Gospel 060 ~Willing To Be Disappointed~

Looks like my Bipolar instincts are at it again, last week was smiling. For this one, well, I can’t say I have seen many happy people, but I only want one and my furry kid as always. Willing To Be Disappointed

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Gospel 060 ~Willing To Be Disappointed~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you are gearing up for disappointment. What the Hell were you thinking this morning? More like what was I thinking last night, since it hasn’t been twelve hours yet. What time is it again, and you’re where? How about how do you feel right now. Disheveled, discombobulated, a bit disappointed? Yeah, the D has already popped out once since Freya Tingley in No Way to Live (2016). Talk about a message in a sex scene. While you can’t imagine no Yabbos ever, what can you live with?

The Day Job SIGH. I ask you again, where are you? How did you waste all this time that you had, and you didn’t look at your novel? Of course, you’re going to “be tha first one to bomb and cuss” as Tupac put it. Still, you have only yourself to blame. My damned entertainment because, well, I didn’t finish everything in The Walking Dead. I thought you would wake up this morning. So much for the “Starbucks theory” as you drank it, had a bite, and after a half-hour of Call me a LEGEND, you fell asleep. Disappointment again is the primary emotion. I remember being back in school so “in love” with you know who. I can’t live without her yeah right, but every day I was a failure, and every week there’s Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 012 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them by W. Anton
    Failed

Do you need even more failures? Here’s what we can’t talk about. If anything, it was scrapping my NO FAP 19-day streak that kept me from doing something stupid. Saying hello? On with the music, “But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,” so you keep quiet right now. Still, the neighbor lady wouldn’t have that. It’s an excuse I know but maybe having to call her back after leaving a note on my door. Wasn’t that all sorts of “particular” of me, and now you have to face more at the Day Job as I didn’t finish my book. Not reading or writing ever, ha. Only I’m no showman. No, you’re not like Chadwick Boseman. If you died today, no one would care. I don’t mean to be so bleak but only factual, which if I learned anything is not always wanted. Like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
  6. I AM Finishing The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them by W. Anton

So do I have any final advice or sage wisdom? Keep your pants on but be Willing To Be Disappointed.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 173 ~A Return To Innocence~

I won’t burst out into song or even a crying fit as sad as I am, I need to keep my fluids, and I must be the only guy looking for that stuff they used in the movie Equilibrium, or I need a woman like Winston Smith had. A Return To Innocence

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Lesson 173 ~A Return To Innocence~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
No Fear, though I let myself down, literally, a loss of power, a loss of control and what was it this time, a fantasy about a maid, what about a bit of erotica, an incredible hatefuck, or just that pornstar Holly Lane, a million excuses sadly.

Now the first thing is I’m not Winston Smith; I think whores are deadening which is strange because I instead enjoy making the most innocent of ladies claim whoredom or making them claim to be sluts. Is it just me or does every guy want some virgin, someone untouched and yet they seek out pretty much any woman that will spread their legs? Hell, I could take this to a biblical level, women are responsible for original sin right, and the church teaches that a man must have a godly household, okay creeping myself out.

Anyway, I’m in that period of being thoroughly disgusted at my weakness and vowing never to give in again and oh look I have three of my fantasies on my phone. The thing is it isn’t the somewhat porn that gets me, it’s the idea, hell not even the tease, just the sweetest things, the angels that drive me mad, maybe that’s why I appreciate the silence and the dark. Maybe I need the hurt and the pain, the humiliation, and the degradation; while running errands today I remembered my own Harvey Weinstein pervy attitude, doesn’t happen too often but such and such makes me hate myself all the more.

Maybe it’s just the holiday season but I think we honestly need a new plague and then that reminded me of “The Screwfly Solution” … relax Dirty Diana; I’m not that much of a psycho. One must think however what women do to men or is it merely genetics, could be kinky, but some like being choked during sex and others like doing the choking, spanking, bondage, you know, etc.

I miss the feeling of my innocence, around thirty-one days of it and you know what I felt, besides horny… more primal like I was on the hunt, and I didn’t just want any woman, I could have one if I wanted. Maybe I just want to feel all lovey-dovey only, A Return To Innocence.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

All work and no play, but what about some work and sitting on my behind, which is actually sort of perfect since I have been behind for quite some time now. “Playing God, Good, Guy” better than being a rock but what else could I be doing, try reading

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe disappointment, maybe depression, somewhat dejection but no fear which if this was my “Blackjack Scale” would probably be a five and no don’t hit me. I can’t help but feel like I’m giving up and for what more time, what have I been doing today though it feels good to have a clean inbox.

I’ve been catching up on TV for the most part and actually had decent food, didn’t I tell you that dinner went okay and that usually means not killing myself with something undercooked and actually having leftovers to look forward to. Any day I’m not sleeping the day away in bed… took a nap on the couch and nearly gave into temptation, not that anyone would care to be honest. Isn’t that what this is all about, thinking that someone cares when at the end of the day, it would just be so easy to just let this all go.

It’s what reminded me of the book, “The Hauntings of Playing God” a title that didn’t disappoint but I have plenty of authors that seem to be counting on me. While I have no problem telling people to f* off, I still hate letting people down if there is such a task that I have set my mind to and I am always my worst critic, though YouTube begs to differ, only that’s just me being invisible once again. What do they say, flattery will get you nowhere and what about criticism, if love is an open door, then a few bad words are like an invading force, that leaves nothing left behind to see.

Not that I’m burning my work down to the ground this time, though besides talking to you today what else have I done, what else is there left to do? This just gets me back to why I need a break as if I haven’t had enough of those just falling into the endless abyss.

It makes me question have I ever truly hit rock bottom or experienced true freedom though I can tell you about a time or two back in high school and of course when I was out walking the streets for a few. So what have I learned today, other than I should be playing if not working, or always so exhausted that I’m passed out as I’m dreaming, of course, I’m Playing God, Good, Guy?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 062 ~Rome in A Day~

If it took God six days why am I in such a rush, blasphemous, yes perhaps but compared to other crimes I’m accused of or actually did I’m quite comfortable with this one, but not at how my world is looking so far. “Rome in A Day”, so much to be seen.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Lesson 062 ~Rome in A Day~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and don’t be mad at me, disappointed for sure but not mad, maybe frustrated, but as they say, Rome was not built in a day and here I was trying for three hours maybe less but life happens. It could always be so much worse or so I was checking my stats from our former abode, whatever was I worried about but I should be if I’m going to get somewhere, being the boss *sigh*.

Let’s just say that today I got quite the lesson in fiction but I wonder how long it actually took to build Rome, no wonder Romans grew lazy after everything was said and done. As I said things can always be worse and I’m not burning down an empire, for now, I am attempting to build and you would think I have more than enough stones. Dare I call myself a prophet for yesterday, that was me in a rush and I’m still rushing but it’s going to take time.

Everything feels brand new, I mean I’m starting from scratch trying to learn the tricks of the trade and what about my considerable resources? We’re not in any danger and actually, I’m doing a pretty good thing today or maybe I’m just being an idiot; we’ll see, won’t we? I was telling “Indiana Gone” that I cannot be sitting here a year from now without making some serious strides, not even that do I step or do I leap forward?

“There are those who take steps, and those who make the great leap forward.
Those who stay as they are and those who become more than they ever thought possible.
They discover, explore, compete and are fearless.
There are those satisfied by common pursuits.
And those for whom the extraordinary will never be enough.
So ask yourself, will you step or will you leap?” Xbox One – E3 Jump Ahead

Today has been a leap and I’m still trying to calm myself down a bit but rule number three “now the real work begins” and I can’t let up, not even a little bit, not even at all but already I’m so tired. Will I replace fear for laziness, not at all Lady Lu, I swore that I’m going to do this and that is what is going to happen.

I make myself sound so serious don’t I but haven’t I been, even if I’ve been taking things a bit too seriously but that’s what it takes to be a man. I’m going to have to get used to this too, already we don’t have the whole day but of course, the news is, I got a real website now and whatever am I going to do with it now building Rome in A Day…