Tag: Alone

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Life is… beautiful? Everything is… awesome? That’ll be… lovely. And how about existence? I hate this phrase, but “it is what it is.” If something is “good” for others, that is great. Then there’s my boys and their lives, Huh. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But what does that mean now? That I pay? Part of me yearns for you…

Probably you want me to close my eyes, close my eyes, and relax, think of nothing tonight… That nothing is my firstborn son, Braxton. And tonight? It’s Thursday, April 18, 2024. Braxton is still gone. And this coming week? God, I want to join him.

Braxton is love. So are you. So are they. The family we have made together, this existence, the life that we share… I didn’t ask some father in heaven or one down here on Earth.

Love, I didn’t even ask the one I see staring back at me through the mirror. So, what did I want in this existence? It doesn’t come with a menu. But how much is that doggie in the window? I don’t know. Braxton was/is lovely.

And now I sit here in bed. Why… After seeing that little face. The touch of B III’s soft fur. I would hear Braxton’s happiness every time I returned. The taste of food before sharing.

Smell… please ew. In fifteen years, B learned to go outside. And “with that in mind, a soft, nice-smelling girl’s better.” With all the songs I listen to, why can’t I hear I love you?

I know you do, baby. Despite me being a baby. And you asking me anything and everything except the obvious. Because if you ever did, it would be cruel, ugly, and vile, my sweet love. And I’m trying. When I saw V, I thought, “That’ll be lovely.” A fur kid.

His life’s far from lovely.

But again, what about ours? What About Us, What About The Rest Of Us? Anyone? Indeed, everyone is asking me that. And it’s not fair to any of you. To just be lovely, like something to be picked up for dinner. I mean, there’s lovely. And then there’s, well, more. I can sing Isn’t She Lovely about each of our daughters. And what about our sons. I hope they are better men than me. Wasn’t B III, and what about Virgil? Hmm. Virgil Vivi’s trying.

Everything is lovely and awesome. But I want it to be… Well, how it never will be. Braxton should be here to see it. And if I can love as my firstborn son loved me, love. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

1178 Days Without B III, Day 619 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 291 ~Virgil’s Not Write B~

WillLeave a comment

I’m not a foodie. The BBQ place here knows my name… Dare I say the first time I drove there was after I signed Braxton’s “Freedom Papers.” Nah! But that’s a day I’ll remember. B III’s future is gone. Food. And no effing around. “Virgil’s Not Write B”

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Tale 291 ~Virgil’s Not Write B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. I haven’t given Virgil Vivi the happily ever after that dogs dream of. It’s Monday, April 8, 2024.

Eclipse Day. But I have only been out for Virgil and Chicken McNuggets. I shouldn’t read or listen to Eric Vall when I’m hungry. Oh! And there was picking up some BBQ. Talk about a bad association. Forever and always, when I think about BBQ, I think about my son, B III. A little weird? It was the first thing I ate after Braxton’s Euthanasia.

Yet I’m not here to talk about my two furry boys… Did I just say that, Echo? I know. Eww! I don’t want to talk about food, Inspector. I’ve bought enough BBQ for three dinners. What about the future crimes I may have committed on this Wednesday? The Day Job? There was the Golden Son finale, too. I’m scared, Inspector.

That’s nothing new. Only to be afraid of books? I’m not one of “those” people. Inspector a story hasn’t rocked me this much since Stroke of Midnight: A Cinderella Novel.

Whatever! You’re not Lady Sophia. And the book Golden Son is not an embarrassment, Echo. I could send it to M Anime without fear. I could tell Cherry everything, Inspector. I could even read it to little Virgil lying here. Of fifteen books, I could read Virgil, two of them. Those other thirteen? There are furry dogs or women without… Anyway, Echo, let’s discuss those stories I can’t share with my boys or female friends. Um, there’s B III’s aunt?

Why not talk about why I’m not writing Braxton’s book or any book right now?

Because you know what stories I’m on since I’m nearly done with Golden Son. All three are written by Eric Vall. There are two audiobooks and one Kindle edition Inspector.

However, let’s start with something innocent… Poor Things with Emma Stone. Do you really want to know why I’m interested in such a film? X/Twitter is not a safe space. Echo, I’ve been going on about Makio Kaneda from the Discipline series for days. Sigh. There was a series I was reminded of just this morning, Keraku-No-OH King of Pleasure.

It’s a love story… Are any of them. The thing is, I want to be that sort of author, animator, and artist. But what do I write when I write. Only Virgil’s Not Write B.

1172 Days Without B III, Day 613 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

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I haven’t been bitten by the love bug in some time. When’s the last time I’ve been outside other than to let V out. Or go anywhere I didn’t want to go. What bugs me the most. Breathing. I wish I could make it worthwhile. Love Bugs B, Virgil

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Tale 290 ~Love Bugs B, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But while you always tell and show me, I miss Braxton—you and them. Virgil?

Money makes such a lovely sound. But is it love? For the love of money. If I had it 1,171 days ago, would it have saved my firstborn son, my B? Food insecurity? Never, love! Today, Sunday, April 7, 2024. I’m only thinking about all the problems in the kitchen. Braxton’s food still sits on the counter. Three years? Is that a problem? Frightening, Mad?

Even now, I want to yell out to Braxton to take his medicine or fill up his food and water bowls. I do that for V anyway, but it’s not the same, and it sounds stupid. Doesn’t sound like love…

Like the kitchen faucet that’s acting up, the shelf that fell down, or a messed-up drawer. This mess, I swear.

If that ain’t love, then I don’t know what love is. A well-loved house that I should fix for the living. In doing so, I would honor my Braxton. It’s slowly eating away at me.

Inspecting for termites when I would instead be blasting my way through Terminids, Automatons, and whatever else in the game Helldivers 2. What’s one more distraction? Hmm. I need anything and everything to make some noise. Grieving, Hating, but Loving…

Trying to remember what love sounds like bugs me. Only I want to hear it. You and me, always and forever, my love. I want to place the two of us under the covers. Really?
Hey, it beats me thinking about Maiko Kaneda all day. Your husband has a type.

The two of us love bugs. Those two-legged children of ours, bugging mommy and daddy. Someday, I might even look at Virgil as such. One of our kids. But he didn’t have a choice, my love. I can’t say I was even bitten by the love bug. More like I was bitten by my B. And it would have pained me to leave without Virgil. Only I was being selfish or even obtuse with love. Seriously, what’s with all my talk of bugs anyway? Extermination?

Breathing bugs me. Every breath I take. Take this morning for example. I lied here reading, and Virgil was shoving against me. As long as I didn’t look at him, I could imagine Braxton, love bug. Love Bugs B, Virgil

1171 Days Without B III, Day 612 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 284 ~Virgil, Addictions Can B~

WillLeave a comment

I canceled the Balance App. It doesn’t mean I’m being kept from one of my addictions, sleep. And I’m being more of a slimeball today. Seeing how far into the future I’m writing. A week? If only writing was my addiction. Virgil, Addictions Can B.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

Tale 284 ~Virgil, Addictions Can B~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. More than likely, I’ll face a police interrogation or a manager before my Olds, holy rollers, or doctors.

Would it help if I spoke poorly about B III? You know I’m one to pine away about my son. Braxton had three loves in his life. Should I call them addictions? Food, “my” bloodline. And like father like son, certain assets when it came to any company “invited” over. That’s a mouthful to say. Braxton liked girls. In particular, his aunt. Special K? Nah. Inspector, that was more for me. And trust me, we’ll get to women today. Unfortunately

But today is All About You. Is that what you’re telling me, Inspector? What’s today? Tuesday, April 2, 2024. And the second day of Camp NaNoWriMo. What have I done?

I’ve only dreamed of Braxton sleeping by my feet; as I said, writing is life.

I told him I was addicted to the idea of making a better life for us. Only what beat me?

In no particular order, Inspector:

  1. Excella Gionne ― Resident Evil 5
  2. Scarlet ― Final Fantasy VII
  3. Lady Alcina Dimitrescu ― Resident Evil Village
  4. Boa Hancock ― One Piece (Jahara Jayde Cosplay)
  5. Lulu ― Final Fantasy X

Honorable Mentions:
Tifa Lockhart ― Final Fantasy VII
Aerith Gainsborough ― Final Fantasy VII

A few days ago, Cherry asked me, “Is “Relations” all you think about?” Indeed, Inspector Echo. And don’t ask me how long it will be, “slightly older” women in formal attire, between reading about fancy Golds in Golden Son and then Jahara Jayde in cosplay.

Then, my usual book genre.

But even this is not my greatest addiction. What’s My Age Again? I’m nearly forty!!!
(Indiscernible verbal struggles.) Anyway, Inspector, this pathetic old man’s sleeping!

Today, like every other day, next to having Braxton back, I want to go back to bed. As if I ever left. And then I look at Virgil, who’s always sleeping. Following in my footsteps. Please! I don’t want Virgil getting sick all over the floor again. That’s me walking.

Inspector, I’m addicted to my grief, laziness, and genuine stupidity. But the worst of it? FEAR! Which is why I’m reading a book about courage? I hope I’ve finished, Inspector.

Failure is quite addicting as well. Like the touch of Braxton’s fur, the female form. Silence! Virgil, Addictions Can B

1165 Days Without B III, Day 606 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

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When was the last time I heard “I love you” and felt something? When was the last time I said it? The last time I heard love and felt it was in Braxton’s last breath. And I’m sure I’ll be hearing it well into the future. “Hear B, Listen V.”

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Tale 283 ~Hear B, Listen V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But I can tell why it has to be this way. My son is gone.

Braxton, my Soldier, Soul dog, indeed my firstborn Son. Even now, while I time travel. Today is Sunday, March 31, 2024, Easter Sunday. He Is Risen? Well, not my Braxton.

Today, how many more will pay for my sins? There ain’t no coming back from all these things that I’ve done. But that’s the thing, my love. I’m still gone, and you’re still waiting for me. Even though I don’t look a thing like Jesus. I know I need to cut the music off, love. I need to turn off all the noise and stay awake. Why? Because love’s louder?

Honestly, that’s my problem. The last time I heard love was my Braxton’s last breath. And for 1,164 days, I’ve only been listening. But hearing?

Whatever DEI! And you know what I wanted to say.

More like they want to say. But why is hate so much easier to explain? Why do the things I hate come so naturally? Like myself for what happened to Braxton. You tell me, I loved, and I loved, and I lost you. You sing to me. As long as I’m breathing, always and forever.

So why don’t I want to hear it? Am I making any sense at all, my love? Love is confusing.

It’s the way it has to be sometimes. But how much longer? As I said before, look how far I am from this day. Look how far I’ve come from the day my B fell. I still hear it, love.

Only you know you, man. My love language is physical touch. And when it comes to you and me, I feel everything. And you’ll do anything to make me feel your love. Actions, right? More than words? And everything that comes with it. But you want me to hear you. You need me to. But all I hear is pain, yours, mine, my boys, B III and 2V, our kids.

And I listen to everything else, like some white noise. I am sleeping away existence. Today, love doesn’t lie bleeding. It’s sleeping. And I have to find my way, darling.

Honestly, that’s the only time I’ll say you remind me of my Ma, baby doll. I’ll let you love me. Hear? Hear B, Listen V.

1164 Days Without B III, Day 605 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 277 ~Framing Virgil For Braxton~

WillLeave a comment

As I said last week, I hope I canceled Balance. I can’t blame Virgil if I lose $70.00, like I didn’t blame him for losing money to Audible. Now getting a bath at PetSmart… I’m a “good dad…” Yeah, ask Braxton about that one. Framing Virgil For Braxton

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

Tale 277 ~Framing Virgil For Braxton~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. I wonder if this week started any better than the one now. Time Travel, Wednesday, March 27, 2024.

At least today, the humiliation has been mine alone. Um? If anybody read our conversation. Now, I’ll share with you one of my lesser sins. Bet Virgil doesn’t think so.

My firstborn son, my soul dog, my Braxton, has been gone three long years. Nobody at PetSmart would remember his grooming sessions. But how many has Virgil had of late?

I don’t think of Virgil much, which is a crime in and of itself. But as I sat in the parking lot waiting for them to call, I thought this. “If they hurt Virgil, I’ll burn the whole place down.”

Inspector, the love… not quite yet. Instead, the courage, duty, and honor to protect Virgil. But the only heat Monday of last week was my embarrassment with my eagerness to see him Safe and Sound. At least, that’s what I want to say. My McDonald’s food was getting cold in the car. How selfish can I be, Inspector? Oh, we’ll get there, don’t you worry.

Inspector, speaking of humiliation, I remember Braxton running to me after getting groomed. Yes. He’d be mad, but I was his dad, and He’s My Son. And there was love.

Inspector, Virgil looked at me as if he didn’t know me at all. And I had to pretend I had all those fatherly feelings when I picked him up. There’s no loyalty, love… um, like?

Dante’s Inferno? Do you think Dante and Virgil were friends? What have I done, Echo?

That same ole question. Right?

I asked it that hot, sunny day in August as I first sat Virgil Vivi down in the car. I asked it when I picked up what was left of B III some afternoon in February. I asked it again on Sunday, January 31, 2021, when he was dying. But he wanted to come home with me. And I failed.

Where is my boy? Why, he’s right here in years’ worth of pictures to show that I’m a “good father.” I’m waiting to pick him up so I can ignore the flood that destroyed the floor Braxton walked on. The back fence that Braxton defended always. And the foolish one who is guilty of so many crimes that I get embarrassed by anything and everything.

Criminal! Framing Virgil For Braxton.

1158 Days Without B III, Day 599 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 276 ~Virgil Digs You, B…~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve got hoes, or I got holes, something like that. I certainly dig one. And speaking of digging. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, people in books, my boy, or the bed I must leave before I die here. Nah! V keeps me alive because Virgil Digs You, B.

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Tale 276 ~Virgil Digs You, B…~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But that doesn’t mean I won’t be in the doghouse. You’re mad, I’m sad, Virgil.

Dogs dig their own graves—that’s a dark thought. But I was lying here reading after I brought Virgil in. As usual, Virgil Vivi pawed on the bed and his pillow to get comfy. It made me think of my son Braxton. It’s something dogs do, digging in their bedding. Braxton stopped doing that before the end. Or at least I don’t remember it, love. Impossible! Because I want to remember every single thing about my B. Not just sadness?

Like that annoying song Boots by Leony that I listened to. Mad as all Hell as my boy lay dying. I dug my son’s grave. But not in the way I think. And I don’t mean B in his box?

Like walks, treats, and fun

Huh, fun! You and me, my love. There is a reason I went celibate for 161 days… Don’t get me wrong, baby girl. I dig you more than Resident Evil 5’s Excella Gionne or Final Fantasy VII’s Scarlet. What? With Helldivers 2 making all that noise. Your man digs games.

Can I talk about Virginia and Victra from the book Golden Son? Again, that’s what I was reading this morning. I wish Darrow would dig one of them enough, too… Well, you know. Because we’ll lie on the loveseat together or in bed as I read it to you, love.

Reading, gaming, anything at all to not show you how much I’m digging you today. Could it be that I’m just dumb and… never mind.

No! It was words like never mind, and whatever, that had me digging Braxton’s grave. To save him from my anger, I gave him my indifference. I lay in bed, not wanting to move, instead of getting up and seeing to him. I would dig in with the Day Job I hated instead of seeing to him. And now that’s the thing. I don’t want to dig anything anymore, ever.

But if I want to join my Braxton so badly, I must prepare a place for myself. Dig In! That means living and not just existing? That would be my boy talking, love, honestly. Digging into books. Digging my girl out, ha-ha. There are graves to dig. I have enemies. Myself? Virgil Digs You, B…

1157 Days Without B III, Day 598 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 270 ~V’s For Void, Braxton~

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I’m going to have to cancel Balance this week. And why not cancel gravity and fly straight to Heaven. I’m going to miss that Off to Neverland stratagem. And I should stop watching Helldivers 2. Anything to fill the void of time. V’s For Void, Braxton

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

Tale 270 ~V’s For Void, Braxton~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. And my latest, my greatest inspiration for sin is leaving my boy, my son, Braxton, devoid of life.

Hmm. That’s one more way of saying unaliving or committing the unthinkable, dear Inspector. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about doing that to myself. I swear.

There’s this motivational video I like to listen to called “Waking Up at 4:00 AM Every Day Will Change Your Life.” But by 5:00 AM, I was asleep and hoping I could be with B.

That’s what I call “it.” Because of censorship, critics, and Virgil lying on the covers. Anytime. It’s the desirable action of wanting to fill the void left by Braxton’s absence.

Inspector, that’s what I was reading about when I wasn’t wasting time… Uh! Let’s say… I was researching a UK slang term for “Relations.” Then I needed a nap… Then

Time Has Come Today, Ha-Ha!

Next to my heart, the biggest void in this existence is time. And I fill that with three things. My son, sleep, and things that have me squirming in bed slug-like Inspector. You know how…

I know, Eww! If I’m going to talk about that, I should write a story about it. Like somebody famous? But as I’ve been talking about Echo, I’ve been reading Healing Hearts and Golden Son. After that, I will return to reading Eric Vall and Logan Jacobs. How I do enjoy filling my head and my sweatpants with such nonsense. But you can look at the world, my dear Echo.

Space Junk seems more fitting than staying here another day. Into the blackness, to B.

Earth and water are indeed no prize. Oh, the ways I have tried to fill the void, Echo. Take, for example, the Alphabet. A for Archie, which was Virgil’s name before he came here. There is nothing between B and V. That’s Braxton and Virgil. And then W for writing.

When it comes to Earth, I’ve been watching a lot of Helldivers 2. I watch soldiers fight for “Super Earth” and gaming territories. While I struggle for real, trying to hold up the back fence.

How many times have I cried this week? How many times have I bothered to shower, Inspector? Then there’s the sweat when Virgil isn’t around, and AI tells me stories.

Existence should be null and void. V’s For Void, Braxton

1151 Days Without B III, Day 592 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 269 ~B Gives Virgil Space~

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When I say I will “Go The Distance,” it’s like my mind finding anything intelligent. Or having a family that includes more than a four-legged friend. What about being *happy.* There’s no space not with my grief and fear. “And Virgil wants room.”

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Tale 269 ~B Gives Virgil Space~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… To the moon and back? How about if the sun should refuse to rise, love?

You’ll have to forgive a friend here or there texting me about space. And you know your husband has always been into Star Wars. For that, I won’t apologize. But distance, space, and the void? My love, have you yet to understand how great my son was in this existence?

What do I mean was? Take yesterday, for example. Anytime I’m afraid, or something becomes too overwhelming. I remember the worst thing I’ve survived. Euthanasia! Specifically, the loss of my firstborn son, B III. And then everything else seems livable.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, I took Virgil to the groomers. While waiting for him, I saw a dog crate that doubled as a nightstand. A place for B III and 2V, my love. My furry sons.

The idea of making space for them both together? And yet Braxton in his box. Or wherever he exists. And Virgil lying in a soft bed underneath. They’re both far.

Remember earlier this morning when Virgil Vivi was upset over the storm? Whether he was in our room or Braxton’s, the space between him and me doesn’t matter, my love.

I was driving to pick Virgil Vivi up, and I was thinking. If PetSmart harmed him? I have two words for them. John Wick. But I can’t say I love Virgil. Nowhere near my Braxton

But What About The Rest Of Us? V isn’t going anywhere. And there are always you, our children, and a few friends. I’m not counting myself. The man I am. I want him far away.

Only that’s the man you fell in love with. Underneath these clothes is an endless story. And the man you chose. I swear, Shakira, Shakira, ha-ha! Bragging about my manhood?

But seriously, The Space In Between Us, my love, this is what I’ve been thinking about all morning. I keep saying that Braxton is sending me messages from books lately. Between how to keep a fur buddy’s memory alive and Darrow protecting his friends, too.

Now, ask me what that tells me about being close to you, my love. All of my fears, the fence, and our finances. Braxton got so close to me before I knew anything, love. While you had me saying Somethin’ Stupid. B Gives Virgil Space

1150 Days Without B III, Day 591 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 263 ~Virgil Won’t B Silent~

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What are the dead trying to say? I can see and hear Braxton everywhere. Meanwhile, Virgil… Well, I know he needs to go outside. But he won’t make a sound. The things we choose to hear. I listen to dead men, me and my boys. Virgil Won’t B Silent.

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Tale 263 ~Virgil Won’t B Silent~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Do I have time to make a list? It’s only 7:30 AM. Braxton’s gone, I’m afraid, The Matrix…

As the song goes, “First let me explain that I’m just a black man.” Nearly forty at that, Inspector. I’m getting old in the world, so I don’t hear so well. “When You Were Young?” Yeah, yeah, I hear you, Inspector. What I didn’t hear was Trinity from “The Matrix.”

“The Oracle told me that I would fall in love and that that man… the man that I loved would be The One.” The Matrix

I swear! I heard her say I would fall in love with a dead man. When it comes to my son, my Braxton. I have. He’s been gone 1144 days, and I haven’t stopped. Always and forever, Inspector. Please stop me before I go looking up every song about love. But if you want to know today’s song, it’s “Anyone Who Knows What Love Is.” You know, 15 Million Merits.

Love didn’t wake me up.

No, my dearest Inspector. It was fear—and not the fear of Virgil being sick again. My dream instead was simple. I was outside with Virgil, and this black cat I’d seen prowling around came at him. And I was paralyzed. Yet I quaked with fear for his young life.

Was it love when I heard him cry out to be saved? I’m surprised I heard him yelp at all.

That brings me to today. I may have heard Virgil’s call, but I always listen for B III. Well… except for when he needed me most. His voice, like my love, has only grown.

Madness! “Am I Wrong?” I hear Braxton in music. I see what he’d say in manuscripts. Dreaming on this mattress…

But I’ve never dreamt about Virgil until today when I was supposed to wake up…

Inspector, it could be so much worse. I dream about girls “laid” in all these books. The loaded-up binder and folder I once had of pinups and centerfolds. Girls lying on screen, ha-ha. Now they’re all on a flash drive or some hidden file. Because one living that wants me…

It’s better to have visions. There are many voracious fantasies online. Or let’s live to be victims of some zombie apocalypse so I can find one. Fewer options prove successful…

But not for V. I was dead when I found him, and now he dies. Not like that Echo, geez!

Both of us breathing, Inspector. Because Virgil Won’t B Silent.

1144 Days Without B III, Day 585 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will