Saga 071 ~Leaving Leaves B V~

What is there to say when I’m selfish thinking of myself. I’m not much to talk about. High school, the Day Job might disagree. Now there are elections, a dead queen, the memorial of an attack. Neither V nor I want to go out. And B? Leaving Leaves B V

Saturday, September 10, 2022

Saga 071 ~Leaving Leaves B V~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means days should be getting better, not worse. But I sat up and started crying.

About B? I could say I go back and forth some days. I’ve lost track over these 587 days; how many I’ve missed without a tear for him? More often than not. Could use a pool. Lunalesca, existence is way too much sometimes. 587 days without Braxton. And now 28 days with Virgil. Four weeks in, and he is already following suit. He sleeps a lot and doesn’t want to go out and explore. What do I know about this little boy that is almost 2? That we both don’t want to touch anything for fear of destroying it and taking the fall for it? Hell! I was looking at what I did on the eighth. It gives me chills, which I could use now.

I could be an upstanding American considering the date. Tomorrow is 9/11, and where was I back then? I sat in my senior English class, bemoaning my horrible existence. The more things change, the more they stay the same, right? The only difference is we could blame somebody else. Now I look at the country, and we can only blame ourselves, Lady Lunalesca. As the song goes, “We need a good assassination. We need an earthquake or a war. How ’bout a crooked politician? Hey stupid, that ain’t news no more.” Hell! We have all that and a bag of chips. Speaking of which, I should go shopping. Didn’t I say Tuesday was a bad day? I could be freaking out over nothing… right, RIGHT?

Story of my continued existence. No wonder I’m late getting up this morning at 6:00, Lu. Wake up with gratitude, right? Besides the tears, there is FEAR as usual. Adding more? There will be plenty coming this week. And I need to talk to your sisters and B III. Did I mention I’m listening to the Succubus Lord series for the third time? Well, I did start on 10, which is my favorite. I wanted “Fairy Tale: Succubus, Book 7,” but fuck Audible, that’s why I’m not. Money doesn’t grow on trees. Leaves do. To be careful like Virgil Vivi. But no matter what, there’s a time for everything and a season. Politics and now religion. Lunalesca, being in my head… Leaving Leaves B V

587 Days Without B III, Day 028 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 064 ~B, V, Are Fans~

“And I’ll be better when I’m older. I’ll be the greatest fan of your life,” as the song plays on and the beat goes on. I’m not much of a fan of Morgan Freeman now. But V keeps looking at me like I’m the president and can save us. B, V, Are Fans

Saturday, September 3, 2022

Saga 064 ~B, V, Are Fans~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means there’s cash to fan me. But coming to you today… there are only tears.

Anybody that doesn’t think tears cool has never met Lucifer or committed an act of Treachery. So why am I crying at six in the morning? Hell! It should have been four, but whatever, Lunalesca. Anyway, the first thought on my mind wasn’t Virgil sleeping next to me but my lost Braxton. Not a day goes by where I don’t replay how Braxton died, Lu. Right now, it’s that scene from Angel “A Hole in the World” S5.E15. Wesley, Winfred! Only as the song goes, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” or God, whatever. I would sacrifice the whole world; I would lose my soul; anything that could have saved my boy’s life. But there was nothing but an easy death. A murder Lunalesca.

“I’m not scared. I’m not scared. I’m not scared. Please, (Daddy). Why can’t I stay?” A Hole in the World

Not by the vets but by thy own hand. The worse day of this entire existence. Speaking of which, next to Braxton’s dying day is E-Day. To be 38? How did I spend last night? Virgil and I lied here under one of two fans in the house. In case you’re wondering, I carried him out into the cool air at five, which is much better than being here with me. He needed a bathroom break. After, I had to beg him to take food and water. He’s alone now. But all night, he cuddled close to me as if to say, “I know you can save us.” At the price of a few thousand or more… No, I can’t. But getting out of bed?

If I go anywhere today, it will be to get him a fan or some sort of small AC for his room. V comes before me. Yeah, like B, these batteries, or any set of bazongas that’ll have me, Lu. I can’t look forward to any of those for E-Day, huh? No girl can abide in this heat, I know. If a man wants an angel, he must make a Heaven for her. Unless you’re Jacob, who had two fallen angels and his Ariel. The things I wasted money on at the expense of fans. Braxton, Virgil. And now that the shit has hit the fan… I really need a new one. Dante had Beatrice and Virgil cheering him on. Myself? B, V, Are Fans.

580 Days Without B III, Day 021 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 057 ~ V’s No Grade B~

First class grade A… now, I know that doesn’t sound like me. A loser? B didn’t think so. See, I should stop saying it. Destroying myself writing things like this. Fury has no other outlet, though. V’s been here 14 days, and I’m failing V’s No Grade B

Saturday, August 27, 2022

Saga 057 ~ V’s No Grade B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I couldn’t care less how that makes me look as a human being. An asshole?

Can’t say I know the wealthy, well-off, or wantonly wasteful people in this existence, ok? As is becoming routine, my son. B III is priceless. Only do I treat him as such? Even with my memories of him? There haven’t been many this week. And dare I imagine why Lu. Now I won’t compare V to B, Lady Lunalesca. We’re two weeks in Lu, and I still don’t know who I’m talking to. Oh, and fuck you, Hemingway! I was saying that a lot yesterday. Anyway, at least Virgil isn’t hacking quite as much. If there is anything, I don’t need more of… FEAR. Could I afford a doctor for Little V? I couldn’t afford one for myself. Being honest. My health grade… a D.

Must I always be thinking with my dick? Hell! I already failed this week, Lunalesca. Inevitable, was it not? But besides being horny, there’s been the heat and this hatred. These days if it hasn’t been watching for the next person to fuck me over… I make myself sound oppressed, the ideal Republican. Or what the GOP thinks about a guy like me, Lunalesca. I don’t mean to get all political today. As usual, I’m too busy being a selfish bastard to worry about the rest of the world outside. I’m tired, fucking exhausted, Luna. Ask me why I’m sitting at the dining room table again today. Besides the A/C… I paid for it and have cut it off. Waking up, an A for anger.

And after dicking around for an hour… it’s 5:50 in the morning now. I have witnessed how much of a failure I am as a human being. An F for Friday and another now, and the day has yet to begin. I’m hoping my “father” forgot about me but did that work at all Friday? So what’s the plan for today? Finances, I doubt I have time for furries, Virgil being the exception. Not that I could buy him anything even if I wanted to. Oh, next week is fucked. Anything to start putting some funds back, the pittance they are. Is writing fun? But over the next week, all there will be is FURY. My sons are better men. Virgil… V’s No Grade B

573 Days Without B III, Day 014 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 050 ~A B V Conversation~

When B was alive, besides his aunt, I only talked to the people I needed to. And that was for him. The groomer, vet, stores, crappy Day Job, etc. Now it’s been a week, and I’m teaching Virgil his name. He’ll need other people too. A B V Conversation.

Saturday, August 20, 2022

Saga 050 ~A B V Conversation~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how did I get started? I think THEY say every day is a new beginning.

I’ve faced a few this week. First time saying goodbye to a new furry kid. I got mad at him last night for stealing a chicken bone. How to start punishments? Virgil didn’t know. Such is my Republican tendency to punish someone who didn’t know. Of course, I’m the guiltiest by far. And not only for my laziness. As always, I want to fall back to sleep Lady Lunalesca. I’ve been thinking a lot about going to see a doctor. I know I’m sick. Nope, not COVID ill, but I’ve been fucked up for months. And not just from crying over Braxton. Hell! These days there have been plenty of tears and how I haven’t drowned yet is beyond me. Sweating and other things, dammit!

I haven’t made “The Long Walk” to the back of PetSmart since I picked up what remained of my son. It’s surreal, Lady Lunalesca. Braxton’s ashes rest on the nightstand. And on the same side, I have little Virgil breathing beside me. It’s been one whole week with him, ok? The voices continue to shout, “send him back, send him back.” A psychiatrist too, Lu? How about a priest while I’m at it? Someone to talk to that offers any type of relief, release, or rapture. Which reminds me, what about B’s aunt, since I’m no longer looking for new “best friends.” I’m in the process of teaching Virgil his own name. His middle name? There’s still no movement on that front. Running in place.

The only thing that might get me out of this bed is the promise of nachos. Since finishing the Succubus Lord series, I’ve had a craving. Oh, and for sex too. I broke on Thursday. Yeah, M Anime’s birthday. I wonder why… I’m sure I’ll be telling Lucifer someday, right? But for now, where am I going? My words are falling on deaf ears. That’s not me complaining about being a writer. What was I doing all yesterday? It wasn’t much of that at all, honest. And what will I be doing today? I have to go somewhere, and Virgil is trying for sure. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’m broke. What does that matter when having A B V Conversation?

566 Days Without B III, Day 007 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Episode 085 ~Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust~

Too many sad friends to give into my misery, and trying to start this new week out of bed if I’m lucky but waiting to go to work and then after, my dose of the rage virus it seems, Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Episode 085 ~Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust~

Fifty-First Rule Madam Justice

How to make One Million Dollars, I wish those ideas came as fast as things I’m mad at or how quickly I get hard, though I didn’t wake up with Morning Wood, no I woke up angry that every other part of me had to get up. I read somewhere that couples shouldn’t go to bed angry, and most nights I’m not sure how I feel, though I usually tell myself stories, I go over games in my head, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time maybe Detroit: Become Human.

Back when I had a full-time school schedule, though I remember a pretty girl here, or there it is the rage I embraced the most, and now, hell I can be angry that I don’t have time for gaming, the money for it, that I don’t have a pretty girl like North, Kara, or Chloe. I’m mad that already I feel sick and what did I do wrong, I woke up right when I wanted to, ate breakfast, I’m even talking to you this morning so why should I be in pain. How about the fact that I can’t have hope, no I’m afraid which only means I need more anger to fuel me because when I get to the day job, what happens then?

Wouldn’t indifference be worse, I either want your head on a stick or your head on a… yeah it’s easier to talk about hate as always, people more often than not prefer my misery and they want it with me smiling. Me and my dumbass smile, THIS I CANNOT DO (anymore) I mean, so either I’m a pervert, a psycho, but never a person and strangely enough that makes me mad because do I honestly want to be like any person I know nowadays. Everyone I like is suffering, the man I am, I still hate, which goes perfectly with hating the majority of human beings so yes indeed I enjoy looking at beautiful things.

The Beautiful People, maybe that’s why I want anger because I want to feel something other than anything to be ashamed of right; being mad makes me damn well normal but pictures of bodies one way or another gets you kicked off Pinterest but not today. For now, I’m angry that this day isn’t going as planned but I am in more control dear Madam Justice, surprisingly this rage and Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 078 ~Find People Worth Suffering For~

Today’s word is ow, I should probably say sin, sacrifice, and suffering but yes pain encompasses all that, and I’m not suffering for anyone but me and who the Hell am I honestly? Find People Worth Suffering For

Monday, September 17, 2018

Episode 078 ~Find People Worth Suffering For~

Fiftieth Rule Madam Justice

How to make One Million Dollars, or is he, she, or it worth that much honestly but haven’t we already covered my little boy with Rule Twenty-Four Be Who My Dog Deserves, which was also Lesson 261 I’m just saying.

Now sure I want plenty of things and there was a time I spent afternoons at the track for horse racing, and then I fell into Blackjack, Poker is a bit more complicated but speaking of which I’m sure I’ve told you about the Blackjack Scale I use when it comes to people… Anyway this morning I was thinking about The Purge and The V Games from “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K Webster, and it’s a tossup between what I would do to protect another person over what I would do for let’s say revenge. Either way, people bring about sin, sacrifice, and yes suffering and while I would go through Hell for a laugh what would I do for another’s happiness, in the end, be the joke *sigh*?

I look back at some of my poetry, and I can see that while in one way I so wish to honor women, I do the exact opposite, but still, those words were hours off my life, things better left unsaid perhaps but women are always talking about a man’s time. Hell Madam Justice, the time I have spent doing things this morning, I’m not proud of, but like most of my gender I am an idiot and believe you me every day I’m Hustlin’. Nah the keyword is suffering.

So what makes a person worth suffering for; as I clued in “Indiana Gone” a friend is a girl you haven’t slept with yet or a guy willing to throw punches in your defense and as always I’ve avoided doing any fighting. Hatred is suffering, but so is love, so the real question is which hurts more, and I answer love but what person do I love, does need even count, I hope not. If I’m breaking this rule by not searching for somebody to like, is there anyone out there looking for me, and I’m sure the Christians would say Jesus, but you do know you’re talking to someone skilled in all manners of Torture Methodology Dear Madam Justice.

Of course, I have no problem finding people to hate, but that fire, while it burns, is but a candle for today because what will I be doing after this… suffering still especially if I plan on going to the movies tonight; what might happen, Find People Worth Suffering For

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

Last week it was getting out of bed, and this week it was getting behind the wheel, and there is no time for baby steps, I’ve run like a madman for most of my life, and I would take an “ACME” rocket despite the consequences. “Getting Behind The Will”

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to not turn around other than my past, because to quote another song; my future is coming on, and as fast as I might run I am in no hurry to go and catch it. You know how all these motivational studies of mine talk about purpose and why, like learning how to drive I just wanted to go faster, I need to escape, if anything I want to know a place where I will never be afraid.

The thing is Lady Luna there is no such place and not to sound like Trump or anything but as long as there’s air, no wonder the man wants to destroy the planet, my aunt said I wanted the same thing, but I saw no profit in it. There are days when I think that people can be okay and days when I believe a psychopath, a plague or purge is what the doctor ordered like yesterday, Master Yoda is right. Between being in line at Starbucks, driving, and Walmart, the one thing that was constant was the fear and rage threatening to swallow me.

“Behind every fear is a person you want to be. Fear is self-imposed, meaning it doesn’t exist. You create it. You can destroy it too. You face your fears and become the person you want to be. You run from your fears; you’re not living.” Greg Plitt 1977 – 2015

What a monster I must be not to want to go forward and face myself and what a coward I am for not wanting to turn around, but this isn’t a conversation for us, “I just want to know why” as the song goes. I could go on forever and a day about fear and my rage, again driving my car or getting to the library late, anxiety and Z Nation, what was that I said about a plague? All I know was yesterday I was in my car, listening to my affirmations and somebody started honking at me and first came fear, then “GTA Motherf*****” in less than a minute and change.

I’m not selfish enough, you heard me right, my life is spent learning about everything in this world so I might survive it and I don’t know anything about the survivor, the Man In The Mirror, the man behind the wheel, or before the keyboard. There are so many mirrors in a car, and I only need to avoid one, the vanity, the rest are showing me what to evade, I drive to the library to see who I might be, the day-job to know who I hate, just saying.

You know what they have in common, they keep me from being stuck but aren’t I always, what hurts more the mirror, the reflection in my dog’s eyes knowing he feels such love (wishful thinking) I hear that man say come and Find Me. That man might Hurt Somebody, yes I know “The Darkest Minds” which was perhaps the highlight of my week, maybe one day taking a Drive won’t be an escape until then Lu, Getting Behind The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 027 ~Tell Me Your Will~

Heads up, it’s danger ahead, or I’m fighting back my anxiety, and before all of that I need to get out of bed, and people always said that I had a big head, because I’m so full of ideas and I have to breathe right? Tell Me Your Will

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Episode 027 ~Tell Me Your Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to stay here, and I’ll find sixty or more reasons to get up, honestly, where has Spotify been All My Life… well at least something is getting up in the morning more often than not. I don’t remember the last time the rest of me got up and wasn’t tired, tipsy, or terrified but I had a bit of a revelation thanks to a motivational speech by Will Smith, and he said something to the tune of, the higher up you are, the harder it is to breathe.

Now for me it starts with getting out of bed, lifting my head up is hard enough, one foot in front of the other, and God help me when I have to go outside, that first breath feels like it just won’t come and more often than not I don’t want it honestly. While I’m thinking about God that’s just the thing, people downright demand those that are poor help those at the top, and at the top, if you must give, then it is God’s will but the higher you are, the fewer people above you. What about when it comes to women, confidence right, that starts with lifting your head up, keeping your chin and honestly Lady Lu it hurts, it physically hurts because I haven’t done it in such a long time.

“I’m sick of taking care of everything, paying bills, making peace and plans and keeping my chin up. God, I am so sick of my chin being up.” Angel 04×02

So yesterday I was sick of listening to people, saying I should stand shoulder to shoulder my head held high. Authors are telling me I should keep my head in their books, having to turn side to side, out of this constant fear. No more looking up to people; okay I know I look up to Will Smith, and I won’t be giving up the motivational speeches anytime soon but no more looking down on people either or letting fear take hold of me. If I am to die it will be because I’m at the top of the mountain almost out of breath than staying down here getting dizzy for want of my survival.

That sounded a bit more hopeful than I was thinking today and wasn’t it yesterday I was talking about people are always chatting no matter what but if you climb the mountain the ones I hate won’t be heard and the others, well who knows but it would be nice to see. It all starts with me and the man in the mirror that I need to face, I need to tell him what I want because nobody else is going to give it to me. “Indiana Gone” looked up and now she’s getting married so congratulations to her, but as for me and “Mr. I Don’t Feel Like It,” *sigh* Tell Me Your Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

People face many things throughout their day, but the worst one for me is people, and today I’ll have to do just that or not since I’ll have to check bathrooms and fitting rooms and it’s my business to make money. “To Defeat The Huns.”

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

Hey Lady Lu,

Give Me One Reason to face the Huns, and no mine name’s not Mulan, though I could certainly use her courage, training, and luck; how I ask Luck Be A Lady tonight or at least for six hours. I can’t say I’ve been one for gambling, horse racing maybe but I trust those animals more than a majority of HUMANITY, and I can give you one big reason for that Lady Lu.

… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

HUMILIATION Lady Lu is arguably my greatest fear, the foundation of my anxiety and you can’t call it irrational if it comes to pass as it did the last time I was assigned to “CLEAN” and I know it sounds STUPID. No it all comes down to looking so stupid, and you know how such a concept sets me off, believing, being, and saying; may God show mercy on the soul that calls me such or makes me feel it. Too bad I don’t believe in God right because I’m my own worst enemy *sigh* people have an imaginary friend they worry about but I can’t stand thinking or knowing how everyone looks at me.

HUNGER is one big motivation to face the humiliation, my dog has to eat, and if I split my paycheck by three (bills, blog, belly) last week, I made a whole five bucks and then the fact that I’m in the library nearly every day writing “trying to make something of myself. HULKING out because I lack discipline, or I’m so afraid as Yoda says, and when’s the last time I let my anger get the best of me, strange that I was ready to go off on somebody and now they’re nowhere around me. HURTING myself on the daily in one form because of everything but at least I’ve stopped popping myself with a rubber band as I was doing it so much I would more than likely decapitate my hand from my wrist.

HUMOR has not been a strong suit of mine, though being laughed at brings a HURRAH from everybody else; yes I know this is about me and I can’t help the fact that even now I want to call into work and HUSH for the rest of the day. Anything Lady Lu beats the idea of humiliation, and I’m in for a world of that and what will I do, so let’s get down to business To Defeat The Huns.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

I don’t have to be up you know, Lesson 001 was about the things that kept me awake, and here we are now, and all I want to do is sleep, maybe that prevents me from making the same mistakes but isn’t that life too? “Ode To My Bed.”

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Lesson 252 ~Ode To My Bed~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I don’t have bad dreams, there’s no monster under the bed, and in the court of public opinion, I am the boogeyman; I should also say I might save money redoing my bedroom. Hell I named you after the moon Luna, I spend money or pills and energy drinks to rev me up so I can crash, I haven’t made my bed in ages, and it seems to me I love my bed so much that I want to build another room.

These days all my money goes into “bedroom attire” for a friend, I used the Walmart Pick-Up just so I can come back here quicker, and with my current bank account, it’s not like I can go out. Think about the places I go, the movies are dark, and people aren’t supposed to talk, the library which is another quiet place, and speaking of which I have been too lazy to check out my local library recently. A bookstore so I can fill my head with more stories, then again don’t I have Amazon, and what book aren’t I reading this week, ask Lady Sophia.

This moment is one of those times I wish I could blame society, more bullets, more death, some men just want to watch the world burn and my aunt who died some years back said I wanted to destroy the world; call me a Trump supporter because I want to profit. You could say that it’s my Depression, the place I work, everything that went down with “Okay,” worries about life and that would make perfect sense, why I sleep all the time. It could be the fact that even for not giving a shit about people face to face, I care too much, I unsubscribed from so many stores but how many petitions have I signed, how many contacts have I talked to, friends can be exhausting, and I dare to ask for love.

Wee Little Puppy Man is asleep at my feet, and even when he goes out it’s to bring the ruckus, bring the noise, and how about all my playlists of late, almost like a drug. So if I have learned anything today, I should look up the definition of an ode. I need to find something I love as much as my dog and my bed, and honestly, I want to see how it all ends, even if it’s just the rain outside, before the bombs, Ode To My Bed.

I Will Have No Fear