Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

Go ahead and tell everybody, I don’t know, but for once I’m not focused on the who but more on the what and usually that’s not anything I care to repeat but being a man these days. “I Am A Man Remember,” or I’ll see in the shower.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

Sixteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“What makes a monster and what makes a man?” ― Clopin, The Bells of Notre Dame (Reprise), from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore to say to any further extent that I honestly don’t know, that’s why you’ll see variations of this rule throughout because I am trying to figure it out. Now let me say this, in a moment I will be a hypocrite, I don’t believe neither God nor woman can teach one how to be a man, it’s just not possible.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.” ― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation #3.5

See I told you, that’s from a woman, and I have read more erotic literature than most and I ask myself is this what women want, but that’s sort of like being in rehab if you do it for someone else it doesn’t take. Now what about God, Jesus was made flesh correct and yet by today’s standards, traveled with twelve guys, didn’t drink, and of course, he never knew women, and somehow he was the greatest thing ever. As for myself well; I admire 60% of the men I read about, I don’t drink, I hang with a couple of girls, and I have been called some of the most horrible things but what is worse than being a man, being a woman… low.

“A woman is strength.
Not just the giver of life
and all that, but more.
Men don’t even know who they are
until they find the right woman.
Or, for that matter,
if they even want a woman.
But whatever he chooses,
it starts with us.” ― The Brothers (2001)

If a woman is a woman when she gains the ability to give life, is it the same for a man, I do have illusions of being a father one day, and I am to the four-legged ball of instant love. I can go on forever and a day about what I think a man is, but there is too much emphasis on what a man is supposed to be and speaking of my dog, I have said I want to be the man my dog thinks I am. Why not apply, if I had a daughter and she dated maybe a guy like me would I be pleased… ask Indiana Gone, I cook, I clean, I don’t lie, I don’t screw other women, how I want to but she’s not mine, so there’s that.

“Only a fool refuses a woman who offers herself.” ― Miroku’s Past Mistake, Inuyasha, 161

Here’s the question, do I want to be a man pleasing to God, women, my dog, my parents whoever; I have a job, a car, I protect what’s mine, I don’t do drugs, I want to write. I love most animals; I kill spiders, roaches, other creepy crawlers, I read, etc. None of that matters though to any and all, I might even have biology on my side, and just like any math class I just copy the problem over an over *sigh* I might not be great, worthy, right, or just, so be afraid, I Am A Man Remember.

“Mercy is the mark of a great man.

Guess I’m just a good man.

Well, I’m all right.” Shindig, Firefly

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

Pain has plenty of points, something wrong; you’re still alive, you’re stronger because you’re not letting it kill you, the same can be true of a scar, too bad no one can see my scars on the inside, I’d be one badass man I Take My Own Lumps

Monday, January 15, 2018

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

Fifteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore; perhaps the truth is my forte *snickers* I feel sort of like Sota from “Sota’s Brave Confession of Love” I am not brawny, reliable, or able to say things outright, but… I take my own lumps. Madam Justice I endure the pain I deserve, the pain I don’t, I pay the price for myself and others, and I feel that is just what a man does, what would I know.

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young ― When You Were Young

There’s no doubt in my mind that I ain’t Jesus, nowhere near Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, my greatness is definitely in question, but I don’t ask anyone to fight for me or to sacrifice if I am the cross you have to carry then put me down. I was ready to die when I was a child if I wasn’t the person my family wanted then why keep me… love, expectations, investment? Even now much to my shame I’m still not self-sufficient, if I lost everything well, there is a reason I have what I call my Alamo Fund. A way to meet my end with dignity, a five-star hotel, hookers, my favorite foods, and some kick-ass drugs or as the song goes perhaps Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

I’m just an average man, with an average life
I work from nine to five; hey hell, I pay the price
All I want is to be left alone in my average home
But why do I always feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone ― Somebody’s Watching Me

As much as I loathe humanity and I long for the day the dead walk the Earth or maybe Trump will legalize the annual Purge it’s always been about hurting myself rather than anybody. You know it’s stupid I came up with this rule years ago when I wrecked my car against a tree, then drove to work with screwed brakes, and afterward drove to an auto shop, all because I didn’t want to inconvenience, my “father” or my job. Do you want a confession better suited for Echo or Diana; what makes me an incredible sadist is the fact that I’m a fantastic masochist, maybe I get off on my pain and thus when I enjoy the occasion I choose to share it honestly.

I heard on a TV show once; we cannot learn without pain or what about the saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… or better start running. Trust me I don’t yearn for adversity, trial, and tribulation, the slings, and arrows but like I told my mother a few days ago as old as I am, I’m growing up, and I’m not that bad, I Take My Own Lumps.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ― Martin Luther King, Jr. 1929 – 1968

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

I wish I could find the starting line once again but shouldn’t I be looking for the finish line, or maybe there is just so much more race to run, don’t know where I’m going, neither do I most days. I Will Go The Distance

Monday, January 8, 2018

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

Fourteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, I’m on my way, at least that’s what my dream seemed to allude to and yes I do believe in visions which is why I found this one so scary. You know I’m not usually awakened from such a desperate necessity, so when I am, it often means something, though I haven’t been fired from the day job.

Hell, even the general manager told me if I’m not happy I should leave and I nearly broke out with that “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.’ Only I’m no officer, and I’m not a gentleman, not when the right girl… okay, a girl I want comes along. There are days I always feel like I’m running you know and there isn’t some light at the end of the tunnel just a brief respite here and there. I suppose the good news is I’m always moving because if you’re not you’re dead but I’m not getting anywhere; another regret, I should have told Indiana Gone, I didn’t get anywhere today despite what my car says.

Now, of course, the first step is always the hardest but next, even if you can’t see it, you have to know there is something out there and Madam Justice I honestly do. The thing is I’m always resting and if I’m moving, well in my dream I slept the whole way, I lost some key I was given, and then my luggage was lost, so much so I spent time this morning just looking through all my travel bags. Is that what my dream was trying to tell me, that I have to get out and I have always been one of those who would instead leap than just step, and cue the Xbox One Jump ahead commercial right?

Every morning I step, but this place must be like a maze and not trying to get all racial because how much do I know but, the black man must fly to hat the white man can walk to, that’s from Chris Rock. So we see comedy is not my thing from a long time ago but writing, just like any of my stories I find where I want to go. As my mother said I would find my way and as the music swells, may I be as strong as Hercules, may I have that kind of heart and I Will Go The Distance?

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” ―Hercules

I Will Have No Fear