Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

I remember when I gained a pretty good drug connection thanks to my “Olds,” and I didn’t appreciate it back then, now “good” drugs are kinda expensive but to be fair, I wouldn’t be medicating for the right reasons. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours

Monday, December 25, 2017

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

Twelfth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, this isn’t the twelve days of Christmas for if it were, I would find myself locked in an insane asylum but then again here I am talking to you. Strange that the traditional white room is for everyone else but the blank white page is for me, and this is what I mean by medication for me.

Medication, Meditation, Meditation, sometimes they have been choices and others times forces beyond my control, I still remember I would dance when I would flush the meds my “father” would give me. Okay so this isn’t sounding so much about Christmas, but the truth has always been a gift, and like life itself sometimes I wish I could return it, get a refund, read the reviews of what other people have thought about it. Other people, anytime I have tried to kill myself it has been all for other people, and that’s the lesson, my life, health, and death have always been for those people.

When I was on medication, even to this day it’s not been me I’m ever worried about, I hurt, I suffer, and when I am getting well it’s to make them fill better and not me. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped with the meds; I told Indiana Gone that I would fill so angry afterward because those pills were making me not be me. I could tell you about some chemical or something, but people did the damage, and then they expect me to find the cure, and even my death would just make their lives better, or maybe it’s like how they talk of suicide I might hurt them.

Maybe I don’t need a cure; perhaps they are the symptom of a sick, sad world, suppose I am the cure, but I give myself too much credit don’t I Madam Justice? Tomorrow things will go back to normal, and again I will be stuck with the truth, I’ll have me, just one day and didn’t I say last night that I need to have faith that ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!’ as Bob Marley believed right?

Speaking of music though I won’t belt out love is the answer or even a problem a few funerals won’t solve. The point is if I want to get high if I want to fix whatever’s broken, if I want to be well, it shouldn’t be for anyone else… now, Medicate for Your Protection, Yours.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 170 ~Live Life According to You~

If the law scares me why am I my own worst enemy having to create my own, how about if I break a rule which I seem to do every single day, and yet I continue to write more when I can’t even follow number one? Live Life According to You

Monday, December 18, 2017

Lesson 170 ~Live Life According to You~

Eleventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear isn’t that what you came for, my rules, things I’m learning to honestly live my life and not just survive it because that’s just it isn’t it. I survive according to me, but if we can call any of this living, I live according to other people’s expectations.

For a few days, I’ve felt this nagging suspicion, somehow I might find myself fired, and why is that I ask you because I wear hoodies, I’m quiet because I’m not like other people and why ever do they think I hate them so? The scary thing is even my rules are a reflection of the world I live in, how I must live and don’t get me wrong, I’m not discounting the rules, unless I’m dead life must be… endured? If anything though this experiment itself is doomed to failure, how many books have been written trying to tell anyone and everyone how to live and yes sometimes I think it would be easier to become Didi Pickles and refer to Dr. Lipschitz, why do you think religion works?

Even if I listened to no one else, my body betrays me, like something out of Co-Ed Confidential, remember, the whole vote with your head, gut, and heart and James said vote with your crotch. Speaking of which it’s getting HARDER, you know what I’m talking about, but as I told some of the others, I’ve nearly made it a month, and of course, the record is forty days. I guess it also doesn’t help that I’m a man who doesn’t know how to sell a contradiction as the song suggests; maybe these are all suggestions, or ideas like it is in that movie Dogma.

See the thing is life is continually changing so how can anything be set in stone, I mean if I was living why am I denying myself but didn’t I say yesterday I want to adopt habits that keep me out of Hell. Then again that’s them talking I’m doing things because I honestly believe I can be better, I should be better. Only the final question comes down to, for who, these people I despise, the man I’m not sure I can be, my future wife, my dog who is busy with his desires but the rules come anyway.

Maybe when I finally found out who I am, I can genuinely begin just to Live Life According to You.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

I suppose I just have to make room, life is getting heavier all the time and I can’t carry everything, hell there are times I don’t even want to try and yet here I am anyway. Weak In The Knees and not over some girl

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and what else is there to say, even now I’m still sitting in my bed; have you ever heard the expression, don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Good health, some semblance of dignity, what about money, how much I miss a few bucks.

The madness is all in my head of course, but you know how much I look for the worst case scenario and now my eyes hurt or I’m just imagining getting broken glass in them. Yes I know, ouch but that hasn’t happened but it is moving closer to Halloween an how about the idea of losing all your guts, yeah as I told Lady Sophia, no more eating at work. Maybe it is too bad that I don’t have nightmares because I’m oversleeping all the time except to go to work or take care of my son of course.

I swear I was at the vet the other day and my voice was reaching so high up trying to catch any air, my anxiety, of course, was wearing me down. What about cutting the grass and my lungs were burning, all the times I have seen death and when I finally feel like I’m dying it’s doing the household chores, that would’ve been a jip.

Speaking of getting robbed, is life just getting more expensive or what, empires may be built out of stone but if that’s the case what is happening to all my gold, already this is going to be the worse year yet from a financial standpoint. It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a miser but I’m also gentlemen and again this begs the question why do I continue in my day job if I’m unhappy with the situation? This again goes back to my anxiety, after the days I have here I am not lovesick but living like a man just waiting for the grim reaper to show.

If you’re going to do what it takes to survive, why not live if you’re going to be sick at least feel like you’re missing something other than making a few pennies at work. So have I learned this yet or maybe there is something deeper and more meaningful but that’s just another job I’m not doing because there is getting to be too much Lady Lu, and sooner or later, I’ll just fall down, that’s where she’ll find me, not Weak In The Knees.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 105 ~Only Human After All~

Everything breathes and I know each breath as the song goes but no I don’t, I keep breathing and it seems each one breath just gets harder as the days go by, but I’m a man and not a monster, usually. Only Human After All

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Lesson 105 ~Only Human After All~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but I did miss the hell out of you this past week and I wish I could remember most of it; should I go back to the old way, seeing as how I have yet to give the others any real form or substance? I could say that about myself, because isn’t it weird, you remember life but not how to live, and while you don’t remember how you survived, when you need to, you do it, without any hesitation.

If we’re talking about today, I made my bed, I can’t remember who said this but always start by making your bed, or walking Braxton depending on the day, yard work, the chores as usual. Can’t say I have much to be proud of this week other than I made money and I’m still here and that is what matters isn’t it, even if that is all there is. Have I been living the rules… I must admit I’ve retreated back to form either because of people’s idiocy and of course my own exhaustion really.

You ever stop to think, maybe that’s why the caveman never spoke or let’s say took the time to establish a language, considering every breath was so precious. It makes sense in the realm of monsters as well since zombies don’t breathe, neither do vampires, what about a few staples of monster movie “folklore” and other monsters are only beasts, so do they see breath the same way that we do, you know what I mean. Humans are the only ones that might think about it, like time, an animal breathes never knowing what breath might be their last, then again I know that animals treasure memories, while I forget.

This is what makes us worse Lady Lu, humans I mean, we anesthetize with anything and everything just to get by, I can tell you the last movie I watched, the last book I read, the last dumb decision that made me feel good but everything else is just dull or fear. Isn’t that why I’m keeping a journal and I don’t want to come back and read it, I only look to surviving tomorrow.

So what have I learned today, that I’m guilty and would be a worthy victim for John Kramer/The Jigsaw Killer, again with the pop culture Luna, Only Human After All?

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

How much time you got or should I just say I’m afraid of the whole world… thankfully that would be a lie but the truth is I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I Will Have No Fear, sooner or later but it’s been more than 66 Days

Monday, October 9, 2017

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

First Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear but honestly You know I could go on for forever and a day when it comes to fear, a toss-up between the things that scare me and the things I wish I could believe. So what does this rule mean to me, no real deeper meaning being my first rule, simple and direct?

“Please explain to me just once, why.
Because I’m afraid!

You don’t think your dad ever felt afraid?
If he did,
he figured out some way to beat it.

Yeah, well, there’s a word for that:
Courage” Green Lantern (2011)

Fear Justice, is a disease, it’s a freaking plague, like a zombie virus, it keeps you moving, keeps you seeking something and in the end what do you do with it? I don’t want to be like my father and that in itself is fear but how does he cover up his fear, anger, hate, do I really need to quote Yoda here. Like most things in my life, I believe if I ever find the root cause of it maybe I can find a way to overcome it but that’s not possible is it?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Master Yoda, Star Wars Franchise

Anxiety Justice, “Indiana Gone” wonders how I sleep so well, nightmares usually aren’t a concern, it’s real life so maybe I should list ten things that scared me just today:

01. Leaving Braxton by himself
02. Going to work
03. Getting the door for coworkers
04. Being overwhelmed at work
05. Multiple meetings (huddle)
06. Being called out by coworkers
07. Walking Braxton
08. Kneeling to check if the ground was cool enough for Braxton (Neighbors have a Flag)
09. Anything happening to Braxton, itchy, toenail stuck in collar ring, etc.
10. Work tomorrow and company after
“Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!” Fight Club (1999)

This is why I constantly quote this rule Justice if anything I should have gone fight club with it and quoted it twice but that will be for next week. Speaking of which I read somewhere that it takes 66 days for something to become a habit and here I am with one hundred lessons, oh right and writing scares me to which is why I’m so late with this, wondering if I’m making any sense at all.

I’m scared that I’m losing my mind, splitting all these ideas up in my mind you know but since this is in relation to the first rule, I’m scared of what people will think of me. How about being scared that no one is thinking of me at all, and in both of those scenarios what will I do then.

There is nothing to learn this is something I know, I Will Have No Fear

“Thou Art Courageous” Spoken to Link, The Legend of Zelda

“Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it. I stand here, before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? No, I stand here without fear because I remember.” Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 099 ~Kill You Right Now~

Some days I die and am born anew, other days I am resurrected, but today I’m not sure if I like the man I am but tomorrow I will have to be braver, and I shouldn’t try to weaken that man today. “Kill You Right Now”, no I still have work tonight

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Lesson 099 ~Kill You Right Now~

To Will:
No Fear and so I ask who the hell do you think you’re talking to and why is this even a lesson, and Luna must be feeling pretty bad right now. To be honest, I haven’t even seen you today and I was just about to go outside looking like whatever, didn’t I even want to try and I don’t know be better.

Well, look better because being better is going to take a lot more time and courage than I have today and already I know you’re going to braver. Which brings us back to the question, who the hell am I talking to because, if you are my future I salute your courage, I pity what tomorrow will bring but you will be braver than me I know that much is certain. So what is all this talk about killing, I mean whoever I am this moment, do I want to die, I know the man yesterday didn’t want to, what’s the name of this one, Hurricane Nate and we both want what’s best for Braxton.

Maybe I need to find our similarities, rather than our differences because again you will be strong and I’m weak, you’ll be forced into courage, and for now, I don’t have to be, you’ll be stressed out and I’m just going to be so tired. You’ll work harder though, while I get to dick around on my computer and as I think about our mutual friend, there is always hope isn’t there? I suppose I’ll have blue balls and you might meet someone, I get to laugh about and you’ll be a nervous wreck, what the Hell am I saying.

I want you to be better than me Will, can you promise me that, maybe that’s the lesson, I’m still talking to me but I can already see the damage I’m doing to you, psyching you out and you have a week that you need to survive. No, I say survive but I want you to live, I want to stop hurting you and instead imagine the future that awaits you; I’ll worry about five minutes but you live four days for that is what is required, it’s not fair.

You’ll be richer which is a plus, I won’t kill me or you because there is hope for you yet just too much to want to kill you right now.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 094 ~Whole Lot Of World~

It all started with a hole in my shoe today but I can get new shoes, it’s words that are awfully expensive, just ask whoever makes gravestones; am I incapable of being positive? “Whole Lot Of World”, these days and I’m only seeing the ugly.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Lesson 094 ~Whole Lot Of World~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, there is a whole lot of world, after all, that’s me being positive just so you know because I was thinking the lesson would be Hole In The World and that’s true as well. You know I figured I had discovered the meaning of life before, have I shared that with you… anyway since this is only a working idea for the moment, I think maybe the ‘purpose’ is to fill the holes, and there are just so many Luna.

In our own way we are all gravediggers and maybe to avoid that fate we seek lives worth remembrance, and in that we become immortal. Take myself as an example, I want to be a writer, can’t say I will ever be a good one but I want people to see my words, possibly hear them, I want them to feel those little gaps in our brain, hell I told somebody once, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I would like to be a virus. Also, I can’t say I don’t find let’s say a “Hostel” concept to be somewhat intriguing my lady.

Today my eyes were sort of wonky and you know I had one of those weird thoughts I do, this time it was about going blind because I ate a pickle but that being said I figured if I ever did go blind just kill me. With my luck, some blind person will be offended but I thought of all the holes we have and how we are in a constant need to feel them, mouths with words, eyes with beauty, ears with voices. All of this can be done by one person, a hole in the heart perhaps, you start with one at a time isn’t that right, one person trying to get to the bottom of you perhaps.

I’m still trying to do that myself, how many times have I thought of myself as one of “The Walking Dead” and I just need to be exhumed sort of like “Warm Bodies”. There is some good news, I noticed I survived the days of Sapphire though I still feel ‘anxiety” when I hear something outside, today it was the garbage truck, not the police.

So what have I learned today, other than I should listen to something other than my own insecurities, that I should see something beautiful, other than hentai, as always I’m full of crap but there’s a Whole Lot Of World?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 044 ~Resilience~

This is pretty much my status quo, rambling on about anything and nothing but at least I get to see myself do and read how crazy I was but I survive. Resilience, the word just seems to be my nature, taking everything and just holding on because.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Lesson 044 ~Resilience~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, you know the expression your body is a temple… yeah, mine is more a dystopian wasteland that I’ve just learned to navigate, and windows the windows are clean and aren’t broken. My eye exam went off without a hitch, no better, no worse, just about the same thankfully.

“You’re in love. Have a beer.

Oh, my body’s a temple.

Well, now it’s an amusement park.” – Hellboy II

About the same, in pretty much all circumstances that’s a win, hell in most parts of the world, maintaining the status quo is all that ever matters. I’ve told you that I can’t really afford better or to take such risk and yet I want Braxton to be better, but that’s what parents do with their children right. We want them to have it better than we ever did, though I’ll outlive Braxton, so it appears that way, considering species.

The thing is not so much that we are okay but that we “fake it till we make it” I’ve always hated that saying but we have to be okay because the world won’t have it any other way. Why does the world make us try so hard because we can’t bear to see another in pain… please, we see that all the time and yet I can’t stand to watch those sad commercials with animals. I even thrive on seeing how much we can take, I want to know how much a person can take and keep on wanting me, just on the fact that I do nothing and people don’t want me around.

“Now say it! You’re going to be okay. Say it! You’re going to be okay! Say the goddamn words. You’re going to be okay!

Oh, god!

Say the goddamn fucking words! Say it!

I’m okay, Larry

Correct! Correct.

I’m okay.” – from Reservoir Dogs (1992)

I told, “Indiana Gone” we are constantly saying we’re sorry but what else can we do, it’s up to the person to survive even if we intervene. We’re survivors Luna, at the end of the day we just keep going and I can only wonder what we would do if we were free of this.

Allowed to be crazy, allowed to crack, to fall to pieces, to give into the madness, the thought is rather appealing wouldn’t you say. I remember that reality show “Solitary” where one of the contestants said it was like living out what it would be like to live in an insane asylum for a time.

Anything you would do would be a result of your condition, out here I don’t talk and I’m considered crazy, in an institution, I’d still be crazy but more to the point it would be just plain normal. It is such a hassle to just hold it all together for as long as I have to, you wonder why I don’t know who I am, Lady Lu, I am just that damn good, I have to hide from everyone including myself. You know I thought I’ve been writing about a certain subject for a few days now but maybe I’m just trying to escape myself.

These walls are resilient though, too strong, too thick, this body may be a stick my mind is a fortress and as I said all that slips out is the occasional flood of tears or the miasma that normal clouds my mind. It’s the only way I survive, the only way I know how and I can see the writing on the wall and you know what it says, break here, find a way to smash through, however, I can. Now I’m not saying resilience is all bad, some things must remain standing if you stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything isn’t that right.

You just have to think that Atlas wants to put the world down from time to time and if I could give him a breather with all the heaviness in my mind and heart, so much the better. Let everything just come crumbling down and then just see what happens you know, what comes next.

I’m not the only my friend, now normally, you and I don’t discuss “politics” I’m more an embrace the madness, watch the world burn, as I said I only seek to maintain equilibrium for me and Braxton but the rest of the world is starting to crack or stand, I can’t really say right now. White Supremacists, Neo Nazis, KKK, and everything else, the world they thought of is normal is collapsing and now they are taking a stand, of course, I’m on the other side, such a world never benefited everybody else, so these, Supremacists should fall by the way side to be sure.

Hate though Luna is as resilient as anything, why I’m still writing whatever is proof of that, so how do you break it down? I actually looked up that movie “The Women of Brewster Place” yeah I know I’m awfully strange but I was remembering that last scene when they broke down the wall. Anyway do I become more resilient to keep surviving, less and crumble into a mess, I have no earthly idea.

If anything I have been trying to break down some, be more open, we have been talking about this forever but today was my first day out in about three, you know with people, I have to start back going out every day. Sad to say I have lost a bit of that drive, back to day one as it is and what about “The Day”, speaking of which did I almost forget about “M Anime” and getting her a present, and what about Indiana Gone telling me to name something I want. The world is just one big rock and we have to roll along, not that I mind so much in this instance today.

What did I learn today other than the fact I’ll get to watch the world keep burning and maybe I will see the moment when I finally become something more? You know maybe I don’t need to break the wall down, I just need to rise above it, yeah if I can build something with just as much Resilience.

I Will Have No Fear

Checkered Past

Life shouldn’t be a game but who am I to make that call, if anything life should be more than mine, more than black and white, unless we were talking about women but I’m not anymore at least. Checkered Past, so my life was and still is

Jumped and thumped
Bumped and dumped
Across this board called life
Why must I fight

A game I don’t want to play
Anyway
But here I am today

With dreams to be king
Isn’t that the thing
A dream to win
I do but sin

And am made false
At such cost
Waiting for that final loss

Checked again and again
Where do I begin
To leave such a predicament
Confidence?

When I am surrounded
Astounded
Yet bounded

To head to the other side
Try and survive
This board
A want to be more

Than a drama queen
A king
I want to be…

Oh checkmate
I am far too late
Because of what is true
And what I was made into

That’s my ass
At last
My future is my Checkered Past

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.