Tag: Trouble

Gospel 215 ~Act From Desire Not Insecurity~

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I don’t know why I’m writing this or if it’ll make sense; after what happened Sunday. I don’t know. Hope for the best, plan for the Worst. In my universe, that means one thing… my son, and the things I may have decided. Act From Desire Not Insecurity

Monday, February 1, 2021

Gospel 215 ~Act From Desire Not Insecurity~

Hundred And Seventy-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but tell me I still have a son? Madam Justice, this is not the time to be looking towards the future, and yet here I am. What I think of him, do for him, are not desires but necessities. I want him to live, yes you could call that a desire. It’s the word LIVE that we should focus on, though. What about Insecurity? No, let’s call it what it is, Fear. What might happen or has? Yes, there is or was Fear, the wonders of time-travel. Anyway, in helping him in one way or another, I do it, no hesitation, Justice.

I could tell you so many things that get me up in the morning. You can take my Day Job as an example. I have no desire to go, but why do I act? There’s a yawn from my son as I lie here. Do I see it today, or is it but a memory? I get so insecure when it comes to my job. Should I change the rule? It is not desire nor any fear. Again it is a necessity. I’m not much for singing, but I will tell you what’s on my mind. As Disney puts it, The Bare Necessities. Um, maybe more to the tune of, it’s too hard living, but I’m afraid to die, Sam Cooke. Madam Justice, out of anyone in this world, it is my son. I don’t care about my life. Hell, tomorrow I’m supposed to talk to Dear Future Wife. What drives me now? Right now, this Saturday is the little ball of fluff lying here fading away, struggling to remain.

I wonder what drives him? He has learned too much from his old man; he knows Fear. Is it over his body? He may not take it that far, and he’s only thinking about jumping off the bed. I want to believe it is his desire not to leave me. How will another replace him?
Never, all I know is I want him here, and no Fear will stop me if I must lie beside him as he departs. I can’t see the future, so who knows if any of this will make sense in a day. I Will him to live, but I desire no more pain for him.

Whatever I do or did… Act From Desire Not Insecurity.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 208 ~Collective Madness Is Called Sanity~

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Monday; Thursday at the time of this writing, and I’m still scared to death. In a way, that makes me part of the majority. How many people have sped, hit a dog, who’s been inside a cell? Three separate incidents. “Collective Madness Is Called Sanity”

Monday, January 25, 2021

Gospel 208 ~Collective Madness Is Called Sanity~

Hundred And Seventy-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I must be insane. Well, indeed, I am not the only one to believe in time-travel. So I can’t give myself too much credit. Only here we are on a Thursday, and I want to talk to you right now. Yeah, it’s more like I’m scared. Is it because I agree with everyone else about a particular subject? True enough, but I might be making myself sick over nothing. Either way, the guilt… Dare I say it’s real? How do THEY say, choosing between what you feel and what’s real, right?

PARANOIA! Madam Justice has taken the place of Depression, Anxiety, and, let’s say, any “Joy-Joy Feelings.” I’m the one who looked out the window earlier because I heard voices near my door. I’m lying here relishing the concept that if it gets “real,” who’ll witness? Dammit, don’t let them hurt my Dæmon. Who and for what? That’s why it won’t go away because I won’t face it. Wasn’t it Dale Carnegie who wrote about accepting the worse outcome? Yeah, I haven’t done that exceptionally well. I can’t, Madam Justice, never. Believing such a prospect is too much. Like when I got that speeding ticket and thought I would instead kill myself than tell my Old Man. There was the time I hit that dog… instead, the dog slammed my car door (again with speeding). Oh, my time in Juvenile Detention.

Everyone agrees that getting speeding tickets is wrong. Still, who would go out shopping for sleeping pills or would turn to rob their relatives. I embraced both, of course, and now I can get proper drugs. I have other methods available. I must be insane. However, I thought I was normal when I was driving and then, bam with that dog. I was a dog killer. Mom and daughter could have found my Olds; they could have called the cops. Only the dog lived but again with the memory of what I’d done that afternoon. While I sat in the day room in the detention center after my Olds begged for my release. I won’t do that again, Madam Justice. As much as I hate my “father,” I can’t do that. Yet I agree that what I’ve done or might have is madness, everyone says.

Living this way is crazy. The Paranoia won’t go away. Collective Madness Is Called Sanity

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 201 ~Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken~

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I said love hurts, and yeah, lust does as well, but it’s pretty fun too. Though, I’m not having any. In fact, I’m scared to death. Some people live to eat; others eat to live. I only write, and what else is there? Legs Breasts, There’s Always Chicken

Monday, January 18, 2021

Gospel 201 ~Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken~

Hundred And Seventy-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so oh god, OH GOD, what have I done!!! Why did I not take this rule to heart? It was inspired by my son, my Dæmon. I should turn to Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. When’s the last time I felt so bad? Well, in “modern history?” I would say when I read something from the “Basic Bitch.” Before that getting called into the office at the Day Job. There was that time in junior college. What about my stint in juvenile hall? Trumptards are scared and running.

Not that I’m one of them. Hell, at times, I’m um worse, and I can’t even tell you how horrible. If anything, I’m hoping that I’m here with you to read this in a week. For the moment, I’m time traveling. You know what I said wakes me up every morning, but Fear, yeah, works. Now, as I state in rule #15, “I Take My Own Lumps.” It means I take the hit I don’t make excuses. If I’m guilty, so I am. The thing is, I don’t even know if I am. There’s a difference between thinking and actions, and no, I’m not trying to be all motivational now.

Okay, usually I save confessions for Inspector Echo, but she waits till Wednesday. How about other cops? Well, I’m a thief, for starters. You know all those artists I have yet to pay and the ones I have paid? Well, I found a place where I did a bit of an art heist, not all. Oh, you know I’ve been stealing pictures and videos ever since I discovered, um, the (H-Word). I blame Tenchi Muyo, but I gave my Olds computer a virus many years ago. Yeah, I couldn’t hide that, but I have lied about being a better man. Doesn’t that affect only me, hmm? Today, no, not with my Dæmon. I swore to always be here for him. It’s him and me until the end. It wouldn’t be a crime to leave him but committing one leaves me no choice for sure, Justice.

He likes eating, and I like… well as the song goes, I hear you singing, “I know what boys like I know what guys want.” Much ado about nothing, hopefully.

For release Madam Justice, I stumbled down the rabbit hole… Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 355 ~Will Earns His Stripes~

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So what did I do this week… if anything, it wasn’t better. I slept most of the week away, dreaming about what I did wrong to yet another friend. I didn’t publish my story again. I didn’t go to jail, so yay. Will Earns His Stripes.

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Log 355 ~Will Earns His Stripes~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so why am I still here? Directly where I was last week only older, ornerier, and having an orgy with my past misdeeds. For the record, I AM A BLACK MAN. I’m also a sadist, a writer of “erotica,” a would-be pornographer, and a pimp ha.

Let’s focus on me being a Black Man, but many African Americans would disapprove. You know, Lady Luna, for the past week, my focus has been on “The Nine.” Of those nine women, two were minorities, one woman was Mixed, and the second was Latina. One of them informed higher-up, the other asked me to leave her alone, and I did so. You can call me toxic when it came to The D because I didn’t stop when asked. Granted, that was my fault in college (COUGH) junior college. That leaves five; with The Harmonic War, I didn’t want anything but to piss her off to my forever shame. The Basic Bitch slammed me for my bullshit, “pardon my French.” Now, that leaves only four, Okay, Rainbow Girl, Cherry, and MILF Dos. Keeping track, hmm?

So what’s my point? Of nine, seven were white women, and I had an epiphany with all the racial concepts circulating. Now, this might be me only attempting to skirt the blame. The thing is I always figured these women ran off because of who I am as a man. I understand that, no question. Hell Indiana Gone is the only woman that wouldn’t judge me for Of Inner Demons. I don’t say that about her being a black woman but one of my own heart. Anyway, I would accept it if these, (gulp) white women found me ugly. I still haven’t body issues about myself, especially with my teeth.

No Lady Luna, the thought I had was this… I AM A BLACK MAN. How dare I am I right? My Lady, I am not an African American male living his life for some white lady to call the cops quickly. Every damn time, I know I’ve done something wrong, but what? I asked out the Rainbow Girl, posted a Pokémon, or a song lyric and blocked. I showed Cherry my work, and she knew it was about her beforehand, so silence. I offered a deal and a hello to MILF Dos and blocked again.

A black man in a cell, Will Earns His Stripes.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 108 ~Meet The Complacent Will~

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I’m okay, no more and no less, I survive one more day, and I think… yeah right, on to the next one and soon it doesn’t hurt so much, dare I say there is a little less fear after a while? Meet The Complacent Will

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Episode 108 ~Meet The Complacent Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t go to therapy; you think my job pays me enough for health insurance? Stay awake maybe, well look at me today, and eat healthy, again look at where I work. The thing is I still work there, so does Dumb and Dumber and as far as Dumbest, I could be way off the mark, but I haven’t seen him since last week, could I possibly be so lucky… highly doubtful, PCH hasn’t shown up with my big check as such.

That’s my first sin, but even you ask though you are way smarter than Rudy Giuliani. Can hope be a sin, I said yesterday I pray for my dog though I don’t believe in any deity. Every day I plan for the best, and I woke up in my drool, and I wanted to see a black man fall. My second sin is that this makes me as normal as anybody else, I remember when America learned Osama Bin Laden got put down and there was such celebration. Sure he was a killer but are we not better? I know a young woman who took a bullet and another woman who is a dear friend who got robbed, and neither has seen their assailants brought to justice, this world can be better. This leads me to my third sin, it’s people that make this world what it is, and another coworker asked me about my job and if I go through so much crap, hell like my boss, why don’t I leave, and that’s the magic word for today Inspector Echo, COMPLACENCY, I am complacent.

My fourth sin is that I’m willing to accept it, all last week and now this week it’s been; please let me keep my job, no fear Inspector, as I have said the fight does not bother me it’s what I’ll have to do. That’s five, the fact that I have returned to my normal state which is no damn good, wake up, go to work, come back and pass out, then talk to you or any of the girls about making a million dollars all so I can speak with actual girls. Even in that, I have become quite complacent maybe I’m that damn greedy, or perhaps I’m a pervert but if I counted that as a sin every single week I’m screwed right…

So what’s my plan for tomorrow, I could be wrong of course about the situation, and that means, the sixth sin for today. I am going to worry tonight, and the man I want to be should focus on making the world, well my world a better place; I want to be like Dennis Hof may he rest in peace. Will you forgive me Inspector Echo for wishing to see another person fall (nevermind). I apologize for being, well human. For accepting this life in its ways, for not “trying” harder, and for another night of worry. Hell for those five minutes I remembered someone else that threatened to ruin me, but I Ain’t Happy but Meet The Complacent Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 101 ~Will Quake With Fear~

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I’m not afraid of the giant, and I will not fear the rage, but like most Americans, I fear to lose my job and why would I… this land is full of bullies, and while I believe survivors when it comes to “my people” *sigh*. Will Quake With Fear

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Episode 101 ~Will Quake With Fear~

“All human wisdom is contained in these two words – Wait and Hope” Alexandre Dumas

Forgive Me Echo,
How to make One Million Dollars, well I know you don’t burn down the beanstalk, hell I wanted to fight the giant, and in that rage and fire, I may lose the treasure and so much for buying any more beans, magic or otherwise. Fee-fi-fo-fum what a giant. That’s one more sin because I’m not a great judge of character. The giant was Dumb. Dumber was a bit shorter. The one around my size was Dumbest. The smallest dogs have the loudest bark am I right Echo?

Am I yearning to return to high school, my second sin of this week is I’m going to repeat a lesson in philosophy *ahem* the best thing in the world is to be loved, barring that they like you, no good, be respected, not happening, be invisible, but people joke… then be feared. It took me four years, by my senior year I may be small, skinny, quietest award winner but I was also the one that would F* you up, third sin Inspector Echo, my language, I only like to use that word when it comes to sex. Now is not the time though, I’ll tell you about the story of “four” another day, but my forth sin is I don’t have time, I might get fired tomorrow and what would I be… Wise, Wicked, Warrior, Will, the man I was ready to fight for, still can’t believe it.

I’ve already covered this in two statements at work but okay my fifth sin and possibly my gravest… Tuesday morning I was at work walking the receiving line, Dumb who I have promoted to Dumbest was as well, he wouldn’t move and neither would I and we collided. So I’m not backing down, he threatens, I stand my ground, we let it go. Later on, I bump him, it was an accident this time around, but still, he threatens, again I hold my ground and the manager breaks us up; well I’m a reasonable human being or a scared one maybe. Not afraid of cutting off his balls but This Is America, so I reported it, should I count snitching as a sin or the thought of how I would have brought that giant down, I’m not sorry for standing.

No my sixth sin for the finale is that I always live in fear, when I was a kid it was my grades, when it was money, waiting to be caught stealing, and let’s not forget November the 5th, the worse trouble I’ve had at the day job, and Here I Go Again. So will you forgive me Inspector Echo for not recognizing true threats, for repeating a lesson, for swearing, also this lack of time; shall I be forgiven for the inevitable but most importantly of all the fear because for one more night I Will Quake With Fear.

“Hope strengthens. Fear kills” Fever

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 080 ~Judas Owes Will Silver~

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Am I not worthy of the gold, I am but there is so much work, I should probably get into my motivational listening again and fill like a winner or worse the one who is cheating myself out of everything? Judas Owes Will Silver.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Episode 080 ~Judas Owes Will Silver~

Forgive Me Echo,
How to make One Million Dollars out of silver and I did attempt to look that up, and then I got somewhat depressed, but you would figure this is something I should know considering I’m always second place. Not a current sin Inspector Echo, back when I was in middle school, I had this “friend” a football jock, son of a preacher man, black kid, and we would always play Mario Kart… he would win consistently or would I let him win?

“Okay,” asked me once do I fear success and when it comes to my writing or getting her into bed the answer is no, I’m lazy pretty much, considering we’re talking now and not two and a half hours ago. I was playing The Walking Dead No Man’s Land, and it’s all about getting more stars than the other guy, I wish I had such a killer instinct a long time ago because I’m grinding wanting to win. My biggest sin though today and perhaps this whole week, hell a few months is why am I not “trying” harder, how I hate that word, and I’m not going to go all Star Wars right now.

You see the person I am guilty of betraying here is myself; I won’t go all religious either since I never swore allegiance to any god… okay, once but I worked in a Christian bookstore and went through a good book phase. I mostly settle for second circle sins (guess I am going a bit religious) LUST for those paying attention and I end up committing ninth circle atrocities, that’s TREACHERY, can you tell I lived in an AME household? Now I could talk about SLOTH which is one of the seven deadly sins but honestly, there was a sin with silver that frankly shows the beast I am, most of my best work this week is slain by it.

Should I be more specific… I could but I won’t which again shows my shame so if I’m adding them all up, the willingness to remain second because of friends, laziness, and indeed lust as well, at least Judas got paid to betray the son of God. May you forgive me my Inspector Echo, for being weighed down my thirty pieces of silver, well one hundred and ten if you count the downloads Monday, and still I want more but you only get that by striving to be no.1, but *sigh* Judas Owes Will Silver.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 071 ~Everyone Will Hurt You Someday~

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I don’t want to hurt you, but everyone makes it so damn tempting that it’s hard not to want to partake, why can’t Trump sign off The Purge, considering everything else he does but no I suffer in silence? Everyone Will Hurt You Someday.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Episode 071 ~Everyone Will Hurt You Someday~

Forty-Ninth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to deny this, people are a pain, so is life and love, and I don’t mean to sound so bitter right out the gate but honestly, the fact that I’m not in jail (for putting someone in the morgue this time) is truly beyond me. So who hurt me today; Madam Justice I’m a believer in “Black Lives Matter,” but there are reasons I don’t date black women, why I don’t have any guy friends besides the dog, black people *sigh*.

“You mock my pain.”

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” ― The Princess Bride (1987)

I told “Indiana Gone” today that if I were a white man after today’s events at my day job, well then give me a polo shirt and a Tiki Torch and I would be out there marching I mean dammit don’t we all have the right to live? Maybe it’s the fact that these people aren’t worth suffering for and that’s all there would be, in fear, in rage, and most of all in truth and that’s what hurts most of all. My entire life is spent suffering for others, and then when it comes to love well that makes everything seem pale in comparison, it makes it worthwhile and while I love my boy like pancakes this pain I have from these fucking people…

“truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

Rule 49 is, of course, a two-part rule, but to know that people will hurt you, to understand it as if people have ever attempted to appreciate me; you know I always say someday, but here I am hurt today, humiliated, hate personified by the very race that cries justice. No Madam Justice that’s what I demand, a white co-worker asked me a week ago ‘can black people be racists” and I told him “of course” but compared to his race it’s a drop in the bucket but the thing is in my thirty-four years of life I have more reason to hate black people than white. I’ve been spit on once, fired probably twice but by my people, terrorized, beat up, rejected, abused, and nearly killed and am I a racists Madam Justice, or sexist for that matter, women?

“… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (Goodreads)

I’m a sadist Madam Justice, though I should probably save that for Inspector Echo and Dirty Diana only it’s a little bit funny that when I do hurt people, it’s those I have no beef with, and I never harm animals, okay I smash bugs, nobody’s perfect. I’m scared that one day I will find someone who loves me and I’ll want to put them through Hell if only to understand why but these people today… I hate them so much that they ain’t worth my time to hurt but Everyone Will Hurt You Someday.

“From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again… I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can’t breath. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating… hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me… what can I do?- I will do anything you ask.”

“… if you are suffering as much as I am, PLEASE, tell me.” ― Anakin Skywalker

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 069 ~Well Will Wasn’t Lit~

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I’ve never been one for burning books… well except if those books happen to have my name on them, or from a blog here or there but as you can probably see I haven’t been on fire lately anyway. “Well Will Wasn’t Lit”

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Episode 069 ~Well Will Wasn’t Lit~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason other than they burn books at 451 degrees, that we shouldn’t say goodbye to Summer just yet or that I haven’t made a wish on a star forever, so why on Earth would I need candles? This whole week, I’ve expected squad lights, an interrogation room, I’ve seen the sun in the sky and the light reflected on nickels and dimes, cash burning a hole in my pocket, while I’ve watched others lights vanish into Hellfire itself easily.

Can we at least agree that the cops aren’t looking for me? With as many as I’ve seen… probably not without a healthy dose of Electroconvulsive Therapy (yes I looked that up). Maybe one good release but I’m back on NO FAP. Should I get back to writing then and be warmed by my fire… probably not today, a man has to eat and while I would prefer another type of Cherry Pie than what I had on “The Day” well DoorDash is enlightening. Speaking of which I’m sure you’re interested how “The Day” turned out and I would say that I’ve seen the light, but you know how I tend to repeat history and so I didn’t need it to know *sigh* That’s How You Know you f***** up.

Should a person get more responses than the age facing them, that would be thirty-four, besides “Indiana Gone,” “Okay,” my immediate family (that’s three) Pizza Hut, and OKC, nobody knew, seven messages and I made sure the Ranches down in Nevada didn’t know. I didn’t need anyone trying to make a buck off of me, but again DoorDash did, and I regret that because I didn’t want to get off my lazy butt for McDonald’s and I’m out fifteen dollars. “Indiana Gone” did pay me back a lot plus another fifty for “The Day” but all that’s going towards Project Alamo, seriously I’m still Alive, how and why, inquiring minds?

So is there a silver lining other than my beard in the bathroom lights, what about some light at the end of the road, and am I not on the Highway To Hell which is the only light that remains constant in this life? Who knows what I will find in the blaze that seeks to swallow me. In All The Stars which have existed much longer than I can ever remember. But, so you know, Well Will Wasn’t Lit.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 067 ~Will A Bit Longer~

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I tell you one day I’ll get over this, no not the “The Day” that haunts me as long as I live but getting over being afraid of Pinterest which I should perhaps add to my list of dirty words and not in a fun way. Will A Bit Longer.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Episode 067 ~Will A Bit Longer~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason, other than I haven’t found forever, hell I’m not sure I even want it, again at this stage in the game I only want to be Dennis Hof but still, I am a traditionalist, on the eve of thirty-four and I do want that “nuclear family.” A conversation better suited for the Future Wife but any wife of mine should know what it’s like to have her hands tied up and how I wish I could do the same to Time itself.

“Synchronize your watches.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“I don’t have a watch.”

“Time is a construct.” (TAG)

We never know how much time we got right Dirty Diana, and how often do they say live every moment, every breath, hell every word as your last, and we don’t, do we because we’re afraid of being labeled skeevy, perverts, sluts, whores, cum dumpsters *sigh* dirty talk. You can call a girl by her name and be labeled a stalker, a fuckboy, a creeper; focused, that’s my problem, I don’t hide in trash cans, work schedules, addresses, I’m more like, put her in my next book, keep my hands off of her but on pen and paper or my keyboard. I still believe I dug my own grave yesterday telling the truth, hell Alycia, Alicia, Alicia, or Alexa, Alexa, Alexa, one got me into trouble because she’s brunette, the other’s not black enough, another animated, one I wanted to know her name, I’m a fan of Amazon, and the WWE, my sweet buttery Jesus.

Maybe Rumpelstiltskin had the right idea hiding his name, 1984 with Newspeak, Fahrenheit 451 destroying books; women talk about periods, and it scares men to death, “Cherry” fashions herself a modern-day Lolita (she’s 21), Liv Morgan calls herself a juvenile delinquent (WWE), then there’s the whole DDLG/DDMG scene in BDSM. I do much worse Diana, what about the book Ravishment: The Dark Side of Erotic Fantasy by Desmond Ravenstone, a polite way of covering up a certain fantasy am I right; don’t speak it. Le Marquis de Sade didn’t give a fuck, and some call him “the freest spirit who ever existed,” but where did he spend most of his time… one more reason bondage is fascinating, and my cell is one of dotted i’s and crossed t’s just saying.

Sometimes I believe the time is never, to publish my books, to ask questions, to be with someone, as the song goes What’s My Age Again, don’t make me repeat it, so much time and yet to dream of such maddening Power so need I truly Will A Bit Longer.

I Will Have No Fear