Tale 292 ~B By Later, Virgil~

Two well-formed lumps of fat gyrating in my general direction… Ladies and gentlemen, why I’m not Gay or Bi. But I was a Dad once. I’m a Dad now… V. But the last girls V saw were family. But with grief, gyration, and me being a guy. B By Later, Virgil

Thursday, April 18, 2024

Tale 292 ~B By Later, Virgil~

1173 Days Without B III, Day 614 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Mine’s only just begun, and it’s terrible. Could it be worse? Skip a few pages…

I wouldn’t read you any of Eric Vall’s novels. Though… I’m sure you would appreciate all the “relations” regarding food, which reminds me. I need to check and see if I’ll get to eat next week. Trust me, B, I should enjoy our time together because next week will be… Well, I won’t care for it. But the same goes for today. I have already failed! Sigh. Such is existence.

But even if I went back to sleep. B III I would wake up and see you sitting at the foot of the bed in the corner, protecting me. Those were better days, Little B. Do I need to talk about grief, graves, or goodbyes today? I remember these moments, B, and they comfort me in this sea of sorrow.

It’s seven in the morning. And already, I want this day to end. Myself included.

But there’s no ending to my grieving, B. It’s a constant ache that won’t go away. And that will not make me any cash, but for you… My little Endling. You’ve been gone 1173 days, and I’m still looking up names to call you. At least I’m getting Virgil’s name right. These days. He deserves that, Braxton. Don’t you agree?

You will have to wait for the chance to talk, B. And it’s not because I have a dream, again…

I’ve continued to think about that movie I saw with Virgil the other day. 2003’s “Share?” I’m sure you led me to that one, too. Hulu’s “The Mill.” And Fifteen Million Merits as well, B.

I exist in life like Daniel Kaluuya, who plays Bingham Madsen. You wouldn’t believe what Cherry thought about that mention.

Rumor Has It… I like guys, or I’m Bi, at least. (Shakes head and smiles with a tear) My B.

I trust two men in this world, and you were one of them. But I have only loved one man in this world, and that is the son I raised. I swear, B III, girls sometimes can be just… (huffs). It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and I’m just trying to hold on. Like Hell, huh?

As far as finding you, or I should say, Virgil, a momma… Love died in bed in the vet’s office. So while I’m all about Girls, Girls, Girls… I’ll Never Fall In Love Again, Braxton.

The End? Never say never, but I can’t just turn a page and see what happens unless I start publishing books and cut out my self-fulfillment. B By Later, Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 291 ~Virgil’s Not Write B~

I’m not a foodie. The BBQ place here knows my name… Dare I say the first time I drove there was after I signed Braxton’s “Freedom Papers.” Nah! But that’s a day I’ll remember. B III’s future is gone. Food. And no effing around. “Virgil’s Not Write B”

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Tale 291 ~Virgil’s Not Write B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. I haven’t given Virgil Vivi the happily ever after that dogs dream of. It’s Monday, April 8, 2024.

Eclipse Day. But I have only been out for Virgil and Chicken McNuggets. I shouldn’t read or listen to Eric Vall when I’m hungry. Oh! And there was picking up some BBQ. Talk about a bad association. Forever and always, when I think about BBQ, I think about my son, B III. A little weird? It was the first thing I ate after Braxton’s Euthanasia.

Yet I’m not here to talk about my two furry boys… Did I just say that, Echo? I know. Eww! I don’t want to talk about food, Inspector. I’ve bought enough BBQ for three dinners. What about the future crimes I may have committed on this Wednesday? The Day Job? There was the Golden Son finale, too. I’m scared, Inspector.

That’s nothing new. Only to be afraid of books? I’m not one of “those” people. Inspector a story hasn’t rocked me this much since Stroke of Midnight: A Cinderella Novel.

Whatever! You’re not Lady Sophia. And the book Golden Son is not an embarrassment, Echo. I could send it to M Anime without fear. I could tell Cherry everything, Inspector. I could even read it to little Virgil lying here. Of fifteen books, I could read Virgil, two of them. Those other thirteen? There are furry dogs or women without… Anyway, Echo, let’s discuss those stories I can’t share with my boys or female friends. Um, there’s B III’s aunt?

Why not talk about why I’m not writing Braxton’s book or any book right now?

Because you know what stories I’m on since I’m nearly done with Golden Son. All three are written by Eric Vall. There are two audiobooks and one Kindle edition Inspector.

However, let’s start with something innocent… Poor Things with Emma Stone. Do you really want to know why I’m interested in such a film? X/Twitter is not a safe space. Echo, I’ve been going on about Makio Kaneda from the Discipline series for days. Sigh. There was a series I was reminded of just this morning, Keraku-No-OH King of Pleasure.

It’s a love story… Are any of them. The thing is, I want to be that sort of author, animator, and artist. But what do I write when I write. Only Virgil’s Not Write B.

1172 Days Without B III, Day 613 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

I haven’t been bitten by the love bug in some time. When’s the last time I’ve been outside other than to let V out. Or go anywhere I didn’t want to go. What bugs me the most. Breathing. I wish I could make it worthwhile. Love Bugs B, Virgil

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But while you always tell and show me, I miss Braxton—you and them. Virgil?

Money makes such a lovely sound. But is it love? For the love of money. If I had it 1,171 days ago, would it have saved my firstborn son, my B? Food insecurity? Never, love! Today, Sunday, April 7, 2024. I’m only thinking about all the problems in the kitchen. Braxton’s food still sits on the counter. Three years? Is that a problem? Frightening, Mad?

Even now, I want to yell out to Braxton to take his medicine or fill up his food and water bowls. I do that for V anyway, but it’s not the same, and it sounds stupid. Doesn’t sound like love…

Like the kitchen faucet that’s acting up, the shelf that fell down, or a messed-up drawer. This mess, I swear.

If that ain’t love, then I don’t know what love is. A well-loved house that I should fix for the living. In doing so, I would honor my Braxton. It’s slowly eating away at me.

Inspecting for termites when I would instead be blasting my way through Terminids, Automatons, and whatever else in the game Helldivers 2. What’s one more distraction? Hmm. I need anything and everything to make some noise. Grieving, Hating, but Loving…

Trying to remember what love sounds like bugs me. Only I want to hear it. You and me, always and forever, my love. I want to place the two of us under the covers. Really?
Hey, it beats me thinking about Maiko Kaneda all day. Your husband has a type.

The two of us love bugs. Those two-legged children of ours, bugging mommy and daddy. Someday, I might even look at Virgil as such. One of our kids. But he didn’t have a choice, my love. I can’t say I was even bitten by the love bug. More like I was bitten by my B. And it would have pained me to leave without Virgil. Only I was being selfish or even obtuse with love. Seriously, what’s with all my talk of bugs anyway? Extermination?

Breathing bugs me. Every breath I take. Take this morning for example. I lied here reading, and Virgil was shoving against me. As long as I didn’t look at him, I could imagine Braxton, love bug. Love Bugs B, Virgil

1171 Days Without B III, Day 612 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 289 ~Failure Is A Temporary Condition~

Braxton’s box looks permanent to me. But I know he speaks to me through books, beats, and this boy eating out of his dish. And speaking of Virgil. He keeps courageously running in here and trying to be friends. “Failure Is A Temporary Condition”

Monday, April 15, 2024

Tale 289 ~Failure Is A Temporary Condition~

Three-Hundredth And Thirty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… I should have made one that said I wouldn’t make it to forty. Thirty? Braxton was fifteen.

Almost sixteen. So that would mean B III was somewhere between seventy-six and eighty. But he will always be my baby. He will always be my son. Dare I say, my first real love? Tupac said ain’t a woman alive that can take his Mama’s place. Same, my dear Madam, same. But ain’t a woman alive that can take my Braxton’s place. I swear it.

Madam, I’m so late this afternoon. It’s Sunday, April 7, 2024, 2:15 PM, to be precise. If you’re wondering why. I was drooling over Maiko Kaneda this afternoon. Sigh. She is the perfect woman, the goddess. I know. I would give her or any girl up for my B III.

But why? I failed Braxton. Final, finished, friendship’s fatal finale.

1170 days, Madam, and I’m still shedding tears over him. I save none for myself. Euthanasia is a permanent condition. B III’s gone, and he’s never coming back to me.

Unless I continue to fail at this existence, and that’s the thing. Failure isn’t required. Madam, no matter what, this will all end, and then what? Gods, Devils, Heaven, Hell. You know where I stand, religiously speaking. But I will never believe my son simply winked out of the universe. And he would follow me anywhere. Comfy clouds, warming fires.

But until then. What now? Once again, I have failed for thirty-nine years. My success. Today, it’s the fact that we’re here. So, as I told the Man in the Mirror, how does that help?

I bet I failed to “keep it in my pants.” My money, many distractions, or my monster, dear Madam. As I said, Maiko Kaneda. Cue me drooling like Homer Simpson for another minute or two. Minuteman, indeed (snickers). And hopefully, I’m not into Helldivers 2.

You know I need to make sound financial decisions. And with everything that’s broken here.

This afternoon, I could have been a decent friend to Virgil. I can’t blame him for not holding it in. And if it isn’t him going outside, there are permanent tear tracks down his face.

Madam, my eyes are permanently tired. But this would all be a temporary hardship if…

I did something? Braxton’s in the universe. What about chances? Failure Is A Temporary Condition

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1170 Days Without B III, Day 611 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 288 ~Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report~

I’m sure THEY once asked, “What’s your malfunction?” Or “What’s your damage?” How long do you have? B had fifteen years. And he went to the grave, seeing me cry about something. And V’s damage. I should figure that out. Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report

Sunday, April 14, 2024

Tale 288 ~Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report~

To Will:
It’s the Man In The Mirror… And it sucks to be you right now. Too bad Braxton and Virgil can’t talk. Then again…

Your boys were/are honest men. It’s one of the reasons Virgil isn’t sitting here today. Braxton’s room is safer? B could be a ghost or some other type of spirit. And while you’ve been busy reading about those ghosts, a coven of witches, and a college boy possessed by a satanic entity, what are you? One more day down, only to rise. Not exactly resurrected.

In your head, zombie, zombie…

If only you could make Braxton the Cerberus of your thoughts? Strange, isn’t it? Virgil. He got his name because he was supposed to guide you through this. What? Inferno?

Today, though, what do you know? At 10:00 AM, you have already failed at existence. You’re content reading about others’ successes. Your Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Golden Son (Red Rising Book 2)
    Completed
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
    Failed
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
    Failed
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 002, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 000 No Fap)
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
    Failed
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

But seeing how you still have this list means you have another chance. Yeah, it’s another opportunity to fail. And since you’ve already made one list, here’s another. Damage Report!

Let’s start with you. Do you remember the Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident and The Cherry Collision? How sick were you? Now, you feel the opposite of that illness. It’s scary.

The backyard fence is breaking. Before long, there will be more holes. And then what? Going inside, the kitchen faucet has low pressure. But still, you need to do something to fix it. And you need to check on the bathroom downstairs. Have any guests around? And what about the floor itself? The mess that was made. Tax Refund is currently $335.00. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I WILL BE VIEWING Satan’s Sorority Girls 5, Eric Vall
  2. I WILL BE VETTING Pictures, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I WILL BE VENDING Gulp: Poetry Book
  4. I WILL BE VOWING To Keep Pants On (Day 000, No Fap). Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL BE VALUING My Flesh Getting A Tattoo Of My Son Little B III
  6. I WILL BE VALIANT Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am

So how do you fix it? You got an answer for that: money. So here’s a question: How do you make money? You know what you’ll be doing all day. Besides being lazy? You are going to worry about the Day Job. Okay, so how do you stop worrying about your Day Job? You sit down and write. Did you say that out loud? Now, that’s my fault. I’m sorry.

For forty-five minutes, I was getting into those motivational speeches yesterday. It gave you loads of false hope that everything would be alright. Uh, no. Not now, not ever. Sigh.

And so you sit here, not the captain of your own “existence,” not even a survivor. Looking to your boys, asking Braxton, Virgil, Damage Report

1169 Days Without B III, Day 610 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 287 ~B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift~

The whole armor of God? I’m more the death shroud with my name on it… So the guys at the morgue can identify the body. But my son. He knows what books I’ll identify with. He sends rap when I’m in a “mood.” And helping V? “B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift.”

Saturday, April 13, 2024

Tale 287 ~B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now… That’d make me something more than Disgusting, Depressed, or “Dee, Dee, Dee,” as Carlos Mencia says.

Do I want to begin the day like this? As with most, I didn’t want to start the day. Period. Too bad, I’m reading a book that involves a resurrection… No! Not the Bible, Lunalesca.

Although now that I think about it. Chrissy, ha-ha, “Christ” was resurrected in book three. And here I am in novel five. That is if you want me to feel grateful for anything, dear Lu.

I will be eternally grateful for my son, Braxton. He gave me 15 years of joy and love that I didn’t deserve, Lady Lunalesca. His presence in my life was/is a constant reminder of the beauty and fragility of life. I also need to check Virgil’s vaccinations. He’s not being sick all over the place. How many things am I supposed to show gratitude about on any given day? Hmm.

Resurrection, Rebirth, Realize, B III.

I’ll stick with 3—as in my three lucky numbers… 3, 5, and 15. These numbers hold a special place in my heart, reminding me of the precious 15 years I had with my son, Braxton. I could really use a wish right now, my Lady. But more than wishing to win the lotto, I want my B back. As always, right, dear Lady Lunalesca.

How about wishing for wisdom? Or some woman, excuse me, women, HaremLit. I could wish not to hate a man named Will, who I see in the mirror every morning.

Anyway, let’s stick with wisdom. Whether I meant to or not, I’ve been studying up on resurrection. Take, for example, my last three books. Again, that is my magic number.

Lunalesca, I’m reading an Eric Vall title now. In another book, the protagonist, Darrow, returned from the dead, right… In Outbreak Rising 2, the narrative was chock full of the dead, which made me reflect on the concept of resurrection.

Every morning, I have to wake up and see the world like Joe Stevens, Bingham Madsen, or Ben. I could go on. All told, life is a gift, and the world has a nice little bow. Now, I could be all Tony Montana and talk about wanting the world Lunalesca. But I liked it when I was working towards giving everything to my only son.

But what about Virgil? What about me? Have you seen the world outside, dear Lady? Virgil spends most of his outside time sitting by the stairs, wanting to come inside.

Lunalesca, I would prefer if it was a wrap for me. I stay cold, covered, and cowardly, Lunalesca. That’s a wrap. B’s Wrapping Virgil’s Gift

1168 Days Without B III, Day 609 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 285 ~B A Dream Virgil~

I think Virgil loves the couch as much as Braxton did/does. I could trust Braxton to find his potty spot but Virgil. If he jumps off the sofa or bed, I must follow him. So it doesn’t help with sleeping. And then I have nightmares… “B A Dream Virgil.”

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Tale 285 ~B A Dream Virgil~

1166 Days Without B III, Day 607 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s 9:00 AM, and I’m done with the day. Did I have a good night?

For an hour and some change, I did. It was movie night, minus your Aunt Carolina. Another negative is that I woke up with all the lights on at 2:30 AM. After the movie, B.

“Share?” was a pretty decent flick. Do I owe this one to you as well? From Hulu’s The Mill” to Black Mirror’s “Fifteen Million Merits.” I’m giving you credit for when I went to see “The Book of Clarence.” And there was also, The American Society of Magical… Anyway, I didn’t dream those last two wouldn’t make any money. But that’s what I want to talk about today, B III, dreams. And I mean, I’m doing all the talking because your Dad’s selfish, as usual. I’m confused, and I need your help understanding B III.

Just like old times, huh? So I have/had a dream.

We were at a restaurant at Disney World. Such a grand dream for someone, who’s been craving a simple cheeseburger and fries for a week. Now I have to bring “The Menu into this. You know your Dad has a thing for brunettes. Or was Anya Taylor-Joy’s hair more copper? Anyway, I’m losing the point. I should go shopping today but what time is it?

Braxton, okay. We were in the restaurant, you, me, and V, whose fur was white. All over, I mean. Spotless. And he was sleeping in your bed, which screams I’m dreaming, right? After eating, we returned to the house, and then I remembered. Or should I say I forgot something? One of my boys? But you and Virgil were here.

I forgot myself in “The Happiest Place On Earth.” As I remember, I find myself in one of those rooms in the movie “Share?” And I was being burned alive. Then I woke up. So you can guess why I’m so late today. I even kicked V out of the room because… uh, … as if you weren’t always playing with your toys. Remember your Aunt’s visits? “The Talk,” Braxton

I’ve been trying to figure out what the dream means. I’ve told you, I’ve left happiness a long time ago. But you and Virgil went home, and this “happy place” destroyed me. Then again, since I feel my best at the house and I was left behind —at the doctor’s where you fell, the Day Job, or in my depression… Am I reading too much into some movie B III?

Okay, let’s see. The main character in the movie is a dog owner who’s “trapped” in a room using an old computer. His best friend is an old man. And he has two women. One has a very positive outlook, and the other is trying to escape the prison. I’m not writing movie reviews today?

Braxton, I’m trying to figure it out. Just know I had a nightmare. And finding happiness is no dream of mine. But I lost that even before you, Braxton. It’ll never B A Dream Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 284 ~Virgil, Addictions Can B~

I canceled the Balance App. It doesn’t mean I’m being kept from one of my addictions, sleep. And I’m being more of a slimeball today. Seeing how far into the future I’m writing. A week? If only writing was my addiction. Virgil, Addictions Can B.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

Tale 284 ~Virgil, Addictions Can B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. More than likely, I’ll face a police interrogation or a manager before my Olds, holy rollers, or doctors.

Would it help if I spoke poorly about B III? You know I’m one to pine away about my son. Braxton had three loves in his life. Should I call them addictions? Food, “my” bloodline. And like father like son, certain assets when it came to any company “invited” over. That’s a mouthful to say. Braxton liked girls. In particular, his aunt. Special K? Nah. Inspector, that was more for me. And trust me, we’ll get to women today. Unfortunately

But today is All About You. Is that what you’re telling me, Inspector? What’s today? Tuesday, April 2, 2024. And the second day of Camp NaNoWriMo. What have I done?

I’ve only dreamed of Braxton sleeping by my feet; as I said, writing is life.

I told him I was addicted to the idea of making a better life for us. Only what beat me?

In no particular order, Inspector:

  1. Excella Gionne ― Resident Evil 5
  2. Scarlet ― Final Fantasy VII
  3. Lady Alcina Dimitrescu ― Resident Evil Village
  4. Boa Hancock ― One Piece (Jahara Jayde Cosplay)
  5. Lulu ― Final Fantasy X

Honorable Mentions:
Tifa Lockhart ― Final Fantasy VII
Aerith Gainsborough ― Final Fantasy VII

A few days ago, Cherry asked me, “Is “Relations” all you think about?” Indeed, Inspector Echo. And don’t ask me how long it will be, “slightly older” women in formal attire, between reading about fancy Golds in Golden Son and then Jahara Jayde in cosplay.

Then, my usual book genre.

But even this is not my greatest addiction. What’s My Age Again? I’m nearly forty!!!
(Indiscernible verbal struggles.) Anyway, Inspector, this pathetic old man’s sleeping!

Today, like every other day, next to having Braxton back, I want to go back to bed. As if I ever left. And then I look at Virgil, who’s always sleeping. Following in my footsteps. Please! I don’t want Virgil getting sick all over the floor again. That’s me walking.

Inspector, I’m addicted to my grief, laziness, and genuine stupidity. But the worst of it? FEAR! Which is why I’m reading a book about courage? I hope I’ve finished, Inspector.

Failure is quite addicting as well. Like the touch of Braxton’s fur, the female form. Silence! Virgil, Addictions Can B

1165 Days Without B III, Day 606 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

When was the last time I heard “I love you” and felt something? When was the last time I said it? The last time I heard love and felt it was in Braxton’s last breath. And I’m sure I’ll be hearing it well into the future. “Hear B, Listen V.”

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But I can tell why it has to be this way. My son is gone.

Braxton, my Soldier, Soul dog, indeed my firstborn Son. Even now, while I time travel. Today is Sunday, March 31, 2024, Easter Sunday. He Is Risen? Well, not my Braxton.

Today, how many more will pay for my sins? There ain’t no coming back from all these things that I’ve done. But that’s the thing, my love. I’m still gone, and you’re still waiting for me. Even though I don’t look a thing like Jesus. I know I need to cut the music off, love. I need to turn off all the noise and stay awake. Why? Because love’s louder?

Honestly, that’s my problem. The last time I heard love was my Braxton’s last breath. And for 1,164 days, I’ve only been listening. But hearing?

Whatever DEI! And you know what I wanted to say.

More like they want to say. But why is hate so much easier to explain? Why do the things I hate come so naturally? Like myself for what happened to Braxton. You tell me, I loved, and I loved, and I lost you. You sing to me. As long as I’m breathing, always and forever.

So why don’t I want to hear it? Am I making any sense at all, my love? Love is confusing.

It’s the way it has to be sometimes. But how much longer? As I said before, look how far I am from this day. Look how far I’ve come from the day my B fell. I still hear it, love.

Only you know you, man. My love language is physical touch. And when it comes to you and me, I feel everything. And you’ll do anything to make me feel your love. Actions, right? More than words? And everything that comes with it. But you want me to hear you. You need me to. But all I hear is pain, yours, mine, my boys, B III and 2V, our kids.

And I listen to everything else, like some white noise. I am sleeping away existence. Today, love doesn’t lie bleeding. It’s sleeping. And I have to find my way, darling.

Honestly, that’s the only time I’ll say you remind me of my Ma, baby doll. I’ll let you love me. Hear? Hear B, Listen V.

1164 Days Without B III, Day 605 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 282 ~Your Father’s Sins Aren’t Yours~

I didn’t think I’d be a Dad again. Most would say I wasn’t before, as my son has four legs. B’s been gone 1163 days. While I won’t call V, son. And he’s been here 604 days. Some Dad’s “get what’s coming,” “Golden Son.” Your Father’s Sins Aren’t Yours

Monday, April 8, 2024

Tale 282 ~Your Father’s Sins Aren’t Yours~

Three-Hundredth And Thirty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules are made to be broken… Because I’m worse than my father ever was. My son is dead. Yes, Braxton was/is my son.

I hadn’t planned on talking about this today. What, Braxton? No. I mean on fatherhood.

Not to sound cliché, ha-ha. But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Fatherhood is the epitome of manhood. To me, it is. Take everything you would say that makes one a man.

There was a particular part of me that was quite hard this morning. What, Madam? I was reading by 5:00 AM. Anyway, it’s not that desire, distraction, or deception, Madam.

There’s the aftermath—sons and daughters—everything I want in this world. At the top of the list would be my son, Braxton. Right behind him, Madam, there’s family. And what family do I have? Selfish thirty-nine-year-old so and so. I know that, dear Madam.

A man provides. And isn’t that what my father has done for me? Isn’t that what I do for my… son? Virgil? I’m still not calling him that, but I do much worse daily, Madam.

Shouldn’t I be taking Virgil outside now? Not until 8:00 AM. And what have I been doing besides talking to you? As I said, I’ve been reading Golden Son. Madam, if you knew how many fathers “got theirs” in the last few chapters of that book. All of them sinners in one way or another. But aren’t we all? The things we do to protect and provide. And just to procreate. Braxton never had a stepmom. And I hold out even less hope for Virgil.

Because of what grand sin?

Honor thy father and thy mother? Braxton didn’t have to worry about me reading the word of God to him. And he was the word of God to me. We all have our daddy issues.

God may not have given us the spirit of fear. That was my father’s job or hobby. I’m not a godly man. The last time I asked “Father God” for anything. It was for my son’s life. And again, who am I to complain? I held Braxton’s life. Madam, I took it from him. Inevitable.

I am my fathers’ son. The best man I’ve ever known didn’t have kids. I won’t have to worry about that with Virgil. He can live by this rule—maybe. Your Father’s Sins Aren’t Yours.

“A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys” ― Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

1163 Days Without B III, Day 604 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will