Gospel 344 ~Remember To B III~

Remember to Be Free of guilt, to Breathe Free, and damn I should add more beef to my diet, but no, and why not. B III isn’t here anymore, and that isn’t my freedom; it is his from the pain, and I need to know that. “Remember To B III.”

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Gospel 344 ~Remember To B III~

130 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Mine B III begins with a promise I made to apologize to you. I’m sorry.

Be Free of the guilt I carry… NEVER. Even before we started talking today, I burst into tears. At least I’m free of my bed this morning. I made it up, if only to feel like I did ok now. God knows it wasn’t being your Daddy. A strange Dad joke it is when I told you to Be Free, B III? You’d come back. My B had to run the yard. So am I a prison warden, my son? A mourner, a missionary, trying to regain monk status. Things can’t and will not go back to the way they were. This was your place, and I know you’re in a better place now, B. Braxton, I keep telling myself that as you sit there?

Breathe Free, as now I struggle still crying a bit. If I could drop dead right now… You don’t want to hear that, but what I wouldn’t give to listen to your paws or your barking. Anytime I attempt to clean up, I wonder how many of those dust balls have remnants of your hair? It’s why I focus on the bathroom. Only I had to wash the rugs. Ants invaded. As I said before, I’m in prison, but the thing is, I was freer with you than anybody. The best times of my life were lying here reading everything with you jumping my belly. The last free breath I ever took was the one that became your last Braxton. Now every single one costs.

Beefy foods… I should be buying plenty more. If you were here, I would be eating better because you would want me to share. Voluminous vitamins, vittles… vitriol. Braxton, it might not be a lack of sleep but of any decent sustenance, and I continue ticking after 130 days. I’m thinking more with my heart than my stomach. I keep pushing you back in. Then here I go vomiting all of this only to find another picture of you, A thought of you to sustain me for a bit longer. You’d prefer fries B III. Jonesing onion rings. Which hurts more. Well, the first reminds me to share; the latter reminds me I am alone. Neither replaces love. Yet I try. Remember To B III

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 252 ~Braxton Was Full Of…~

How many times would Braxton come running into my room, and I would have to check his bathroom pad, or I would ask, “B Squared, did you eat everything?” My bed feels wrong when he isn’t cuddled beside me or, on the end, guarding. Braxton Was Full Of…

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Gospel 252 ~Braxton Was Full Of…~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m “hanging tough, staying hungry,” as the song goes. As Braxton did, towards The End.

Belly pains hint that I should join him. No, I’m not starving Inspector Echo. You should have heard me rattling off food choices to Indiana Gone. Steak and Potato Soup, Buffalo Wings, Shrimp & Pasta, Boston Market Salisbury Steak. Not quite three squares a day. Remember how much I would share with Braxton? Sometimes I think my hands have forgotten how to move. If I’m not letting B III dabble, then I’m making a mess of myself. I keep saying it, but maybe that’s why I’m picking stuff that I didn’t give or I couldn’t. Always going to Subway now (no fries). I’m jonesing for onion rings. My nephew was here, and we talked about why I had gummy bears and didn’t like chocolate much.

X-Men, Pokemon, what cartoons do the kids watch these days? Braxton is easy. When he isn’t stuffing his face or pretending to, much to my shame. Braxton is filling his little deer-head full of intel. Sundays, he’s quiet, TWD; we’d ride out the apocalypse together. The truth, and I’ve never said this aloud, but at least when B III barks, he is trying to help me somehow. Other than Indiana Gone, M Anime, Cherry, and my mom, people’s words are only noise. It’s like being stuck in Charlie Brown’s world, but he’ll always have Snoopy. Oh, and I’m not discounting people on Facebook, the Mamas, the Papas, the Grandma. Braxton’s Life Matters. It is full of love, or so I try to tell myself now.

Okay, I talked to Indiana Gone (second BFF) last night, and it started innocently enough. With Triple B gone, I’m touched starved. I don’t know how I would “Just Survive Somehow” in 2020. Inspector Echo, no matter what, 2021 is the worst year imaginable, January 31. Anyway, we talked about me having friends, and I reminded her how I keep score. Then I looked around at the table full of Braxton’s treats, his full water bowl. His pillow empty, aside from his toy. In my room is his empty bed with his last collar. Around my neck is his pendant full of… Braxton, his remains, his spirit, what speck of him did they get, hmm?

Vacancies in Heaven, why my Braxton? Braxton Was Full Of…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 249 ~Braxton “The Belly” Bully~

Now, where did I leave it; seven more treats, water, a clean bathroom pad, and yep his food in the fridge, but I can’t throw any of it away. I should at least check that back left from Thanksgiving. “Braxton “The Belly” Bully,” I’d buy him all the fries.

Sunday, March 7, 2021

Gospel 249 ~Braxton “The Belly” Bully~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and even if you hired another maid, she better not touch any of Braxton’s things all around.

But what brings this on today? You haven’t been downstairs yet, but in a few minutes… Yep, I thought about it yesterday. You’ll go into your bag of treats, setting down another one in his room to go uneaten. How about shaking the meds left and calling out to him? Believing it’s crazy and knowing it’s day thirty-five and you’re crying, yet again. Five weeks and you’re still here, and he’s still gone. Hell, you’ve starved yourself for less. You’re remembering how Braxton was dying; maybe why you eat so much now. Eating for two? Not if you look in that bag leftover from Thanksgiving. Whatever’s left in there must be a new species. If you wanted to die, since you forgot Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 065 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 072) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, “Succubus Lord 9” Eric Vall
    Failed

Enough about your own belly and back to Braxton’s, always Braxton’s or not. You’re still buying sour gummy bears, worms, straws, what have you. Only you’ve been going more for chocolate, no fries, more onion rings, trips to Subway. It’s good, which means it’s bad. Like keeping Braxton’s memory alive, but what about his Last Meal? You were just in the kitchen, and what did you do? Organizing B III’s pills, the halves, and the ones you need to take back for Banfield for them to cut. Only that will never happen. There’s no reason. His food, though… what must it look like? As always, his water dish is full. The dry food is in the fridge; everything is waiting. So are Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, “My Dark Vanessa” Kate Russell
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 072 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I Am Cleaning Out The Refrigerator (Braxton’s Last Meal)
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

It’s been a long time since you fixed the order. Food, parking spaces, this? Chances are, like me, you’ll only get the same two completed despite having all the time in the world this week. It would be for the best if you didn’t spend it eating and sleeping. Braxton would consider it time well spent. He did like to spend some time walking, working off one of those pounds, didn’t he. What about a belly rub? Please don’t open that bag of his hair. It’s one of the last things you have. Remember to eat breakfast but no sharing. Dammit, at this point, you would give him the plate. Like when he was young. When we were young, you and Braxton “The Belly” Bully.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 173 ~No Names For Potential Food~

Last week, it’s what I was keeping in my body, and this week it’s about what I won’t put in. No, I’m not talking about the “vaccine” like I could get a hold of it, and would I want to? More like why I don’t name farm life. No Names For Potential Food

Monday, December 21, 2020

Gospel 173 ~No Names For Potential Food~

Hundred And Sixty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I would do what I can to save animals. Now you should know I’m no vegan or even vegetarian. At the same time, I can’t stand hunters. That is unless we’re talking about “The Most Dangerous Game.” Is that sad? How can I talk about hunting people in the process of killing them? Anyway, that’s an interesting story for another time. Today I want to talk about how I won’t say no to a chicken sandwich. I should have got some bacon yesterday. And how I won’t eat my dog.

Wow, that got sort of dark fast. So when I came up with this rule, I was thinking about the animals. I’ve never had any inclinations of owning a farm though I know Indiana Gone wants to. I see cows and chickens, and I want a sandwich. Clydesdales… yeah, beer. Can’t say I’m a drinker, though. Budweiser was smart to put something cute in its ads. Same with Coca-Cola. Who can forget all those Sarah McLachlan ads? This month has been about Christmas, but the novel “Where The Red Fern Grows” oh God chokes up. My Dæmon, though, sold me on life itself. Why don’t I ever mention his name and I’m sure I have back in the beginning. He’s kept me alive, and even if I was starving… People say it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Always with my firstborn son.

Women are people Will, women are people. Now I know that, of course. I’m also trying so hard to keep my “promise” of how I talk to you and the rest of the girls… sorry, Dirty Diana. My point is, Madam Justice, I can’t be typical with the Beautiful Stranger. Women have lives, and maybe that’s why I fight my addiction the way that I do. The body can be full, but the heart, soul, and mind are empty. It’s sort of the same as writing. You prepare a feast, and then you’re left wanting, and worse, nobody eats anything. Interesting epiphany, yeah? I should wake up early more often. So I start giving names and faces to feel something, anything. And then I either starve myself or bite and leave myself still so unsatisfied.

Maybe I’m hungry, more BBQ? What’s in me or others? No Names For Potential Food.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 094 ~Dying For The Will~

I would kill for a nap right now, but why not for money, is that any better? At least when I’m sleeping, no one is being hurt fictionally or factually but didn’t my son wake me up yesterday. His heart problems… “Dying For The Will, where’s my heart?”

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Gospel 094 ~Dying For The Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and yet have no one to leave my fortune to. If I had the money, somewhere on the list would be how to make dogs live longer. Yesterday I brought up that the Dæmon and I had a bit of a scare. My son’s heart was working too hard, and my heart? It seems only when it’s breaking, is when I realize I have one at all. Every other time well… as you know, I commit many a sin, most based on FEAR. While not one of the seven deadly or nine circles a crime. But today, let’s talk about SLOTH.

THEY say it’s the most difficult sin to define, and like any disease it is, will or has killed me. Hell, if this was the Day Job we were talking about, I wouldn’t be complaining. Don’t I love writing? Wasn’t I almost on time today, 4:15 AM? Get up at 4:00 AM, 3:00 if ET. Dearest Lu, I don’t mean to be so down today. I’m a black man living in America. Even when we’re up, we’re down for the struggle, praying, or living the dream. I guess all those typing lessons in school didn’t take as I watch my fingers flying and son napping. However, I always know that I can do so much better for him. For us, but I might die right here on this couch someday because I neither want to do or try. Why is it every day I sound more like a Republican, but then again, I want to vote. Let’s say I’m inspired.

To what, help my country and indeed the world. Didn’t I talk about wearing masks and how I didn’t want anyone to die? If anything, I like the apocalyptic aesthetic. Well, it turns out that was false hmm as I watch people celebrate (you know who) get carted off for treatment. Only there’s no antidote for laziness, for Sloth. I wonder why are conversations take so long, Lady Luna, and it’s because I want everything to be perfect… Now again, isn’t that one more lie? My fingers and tongue have all the energy in the world to make up excuses. Of course, if this was the Day Job? Now that’s something I don’t want to lose. Yet here I am sitting, writing, I love it but Dying For The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 087 ~Will Of Early Birds~

Why do birds suddenly appear? Why did the chicken cross the road? It’s better to be a live chicken than a dead duck. Okay, so this morning, I saw BK was voted the best chicken sandwich. Well, that was a blanking lie. Will Of Early Birds, chat or food

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Gospel 087 ~Will Of Early Birds~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I should send someone out shopping. Who was it that said if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything? If there’s one thing I want in these times, it’s time itself. Now I could talk about living in the moment, but I seldom ever do. Hell Lady Lu, all I do is talk to you and the girls, but I have no interest in looking back on those conversations. Here and now, I had a spirited discussion with M. Anime. My dreams last night were thoughts of COVID-19. Yesterday I got a “TOY.”

Dale Carnegie was right about keeping busy to avoid worry. Yet I worry about the past, present, and possible all at once. My history, again, today, I’m worried about keeping “IT” in my pants. Some time ago, I said I would have a day I don’t talk about legs, breasts, and thighs, but it is not this day. For Existence Day, I got the Adam and Eve Bangin Betty Stroker Kit. My that takes me back to how I got my first Fleshlight. To a time, I began studying BDSM; research. How about watching Extreme Movie for the first time?

Somehow from all of that, I found my life’s purpose. At present, I can’t say that I’m living up to it. Now understand this, Lady Lu, it has never deviated from writing. I knew of Le Marquis De Sade but hadn’t read his works. I read books on BDSM, for example, Dom’s Guide To Submissive Training. It wasn’t until I found my mother’s copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I realized people could write like that… Badly, I can hear the jokes. Only I discovered a whole world and that men can write like that too. S. Wolf “Sex Zombies.”

Still, I will say tomorrow, okay? I was up at 4:00 AM somehow, but what time is it now? It’s been about 11 hours, and what can I say I have accomplished today. Well, at least I ain’t hungry because I’ve been everywhere, Ma’am. All the same, where will I be tomorrow, and how is the new week looking. The only way I see myself flying is if someone pecks at me. If I were a Christian man, all Jonah and the whale, I think.

Why do birds suddenly appear, SIGH, Will Of Early Birds.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 262 ~Side Order Of Will~

I feel like chicken tonight, or is that all I have in the fridge, I saw Chinese zodiac symbols once and maybe I would prefer to stay a rat, I always feel like a pest, but no my name is still on somebody’s tongue. “Side Order Of Will,” no thanks.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Episode 262 ~Side Order Of Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, go hungry or more to the point of staying hungry. I’m still looking into the future, today’s the 15th, and I’m gearing up for Camp NaNoWriMo. Now, how embarrassing would it be if I didn’t accomplish this? Humiliating that I have all these ideas but nothing to write Inspector. So I’ll get the usual which is PORN. I would say Erotica, but I don’t want to lie or worse what if I take too long deciding. What if I can’t see anything, and you know my thoughts on right and wrong.

My mom taught me to never go to the grocery store on an empty stomach. She also taught me how to make tartar sauce, how to microwave cooked shrimp. Mom also introduced me to the Subway Buffalo Chicken. Funny I mention chicken because that’s my sin. The biggest one, this FEAR, COWARDICE, my transforming into a feathery fiend. One who sits down in a Chinese restaurant, afraid to speak up. Also, the gas station where some other guy makes the attendant notice me. Some people might find it gratifying when they visit “their” bar. Then are immediately recognized. Only then you go into Walmart, and the lady knows you’re there merely for the ranch wings?

I’m a creature of habit, routine, TRADITION. Only every day more like everything in my life, there is some girl I followed, and I can’t break free. The Red Lantern, that was Indiana Gone, Subway again was my mom. McDonald’s because I thought the girl liked me. How about Cherry who talks to me about “stalking?” I never have, but I never half-ass anything but my work sadly. If I know enough, then I can’t fail and if I ask; Twitter is still pending? Blocked on Facebook, knocked off Instagram I keep my mouth shut. Chicken’s aren’t meant to fly, and somebody will get pissed at me for saying this. Still those birds are on the list for a “feast,” and it’s eating me alive.

I’m sick of holding walls up, of waiting. I’m living that idiom of “you are what you eat,” or maybe having a cow man. I’m sure this week in the future I have, and I’ll be living the same way, won’t I?

For all of this I ask forgiveness, but again that’s tradition because it is something I’m not changing isn’t it. Like all those times I went without eating because I refused to live this way. Inspector Echo I’d starve before begging any day a Side Order Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 280 ~I Missed Health Class~

When was the last time I wanted to get out of bed, not needed, not have to, not a challenge, no I only wanted to get up and live… is it too early for Christmas and can I be a kid again and go back to school. I Missed Health Class.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Lesson 280 ~I Missed Health Class~

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Fine Today because I missed health class, not all of it but probably more than Sex Ed, only this is America, so most kids missed that conversation, to be honest. What I mean there are plenty of things about health that I should have learned being an African-American and all. Personally, I never dreamed I’d get out of my teens and with diet, a brain only a zombie could love, the cops, let’s say things aren’t looking that good.

You may be wondering what brought all this up; maybe it’s the fact that I have wasted yet one more day of my life in bed. Except for walking my dog and nature’s call, I’ve been down for the count. What honestly baffles me is the concept that I have held my day job for almost seven years and in all that time, I’ve been late once, and I’ve called out once, been too sick to stay one time, and left early maybe twice. One of those times was for another job, and the other was for my writing career, and yet I’m not writing today, am I Lady Lu?

I wasn’t learning how to survive on Pop-Tarts and toast, maybe pizza and Rotisserie Chicken every night, am I complaining about food and money right now? Lady Lu they don’t talk about when you’re so depressed that your body follows suit and you’re weighed down by something as light as a blanket. How about cold, the weather has been like something out of “1408” hot, wet, frozen, wasteland but every work day I go out into that, and it’s killing me, but I have a billion excuses as to why I can’t do for me.

Speaking of killing, I haven’t had a run-in with the law for the longest time but from searching on Motherless.com to my Pinterest boards being knocked out, to Facebook collecting intel I could face arrest for a great many things. Am I still hung up on the Pinterest thing… tell that to the hundred or so episodes of General Hospital I have yet to watch and just might give up.

Health Class wants to teach you to stay strong and not just lie on your back which goes right back into how come there’s no sexual education at most schools. I’ll tell you what I haven’t learned today, how to deal with an ever-growing weakness pervading my body but hey Lu I Missed Health Class.

“There is only one rule that binds all people. One governing principle that defines every relationship on God’s green earth: The weak are meat, and the strong do eat.” Dr. Henry Goose, Cloud Atlas (2012)

I Will Have No Fear

First Slam Problems

I was arrested when I was a kid so you would figure being an “adult” would give me some appreciation of freedom in this big wide wonderful world and yet I spend most of my time in a box. First Slam Problems, and second, third

Will it be chicken, sausage, maybe ham
all three and even more
but I really should get out the door

as I’ve never seen a match, a game, athletes on the lam
that some would call tradition
or tell me that wrestling is fiction

And I could always claim a traffic jam
I don’t walk or run, I’m allergic to the sun
Excuses I have a ton

So what’s one more slam,
when I’m here and free
Just not to be me…

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 067 ~Take the Cake Please~

It feels like I have already had a whole cake to myself, cheesecake maybe, but I’m going to be full of so many things tomorrow but I must stand strong, or rather lie in my bed, but this will be no walk in the park. Take the Cake Please

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Lesson 067 ~Take the Cake Please~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, tomorrow will be a piece a cake, I keep telling myself that, a piece of cake, I wonder what great man upon facing the day that would define them figured that it would be a piece of cake. Sometimes I feel as though I have faced that day, others I truly hope not, and then I wonder why such a day exist, I feel you know what I’m talking about.

“Selling a gun for the first time is a lot like having sex for the first time. You’re excited but you don’t really know what the hell you’re doing. And some way, one way or another, it’s over too fast.” Yuri Orlov, Lord of War

Why sell guns my beautiful Lu (you see I gave you your form back) world’s gonna end one way or another, too bad it won’t be tomorrow but anyway, first I sell something worse than guns and second why must such and such a day be the day that defines me? When I was thinking about what I would want my name on, the cake did not come up, marquee, bestseller list, hell I might even prefer a headstone, no actually burn me and scatter me somewhere, haven’t thought of it yet. Haven’t thought of a lot actually considering everything I need to get done, everything that is coming up, not a piece of cake.

“Stay here.

Yeah right! Eat me, said the cake to Alice!” Stephen King’s Desperation (2006)

How about as easy as pie… can’t say I have a thing for pie either, I did like pumpkin pie once upon a time, and blueberry pie sounds yummy but I can’t say I have much of an appetite; this morning’s breakfast is like a stone. My mom never told me there’d be days like this, but she’s no prophet of course but if she had been I imagine I wouldn’t be in this mess at the moment, then again God fearing woman that she is… There is also the fact that when I know something like this is coming, I feel physically ill anyway, but already asked “Gospel Girl” about pizza, who says no to pizza right, but again who says no to cake and ice cream as well.

There are just too many things I can say about cake, for example, I always pictured myself as one of those men who just want to watch the world burn, and not be surrounded by a bunch of people singing, not that I’m worried about that happening, these days right. So what have we learned, well I think cupcakes are delicious and I wish I could remember what buttercream actually was but these days Luna, seriously Take the Cake Please?

“Piece of cake! Piece of cake!

Piece of cake!” – the movie Battlefield Earth (2000)

I Will Have No Fear