Gospel 117 ~Choose The Truth Over Possible~

Another depressing day, yep, it’s Monday. The truth is I’ve wasted today. While anything is possible, like me doing more… Of course I won’t, and why is that? The Walking Dead on my phone, good friends, or being lazy. “Choose The Truth Over Possible”

Monday, October 26, 2020

Gospel 117 ~Choose The Truth Over Possible~

Hundred And Fifty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so words like impossible shouldn’t even be in my vocabulary. Of course, it’s always staring me in the face come Sunday. This morning was the perfect example. The time I needed to get up, vs. the time I actually got up. Forty minutes early ain’t much, but it’s a start. To think I once made it a habit to wake up an hour and a half before my alarm; to read. While I ain’t accomplishing much, I have been reading 15% daily of whatever novel. So the question is, do I still believe in this rule?

“To the edge of the universe and back, endure and survive.” – The Last of Us

One of my motivations says, stop thinking about what you can get away with. Instead, you should ask yourself how much can you bear. At this moment, I’m tired, but I will go on. I should rest, but it’s possible to keep going and why? All the things I can’t talk about. As the song goes, Almost Doesn’t Count. The truth is, I could have finished Far Cry 5, Heavy Rain, even This War of Mine. So why didn’t I? I did say before there are so many endings? Hell, sounds like one of my novels, but we’re not there Justice. Entertainment value and everything else. Am I not entertained? Now the truth is pretty dark. No, I’m not entertained in this life, and if I wanted to… No, the possible is I could be a great man, only a man.

I will forever be a traditionalist, a realist. Yes, I keep the truth from some people, but that doesn’t mean I have not accepted it. Still, I dare to dream for more; faith, hope, and love. Yes, I could be sleeping, but I woke up early, and I’m sitting here talking to you right now. I don’t have to do NaNoWriMo. The truth is I don’t want to because I’ll be tired and stressed. Every time I finish it, there is no great victory, only the mountain climbed and no way to get down. Editing sucks, Madam Justice, so I simply refuse to attempt it. However, what am I doing with GULP then? Will I even get to it today? The truth is no, but it’s there, and it’s possible.

Who am I, Les Brown saying It’s Possible. So my question, believing the rule is an act of 1984 “Doublethink.”

Choose The Truth Over Possible.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 110 ~I’m Will, There’s A Way~

I didn’t mean to be so depressing today but starting yesterday evening. I looked at where I was in my life, and everything I’ve ever wanted seems so far away. Looking back, seeing a way forward, I’m Will, There’s A Way. Hopefully.

Monday, October 19, 2020

Gospel 110 ~ I’m Will, There’s A Way~

Hundred And Fifty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and of course, it seems like fate, chance, destiny. At least that’s what I was thinking about Sunday night as I asked myself, what have I become. How about at 2:30 AM, my alarm. There’s also 4:30 PM; the day was wasted. Madam Justice, I’m thirty-six, and if you asked me where I saw myself. Well, let’s say that my depression is back with a vengeance. I scorched the dining room table on the grounds of being somewhat responsible. Is that what it is? Now I looked on YouTube for some quick-fix.

Anyway, yesterday I was talking about the Six Impossible Things that aren’t. Hell, the “Big I” is simply the “Grand L.” Yeah, ask me where I’ve been besides gorging on bite-sized shrimp and reading. As I said, I scorched the table, but eating, reading, sleeping. You know I don’t even carry my laptop into my bedroom anymore because I would never leave. I keep the smartphone on the drawers, so I have to walk over and shut it off. Doesn’t matter anyway; I go right back to sleep always. My greatest victory, I can’t even explain. Stupidity, I’m still on my “Family-Friendly” lark. I can’t tell you about what I’m reading or how hard I’m fighting. There’s no way because being Will isn’t allowed. Do I blame Pinterest again? Yes, I still have it but locked all the way from any prying eyes right now.

I am such a broken record Madam Justice. My motivations say you have to know your reason and what. Add to that why and how. Now I won’t bother with the what because you’ve heard it all before, and once again, I can’t speak of it. Being Jacob or Ian? Fortunately, my why is the most innocent looking Dæmon, my Imp, lying next to me. Besides you, Madam Justice, the only woman it’s safe to talk about is my Mother. I want her to be alright and if I can help. Also, I never want to be a comedian. Motivationally speaking, how can I accomplish all this? Reading and writing. Only when’s the last time I have written anything besides our conversations. How long did it take me to write my previous book review, hmm?

THEY don’t get me, I don’t accept me, like the song, Something In The Way. I’m Will, There’s A Way.

“Aut viam inveniam aut faciam tibi.

I will either find a way or make one.”
― Kendall Ryan, Unravel Me

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 103 ~Grief Tastes Like The Ocean~

I’ve been trying to drink two bottles of water a day, which still ain’t much but it beats turning all Kel Mitchell with orange soda. I actually like root beer and root beer floats, yum. “Grief Tastes Like The Ocean,” but I’m not sad, yet…

Monday, October 12, 2020

Gospel 103 ~Grief Tastes Like The Ocean~

Hundred And Fifty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so how can I be sad? Um, I’m also a black man living in the USA. It’s not like I blame mom’s cooking or anything. Yep, she was the first one to tell me not to use so much salt. Was I the only one dipping his digits in the seasoning hm? To tell you the truth Madam Justice, I’m not sad today but angry. Yet again, I wasted the day away, when we could have already had this talk. You know why I’m always so exhausted? It’s so I have the chance to cry when I yawn. Barring blood, other secretions.

Blood is salty, but I’m in no rush to spill it. I’m a writer, not a vampire, but either way, I’m a monster. Not to mock such greatness as Johnston Green… Come on, man! He was the mayor of Jericho. How about The Instructor in The Animatrix? The Operative? Entertainment, my dear Madam Justice? Again we have Jericho, a nod to The Second Renaissance and Serenity (2005). Here is my reasoning, they all spilled blood and showed remorse in having to do so. There was no time for tears but the taste of blood, always.

Interestingly enough, that’s how I see myself as an author. Haven’t I been complaining that I have no time? Come November, and with that NaNoWriMo, all my time will be spent on words. In those, I will grieve Madam Justice.

Why do you think all of my stories end up on a “specific” subject? You know what else take like salt… sweat. Of course, you know the word I want to say, but I’m “trying” to be good. Hell, how do you think I got out of bed, only I haven’t broken, thank goodness. Anyway, I don’t even like killing characters in my books. Take “The Eve of a Cherry” as an example. The first book was to know what he was losing, the second “For A Fine Cherry Spread” was acknowledgment. The third will be acceptance of the loss.

I cry for characters in books, and yes, there’s also anger. Before my inopportune nap, I read Eric Vall, and that was… something. As the song goes, “Tell me something good.” Because if I started crying about my real life, I might never ever stop. The taste is too much!!!

Grief Tastes Like The Ocean.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 101 ~Reinventing The Will SIGH~

I suppose I should be grateful for yet another opportunity to change. As much s I would like to admit I had plans for today, cut to Pinterest and a bout of sickness. Over one and not the other. Can you guess? Reinventing The Will SIGH.

Saturday, October 10, 2020

Gospel 101 ~Reinventing The Will SIGH~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so add doctors to the list. Here I was shaking about the Coronavirus (COVID-19), but where have I spent the last few hours? Well, yeah, in bed, sleeping until 10 AM, but I should have enjoyed it. Let’s say for now God bless Sprite, which I always keep on hand. How sick was I? It all started when I took a little trip down to Pinterest way. A new email, a new Pinterest home, and the same mistakes. The only thing that keeps me 100% fearful is my “father.” He was doing a favor, killing me.

Woah! I hear you, Lady Lu, and I’m not getting into any Halloween celebrations quite yet. What I mean is, as the song goes, you “Make Me Wanna Die.” I’m not suicidal, but back then, every single time, it was because of him. Didn’t want his progeny living in fear. Speaking of which, before I screwed up this afternoon, I was running away from my phone. Now of all the terrors it holds, friendship shouldn’t be one. Oh baby, I love you, just leave me the (blank) alone. I swear with such and such texting me I’ll write a book. Only my stomach knew I had no such designs, and when I know I’m doing something wrong, it’s all “Down With The Sickness.” I swear I felt like crying, and I’ve been getting many of these days over and over.

My dreams aren’t exactly helping. I told M Anime that they serve as messages. So my “father” a million texts, and an upset stomach, but now visions. Yes, Lady Lu, I still see myself as a young man. Well, me and My Dæmon wise. Even he was worried about me. Anyway, while dreaming, I saw a Latino man sliding down a slip n’ slide or a waterslide. Trash was on both sides, and he was scared, but he kept sliding without any real control. Hell, I wish I could tell you more, but again I’m trying to be good. So why am I on Pinterest? I see the signs. And not only in my head Lady Lu. I’m wasting too much time on nothing. You know, maybe that’s it, something fun, but it’s all garbage. What about the character, hmm?

As always, I have to be better, but again I’m trying. Reinventing The Will SIGH

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 096 ~Doubt Drips And Floods Minds~

People crying for money, laughing at me, and I’m sure some Trump supporters are out of relief. Sometimes I feel like tearing up, but there is something else coming out of my eyes, and that’s fear of uncertainty. Doubt Drips And Floods Minds

Monday, October 6, 2020

Gospel 096 ~Doubt Drips And Floods Minds~

Hundred And Fifty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford to get medical care like Trump. I’ll never have to hear that humming in the house ever again (yes, it has returned). How about we finish our conversation before wrestling comes on. I’m about to start sounding like Georgina from the movie Get Out. I don’t have the plague, Madam Justice. My nose is acting kind of funny, that’s all. Damn, that humming ended, I don’t know when and has started back today. We’ll still be talking when it’s time for WWE.

Now, Madam Justice, you know how I talk about FEAR, but doubt is a relative. Hell, let’s talk about the Day Job’s humiliation. I tried hanging up those doggy sweaters, got scared, and left them. So yeah, the new guy put them up no problem, and I looked SIGH, STUPID. When I came back to the house, I was all in reading the latest novel, and knowing me, all I wanted to do was fall asleep. Not because it’s terrible, but that’s what I do? Am I tired? I have another word for it, Madam Justice. If anything, I’m damn lazy, slothful, good for nothing. What about my OCD over everything? Oh, I do mean everything. I had a plan this afternoon that got spoiled because some lady was outside Walmart, begging for money. Afterward, I’m sitting there doubting I have cash for ranch wings.

That’s why I’m sitting on the sofa, lying in bed, hell, staring at my phone in a parked car. It’s like floating, you know. Madam Justice, I can’t swim, and I literally can’t float in a pool. Only when I’m right here, in bed, or a zombie, I’m keeping my head above water just so. Every day I’m fighting like crazy and then wonder why I’m going mad with a straight face. I read about this torture, where a drop of water to the temple continuously will get that result. Yet I continue to sit or lie, and I keep breathing, but how much longer? I don’t mean to sound so dark. Notice what I’m not talking about… I have such a good joke, but no. I doubt my resolve, along with everything else in my life. Has the humming stopped, or have I stopped worrying about it right now?

Sweat, blood, tears, sloppy writing. Doubt Drips And Floods Minds.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 094 ~Dying For The Will~

I would kill for a nap right now, but why not for money, is that any better? At least when I’m sleeping, no one is being hurt fictionally or factually but didn’t my son wake me up yesterday. His heart problems… “Dying For The Will, where’s my heart?”

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Gospel 094 ~Dying For The Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and yet have no one to leave my fortune to. If I had the money, somewhere on the list would be how to make dogs live longer. Yesterday I brought up that the Dæmon and I had a bit of a scare. My son’s heart was working too hard, and my heart? It seems only when it’s breaking, is when I realize I have one at all. Every other time well… as you know, I commit many a sin, most based on FEAR. While not one of the seven deadly or nine circles a crime. But today, let’s talk about SLOTH.

THEY say it’s the most difficult sin to define, and like any disease it is, will or has killed me. Hell, if this was the Day Job we were talking about, I wouldn’t be complaining. Don’t I love writing? Wasn’t I almost on time today, 4:15 AM? Get up at 4:00 AM, 3:00 if ET. Dearest Lu, I don’t mean to be so down today. I’m a black man living in America. Even when we’re up, we’re down for the struggle, praying, or living the dream. I guess all those typing lessons in school didn’t take as I watch my fingers flying and son napping. However, I always know that I can do so much better for him. For us, but I might die right here on this couch someday because I neither want to do or try. Why is it every day I sound more like a Republican, but then again, I want to vote. Let’s say I’m inspired.

To what, help my country and indeed the world. Didn’t I talk about wearing masks and how I didn’t want anyone to die? If anything, I like the apocalyptic aesthetic. Well, it turns out that was false hmm as I watch people celebrate (you know who) get carted off for treatment. Only there’s no antidote for laziness, for Sloth. I wonder why are conversations take so long, Lady Luna, and it’s because I want everything to be perfect… Now again, isn’t that one more lie? My fingers and tongue have all the energy in the world to make up excuses. Of course, if this was the Day Job? Now that’s something I don’t want to lose. Yet here I am sitting, writing, I love it but Dying For The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 089 ~Guilt Is A Fine Poison~

There are things a lot worse than death. Okay, not many, but if I ever get busted, I hear Mexico is fine this time of the year, and if Trump gets reelected. At least I take the blame, but the question is, what have you got, hm? Guilt Is A Fine Poison

Monday, September 28, 2020

Gospel 089 ~Guilt Is A Fine Poison~

Hundred And Fifty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I either have or as the song goes. “There have been times I find myself thinking of committing some dreadful crime.” Oh, the secrets untold in the universe, should I acquire such wealth. I tell you, Madam Justice, I need to get some black heroes one of these days. Anyway, as one white man said, if he won the lottery, it would be a bunch of hookers and cocaine. How about the concept of Disregard Females, Acquire Currency? That explains why I’m not napping. Guilt?

Hell, if we were talking only today, sigh, I woke up at 2:30 AM to write or read. Um, well, you know what I did. I went right back to sleep until I got up for the Day Job. It’s funny. I never find guilt in going to Hell but only along the path of paradise, which is my writing. While there, of course, everybody looks at me like I’m STUPID (shudders). Even with all the RAGE coursing through me, it’s as if I’m not working hard enough, ever. I’m mad that I was a minute late, but you know how it is. ANXIETY. One more reason I’m awake now. What about the fact that I sort of had to blow M. Anime off? I was working, but she’s one of my few remaining friends. I expect soon MILF Dos will find the loophole and block me. I’m not stalking her, but that right there makes me guilty. Damn Instagram!

In one way, I’m like Akon singing out, “You can put the blame on me.” As always, I never want to Hurt Somebody. I fuck up with women, a lot and I can pretty much suss out why; pardon my language. Still, I wish I could get them all in a room and have explanations. Probably less likely I could play Rag’ n’Bone Man. “I’m only human after all, Don’t put your blame on me.” Have you noticed I haven’t mentioned Pinterest lately, and even Whisper is starting to act funny? I’m a man Madam Justice, never hinted being any good. So you can hate me now or like when I look at my Dæmon. Sorry, but the streets too hot, it’s freezing or “Blame It On The Rain,” yeah.

Yeah, GUILT doesn’t kill me. It keeps me from Hell. Guilt Is A Fine Poison.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 087 ~Will Of Early Birds~

Why do birds suddenly appear? Why did the chicken cross the road? It’s better to be a live chicken than a dead duck. Okay, so this morning, I saw BK was voted the best chicken sandwich. Well, that was a blanking lie. Will Of Early Birds, chat or food

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Gospel 087 ~Will Of Early Birds~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I should send someone out shopping. Who was it that said if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything? If there’s one thing I want in these times, it’s time itself. Now I could talk about living in the moment, but I seldom ever do. Hell Lady Lu, all I do is talk to you and the girls, but I have no interest in looking back on those conversations. Here and now, I had a spirited discussion with M. Anime. My dreams last night were thoughts of COVID-19. Yesterday I got a “TOY.”

Dale Carnegie was right about keeping busy to avoid worry. Yet I worry about the past, present, and possible all at once. My history, again, today, I’m worried about keeping “IT” in my pants. Some time ago, I said I would have a day I don’t talk about legs, breasts, and thighs, but it is not this day. For Existence Day, I got the Adam and Eve Bangin Betty Stroker Kit. My that takes me back to how I got my first Fleshlight. To a time, I began studying BDSM; research. How about watching Extreme Movie for the first time?

Somehow from all of that, I found my life’s purpose. At present, I can’t say that I’m living up to it. Now understand this, Lady Lu, it has never deviated from writing. I knew of Le Marquis De Sade but hadn’t read his works. I read books on BDSM, for example, Dom’s Guide To Submissive Training. It wasn’t until I found my mother’s copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I realized people could write like that… Badly, I can hear the jokes. Only I discovered a whole world and that men can write like that too. S. Wolf “Sex Zombies.”

Still, I will say tomorrow, okay? I was up at 4:00 AM somehow, but what time is it now? It’s been about 11 hours, and what can I say I have accomplished today. Well, at least I ain’t hungry because I’ve been everywhere, Ma’am. All the same, where will I be tomorrow, and how is the new week looking. The only way I see myself flying is if someone pecks at me. If I were a Christian man, all Jonah and the whale, I think.

Why do birds suddenly appear, SIGH, Will Of Early Birds.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 082 ~Do, There Is No Try~

Star Wars is always good for wisdom, but it doesn’t help if I don’t take it in. Maybe if I was getting paid pittance for it, but I’ve had my blog for four years, and I take comfort in it. The Day Job for nine years, and I hate it. Do, There Is No Try

Monday, September 21, 2020

Gospel 082 ~Do, There Is No Try~

Hundred And Fifty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but is that enough to invest in Disney? Madam Justice, I have so many reservations. More like I misspelled the word excuses. At this particular moment in time (Time-Travel), I’m pretty damn motivated. Do you remember how I said earlier this morning (Sunday) I wanted to take another nap? Well, since I was busy trying to save my porno stash. Also, I’m making room for more… @QOCWorkblog, Alice Little, more Tifa Lockhart. Now how am I so clear when it comes to that, besides being a guy.

When it comes to writing, here I am. All it took was one girl calling me skeevy, which morphed into a going on now; four-year blog. It was never trying with writing. It’s what I am, but I didn’t talk to Lady Lu forever. Regardless of everything else, writing’s me. Madam Justice, to my left, lies the Dæmon. Now my views on love… damn but with him, food, water, attention, comfy spots. Am I a good father? It’s why I fail every week because I want to be. So what about his chip, his nails? He could use a bath. Only no, and why not? Again am I being a better man. I’m still thinking about my Six Impossible Things. I’m motivated, but every moment is a struggle to not look at something more ADULT, and in that, I have failed. It’s been two days.

While I was waiting for updates, I was on my phone looking up my lost Pinterest boards. I’m not going back but tell that to Dear Future Wife. I lost everything, so that includes Looking For My Swirl, so finding pictures? Of course, I will, but it will be harder. Madam Justice, the dumbest thing, remains. I hate the Day Job, but there is no trying there, I do. Everything I want out of life is trying but as the song questions. “Why do the things I hate come so naturally?” Because I’m trying to have the existence everyone believes. Impossible, Immoral, Insane, are the words I use for everything I want. Master Yoda said Luke was too old. It’s been about two weeks since Existence Day, but I’ve wanted to be someone else or not be here for years.

A scary thought, but I’m not there yet with Depression. Being me, I must do. Do, There Is No Try.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 080 ~Willie Gone Diddilly On~

She’s out of my life, it’s out of my life, and I’m no good with goodbyes, but neither is anyone else sadly. All I know are magicians, manifestations, and mistakes. Is it any wonder I’m into whips, chains, ropes, and fabric. “Willie Gone Diddilly On.”

Saturday, September 19, 2020

Gospel 080 ~Willie Gone Diddilly On~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. This means besides Target and 5-hour ENERGY, add Pinterest to my sickness and rage. Now don’t sound I “presidential” going to war with some company. So like Trump with Tik Tok. Today, I’ll be pretty selfish.

Sure, I could talk about the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, may she rest in peace. There’s also how angry I’m being to with Dæmon since he growled at me yesterday. Hell, I’m still a little perturbed by how rude I was to that internet salesman last Friday at Walmart. At the Day Job, one of the managers told me I can’t go around ignoring people. Today and every other, I’m supposed to be a father. I can’t stay in a rage forever, which is one more reason I’m always exhausted. That and fear, finding out my Pinterest was suspended.

A second time Lady Lu, and there won’t be a third. All of that “work” and like finding out about some girl in the middle of the night. She’s gone. It’s gone, and I’m going to be sick. I don’t know how to speak the feeling. It’s like I’m slamming into the ground, trying to bury myself or find a staircase right into Hell. I need some sleep, but at the same time, I can’t close my eyes. My stomach is empty, and at the same time, I want to puke my guts out. The only way I’ll find them.

I keep going back to the words from my big “sister” as always. “You can’t build a strip club next to a school.” I didn’t do something so heinous, and at the same time, I declare guilt, my many sins. I did finishing reading that W. Anton book yesterday, so shouldn’t I be a man about this? If anything, I should shut-up talking to you and the girls about, well anything. I could lose this blog tomorrow, lose another profile whenever. I haven’t felt this bad since… MILF Dos, the Rainbow Girl, All The Jazz, my last Pinterest, was taken.

How I need to remember how I got over that one. Didn’t I tell you before my aunt said I wanted to destroy the world? I’m not looking to gain the world but to buy back my soul. My soul was before me, then poof. Pictures worth thousands of words all Willie Gone Diddilly On.

I Will Have No Fear