Tag: Lost

Episode 120 ~Don’t Make Their Lies True~

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I don’t bother to introduce myself; I won’t even say hello because if the conversation goes further than that, do you care how I am, should I care how you are, sooner or later you’ll lie to yourself about me. Don’t Make Their Lies True

Monday, October 22, 2018

Episode 120 ~Don’t Make Their Lies True~

Fifty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, the first bit of change but why should I, you know it’s never me wanting to fit in, it’s what’s left inside me, and then I don’t recognize who I am anymore, yet one more reason I avoid mirrors.

Last week I talked about writing a decent sentence but how many people have seen that coming from me, no instead I believed the first lie from my “father” and that was “stupid” everything about me. Madam Justice I don’t want to be a downer today but isn’t ironic that with lies you can be president but the truth can put you in prison regardless of guilt or innocence, I heard again I was stupid in my “home,” and thus I became it. So I’ve spent my life wanting to be everything but, I read every day, I attempted to join Mensa, hell I don’t know how many books I’ve written, but I struggle with such small tasks making my father and everyone else smarter.

In the flesh, I am ugly, and like the Phantom, Quasimodo, or Cyrano de Bergerac, I began to wear masks, I hide upstairs; my downstairs barely has furnishings, and I don’t bother to fix the doorbell; how about the fact that I hide behind words? I don’t check mirrors because there is no point, I wear hoodies and dark colors, I keep earphones on always, the music a feeble attempt to drown out the lie that is becoming the truth.

Of course, I can’t neglect this, let’s say half-truth that got me here talking to you… how many times will I return to this; I was acting skeevy and creepy to a girl, fair enough, I started talking to Lady Lu and next thing you know I’m a stalker. Now if comparing a girl to Brazzers or Reality Kings is one thing, I get the same damn reaction if I write something sweet, of course, when “gentlemen” pay me for my words, they get girls panties to drop quick. Even now you might say I sound bitter, to one girl I’m too sweet, to another I attempt to nail her whenever she comes by, but my point is I don’t know my truth as I’m in many lies and falsehoods.

With that on repeat having never known myself since the cradle, believing and knowing I was worthless, nothing, and stupid and having the world echo that well… it started with one man and a bitch here or there; it can end with one man, me, that’s if I figure out who I am one day, Don’t Make Their Lies True.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 015 ~Inspiration Doesn’t Need A Map~

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Finding inspiration, yeah I pretty much burned the boats and took a walk into the jungle and should I survive, it means staying awake, and that involves some creativity too, but Spotify is helping. “Inspiration Doesn’t Need A Map”

Monday, July 16, 2018

Episode 015 ~Inspiration Doesn’t Need A Map~

Forty-First Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason it doesn’t, but it would help for damn sure especially these days, I’m looking at nine thousand more words, I’m taking static from people about the rules, and staying awake is getting harder. There were days when all I needed was to sit by the lake, feet in the water and wait to be hit by something, how about when there was a pretty girl… yeah ain’t that creepy, and I’ll be the first one to admit technology makes us lazy.

Nowadays I’m less inspiration and more motivation, but if you need to know what started me down this way, it would have to be listening to a speech on Spotify like I was telling “Indiana Gone” the other day, I suppose Spotify knows inspiration by my musical selections. However for most men if you want to know what motivates them, it’s in their pants and the same can be said of women or more to the point in a man’s genes and that’s why nice guys finish last. No, I’m not being bitter, raised a gentleman, but indeed I’m a Bad Man Madam Justice sadly.

I don’t like to think I’m one to be influenced by what I take in but you can take a look at my novel and see which direction I’m going in, and what is I said about the rules on Whisper. Someone’s upset that I used a quote from Mockingjay, *sigh* it didn’t stop me from being one to Bless them and tell them to Get It Now “I Will Not Stop,” how easy inspiration comes from anger amongst other things. If you can’t deal with me quoting movies, songs, books and everything else on a daily basis then we probably can’t be friends, I Can’t Go For That no.

Still, here we are Madam Justice and what inspired me to be here, and you know the answer to that, and no you’re not going to hear Elsa; only because I can do better Let It Go… Let Her Go, and I have, I swear, please believe me. So with that being the case where does Inspiration lead me, to the bank hopefully, to the bookshelves of some bookstore, to my future and am I lost, I don’t think I am, story wise though possibly…

Follow your heart is something I’ve heard a lot of lately and honestly I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something, there, of course, it could be a Black Hole but if I don’t drop dead from lack of sleep I’m Will, There’s A Way, Inspiration Doesn’t Need A Map.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 311 ~Want It That Way~

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How many ways can someone say those “three little words,” and in how many different ways, so many others seem so much better at it, and when it comes from me, it’s me saying it but can I be more? Want It That Way, if I could?

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Lesson 311 ~Want It That Way~

Dear Future Wife,
Can You Love Me Again, as if you ever stopped or would, and “I Swear” and not “By the moon and the stars in the skies” or shall I quote the bard:

“O, swear not by the moon, the’ inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circle orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.” William Shakespeare

My love threatens to consume me, to hold me to this place that is by your side and yet grows to everlasting and so I’m always searching, reaching, and chasing after you, “Hanging By A Moment” okay, and now I will put down my phone.

To think I would have you love the world before me or if I loved myself the way you love me, I’ve become a broken record, a remix, it might be downright theft, but it only reminds me of the day we first met. The man I was before then became lost to better words, ideas, images, not that I could ever lie to you, no I wanted the distance, not that I feared you either, so was it the chase? Here I thought I was the one to do that and maybe that’s why only now I’m starting to catch up because I wasn’t running towards you, I was running away, waiting until I was sure; takes a lot.

“I just, I know we don’t know each other all that well or anything.
But circumstances are making it, so we’re all getting kind of close in here.
You know? So don’t let me run, OK?”

“OK” ― Containment 1×04

Seems dumb I know so far into marriage, how long has it been, how many kids, my dog getting old in the tooth but what am I not sure of after all this time. What reason do I have to doubt the woman who has stood beside me, shares my bed, and who has given love meaning? How can I challenge the man I am today that’s somehow managed to accomplish this, to live “The Impossible Dream” to be more than an “Escape” … see I’m still copying what am I trying to say in my words, my dearest love?

I love you… I can say that forever, and a day only I always want more, if I were a man of faith, I would say I’m reaching out to God to thank him for you, but I would go to Hell happily “For The Love Of You,” “My Goddess.” Yes take my hands in yours, make me forget to think of anything or anyone but you and I here and this will be enough, my gift, the man that disappeared so many years ago, his story every last word; you’re making it all possible.

So before I break into the Backstreet Boys, Sam Smith, or croon “Let My Baby Stay” speaking only as your husband, your love, take all the time you need to love me now, then, and in the future and know I Want It That Way.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

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I never drive far, hell everything I need is around the corner, movies, restaurants, two different vets, I could walk to work, Walmart, and besides no strip clubs, the internet takes care of that along with Amazon shopping. “Chicken Crossed The Road”

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Lesson 305 ~Chicken Crossed The Road~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today but less crazy, or at least I think I am and I am sorry if you’ve heard this story before, but I once heard that Hell is repetition, only this is one of the few times I didn’t get lost actually. Should I start with the fact that I wasted two hours of my life; hell I am killing time every day but this was like Nascar which I have never understood, going around and circles and for what, most get nothing.

At least I got a lesson out of the deal, something I should have known a long time ago and the closest I got to “stalking.” As you know my old car sucks but I started talking to this girl, and as she was adequately inebriated she asked could I pick her up one night. Cowardice or good sense I didn’t, but she told me where she lived and willing to risk getting stuck because of some girl, one morning I drove over merely as a test to whether I could make it there at all. How to say, the gesture was not well received, and I haven’t texted or been out that way again and with such a lesson did I grow as a person… episode 305 Inspector Justice I’m still an idiot honestly.

A joke why did the chicken cross the road, because here I am again contemplating “Indiana Gone” who has been to my place on many occasions and then she moved away, and now she wants me to visit her, but of course she hasn’t given me her address. How about the fact that I didn’t trust my old car to do anything when I needed it most especially when it comes to some girl not that I have faith in me with the new car. Last but not least what about the “bitch,” now that does make me sound scary doesn’t it, but I have never dreamed of going out that way, but of course I was already, creepy, skeeve, stalker, according to her blog.

Should you forgive me Inspector Echo for being a chicken that likes his side of the road just fine or for crossing and getting fried because I’m going to Hell aren’t I, and maybe it’s better I feel like chicken tonight or this afternoon. Forgive me Echo for not finding some Holy Grail, and I suppose my princess is in another castle which worked for Mario but he was no chicken, but as for me *sigh* Chicken Crossed The Road.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 294 ~The Ease of Jealousy~

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So today wasn’t my day and tomorrow I might finally finish another novel; fifty-thousand words, while somebody else will write one sentence and the world will be all a “Twitter” won’t they, am I jealous? The Ease of Jealousy.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Lesson 294 ~The Ease of Jealousy~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, because I apparently overestimated people’s stupidity or maybe I underestimated the power of my laziness but I’m still working today even though I slacked off a bit yesterday a lot… the dog groomers, the bank, shopping, excuses. How often do I rely on people being terrible at their jobs just to make myself feel better, not that I could do such things, but I have a higher calling; these people sustain life but don’t writers and the other artists make it worth something, a reason Lady Lu.

“And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” ― Dead Poets Society

Now it’s one thing to see all these authors, talented, tremendous, gifted, but what are the odds that I’ll meet Skye Warren, that one of my books will have me dancing with Jennifer Lawrence at some soiree, or I’ll end up on the big screen, well porn has awards. It’s when I see people I know; you remember the bitch that got me back into writing because I was so ashamed of myself “Look Who Grossed Up” and that was Two Hundred And Ninety-Four posts ago. I suppose she’s still writing, was even getting contacted by publishers and such and here I am, I’ve been writing most of my life, and okay I’m jealous, secure enough to admit that right?

“Males shouldn’t be jealous that’s a female trait” ― Jay-Z

Anyway, so last night this extreme Christian girl I once worked with has started her blog. I peeked at it, and again those feelings of shame and regret crept up, and I probably won’t often visit just because as the song goes “I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.” Isn’t that easy, be respectful to women, but I’ll be jealous too, of her following, of all the likes and fans perhaps? All she will have to do is be herself *sigh*. Now I could argue the other way about being “green” it’s not easy making money, not if you’re me, it’s easy being “a sick pig” or skeeve as you know who called me; if she knew.

One mean word spawned thousands if not millions that were better left going unwritten though, someone told me recently she discovered my work, and it is nice to have a fan, you don’t know how much. It’s not easy getting up and exposing all my secrets, some I suppose, it’s not easy looking at my work and not blaming alcohol or drugs, yeah I’m bad at my craft, and that Lady Lu is what brings *sigh* The Ease of Jealousy.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 287 ~Fools and Their Eh~

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Oops, I did it again, wasted my time, did my best instead of going out and maybe doing anything else that might honestly help me I mean any fool can write a book right. “Fools And Their Eh,” which I’d be lucky if I got that at all

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Lesson 287 ~Fools and Their Eh~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, best case scenario I’m meh or eh and keeping an eh is a miracle these days but shouldn’t that be what a smile is for, a laugh, or just an honest day’s work. In this movie once, I think they said any fool could make an “A” but keeping it, maintaining it, that was the hard part, along with making it mean something, anything at all.

Maybe I should be talking to Lady Sophia about this, but my work as of late has been eh than A and I’m struggling as to why I even continue with it, even today I only want to hang on to my position with Camp NaNoWriMo. That’s the only top that I can see these days, that fifty-thousand-word total and what does it matter when you’re standing on a mountain of crap? Am I depressed you ask, if I am, I’m bleeding all over the pages which is a good sign don’t you think so Luna?

A which leads to B and I wind up with C, so on and so forth and even if I make it to Z, I would always be looking for the value of X, and I’m as lost now as I was back in those math classes of yesteryear. So what am I trying to say, what do I want to say, and like at work what should I say and that is something I can’t cater to, not anymore, never again though we both know if my “father” walked in here… People must have their A’s no doubt, it gives you value in this world, but no one ever understood I was trying to hang on to that eh most days and what did that get me, I’m Fonzie.

Am I saying I’m cool, am I still speaking of miracles, no I’m saying I get laughed at, I’m believing at some magic time what I am will be acceptable… maybe if we ever get “The First Purge.” Most days, speaking the truth I would like to feel a little bit better than this but I want to write those A’s and dot my I’s and cross my T’s and in the end, doesn’t this make me a fool honestly.

Can I live like this, can I maintain, endure and survive, what is it they say, Fools And Their Eh?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

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I wish I could find the starting line once again but shouldn’t I be looking for the finish line, or maybe there is just so much more race to run, don’t know where I’m going, neither do I most days. I Will Go The Distance

Monday, January 8, 2018

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

Fourteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, I’m on my way, at least that’s what my dream seemed to allude to and yes I do believe in visions which is why I found this one so scary. You know I’m not usually awakened from such a desperate necessity, so when I am, it often means something, though I haven’t been fired from the day job.

Hell, even the general manager told me if I’m not happy I should leave and I nearly broke out with that “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.’ Only I’m no officer, and I’m not a gentleman, not when the right girl… okay, a girl I want comes along. There are days I always feel like I’m running you know and there isn’t some light at the end of the tunnel just a brief respite here and there. I suppose the good news is I’m always moving because if you’re not you’re dead but I’m not getting anywhere; another regret, I should have told Indiana Gone, I didn’t get anywhere today despite what my car says.

Now, of course, the first step is always the hardest but next, even if you can’t see it, you have to know there is something out there and Madam Justice I honestly do. The thing is I’m always resting and if I’m moving, well in my dream I slept the whole way, I lost some key I was given, and then my luggage was lost, so much so I spent time this morning just looking through all my travel bags. Is that what my dream was trying to tell me, that I have to get out and I have always been one of those who would instead leap than just step, and cue the Xbox One Jump ahead commercial right?

Every morning I step, but this place must be like a maze and not trying to get all racial because how much do I know but, the black man must fly to hat the white man can walk to, that’s from Chris Rock. So we see comedy is not my thing from a long time ago but writing, just like any of my stories I find where I want to go. As my mother said I would find my way and as the music swells, may I be as strong as Hercules, may I have that kind of heart and I Will Go The Distance?

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” ―Hercules

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 076 ~How Are You Lost~

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I wonder which is bigger, the world or my own head, if anything at least the world comes with maps and there are plenty of places to run but why the hell am I running anyway. How Are You Lost, the heart knows its direction, breath too, and Will?

Friday, September 15, 2017

Lesson 076 ~How Are You Lost~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no sense of direction though everything else knows exactly the way to go, perhaps I should rethink this whole no fear scenario if anything it’s good exercise. You know that when I was back in school, I liked to run, learned to run actually but there was a freedom in it, and somewhere along the way I discovered a fine line between running to something and running away from something and I crossed it.

“We’re not built to kill. We don’t have claws fangs or armor. Vets, they came back with PTSD, that didn’t happen because we’re comfortable with killing. We’re not. We can’t be. We feel. We’re connected. You know, I’ve interviewed over 825 people who’ve done terrible things. I’ve only met one evil person. Some of them were born with bad brains. Some of them got sick along the way. The rest were just damaged people. Traumatized themselves like you, but they could heal. Some more, some less, but they can. We all can. I know it. It’s all a circle and everything gets a return.” Eastman – Here’s Not Here, TWD

To think fifteen days ago I figured I knew exactly where I was going and now well… I’m slogging through, I honestly should be doing better than this but at least I’m moving forward and what else is a guy should be doing? At work today I felt that old fear creep up inside of me, you know the one I’ve been running from, some things you just can’t outrun, you just have to take it step by step. On the other hand, I talk about being dominant and a dominant doesn’t move for anybody, no he stands, a submissive must move according to his will and that is power.

“Compromise where you can. Where you can’t, don’t. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, ‘No, *you* move’.” Sharon, Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Now I don’t fancy myself a philosopher Lady Lu but there I was just standing there at work and you know what I realized, the heart moves forward, you breathe in but you must breathe out, we are not born with eyes in the backs of our heads, and other parts of the anatomy point the way forward. So today’s lesson, how am I lost, I’m thinking about going one way because it’s faster, another way because I want to face my fears but you know what the correct answer is, I should go wherever I please. It’s okay to be lost but it’s not okay to let fear or some proof of courage direct your feet ever, live brave.

“I don’t think that a person should run unless he’s being chased.

Being chased. I like that.” The Faculty (1998)

Not even a submissive does that, a Sub may fear to disappoint her Dom but she moves because she chooses to of her own accord. Have you noticed that I’m getting braver with these references or maybe it’s because I know that nobody is coming by to check, not yet?
What have I learned today, maybe I’m not so much lost as I am adjusting my path, even if that just means choosing a direction and of course forward is good, How Are You Lost?

“The pessimist looks down and loses his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” King Ezekiel, The Walking Dead

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 075 ~The Chain of Command~

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I ain’t your boss, I’m Braxton’s friend, matter a fact I have plenty of friends, the thing is I’m not the boss, I do things and sometimes people just come with me I suppose. “The Chain of Command”, Braxton has his leash, and you have these words

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Lesson 075 ~The Chain of Command~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear because fear is but a chain meant to keep you in your place and sometimes it doesn’t seem to matter which end of it you find yourself on. Braxton has his leash but most days he fears nothing, the leash is for me to keep control of him because… yes, I am afraid of what he might do or where he might choose to go.

“You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ’til ya understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.” The Train Job, Firefly

Am I afraid to take command, I wonder how my father does it, no scratch that, fear and I don’t think that anyone should rule by fear though it is an alluring thought we’ll get to it? Today, I found myself in a command situation and I think there is a difference in command and leadership, I have no problem with command but if I must lead, I want to know where the hell I’m going and today I was just lost. Now I don’t mind being lost but for others to be lost with me, hell no man is meant to be a slave, at least not forever but how does one find freedom?

“Lead, follow, or get out of the way.” Thomas Paine

During the day I am but a slave chained, not actual chains mind you but yeah in the mind, I am commanded except for those rare occasions when my experience serves a purpose. Now in the bedroom, of course, those chains become more a reality, not just chains, scarves, ropes, my current submissive’s lingerie, methods of exerting dominance and control but again who is a servant and who is master, true dominants accept the situation as we know it to be. To have such control over another person, for someone to trust you with such power and authority, only the true victory is when you know they will stay regardless without such tools being employed.

The problem with the world today is too many who have power, command, leadership and the like don’t know what to do with it and while confidence is key… that might be it right there Lu, I mean of course confidence sets of free, we’ve talked about this. Anyway, my point is that I want to earn such power, to be worthy of it, and of course to know where I’m going with it honestly.

“Dreaming of windows black tinted like a hearse
When waking up to life sometimes seems worst
And all I ever wanted is to be a better man
And I try to keep it real with my homies land
For me to save the world I don’t understand
How did I become the leader of a billion fans?” from R. Kelly

That’s what I learned today, that it isn’t so much the chain but the key of command, that I’m not afraid, you’ll leave, that I’m not tempted to give you the key, and that you don’t go looking for it because at the end of the day I am still holding The Chain of Command.

The only thing in this world that gives orders… is balls.” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

I Will Have No Fear

A Season’s Disgust

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Rule No.1 is Cardio, yeah I have a better chance with zombies when once upon a time I was in the Navy though I hate the water mostly and my eyes got me into trouble in many ways. A Season’s Disgust, I could walk but I’ll drive, know what I can’t do

And if I were lost…

Seeing Santa and yes you scoff,
even I know the truth but for all Apollo’s worth
and a prayer to Cupid, for my heart, hurts.
See the men who grew wings and learned to blast off
Or the son of man who has being the boss
noted the dead being unearthed
So Superman and Aladdin are not coming down to Earth

Desperate Santa says the present is too hot.
I watch Apollo, blot out the sky,
so I don’t have to ask Cupid why oh why,
guessing while other men live on top.
Understanding not why Jesus doesn’t stop
start or anything as I run, I walk and crawl he tries
telling me how much it sucks to fly

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.