Tag: Evolve

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

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Caveman had no choice but, to tell the truth without words, only the civilized find reasons to lie and yet for some reason I want to be one of them as well. You Are Not A Caveman but I am not a liar either

Monday, October 16, 2017

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

Second Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear because there was not a word for it, and though I’m sure they felt it, hell as a society we damn near worship it by what right did we give it voice? Do we think ourselves civilized, evolved, just less stupid, that’s a great fear, I sound stupid?

It wouldn’t matter if I ever escaped my cave or if I remained for all time, word and sound echo off the wall and yes I am my own worse critic. We all continue to act on primal urges don’t we, “Indian Gone” and I both agree if some men would just shut up, men would have an easier time with women. What about the fact that we have so many words, so many languages and nobody seems to understand anyone, they just talk and talk but they never listen and yet I’m a fool.

Here’s something for your consideration, who have I ever asked that question of, what do you think of me, do you want me, do you need me, do you believe in me, do you love me, who has actually heard God’s own voice? We’re taught to believe words over deeds, one of my least favorite sayings is a picture is worth a thousand words, dance, art, photography, what about the concept of spoken word? Words are cheap so no wonder people buy thousands and I sit here a pauper or maybe I rather find the words I really want and yet here we are Justice.

How many times would I rather call everyone else stupid, that I can’t be bothered with the idiocracy of it all, I have so many voices speaking of above me, for me, about me, that I wonder what would it matter if I spoke at all? Anxiety Justice, because what is it I want to say other than the truth, that I have buried it along with a caveman because the truth is always the truth no matter the word, action or the speaker himself. That is why I can’t be the caveman, I have to speak, and for the love of everything if I choose to remain silent, don’t let my actions themselves hide the truth, smile, laugh, pretend.

This is simply a statement of fact, the caveman learned, evolved, adapted, overcome and with so much time I should already know this by now You Are Not A Caveman.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

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Tell me you’ll do better next time and I’ll believe you, almost makes me crack up and I believe you or I believe in you is a story for another time. Do Better Next Time, if such a time does come?

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’ll do better next time, you know one of these days I’m going to make a list of the words and phrases I hate the most in the English language but today it’s these four simple words. You know you only get one chance at a first impression and today I think I blew one, okay two, probably a few more I wasn’t that observant.

“I’ll do better next time.

German.

I’ll do better next time.

Italian.

I’ll do better next time.

Spanish.

Spanish.

Did you really want me to snap your neck?” Hanna (2011)

I’m still thinking with that old world mentality that I’m not sure I’ll even see tomorrow so why bother doing my best, even when it comes to you Lady Lu, when will I see you again or I’ll do better next time. Ironically isn’t that why I should try my best because it’s with this I’ll be remembered; give me a reason to stay here, with all my work I don’t want my parents getting rich off me at some point. Another reason not to mince words and say whatever I feel… yeah, I’m afraid.

Maybe I’m just an idiot you know, I mean however are you supposed to introduce yourself to someone when you don’t really know yourself. That’s no secret, it’s just I like to think I know parts of myself, the gross parts according to some, yet another reason I hate looking in the mirror, hell I didn’t know who I would meet today. Isn’t everybody in the same boat when that comes to me, you know better than anyone my friend.

Isn’t that what I’m always talking about, evolving and like any mutant this is not always welcome and it can be a far within as easily as a fight without but once you make that first impression… Well I think everything else comes off as an impersonation but then again at least I’m honest, a bad type of honest sadly.
“And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you.” Good Will Hunting

Speaking of honesty do you know how many times I have rehearsed my tirade for my coworkers only to say nothing at all when the time comes. Hell in a way it’s good to know I’m not alone in this, I’ll do better next time when it comes to working.

At the rate things are going at work I will have plenty of opportunities to have a first impression and I will have some people so confused; I’m not much of a trainer in the day job aspect. Going back to the dirty I could tell you exactly what I want who I am but even role play might be a symptom of something, maybe, you think? With the first impressions maybe I should go wreck a few more across the board, it might help me get over the last impression I gave Ms. Seasons.

You should have seen me this morning Luna, I should have seen myself but I felt that overwhelming dread, just like when there was all that trouble with “Senseless” for days on end I was just stomping hard as if I could crush the memory, caveman. I wonder what sort of impression I give off to animals, these days I’m so scared as to how Braxton sees me. Here’s a start, I see myself as his father, no ifs, and, or buts, only if I am anything like my father I’m pretty screwed; these final impressions can be pretty bad.

Not that Braxton is going anywhere of course except to the groomers, I still wonder how the people at PetSmart see me, I mean no one wants to be looked at as the negligent parent. With how many ticks they have pulled off of him, what do I think about, I’ll do better next time but sometimes we don’t have the luxury of a next time, do it right first.

“Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” John Mason, The Rock

How about we forget about meeting people and just think about the general everyday interaction, for example, this guy I saw who helped these women in Walmart. What about how hard it is to remember all these things I’ve been trying to teach myself and put them together into something that passes for a human.

I’m not so upset about the store because of those women, I saw were of no interest to me but I do like to think of myself as a gentleman, look at that, dog dad, gentleman, things that nobody gets from me the first time around. Anyway so this guy, old guy helps these women with a big carton of water, I just had to admit that the man has class, or maybe I’m digging too deep into this. Who knows if they’ll ever meet again but the fact is, how do you think they saw this guy if I was so impressed with him?

To this day I can tell you about the first brunette that ever got to me and after her, well there has never been any other type of girl for me. Was it simply the look of her, her kindness, her voice, her eyes, I mean everything and nothing, so you don’t have to ask me why it hurt so much, by comparison, Ms. Seasons was… anyway, this first brunette back in junior college nearly got me kicked out of school. The more things change, and our final impressions of each other, what she thought of me, I honestly don’t want to remember because it will be so much worse.

So what have we learned today, repeating history, first impressions are everything and confusing to those around us but even worse when there is a battle within. Lady Lu, to be fair today was a bit easier but I’m not where I need to be, I’ll Do Better Next Time.

I Will Have No Fear

How God Shall I Evolve

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Talking to myself, somebody I can’t stand, other people, my anxiety, I think that all of us needed to hear this, to be honest, but can I actually say it though? “How God Shall I Evolve”, no wonder he never speaks to us.

EXPLAIN while the earth revolves
like an engine on its last miles
or a man treating his car like a child
with his words in a pinch
But mine will no longer be
as they flow like the sea
So I will stand tall

LEARNING so that I may one day solve
of you and I while
the question remains what makes you smile
if only it is me after all
Perhaps the words are cheese
yet this mouse shall remain free
I shall not flinch

VACANT in my fear, no I will not be absolved
listen to not a beg or plea
I’m fresh out of apologies
Conclusion, done, the end, lynched
from my vocabulary file
maybe only to be exiled
leaving me to maul

LOST words that shall now be involved
without a fear of trial
be they vulgar or vile
Let me run, walk, or crawl
and not take a knee
Your words will no longer be me
Shall I no longer be a grinch?

VALUE my existence I have hereby resolved
My head no longer buried in the tile,
the sand, the muck, my own bile
Boyz II Men, “I Will Get There” I’ll get through this
Such words will be free
Hello, Goodbye, Thank You, Yes, No, not maybe
No longer a caveman, I see the writing on the wall

ENUNCIATE damn you, with anxiety and gall
Make them earn your smile and do not while
Your own life they speak, they laugh, they sneer and revile
To be given one inch
Defend it, with all you are and hope to be, after BC
For I am a man, not a boy, nor a monster, a pest or a flea
Do you hear me Ms. Seasons” all of you, I can, I Will, Evolve

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 035 ~To The Caveman’s Diploma~

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Did cavemen even have names, I might as well not have one, how many coworkers get mine wrong and I just say nothing because… yeah, I’m a fool and a grunt isn’t really an answer now is it? To The Caveman’s Diploma, it’s time to graduate

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Lesson 035 ~To The Caveman’s Diploma~

Hey Lady Lu,
NO FEAR, I suppose we’re both going to have to get used to that aren’t we but at least I bother to say hey to you at all right. Yeah, this isn’t just a phase but a new way of life though that’s easy to say from the comfort of their bed.

Maybe I can understand why people say their prayers from their bedrooms, other than being prudent, the place that you feel comfortable enough to lay your head is the place it is easiest to be yourself, your cave as it was. That’s the thing though isn’t it, I’m trying to be a better version of myself and I’m not going to find him here. It must be the same thing when people go off to college to find themselves, hell me fate was fixed, I was in so many pieces honestly I was just trying to find enough to hold whatever I could find together.

So today’s lesson I present to you, a question, how do you think the first caveman took it when somebody told him to shut up, that nothing he said mattered, that maybe he was stupid. I’m sure those caves ran out of room on those walls at some point and then that man took a deep breath and it wasn’t a grunt it wasn’t a show of force it was simply a word. What do you think the first word was, I understand the ‘no’ in the planet of the apes but would it be the same for a man?

Maybe that’s my first fear, that I’ll sound like an idiot, as far as I know, I already do, I have nothing in common with people at work, maybe a movie here or there and how much conversation is that. “Indiana Gone” would say it’s quite a lot since we watch a lot of movies only we’ve never had a serious face to face conversations but that’s not my anxiety.

Another fear is what I’m going to say, “the incident” I haven’t gone back to talk to “Ms. Seasons” though I know she has big things happening; mostly out of anger and I actually feel bad but then again that isn’t really talking. If a woman about to travel the world gets me so mad, imagine a woman right in front of me, no worries, I’m not my father still you know my bad temper.

If it isn’t my bad temper then I’m certified NSFW, if anything I’m still avoiding my real work on the SCC, though I think my poetry is becoming somewhat more “revealing”. I swear people have to give me something, I can’t talk about this that or the other and then people wonder why I don’t talk at all. How to begin again like Sarina from “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” or Shenice/Shebang from “Static Shock” … I wonder how many people actually know these two characters.

There I go from feeling stupid around people to the idea that no one will have any idea what I’m talking about but at least this wasn’t “skeevy and inappropriate” was it. How about if no one cares, I mean those who were supposed to care the most were the first to shut me down and then I just stopped trying and I don’t want to be one of those using words to breathe if anything I breathe for the words if that makes any sense. Then again I find myself here, hoping any word at all will make any sort of difference, first, it’s prayers, then drinks, how about delusions of grandeur too.

When Caesar spoke for the first time to the apes he became a leader he became a king, but the people that talk nowadays really shouldn’t talk at all. The Tower of Babel, wasn’t that God’s way of telling people to shut up, and what were the people shouting back to him, so many questions?

“You can draw sounds?

Draw sounds? Yes, I can draw sounds… and I can speak them back.” The 13th Warrior

Sometimes I forget the power of words, and while I doubt mine will be anything new, I know first-hand what one little voice can do, especially when no one is expecting it. Once I get going down this path I’m going to simply refuse to stop, yet another concern who the hell will I be?

This is just the start of my evolution as I’m thinking of it, little caveman doing the writing on the wall and soon enough I’m going to have to start reading it. I’m going to have to leave the cave and look out onto the world and decide what I want to make and I can’t let anyone stop me. It sounds crazy doesn’t it, sounds like stuff I read and instead of taking it truly to heart I just went back into my cave.

“The whole system makes me feel so… insignificant.

Excellent. You’ve made a real breakthrough.

I have?

Yes, Z. You ARE insignificant.” the movie Antz (1998)

So what if I make people mad, I’ve made plenty of people mad in the past and now I need to look towards the future and tomorrow will be a major test of my new resolve. Two things, keep my head up no matter what and for the love of anything speak, doesn’t even matter anymore, even if I am a fool I know this world. I may not know who I will be but I am done letting other people decide for me without a doubt, better to be my own fool than being theirs… that may not change.

While I’m getting rid of those grunts of mine, if it makes me feel better, then how about getting rid of “maybe”, what about “sorry”, might as well get rid of this stupid smile that’s been plastered on my face. When the first caveman graduated, evolved, you know what he probably said, like when I wrote my first word my own name, he probably said man, me, or I, and here’s To The Caveman’s Diploma.

I Will Have No Fear