Lesson 266 ~Thou Doth Protest Too~

I’m starting with the man in the mirror but usually, that’s a discussion for another time, today people all of the U.S.A. are trying to hold that mirror up to the country while I just lie here, my body protesting life. Thou Doth Protest Too

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Lesson 266 ~Thou Doth Protest Too~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today or at least that’s what my body tells me; to be sure I had so many plans today but I stayed in bed just down for the count and my mind was playing tricks on me. Am I going to be all creative now and mention music or going to see Pacific Rim: Uprising, you’re probably the second person I can talk to about that film honestly.

Too bad the silent treatment isn’t exactly welcomed at work, as it would even matter, to anyone, too many people speaking for me anyway and how can I resist; I know it sounds pretty in song form, but that’s what I have been thinking about lately. Later on today people will be protesting against what’s wrong with this country, and there is a small bit of me that would like to join them. Not trying to sound suicidal but my body is protesting life itself, and that shows that things need to change if I would only just get up.

When did I turn all political, I know things can be better Lady Luna and it is scary to think that they can’t be and then I get angry because I know, I can do this, emphasis on DO but honestly what do I want to protest? Hell haven’t I tried, did I tell you what happened at work, that my First Amendment rights don’t exist, for the moment I still have my job. Again there is fear that everything would fall apart for me if I fought back but isn’t it already, trying to keep those with oh so fragile egos together, think Meg from “Family Guy” just saying.

There’s also so much to fight for, too much, every day there are petitions, animals in need crimes being committed and I want to help, but I was looking at my budget the other day, besides what little pleasures I allow, McDonald’s trip, a movie. Now, how about Starbucks, just enough to buy a small drink to soothe my conscience and anxiety to sit in a coffeehouse and hope for something that may never be.

Resist is what I have learned today, okay one more song “Man In The Mirror” Lady Luna how often have I told you about that line in Schindler’s List, “save a life and save the world entire” and that’s what these kids are doing, fighting to save their lives. I lied, the last song Pray For Me “You need a hero, look in the mirror, there go your hero” so if I want to save myself, Thou Doth Protest Too.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 259 ~Here Comes The Sun~

I’m not tired, to the contrary I’m quite tired, but it’s nothing that sleep can cure… did I just say that; I’ll probably be out all day but then again how is that different from any other day just slipping away? Here Comes The Sun

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Lesson 259 ~Here Comes The Sun~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but if that’s the case, why can’t I sleep, it’s nearly four in the morning and trust me I slept but I woke up at maybe twelve, and I’ve been up ever since, in more ways than one… Reasons I stay awake and yes being horny is one. Yesterday was a real nail-biter, but I got back in touch with “Cherry,” wrote that song for the dog, talked to Lady Sophia and even worked on my novel some at the behest of “Indiana Gone,” I even went to a movie, “Tomb Raider.”

Hell is that not what my bedroom has become, am I not a vampire, with everything I have survived I must have super strength, I don’t see myself in the mirror, I leave in the dark and rush back to the house, I live off watching people bleed. If I’m not a vampire, I would say, zombie, with my phone I don’t need to have a brain, I eat enough to stay animated, and I’m not too picky, I jump at loud noises and usually have to investigate them. How about Frankenstein’s monster, awake only to do my master’s bidding, whoever that is at the time and if I didn’t have that then what’s next?

Is it my depression, do I need another song idea besides Nina Simone or Usher “Confessions Part II.” Fortunately, that’s Wednesday’s problem, and I’m still looking forward to being employed? Now you can see why I would rather be the monster in this scenario because what was that about not being afraid, again I’ve been up and scared to death about my job before. I wish I could say I’m finishing up everything that I need to do today, yesterday, the day before, reminds me of my math class and just writing the problem over again and again, these days I just make lists that keep getting longer everyday Lu.

You’re not a chore more a habit, and I keep asking myself where the time goes when I’m not looking up porn or sleeping as you can guess, I don’t have much of a life, judging by the things we discuss. So like a real therapist you ask me why I’m not sleeping like someone sane this night, and that is just something else I’m going to have to learn.

What have I learned today, when the day hasn’t even started yet, maybe this is just my standard work time, and that’s sad that I’m getting ready for the inevitable conclusion of getting fired but still Here Comes The Sun.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

I don’t have to be up you know, Lesson 001 was about the things that kept me awake, and here we are now, and all I want to do is sleep, maybe that prevents me from making the same mistakes but isn’t that life too? “Ode To My Bed.”

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I don’t have bad dreams, there’s no monster under the bed, and in the court of public opinion, I am the boogeyman; I should also say I might save money redoing my bedroom. Hell I named you after the moon Luna, I spend money or pills and energy drinks to rev me up so I can crash, I haven’t made my bed in ages, and it seems to me I love my bed so much that I want to build another room.

These days all my money goes into “bedroom attire” for a friend, I used the Walmart Pick-Up just so I can come back here quicker, and with my current bank account, it’s not like I can go out. Think about the places I go, the movies are dark, and people aren’t supposed to talk, the library which is another quiet place, and speaking of which I have been too lazy to check out my local library recently. A bookstore so I can fill my head with more stories, then again don’t I have Amazon, and what book aren’t I reading this week, ask Lady Sophia.

This moment is one of those times I wish I could blame society, more bullets, more death, some men just want to watch the world burn and my aunt who died some years back said I wanted to destroy the world; call me a Trump supporter because I want to profit. You could say that it’s my Depression, the place I work, everything that went down with “Okay,” worries about life and that would make perfect sense, why I sleep all the time. It could be the fact that even for not giving a shit about people face to face, I care too much, I unsubscribed from so many stores but how many petitions have I signed, how many contacts have I talked to, friends can be exhausting, and I dare to ask for love.

Wee Little Puppy Man is asleep at my feet, and even when he goes out it’s to bring the ruckus, bring the noise, and how about all my playlists of late, almost like a drug. So if I have learned anything today, I should look up the definition of an ode. I need to find something I love as much as my dog and my bed, and honestly, I want to see how it all ends, even if it’s just the rain outside, before the bombs, Ode To My Bed.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 250 ~U R A Fever~

I can honestly say I didn’t expect to be writing this at the moment, a beautiful woman, a fantasy worthy of any porn but today I’m just the guy that couldn’t play the game. U R A Fever; was it because I’m sick?

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Lesson 250 ~U R A Fever~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, only for once I wish I was, it would keep me from making an ass of myself and speaking of which why does hers have to be so lovely, the things you notice when you’re horny. My mother taught me never to go shopping when you’re hungry because you’re sure to buy anything and don’t I have money burning a hole in my pocket right now.

“All that hate’s gonna burn you up, kid.
It keeps me warm.” Red Dawn (1984)

I’m not mad either, okay that’s a lie, but I’m mad at myself, a Dominant indeed any man, in general, isn’t going to score every time, it’s that fire, that heat, that keeps him going out there as if I’ve been going out there. Maybe tomorrow but seeing as how today didn’t go somewhat as planned; blew up in my face is more like it, back to Amazon I go. Hell, a Dominant has to spend money, not Christian Grey money but I like beautiful submissives. As the song goes “this is why I’m hot” because I’m horny, big surprise there right? I’m back to hating myself at the moment, and the heat is on, though the weather is warm. She told me that was my master plan to get her clothes off. I wish I were that smart honestly.

If you want to know how I saw this day going; she would sit on my bed, and I would show her the closet I cleaned out, just for submissive wear as I told her, you’re a gift, that’s why I wrap you in such pretty things. And I want to unwrap you. Now maybe this is something you need to learn *pulls out Playboy Scholar uniform*, and this must seem like Wonderland to you *pulls out Miss Wonderland costume* but princess *pulls out Enchanted Bikini Belle* you’re mine. I still haven’t thought of anything for the Asian inspired getup but I will, only my game is, just shit; not the shit just shit, you know game recognize game, Diana.

“The willingness to walk away, above all other factors, does more to tell a woman of your high value than any amount of money can. You must be prepared to follow through and to fully believe that you’ll never see or hear from her again, because women instinctively know when you’re faking.”
― Roosh V, Bang: The Pickup Bible That Helps You Get More Lays

You know how these days the cure is usually worse than the virus, for me if I’ going to get over my fever for one girl I have to burn for something so much hotter. So these past few days I’ve imagined this “Black Room” you know like “The Red Room of Pain.” It just doesn’t solve the underlying issue of a lack of females in this house, but at least I’m still not “Fapping” but seriously that girl, to say, U R A Fever.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 245 ~Excuse My Many Excuses~

Please excuse me for everything including breathing, taking valuable time from somebody I want to meet only I’m way too busy these days. Sleeping takes a massive toll you know, or maybe the bed is just lumpy, something to fix. Excuse My Many Excuses.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Lesson 245 ~Excuse My Many Excuses~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m working the day job, responsibilities, expectations, but it could be worse, the opposite of life is death, but here I am looking for a synonym. What’s the purpose of surviving if not to live, sure I can talk about living after my many brushes with death but when is the last time I lived without knowing what it is to die, living without fear of anything?

Indeed, Lady Luna, writing is life, my day job is survival, it’s comparing walking my dog to mowing the lawn, choosing a book and being asked for a review, speaking of which I don’t remember the last time I decided a book for myself. How about winning PCH and getting ten bucks instead of winning the grand prize this morning; is that what made me get it up to work in the front yard only to see the money go to someone else? Do I sound bitter or selfish, I felt such passion for life honestly, and then I have spent the majority of this day right back in bed, oh if the future wife could see me now, I’m still behaving to be sure.

Survival is finding ways to keep my roundabout lust while life would indeed be going out into the world and what’s my excuse there; money, how much have I spent on submissive clothes that I could have spent on going to Starbucks and looking for her. Waiting is just another excuse for cowardice; don’t misunderstand there is a time to wait and a time to move, and somehow I always blame time itself. The more things change, the more they stay the same, all the time I spent making excuses in school for not having my homework instead of you know, actually doing my homework.

People, of course, are my ultimate excuse and while one of my rules is “I Take My Own Lumps” do I mean in bed, is that why I’m always working from here and never feel rested no matter how much I sleep. Well, it looks like I learned something; “Oh K” is right for one thing, but I never make excuses not to talk to you Lady Lu. Which is something, but I’ve had enough of synonyms and explanations as the song goes “say what you need to say” and not Excuse My Many Excuses.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 243 ~Don’t Pretend To Be~

I don’t want to pretend, but I wouldn’t mind dreaming just a little bit more, and I have plenty of ideas, only I don’t want to lie, and she shouldn’t lie either or even want to lie at all. Don’t Pretend To Be; orgasms are not optional.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Lesson 243 ~Don’t Pretend To Be~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, for no matter what costume I decide she wears, where I choose, or what lesson she must learn, she will always be mine. If you don’t know me by now, lying is a pet peeve. Now I know I lie, and that is why I regularly have to reinvent myself and others, but as I heard in porn once, your naughty bits always understand what they want, vote with your crotch and all that, just saying.

When it comes to the bedroom women don’t like to fake it, and neither do I, maybe it makes me a mean person, but I don’t just take any woman to my bed, and before there is an uproar, many women would feel the same way about a guy like me. Now a costume doesn’t say I like the person any less but hell, if you knew the hours I’ve spent trying to find the outfit a certain pornstar wears or the stories I would want a woman to cosplay… Sick Fux Dolly, anyone? Let me also say this; I won’t be a lackluster lover either, people say I don’t communicate ever, sex and power. Could be one in the same and violence and not against lovers, but when I’m not in my playroom, I’m in my “playroom” GTA, The Last of Us, Until Dawn, speaking of TLOU, yeah I have some fucked up fantasies.

While I would like to have mutual fantasies, that’s optional but orgasms… as I said I refuse to be mediocre, I want to know I get a woman off and if I can’t that’s probably the only time I’ll take a lesson from a submissive. I will educate a submissive on what I like, but there should never be a question of whether she wants to be with me, that should be as easy as breathing, as necessary as food, as high as any drug, and as welcome as a glass of ice water in Hell. Of all the things women accuse me of; when I want somebody, I go all in and only stop when I hear a safeword or when I obviously admit I’m honestly a complete moron.

I don’t pretend to be perfect, but when it comes to these things I don’t pretend to be the sweet guy either, and the last thing I want is a submissive who indeed isn’t such a woman for me and so, Don’t Pretend To Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 236 ~Doing It After Dark~

Someday it will all be in black and white, a BDSM contract, the book I need to write to fund my fetishes and the woman in my bed, and I’m not talking about Betty Boop. Doing It After Dark, how about an afternoon delight, Halloween, at the beach, etc.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Lesson 236 ~Doing It After Dark~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I’m not afraid of the dark either, and it should come as no surprise that black is my favorite color for most things, of course, I do have some exceptions to the rule. For example, red is my second favorite color, but honestly, if I were to build a playroom, I’d make it black. I got a friend who is heavy into purple, but this isn’t “Saint’s Row” my color choices favor The Morningstar, but then we might be talking about the wrong playroom right?

Speaking of black *ahem* contract, I should probably draw up a BDSM contract seeing as how these days have been spent shopping for potential submissives, can you say I have high hopes? Honestly, I know that such women exist but shouldn’t I spend more time working on myself… it doesn’t matter when the lights are out but then tell me why I spend so much money on colorful things? Just so full of questions, full of myself, wish I could say the same about my bank account, staying in the black, or as the Beatles sang “can’t but my love.”

I know I often repeat the same mistakes and stories but have I mentioned I am into voyeurism and exhibitionism; probably one of my biggest fantasies is a sex tape, this past week I’ve had the yearnings of a photographer for the perfect shot. Perfectionism has always been my curse, chasing something that doesn’t exist which explains the schoolgirl, Asian, and princess ensemble I’ve assembled so far. Funny women want the world and then claim to be every woman like that Whitney Houston song, and somehow I intend to make one or several prove it.

Yes I’m still into brunettes, and I still can’t figure out how that came about; like I told someone, brunettes and blondes/etc. are like crunchy and soft tacos, I’ll eat either but crunchy is my favorite and no I’m not talking about age today. It’s a wondrous world of color out there, and I’m just thinking why waste it in the dark, though forever and a day my bed has been my place, that’s sad?

A guy like me might as well be dreaming of such things I suppose than bathing someone in the flash of an iPhone camera and besides my bed is black too besides dog hair. Another reason I need some creativity like doing it in the park, doing it after dark.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 168 ~Bed Is For Sleeping~

Don’t we all have our place in the world and if bed wants to be mine who am I to argue, I can rage, rage, all I want from the comfort of my pillow but life has other plans sadly. Bed Is For Sleeping and living is for; does it even matter ha

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Lesson 168 ~Bed Is For Sleeping~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear of missing out on that though, for the past few days, my bed has been the center of my universe, though, besides my faithful dog, there is no sign of intelligent life, let alone living itself. As I was telling Indiana Gone today, I don’t know if it’s depression, sickness, or just plain exhaustion but the mere fact I’m up at all is a miracle, so food helps, surprise, surprise.

Not getting much relief from anything else, talk about being up, it’s been nearly a month now since I went on “hiatus” yes I’ve edged some and hell the longest I’ve ever gone is forty days and then let’s say the flood dissipates. You would think with all my free time I might do something constructive and if you count my day job then yeah but what was it I was saying about my depression? I can’t blame it all on work though, as much as I would like to, I think I’m becoming a sponge, and sooner or later you have to ring it out or throw it away.

Sad that I always have to remind you that I’m not on the path of suicide, trust me when something like that gets to me you’ll know, but I am reaching a threshold when it comes to all this negativity. Darkness infects the real world, and soon there will be fire, but when my fictional universes follow suit, I guess it’s just getting to be a bit too much. It’s as if I have hit a threshold of death and despair but what exactly was I expecting from The Walking Dead and Star Wars: The Last Jedi, I spent my one miracle on today sadly.

Sleep is the one escape from everything though there was one nightmare of being fired and considering my writing career and whatever I may have to do or not do tomorrow. Am I more or less frightened? It’s one thing when you know the gallows are built and ready, another when you have one more day in prison Lady Lu.

Have I even tried to learn anything today, it’s the reason I write down my rules and hoard the mail but even then, what of everything I’ve forgotten by now? There is always more blood, more hurt, more despair and what about fear, when I’m awake, Bed Is For Sleeping.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

“You need to get up, get out and get something” as the song goes but why can’t I just be inspired by myself, I could quote forever on what it takes to be somebody but when it comes to my body I rather sleep. Now The Work Can Begin because I’m up

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

Third Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, and when I find a way to somehow believe that or find the courage to overcome, not just for a moment, a day, or when my favorite badass song comes on. Not when I’m mad enough to want to burn the whole world down and in so doing end up destroying my own work out of that fear.

The work begins when I stop hating myself for everything, how I make excuses or my how I want to apologize, how about signing anyway my name for stuff I couldn’t care less about. Hating the man I have grown to be in front of so many others, I hate him as much as much as the man I want to be and what about the man I am at this moment. Fear and hate take work and don’t even get me started on love, it’s even another rule, understanding could make up for all of this and that’s work.

My work begins there, they don’t have to love me and I don’t have to love them but I want to know and it doesn’t help, finding places to hide, it doesn’t help just wanting to survive, how about just dreaming of someday and hoping that I will do better tomorrow. Am I trashing hope, no but hoping to move isn’t the same as moving, you can hope to be saved or you can save yourself, or you can be the one that everyone needs saving from, whatever it is you want to do. That is another part of the work, you don’t have to know where you’re going the point is you’re going and judging from how late it is I’ve been on the road to nowhere too long.

Madam Justice the work does not begin, ever sad morning I get up, full of worry and doubt, scared to death, just wanting everybody to leave me alone, counting the minutes I can climb back into bed. My work started yesterday when I saw my blog get a secure rating, my work started when my fingers began hitting keys, my work started when at the moment we started talking I hated it, maybe still do but I’m here and why can’t I do this every day with people, another thing for my to-do list possibly.

If I finally decide Madam Justice, I have to decide, Now The Work Can Begin.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 090 ~You’re Never Full Dressed~

Smiling hurts but when you choose to be the hero or even the villain, that’s exactly what you’re signing up for pain; everyone is fighting and smiling about it. “You’re Never Fully Dressed” without a smile as the song goes why my cape is a bedsheet.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Lesson 090 ~You’re Never Full Dressed~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and no smile either but instead a question; what is the purpose of a cape for the internet can be quite obtuse or maybe that’s just me to be sure.

I think I told you before I never really buy clothes, in fact, the last time I actually went clothes shopping was when I didn’t comply with the dress code at work and “Indiana Gone” keeps me decked out in black t-shirts; weird for a girl that can’t keep her clothes on. What about the fact that she’s always wearing a smile for me which in a way leaves her better off; when’s the last time I’ve worn a genuine smile or she’s just bias, other people not so much. A smile is just part of the mask I wear, hell damn near a necessity, you wear a coat because it’s cold, I wear a hoodie because it helps, I wear a smile to not get fired or to pretend.

So back to my original question what is the purpose of a cape, I must admit I like the idea of “cloak and dagger” you can hide a weapon, you can protect yourself with one arm, you can protect your identity. When I say that think about how both heroes and some villains have adapted it and while I don’t have any real respect for bullfighters you have these skinny guys hiding soft flesh behind a cape, the bull obviously would think he’s stronger. It might help me look more like a gentleman, as much as I would like some girl to start wearing my plaid shirts, my jacket, or want to steal my hoodie all I have is my smile but you don’t know how hard it is Luna.

Dr. Strange wears the Cloak of Levitation, but my cape, this freaky ass smile as Negan would say, allows me just to stand and then to put that smile on other people’s faces as they tear me down… You want to know why I don’t have to buy anything, my bedsheets are my new cape, and writing to you is slightly easier and how about my music, can I fly?

So what have I learned today because no Lady Luna I can’t fly, despite a new follower here or there, or how these words fly… no, they crash but at least I don’t have to speak them because we know right You’re Never Fully Dressed.

I Will Have No Fear