for dinner. Steak and lobster. I actually looked up whether dogs can have lobster. Of course, you get another plate for yourself as your Aunt, and I watch movies. Cherry and M Anime send “gifts.” Those I don’t share.

Your Aunt leaves, but there’s a knock. Braxton, I think I just met my wife.

Somehow. Will, B, Happy? Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 064 ~Virgil Will B Celebrating…~

Where will I be by the time you read this? Still existing? Everyone knows how I feel about E-Day, and it’s so close now. Am I excited? The word I’m looking for is Eww! Eff E-Day! But if Virgil gets some expensive vittles… “Virgil Will B Celebrating…”

Tuesday, September 3, 2024

Meditation 064 ~Virgil Will B Celebrating…~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Our children. And Virgil? We’re both trying today. It’s Monday, August 26, 2024, my love.

But do I love you enough to forget… Who, Braxton? You know not to ask me that. And even the weeks when I cry out to the Heavens… STAY ALIVE! Even when I said I would be purely selfish for two weeks. I can never forget about my Lost Boy, my son, my Braxton. So allow me to get nerdy with this when it comes to me and my firstborn:

“Let me just say that… our relationship is beyond friendship, beyond family.” And I will (never) let him go. And you hope you can cope. For the record, I stole most of that from Star Trek’s Guinan, so you know.

But what’s the question I have been asking myself these two weeks, dear baby doll?

Can I let you and the kids celebrate me for one whole day? Can I celebrate just for one day? Can I not hate myself on E-Day? Can I not be afraid for a day? Can I listen to my son the way I didn’t when he died? Can I be happy? My son was the first to ask that of me, love. That’s something you and he share, and that is no insult. You’re here, and B… Hell! Come Existence Day, all he wanted was some fries and some steak, and he would party, my love. But these two weeks, I either want to cower, cry or… what’s that one naughty C-word? Uh, cream…

You know the one for Madoka Araki, Natsuno, Tomoko, Tsubaki

Ironic that while I cry and pray for my extinction before E-Day. All I want to do is be at some pretty “entrance…” Yours, my darling wife. And exist with the notion of creating life. I mourn my existence and the loss of Braxton’s life. It’s the same coin, beloved.

Celebrating who I am… Who am I? How can I celebrate a man that I have never lived for, my love? You ask me to pretend, and I look into your eyes. Your eyes and not your Yabbos. You have fantastic Yabbos, and I can answer that truthfully. But pretending? It’s a struggle, my love, a struggle with self-acceptance… Who am I, a doctor? Please!

Celebrating? I’ll do my best. And hope that, as Sean Connery put it, you’re the prom queen, my love. Effing E-Day. Virgil Will B Celebrating…

1311 Days Without B III, Day 752 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 060 ~Braxton And Virgil On-Call~

B and V are here. On-call. The ghost and a “good dog…” 2-V tries his best. Even now, he sits here as I write post after post. And a book review of something too dark for me? Beheadings, barbed wire. Because of such evils. “Braxton And Virgil On-Call”

Friday, August 30, 2024

Meditation 060 ~Braxton And Virgil On-Call~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… About how I commune with the dead? Or what turns me on at any given moment.

No, My Lady. When you and I have our chats, I talk about my son… Sons? And whatever book I’ve chosen to read. I wish that B was alive. And I don’t think I’ll keep reading Matt Shaw’s books. But we’ll get to that. What about facing Emergence, Existence, Extinction…

I’m talking to you today, Sunday, August 18, 2024… Imagining the future. My future revolved around writing books and being somewhere with Braxton and many women. But no. I’m still at the Day Job. And not on-call for when inspiration strikes? In bed alone, hmm.

Sophia, right now, I have a scared Virgil on my lap because of the rain. I wish the storm would blow even harder. Past this book review of The Call:

The Call Over The Line

Three Stars… It should be two. Even one? Did I like this book? Well, Am I A Psycho? The fact that I’ve read only one other title from Matt Shaw… I’m better off not answering that question. The darkness I liked, but why it was terrible… Kids. There is a line, and this crossed it in deviant, depraved, disgusting ways. Geez! It would have been awesome if it had stayed between the caller and the wife. Her playing… But once the dildo and “other” characters were introduced, I was done. Brutal violence? Yes! But afterward… Every friend I have would be horrified if I ever gave this to them. The lesson… Don’t cheat, and let’s leave the kids out of it. This goes too far.

And speaking of too far, what about “my” story “Sofía’s Nightmare?” It still doesn’t have a title. And it won’t be getting one today. The Day Job needs me, this work, and you ha-ha. Braxton and Virgil wouldn’t care what I wrote down as long as I could be on-call for them. Braxton would still be alive… How many books tell me otherwise? Too many!

Sophia, I wouldn’t have been in a rage at the Day Job and indifferent to my son’s needs. I could have done something. I should think of that when I need to get it up to be at the Dining Room table. Braxton’s yowling does more than Hannah Harper’s Yabbos or Lupe Fuentes… “Appeal.” Better Inspiration? Braxton And Virgil On-Call.

1307 Days Without B III, Day 748 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 059 ~Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil~

Fight or Flight? I wish I could say I’m a lover, not a fighter. But if there is one thing that makes me fly… Besides a pretty face or one of my boys needing me, it’s fear. The Earth rumbling beneath me into Hell. But, “Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil.”

Thursday, August 29, 2024

Meditation 059 ~Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil~

1306 Days Without B III, Day 747 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Today… Tuesday, August 20, 2024, to be precise. I was falling out of bed. Almost.

Should I blame myself or Virgil? What a way to go, my friend. Only to this day, I believe you wanted to stay. Hell! You fought for weeks against sickness, starvation, and your stupid Daddy. I heard this joke the other day about a newlywed couple looking at each other, and the maid of honor said, “You’re looking at the person most likely to (take you out). I guess you had to be there. But my point is, being father and son, I never expected…’

Well, the first death that I caused would be that of my son. Euthanasia, Braxton. I wouldn’t discuss this with your aunt, but you could ask Gabe. Was it easier to leave his Mom on his own terms? I wonder.

Why am I so down? Uh, I don’t mean with V kicking me off the bed. Oh! He should have. Let me hit my head on the “TV Tray” and roll to the floor. And then just drift away, B? More like flying to you. Am I still under the impression that I’m going to Heaven? Is the Rainbow Bridge part of Paradise? If yes, then there’s no chance. If not, then we could be together again. For all I know, you took Cerberus’s job, and we’ll guard Hell’s Gates.

Heaven would be smothered by a puppy who loves me or a pretty girl sitting on my face. Eww! I’m sorry, B. Remember when you got “The Talk…” So awkward.

Remember when you were all up in your Aunt’s Yabbos? Or when you were sitting in her lap, you little traitor. Those were the days, Braxton. I’m kidding about your Treachery… Betrayal? That was me.

It’s what inspires me today or a few days ago when it was storming, and V was sitting in my lap, scared to death. He was shaking so hard I felt the floor was going to break beneath us. And I was reminded of how you did the same thing when you saw the end.

But when I held you for the last time… I raised you up. I promised you would be as tall as a king, and you would become even taller. Angel, God, Titan? Daddy is a worm. Braxton’s Looking Fly, Virgil

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Meditation 057 ~Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating~

Virgil doesn’t hate. He’s bored to tears. V can’t stand the rain. And after 745 days, he’s not exactly… Um, I’m no one to talk about brains. Almost 40, what do I know? Harems and Netorare. I miss my son. And I hate myself. Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating

Tuesday, August 27, 2024

Meditation 057 ~Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I love the family we have made together. I am endlessly grateful for your presence in my life. I will always love Braxton. And, Virgil…

I am trying, my love. Hell! Virgil claimed the center of the bed this morning. And he seems more than happy. And what about me? Am I happy? We might never speak again with our conversation just yesterday. Meditation 064 Virgil Will B Celebrating… Hmm.

I’ve a better chance of learning Time Travel than happiness when it comes to E-Day, the day I began existing. But everything I say, possibly my last words, will be out of Hatred, Sadness, or outright Fear. Love. Yesterday, there was a lot of hate. This Is America, and I’m an old African American man. And getting older… Effing E-Day. I got enemies, got a lot of enemies but I am my own worst enemy. And why is that? Braxton thought I was pretty great.

And while I’m busy quoting songs, here’s another “I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.” This song resonates with me after Braxton died, as I thought I was singing to him, my beloved. Then, I thought that the pain of my son’s loss would eventually drive you away. Next to Braxton, those that love me… You, Braxton’s Aunt, M Anime loves everybody… platonically, a good girl ha-ha!

Have I read what Cherry has written today? And what about my Olds? There’s Virgil.

Just like happiness, I can’t say I’ve ever loved myself. But there’s the Possibility. And that was because Braxton was here. As I’ve been saying, my battle cry should be… STAY ALIVE. But it was never for me, alone. To be someone that I actually love… Someone with a purpose. I struggle with this, and I hope you can understand.

If life’s a game made for everyone, then love isn’t the prize. No, love is the instruction manual. And on the day my son left this world, and I entered it. Love, that’s Game Over.

January 31st and E-Day. These are the days I hate myself the most. But at least with Braxton, there is so much love that I had for him, and it’s like it couldn’t help but overflow. Drowning? No, I sailed.

It brought me to you. It gave us our kids. Allows me to love my friends. It even found V? I’m grateful for the love and support I’ve received, and I hope you know how much it means to me.

It makes me grateful for all my “adult animation” sins these days. I’m still finding things to watch and to inspire “my” novel.” Gross? Absolutely.

But nine months later, January to E-Day. I swear, another year older, I still hate myself. Love? You try. Virgil tries. Virgil (Shouldn’t) B Hating.

1304 Days Without B III, Day 745 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 053 ~Virgil’s So Random Braxton~

Virgil’s random? Only when he decides to get sick. Or when he chooses what to decorate in what shade of sickness. Maybe it’s my mood. This is why I choose to read about other people’s moods. Nothing as dull as “Randomize…” Virgil’s So Random Braxton.

Friday, August 23, 2024

Meditation 053 ~Virgil’s So Random Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Uh… Do I have any of Virgil? He barked at a possum. He “handled” my nephews…

Virgil has been here 741 Days by the time you’re reading this, and I don’t have anything of note. Braxton has been gone 1300 Days, and he has two novels. God knows how many memories. And remind me to post on social media how long it’s been since he passed.

Nothing is random, My Lady. Everything is scheduled down to the minute. Or at least that’s true when I’ve downed an energy drink on a Sunday afternoon. Sunday, August 18, 2024, to be specific. And now the ideas are flowing in, especially with the schedule.

Sophia, I often find myself drawn to writing when I’m reminded of the day job. Braxton’s passing, random women, scenarios, urges, and, don’t forget, a book review. Andy Weir’s Randomize:

Randomize Something Cause I’m Bored

Three Stars… And one of those is purely off of reputation and “respect” for a friend. But did I like Randomize… It was short and wasn’t horrible. But pretty boring…

I’m no genius, but the technical babble was utterly random. That puts you in the shoes of the pretty clever casino owner. I suppose. That was the best part. But I don’t want to spoil it. But near the end, when he was matching wits with such and such. However, while I am a fan of life imitating art or vice versa, I would turn on the news. If I wanted to see or read something like this. My friends are tired enough. But if they need a sleeping aid…

I don’t like giving “bad” reviews because I have my writing, which is trash. And isn’t that a horrible thing to say with everything and everyone that inspires my writing? There’s, of course, my son. M Anime and Cherry. Many “pretty, pretty, pretty girls” like the song “Beast of Burden.”

What about those random thoughts of mine? Lupe Fuentes and Hannah Harper. And they’ll be more to incorporate into “my” story. Why? Because I can’t work on it right now.

The Day Job can be so random. I can say the same about sleep. I woke up at 3:30 AM today and couldn’t take a 20-minute nap. I’m too busy reading the calendar and so many books. A word… Forty. Eww! Virgil’s So Random Braxton.

1300 Days Without B III, Day 741 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will