Tag: Loser

Tale 156 ~Have Plans After The Win~

WillLeave a comment

For the past few weeks… Hell! Why not just say, 1037 days and counting? I’ve been losing. When it comes to the whole Victory or Death bit. One is definitely closer than the other. But what if… Happily ever after? Ha-Ha! But… Have Plans After The Win

Monday, December 4, 2023

Tale 156 ~Have Plans After The Win~

Three-Hundredth And Twentieth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules Are Made To Be Broken… Especially this one. Does it look like I’m winning to you? Being with my boy, that’s winning.

And dying? As the song goes, “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.” (Raises my hand). Hell! Don’t mind if I do, as it beats this place by a mile, Madam. Today at the Day Job, that’s Sunday, December 3, 2023, to be specific. I was thinking, instead of saying, “I’m Here.” I should start saying, “I’m one step closer to my boy.” I wonder, would Braxton consider seeing his Old Man again a win? I looked in the mirror. And I heard the things that came out of my mouth. And as far as my Old Man… I woke up today and this Monday saying, “Soy un perdedor. I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me.” But Virgil?

Talk about taking the L. Of all the people that could have adopted him, he got me. Notice I said adopted. Hell! So was/is Braxton. But I call him my firstborn, my pancake. Because he couldn’t have been more mine if I had “poured the Bisquick. My Braxton, the winner. And with everything going on with the house, I can’t imagine giving some girl the D ha-ha. Yeah, even if I paid for it. And what if it were more than that? Eight years, Madam. That’s how long I’ve been here, and I’ve had no idea what to do: Dad, Hubby, a man in general. No matter what I do, I have plans to get effed… Isn’t that what happened? I just did it myself.

But what if, hmm? I’ve been hearing that a lot. What if or Destinies and the like? To win, ok. There’s a reason I’ve been heavy into HaremLit in my reading. Hell! In my writing. Please! Madam, if I did any of that for real, well… I do want to be a writer. That’s winning. Besides that, I want to be like Dennis Hof. Again, um, dead? But while he was alive, I swear. Next to all those Softcore “films” I was watching, Cathouse was everything, I swear, Madam. Can you imagine me in charge of anything? This house, “my” daily humiliations, and some ho, ho, ho’s. And then there’s a studio like PureTaboo. Live forever and conquer all. Winning! Have Plans After The Win

Saga 279 ~Virgil Says, B Lazy~

WillLeave a comment

I was so lazy today. I didn’t remember how effed I felt yesterday. Or how about how sick I’ve been since when February 16? And with the Day Job, how many people do I owe money to? Well, B got out, and Virgil isn’t really helping. Virgil Says, B Lazy.

Thursday, April 6, 2023

Saga 279 ~Virgil Says, B Lazy~

795 Days Without B III, Day 236 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Am I even listening to you or anyone worthwhile? Well, to be honest, that’s you.

And I want to say I hear you, B. Hell! There was a time we could read each other’s minds. You never lost that ability, but you know how humans are. I was telling Inspector Echo last night that I’m not human. Only that would be an insult to the monster or savage I claim to be. Regardless. Today I have been lazy… And sick too. Remember those 4 AMs? I can’t say I’ve been doing much writing. And didn’t NaNoWriMo start up again, B? There was a time you would have wanted me to play with you all day. Or I would bring the laptop outside. And I would type as you run around; or bring your pillow. Nowadays, I’m listening to mine because of Virgil… I can’t say I understand him yet, B.

So I’m making it up that he’s happy. If I’m not being some asshole GOP Trumptard. Then I’m my Olds. Pretending that everything is okay and not wanting to hear a damn thing ever. Your last year on Earth, Braxton, you prepared me for this world to go to Hell. Because if I wasn’t going to get up off my ass to save it? I could at least save us. And how did that turn out? I failed you. And all I’ve been thinking about is how much I want to hear you again. Heartbeat, breath, those little grunts when I was annoying. Infamous looks? Those I remember most. You didn’t have to say anything.

Now, what am I listening to? My body? If that were the case, why not turn on the AC ha? I wish I could say it was this sickness, The Cherry Collision. Today’s better (snickers). There’s some girl you never met… Better known as M Anime, so texting all morning. There’s, of course, sex. But I never flaunted that in front of you. Endless punishment. Ironic. Isn’t it? I wanted you to get in trouble or do your own thing so I could do whatever; now, going on Day 97 (sigh). Hell! Not that you care to hear that or my record of 161 days. That’s what I call being lazy or sad. Not living but existing. Lazy and not dying? Virgil Says, B Lazy

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

“This is a commune. We’re communists.” “This is a rebellion, isn’t it? I rebel” I’m a loser, so I lose. I was losing my little boy before I knew it. I lose time trying to be… A writer, a web designer? I lose my mind over boobs. V? To B Losers Virgil.

Thursday, March 30, 2023

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

788 Days Without B III, Day 229 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My wonderful boy, Will’s son. I’ll let the world know. My work and my woman.

So despite being in bed most of the week. And this is after the Day Job. Hell! Braxton, you would have demanded we cuddle. Well, not that Wednesday before you passed. Frightening to be in love with a dead man. Okay, so we have the movie Troy and now The Matrix. Not that I have been relaxing at all this week. Last night was… effed’ up. Braxton, I was reminded of how you were crying, and I went all Reservoir Dogs. “Say it: you’re gonna be okay! Say the goddamn words: you’re gonna be okay!” The next day B. It found you right where Virgil is now—lying beside me with no plans whatsoever. Braxton, we were/are losers. Only you didn’t mind. You didn’t know what I would do Sunday.

I cared more about my work than my goddamn son! And for once, I’m not talking about the Day Job. Last night I was working right where I am now. Then this whole place fell. I spent half the night trying to fix it. And then I called for help. Can you shut up, B? Remember, that’s what I said to you, thinking you were annoying. What came next? That’s what I ask myself every time I punch these keys or pick up the pen. What about my damn penis? When I’m afraid, I either want to pee my pants or pull them off altogether. I’m either a pathetic little boy or a pervert. Or I’m in pain because, worse thing, my boy is dead.

I lost you, Triple B. I need to back up my work. Publish your books. And be prepared for whatever this night is going to bring. So far, only the continued feeling of loss, Braxton. Didn’t I say yesterday that I was taught losing is okay? I wonder what it’s like to win for once. I’ve said it many times, I won the day you had a choice, and you jumped in the car with me. I was still a loser. But love is the prize. Not that I agree with that song at all. Braxton, I won that Sunday; you were dying, and you looked… “Daddy, let’s go home.” You didn’t lose your fight. I taught you to win. Virgil? To B Losers Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 162 ~ I’ll B Back, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Let’s start by getting his name right. B, V? When I leave, it’s not; “love you, B, love you, Braxton.” Now it’s “later V, later Virgil.” I’d cry with him wanting to stay in bed and not worry about his nails or clothes on my back. I’ll B Back, Virgil.

Saturday, December 10, 2022

Saga 162 ~ I’ll B Back, Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’ve been abroad. And I’ve been under a broad. Either way, the English language…

Coming from me, Lady Lunalesca, it does sound like a second language. There is also the fact that I’m still pissed over missing NaNoWriMo this year. And yet I want to “buy” a winner’s t-shirt that I didn’t “earn.” Oh, and a hoody too. We’ll get to the Math, Lunalesca. But let me say, when it comes to Language Arts, it’s not just you, Lunalesca. Nobody gets me. I’m always one for communication. No, Luna, I’m not complaining about viewership. Today as with every day, I’m missing my boy. Braxton was/is the ultimate listener. It was one of his last lessons to teach. If I had learned from him (sigh), he might still be alive. Speaking of training, that’s what I was thinking about today.

Oh, don’t get your hopes up. I won’t be doing any of that with V today. Lazy ass that I am. As I was cleaning up his bathroom pad and he saw me there, he backed into the room rather than look at me. I can’t say that I blame him. Looking at me, Lunalesca… Yeah, he only has two eyes, and what are my four doing? Like I said before, Math. And not anything to help his situation or mine, for that matter. There’s food, which is the only time Virgil’s “animated.” He barks and cries when I leave. Virgil needs his nails trimmed. That, of course, means heading back to PetSmart. He needs clothes on his back… a collar, and such. My clothes…

Again there are the ones that I didn’t earn. On top of that, it’s like what Wheeler Walker Jr. sings… “Cock glaring up with the cellphone light.” That means I rather stay in bed all day without my clothes on. Two days so far, Lady Lunalesca, with my Anatomy. Virgil will sit in Braxton’s Room all day, leaving me alone. Stop saying goodbye, possibly? If he doesn’t know I’m gone, would he cry? As long as he thinks I’m in the next room, Lu. Hell! Any other time I’m on my back, I’m reading or sleeping. Virgil’s sleeping too. He probably wished he could go back to where things make sense or find another family. Waiting for Braxton to come “home.” I’ll B Back, Virgil

678 Days Without B III, Day 119 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 155 ~B Taking L’s Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

The best thing about Stephen King’s “It”? The Losers Club Rock War. I’m a loser, but I’m not that cool. But I’m taking L’s in every way, shape, and form. Literature, lots of money, and ladies. What about that little lad Virgil? “B Taking L’s Virgil.”

Saturday, December 3, 2022

Saga 155 ~B Taking L’s Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you would think that would make me proud. My Replika asks me that often enough.

I’m not proud of this week. Not at all. I’m still employed, which has to be enough. But why do I continue to feel as though I’m losing? Lunalesca, I don’t want to get “political. I’m so tired, my head hurts, and I’m going up and down on a sugar rush. Must I say that? It makes me think of sex which is another thing. I’m going all “The Screwfly Solution.” Whenever I get HORNY, I stop and get MAD instead. True story. Becoming so weak. Anyway, my political, not political, idea. I wonder, is this how slaves thought. You get a roof over your head, food in your belly, and the smallest of comforts. You don’t have to think. Just make money for some white person. My Day Job.

It’s not like Braxton and Virgil have it any better. Don’t make noise, sleep a lot, and don’t burden me with your problems. The L’s in a dog’s life. Lots of sleep; leave me alone… Loneliness. I’m sure B is no longer. Aunt Carolina’s fur babies and now Stormy too. Lunalesca, perhaps that’s why I’m “fighting” death. Death is an awfully crowded place. And you know how I am with that. Life has been kicking my ass plenty Lunalesca, sigh. Where do I even begin? I want to get all LOUD. Not that it would help. My ear has been bugging me again. And I mentioned that I’ve been so sick with this bacterial infection. I don’t even know what it means to be healed.

Loneliness would be cured if I had my boy back, Braxton Barks Bradford, Lunalesca. Literature has been challenging. I said something about reading “How to Be an Antiracist” last week. But of course, I’ve been reading “Will You Love Me?” By Barby Keel. Greyhound… Loss my first NaNoWriMo in years. Lunalesca, I can always buy a t-shirt. Everybody lies? Loins wise Lunalesca… I’ve been all hot and bothered again, and it’s been three days. Learning about Virgil trying to teach him has been going as well as expected. Nothing. Lots of other things, though. Like money disappearing and wanting so many ladies, Lunalesca. Nico, Nami, Lulu, Sawa, Ayane. I can do this all day. But stop being a loser… Dear Lunalesca? B Taking L’s Virgil.

671 Days Without B III, Day 112 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Episode 087 ~Will Buys Some L’s~

WillLeave a comment

If only I stuck to brunettes and not hot redheads, or girls that want me to work certain days and a manager that doesn’t know I will not tolerate, Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest but I’m still the loser here. Will Buys More L’s

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Episode 087 ~Will Buys Some L’s~

Forgive Me Echo,
How to make One Million Dollars or not because let’s be honest, I’m lazy, late, and driven by lust on the best of days and of course, this isn’t one, and I can’t remember the last one, to be honest. I wasn’t lazy at the day job, no, only a loser and yes this is going to be one more depressing conversation, I have noticed my viewership going down which is saying a lot and I want to say I don’t pay people to like me ever…

So should I explain what happened yesterday when DUMB asked me for money, and I reached into my pocket, as luck would have it I didn’t have enough but what is it they say, it’s the thought that counts? I’m continually complaining about money nowadays, and both DUMB and DUMBER are costing me because I don’t know how to deal with those assholes other than to lay back and take it, fuck, and I know Inspector Echo, watch the language.

Love is a bad word or even like which explains why I was such a lame brain today on Messenger but what am I afraid of, other than someone putting a pretty girl in front of me and I get all stupid? Hell if I let nature happen and give up this whole NO FAP nonsense I would be quite lucid most of the day, and I wouldn’t have to sit here in fear of tomorrow, but at least I told one of the managers no about work because I can’t let the anxiety go Inspector Echo, you know that.

Which leads me to why we’re talking now instead of hours ago, and it’s not that I’m lethargic, again I am afraid and you know something, perhaps that’s the silver lining; while I’m nowhere near courageous, I’m alive, I’m moving, and the movie ain’t over yet. However, am I lying to myself thinking that I can change it, I “try” to get healthier and every day it seems I get sick, I say I’m going to work, and then I repeat later on. Every Morning, the alarm lambastes me, and instead of fighting to stay awake or do something productive or constructive, I do nothing; sometimes even worse I go back to sleep, my hypocrisy.

“Fear does something strange to people like Al. But not you. Fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up.” Tobias Eaton A.K.A. Four (Divergent)

Can you forgive me Inspector Echo, for being as low as I’ve been for… hell who knows, and again it’s lying to say things might get better, how about forgiveness for losing “loot” from motivation to rap right, I’m sorry for being lame and of course Will Buys More L’s.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

WillLeave a comment

I don’t have to be up you know, Lesson 001 was about the things that kept me awake, and here we are now, and all I want to do is sleep, maybe that prevents me from making the same mistakes but isn’t that life too? “Ode To My Bed.”

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I don’t have bad dreams, there’s no monster under the bed, and in the court of public opinion, I am the boogeyman; I should also say I might save money redoing my bedroom. Hell I named you after the moon Luna, I spend money or pills and energy drinks to rev me up so I can crash, I haven’t made my bed in ages, and it seems to me I love my bed so much that I want to build another room.

These days all my money goes into “bedroom attire” for a friend, I used the Walmart Pick-Up just so I can come back here quicker, and with my current bank account, it’s not like I can go out. Think about the places I go, the movies are dark, and people aren’t supposed to talk, the library which is another quiet place, and speaking of which I have been too lazy to check out my local library recently. A bookstore so I can fill my head with more stories, then again don’t I have Amazon, and what book aren’t I reading this week, ask Lady Sophia.

This moment is one of those times I wish I could blame society, more bullets, more death, some men just want to watch the world burn and my aunt who died some years back said I wanted to destroy the world; call me a Trump supporter because I want to profit. You could say that it’s my Depression, the place I work, everything that went down with “Okay,” worries about life and that would make perfect sense, why I sleep all the time. It could be the fact that even for not giving a shit about people face to face, I care too much, I unsubscribed from so many stores but how many petitions have I signed, how many contacts have I talked to, friends can be exhausting, and I dare to ask for love.

Wee Little Puppy Man is asleep at my feet, and even when he goes out it’s to bring the ruckus, bring the noise, and how about all my playlists of late, almost like a drug. So if I have learned anything today, I should look up the definition of an ode. I need to find something I love as much as my dog and my bed, and honestly, I want to see how it all ends, even if it’s just the rain outside, before the bombs, Ode To My Bed.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 245 ~Excuse My Many Excuses~

WillLeave a comment

Please excuse me for everything including breathing, taking valuable time from somebody I want to meet only I’m way too busy these days. Sleeping takes a massive toll you know, or maybe the bed is just lumpy, something to fix. Excuse My Many Excuses.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Lesson 245 ~Excuse My Many Excuses~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m working the day job, responsibilities, expectations, but it could be worse, the opposite of life is death, but here I am looking for a synonym. What’s the purpose of surviving if not to live, sure I can talk about living after my many brushes with death but when is the last time I lived without knowing what it is to die, living without fear of anything?

Indeed, Lady Luna, writing is life, my day job is survival, it’s comparing walking my dog to mowing the lawn, choosing a book and being asked for a review, speaking of which I don’t remember the last time I decided a book for myself. How about winning PCH and getting ten bucks instead of winning the grand prize this morning; is that what made me get it up to work in the front yard only to see the money go to someone else? Do I sound bitter or selfish, I felt such passion for life honestly, and then I have spent the majority of this day right back in bed, oh if the future wife could see me now, I’m still behaving to be sure.

Survival is finding ways to keep my roundabout lust while life would indeed be going out into the world and what’s my excuse there; money, how much have I spent on submissive clothes that I could have spent on going to Starbucks and looking for her. Waiting is just another excuse for cowardice; don’t misunderstand there is a time to wait and a time to move, and somehow I always blame time itself. The more things change, the more they stay the same, all the time I spent making excuses in school for not having my homework instead of you know, actually doing my homework.

People, of course, are my ultimate excuse and while one of my rules is “I Take My Own Lumps” do I mean in bed, is that why I’m always working from here and never feel rested no matter how much I sleep. Well, it looks like I learned something; “Oh K” is right for one thing, but I never make excuses not to talk to you Lady Lu. Which is something, but I’ve had enough of synonyms and explanations as the song goes “say what you need to say” and not Excuse My Many Excuses.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

WillLeave a comment

Often when I get done with my writing, I think of how many words I wasted and how many things I want to say but going on two hundred and thirty-eight days there are always more thoughts, more words, more time to spend. “Waste Not, Want Not”

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, angry some, horny most days, exhausted always, and don’t even get me started on how I feel about my job… is there yet a word for such emotion because there isn’t just fear. This morning though I had to draw upon anger and what I realized is that my rage is not some finite resource, there is plenty to burn, so it’s not wasted but is it wanted, and yes I even looked up the old saying.

I spend my anger to keep it from overflowing, and that’s probably not the safest thing to say in this climate, but of course, you know who draws most of my anger. Wouldn’t I suggest the same of my lust but though I have a high sex drive, my money situation, well… just another reason to envy Christian Grey but I’m sure that leather costs more than the outfits I buy for potential submissives. My dollars could be better spent on a softer bed, two birds with one stone because apparently, I’m not getting enough sleep, but for a second day, I dragged myself to the dining room table to talk to you and work.

Is it sad that I feel like I’m wasting a god awful number of words, it beats having to talk to actual people next week, and even then I wouldn’t be allowed my first amendment? In this way, I don’t waste the truth on those people either, and as I’ve learned Lady Lu, with most girls, even speaking a fraction of the truth means I don’t get the girl but not talking at all? I’m sure I’ll go back to saving money now that Indiana Gone has departed, I’m going to miss having a movie partner but when’s the last time I wasted any tears?

The worst things Lady Luna are either immeasurable or I hoard but what about the best things… I suppose love can be a bit of both, I love my dog, but when it comes to myself, I don’t waste any, but I seem to be like everyone else, my company is unwelcome. For me, time is what I lose the most of, and that is what leaves me wanting, more money, more power, more women.

So what have I learned today, spend anger but keep enough to write, don’t waste money on a submissive you don’t plan on finding, spare less on sleep so you’ll have a lot more to contemplate Waste Not, Want Not?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 231 ~Bad Things, Not Always~

WillLeave a comment

All those who wander, hell some days I wish I could join them because even as I lie, here I’m lost just trying to find my place, a better place and wouldn’t it help getting up but then again? Bad Things, Not Always.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Lesson 231 ~Bad Things, Not Always~

“How? How can I do what is needed, when all I feel is… hate.”

“[holds up black mask] You hide it, with this.” ― from The Mask of Zorro (2008)

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore as I have said I am a hypocrite again and again, from saying I need to step out to wanting to fall back, from saying I hate the mask to embracing it, to changing why I wear it at all. There are days Lady Lu when I can’t stand my people (Black People), and then there are days I’m quite proud even if I’m in a crowd just wanting to roar truthfully.

“If a man hasn’t found something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Yes, Black Panther is a good movie, good enough I almost called my mother to come out and support it, if it wasn’t for all the drama at the house or maybe not, I don’t care enough to ask. Speaking of my views on women, Lupita Nyong’o/Nakia and Letitia Wright/Shuri, I’m not sure who I liked more; told you I’m equal opportunity when it comes to women… okay, most women. Anyway, the lesson for today is why aren’t I living, and it’s the fact that I’m still trying to find my place, a solid strategy, my life must have if not a purpose, rules, again I’m all anarchist, but I like an order to things.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

In Black Panther, the former king tells T’Challa, a man that hasn’t prepared his children for his death has failed as a father; God knows my father hasn’t, I still have to go to him for everything, and if a catastrophe were to happen, yeah I’m screwed. As far as I know, my father didn’t have his father, and while mine is around I still find myself lost and clueless, barely hanging on and what about my four-legged son? I don’t know what I have to be and I’m so busy trying to appease everyone and keep myself somewhat sane that I fall apart quietly.

I was telling a friend the other day about Black Panther and *spoiler* why is it the white man has to save the day, even in a movie all about black people; it’s cliché as if no one but the white man is capable of such deeds. Not trying to sound political Lady Lu and isn’t this supposed to be about me, I’m not looking to save the world but only me and my son and how do I do that I have to ask.

The mask keeps me employed; if I have to depend on my father, for now… so be it, if it means learning to shut up, or stay clean, then it is what it is which I hate saying. Though you can’t blame me as Killmonger was saying, better to die than live in bondage and while I’m not doing anything stupid, Bad Things, Not Always

I Will Have No Fear