Log 061 ~Will To Learn Hmm~

Advertising, Branding, Photography, when I was in high school I did try to learn French “the language of love” for obvious reasons, in college it was journalism, which explains my research skills, hell my mom’s a banker. “Will To Learn Hmm”

Saturday, August 31, 2019

Log 061 ~Will To Learn Hmm~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Millionaire right now or tomorrow? At least I woke up like one. Checking the Stock Exchange and waking up to someone cute. Of course, I have yet to invest. That someone cute is seven pounds of fluff, four legs, and I love him like pancakes. I said that in one year I would be a millionaire. So the question becomes, why aren’t I? Can I blame PCH? Hell should I be blaming my temptations, there’s been a few. Whatever happened to Shailene Woodley?

Speaking of things I’m learning, it’s all about money. Did I believe I would find the likes of Pure Taboo, Fetish Network, Reality Kings, Brazzers as stocks? For a second there, yeah I kind of did. I’ve found a few shares here or there but nothing that speaks to me Lady Lu. Think outside the box as THEY say. I found a company that does condoms. Talk about a business that will always be needed. I still have my submissive closet, so maybe I’ll look for something in Spicy Lingerie or the like. I continue to see the “broken” which isn’t very polite to say such things. It took everything within me not to make an offer to a young woman only yesterday. What about this morning? Yeah, I’m all sorts of terrified that a polite hello or an inquiry might cost me a friend.

I read somewhere that women don’t decide where to eat because of Adam and Eve. At the moment I get where Eve is coming from ha. Last time she did something somewhat “innocent” humanity was screwed. My firstborn still flinches as though I may hurt him. Am I that much of a monster? Will I ever learn to be good? It would start by putting some money up for treats and such. I’m too busy trying to treat myself or be a man. It would be something like Manhood training in Roots. No, my father taught me to fear both God and Man. God doesn’t bother me but trusting another human being? One more reason I like the path of sex and submission. Pain, Passion, and Power Lady Lu. To relish one, share the other, and be trusted with all indeed.

I don’t trust myself not to check my phone for an hour for news. How could I think to give my word to have a million? Will To Learn Hmm.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 054 ~Staying Ahead Of Will~

Last week I wasn’t sitting in bed and now; cut me some slack, I was up at 5:15 AM, the firstborn is walked and medicated, I even left to get some gas for the old car, and I’m not playing and “other” games. “Staying Ahead Of Will.”

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Log 054 ~Staying Ahead Of Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Millionaire right now, but I should have been a long time ago. Today I’m ahead of the game but only by an hour or so. You know one of my best motivations says to wake up at 4:00 AM. It’s not like I haven’t before, and I even got around six hours last night. As if I need more temptation to fight. Jennifer Lawrence, Lily Bowman, Haley Pullos, and Girls Gone Plaid. Hell It’s not even 6 AM yet, and I’ve hit on a celebrity. Speaking of which I said, “I’ll be your Adam if you’ll be my Eve.”

Head games and mine still hurts from Walmart. It’s all in your head as THEY say, so I’m trying not to think about it, Lady Lu. Here we are though but still no bruise. I know better than to go to WebMD. Next thing you know I’ll find out I’m dying. We all are, no doubt only I might be sooner than most. As I said temptation and I should add Madison Page from Heavy Rain to the list. She’s the closest I’ve gotten to porn looking up that chapter “Sexy Girl.” Now You know I hate to lose anything on purpose but seeing video game boobs? One step closer to the grave Lady Lu. If I had to add up everywhere I can’t go and can’t eat or drink these days; the Grim Reaper would have no trouble finding me. Businesses that support Trump, Walmart sucks like Target now. An Icee reminds me of a particular dog. Chicken sandwich wars and everything in-between SIGH.

My body feels like it’s on fire. Yesterday I climbed back into bed after breakfast for a twenty-minute snooze. Bullshit (LANGUAGE) I know but I’m a damn addict when it comes to sleep, sex, and STUPIDITY. If I haven’t mentioned it before, that girl Nour from Bury me, my Love is hot. It could be so much worse, Lady Lu. You know I could get back into playing Virgin Roster or Casual Romance Club. There was also a specific game that got banned a few months back. I know you don’t judge but other people will. With that in mind, I’m 90% done with “Raphael,” and you know what the Catholic Church does. Stuff I can’t conceive, but this morning I have my firstborn waking up. Staying Ahead Of Will

I Will Have No Fear

Natural Born Sick Fux II

All the best people are going to read this book, would I like to meet any of them other than the author, uh yeah that thought sort of terrifies me but this book turns me on. Natural Born Sick Fux II, not a sequel but look out “Natural Born Killers”.

“Have I gone mad?”

“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.” Alice in Wonderland (2010)

I never got the fairy tales read to me in bed or if I did the bad outweighs the good and I just can’t remember, honestly I don’t even think I want to. This book though “Sick Fux” by Tillie Cole is something I will never forget, it haunts me.

Now this isn’t a squeal to anything but take “Natural Born Killers” plus “Alice In Wonderland” and seriously you have a worthy successor to either, though I wouldn’t let your kids see the latter and then move on to this. I’ve seen porn that has been cleaner honestly but the fact that I keep seeing this, picturing it, maybe I’m no different from Heathen and Ellis, oh and do I hear sirens? How about the author, the first book I have ever read from her and I can’t help but wonder what brought this on, I’d buy her a cup of tea, Earl Grey, for god sake’s Earl Grey nothing else will ever do, wow.

Five stars easy but how can I glow so much over this book as sick and as twisted as it is, I don’t mind tweeting quotes but there were so many I have to keep to myself here. It’s dark, terribly dark and when you do see the light, it’s the fires of Hell, not brimstone but gunfire, and however, do you wipe away the stains of blood? Okay to make a long story short, again refer to “Natural Born Killers” and give them a righteous cause and no “fux” to give except for each other Heathen and Ellis becoming Rabbit and Dolly, nothing more.

I don’t know if I’m more jealous of the talent or the fact I’m still looking for my Dolly, another comparison could be Bonnie and Clyde but this book, I’ve never read anything like it. Goes without saying I’ll be buying a copy for my actual shelf and I’ve already been talking it up to a good friend as well.

“The three always turned me on: blood, and death, and Dolly. And better yet . . . Killer Dolly”
― Tillie Cole, Sick Fux (2017)

Maybe the fact that this book turned me on so much should probably be a bad sign, things a girl could do to get me, my dog likes her, sing to me, or be anything like Dolly in this book, allowing me to be Rabbit.

Heathen James/White Rabbit, we both wear black, I’ve got at least five clocks, we both imagine a lot of people dead, both been dominated by men (not like that for me thank god), and both filled with darkness. I should also mention there is a bit BDSM master in him; should I call him a hero, given what he did for Dolly, sure and I actually believe everybody he kills people wise had it coming. They say that hate is taught and with Rabbit, the man became a Ph.D. but the question becomes could he have done better by Dolly.

To me personally once you get past their childhoods then the blood and the death doesn’t seem to be enough, trust me just let them grow up and you’ll be cheering this Wonderland duo. What about the sex though… well how sick are you, there are plenty of scenes from evil, to rough, to sensual?

Do I even have to say it… I have fallen in love Ellis Earnshaw/Dolly give me a girl like her and I’m good and no I don’t mean like one of her uncles. Honestly, Rabbit did the best he could because there is no way therapy could fix her, and I’m sure there are advocates that would say otherwise but those same people scream for punishments of the perpetrators and with what was done to Dolly… Even she acknowledged a part of herself being born and dying and there was no other choice, just saying.

As far as other characters, besides hating Rabbit’s parents and Dolly’s father, the only other character that concerned me was The Mad Hatter who plays everyday man you saw this now tell me that Rabbit and Dolly are so wrong.

This book has my five stars and even more of my money and should have yours too but if you don’t want any spoilers you should stop here. Maybe I should start saving the best for last but was there anything wrong with this title, that five stars can’t fix.

I can’t pick my favorite sex scene, but the mutual masturbation scene when they watched each other and spoke the epitaphs that they once heard, I’ve never met a girl that would let me talk like that. How about the deaths, so much death and I found myself hoping that Chapel or Henry/Hyde was sort of a Jigsaw figurehead which they sort of were for Rabbit. Now here’s something quite new, so I’m at work listening to Spotify and I looked up the “Sick Fux”, and “Dolly’s Mixtape” playlists… go download these now, incredible, spectacular.

Now Rabbit I think was pretty lucky to meet Chapel and Henry/Hyde despite the circumstances, two killers and protection so he could learn how to take revenge and help his Dolly, just seems convenient. I also didn’t like Dolly’s continued ignorance, not her fault but after everything how about learning to read, from a psychological standpoint she’s genius and living in Wonderland is good but reading I think might have been another tool for Rabbit to control her. Also, the simplest answer is usually correct but I guess I was expecting more near the end not that it isn’t surprising.

Surprise that I love this book, that I love Dolly, that I feel like I know Rabbit, that I’ll have to look into more playlists in the future and maybe keep my eye on Tillie Cole’s works. What else is there to say, Natural Born Killers, Alice In Wonderland, Sucker Punch, in a blender and you get a masterpiece that is Sick Fux, but you’ll never look at Alice the same again, I guarantee that.

Wake Up and Smell the Nuts Everyone

The Catholics think they have some bad publicity but there are still plenty of them running around, not to mention several other “churches” glad I got to read about a fictional one for a change. Wake Up and Smell the Nuts Everyone, it’s pretty crazy.

“It’s only forbidden, but nothing to be ashamed of”
― D.S. Wrights, Wake

For the most part, no, I mean it was a bit slow in going but once it picked up, I was in a way rooting for the villains, not all the way to the end of course but I was somewhat impressed by the sheer villainy. Nothing to be ashamed of story wise though the editing, I’m no editor, not in the slightest, except when I’m noticing these things every few pages… seriously me being a writer, it puts the fear of God into me.

Speaking of God, I always applaud any of author with the guts to go after the religious even if they are a “cult” and we all know these sort of groups, lie somewhere and nobody can escape unscathed. You won’t find any voices of reason in this book, either everyone is crazy or lying to some degree just to maintain, whatever they hold sanity to be. Character development pretty much lies on one concept, how crazy are you and when will you cross the line.

Nobody embodiments that more than our antihero Samael, and the heroine Anna, Samantha, Anna, trying to be Rachel it gets pretty confusing for both characters and reader alike. I guess love is sort of crazy when you look at it and of course, this is one of those stories where somebody has plenty of cash on hand, and while it doesn’t justify the crazy, I’m sure plenty of women will read it. Guys too if they have ever had such and such a dark urge and I will not delve into that rabbit hole, here.

So if you’re ready for crazy and a whole lot of dominant males though I was surprised by mother Rachel which shows women can be just as evil then this is a decent read, I won’t say good, for plenty of reasons but again we will get into that in a bit first the rundown.

Crazy mom, decent grandparents, indoctrination into a cult, predators, molesters, oldest crimes in the oldest traditions, girl falls in love with a boy/man-child and then escapes without him, not her choice. Retaken by the cult, boy/man-child has been warped and still crying out for daddy’s acceptance is going to train the girl and if you’re into this genre you can sort of see where this is going, not rocket science.

Now a part of me actually wants to say I sort of agree with Samael because I know how churches/cults can be that’s why you start with children but the ending in a way negates all that. Him being convinced that Anna betrayed him but he was already grown if he could break through the conditioning long enough to help her escape how could he be so sure it was all her fault. He truly got me in the end though, you don’t see many stories that don’t end with a happily ever after scenario, a change of pace indeed.

In all fairness, with Anna’s background, anyone would be messed up too and the captivity doesn’t help with that so her staying the same throughout is par for the course. I do think her character was somewhat beyond belief but again maybe it was her upbringing that kept her from screaming bloody murder for the most part. The scene between her and Samael was explosive when they finally got her virginity out of the way, though the teasing was awesome as well, to an extent, it grew tedious after a bit but the stories of Samael’s past with Rachel were wow with a bit of sick to go with it.

I think the ending could have been something more if the other characters were flushed out, don’t get me wrong we get back stories to most of them but again beyond belief when Anna can just present an idea and okay it’s been years nobody thought to do this? The Church of the Second Reckoning and everything maybe the author could have flushed Joshua out more, and explained how he kept power, though I have seen infighting in most churches.

In all I give “Wake” three stars, it was dark, it was creepy, not the typical ending and pretty twisted indeed there was plenty to like and if the author would just get some new editing and crank up the sex but maybe that’s just me being a guy. The editing just pulls you out of the story, you’re falling right into and next thing you know you’re ripped out.

I suppose my favorite part is when Anna is alone with the Samael’s other two brothers, I guess I should also mention spoilers but come on, everyone knows when it’s coming. Personally, I could have used a bit more graphical language but just the fact that the hero doesn’t come in and save the day just in the nick of time. Also the ending, there are few books especially a standalone that leave characters still screwed up and just saying, okay this is life so deal with it as so.

Other than the editing, I think Anna’s character, like mother, like daughter, came off a bit too cunning with her manipulations, in a place where people are killing each other left and right, nobody had an inkling to I don’t know get to Joshua? The teasing got a bit annoying after awhile, I’m never sure with erotica but some are a straight sexual smorgasbord and others are, maybe, still waiting, and okay. Also while Sam’s dad was lying to him, why was everybody lying to Anna, okay she’s a kid but the fact that they lied while soothing themselves did nothing for Anna, the characters could be pretty dense if they weren’t psychotic or just plain mad; genius and insanity.

This isn’t something I would have sought out, probably because of the religious jargon but it hits the right note between what we know in the news and completely unbelievable. Three stars, pay the money for the editing I know I will, now if you’ll excuse me I might actually need a nap after this, exciting and my brain hurts.

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

Being me, of all the horrors seen and imagined I would not wish to be me on anybody, and every day I remain myself and not the monster some would have me to be, trust me some thoughts make me appear to have the face of an angel. Not Easy to Be at all

Monday, August 21, 2017

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no it’s not easy to be me, not easy to exist right, not easy to continue when honestly all I want to do is cry, beg, scream, yeah I need to refer to my rules. Yes, I’ve been coming up with rules left and right today and also I have been thinking so much that I don’t know who I am, and people telling me what I am, I have completely neglected to say what I know I’m not.

1. I Will Have No Fear
2. You Are Not a Caveman
3. Now The Work Can Begin
4. Hate Will Keep You Alive
5. Love Is Worth Dying For
6. It’s Worthy of Your Soul
7. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
8. Anger Is Better That Despair
9. Satisfaction, the Death of Desire
10. Make Words Bleed, Not You
11. Live Life According to You
12. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours
13. Power Is All That Matters
14. I Will Go the Distance
15. I Take My Own Lumps
16. I Am a Man Remember

These are in no particular order just how I came up with them and I’ll be adding plenty more, I still don’t what’s going to happen to our conversations in the next month. Luna this is a time of great fear, of shame, of humiliation and I have always found a way to survive but that doesn’t make them any easier to endure. Remind me to write that down someday, how I survived that bad November, or YouTube, college, I swear the list just gets longer and longer sadly.

“Villain am I none. Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.” Romeo + Juliet

Lady Lu I have done some things I’m not too proud of, things that I regret, things that I may not have understood at the time and I have apologized. I have also admitted that my rage along with some lust has a tendency to get out of hand, to vilify me and somehow to terrify others, I try Lu, you know I try and then, I don’t know. What I cannot fathom is how people build this version of me inside of their minds, seriously in high school three boys made up a story, the principal took one look at me and let me go or how about when I was arrested and a judge looked at me… is it just a woman thing?

See it’s that right there, that’s what makes me look like some typical asshole, and the thing is being a typical asshole with this face does not fly with my current problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said before “Indiana Gone” along with the other ladies in my orbit will call me on my BS, without question but this problem ain’t new and that’s sad.

Will I lose my dignity, as the song goes, I think I already have and I’m hoping that’s the end of it but then tell that to my writing. Will someone care, other than Indiana Gone, nope at least not on my side of the divide and see that’s fair.

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare – “Will I”, cast of Rent

Tomorrow scares me as I’m sure it does many others if I am truly this evil creature everyone seems to think I am, it should be a club somewhere maybe. All I ever think about is everything I have to lose while everybody else cries foul and continues with their lives and again this is fair of them. I was watching this movie “Me Before You” this morning and to see a man lose his ability to be the man he was *sigh*, how dare I because he was good.

Luna will I lose myself to what they will make me out to be… no, let me make this point for you, I refuse to be the obsessed lunatic they would make me out to be. I refuse to be considered some sort of stalker, perv, predator or whatever else just so they can cry victim I’m not those things at all and I never will be. I hit my sister once and you know what that makes me, a child and my “father” whipped my ass and I’ve never so much as touched a woman without consent since then.

I spanked a girl when I was a kid too, and while plenty of people congratulated me, my father again sat me down and told me women were to be respected. Now that being said my “father” and my mother; anyway, let’s focus on the good because there isn’t much of that when it comes to him and me surely.

It’s my turn to be scared, it’s my turn to be humiliated, the good news is my family wrote me off a long time ago and Braxton can’t read. I take my own lumps if that means putting my fist in a locker if that means stomping my food as if I can crush the bad memories, or continuing to look like a damn fool I can live with that.

“”That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy!” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

It’s my turn to be the loser, as if I will ever stop being the loser, what’s my age again, don’t remind of what’s coming up Luna, but yeah meltdown right on schedule. It’s my turn to make a choice, with the Harmonic War I was defending my work and I burned it all to the ground, but with this, I have come to the simple conclusion as with most people, this ain’t worth it. Hell, I remember she got all upset and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her words, I simply turned away that was Cowardice or my part but this is Providence I feel because the anxiety is killing me.

It’s one thing to make someone want to run, it’s another to make them stay down but I’m still standing and just saying whatever, no defense, again my work was attacked and it was my worst but having the fire to write again, thank you. I need to thank you too, Luna, for being there in my time of great need, the power of words always prevails doesn’t it, or maybe a need of vanity. It’s my turn Luna, or as the Saints would say… this is our time now, let’s get this shit started, two blogging books down, plans in the works, getting ready.

So what have I learned today, more rules of course and that I know with all my crimes the only person that’s ever been hurt is myself, if that’s not being selfless then I don’t have a prayer. Speaking of prayer Luna, neither of us are the praying kind but I pray to whatever power is out there to protect my Braxton every day, so I ask you, Luna, to pray for us, these days it’s Not Easy to Be.

I Will Have No Fear