Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

Pain has plenty of points, something wrong; you’re still alive, you’re stronger because you’re not letting it kill you, the same can be true of a scar, too bad no one can see my scars on the inside, I’d be one badass man I Take My Own Lumps

Monday, January 15, 2018

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

Fifteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore; perhaps the truth is my forte *snickers* I feel sort of like Sota from “Sota’s Brave Confession of Love” I am not brawny, reliable, or able to say things outright, but… I take my own lumps. Madam Justice I endure the pain I deserve, the pain I don’t, I pay the price for myself and others, and I feel that is just what a man does, what would I know.

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young ― When You Were Young

There’s no doubt in my mind that I ain’t Jesus, nowhere near Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, my greatness is definitely in question, but I don’t ask anyone to fight for me or to sacrifice if I am the cross you have to carry then put me down. I was ready to die when I was a child if I wasn’t the person my family wanted then why keep me… love, expectations, investment? Even now much to my shame I’m still not self-sufficient, if I lost everything well, there is a reason I have what I call my Alamo Fund. A way to meet my end with dignity, a five-star hotel, hookers, my favorite foods, and some kick-ass drugs or as the song goes perhaps Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

I’m just an average man, with an average life
I work from nine to five; hey hell, I pay the price
All I want is to be left alone in my average home
But why do I always feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone ― Somebody’s Watching Me

As much as I loathe humanity and I long for the day the dead walk the Earth or maybe Trump will legalize the annual Purge it’s always been about hurting myself rather than anybody. You know it’s stupid I came up with this rule years ago when I wrecked my car against a tree, then drove to work with screwed brakes, and afterward drove to an auto shop, all because I didn’t want to inconvenience, my “father” or my job. Do you want a confession better suited for Echo or Diana; what makes me an incredible sadist is the fact that I’m a fantastic masochist, maybe I get off on my pain and thus when I enjoy the occasion I choose to share it honestly.

I heard on a TV show once; we cannot learn without pain or what about the saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… or better start running. Trust me I don’t yearn for adversity, trial, and tribulation, the slings, and arrows but like I told my mother a few days ago as old as I am, I’m growing up, and I’m not that bad, I Take My Own Lumps.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ― Martin Luther King, Jr. 1929 – 1968

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 141 ~Relapse, I’m The Man~

40 Days and 40 Nights yeah right but I know it’s not impossible, 41 maybe but let’s just focus surviving this new week, because it’s going to be a doozy. Relapse, I’m The Man, or I truly want to be, I want to get better, I need to

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Lesson 141 ~Relapse, I’m The Man~

To Will:
No Fear, that will come later, as will everything else and I know it is hard it is damn hard to find anything to take solace in, to be proud of and I know I’m not and I can’t ask you to be. If anything though I ask you to simply acknowledge that you are still here for a chance… hmm, could that be the secret of life?

Bane: Now’s not the time for fear. That comes later. ― The Dark Knight Rises

See Christians fuck up but because they are saved it doesn’t matter to them and you fuck up tons but you don’t have that safety net and while death is not in the cards for now, and crucifixion is an ugly way to go, the fact is you don’t need to be saved this minute. Don’t people in rehab talk about taking it one day at a time, maybe that’s all this place is, just one big rehab so that my soul is ready, yeah you’ll have to excuse me for the religious connotations. Every day is a lesson, I tend to repeat myself because I am the one voice that you need to hear, now isn’t that something but before you laugh, just imagine about what is going on this week, the task that now stands before you waiting.

King Ezekiel: We have come this far. Our first victory will allow our second. The second will deliver our third. ― from The Walking Dead

I was talking to Lady Lu the other day and I said the point was to endure, I have also recognized that I just don’t want to survive, and then there is hope, which must be admired for being so hard to kill, just like us. What was it that kept you going last night to the early morning, and for once I am honestly not trying to be dirty, talk about how many times we have relapsed on that front. I even think about that saying of today is the first day of the rest of your life, annoying if nothing else but is this not what we do, start over again and again.

“It’s the end of the world. Did you think it would be easy? I don’t expect you to win. I don’t even expect you to live. Only endure.” Teen Titans

Should I give you a goal or tell you what I know you must do because you will get your chance, not this week, no this week you will do as you have always done and when you see the other side, well that will be a conversation for another. If you must have a goal though if you fall short if you don’t make the grade… okay that might be enough YouTube for today but if and when you find you can’t make it just say to yourself the truth, Relapse, I’m The Man

I Will Have No Fear